[RCYOA] You are to become a man

[Jotari]

10 hours ago, Shrow said:

C) The Power Ranger suits

It's time to armour yourself. You put on what is obviously a high tech battle suit that looks in no way silly at all. It also comes with a sword, which we all know is the most practical weapon for both modern and futuristic warfare. Conveniently it seems the helmet of the suit has a universal translator function (wait why weren't all the soldiers using these things?). You are now able to communicate with the Japanese soldiers.

"We are ah sending our entire armada on this grand quest of yours, given to you by tha most divine Nugget. Why don't you ah call your Nimbus cloud back to you."

"Call my cloud?" you say. "Don't you know you destroyed it?"

"Ah Nimbus Cloud cannot be destroyed so easily. Simply call it and it will come."

"Alright, I'll give it a try." You cup your hands to your mouth and shout "FLYING NIMBUS!" Sure enough your clout of money comes racing towards you from the sky. You hop back on. "I will go ahead. My greatest enemies, Vladimir Putin and Reptor of House Friege are no doubt already at Hawaii."

"Yes, you must protecta the pizza. The Japanese armada willa assist you as soon as we can."

With that you take to the sky and starting heading towards Hawaii. Only to quickly realize you stand no chance of finding it in the entirety of the pacific ocean. So you return to the military base and request a smart phone. Now aided with the power of Google maps you begin crossing the pacific on your quest to stop Putin!

(and yes, the Bulgarian Shock Collar goes over the Power Ranger's suit, also yes, we still have the Putin Judo DVD (unwatched))

As you grow near to the skies of Hawaii, you are confronted by a helicopter.

"Putin! Is that you!?" you scream.

Surprisingly despite being ridiculously high up and inside a helicopter, your foe responds. "No, t'is I, Reptor. Here to end you at last."

"What did you do with the Goddess Nugget?"

"She tasted the power of Mjolnir. But that magic is too good for you. Long range missiles and machine guns will suffice to take you down!"

With that, Reptor lets out a flurry of machine gun bullets from his helicopter. In response you

A) Try to get below the helicopter

B) Deflect the bullets with your sword, ninja style

C) Try a Kamehameha

D) Get riddled with bullets because there's no feasible way you could react in time.

Edited December 18, 2020 by Jotari

[AnonymousSpeed]

34 minutes ago, Jotari said:

(and yes, the Bulgarian Shock Collar goes over the Power Ranger's suit, also yes, we still have the Putin Judo DVD (unwatched))

Oh yeah, I forgot the Bulgarians were using S&M gear to force us to assassinate Putin.

35 minutes ago, Jotari said:

B) Deflect the bullets with your sword, ninja style

You swing your sword in an elaborate Figure Eight pattern, slicing the bullets out of the sky even though like 10 of them are fired in the time it takes you to complete one cycle. You fly your money cloud towards the helicopter, sword reared back. "Reptor, you scumbag! Not only have you betrayed me and brought dishonor to the dynasty of Joj, but you have also slain Nugget! I will never forgive you! Your evil ends here! Never again will the good and innocent people of the world suffer under the tyranny of Freige!"

You obviously are not flying very fast, since you manage to say all that and still haven't even closed half the distance. Reptor leans out the side of the helicopter and attacks you with Mjolnir.

A) Try and dodge

B) Use Kamehameha, locking the two of you in a battle to see who can generate the more powerful energy beam

C) Get hit and get vaporized

D) Absorb the power of Mjolnir into your shock collar or something, I mean, it's a "shock" collar so it has to be useful here, right?

[null]

A) Try and dodge.

Somehow your high-tech battle suit automatically takes control and makes it so you precisely dodge Mjolnir's energy.

Continuing the fight, the suit takes control and in a sudden flourish of your weapon, you impale Reptor, quickly ending the battle.

"Such a fitting end for such traitorous scum," you mutter under your breath.

Unsure of what to do next now that Reptor has been disposed of, you look to the skies, only to see still more helicopters flying at you with their weapons raised.

"Time to get to work."

You take to the air, since your suit also possesses magic jet boots that run on coffee grounds (gotta stay environmentally friendly, y'know?).

Flying from aircraft to aircraft, you make short work of those on board, leaving a mechanical genocide in your wake.

Once you've finished, you hear a very familiar voice speak to you from behind.

"Ah, just as expected, you have fallen into my trap, comrade."

You spin around, weapon brandished, to attack the source of the voice, but are gripped by the strength of the suit.

"Egads!" you say.

Realizing that the suit is now under the control of another, you panic.

Indeed, the voice you recognized belongs to none other than Putin himself!

Faced with what seems to be an unwinnable situation, you are overcome with dread.

What do you do?

A) Accept your fate.

B) Panic and scream bloody murder.

C) Spit into the suit's mask, hoping to short circuit it with the moisture of your saliva.

[Jotari]

9 minutes ago, twilitfalchion said:

 

You take to the air, since your suit also possesses magic jet boots that run on coffee grounds (gotta stay environmentally friendly, y'know?).

 

We don't need jet boots to fly. We already have a money numbus cloud (and the conflict with Reptor took place entirely in the air so there's no need to actually take to the air)

[Sooks]

20 minutes ago, twilitfalchion said:

B) Panic and scream bloody murder.

“BLOODY MURDER!!!!” you scream, thinking this is the end. Then, a third voice rings out inside the suit.

”B-bloody murder!? How vulgar of you! That is not child nor brand friendly! Get out of my suit!!” the third voice says. “I didn’t found this series just for it to get cancelled now!” You realize that this must be the Haim Saban, creator of Power Rangers, who doesn’t want you stinking up his brand by saying such things in his suit. Suddenly, you’re ejected from the suit, slightly further back on to your pile of flying money. Yet you smile.

”Ha! Take that Putin! You can’t win!!” You say gleefully as you kick the suit down towards the sea, never to be se(a)en again. However, due to the nature of the shock collar being outside the suit, it is now on it and plummeting toward the ocean as well! The Bulgarians might not be happy about that, but Putin will fall anyway.

Checking Google Maps, you realize you’re closing in on Hawaii. Armed with nothing but your “high tech” battle sword, one of the Goddess Nugget’s bills, and Putin’s Judo DVD, you begin the descent toward Hawaii. As you fly lower and begin to spot one of its islands, which may or may not be the right one, you notice the coast lined with Russian soldiers armed to the teeth. Putin is already here. But hope is not lost, you know you can devise a plan. And that plan is

A) Soar down and say you surrender, knowing you can’t win, raising your arms and asking to be taken to Putin (probably a lie).

B) Sending the majority of your pile of bills flying forward while reminding on a smaller few to distract all the soldiers into trying to shoot it down, then quickly landing and running before you’re spotted.

