Feedback for "Feil the Ripper"

[Shuuda]

If you don't like the way I'm going about doing a story, you don't have to read it.

Sigh, this retarded argument again. It's wrong to ignore things I do not like: I do not like seeing people being beaten in the street, but I wouldn't ignore it now would I?

When you start writing a story, you can do it in any way you prefer.

I do, but I take other people into consideration.

I appreciate feedback

You clearly do not; otherwise you would have proof read your work to fix that tense issue. You have made all too clear that you don't give a damn about improving, or writing something good. So along as you get little nicely nice comments. Heck, if I took out all the meanie words from my comments, you would still try and find some way of disregarding them.

but the way you describe how you feel about this, and the fact that you continue to read it, makes you look like a masochist.

Erm, what. It's only been two friggin' chapters. I have little intention of reading further if you must know. (though now I might consider doing so to laugh at your "stunt", that is, assuming you were not lying about that whole "sucker-punch" nonsense).

I'm trying to improve. I just improve at a different rate from others. Really, the only problem I seem to have with you is my tenses. Since the way I tell my story is part of my own descision, and if you have a complaint about that, then it's just something you'd have to deal with since that's how I want to tell my story.

Tell me, how much proof reading to fix the tense issue did you do. Judging by what I've read, I doubt you put much effort into it. Proof against your point.

You seem to insist on using this "It's my decision!" without realising how that it means nothing. If your decision is making your story bad, then it is not a good thing.

If you are going to repeat the same argument over an over, pick a point that works.

I think you're supposed to have a question mark there. Not a period.

It was rhetorical. And having low standards is a bad thing.

I can't speak for her, but I think she's more focused on the story itself and the themes it has or will have. She's not focused on the actual delivery of it. It may not be the same way with you, but not everyone has the same standards.

Are you trying to imply that I am not concerned about the story and themes? The fact that the delivery of your characters is bad means that the story itself is bad. These things connect: bad delivery equals a bad story, and a bad story equals no point in delivering such rubbish. Not that your story is that good, judging by the characters.

I doubt she is. It's none of her business whether I improve or not. She's reading the story for her own reasons. She doesn't have to give a damn if I improve. She's probably impartial to whether I improve. If I do, then great! If I don't, well she likes my stories the way they are and there's no harm done. If I decrease in my ability to write, then she has no obligation to continue reading.

People who do not improve are bad humans beings. I cannot comment on the rest of that without insulting her intelligence.

Let me take this as an example of the replies you have to ignore Will. Your stuff Will, while decent(for the levels of this forum) it is nothing close to "awesome". Am I being crude here? Yes. Am I being honest? Yes. Here at Serenes they have the terrible habit of giving "thumbs up posts". Let me tell ya: this posts kill your chances of improving. This posts make you think you're doing great when you're mediocre at best. They do not inspire any desire for self improvement. They are like iron weights that that hold you from improving as an artist. This is posts are a true example of what we casually call "bullshit". If you're smart will you'll completely ignore this single sentence posts that don't help at all. If someone over here says your stuff is "awesome" they are lying; ignore them and if possible tell them to cut the bullshit.

If you want to be a mediocre artist then by all means ignore this post. If you want to improve I suggest you find a decent place to get criticism because this ain't it.

Thank you, Mad Fredin. This quote has been underlined by me for emphasis.

Edited February 4, 2009 by Shuuda

[Masu]

Sigh, this retarded argument again. It's wrong to ignore things I do not like: I do not like seeing people being beaten in the street, but I wouldn't ignore it now would I?

I do, but I take other people into consideration.

You clearly do not; otherwise you would have proof read your work to fix that tense issue. You have made all too clear that you don't give a damn about improving, or writing something good. So along as you get little nicely nice comments. Heck, if I took out all the meanie words from my comments, you would still try and find some way of disregarding them.

Erm, what. It's only been two friggin' chapters. I have little intention of reading further if you must know. (though now I might consider doing so to laugh at your stunt).

Tell me, how much proof reading to fix the tense issue did you do. Judging by what I've read, I doubt you put much effort into it. Proof against your point.

You seem to insist on using this "It's my decision!" without realising how that it means nothing. If your decision is making your story bad, then it is not a good thing.

If you are going to repeat the same argument over an over, pick a point that works.

