FE: Dawn of Darkness Feedback Thread

[Anacybele]

Anyone who is reading my fic should leave their comments and critique here.

I hope readers are enjoying it! ^^

Click here to read it.

EDIT: Also, for people who do read this story, I will agree that the first few chapters aren't as exciting as the latter ones. Others have said this too. But this only means that the story just gets better and better. And that's a good thing. ;)

BUT, DO NOT read if you fall under one or more of these categories:

- You don't like the IkexElincia pairing

- You don't like pairings/romance in general

- You don't like long chapters (they get rather long later on)

- You don't like really long stories in general

- You don't like seeing a lot of OCs

Edited December 1, 2011 by Anacybele

[Parrhesia]

Gonna be taking a chapter a day.

PROLOGUE

It had been three years since the war known as the Mad King's War, where a noble hero named Ike fought to free his country of Crimea from evil, came to an end. Despite this great victory and the bright future it seemed to herald, the seeds of war had only been planted and budding during that bloodshed, and the worst was yet to come. A series of new conflicts stemming from that war soon erupted almost simultaneously, combining and escalating into the greatest battle ever seen on the continent of Tellius, where the armies of two goddesses, Ashera and Yune, fought one another for even greater purposes. After a long journey filled with challenging battles and unlikely allies, Sir Ike managed to defeat Ashera, free the thousands of victims of her Judgment, a period where everyone save for her army and Yune's were turned to stone, and bring peace to Tellius once again.

"In another dimension completely..."

Little more than two months have passed since those dark days ended...

Somewhere to the west and across the ocean was the continent of Altarais, a land that remained unknown to nearly all of Tellius for several centuries. Certain events led to its re-discovery and natives of both continents, including the famed Sir Ike and a young Altaraisian mercenary named Azura,

Good thing they speak the same language.

...

Wait.

began traveling to and fro, developing trade routes quickly. However, talk of war had soon spread among the Altarais natives in the country of Talgria as quickly as a plague.

Yes, but in what language?

Azura, the mercenary who possessed a beautiful gold pendant,

pawned it immediately.

worked ever more to hone her skill with the blade

she pawned her useless loot to buy

while a nameless foe dogged her every step.

Could it be... BARRY FROM EASTENDERS?

Sir Ike left Tellius behind to escape the pain of his lost love, whom had instead married another.

Tellius supports gay marriage now? PROGRESS

A feline warrior named Ranulf accompanied the famous hero to give him hope and comfort.

Yesss... 'comfort'.

A queen named Elincia gloomily ruled over her nation, longing to find someone close to her heart.

Apart from Geoffrey.

Who is, you know... right there.

At her side.

The meeting of these four heroes in Altarais is where this tale unfolds.

... Ranulf's a hero? 'Revealing plot points anticlimactically' is a pretty shitty power.

...And the beginning of a force that would decide the fate of the entire land.

"Hm... nah, fuck you all. I'm blowing this joint!"

Oh, well. Not really certain how this whole thing will turn out. Maybe you've given other pairings a decent sho-

CHAPTER ONE

"Thank you…Ike…" she said. Just then, the two continued to gaze at each other, realizing how close their faces were.

Evidently not.

Ike bore a nervous expression on his face, but Elincia could see why it was so.

Because he's probably asexual?

He'd probably never been this close to a girl before in his young life. Ike couldn't help but smile at the beautiful young queen standing before him and in the next few seconds, his cheeks turned a rosy red. Elincia noticed it right away.

"Hee hee.

"Teedy heedy hee, sir."

You're blushing," she said, causing Ike to go red even more. "Whatever is the matter?"

"Well, I…I…," he replied, having trouble forming a complete sentence.

Ike, showing his trademark skill at speechcraft.

"Shhh," Elincia said, putting a finger to Ike's mouth. Her face began to move closer to Ike's with every second, and soon her lips were pressed against his. Ike, wide-eyed at first, couldn't help but return the passionate kiss and let his hands slip around Elincia's waist.

Actually, there are many alternatives to this action. Like headbutting her.

Elincia herself clutched Ike's neck.

"Ow. Y'r str'ngl'n' mrr."

The moment felt like it would last forever as Ike and Elincia remained in their embracing kiss. In her heart, Elincia knew she loved Ike and no one else.

Except for Geoffrey.

What other man had gone to protect her no matter what during the Mad King's War?

Geoffrey and Bastian.

Who else could she always turn to for help when trouble arose in Crimea?

Her retainers. Like Geoffrey.

One could say Geoffrey,

One HAS said Geoffrey.

but somehow it didn't feel the same.

Radiant Dawn is very selectively canonical.

Ike was also the one who was always there for her when she was unhappy or worried.

Except for when Geoffrey was there, which he had probably always been.

He'd also taught her some of the things he knew about swordplay.

Ooh, double entendre!

Elincia couldn't want any man more than she wanted Ike.

I get the impression you support IkElincia. You're making it very subtle and tying it into the story extremely well.