C) Call your father on your smart phone and ask for reinforcements.

D) Pray to the Goddess Nugget for divine intervention.

E) Fly down onto one of the ships going towards Hawaii and try to be smuggled in. This one looks suspiciously like Merlinus’ unique speed boat that has a below deck.

F) Fly toward the soldiers saying you’re Putin successfully controlling (your name), because the mind control plan from the power ranger suit worked.

Edited December 18, 2020 by Sooks

[Shrow]

17 hours ago, Sooks said:

D) Pray to the Goddess Nugget for divine intervention.

Your suit is gone, you're half naked and floating on a cloud of money. You pray to the Goddess Nugget to aid you one last time.
"Goddess Nugget, take the wheel!" You say in a Russian tongue.

You close your eyes, everything goes into slow motion. You cannot see but you can feel, you cannot hear but you comprehend. You feel great power surging through you. You jump off the nimbus money cloud with not one shred of fear towards the beach where Putin and his men wait.
Arms splayed out dropping all of your possessions to wind. You fall to the ground fast and gracefully.

You are about to crash into the island with Putin and his guards surrendering you.
The speed at which you fall starts to accelerate, divine powers amass around you.
For brief moment you are a celestial, a creature not from this world, a mortal unbound!

A shock wave erupts upon your destination! Goddess Nugget's final chorus!

You regain all you senses. You wake up on soft sand on the edge of the island, around you stands Russian soldiers tall. You panic for second but realize quickly they are motionless and empty, as hard as a statue, the only thing that remains was their final expressions. The helicopter that Putin used to escape is wrecked and unusable.

From the corner of your eye you see Putin running away in a panic towards the main part of the island going into the trees with only few men by his side, he's probably making a hasty and desperate run for his goal. You no longer feel the Goddess's influence only 2 of your previous possessions are on the beach, The Ranger's Sword and the Putin DVD.
You grab what you have left and decide.

A) Chase after Putin

B) Romantically walk along the beach

C) Look for a DVD player to finally watch the DVD

D) Time for a Fishing mini-game!

Edited December 18, 2020 by Shrow

[Jotari]

12 hours ago, Shrow said:

A) Chase after Putin

You cannot relent now. You chase after Putin into a small rain forest. You lose sight of him for a second, but then catch up as you see he's tripped. "Ah! Some judo master!" you cry out. You approach, brandishing your sword to finish things off, when suddenly a knife flies by, embedding itself in a tree near your face. You turn to your right to see someone astride a horse (but no carriage). "Merlinus!" you cry out in shock.

Merlinus looks sheepish. "I'm sorry. I was sent here by the bulgarians to assassinate Putin." You notice he is wearing a shock collar much like the one you had before. "But when I made my attempt, Putin kidnapped me and had the shock collar reprogrammed. Now I serve him as his body guard. I have no choice. I don't want to fight you!"

"Egads" you cry. "Shall I be forced to fight my own friend acquaintance!? What is a man meant to do in such a situation!?"

A) Ignore Merlinus and go for the kill on Putin.

B) Attack Merlinus, he is your enemy now, whether he chose this path or not

C) Retreat and try to gather your bearings (and maybe watch that DVD)

[AnonymousSpeed]

18 hours ago, Jotari said:

B) Attack Merlinus, he is your enemy now, whether he chose this path or not

You perform a flawless drop kick and break his neck.

Then he respawned.

"Goodness!" cried Merlinus. "Did you not know that I am an immortal? Even with 20 base attack, I cannot be defeated."

Dang, hard to argue with that logic. You're in a real pickle now, how do you intend to escape?

A) Turn yourself into a pickle

B) Ask Merlinus why he doesn't betray Putin if he is immortal

C) Break his legs this time

D) Retreat and gather your bearings (and maybe watch that DVD)

[Sooks]

On 12/19/2020 at 10:03 PM, AnonymousSpeed said:

D) Retreat and gather your bearings (and maybe watch that DVD)

“It’s clear that only ONE FORCE is powerful enough to best Putin’s allies... I must master his own Judo power!”

And with that you dart off in a random direction to try and fine somewhere to watch that DVD, hoping to run into a town. And good news: you do! But how will you view the DVD here?

A) Go to the residential portion and start knocking on doors.

B) Tech stores let you play DVDs... right?

C) I’m sure the movie theater will have a plugged up DVD player!

Edited December 23, 2020 by Sooks

[Shrow]

On 12/22/2020 at 7:47 PM, Sooks said:

C) I’m sure the movie theater will have a plugged up DVD player!

What better place to watch it then on the big screen!
You invite Merlinus over to watch the movie at the theatres. You both get some Soda, Popcorn and make your way to the theatre room.
Turns out its the extended edition too and in 3D! What great fun, you and Merlinus have a grand old time. You both totally forgot about that whole killing each other bit.

Putin's fighting secrets are now revealed to you in 4k.
During the movie, Putin looks to the camera and speaks some gibberish words to the viewer. You couldn't understand what he said but with a wink, Merlinus's Shock collar releases. The secret shock collar code was in Putin's DVD all along! Merlinus is a free man once again!

The movie's over, the lights flicker on. You see a lot of pissed off employees, "Were they there the whole time?" you think to yourself. They're probably pissed because we snuck into the theatres, stole popcorn, drinks and hijacked a theatre. Why did we do that? Oh right no money....

The employees brandish their Trademarked Movie Weapons™️ approaching you slowly, oh boy.
Merlinus glances over to you.

A) Brandish your own weapon and go ham.

B) Go into the theatre screen like some kind of Super Mario 64 parody

C) Tell them they just got pranked and point out a camera in the corner of the room.

D) Ask for the manager

 

[Jotari]

On 1/4/2021 at 11:45 PM, Shrow said:

 

B) Go into the theatre screen like some kind of Super Mario 64 parody

 

 

You jump into the theatre screen like some kind of Super Mario 64 parody, to your surprise it works!? You find yourself on the end credits of the Putin Judo DVD, rising endlessly upwards.

"Damnit, I knew we shouldn't have used the magic film projector," one of the employees yell. It seems you can hear the people in the theater.

"Where is he?" You hear a voice. It's Putin!

"Inside the movie" the employees tell him.

"You, slave, go in there and get him" Putin orders.

"I'm no longer a slave, I'm a free man" you hear Merlinus say.

"You're a dead man" Putin says, followed by a deafening scream. "If something is worth doing, it's worth doing yourself."

Suddenly Putin appears on a name from the credits several rungs below you. It seems he'd changed into his Judo gear at some point. He points at you. "It ends now whoeveryouare. I've eaten your pizza, and it's Hawaiian power has made me invincible. You cannot defeat me as I am now!"

You...

A) Descend down on him with a spin kick.