It was rhetorical. And having low standards is a bad thing.

Are you trying to imply that I am not concerned about the story and themes? The fact that the delivery of your characters is bad means that the story itself is bad. These things connect: bad delivery equals a bad story, and a bad story equals no point in delivering such rubbish. Not that your story is that good, judging by the characters.

People who do not improve are bad humans beings. I cannot comment on the rest of that without insulting her intelligence.

Thank you, Mad Fredin. This quote has been underlined by me for emphasis.

So ur gonna troll him.........interesting.

[Mufasa]

Sigh, this retarded argument again. It's wrong to ignore things I do not like: I do not like seeing people being beaten in the street, but I wouldn't ignore it now would I?

Once again: You're comparing apples and oranges. Beating someone, or inflicting any sort of violence on them, is different from writing a story that they may not like.

I do, but I take other people into consideration.

So do I. Which is why I'm stating that you're open to the possibility of leaving. I write for myself, over writing for my readers. Call me selfish, but my stories are a part of me. As I'm sure you will manipulate this into an insult of some sort, since you seem to be more spiteful than any other person on the forest.

You clearly do not; otherwise you would have proof read your work to fix that tense issue. You have made all too clear that you don't give a damn about improving, or writing something good. So along as you get little nicely nice comments. Heck, if I took out all the meanie words from my comments, you would still try and find some way of disregarding them.

I think it's good. And I care about improving, but I have many other things to do in my life. I don't often have the time to proof-read every chapter of a story I write. I'm not doing this to be graded or judged, I'm doing this for my own recreation. I do it to relax.

Erm, what. It's only been two friggin' chapters. I have little intention of reading further if you must know. (though now I might consider doing so to laugh at your stunt).

Well, I'm glad I have another dedicated reader then. ^_^

Tell me, how much proof reading to fix the tense issue did you do. Judging by what I've read, I doubt you put much effort into it. Proof against your point.

Once again, I often don't have the time. I'm loaded down with school and work, and I barely have enough time to write anything at points.

You seem to insist on using this "It's my decision!" without realising how that it means nothing. If your decision is making your story bad, then it is not a good thing.

It's still my choice though. Good or bad, I like my stories to be something that I do on my own, without someone holding my hand the whole way.

If you are going to repeat the same argument over an over, pick a point that works.

I'm only repeating my arguments because you keep repeating yours. You've obviously figured out by now that talking to me like this is futile, so why are you continuing to force us to bicker back and forth? It's clear that your motive is not to help me improve, but it's to target me specifically. You clearly just don't like me, so you continue to go after me. Then you go after those who support me, in order to discredit them, so you can keep making me look bad. You're motives are transparent.

Are you trying to imply that I am not concerned about the story and themes? The fact that the delivery of your characters is bad means that the story itself is bad. These things connect: bad delivery equals a bad story, and a bad story equals no point in delivering such rubbish. Not that your story is that good, judging by the characters.

Did I say that? All that I intended to imply was that she did not care for grammar the way you do. The story is still fairly young, and I haven't been able to develop or establish those characters yet. You don't know what I have planned for the story, and you don't know where I intend to go. Decide at the end if the story is bad or not, but you can't place an entire opinion on two damn chapters. Only one of which had most of the characters you're complaining about.

People who do not improve are bad humans beings. I cannot comment on the rest of that without insulting her intelligence.

Okay. I'm a bad human being then. It's still none her's business or your business.

Thank you, Mad Fredin. This quote has been underlined by me for emphasis.

Okay. Great. You're still being a prick though. Your first post in this topic was completely fine. I had no problem with it at all, even if I could sense a little spite behind it, I had no reason to argue. Even your second post was fine, but I responded to why I did something the way I did it. It was only after that that you started to argue and piss me off.

So be as over-critical as you want. I may or may not take your opinion into account, I'm sorry if I don't try to fix what problems you have with it, but as a critic you should probably understand that you may get ignored or someone may disagree. So just accept it when someone disagrees and make life easier for everyone by moving on with something else.

[Shuuda]

Once again: You're comparing apples and oranges. Beating someone, or inflicting any sort of violence on them, is different from writing a story that they may not like.

The principle is the same: if I do not like something, I should not just stand by and do nothing.