That was sarcasm.

The two let go moments later, both with small smiles on their faces.

"I love you," Ike finally managed to spit out. Elincia knew he meant it too. She had guessed he loved her quite some time ago and suspected he hadn't known it.

...That's possible?

Otherwise, Elincia wouldn't have chosen to make him realize it in the first place.

If he hadn't loved her without realising it, she couldn't really make him realise he loved her without having realised it.

She smiled and rested her head and hands upon Ike's chest. Ike responded by keeping one arm around her waist.

It occurs to me that they might as well be doing this in court for all the exposition we're getting.

"Oh…I love you ever so much as well," Elincia admitted. "I will admit it, Ike. I've been in love with you since Gallia."

Wasn't that like Chapter 9 of FE9? My knowledge of FE9 is VERY flawed, given that I've only played it ages ago.

"That long, eh?" Ike said, his tone sounding a bit embarrassed.

"To be honest, I was kinda thrown off by the entirety of Radiant Dawn."

"Hee hee…" she giggled again. "At first, I was impressed by how handsome you are." This statement caused Ike to blush again, and Elincia to further her giggling even more.

"Then, I could only love you more after seeing your strength and courage in battle and your burning desire to fulfill my dream of a liberated Crimea," Elincia went on.

"It reminded me of Geoffrey."

"You even spoke up whenever you thought someone was bullying me! I was forever grateful for everything you'd done and still am. Not even Geoffrey can match that.

Man, she mentions Geoffrey even when she's about to fuck Ike. THAT'S dedication.

And when you held my hand in the castle as we walked onto the balcony, I felt like the luckiest princess in the world."

"…Sorry, it's times like this that I have no clue what to say," Ike admitted, scratching the back of his head in slight embarrassment.

"Oh, that's alright," Elincia replied with a smile. "I'd feel the same way, actually."

"Heh. Although, I will say that the reason I chose to do so much for you," Ike said. "Is that I was falling in love with you too. I just wish I'd realized it sooner." Elincia wrapped her arms around Ike's neck and kissed his cheek again before replying.

"But you do now, and that's all that matters to me," she said, not letting go.

"I'm certainly glad of that," Ike replied, putting a hand to her chin. Within the next second, he'd locked lips with her once more. They stayed embraced for moments on in once again. After letting go and noticing how late it had become, they began to head for the door, holding hands while doing so. The last time they had done this was the very same balcony scene Elincia described, making it a crucial moment for both. After exchanging a good night kiss, Ike departed back into the castle while Elincia stood at the doorway, many new thoughts in her mind.

Like fantasies of Geoffrey.

Alright, in all seriousness, an overview. I'm running out of quote tags so the rest of the chapter will be in the next post. Probably tomorrow.

The positives; unlike most of the other fics that I decide to slap about in here, the technique is actually decent. You don't use 'said' enough, but apart from that...

Unfortunately, the entire thing seems like a blatant excuse JUST to ship Ikelincia. Sure, I've seen part of the first chapter, but that's just a memory of their first kiss. As opposed to Original the Continent over yonder. Which is kind of, you know, highly important to establish, because we've nothing to base it on besides Roid Rage Ike having gone there. And you seem to be ignoring the events of Radiant Dawn completely with regards to Elincia's preference in men. And where is my fucking exposition?

So... when's the actual plot going to start, exactly? It looks to be in about three paragraphs. Hopefully it'll get better then~

[spoiler=because I'll forget where it is otherwise]

The memory of the man she loved kept ringing through Queen Elincia's head as she sat in her bedchambers within Castle Crimea. That had been her first kiss, in the moonlit castle gardens under the stars. It had been, admittedly, clumsy and awkward at first. This didn't bother Elincia overmuch; if anything, she enjoyed the underlying revelation that she was his first love as much and he was her first. Their time together had been scarce, brief moments of joy stolen from the business of ruling Crimea and leading the war effort, but they were always worth the wait. After having lost so much, her parents and his, and enduring so much, two wars against unspeakable evil and seeing so much misery and death, their time together had allowed them to get something back and a shred of happiness that lightened their burdens and gladdened their hearts. But, even that was now denied. This train of thought reminded Elincia of a poem Bastian had been reading lately. She couldn't remember the poet's name, nor the exact quote, but it was about how there was no greater misery than to remember, with bitter regret, a time of pure happiness. Since her lover's departure, Elincia felt the truth of this every day.

It had been well over a month since she had last seen him, though it felt like years, and she continued to terribly miss him. Prior to his departure, a rumor had begun to spread about Elincia and Geoffrey, the commander of Crimea's Royal Knights, that they were sharing a secret romance. Many people had jumped to such a conclusion because Elincia had to have several private war meetings with him that were focused on major conflicts involving their nation, as well as Crimea's internal security so that a repeat of the debacle with Duke Ludveck might be averted. When the news of her lover's departure reached her ears, she could only weep in sadness, for she knew why he left. He must have heard the rumors as well and, wounded as she was, departed in grief. In truth, Elincia had no choice but to accept it and wed Geoffrey as her lord uncle, Renning, proposed soon after and there was no way the man she loved could have ever known that.