B) Try to climb higher on the credits reel 

C) Try to escape back into the movie theater

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 25, 2021 by Jotari

[AnonymousSpeed]

On 1/23/2021 at 10:15 AM, Jotari said:

A) Descend down on him with a spin kick.

"Putin, you [d]astard! First you do...I forget, but then you kill Merlinus, and then you eat my pizza! You are going down!" You leap from some Russian guy's name and spin your leg like a helicopter in a ridiculous, shonen-style spinning drop kick!

You miss and fall into the abyss.

Frick.

A) Catch yourself on another Russian guy's name and begin the long climb back up to Putin

B) Lose a life

C) Break your leg and live

D) Encounter Steven Seagal

[Sooks]

12 hours ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

D) Encounter Steven Seagal

You plummet into the abyss below as Putin cackles and Merlinus screams “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” You keep falling and falling, and you’re not sure when it ends. The names are long gone and you’re seeing pineapples and judo demonstrations dancing around you when suddenly everything is a bright white and you’re on solid ground. You stagger, blinded by the sudden light, and struggle onto your feet. You look around and see yourself in a crowded pizza shop, the pizza shop that you ordered your Hawaiian pizza from that you forgot the name of, everyone you see is also completely white, but they’re also frozen. Everyone except for one. A man turns around from in line, a light smile spreading on his face like pizza dough slowly rising.

”It can’t be... Steven Seagal!?” you remark, bewildered, recognizing the movie star before you.

”Yes, that’s right...” he responds with in his deep voice. “But you might know me better as a different form.” He snaps his fingers and becomes white light for a second before a figure with long brown hair resting neatly on his shoulders and a clean cut beard of the same color is looking back at you, his sky blue eyes filled with love and compassion. You notice that he somehow seems to be every single race at once at he strolls across the room to you, now draped in white.

”J...Jesus Christ!?!?” you stammer, gaping at the heavenly figure before you.

”Yes, when my second coming occurred, which occurred some time ago, I returned as Steven Seagal,” he says patiently. “I found that I quite enjoyed this new art of acting, so I made that my life this time.” He adds with a chuckle.

”Wait, so if I’m here, does that mean I’m-“

”Dead? Yes. But this is not heaven. I have caught you on the edge of life and death. You see, the heavens have decreed that pineapple on pizza is the best thing to ever grace our existence, far better than anything I ever did for humanity. I believe you and your friend are the best hope humanity has at defeating Putin, and preserving your pizza. Which is why I must beg of you to return. I can send you back. You must not give up this fight, for the fate of the world itself. I have even brought a friend.” He gestured to what appeared to be a model of a chicken, and as his hand went by, its plumage became red, its eyes black, and its talons a yellowish orange. It looks up at you and makes a soft cluck.

”Nugget!” You exclaim, running over and hugging your foul companion. “With Nugget back, I know we can’t lose, you have to send me back! PUTIN WILL FALL!!!”

Jesus’s kind smile emerges again. “I thought you might say that. Very well... follow me.” He leads you into the back room, the kitchen, where everything is still completely white and frozen, and opens the store cabinets, with them returning to their oaken wood color at his touch. Inside each of the store cabinets were weapons or books or staves, sometimes a set of multiple or a combination, and all of them are made of a shining yellow substance. A few of them even contain a miniature steed, pegasus, or wyvern, with one of them containing a Kinshi, and some of them also contain miniature sets of armor. He then hands you a master seal, which looks identical to the one your father handed you forever ago. “Each of these sets of weapons and sometimes the corresponding mounts is made from the Holy Pineapple, the first pineapple to ever grace this Earth, giant and basking our world in its heavenly delight. However, what you see now are merely projections of what the last bit of pineapple could become, with the mounts and armor not to scale, of course. You will also need,” Jesus rummaged in his white robes before summoning a completely pink shield, with the texture of meat. “Protection front the Holy Ham as well! These are the two strongest substances to ever exist, and the best tools I can give you to aid in your fight against the evil of Putin. Now, use your master seal and look at the classes around you. What would you like to become for your fight against Putin?”

You set the Holy Ham shield down on the ground and grasp the master seal. You choose to...

A) Become a swordmaster and let the pineapple become a wo dao.

B) Become a hero and the let the pineapple become a brave sword and a hand axe.

C) Become an assassin and the let the pineapple become a killing edge and a killer bow.

D) Become a trickster and the let the pineapple become a silver sword and a heal staff.

E) Become a dancer and the let the pineapple become a levin sword.

F) Become a master of arms and let the pineapple become a steel katana, naginata, and club.

G) Become a songstress and the let the pineapple become a brass naginata.

H) Become a spear master and the let the pineapple become a waterwheel.

I) Become a basara and let the pineapple become a bolt naginata and a horse spirit.

J) Become a merchant and let the pineapple become a silver naginata and a silver yumi.

K) Become a paladin and let the pineapple become a javelin, a silver sword, and a horse.

L) Become a great knight and let the pineapple become a silver lance, silver sword, silver axe, set of armor, and a horse.

M) Become a general and let the pineapple transform into a brave lance, brave axe, and set of armor.

N) Become a warrior and let the pineapple transform into a silver axe and silver bow.

O) Become a berserker and let the pineapple transform into a killer axe.

P) Become a wyvern lord and let the pineapple transform into a wyvern, silver axe, and a silver lance or sword depending on what game.

Q) Become a malig knight and let the pineapple transform into a silver axe, thunder tome, and wyvern.

R) Become a blacksmith and let the pineapple transform into a silver club and silver naginata.

S) Become an oni chieftain and let the pineapple transform into a silver naginata and a tiger spirit.

T) Become a sage and let the pineapple transform into an elfire tome and a physic staff.

U) Become a mage fighter and let the pineapple transform into an elfire tome, silver sword, a restore staff, a thunder tome, and a wind tome.

V) Become a druid and let the pineapple transform into a luna tome and a physic staff.

W) Become a summoner and let the pineapple transform into Gleipnir and a heal staff.

X) Become a sorcerer and let the pineapple transform into a nosferatu tome.

Y) Become an onymoji and let the pineapple transform into a snake spirit and a bloom festal.

Z) Become a dark knight and let the pineapple transform into brynhildr, a rune sword, and a horse.

AA) Become a mage knight and let the pineapple transform into an elfire tome, horse, and physic staff.

BB) Become a valkyrie and let the pineapple become a horse, hammerene staff, and aura tome.

CC) Become a holy knight and let the pineapple transform into a levin sword, horse, and aura tome.

DD) Become a bishop and let the pineapple transform into an aura tome and a warp staff.

EE) Become a great master and let the pineapple transform into a silver naginata and a hexing rod.

FF) Become a priestess and let the pineapple transform into a sun festal and a shining bow.

