Dating ages

[eclipse]

. . .dude, are you looking for advice or validation? Your answers read like the latter.

[Christianguy7]

I was looking. For opinions on the age gap.

[eclipse]

And now I'm not busy.

Anyway, you got the advice, even if it is advice you may not agree with. I'm really not happy with how you're justifying yourself in this topic - "mature for her age" is a big red flag IMO, and being Christian doesn't automatically mean being chaste. I can't stop you from following whatever course of action you take. The best I can do is tell you that it's a bad idea, and to wait a couple of years.

[ErrantDShepherd]

Gonna add my two cents. If you are this unsure of the idea, it's likely a bad idea at the moment. Not just for reasons that have been outlined regarding statutpry laws, but just for the sake of both of your emotional well beings, I would advise you very strongly to hold off.

If you really are interested in this girl seriously relationally, then you need to look out for both of your best interests.

It is not in the best interests of a teenager to be dating an adult, due to different life stages, maturity levels, and just personal and outside expectations. Let them figure them self out in this stage of their life, without you... if it's meant to be some meaningful relationship, you can wait.

It is also not in your own best interest to be dating a teenager when you are newly an adult. You are no longer a teenager, but needing to figure out this adult thing... you cannot do that if you are spending your time with people younger than you... you need to start figuring out this life stage, bud. This would not help.

It is a bad idea, Christianguy. If it's meant to be, maybe it can work out when she too is an adult... but this has bad idea written all over it. As you likely know by now.

[NekoKnight]

I guess I'll be the dissenting opinion here. I've dated with a similar age gap, and it has its own perils. If you do decide to pursue the relationship, and I wouldn't blame you if you did, be aware of the differences in maturity. A young girl may say she wants something just to get your approval and then regret it later. You're the adult here, know when to practice restraint and consider how your actions will affect her.

Read up on your state's laws on consent. In many states 16 years old is old enough to be in an adult relationship.

Edited September 5, 2016 by NekoKnight

[Junkhead]

yay, i fucking love being in love with a 15-year old girl and being condemmed as a "pedo" by society

[Rezzy]

yay, i fucking love being in love with a 15-year old girl and being condemmed as a "pedo" by society

That's not really what we're saying here. I think from a legal standpoint, the statutory rape laws are overly harsh, and having sex at that age shouldn't land people in prison. However, that being said, I still don't think it's a good idea to have large age gaps at that age, and it usually leads to heartache due to being in completely different worlds in terms of maturity. Like I said, when I was 20, I dated a 17 year old, and even that was pushing it.

[Time the Crestfallen]

I can't really say anything that no one else has, but I really think you should leave it for a year or two. If your sure, than go ahead but having such an age gap is gonna cause problems.

[NekoKnight]

yay, i fucking love being in love with a 15-year old girl and being condemmed as a "pedo" by society

The correct word is Ephebophilia. The more you know~

[Junkhead]

I was actually rather hypothetical, to be honest. Making sure where you guys would stand on the matter. :3 I'm rather neutral to this whole thing. But I don't think the difference between a 17-year old to a 20 is "pushing it". Seems about fine, though I could sort of see what you mean if it's a 17-year old guy (you know, apparent gender/age-difference).

[Rezzy]

The correct word is Ephebophilia. The more you know~

Yeah, I knew, but I kinda avoided using the word, because honestly, most people have Ephebophilia to a certain extent. Humans, especially men are hard programmed to be attracted to young, freshly post-pubescent women. That is the age where we're evolutionarily ready to bear children, without the physical risks of having babies at the super-young age. Sadly, our bodies are ready much sooner than our brains are, however.

Woman are also attracted to young men, but woman also value a mate that can "take care of us", which can often lead us to go for the slightly older, more powerful man. That's part of the reason that the man is usually the older one. Of course these are generalizations, but have basis from an evolutionary standpoint, and were the pairings that most often led to successful pregnancies and therefor more children to pass the same traits to the next generation.

[Christianguy7]

What has this turned into. I was just asking people's opinion about dating ages, because I was interested in a girl, and well, I have no idea where this is gone.

