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Hello, Hi, Hey: I'm $$$ richh


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Oh yeah, I listened to Colony 9 (night) for the first time a few days ago. Really ambient. Love it

That's one of the things I really like about the game's soundtrack. The fact that the songs changes between day and night changes the whole atmosphere of the track while keeping the same melody (except for one location, but that's excusable since it doesn't look at all like the same place when night falls)

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I do believe if you don’t like things you leave for someplace you’ve never gone before

I’m starting to wonder if my liking for brasilia was always stockholm syndrom. Everywhere else I go to, people feel more genuine and alive than in Brasilia. I feel like every great place i’ve been to, be it NYC, Vegas, Miami, Lisbon, Paris, Munich, Heidelberg, Santiago, Sao Paulo... people feel interesting, places feel great. In Brasilia, everything and everyone feels fake, as if I was in the truman show. As if they were NPCs designed to be the same other than physical appearence. Spending a single day in sao paulo, I see more interesting and alive places than i do in an entire year in Brasilia, and that’s also how I feel while traveling abroad. I look at people having fun on alive streets and wish I could be their friend. They look interesting. In Brasilia, I feel everyone who wasn’t one of my friends at some point is bland and boring. They have nothing to offer me. Obviously that’s ridiculous, but I do feel Brasilia lacks human warmth. It’s has the disadvantages of both a small and a big city. Everywhere you look, you see strangers acting exactly as you expected them to, same subjects, same looks, so empty. It’s weird, I feel as if literally everywhere in the world (that isn’t a massive shithole of course) was a better place.

that’s of course just me blaming my failures on the place where I live. I do wish Brasilia had more of the perks of a big city, though, such as an awesome and lively downtown with unique people rather than our failed one that only has crackheads and prostitutes after 10pm

also there are so many **** **** here, and a *** ** **** *** ***. It makes me feel inadequate, and sort of inferior, but they’re a dream compared to what we seem to have in Brasilia.

editing this shit again because i’m now feeling absolutely terrible even if i felt nice through the day. Like, I feel completely worthless, as if no one will ever like me, or be attracted to me. I feel like a lesser human being. Unworth of affection and love. I feel like an absolute piece of trash and also an horrible person with terrible thoughts. Btw i think i might have lied to my psychiatrist about u know those bad kind of thoughts. Not the thoughts i hate myself for but you know the thoughts I have for hating myself. The sort of thoughts i said to myself i’d never have because u know there’s absolutely nothing i’m more scared of than death but like... im so worthless it hurts. I used to think that people who went through those thoughts did what they wanted, but since I started having them I know it’s not true. I should have told my psychiatrist the truth but I always tell myself those are not really s.... thought because you know, I’d never go through them, but what if one day I lose control and have a panic attack like my sister often does? Could i proceed with those thoughts? My parents don’t deserve to go through that. They already know what’s like to lose a child, and I assume losing one that you’ve raised and lived with for over 20 years is way worse than losing a newborn. It’s just that I just imagine how it’s like to not exist to not have to worry about stuff, etc but idk those thoughts and what’s really causing them hurt. 

I’m extremely scared of rejeiction. what if i take the risks and not get what i want? Am I worth anything? Am I? Am I? Am I? I absolutely need therapy. I do. I really need therapy. I’m a thousand kilometers away from home but all i wish is that I was in my therapy session getting stuff out of my chest. Please hear me out. Please help me pleasehelpmepleasehelpmepleasehelpme. I want to feel worth something. I want to be happy. I want to feel attractive. Why cant i feel like im worth something? Why? Why? Why cant i do anything right? Why am i such a terrible piece of TRASH? Why am i such an awful human being? WHY CAN I BE FUCKING HAPPY? ALL I FUCKING WANT IS TO BE HAPPY? WHY CANT I GET HAPPINESS? WHY AM I SO FUCKING USELESS? WHY DO I FEEL THIS EMPTYNESS INSIDE MYSELF? WHY DO THE ANTIDEPRESSANTS NOT WORK? WHY CANT I FUCKING SLEEP? 

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