GG) Become a sniper and let the pineapple transform into a silver bow.

HH) Become a bow knight/ranger and let the pineapple transform into a brave bow, a horse, and a silver sword.

II) Become a kinshi knight and let the pineapple transform into a kinshi, silver naginata, and silver yumi.

JJ) Become an adventurer and let the pineapple transform into a shining bow and a heal staff.

KK) Become a butler/maid with nuggest as your master, protecting her with the silver dagger and heal staff the pineapple transforms into.

LL) Become a mechanist and let the pineapple transform into a silver shuriken, spy yumi, and a puppet cat thing.

MM) Become a master ninja and let the pineapple transform into a spy shuriken and a silver katana.

NN) Become a super journeyman and let the pineapple transform into a hatchet.

OO) Become a super recruit and let the pineapple transform into a slim lance.

PP) Become a super pupil and let the pineapple transform into a fire tome.

QQ) Become a falcoknight and let the pineapple transform into a silver lance, iron sword, and a pegasus.

RR) Become a wyvern knight and let the pineapple transform into a silver lance and a wyvern.

SS) Become a freelancer and let the pineapple transform into a silver sword.

TT) Become a hunter and let the pineapple transform into a silver boe.

UU) Become a ballistician and let the pineapple become a ballista and potentially a bow.

VV) Become a manakete and let the pineapple transform into a dragonstone.

WW) Become a taguel and let the pineapple transform into a beaststone.

XX) Become a nine-tails and the let the pineapple transform into a beaststone.

YY) Become a wolfssenger and let the pineapple transform into a beaststone.

ZZ) Become a dread fighter and let the pineapple transform into a silver sword.

AAA) Become a dark flier and let the pineapple transform into a pegasus, a silver lance, and an elfire tome.

BBB) Become a baron and let the pineapple transform into a silver lance and a set of armor.

CCC) Become a fire dragon and let the pineapple transform into... breath?

DDD) Become an ice dragon and let the pineapple transform into... breath?

EEE) Become a divine dragon and let the pineapple transform into... breath?

FFF) Become a mage dragon and let the pineapple transform into... breath?

GGG) Become a wyvern and let the pineapple transform into... breath?

HHH) Become a duke knight and let the pineapple transform into a silver sword, silver lance, and a horse.

III) Become a bard and let the pineapple transform into a flute.

JJJ) Become a high priest and let the pineapple transform into a mend staff, a fire tome, a wind tome, a thunder tome, and an aura tome.

KKK) Become a dark mage and let the pineapple transform into a fire tome, a thunder tome, a wind tome, a Luna tome, and a heal staff.

LLL) Become a griffon rider and let the pineapple transform into a silver axe and a griffon.

MMM) Become a transporter and let the pineapple transform into a wagon complete with horses, where you can transport... something.

NNN) Become a rogue and let the pineapple transform into a slim sword.

OOO) Become a cat and let the pineapple transform into claws.

PPP) Become a tiger and let the pineapple transform into claws.

QQQ) Become a lion and let the pineapple transform into claws.

RRR) Become a raven and let the pineapple transform into a beak.

SSS) Become a hawk and let the pineapple transform into a beam.

TTT) Become a heron and reject the pineapple, doing whatever it is they do in fe.

UUU) Become a red dragon and let the pineapple transform into... breath?

VVV) Become a white dragon and let the pineapple transform into... breath?

WWW) Become a true blade and let the pineapple transform into a silver sword.

XXX) Become a sentinel and let the pineapple transform into a silver lance.

YYY) Become a reaver and let the pineapple transform into a silver axe and a crossbow.

ZZZ) Become a marksman and let the pineapple transform into a silver bow and a crossbow.

AAAA) Become a whisper and let the pineapple transform into a silver knife/dagger.

BBBB) Become a dragonlord and let the pineapple transform into a silver axe, silver lance, and a dragon.

CCCC) Become a war monk/war cleric and let the pineapple transform into a silver axe, killer knuckles, and an aura tome.

DDDD) Become a war master and let the pineapple transform into a killer axe and silver gauntlets.

EEEE) Become a mortal savant and let the pineapple transform into a silver sword and ragnarok time.

FFFF) Press B and remain a pirate, just taking an axe or something.

Edited January 25, 2021 by Sooks

[Shrow]

15 hours ago, Sooks said:

FFFF) Press B and remain a pirate, just taking an axe or something.

You glance through all options, so many options its too many! You start to get nervous thinking about each class, sweating at the thought.
You begin to feel frustration but remembered your own words.

Quote

The obvious answer is to become a pirate. Because pirates are objectively the best thing ever.

A smile forms on you, your soul's confidence regains itself. You look the son of Christ in the eyes and say "Not today, I don't need to change anything about me. I didn't make it this far just to change classes." You pump your chest proudly. "I'm already the best class!"

Jesus can't help but follow up with a smile, truly nothing can change a man with determination. He asks "And what would you like the Holy Pineapple to become?"

Your answer is straight "Devil's Axe"

Jesus's lowers his face for moment, he raises again letting out a brief chuckle. "All or nothing then?"

"Go big or go home" you mimic the chuckle

The Holy Pineapple brimming with power, darkens into an evil mass, it forms itself into a dark weapon, echoes scream out from the tool of destruction.
A shiver runs through Jesus's spine, he passes you the weapon with haste, not wanting to hold on to it for long.

"Ironic" He says "A holy fruit of great power turned into the devil's weapon."
He finishes "Swing it well."

You now have the weapon in your grip, you feel the shiver yourself, this isn't just any devil's axe, its the very one Lucifer once wielded.
"I'll only need one." You answer.

Your attention turned toward the Master Seal now, you won't be needing it. However there's a certain cowardly but immortal friend of yours that does.

Jesus returns you and nugget to the inside of the movie screen.
You no longer see falling names but rather, a cliff side looking over the water with a sunset. This must be the after-credits scene.
You see Putin looking over the cliff side his back turned to you, his hands behind his back, he radiates an incredible power, multiple magical wings sprout from his back all perfectly symmetrical. He truly is more powerful then god.

He already knows you're in his prescence, he starts his monologue. "You're the son of Joj, that damn bandit from the mountains of Moldova. For centuries the leader of the Joj clan has headed an intricate criminal syndicate which terrorizes these lands and beyond without mercy." His arms let loose to his side, he turns his head to the right, looking at you with glowing right eye, it pieces your very senses. "And you're taking over leadership of this group?".
Despite his excellency and godhood, he shows a rather mortal anger, he clenches his fist tight, he turns his body to you with a scowl. "You're just like your father, always elusive, always getting away with whatever he pleases, not a damn thing he does makes sense but it just works out, always." He's already fuming through his nose.
"Not anymore. The age of pirating is coming to a close, with my hand I will shut down the lives of every brigand and change this world." He narrows his expression and  his wings spread.