[Christianguy7]

Guys. I was just interested in this girl. She is a good friend of mine, and she likes a lot of the same stuff so I was just sorta interested. TBH I don't actually see it going anywhere, and I was looking for people's thoughts, on this whole thing. TBH the only reason I had even thought about pursuing this is because of what happened with the girl I do actually like, and have for the last 4 years. She just tunred 18 yesterday. She dated a really jerky guy that treated her like absolute crap, and even went to prom with Him, and when they were finally done, she missed 2-3 days of school, and stayed at home citing "True,true heartbreak." (And in reply yo the whole "Christian doesn't always mean Chaste" thing, yes I do understand that, however the Bible does command Christians to refrain from sexual Immorality. So if the person is actually following the Bible then they should be till marriage. However is their slip ups? Yes, yes there, and Christ offers forgivness in our mess-ups, and shows mercy. Even if we do it in complete abadon of the what Scripture says.)

[NekoKnight]

Yeah, I knew, but I kinda avoided using the word, because honestly, most people have Ephebophilia to a certain extent. Humans, especially men are hard programmed to be attracted to young, freshly post-pubescent women. That is the age where we're evolutionarily ready to bear children, without the physical risks of having babies at the super-young age. Sadly, our bodies are ready much sooner than our brains are, however.

What bothers me about society isn't simply an incorrect use of words, but that by using "pedophilia" as a blanket term for anyone under the age of 18, they are equating interest in sexually mature teens to pre-pubescent children, when these are completely different. It doesn't take a genius to tell you a 17 year old and a 9 year old are at different places mentally and physically, but most people won't spare it a thought and get out their pitchforks and torches if the topic is broached.

I think the question of the morality of teen x young adult relationships can bring up other questions. Should two consenting teens having sex be criminalized because neither is 'mature enough' to have a sexual relationship? Are exploitative relationships the exclusive realm of adult x teen, and if not, why do we assume they must be exploitative? Is it exclusive to adult x teen relationships where someone can feel regret after their choices? It's a morally grey topic and there is not generalized statement we can make about whether something evil is going on.

For OP's case, I advocate caution, restraint and respect. If he cares about this girl enough to want to date her, he should be aware of how society will look at it (the majority of states have the age of consent at 16 and up, but that doesn't mean people won't try to crucify you if they don't personally approve of it) and be responsible. To me, it's not a question of if the younger one in the relationship is mature enough, it's if the elder is mature enough to respect the possible vulnerability of his partner and not push her to do things she doesn't want to do.

What has this turned into. I was just asking people's opinion about dating ages, because I was interested in a girl, and well, I have no idea where this is gone.

Unfortunately, the way society views this topic is very relevant to your inquiry.

[eclipse]

Guys. I was just interested in this girl. She is a good friend of mine, and she likes a lot of the same stuff so I was just sorta interested. TBH I don't actually see it going anywhere, and I was looking for people's thoughts, on this whole thing. TBH the only reason I had even thought about pursuing this is because of what happened with the girl I do actually like, and have for the last 4 years. She just tunred 18 yesterday. She dated a really jerky guy that treated her like absolute crap, and even went to prom with Him, and when they were finally done, she missed 2-3 days of school, and stayed at home citing "True,true heartbreak." (And in reply yo the whole "Christian doesn't always mean Chaste" thing, yes I do understand that, however the Bible does command Christians to refrain from sexual Immorality. So if the person is actually following the Bible then they should be till marriage. However is their slip ups? Yes, yes there, and Christ offers forgivness in our mess-ups, and shows mercy. Even if we do it in complete abadon of the what Scripture says.)

I'm more concerned about the legal implications of this than anything else. This is one of those times where using religion as a justification for your actions (or in this case, lack thereof) falls flat. On the off chance that things go horribly wrong, you'll have to deal with the courts, and they're not going to buy the "well we're Christian so we didn't do anything, honest" argument. And THIS is coming from a Christian.