So do I. Which is why I'm stating that you're open to the possibility of leaving. I write for myself, over writing for my readers. Call me selfish, but my stories are a part of me. As I'm sure you will manipulate this into an insult of some sort, since you seem to be more spiteful than any other person on the forest.

You clearly do not; otherwise you would have proof read your work to fix that tense issue.

You clearly did not consider Kiryn and I.

I think it's good.

Everyone thinks their work is good, it proves nothing.

but my stories are a part of me.

Fancy words to make yourself look good. But I think you need a better spin doctor.

As I'm sure you will manipulate this into an insult of some sort, since you seem to be more spiteful than any other person on the forest.

I hope I am not the only one who will spot how hypocritical that is. It's fine for you to insult me, but I'll be condemned for doing the same no doubt.

Once again, I often don't have the time. I'm loaded down with school and work, and I barely have enough time to write anything at points.

Proof reading is essential, no excuses. I cannot express how much it matters. Oh, and once again, you are being hypocritical: claiming your story to be a part of you, but you won't even put just a small piece of time aside to do the essential proof reading.

It's clear that your motive is not to help me improve, but it's to target me specifically.

Under your logic, I must be out to get Urvan/Ragnell as well; but he doesn't seem so offended by my harshness.

You're still being a prick though.

Insult.

So be as over-critical as you want.

Insult. (In the sense that you are exaggerating the fact that I criticise people's stories).

since you seem to be more spiteful than any other person on the forest.

Insult.

As I'm sure you will manipulate this into an insult of some sort,

Ouch.

Edited February 4, 2009 by Shuuda

[Mufasa]

The principle is the same: if I do not like something, I should not just stand by and do nothing.

You clearly did not consider Kiryn and I.

Everyone thinks their work is good, it proves nothing.

Fancy words to make yourself look good. But I think you need a better spin doctor.

I hope I am not the only one who will spot how hypocritical that is. It's fine for you to insult me, but I'll be condemned for doing the same no doubt.

Proof reading is essential, no excuses. I cannot express how much it matters. Oh, and once again, you are being hypocritical: claiming your story to be a part of you, but you won't even put just a small piece of time aside to do the essential proof reading.

Under your logic, I must be out to get Urvan/Ragnell as well; but he doesn't seem so offended by my harshness.

Insult.

Insult. (In the sense that you are exaggerating the fact that I criticise people's stories).

Insult.

Ouch.

Fine, whatever, think of me as however you want, I really don't care. I'm really just sick of wasting my time arguing with you about really trivial and opinionated things. You consider your opinions as fact, and that everyone should abide by your rules. Do it somewhere else, cause I don't give a shit.

If you want to make criticisms, fine, but don't start ordering me around on how to write my story. At the very least, don't do it with a nasty attitude. We're obviously not going to see eye to eye on this, and you can end this conflict very easily just by walking away.

[Shuuda]

Fine, whatever, think of me as however you want, I really don't care. I'm really just sick of wasting my time arguing with you about really trivial and opinionated things.

Yeah yeah, I turned your post against you, and now you don't want to play anymore.

You consider your opinions as fact,

Now where did I say that? And it's not like you were any different. Not to mention the fact that you've not done anything that disproves my opinions.

If you want to make criticisms, fine, but don't start ordering me around on how to write my story. At the very least, don't do it with a nasty attitude. We're obviously not going to see eye to eye on this, and you can end this conflict very easily just by walking away.

Like I said, you've done nothing that invalidates me criticisms, why should I walk away? If you could actually make a proper argument, then maybe they would sound less like orders.

cause I don't give a shit.

Tsk.

Edited February 4, 2009 by Shuuda

[Mufasa]

Yeah yeah, I turned your post against you, and now you don't want to play anymore.

So your arguments are so empty that you have to use mine to combat me? Interesting.

Now where did I say that? And it's not like you were any different. Not to mention the fact that you've not done anything that disproves my opinions.

I don't need to disprove them. They're OPINIONS. Look the word up in the dictionary idiot! It's not fact, it's opinion!

Like I said, you've done nothing that invalidates me criticisms, why should I walk away? If you could actually make a proper argument, then maybe they would sound less like orders.