As she often did, Elincia regretted that she and her lover had never made their love public. It began roughly three years prior to the events that led to the present during another conflict known as the Mad King's War. The man had been given the title of Lord and made a general in order to liberate Crimea from Daein's grasp. Since then, only a few of the Crimea nobility and a mercenary company known as the Greil Mercenaries had any knowledge of it. Neither group had spread the word at the request of Elincia and her lover, due to the life this man led. They feared there would be uproar of questions and even possible protest among the Crimean common folk as well as the remaining nobility if the truth leaked out. After all, this man was but a commoner himself who rescued Elincia in her time of need. Even his title of Lord had only so much merit since bestowing it was an act of necessity, one which he had objected to. It was not known if their relationship would be accepted, not to mention it even had to be put on hold after the man renounced his peerage to live as a mercenary. More than once, Elincia had considered discreetly reinstating him as a Lord but her fledging monarchy was soon mired in a series of crises that demanded her full attention and more.

Even after everything that had occurred, Elincia still regretted having to marry Geoffrey, despite that she had little say in the matter. Geoffrey had been her next best choice in possible suitors and she would eventually need to produce an heir if she were to remain Queen. The truth was, however, that the two only saw one other as close friends with a bond as close as that of siblings. The only thing Elincia had left to remember the man she truly loved was a long, worn headband he once wore. Elincia now had it tightly gripped in her trembling hands. She'd gotten it from Oscar, one of Crimea's knights, who found it in the fort that once belonged to the Greil Mercenaries.

As tears began to fall down Elincia's cheeks, she began to think of how other people she knew had stayed with the ones they loved. Sothe and Micaiah, the new rulers of Daein, were the foremost example in her mind. If Queen Micaiah could marry Sothe, a lowly thief of all things, why should Elincia be denied marrying a common mercenary? The more she thought about it, the more upset it made her. Why did she have to be the only one without satisfaction in the end? Her thoughts were lost when there was a knock at the door and Geoffrey walked in. He noticed the tears trailing down Elincia's cheeks, easily sensing the reason why.

"You miss him, don't you?" Geoffrey guessed, already knowing the answer. Elincia quickly turned around to face him and wiped her tears.

"Yes…Oh, Geoffrey, I'm sorry! I miss him so very much…" Elincia admitted.

"Don't worry, I completely understand," Geoffrey replied. "You and Ike loved one another and you should not have had to hide anything." Elincia was speechless for a few seconds, blinking bemusedly as guarded hope welled up in her chest.

"R-really? You don't mind that it wasn't you I fell in love with?" Elincia asked, wanting to be sure.

"Of course. Our relationship has always been nothing more than platonic, has it not?" Geoffrey pointed out. "Those rumors merely started out of silly people jumping to conclusions. They should have realized that we would have to discuss what we were to do about Begnion and the Laguz Alliance bringing their conflict to Crimean soil. But no…they did not. It only tore you and Ike farther apart and it's clear that you two belong together."

"Oh, Geoffrey…" Elincia replied, sniffling with joy. "But how am I going to find Ike? What are we to do about our marriage?"

"You just leave that to me," Geoffrey replied with a smile. "I'll make sure you get out of here. Though, Lucia and I will miss you deeply, we understand." Elincia was unable to prevent the tears from rolling down her cheeks again. She couldn't restrain herself from getting up and throwing Geoffrey a hug for his efforts. As some of her sadness began to turn into excitement, Elincia thought of how Ike would react when she was finally in his arms again. She knew she couldn't live without the man she loved anymore and had to leave, no matter what anyone else thought.

"Oh, Geoffrey, I can't thank you enough!" Elincia cried. Geoffrey slipped his arms around her waist and returned her hug.

"Hey, I would do anything to make you happy," he assured with a smile. "Even if it means letting you leave Tellius."

"Thank you, but…we don't know where Ike is…" Elincia pointed out after she let go of Geoffrey.

"I have a pretty good idea," Geoffrey replied. "You know how Altarais was recently discovered, right?"

Elincia gasped with surprise at Geoffrey's response. Altarais, of course! The continent of Altarais had been discovered to exist west of Tellius just as the conflicts had ended. Ships bearing merchants and explorers alike had already begun plying the waters between the two continents.

"You mean he may have gone there?" she asked. "I must find a boat!"

"Now not so fast," Geoffrey said, smiling again. "Aren't you going to pack a few things first?"

"Oh, right, of course," Elincia replied, somewhat sheepishly. "I guess I'm just so eager to go."