"Starting with you."

A weapon appears in Putin's hand, a weapon of an uncomprehending form.
Merlinus is off to the side waking up from likely his 12th death today and Nugget clucks by your side.
With your left hand you toss the master seal bonking Merlinus on the forehead, he starts his promotion glow. (Note that you do not have the Holy Pineaple)

Spoiler

 

15 hours ago, Sooks said:

You choose to...

A) Become a swordmaster and let the pineapple become a wo dao.

B) Become a hero and the let the pineapple become a brave sword and a hand axe.

C) Become an assassin and the let the pineapple become a killing edge and a killer bow.

D) Become a trickster and the let the pineapple become a silver sword and a heal staff.

E) Become a dancer and the let the pineapple become a levin sword.

F) Become a master of arms and let the pineapple become a steel katana, naginata, and club.

G) Become a songstress and the let the pineapple become a brass naginata.

H) Become a spear master and the let the pineapple become a waterwheel.

I) Become a basara and let the pineapple become a bolt naginata and a horse spirit.

J) Become a merchant and let the pineapple become a silver naginata and a silver yumi.

K) Become a paladin and let the pineapple become a javelin, a silver sword, and a horse.

L) Become a great knight and let the pineapple become a silver lance, silver sword, silver axe, set of armor, and a horse.

M) Become a general and let the pineapple transform into a brave lance, brave axe, and set of armor.

N) Become a warrior and let the pineapple transform into a silver axe and silver bow.

O) Become a berserker and let the pineapple transform into a killer axe.

P) Become a wyvern lord and let the pineapple transform into a wyvern, silver axe, and a silver lance or sword depending on what game.

Q) Become a malig knight and let the pineapple transform into a silver axe, thunder tome, and wyvern.

R) Become a blacksmith and let the pineapple transform into a silver club and silver naginata.

S) Become an oni chieftain and let the pineapple transform into a silver naginata and a tiger spirit.

T) Become a sage and let the pineapple transform into an elfire tome and a physic staff.

U) Become a mage fighter and let the pineapple transform into an elfire tome, silver sword, a restore staff, a thunder tome, and a wind tome.

V) Become a druid and let the pineapple transform into a luna tome and a physic staff.

W) Become a summoner and let the pineapple transform into Gleipnir and a heal staff.

X) Become a sorcerer and let the pineapple transform into a nosferatu tome.

Y) Become an onymoji and let the pineapple transform into a snake spirit and a bloom festal.

Z) Become a dark knight and let the pineapple transform into brynhildr, a rune sword, and a horse.

AA) Become a mage knight and let the pineapple transform into an elfire tome, horse, and physic staff.

BB) Become a valkyrie and let the pineapple become a horse, hammerene staff, and aura tome.

CC) Become a holy knight and let the pineapple transform into a levin sword, horse, and aura tome.

DD) Become a bishop and let the pineapple transform into an aura tome and a warp staff.

EE) Become a great master and let the pineapple transform into a silver naginata and a hexing rod.

FF) Become a priestess and let the pineapple transform into a sun festal and a shining bow.

GG) Become a sniper and let the pineapple transform into a silver bow.

HH) Become a bow knight/ranger and let the pineapple transform into a brave bow, a horse, and a silver sword.

II) Become a kinshi knight and let the pineapple transform into a kinshi, silver naginata, and silver yumi.

JJ) Become an adventurer and let the pineapple transform into a shining bow and a heal staff.

KK) Become a butler/maid with nuggest as your master, protecting her with the silver dagger and heal staff the pineapple transforms into.

LL) Become a mechanist and let the pineapple transform into a silver shuriken, spy yumi, and a puppet cat thing.

MM) Become a master ninja and let the pineapple transform into a spy shuriken and a silver katana.

NN) Become a super journeyman and let the pineapple transform into a hatchet.

OO) Become a super recruit and let the pineapple transform into a slim lance.

PP) Become a super pupil and let the pineapple transform into a fire tome.

QQ) Become a falcoknight and let the pineapple transform into a silver lance, iron sword, and a pegasus.

RR) Become a wyvern knight and let the pineapple transform into a silver lance and a wyvern.

SS) Become a freelancer and let the pineapple transform into a silver sword.

TT) Become a hunter and let the pineapple transform into a silver boe.

UU) Become a ballistician and let the pineapple become a ballista and potentially a bow.

VV) Become a manakete and let the pineapple transform into a dragonstone.

WW) Become a taguel and let the pineapple transform into a beaststone.

XX) Become a nine-tails and the let the pineapple transform into a beaststone.

YY) Become a wolfssenger and let the pineapple transform into a beaststone.

ZZ) Become a dread fighter and let the pineapple transform into a silver sword.

AAA) Become a dark flier and let the pineapple transform into a pegasus, a silver lance, and an elfire tome.

BBB) Become a baron and let the pineapple transform into a silver lance and a set of armor.

CCC) Become a fire dragon and let the pineapple transform into... breath?

DDD) Become an ice dragon and let the pineapple transform into... breath?

EEE) Become a divine dragon and let the pineapple transform into... breath?

FFF) Become a mage dragon and let the pineapple transform into... breath?

GGG) Become a wyvern and let the pineapple transform into... breath?

HHH) Become a duke knight and let the pineapple transform into a silver sword, silver lance, and a horse.

III) Become a bard and let the pineapple transform into a flute.

JJJ) Become a high priest and let the pineapple transform into a mend staff, a fire tome, a wind tome, a thunder tome, and an aura tome.

KKK) Become a dark mage and let the pineapple transform into a fire tome, a thunder tome, a wind tome, a Luna tome, and a heal staff.

LLL) Become a griffon rider and let the pineapple transform into a silver axe and a griffon.

MMM) Become a transporter and let the pineapple transform into a wagon complete with horses, where you can transport... something.

NNN) Become a rogue and let the pineapple transform into a slim sword.

OOO) Become a cat and let the pineapple transform into claws.

PPP) Become a tiger and let the pineapple transform into claws.

QQQ) Become a lion and let the pineapple transform into claws.

RRR) Become a raven and let the pineapple transform into a beak.

SSS) Become a hawk and let the pineapple transform into a beam.

TTT) Become a heron and reject the pineapple, doing whatever it is they do in fe.

UUU) Become a red dragon and let the pineapple transform into... breath?

VVV) Become a white dragon and let the pineapple transform into... breath?

WWW) Become a true blade and let the pineapple transform into a silver sword.

XXX) Become a sentinel and let the pineapple transform into a silver lance.

YYY) Become a reaver and let the pineapple transform into a silver axe and a crossbow.