Walking away would be the 'mature' thing to do. That word that you're so fond of. You're criticisms are fine, I have no problem with them at all, despite the nasty attitude you put into your previous one. However, when I debate them, you start arguing with me, even though all I did was explain why I did something that way.

Just shut-up already and do something more productive. You've made it clear that you don't like the story, and you're just wasting both of our time. You're just being a troll.

[Shuuda]

So your arguments are so empty that you have to use mine to combat me? Interesting.

Nice try; but I can't help it if I spotted something foul within the contexts of your post now can I?

I don't need to disprove them. They're OPINIONS. Look the word up in the dictionary idiot! It's not fact, it's opinion!

This is funny coming from the person who seems to think "It's my decision" is a justification for his faulty writing. I know their opinions, but you have no said anything that invalidates them.

Walking away would be the 'mature' thing to do. That word that you're so fond of. You're criticisms are fine, I have no problem with them at all, despite the nasty attitude you put into your previous one. However, when I debate them, you start arguing with me, even though all I did was explain why I did something that way.

Walking away, like what you tried to do but just failed by making that post. It's all well and good for me to walk away, but what about you?

However, when I debate them, you start arguing with me, even though all I did was explain why I did something that way.

No, you debated nothing. What you did was you made a boastful claim that your butchering of character introduction was an intention thing and that it would work out; without any evidence to suggest such.

One thing I like to do to my readers is throw them for a loop. Make them think that one thing will happen, and then sucker punch them with something completely unexpected.

and you're just wasting both of our time. You're just being a troll.

I beg to differ, there was much sport in this propagandistic buffoonery.

Face it Lyle, all you've been doing is blowing a load of hot air about how I'm a big meanie and making faulty justification with your usual self-righteousness.

I'm going to have to be the one to walk away from this. Make whatever last laugh you want; but since you failed to take your own advice, it's up to be to be the bigger man.

See you next chapter. (Don't forget to give them headings.)

Edited February 4, 2009 by Shuuda

[Mufasa]

Nice try; but I can't help it if I spotted something foul within the contexts of your post now can I?

This is funny coming from the person who seems to think "It's my decision" is a justification for his faulty writing. I know their opinions, but you have no said anything that invalidates them.

Walking away, like what you tried to do but just failed by making that post. It's all well and good for me to walk away, but what about you?

No, you debated nothing. What you did was you made a boastful claim that your butchering of character introduction was an intention thing and that it would work out; without any evidence to suggest such.

I beg to differ, there was much sport in this propagandistic buffoonery.

Face it Lyle, all you've been doing is blowing a load of hot air about how I'm a big meanie and making faulty justification with your usual self-righteousness.

I'm going to have to be the one to walk away from this. Make whatever last laugh you want; but since you failed to take your own advice, it's up to be to be the bigger man.

See you next chapter. (Don't forget to give them headings.)

Riight. Now that I've decided to bring up the whole "The mature thing would be to walk away." You suddenly agree and have decided to walk away.

Face it Shuuda, you're just as full of shit as you claim that I am, and I see through your pathetic attempts to make others look inferior to hide the fact that deep down you're a scared little boy with no confidence in yourself and you hide behind a bravado of intelligence and ego.

And the reason why I didn't give any 'evidence' is because that would spoil most of the story. Which would defeat the purpose of writing the story. And not just saying: "This guy does this. Then this guy does that. Then the other guy blows off his head. The end."

Also, I don't know if it was intentional or not, but you had more spelling errors in that post than a ghetto child on his first day of school.

If you continue to troll, as you seemed to have promised, I will report any and all posts that do such. Leave criticism if you want, but if you start acting like a douche, I'll report you till they need a new mod to help take care of all the reports.

[Florete]

Stop bickering, you two. Lyle, if don't want Shuuda's advice, just ignore it. Shuuda, if he doesn't want your advice, I suggest you save time and don't offer it.

[Defeatist Elitist]

...

Lolz.

So... Let me see the progression of what seems like every mediocre to bad story here.

Persons posts. Shuuda responds with valid criticisms. Person responds, not accepting criticism. Shuuda posts again reinforcing criticism. Person posts and goes "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW MY STORY IS GOOD I KNOW IT BECAUSE ME AND MY FRIENDS THINK SO ITS SUBJECTIVE YOU KNOW LOLOLOLOLOLOL!"