Without a moment's hesitation, Elincia grabbed a knapsack and began stuffing the essentials inside, including Ike's old headband. It had been the very same head piece he'd worn during the Mad King's War. However, Ike's whereabouts were not the only thing on Elincia's mind at the moment. She wanted to feel the warmth of Ike's arms around her again and she wanted to be able to gaze once more at his handsome face, into his storm blue eyes. And, above all, she wanted to feel his lips on hers again. But what would everyone she knew in Crimea think of her suddenly leaving her nation behind to be with a mercenary? Of course, Ike's former companions, the Greil Mercenaries, would not have a problem with it, as they knew of the love between the hero of Tellius and the Queen of Crimea. Lucia, Geoffrey's sister, as well as Bastian, the count of Fayre, had also known.

However, there were also the other nobles and Crimean common folk who had long supported her as well as Geoffrey to consider. What would they think of such a decision made by their queen? What would Renning think? As Elincia worriedly contemplated this, she sighed with nervousness, wondering if she was really making a good choice at all. Upon seeing this, Geoffrey then approached her, having sensed her feelings.

"Elincia, do not worry about things here," he comforted. "I will see to it that no problems arise about what you have chosen to do. If Ike is the man you desire to be with, then it should be accepted."

"Are…are you sure?" Elincia wondered. "What about my lord uncle? Our friends from the Greil Mercenaries, Gallia, and Begnion? Even Daein?"

"Lord Renning would want you to be happy, no matter what. I assure you," Geoffrey replied. "I cannot speak for Daein, but everyone else has some well-found respect for Ike, as well as you. They would never refuse being happy for the both of you."

"Yeah, that's true. I guess that makes Daein the only oddball in this," Elincia mused.

"Well, strictly speaking, I'm not sure they would even care," Geoffrey admitted. "That Micaiah seemed to be so stuck up and stubborn that she probably wouldn't even notice Crimea's ruler changed for ages."

"Haha, probably, yes," Elincia replied with a little laughter. "Speaking of the throne, I presume my lord uncle will take over?"

"Of course. He was originally supposed to anyway," Geoffrey pointed out.

"Ah yes, that is true too," Elincia remembered. Renning being named heir to the throne after Elincia's late father, King Ramon, was the very reason her existence had been kept secret from the public.

"But, if you can't restrain yourself from worrying too much, perhaps you should write a farewell letter to Lord Renning explaining everything," Geoffrey suggested. "That way, he'll be sure to understand."

"Oh, good idea," Elincia agreed. She instantly grabbed some parchment and a quill once she finished her light packing. With Geoffrey's guidance as well as her own thoughts, Elincia had little trouble getting the important details written down, from the Mad King's War to a battle with wolf laguz a mere month later to the more recent Laguz Alliance conflicts. After signing her name upon completion, Elincia asked that Geoffrey deliver it and prepared for her departure. She threw off whatever she thought might betray her royal origins. Jewelry, head pieces, the translucent cape she wore, anything of the sort would be left behind. She threw on an old dark brown cloak once she was finished to disguise herself. It had been the cloak she always used in such occasions, more than a few of which related to seeing Ike. With great reluctance, she decided not to use her Pegasus, Gwydion, to fly to the nearest port. Though Gwydion had served her, and her great-grandmother before her, admirably in the wars, Gwydion was growing old and Elincia knew flying into port would only attract unwanted attention. While it pained her to think of leaving behind another friend, when those were few to begin with, she knew she was willing to make such a sacrifice to see Ike again and that Gwydion would be well taken care of in his old age.

"Geoffrey…I'm going to miss you and everyone else," she whispered, her voice choked with emotion. "I mean it. I wish Ike never had to leave Tellius…"

"Believe me, so do I," Geoffrey agreed. "And I assure you that if he and you ever return, no one will interfere, not even me."

"Thank you…" Elincia replied. "So much, Geoffrey." With that, they put their arms around each other once more in a final hug.

"Good bye, Elincia. And good luck."

"Good bye…"

Although their last hug had gone for moments on in, Elincia immediately exited the room when they were finished, her last gesture towards him being a tear falling down her cheek.

Why? Why, Elincia…? Why did all of this have to happen? Ike kept asking himself the same question over many times as he stood on a high rock overlooking the vast sea bordering the continent of Altarais. It was late in the day when the sun was on the verge of setting. It shined upon the large, open waters ahead, painting them red and gold. Why did you have to marry Geoffrey? Why did we have to keep everything about us a secret? Unable to rid his mind of the thoughts of his true love back in Tellius, the events leading to the separation of him and Elincia replayed over and over. The Crimean Rebellion that attempted to dethrone Elincia, the Laguz Alliance between Gallia, Phoenicis, and Kilvas going to war with Begnion and for a previously unknown reason, Daein, all played some sort of role. The rumors about Geoffrey and Elincia had indeed reached Ike's ears, and when they had done so, he could not prevent himself from grieving and choosing to simply run away from the problem. His desire to explore, though truthful, had merely been an excuse and a vain hope that his wandering would staunch his heartbreak. Had Ike and Elincia not turned all their focus on the now-resolved conflicts and kept their relationship so obscure, Lord Renning and the Crimean common folk would have recognized that in truth, Elincia loved Ike.

