Not Changed by VASM :( Posted September 25, 2008 Author Share Posted September 25, 2008 Chapter 20 (The Halberd-Bridge) Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWgTR3KnSjk Hika: What, they breached the inner-sanctum? Soldier: They seem to know every part of this ship. Hika: I'll handle them myself. Meta: No need. Lucario: The Aura will lead us to victory. Hika: LAWLS, you stand no chance against me... Meta: You may be stronger then us, but your forgetting something... Hika: Yes? Meta: THIS IS MY SHIP!!! Hika: YAAAHHHH *Two Earth spike shoot out of the floor almost skewring Meta-Knight* Meta: SHA! *Side B's Hika* Hika: *Pulls out Battleaxe* Lucario: WATCH THE POWER OF AURA *Charges Aura Sphere* Hika: SHADUP *Slame Lucario with his Battleaxe* Lucario: I'm in pain... Meta: DIYAAAAA *Mach Tornados at Hika* Hika: LUNA!!!!! *A wave of Dark magic launches at Meta* Meta: NO...damn resistance negating... Hika: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VK4WQVbRIaY *A rocket slams into the back of Hika's skull* Hika: Tits... Snake: You two alright? Lucario: No...My pride is broken... Snake: Meta? Meta: Nothing...I...just finally have her back... Lucario: Where are the prisoners? Snake: Oh their on their way... To be Continued... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess Kilvas Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 Epicly Awesome! Yay! I transformed! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not Changed by VASM :( Posted September 25, 2008 Author Share Posted September 25, 2008 Epicly Awesome! Yay! I transformed! :D And next chapter you fight teh Gheb. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess Kilvas Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 And next chapter you fight teh Gheb. Yay!! I get to fight!! *hugs* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not Changed by VASM :( Posted September 25, 2008 Author Share Posted September 25, 2008 (edited) Chapter 21 (The Desert) Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qn4O8K8ETmg Mario: You were saying fatman? Gheb: FUCK YOU!!! *Runs at Raven-Princess* Princess: CAAAAAH *Cuts at Gheb with Talons* Gheb: FUCK!!!!! Princess: CAAAAAAAHHH *Uses Tear* Music: Gheb: FUCK!!!! *Pulls out Killer Axe* Princess: CAAAAHHH Gheb: DIE *Critical Hits* Princess: AHHHH *Transforms back* Branded: SHIT!!! Matt: How the fuck did Lardass beat a laguz? Branded: Princess isn't full Laguz... Chris: DAMNIT!!! Gheb: Well, well, well, the Sub-Human shows her true form... Mario: Gheb: She's not bad looking, Primid take her back to Subspace for "Interrogation" Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uozey7q7fjI ???: OVER MY DEAD BODY YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! Gheb: Who the hell are you? ???: I'm your worst nightmare... Branded: MS!!! Gatrie: Pirate dude? Princess: MASU!!! Gheb: Damnit...So much for interrogation...I guess I'll just fucking kill her. Masu: REXFLAME!!! *The Fire bounces off of Ghebs fat* Masu: DAMN!!! Branded: Gheb...I'll make you a deal... Gheb: What deal is that... Branded: I'll duel you, If I win you die. Gheb: Yeah... Branded: And if you win, You can interrogate Princess AND Masu... Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCyJhpt_U0Q Gheb: :D Link: Masu: WHAT THE FUCK!!?!?!?!?!? Princess: Yeah, what Masu said... Chris: I have faith in Branded... Mario: That much faith? Gatrie: I'm uncomfortable now... Matt: I need to cut out my mind's eye. Pit: Am I the only one who thiks this is the worst idea ever? Yoshi: *Vomiting noises* Branded: The deal stands Gheb. Gheb: Fine just tell your dragon to stop barfing on my shoe. Yoshi: EEEHHHHH!!! *Runs away* Branded: *Throws Gheb a sword* Gheb: I have my weapon... *Pulls out Killer Axe* Branded: No Killer weapons, Swords only. Gheb: Final Destination, let's just do this damn thing. Music: Branded: YAAAA *Slams Gheb with his Sword* Gheb: BOOYA *Rolls out of the way and cuts Branded* Branded: Damn fast for a fat man... Gheb: My Schmexyness gives me power. Branded: Well good, my cheating give me power. *Pulls a Killing Edge out of his sleeve* Gheb: Fool...*Pulls out two Silver Swords* Branded: LET'S DO THIS!!! *Runs at Gheb* Gheb: SHIATT *Blocks with his Silver Swords* *Branded's Killing Edge breaks* Branded: Fuck it only had three uses left... Gheb: HAAAAA *Throws his Sword at Branded* Branded: DAMN!!! *Jumps over the sword and drop kick Gheb* Gheb: Pain...