[Christianguy7]

I wasn't going to use that as an excuse, I was just replying to a comment, that some poeple might think it's okay for Christians to be sexually immoral. As I said The only reason i was interested in her, is because the Girl that I do actually care a lot about went after that guy who treated her like trash, and completley let him ruin her emotional state, and even question as to why i was angry with Him. A friend of mine actually mentioned maybe me trying to find someone else to care about, and the younge rgirl is one of my best friends, and has been for a while, and it's sorta bled off from there. TBH I was just looking for opinions on the original sunbject matter.

[eclipse]

Your friend's advice is terrible. About the only thing I'd take out of it is "don't try to steal Girl in Relationship", but that shouldn't be an issue if you're Christian, right?

Best you can do is tell Girl in Relationship that you don't mind talking, but it's up to her to deal with her boyfriend, and then move on (but FFS that doesn't mean go find a potential girlfriend - just live your life). I wouldn't recommend being her backup plan if she decides to break up with Jerk Boyfriend, because that's not fair to you.

[Rezzy]

Starting a relationship with one girl, just to forget about another girl is bad advice. It's not fair to the girl or to you. If you want to enter into a relationship, it should be for the right reasons.

I've had plenty of friends in bad relationships, and sadly, there's not much you can do, except be supportive and hope it ends. Any attempt to get someone out of a relationship on third party's end will usually just makes things worse. The person in the bad relationship has to decide for themselves to end it.

[solrocknroll]

Don't try to steal someone away honestly. I've gotten really jealous and tried doing something like that and it never works.

Often what's considered "dating" at that age is arbitrary, although I'd break up with a guy immediately, if he asked if he could date someone else at the same time. I don't know how serious the two day datespan was, but I had several "relationships" that only lasted a day or two in my teens.

If anything, the mercurial nature of teen romance is a good reason to wait for her to mature a little bit.

I'm actually a big fan of teenage romance as a whole. I know that waiting to find someone when you're more mature is important, but I'm also a lover of the beautiful fleeting nature of it.

See: The Fault in Our Stars, Glee

[Time the Crestfallen]

I wasn't going to use that as an excuse, I was just replying to a comment, that some people might think it's okay for Christians to be sexually immoral. As I said The only reason i was interested in her, is because the Girl that I do actually care a lot about went after that guy who treated her like trash, and completely let him ruin her emotional state, and even question as to why i was angry with Him. A friend of mine actually mentioned maybe me trying to find someone else to care about, and the younger girl is one of my best friends, and has been for a while, and it's sorta bled off from there. TBH I was just looking for opinions on the original subject matter.

Sorry, but that's terrible advice. Getting into a relationship to get over someone else not only isn't going to help you that much, but it's also not fair to the person you're entering a relationship with. Especially considering the maturity gap between the two of you.

Edited September 6, 2016 by Phillius

[Rezzy]

Don't try to steal someone away honestly. I've gotten really jealous and tried doing something like that and it never works.

I'm actually a big fan of teenage romance as a whole. I know that waiting to find someone when you're more mature is important, but I'm also a lover of the beautiful fleeting nature of it.

See: The Fault in Our Stars, Glee

Between two teens, yes, it's good to begin dating and gain experience in the romantic world, but as stated before, it's not good idea to share that experience with someone so much older, who has moved on from that stage.

[Tryhard]

The correct word is Ephebophilia. The more you know~

to be fair i kinda think that it wouldn't matter, especially for kids in high school. i remember there was a guy dating a girl three or four years younger than him, and people weren't exactly kind to him. but it's high school, what do you expect.

and I pretty much agree with Phillius, that does not seem like a good idea. If you're convinced it's something more than that, fair, but you didn't exactly phrase it in the best light.

[Original Alear]

TC, I can't help but be a bit suspicious. If you're just "looking for opinions on the original subject matter" the whole time, then why did give all this info about a particular girl you've been thinking about dating?

What bothers me about society isn't simply an incorrect use of words, but that by using "pedophilia" as a blanket term for anyone under the age of 18, they are equating interest in sexually mature teens to pre-pubescent children, when these are completely different. It doesn't take a genius to tell you a 17 year old and a 9 year old are at different places mentally and physically, but most people won't spare it a thought and get out their pitchforks and torches if the topic is broached.