As Ike continued to watch the beating waves in the sea before him, another thought came to his mind. He wished somehow he could go back to Tellius to see Elincia again, but with her married to Geoffrey, he knew he could not show his face. It would only make matters worse and possibly cause even more rumors to start spreading. No good would come out of Elincia secretly seeing Ike while she had already married either. Ike's shoulders sagged under the weight of heartbreak and his gaze turned downward as he realized there was no way for him to succeed without causing trouble. Either he'd find out Elincia had discarded him in favor of Geoffrey or, even if she hadn't, he'd be faced with the impossibility of pursing his love with her since she was already married. Just then, a pair of footsteps came up from behind him. It was Ranulf, Ike's laguz companion and close friend on his journey. He had left his home of Gallia to join Ike on the trip. Ike turned around to see the cat laguz standing there.

"Oh, hey Ranulf…" he greeted in a depressed tone.

"I figured I'd find you up here. You're not sulking about the rumor incident again, are you?" Ranulf asked. "I told you it wasn't your fault."

"I know, but I still feel I could have made things come out differently," Ike replied. "I wish I could just turn back time."

"Well, I don't know, but listen, I know how you feel," Ranulf replied. "You know, about Elincia and all."

"What? Ranulf, I love her. I could have had a life with her, had all these problems not happened. Sure, she's of a royal bloodline, but I don't care. Love takes priority over my distaste for the life of nobles and royals," Ike stated. "Since when have you ever been involved in anything to do with love?" Ranulf heaved a sigh of nervousness before answering Ike's question.

"Well…I never told anyone this, but I…for the longest time I was stuck between Lethe and Lyre," Ranulf admitted. "I couldn't choose between either of them. Being twins, they were similar to one another and if you loved one, you can't help but love the other."

"Oh, I see where you're going with this. You chose to leave both so you didn't have to make a choice."

"Exactly. I never even knew who I loved, let alone could I be with her."

"I see. Perhaps I'm not solely to blame, but then I can't help but think Geoffrey is responsible too," Ike replied. "I actually once thought he did love Elincia, but I never said anything."

"Well, I really don't know about that either, but I can tell you that the rumors were definitely no one's fault," Ranulf assured Ike. "It was a gigantic misunderstanding."

"Yeah, you're right," Ike agreed. "I can't pout about it forever, so I may as well set it aside for now. Let's get going, it's starting to get late."

As the days went by, thoughts of being with Ike again never left Elincia's mind. After nearly missing last boat of the day to Altarais when she was leaving Crimea, she stood on the deck and looked out at the sea before her. Hopefully Altarais wouldn't be too long of a journey, at least not any longer than the ocean voyage from Crimea to Begnion during the Mad King's War, which was roughly two months. However, to her pleasure, the journey from Tellius to Altarais was said to be only a few weeks, due to the calm waters and the fact that this boat moved faster than the one Elincia and Ike had been on. As she remained on the deck, never taking Ike out of her mind while watching the sunlight sparking off the bay and relished the salty spray of the sea, Elincia wondered how Geoffrey was doing on the matter of meeting with Renning and ending the marriage, as well as her uncle's thoughts about the letter. She hoped that he would understand everything that had happened was a mistake. She felt that Geoffrey was right that he would, but Elincia simply couldn't bring herself to tell him in person.

Deciding to keep her identity of former queen to herself, Elincia, spent two more weeks aboard the ship in relative solitude until one night, when she returned below decks to turn in for the evening. The halls of the inside of the boat were full of people going to Altarais, either returning from exploring Tellius or having disembarked from Tellius to explore the newly discovered continent and having general conversation. As Elincia approached her cabin, a dark red-haired woman who appeared be no older than her had turned a corner into the hall. While in a run, she mistakenly bumped into Elincia, causing her to stumble. The woman swiftly caught her before she could fall.

"Oh! I beg your pardon! I'm so sorry!" the woman apologized. Elincia simply smiled as the woman helped her up.

"It's alright, it was just an accident," she replied. "I've…never seen you before. Are you from Altarais?" Before answering, the woman looked Elincia over as if the former queen was someone she knew, but hadn't seen in years.

"Why, yes, I am," the woman replied, smiling back. "I'm Azura. What brings you here?"

"Oh, I'm looking for someone," Elincia explained. "That's why I'm going to Altarais."

"You don't say? You wouldn't happen to be looking for a man named Ike, would you?" Azura guessed. Elincia's eyes widened in surprise.

"How…how'd you know that?" she gasped. Azura smiled again and pushed back her long red hair, part of which had been set back into a ponytail. Her chest, arms, shoulders, and legs were covered with light blue armor, undecorated and clearly designed for mobility, and a sword was sheathed at her side. The sword caught Elincia by surprise, as it looked remarkably like one Ike used to use. Its red grip and silver hilt were all too familiar. Elincia had little doubt that it was a Regal Sword. Had Ike given it to Azura or did more than one of those blades exist? Whatever the reason, Elincia's main thought was how Azura knew Ike at all.