May I be the first to point out that whether or not you LIKE it is entirely pointless? It's whether or not its GOOD that's in question, and Shuuda has clearly shown that its not. I'd rather not get into the opinion argument again, but let me just say that people tend to misuse a lot of words around here...

Anyway, Lyle, you really should stop it. You make yourself look awful like this, because Shuuda has never even stopped being civil. Throughout the argument he stayed calm and under control. You however filled your posts with bullshit and tripe. Any person who had a clue about arguing in general could see how laughable it really is.

So kind of what Fox said, but for your sake Lyle, I hope you take his advice.

[Freohr Datia]

Well, Lyle answered for me kinda well, but here's my replies from me myself...

You mean, because your Lyle's buddy, or because you have no standards.

It's because I have no standards. I'm saying as long as I get a story being told and it's entertaining, then I will like it. Rarely will I care about the mistakes.

What does perfection have to do with this? Perfection is a terrible thing. This is about things far more important than being perfect; it's called improving.

Ah, so I'm glad you understand that much =D Perfection's lame

It just sounded to me as though you were telling Lyle to get his grammar and all that important writing stuff perfectly. Please forgive me for assuming you wanted perfectionism, it's just what it sounded like to me.

So, you don't care if Lyle improves?

I don't care if he improves or not, that's for him to care about.

[Agro]

And I care about improving, but I have many other things to do in my life. I don't often have the time to proof-read every chapter of a story I write.

Can I just ask you a question? Okay. Whatever. Anyway: why do you have something like 3 fics running if you "don't have time"?

[Mufasa]

Can I just ask you a question? Okay. Whatever. Anyway: why do you have something like 3 fics running if you "don't have time"?

Because I'm completely insane.

Now shut-up and quit trying to argue about something that A. You have no business in, and B. Was already over 2 days ago.

[Shuuda]

But Lachesis has a good point. Try giving a proper answer.

Was already over 2 days ago.

In that case, you still have two going.

And think carefully about how you answer my post.

Edited February 6, 2009 by Shuuda

[Mufasa]

By Lachesis has a good point. Try giving a proper answer.

In that case, you still have two going.

And think carefully about how you answer my post.

Another error in your writing it seems. Though I don't hold it against you, it is hard to see what you're trying to say.

I'm under no obligation to answer your post. Who are you that I have to answer to?

And now all of the sudden you have the courage to try and bring up an argument with me only after seeing that someone has your back. Give it a rest Shuuda, neither of us want to waste our time arguing over something so trivial. Hopefully you'd have something better to do with your time. If not, then I pity you.

[Shuuda]

Another error in your writing it seems. Though I don't hold it against you, it is hard to see what you're trying to say

Don't go off-topic. It's obvious why you did that.

I'm under no obligation to answer your post. Who are you that I have to answer to?

If someone asks you a question; you either answer it, or you don't. But whether you do, do not give some lame response like you just did.

And now all of the sudden you have the courage to try and bring up an argument with me only after seeing that someone has your back.

Yes well, I have recovered from you blatantly hurtful and off-topic comment, which only strengthened my vindication. It was surprising to realise that you were that kind of a person; but I'm over that now. It's not my fault if I am not the only one with criticism for you now is it?

Give it a rest Shuuda, neither of us want to waste our time arguing over something so trivial.

You don't speak for me.

Hopefully you'd have something better to do with your time. If not, then I pity you.

I can multi-task!

Edited February 6, 2009 by Shuuda

[Ϲharlie]

Now shut-up and quit trying to argue about something that A. You have no business in, and B. Was already over 2 days ago.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. He was just asking a simple question. Why are you getting so snippy? That was completely unnecessary.

[Mufasa]

Don't go off-topic. It's obvious why you did that.

I wasn't trying to discredit you or anything. It is sometimes difficult to see what you mean. "By Lachesis has a good point" didn't make any sense. I could assume that you meant "But" but, I can't be sure of that, you might have meant something else.

If someone asks you a question; you either answer it, or you don't. But whether you do, do not give some lame response like you just did.

I gave an answer:

"I'm completely insane." - Lyle Dayek Posted Today, February 6th 2009 at 02:27 PM

You know better than anyone that that statement is true, thus it is my reason.