ZZZ) Become a marksman and let the pineapple transform into a silver bow and a crossbow.

AAAA) Become a whisper and let the pineapple transform into a silver knife/dagger.

BBBB) Become a dragonlord and let the pineapple transform into a silver axe, silver lance, and a dragon.

CCCC) Become a war monk/war cleric and let the pineapple transform into a silver axe, killer knuckles, and an aura tome.

DDDD) Become a war master and let the pineapple transform into a killer axe and silver gauntlets.

EEEE) Become a mortal savant and let the pineapple transform into a silver sword and ragnarok time.

FFFF) Press B and remain a pirate, just taking an axe or something.

 

 

 

You ready your shield and axe, you're pretty sure you can hear boss music.
(After having chosen Merlinus's class)

A) Wait for Merlinus to promote and see what he does

B) Charge Putin right away, no holding back

C) Send in Nugget first

D) Talk to Putin and distract

E) Ignore all above suggestions and get creative

Edited January 25, 2021 by Shrow

[Sooks]

20 minutes ago, Shrow said:

You glance through all options, so many options its too many!

I’m glad someone appreciates my hard work.

[Shrow]

Just now, Sooks said:

I’m glad someone appreciates my hard work.

That must have taken you so long, I felt bad for taking the pirate option so I re-used it for Merlinus.

[Sooks]

24 minutes ago, Shrow said:

That must have taken you so long, I felt bad for taking the pirate option so I re-used it for Merlinus.

I started and didn’t stop to think how long it would take until I was too far in to call it quits (even if I did stop before I reached every playable non-lord promoted class). For the memes!

But don’t feel bad about picking the pirate, if I didn’t want it as an option I wouldn’t have included it!

[Jotari]

5 hours ago, Shrow said:

That must have taken you so long, I felt bad for taking the pirate option so I re-used it for Merlinus.

I would have felt ad if anyone had picked anything other than pirate! Because as we have firmly established, pirates are objectively the best.

6 hours ago, Shrow said:

You glance through all options, so many options its too many! You start to get nervous thinking about each class, sweating at the thought.
You begin to feel frustration but remembered your own words.

A smile forms on you, your soul's confidence regains itself. You look the son of Christ in the eyes and say "Not today, I don't need to change anything about me. I didn't make it this far just to change classes." You pump your chest proudly. "I'm already the best class!"

Jesus can't help but follow up with a smile, truly nothing can change a man with determination. He asks "And what would you like the Holy Pineapple to become?"

Your answer is straight "Devil's Axe"

Jesus's lowers his face for moment, he raises again letting out a brief chuckle. "All or nothing then?"

"Go big or go home" you mimic the chuckle

The Holy Pineapple brimming with power, darkens into an evil mass, it forms itself into a dark weapon, echoes scream out from the tool of destruction.
A shiver runs through Jesus's spine, he passes you the weapon with haste, not wanting to hold on to it for long.

"Ironic" He says "A holy fruit of great power turned into the devil's weapon."
He finishes "Swing it well."

You now have the weapon in your grip, you feel the shiver yourself, this isn't just any devil's axe, its the very one Lucifer once wielded.
"I'll only need one." You answer.

Your attention turned toward the Master Seal now, you won't be needing it. However there's a certain cowardly but immortal friend of yours that does.

Jesus returns you and nugget to the inside of the movie screen.
You no longer see falling names but rather, a cliff side looking over the water with a sunset. This must be the after-credits scene.
You see Putin looking over the cliff side his back turned to you, his hands behind his back, he radiates an incredible power, multiple magical wings sprout from his back all perfectly symmetrical. He truly is more powerful then god.

He already knows you're in his prescence, he starts his monologue. "You're the son of Joj, that damn bandit from the mountains of Moldova. For centuries the leader of the Joj clan has headed an intricate criminal syndicate which terrorizes these lands and beyond without mercy." His arms let loose to his side, he turns his head to the right, looking at you with glowing right eye, it pieces your very senses. "And you're taking over leadership of this group?".
Despite his excellency and godhood, he shows a rather mortal anger, he clenches his fist tight, he turns his body to you with a scowl. "You're just like your father, always elusive, always getting away with whatever he pleases, not a damn thing he does makes sense but it just works out, always." He's already fuming through his nose.
"Not anymore. The age of pirating is coming to a close, with my hand I will shut down the lives of every brigand and change this world." He narrows his expression and  his wings spread.

"Starting with you."

A weapon appears in Putin's hand, a weapon of an uncomprehending form.
Merlinus is off to the side waking up from likely his 12th death today and Nugget clucks by your side.
With your left hand you toss the master seal bonking Merlinus on the forehead, he starts his promotion glow. (Note that you do not have the Holy Pineaple)

  Hide contents

 

 

 

 

You ready your shield and axe, you're pretty sure you can hear boss music.
(After having chosen Merlinus's class)

A) Wait for Merlinus to promote and see what he does

B) Charge Putin right away, no holding back

C) Send in Nugget first

D) Talk to Putin and distract

E) Ignore all above suggestions and get creative

There is a great flash, just above where Merlinus was standing is now a large golden dragon. "Oh my," says Merlinus. "It seems I have joined the ranks of the divine dragons. However will I carry my wagon like this."

You smile. "Excellent. Putin will never beat us now. Merlinus, take him down!"

Putin scowls in disbelief. "Where did this fool get a Master Seal!?" Putin readies his weapon of indeterminate description as he pepares to defend himself from Merlinus.

Divine Dragon Merlinus winds up to attack and then stops. Putin blinks in disbelief. Merlinus just stares with his surprisinly adorable draconic eyes.

"What are you waiting for?" you scream.

"It seems I don:t know how to attack. I lack a breath weapon."

The wind blows over the cliff as everyone stands their awkwardly. You sigh. "Well that was a wase of time. Okay, Merlinus. You just sit there as the least casual observer ever. Nugget and I shall handle this."

A) Charge Putin right away, no holding back

B) Send in Nugget first

C) Talk to Putin and distract

D) Ignore all above suggestions and get creative

[AnonymousSpeed]

2 hours ago, Jotari said:

D) Ignore all above suggestions and get creative

"Wait Putin, we don't have to fight. I've been studying Eastern Orthodox iconography lately and I've used it as inspiration for some really cool paintings. What do you think of them?"

You show Putin a stylized acrylic of St. Sophronius, which impresses him greatly.

"This impresses me greatly," says Putin. "I am looking to expand Church iconography in Russia. Would you be interested in a position with the Ministry of Culture?"

A) Accept your cushy government job and live out your days making Eastern Othodox iconographic paintings

B) Accept your cushy government job so you can betray Putin later

C) Swing the Devil Axe at Putin

D) See what Steven Seagal has to say about all this

[Sooks]

1 hour ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

C) Swing the Devil Axe at Putin

You walk toward Putin.