"Ah, you see, he is indeed there. I met him at the harbor we're now heading for when he first arrived," Azura explained. "He's quite the acquaintance. At first, he wouldn't tell me why he'd left home, but when I convinced him that he could trust me, he gave me his story. It was quite a tale. I had wondered why he didn't seem happy when I first spotted him on the boat's plank." Azura went on to say that Ike had told her tales of his heroism in the Mad King's War as well as a sword he once used, a blessed golden blade called Ragnell, and conflict between the Begnion Empire and the Laguz Alliance. Elincia finished off these stories by mentioning a few things Ike hadn't told her, such as his duels against his former arch nemesis, the Black Knight and the Crimean Rebellion. It led her to begin talking of Ike's noble heroism, his strength and skill, his kindness, his courage, and how he would have secret meetings with her which no one else knew of. She even spoke of his looks, describing him as handsome beyond all reasoning.

"Heh, you really have it bad for Ike, don't you…Elincia?" Azura asked with a smile.

"How…how do you know who I am?" Elincia wondered with a gasp.

"Oh, Ike has talked about you more than anything else," Azura replied with a chuckle. "He misses you an awful lot." With that, Elincia turned her head and let her cheeks become a rosy pink color.

"That's my Ike alright," she confirmed. "How have he and Ranulf been? I mean…assuming you met Ranulf as well."

"Oh yeah, we all know one another. Ranulf is just his catty self, sometimes playfully teasing us," Azura replied. "Ike's great, except when he mopes about leaving you."

"Ah, well this is exactly why I'm traveling all this way," Elincia commented. "I've ensured that my people are in good hands. Being the queen of Crimea means nothing to me if I can't be with the man I love at the same time. In fact, I don't ever wish to speak of my royal blood again."

A few more days went by as Elincia grew to know Azura a little better each time they spoke. Ike had apparently talked with her a lot as well, as she knew more than Elincia had expected. She knew a little bit about the Greil Mercenaries, the aiding of the Laguz Alliance, and about the laguz themselves. Now reminded of another story, Elincia told her of the incident that had occurred with a new tribe, the wolves, just a month after the Mad King's War ended. Ike was almost killed in the battle when he dueled the wolf king one on one, despite how strong he is even without Ragnell. Two of the few remaining wolves that had inhabited a country called Hatari had then been seen in Tellius during the aiding of the Laguz Alliance.

"Wow. That must have been some battle," Azura commented one early morning. "And a strong king too. Ike mentioned something about a skill he uses and trains with called…Aether was it?"

"That's right. Everyone likes to call it his signature move. He used it against the wolf king, but the king still had a lot of energy, despite how badly wounded the move left him," Elincia finished. "Ike only barely brought him down, thanks to a lightning strike sending a boulder falling towards him." Elincia continued by mentioning the incident where Ike was shoved to the ground and buried in falling pieces of rock from a cliff above, but his superior physical strength enabled him to lift the biggest rock off the top of the pile and throw it a short distance. The wolf king, along with a lot of his comrades, were bowled over and killed by the boulder's impact. The wolf queen, Nailah, never indicated that she had any knowledge of the battle for an unknown reason.

"Wow, seriously?" Azura gasped with surprise. "I noticed Ike had quite the set of muscles, but I never pictured him doing something like that!"

"Yeah, Ike is an amazing warrior," Elincia replied, blushing and smiling at the same time. "That battle took a lot out of him though, he passed out from his wounds and losing a lot of blood. Rhys, one of the healers, managed to heal him but we feared he'd die from the blood loss. It was a miracle he lived."

"Well, thank goodness. It sounds like Ike had it real rough," Azura interpreted. Elincia nodded in agreement as the two headed onto the deck that morning. The sun was shining brightly with few clouds soaring over head in the blue sky. A light, cool breeze blew across the boat as it continued its journey to its destination. Elincia peered over the front of the boat and could faintly see hills, trees, and mountains in the far distance. A smile formed on her face as she pointed to the sight of land.

"Hey, is that Altarais?" Elincia asked, turning to Azura.

"Yep! We're almost there," she replied.

"Oh, finally! Soon I'll see Ike again for the first time in over two months…" Elincia gushed happily, tears of joy building up in her eyes. Perhaps Ike was still right there in town on the harbor, thinking of her at that very moment. She imagined how happy he'd be when she was in his arms again. Around a half an hour later, the boat finally began to pull into the dock. Elincia grabbed her bag from her boat cabin and bolted through the exit once it was opened. Azura followed behind, seemingly happy to be in her homeland again. The two came to a halt on the road into the little town called Galden at the coast of the nation of Talgria.

"Okay, I've seen Ranulf around here in town a lot, so if we're going to find Ike, we should look for him first," Azura said, breaking the silence. "If we find Ranulf, we'll have less trouble looking for Ike. He'll know where he is."