Yes well, I have recovered from you blatantly hurtful and off-topic comment, which only strengthen my vindication. It was surprising to realise that you were that kind of a person; but I'm over that now. It's not my fault if I am not the only one with criticism for you now is it?

Another spelling error. You forgot a 'd'. I'm assuming you forgot it, anyway. Cause it's not grammatically correct if you didn't put it in. Just FYI.

I'm not saying that it's your fault that he also disagrees. All I said was that you haven't said anything about this since you Pmed me, and now that someone else shares your opinion, you're all over this again. To me, that cries out that you were scared of starting a fight with me again, and now that you have someone backing you up, you feel more confident.

You don't speak for me.

Okay. Then I don't want to waste my time arguing over something so trivial and stupid. So here, is there anything I can say that will get you to stop arguing about this? I'm willing to swallow my pride and say: "Okay Shuuda, I'm sorry we had this fight, you were right about my grammar problems, and you're right to have your opinion about my story even if I disagree with it, can we go back to being super-best-friends again?" if that'll get this over with. It's really just annoying me now.

I can multi-task!

.__.

Then you can still do something else.

[Mufasa]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. He was just asking a simple question. Why are you getting so snippy? That was completely unnecessary.

....

You've looked through this entire topic, and of all posts you only find that one "snippy?"

I've said much snipper things in this topic. Take a look around.

[riariadne]

Well, Lyle answered for me kinda well, but here's my replies from me myself...

It's because I have no standards. I'm saying as long as I get a story being told and it's entertaining, then I will like it. Rarely will I care about the mistakes.

Ah, so I'm glad you understand that much =D Perfection's lame

It just sounded to me as though you were telling Lyle to get his grammar and all that important writing stuff perfectly. Please forgive me for assuming you wanted perfectionism, it's just what it sounded like to me.

I don't care if he improves or not, that's for him to care about.

Now that's the kind of person I want to see more often!

*adds to friends list*

anyway Lyle, I think that your story is very good, although you could probably make it a little more kid-friendly (most specifically the third post).

[Mufasa]

Now that's the kind of person I want to see more often!

*adds to friends list*

anyway Lyle, I think that your story is very good, although you could probably make it a little more kid-friendly (most specifically the third post).

Lol. Well, it'll tone down from the third one, but it'll be somewhat adult level. (Mostly cause of violence. But nothing too bad.)

[Agro]

....

You've looked through this entire topic, and of all posts you only find that one "snippy?"

I've said much snipper things in this topic. Take a look around.

Possibly because I wasn't taking sides, or arguing, and you lashed out at me?

Anyway, about the writing itself; there are a few issues I have with the way you write in general. No, I'm not trying to instigate a fight, but I want to you keep it in mind for your later writing, as it should be taken.

“He said I was in perfect health!” Feil replied happily. He didn’t care what others thought. So long as Mrs. Henderson still liked him, he was happy. In the hall, Feil noticed a line of several other Vault members, all waiting for Dr. Brian to give them they’re annual check-up, like Feil before them. Several of Feil’s peers were in line as well. There was Aaron, the son of Officer Davis, whom was one of the officers that found Feil. Feil didn’t like Aaron all that much. The feeling was mutual, and the two tended to avoid each other. Anytime they did talk, Aaron would just bully Feil around. Feil was lucky though. Aaron would usually ignore Feil in favor for another kid to pick on, Stuart. Stuart wasn’t on the line, but Feil saw him often enough. He liked Stuart. Even if the kid was a little odd and nerdy, Feil preferred that to Aaron. Also, sometimes Feil would learn various facts from Stuart, such as history, some mathematics, and various things. Stuart was Feil’s closest friend, at his age. But he still didn’t talk to him too much. The next person Feil noticed in line was a girl in his class, Lisa. Lisa is as quiet as Feil was, when he first entered the Vault, except she’s quiet for different reasons. She’s not timid. She keeps to herself. Feil didn’t bother her too much. And they never really talked all that much. The final person in the line that Feil knew, was another girl his age, Christi. Feil really liked Christi, she was very energetic, and it was her example that Feil followed when he was trying to get more comfortable with the other members of the Vault.

The way the sentences are shortened in this paragraph make it sound a bit like a children's book. I'm not saying you have to make long sentences, but try to make them more meaningful. As it is...