”Yes of course! Eastern Orthodox Iconography has always been a passion of mine and I’m just so excited!! Thank you sir! I have so many ideas, starting with-!”

You stop mid sentence after having gotten close to Putin, his guard dropped, and swing your pineapple axe. It seems the holy pineapple itself is able to penetrate whatever this form of his is, for he reels back in pain and is now bleeding green, like every monster video game boss.

”Grrr you...!” He leaps back before you can land another blow but straightens himself suddenly, looking oddly calm. “It is no matter. I’ll simply leave you stranded here in this movie to die and find a way out myself. Good bye, son of Joj.” He says with a horrible grin as he backflips off the cliff and takes flight, soaring away over the setting sun.

”No! I won’t let you escape!” You bellow, running over not to the cliff, but to the dragon Merlinus, bringing Nugget with you. You mount your ride and cry “Merlinus, to the skies!” and he takes flight with great movements of his large wings, and soars toward Putin. It turns out that Merlinus can fly faster than him. He tries to out maneuver you but you are faster, and then Nugget takes flight as well. She jabs him with her beak while he tries to get away, not having to manage fighting her and her godly beak as well. He suddenly stops flying forward and only keeps himself suspended above the ground, now knocking away Nugget with one powerful strike of his arm. “It’s clear I must... summon my final form!” is the last thing he says before being eve loped in green flames, his silhouette transforming from that of a winged man to a dragon twice the size of Merlinus, and emerges clad in emerald green scales, breathing a great wave of fire Merlinus only just manages to dodge. You steer Merlinus forward, facing the dragon head on and

A) Swing at him with the pineapple axe.

B) Have Merlinus fly up and drop you on top of Putin, where you for a weak spot in those scales, but stealthily so he doesn’t think to turn over like a certain Awakening boss.

C) Grab hold of Nuggets feet/talons/claw things instead, having her take you atop the best while Merlinus fights it head on, although without breath, but stealthily, so he doesn’t think to turn over like a certain Awakening boss.

D) Pray to Jesus for assistance.

E) Rewind the movie.

[Shrow]

On 1/26/2021 at 4:04 PM, Sooks said:

D) Pray to Jesus for assistance.

E) Rewind the movie.

Why not both?

The sky's are an awful place to fight Putin, nothing to hide behind and no where to put my feet on the ground. Bigger question, how exactly is Putin going to attack?

You yell up at Putin from on top of Merlinus, "Hey Putin! What element are you?"
Putin laughs, "Taxes." he responds.
Oh no! Your one weakness!

Blyad'. you mutter. okay, shoot. No worries, I have an idea. You close your eyes and call upon Jesus. "Hey Jesus could you do me one more favour?"

You pause "Could you rewind the movie, right to the start?" You feel the confident warmth of Jesus, he's answered your call.

The environment changes, the sunset over the horizon starts moving backwards from dusk. The water below you moving backwards, very quickly too.
Suddenly everything is black again, the names in the credits no longer coming from below but now rapidly falling from above.

Dragon Putin's massive building like size pales in comparison to just how pissed he is right now. That fact that you keep pulling non-sense out of no where is really grinding his gears. Putin's massive angry dragon scowl is replaced by his massive jaw opened to fire his taxes-based breath attack right at you.

Thankfully one of the credit names blocked the attack. "Thanks Yelizaveta the screenwriter!" you say. The names moving so fast you couldn't even make out the last name. In fact the names are all moving so fast Merlinus is taking quite the effort just trying to dodge them. Putin however is being pelted by all these names, he grows only angrier. He can't dodge worth squat being his massive size. I guess he should've have considered a smaller cast.

Now we're back in his Dojo, fortunately for us the presidential dragon can't fit inside of it. Putin's head smashes through the roof and he's awkwardly trying to keep himself in frame. The DVD's stopped rewinding now and the people are now reacting to the massive dragon trying to oddly maneuver around their gym.

Now you have the advantage, dismounted from Merlinus, you finally have your feet on the ground. Nugget clucks beside once again ready mess someone up.
Putin looks very sore from getting hit by his own casts list. He is also, very, very, very mad. Definitely has an anger problem. Putin's distracted now's a good time to...

1) Find Merlinus a breath attack

2) Make Putin angrier then he already is

3) Talk to one of the people in the movie

4) Do some exercises, no better place then a dojo\gym

5) Go ham with the Axe

6) Find armour against taxes-attacks

7) Pirate the DVD so you go to the anti-piracy screen.

[Jotari]

20 hours ago, Shrow said:

5) Go ham with the Axe

Ignoring better strategies, you do what Pirates do best and you begin to attack Putin with your axe. Unfortunately, like always, the devil affect on your axe backfires at the last possible second. Your own attack sends you flying into the (fortunately padded) wall of the dojo.

Putin finishes pulling apart the roof of the dojo so he can maneuver more easily and, more importantly, glare at you. "Clever of you to call upon (Eastern Orthodox) Jesus to aid you," he says, obviously trying to keep his cool while his rage piles up within him. "But I too serve a higher power. Come forth, Richard Dawkins, God of Atheism!"

There is a flash of light and at Putin's feet appears Richard Dawkins, but it is not the man as he is now, it is him in his prime, dressed like Kratos from God of War and armed with two swords. "Poor deluded soul," Richard Dawkins says, "deluded by the illusion of Jesus. Putin, my great profit and I shall have to put an end to you."

You pray to Jesus again asking him to fight Richard Dawkins, but Jesus responds in your head informing you that having god solve all problems is a cheap cop out and that you must contend with Dragon Putin and Richard Dawkins yourself. At that moment Richard Dawkins comes at you, swinging his dual swords. Shit. WTD you think. You have to act fast. You...

A) Order Melinus to stand in front of you as a meat shield.

B) Use accumulated bonus exp to level up and gain a new skill.

C) Abandon Jesus and swear fealty to Richard Dawkins and atheism (but not necessarily Putin).

Spoiler

(I looked up Putin's religious affiliation for the sake of this post, and it turns out he's not actually atheist, but he used to be. I guess we can only assume this is a political smoke screen he's put up to garner more power in post Soviet Russia...in addition to being a dragon)

 

Edited January 29, 2021 by Jotari

[AnonymousSpeed]

B)

You use all the bonus experience you've been accumulating this while adventure to level up a few times. You gain 2 strength, 1 speed, 1 HP, 1 luck, and 1 resistance. You also learn a new skill- you can now check Twitter!

"Richard Dawkins!" You stand up and show him your phone. "Is this you implying the war on Christmas is real?"

Dawkins gasps.

"And quoting G. K. Chesterton?"