"Ah, good idea. Let's go!" Elincia agreed. "But wait, Ranulf is a laguz… The beorc here get along with them?"

"Yeah, we do. The beorc and laguz of Altarais have been at peace with one another for a long time," Azura explained as the two young women began their search in town for Ranulf, going down each road and alley way they could find. Despite searching for over an hour, however, the laguz was nowhere to be found. They even inquired if anyone had seen a blue-haired beast laguz wandering about in town, but no one could give them the answer they hoped for. Still, they kept up the search, hoping Ranulf would at least come into town sooner or later and tell them where they could find Ike. Almost suddenly, just as Azura and Elincia reached the outskirts of town, a group of what appeared to be bandits jumped out of nowhere from the woods ahead. The ring-leader cackled with delight when he set eyes upon the two women.

"Well, well! Looks like we got ourselves a couple o' girls askin' fer some trouble, mates!" he glowered, noticing both were armed. "Let's show 'em what happens when someone gets'n our way!"

Azura, betraying no more than irritation, glared at them and drew her sword.

"I don't think so, wise guy!" she retorted and charged at the leader. Since the he was wielding an axe, Azura had the upper hand with her sword due to better range and mobility, but it was unknown how strong the bandits actually were.

"Elincia! I'll hold these ruffians off! Keep looking for Ranulf!" Azura called back. However, Elincia had other ideas.

"But what if you're not strong enough by yourself?" Elincia asked worriedly, all too aware that the bandits had Azura outnumbered.

"Don't worry, I've handled guys like these a lot in the past!" Azura replied as she dodged the blade of an axe and drove her sword into the flesh of the bandit next to her. "Just go!"

"Al-Alright." However, one of the bandits spotted her as she began to flee.

"Oh no ya don't!" he shouted and ran after her. "Yer not goin' anywhere!"

"Elincia, behind you!" Azura warned, taking note of the situation. Elincia turned around, having heard what the bandit said.

"Oh yeah? My blade says otherwise!" she retorted and stabbed the bandit right in his gut with her own blade, Amiti. He immediately fell from the fatal blow. Elincia then continued running as fast as she could back through town before any other bandits could try to stop her. Scrambling through the roads as fast as she could, Elincia frantically sought out Ranulf, hoping to find him or even Ike before getting totally lost, and lost in a town all by herself was the last thing she wanted to be at the moment.

[Anacybele]

Firstly, can you please stop bringing up Geoffrey? I honestly don't like him at all. Also, Ike is not gay or asexual in my story.

Secondly, as you said, this is only the first chapter. The plot does not need to be rushed. It will make itself clear, just be patient. Also, Ike and Elincia are not the only pairing in this story. I have several others that will get just as much attention and these have shown up so far:

- LeyonxAzura

- BryanxFaline

- MarcxLeona

The first two will actually be getting even more. I will admit that some chapters have some big IkexElincia scenes (chapters 1, 2, 6, 7, and 26 to be precise), but this story will be at least 50 in the end, so that's nothing.

Thirdly, I was not ignoring any events in Radiant Dawn. In fact, I was keeping the entire game in mind. For one thing, Elincia is married to Geoffrey at the beginning of this chapter, which is a canonical pairing, the first paragraph of the prologue is practically RETELLING the events of both games, and so on.

Lastly, I consider anyone who fought to save people's lives a hero. And that's what Ranulf did.

EDIT: Oh, and Geoffrey wasn't there for Elincia for most of PoR. And like her retainers will do as much for her as Ike did.

Edited December 1, 2011 by Anacybele

[eclipse]

Preface: I tend to dislike most couples. And romance. And having to wander offsite to read stuff. But a certain someone bribed me.

Anyway. . .Furet can whine for me in Chapter 1. I can't see Ike and Elincia being lovers before he leaves at the end of FE10, because A Certain Future Husband might throw a hissy fit, and possibly have her killed for that. Ahem.

Chapter 2, here I come.

- Don't write in fragmented sentences while describing things. Here's an example:

Candidly, he was glad Ranulf had left because, although the azure-haired cat laguz was a good friend, he could be quite distracting at times. And, Ike needed to think.

- Some ladies like knights in shining armor. I for one wouldn't object to Geoffrey wooing me. Well. . .maybe not the one in this story, as he seems too self-sacrificing to be genuine. Elincia in Part 2 of RD had her priorities straight.

- afgsd. plasjdf;l. ASLDKGHAEOPWTUASLDJF!!! (I never want to see eyes described as orbs again, but this is due to some trauma that happened before your arrival)

An intensity built up in Ike's storm blue eyes until an onlooker could swear that lightning bolts played about the blue orbs.

- If Ranulf wants to figure out where those bandits went. . .why not transform and use that nose of his?

- If I were a dude, I'd freak the hell out if my girlfriend tracked me by my footprints.

- As for combat, fighting on horseback isn't the same as fighting on foot, and I can't see Ranulf and Elincia taking on that many bandits and walking away with only a scratch.