Anytime they did talk, Aaron would just bully Feil around. Feil was lucky though. Aaron would usually ignore Feil in favor for another kid to pick on, Stuart. Stuart wasn’t on the line, but Feil saw him often enough. He liked Stuart. Even if the kid was a little odd and nerdy, Feil preferred that to Aaron.

... doesn't sound articulate enough.

I also noticed you say some characters' names a bit too much, giving it the whole repetition thing again. Try substituting "Feil" for "he", "his", etc a bit more often instead of using his name so much.

I realise you're using the timeskip in the same way Fallout 3 uses it, but the amount of time spent on each period feels far too short. It's too late to tell you otherwise, but keep it in mind. Also, the timeskip feels tacked-on and very rushed. It just... happens. You might like to try and let it flow better.

With those words, Feil’s respect for her increased.

Your Karma has increased! This sounded a bit weird to me, particularly because it's random. I don't know Feil, but I can say I wouldn't suddenly think "I respect you more" while I'm talking about escaping the Vault. I think, as Shuuda says, incorporate more of these "thought events" into the dialogue (eg. Feil talks to her afterwards and says he didn't know her like that).

For the rest of it, I recommend you run Feil through the Mary-Sue Litmus Test just to make sure he isn't becoming one. There are a few little elements in this that are ringing little bells, but it isn't obvious yet.

[Mufasa]

Possibly because I wasn't taking sides, or arguing, and you lashed out at me?

Anyway, about the writing itself; there are a few issues I have with the way you write in general. No, I'm not trying to instigate a fight, but I want to you keep it in mind for your later writing, as it should be taken.

The way the sentences are shortened in this paragraph make it sound a bit like a children's book. I'm not saying you have to make long sentences, but try to make them more meaningful. As it is...

... doesn't sound articulate enough.

I also noticed you say some characters' names a bit too much, giving it the whole repetition thing again. Try substituting "Feil" for "he", "his", etc a bit more often instead of using his name so much.

I realise you're using the timeskip in the same way Fallout 3 uses it, but the amount of time spent on each period feels far too short. It's too late to tell you otherwise, but keep it in mind. Also, the timeskip feels tacked-on and very rushed. It just... happens. You might like to try and let it flow better.

Your Karma has increased! This sounded a bit weird to me, particularly because it's random. I don't know Feil, but I can say I wouldn't suddenly think "I respect you more" while I'm talking about escaping the Vault. I think, as Shuuda says, incorporate more of these "thought events" into the dialogue (eg. Feil talks to her afterwards and says he didn't know her like that).

For the rest of it, I recommend you run Feil through the Mary-Sue Litmus Test just to make sure he isn't becoming one. There are a few little elements in this that are ringing little bells, but it isn't obvious yet.

First, let me say that I apologize for lashing out at you. Certain other discussions in this thread have put me on edge. So, my bad.

Second, thank you for your comment, and I appreciate the criticism. And allow me to comment on them.

-Yeah, I'm not all that good at describing people places and things. So I guess I'm not good at describing people. It probably won't be so bad when I introduce one character at a time, but when I'm showing a decent amount of characters like that, it'll show that I'm not so good at that. As the story progresses and I introduce one character at a time, I might get better at describing a group of characters.

-The whole "he's" "his" thing I'm trying to work on actually. IF you notice I think there's a little less "Feil"s in the most recent chapter then there was in the previous too. So I'm working on that and keeping it in mind.

-I'll have to agree with you on the first two timeskips. They were a little rushed. But that might be because I didn't have much material in store for those two time periods. The current time will last for at least another episode though. And yeah, it's mostly in reference to Fallout 3. A lot of stuff in this will be from my experience of playing Fallout 3. And you'll probably see some similarities to it. But it'll be different enough to keep you from knowing what will happen beforehand.

-The Karma line made me laugh. Nice one. XD I'll try to add in the thought events. I think I know what you mean.

-As for the Mary Sue thing. I kinda see what you mean, but I'm pretty sure that as Feil develops he'll be more and more unique. So yeah, he starts out kinda cliche, but then I think he'll grow into something more defined. I sorta see it as a coming of age thing.

[Princess Kilvas]

Ok, I just read the whole story so far. I have to say it really nice. And just curious, but what time/world does it take place in?