Glowing Cracow begin to appear all over Richard Dawkins's Kratos body. He is lifted off the ground by the power of his gradual destruction. "Goddamn you!" he says.

"Sorry Richard Dawkins," you smirk, "but I have the power of God and anime on my side."

With a mighty shriek, Richard Dawkins explodes into a gabillion pieces. You earn 100 experienced for defeating him and get a perfect level up. Nice.

You turn to Dragon Putin. Despite your epic win just there, you're still very low on health. This could be a dangerous fight.

A) Fight Putin using Twitter...somehow.

B) Call upon your Father in Heaven

C) Call upon your father Joj in Moldova

D) Let Merlinus deal with him while you heal up

E) Ask Merlinus for some items

[Sooks]

24 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

E) Ask Merlinus for some items

“Hey, Merlinus, what do we have in the convoy?”Merlinus responds in a series of roars and scratchy noises. “Ah, darn, I don’t speak dragon.”

Speaking of dragons, Putin is now approaching you. He has taken [language we’ve been speaking] classes for dragon form and so he says “Mwahahaha! You fool! You’ve given me the perfect chance to enact my master plan, falling completely for the bait of Dawkins!”

”Wh-what have done!?” You stammer, backing up to be in line with Merlinus and Nugget.

”Ever heard of... a scratched DVD?”

””Isn’t this being played in a movie theater? The movie shouldn’t even be on a D- DV- D- D-D-D-D” you stutter trying to finish the word as the DVD deals with the scratches imprinted by Russia. Everything stops right after and it’s like someone paused reality, you can think and that it’s, no moving, no blinking, no breathing. Seconds go by, you think. Minutes? Hours? Days?

Them everything is moving again, but you’re on the ground, gashes across your stomach that are bleeding and a terrible pain there. Merlinus and Nugget are battling Putin just in front of you. Somehow they were immune to the scratches! They must have entered through Netflix.

Putin appears to have summoned men to his aid, they ready their fire arms as Merlinus rears to attack, and Putin orders them... in dragon. They managed to dodge Merlinus’ might tail swing, and you see them all wearing special headphones. You wonder if this is how they understand dragon before scrambling to your feet as Nugget sends a load of chicken nuggets soaring at them like bullets from the behind as they focused on dodging Merlinus. They fall to the ground and you crawl over and grab one of their sets of headphones, jamming it on your head. “Merlinus! Say something!” you shout as the battle between he and Putin continues, Nugget trying to protect your dragon comrade.
 

“Nugget!” he responds, though in dragon, and yet you understand.

”Yes! They work! Okay, now tell me what we have in the convoy!”

”Let’s see, we have a smart phone, a wyrmslayer, my teddy bear, A Wendy’s 4 for $4 with a spicy chicken sandwich and spicy nuggets, as well as a large sprite, and a level one recruit by the name of Amelia with a slim lance and absolutely trash base stats.” Merlin is hasty grabs his teddy bear and rests it on the floor before asking what you would like.

What would you like?

A) The cellphone

B) The wyrmslayer

C) The Wendy’s 4 for $4

D) Amelia

[Shrow]

On 1/29/2021 at 12:46 PM, Sooks said:

C) The Wendy’s 4 for $4

Amelia is poking her head out hoping to picked but you give her only a look complete dis-interest.

Recruits are only good if you get them early on, what am I supposed to with a lvl1 pre-promote at this point? You think to yourself.
You shove her head back into the convoy and stick your hand in to find something more useful. You find what you're looking for and reel your hand back out.

In your hands is fairly large metal box with a speaker mesh on the front.
Its one of those drive through boxes, a mundane female voice comes from it "Welcome to Wendy's, may I take your order?"

Taped onto the box is a voucher for a free 4 for $4 meal. You respond "Hi I got a voucher here for 4 for $4 meal."

The young women responds "Okay the 4 for $4 comes with 4 piece nuggets, a drink of your choice, fries and a choice of 2 different burgers."
The women finishes "The 2 burger choices are a JR. bacon Cheeseburger or Crispy Chicken BLT."

You give it a brief thought, "I'l take the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger please."
"And the soda pop?" The women responds.
"uhhhh" You think to yourself, your not much of pop guy. Might as well take something "I'll have a Root Beer, closest thing to alcohol I guess."

You can't see it but you feel the women roll her eyes.
"Will that be everything?"
"Yes" you say
"Enjoy your order! Thank you for coming!" With that the communication cuts off and a tray of food pops out of the bottom of the metal box.
Just like you ordered, the tray contains the root beer, nuggets, fries and burger. It doesn't matter how this food made to you, you're hungry and you're gonna eat it.

You take a bite out of the burger first, start with the best part. Fast food or not, the hunger you feel makes everything a delight to eat. As you chomp down on the burger; you taste the bacon, lettuce, tomato, cheese and patty all at once, feeling a hole in your stomach where there was no food. The crunchiness of the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger is amazing. You close your eyes and reminiscence on old memories. Joj Junior is what they called you back at home, fitting being a mirror of your great father. You wonder how mother is doing, you remember she was opening that burger shop with your father. She's always telling his old hide to retire and enjoy life.
It's good that he finally took a break, at least for while till the pirate heals up old wounds.

Speaking of wounds, Putin has been clawing at you for the past minute without you even noticing. It seems you can heal off Wendy's food, the wounds Putin's been inflicting are moot compared to your aggressive healing patty.
You finish off the burger and go for nuggets next, speaking of Nugget I hope they won't mind me eating their cousin, though Nugget shoots these things all the time anyway. You unceremoniously shove the 4 piece nuggets into your mouth. Chewing down on the fried chicken pieces with satisfrying pleasure.

You look back at Putin who's now very aggravated. His next turn of action cause your eyes to go wide, as Putin leans back on one foot and lift his main foot in attempt to squash you.

Ooop I can't heal through that!
You decide to try something clever, as Putin's massive dragon foot closes in on squishing you, you toss the devils axe at the foot, not the sharp end but rather the handle. The Devil's Axe becomes equipped on Putin's foot, as he tries squish you under. He suddenly jolts back and loses his balance, falling over embarrassingly and destroying everything around his falling area. Putin looks as if he stepped on a sharp molten Lego.

"Should've level'd your Luck!" you laugh confidently. The Devil's Axe flies through the air from Putin's foot back into your hands catching it mid air.

You would've enjoy the view more but the DVD appears to still be skipping.

You take a sip from the root beer and eat a few fries while thinking your next action. Being fully healed is great, a better situation then before but now what?
You eye the room...

A) Find a way the fix the skipping

B) Throw Merlinus and Nugget at the enemy

C) Throw the convoy at the enemy

D) Throw your axe at the enemy

E) Throw yourself at the enemy (using a catapult or something)