*Pulls out his Killer Axe* Branded: HEY GHEB *Pulls out a Buster Sword* Gheb: KAMEHAMEHA!!!! *Swings at Branded* Branded: OH SHI- *Cuts of Ghebs arm* Gheb: AAAAHHHHH... Branded: DIE YOU FUCKER!!! *Throws the Buster Sword in the Air* Gheb: Huh? Branded: Hmph... *Jumps into the air and grabs the sword* Gheb: OH SHIT WHAT THE FU- Branded: ERUPTION!!!!! *A wave of Fire surrounds Gheb* Gheb: ...fuck... Branded: IT'S OVER *Slice Gheb clean in half* Princess: *Tacklehugs Branded* Branded: ^_^ Masu: Mother... Pit: Fucker... To be Continued... Edited September 25, 2008 by Toa Lord Sothe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 I do not wish to be offensive however; is there a reason why this is written as a script and not in prose? Sorry, but script formats are a very bad way to write a story. You see, scripts are not written to be read by the audience, but for the actors in a play/film/etc, the audience get most out of it by seeing it being performed, just reading the script is boring and lack vital descriptions (Which I see little to none of in this story) which the audience would get by seeing it on stage. Just wondering if there is a reason for this? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not Changed by VASM :( Posted September 25, 2008 Author Share Posted September 25, 2008 (edited) I do not wish to be offensive however; is there a reason why this is written as a script and not in prose? Sorry, but script formats are a very bad way to write a story. You see, scripts are not written to be read by the audience, but for the actors in a play/film/etc, the audience get most out of it by seeing it being performed, just reading the script is boring and lack vital descriptions (Which I see little to none of in this story) which the audience would get by seeing it on stage.Just wondering if there is a reason for this? Masu and Lyle write script. It's good enough for them it's good enough for me. Also who are you? Edited September 25, 2008 by Toa Lord Sothe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 Masu and Lyle write script. I know this is a corny thing to say, but Masu and Lyle jumped of a cliff would you follow? It's good enough for them it's good enough for me. So you have no intention of improving? I guess we just have different standards. Also who are you? Is that meant to be some form of attack on my right to criticise you? I do believe it is obvious to see who I am from my username and such other information in my profile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not Changed by VASM :( Posted September 25, 2008 Author Share Posted September 25, 2008 I know this is a corny thing to say, but Masu and Lyle jumped of a cliff would you follow? Obviously no, but they are considered two of the better writers here and they write in script form. So you have no intention of improving? I guess we just have different standards. Just because something isn't in your taste doesn't mean it needs improvement. For example, I'm not a fan of Dexterboy124. but that doesn't mean he isn't a good Machinamator. Is that meant to be some form of attack on my right to criticise you? I do believe it is obvious to see who I am from my username and such other information in my profile. No, I just didn't know who you are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 (edited) Obviously no, but they are considered two of the better writers here and they write in script form. I'll have to see for myself. But unless these two people are playwrights I am skeptical. No intended offence. Edited September 25, 2008 by Shuuda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not Changed by VASM :( Posted September 25, 2008 Author Share Posted September 25, 2008 I'll have to see for myself. But unless these two people are playwrights I am skeptical. No intended offence. You do that then. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TLSothe Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 Ehh...it is written in script because 99.99% of writers here do it that way Shuuda. Nice chapters. The part with Branded fit somehow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 (edited) 99.99% is a huge exaggeration. I've seen quite a few stories written in prose narrative on the first page, all of which look a lot more appealing to my eyes than a script. A few examples not including my own work of course. http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?...t=0&start=0 http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?...t=0&start=0 http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=4614 Edited September 25, 2008 by Shuuda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not Changed by VASM :( Posted September 25, 2008 Author Share Posted September 25, 2008 True wagering Masu's ass (Literally) is SO somehting Branded Blade would do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not Changed by VASM :( Posted September 25, 2008 Author Share Posted September 25, 2008 99.99% is a huge exaggeration. I've seen quite a few stories written in continuous prose on the first page, all of which look a lot more appealing to my eyes than a script. A few examples not including my own work of course.http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?...t=0&start=0 http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?...t=0&start=0 http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=4614 Thank you very much, now please