I mean, I think if you actually talk with someone who's against both pedophilia and ephebophilia and calls them both pedophilia, they'll be completely aware of the fact that an adult having sex with a 15 year old is not as bad as having a sex with a 10 year old, even if they still strongly object to the former. Typically, even if you talk to someone who'll "pull out their pitchfork" for a 15 year old, you can bet they'll be sharpening the headsman's axe for the person who abuses a child. I really don't see people usually thinking the way you characterize them as doing so. Your argument/assumption seems to be that anyone who uses the term "pedophile" must be unaware of the difference between sex with someone a couple years under the age of consent and someone 10 years under the age of consent. Just because someone calls a cold a "disease" doesn't mean they think it's as bad as AIDs, and just because someone calls a traffic fine a "penalty" or punishment doesn't mean they think it's as bad as life in prison, which is also a penalty. I'm not actually even trying to argue how big the gap is between ephebophilia and pedophilia - I'm just saying that, contrary to what you're saying, people in general are aware of the difference even if they wouldn't use the proper term.

Simply because someone has gone through puberty doesn't mean they've fully matured. I think that our decision to mark a specific age as the "don't have sex before this" is a bit arbitrary to be specified on that particular year, sure. But, also, a basic standard for a halfway decent legal code is to have enforceable and understandable laws. At least if we say "over the age of 18 is OK," you typically don't have to psychological research on your partner to decide if they're capable of consent. There's actually an advantage to just drawing a simple and easy to understand line somewhere.

[Parrhesia]

You're looking for validation and you're not going to find it because it's a bad idea. Don't date a 15-year old.

[Rezzy]

TC, I can't help but be a bit suspicious. If you're just "looking for opinions on the original subject matter" the whole time, then why did give all this info about a particular girl you've been thinking about dating?

I mean, I think if you actually talk with someone who's against both pedophilia and ephebophilia and calls them both pedophilia, they'll be completely aware of the fact that an adult having sex with a 15 year old is not as bad as having a sex with a 10 year old, even if they still strongly object to the former. Typically, even if you talk to someone who'll "pull out their pitchfork" for a 15 year old, you can bet they'll be sharpening the headsman's axe for the person who abuses a child. I really don't see people usually thinking the way you characterize them as doing so. Your argument/assumption seems to be that anyone who uses the term "pedophile" must be unaware of the difference between sex with someone a couple years under the age of consent and someone 10 years under the age of consent. Just because someone calls a cold a "disease" doesn't mean they think it's as bad as AIDs, and just because someone calls a traffic fine a "penalty" or punishment doesn't mean they think it's as bad as life in prison, which is also a penalty. I'm not actually even trying to argue how big the gap is between ephebophilia and pedophilia - I'm just saying that, contrary to what you're saying, people in general are aware of the difference even if they wouldn't use the proper term.

Simply because someone has gone through puberty doesn't mean they've fully matured. I think that our decision to mark a specific age as the "don't have sex before this" is a bit arbitrary to be specified on that particular year, sure. But, also, a basic standard for a halfway decent legal code is to have enforceable and understandable laws. At least if we say "over the age of 18 is OK," you typically don't have to psychological research on your partner to decide if they're capable of consent. There's actually an advantage to just drawing a simple and easy to understand line somewhere.

In my opinion 18 is too high of an arbitrary cutoff age. As you said everyone's different maturity wise, but if I had to pick an age, I'd make it 16. I don't think most kids are ready at 16, or even 18 in my opinion, to be honest, but as you said, the law has to draw the line somewhere.

I don't think 16 year olds should go should go around having sex with 30 year olds, but I think sex at that age should be something that's not a good idea socially, most of the time, but not prosecutable under law, like adultery.

My problem is you get girls lying about their age all the time, and then the guy gets put on the sex offender registry, which ruins their life. If they apply for a job, they have to disclose that, and an employer isn't going to care if it was a 17 year old or a 7 year old; he's on the sex offender registry, so it's game over. That's why I'm against overly strict laws in that area. The registry does a poor job of differentiating between true predators and people who didn't bother checking the girl's ID before sleeping with her.