go make a debate topic or somehting if you wish to continue this and...move it out of my (Already almost finished) story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TLSothe Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 99.99% is a huge exaggeration. I've seen quite a few stories written in continuous prose on the first page, all of which look a lot more appealing to my eyes than a script. A few examples not including my own work of course.http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?...t=0&start=0 http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?...t=0&start=0 http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=4614 Freohr, Serene and someone else who's name escapes me write out of script. Any other author(Excluding you and soon I) Use Script, I am not saying I like it though.True wagering Masu's ass (Literally) is SO somehting Branded Blade would do. Yah, I can see that. But I meant the heroicish part, I could just see Branded doing that, risking something huge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not Changed by VASM :( Posted September 25, 2008 Author Share Posted September 25, 2008 Question, is anyone besides Shuuda and Tino annoyed by script form? And I don't mean like "Meh it's not the best" I mean like REALLY fucking annoyed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TLSothe Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 Not REALLY FUCKING ANNOYED, but I do not like Script Form at all. I just put up with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not Changed by VASM :( Posted September 25, 2008 Author Share Posted September 25, 2008 Not REALLY FUCKING ANNOYED, but I do not like Script Form at all. I just put up with it. *Resists the urge to point out the fact that you write in script form* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
canas is back Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 it's wierd for an actual story but my mother is a playwright so it's not hard to read for me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
noremaC Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 good job :D .....your killing of the best people (jk) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 (edited) The problem with the Script format is the strong lack of verbs and descriptions which are needed to create a better image in the readers mind. I'll give you an example from your own work. (6 Years later)(Mushroom Kingdom) Firstly, though you state the setting, it does not set any atmosphere, and just lacks a lot of needed details like the conditions, time of day etc. Mario: LUIGI, LET'S-A GO, WE DON'T-A HAVE ALL DAY!Luigi: Sorry, bro. Secondly, because of the lack of verbs, it is hard to tell what the character's tones are. How are they saying these lines? Masu: Hurry Up I don't want to be late for the fight!!!Branded: Keep it in your pants man were almost there. Masu: We came along way to see this fight I don't want to miss it! There is no good indication of how angry, worried or irritated Masu is when he says his lines. Edited September 25, 2008 by Shuuda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TLSothe Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 *Resists the urge to point out the fact that you write in script form* Meh, I got lazy with that one story, the rest of my work is all non-script. As soon as you're done with this I'll show you the best of my work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not Changed by VASM :( Posted September 25, 2008 Author Share Posted September 25, 2008 The problem with the Script format is the strong lack of verbs and descriptions which are needed to create a better image in the readers mind. I'll give you an example from your own work.Firstly, though you state the setting, it does not set any atmosphere, and just lacks a lot of needed details like the conditions, time of day etc. Secondly, because of the lack of verbs, it is hard to tell what the character's tones are. How are they saying these lines? There is no good indication of how angry, worried or irritated Masu is when he says his lines. Thank you very much, now please go make a debate topic or somehting if you wish to continue this and...move it out of my (Already almost finished) story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TLSothe Posted September 25, 2008 Share Posted September 25, 2008 Oh my, you guys are funny sometimes, you put me in awkward positions <_<. Stop being hostile TLS. Shuuda didn't do anything wrong, he is just stating an opinion, and trying to help you. Good authors accept and appreciate criticism. Shuuda hasn't flamed you, or trolled you, nor has he broken any rule, I advise you just look at the criticism given and learn from it. Maybe your next work will be better than this(Hard to do) If you do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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