- Also, worst bandits ever. If you've got someone out cold, and want to make sure you're never followed, you slit their throats.

- With all the dead bandits around, is it that difficult for Ike to grab one of their axes?

OVERALL:

You describe things well, but it's painfully obvious which way you want the story to go. This isn't always a bad thing, but I'm not a happy reader when the writing forces things to go a certain way (like that entire Elincia debacle in Chapter 1).

[CT075]

Secondly, as you said, this is only the first chapter. The plot does not need to be rushed. It will make itself clear, just be patient.

No, plot does not need to be rushed, that's something we can all agree on. On the other hand, you do need to actually get it started as early as possible, ideally right after the backstory is finished. This isn't even out of personal disinterest with all the other... stuff going on there, the longer it takes for any kind of actual plot to happen, the more likely you are to bore your reader, who will proceed to go look at something else. I'm not saying you need to get OMG GET HALFWAY THROUGH THE ENTIRE THING IN THREE PARAGRAPHS, but you do need to get some kind of start before getting into your shipping.

Hell, three lines, like so, would have made it all better:

"But, my queen, the rebels have defeated an army three times their size with no clear show of force, it's not possible!"

"I refuse to believe that they are reciving aid from across the sea, it's equally unlikely."

"Even so-"

"Enough."

At least this way, you introduce part of your conflict, which catches attention.

[Anacybele]

Preface: I tend to dislike most couples. And romance. And having to wander offsite to read stuff. But a certain someone bribed me.

Anyway. . .Furet can whine for me in Chapter 1. I can't see Ike and Elincia being lovers before he leaves at the end of FE10, because A Certain Future Husband might throw a hissy fit, and possibly have her killed for that. Ahem.

Well, that's your opinion. I for one CAN see Ike and Elincia together, even more so than Geoffrey and Elincia (a couple I find not only too out of the blue, but also odd because they were raised as freaking siblings. Ew.), and I adore the pairing very much, so I wrote about it. Tough luck. Don't read if you don't like pairings, because there's a lot of them in this story. I'd advise you to stop right now.

Also, Geoffrey would be really immature and evil to throw a fit and kill Elincia just because she doesn't love him. Royal marriages weren't always carried out out of love, you know. Sometimes they were arranged. In the case of my story, Geoffrey and Elincia's was and they had not wanted that, but they were left with little choice, otherwise, there could have been trouble.

Chapter 2, here I come.

- Don't write in fragmented sentences while describing things. Here's an example:

Those aren't fragments. I don't see how.

- Some ladies like knights in shining armor. I for one wouldn't object to Geoffrey wooing me. Well. . .maybe not the one in this story, as he seems too self-sacrificing to be genuine. Elincia in Part 2 of RD had her priorities straight.

Knights in shining armor aren't the only ideal lovers out there, you know. Heck, Aimee develops a huge crush on Ike. Who's to say Elincia can't as well? Also, no, she does not. Elincia is on her knees and practically crying when she talks to Leanne and says she never wanted to be queen. How is that having her priorities straight? She also believes she was powerless to stop the rebellion and she is right, because Ike was the one who rescued Lucia, not her. Elincia, to me, is like the opposite of George Bush in terms of how they lead. She wouldn't often approve of force against an enemy, she'd rather talk things out first. She's just too kind, and she doesn't make her enemies fear her or anything, which made them decide to attack her easily. Plus, Renning was trained to be the next ruler. I think it would make more sense for Elincia to hand the throne to him after RD because it was originally his duty.

- afgsd. plasjdf;l. ASLDKGHAEOPWTUASLDJF!!! (I never want to see eyes described as orbs again, but this is due to some trauma that happened before your arrival)

Again, your opinion. A friend of mine came up with that line, though. He helps me revise.

- If Ranulf wants to figure out where those bandits went. . .why not transform and use that nose of his?

They're too far away for that at this time, but I guess I could've at least had him try that.

- If I were a dude, I'd freak the hell out if my girlfriend tracked me by my footprints.

Now when you're wearing the same boots like all the time, which Ike is. I'd think she'd easily recognize his footprint because of that. xP

- As for combat, fighting on horseback isn't the same as fighting on foot, and I can't see Ranulf and Elincia taking on that many bandits and walking away with only a scratch.

Duh. But there's only like one guy on a horse here. Also, Ranulf and Elincia are seasoned fighters thanks to the wars they've been in. Bandits...usually are not. And there aren't that many there. Also, PoR makes it pretty clear that one laguz can take out several guys nearly at once. Remember the Gebal Castle chapter? Lethe and Mordecai both take out a whole bunch of guys at the end.

- Also, worst bandits ever. If you've got someone out cold, and want to make sure you're never followed, you slit their throats.

No one said bandits were intelligent either. Some of them in FE games actually seem pretty stupid.

- With all the dead bandits around, is it that difficult for Ike to grab one of their axes?

Not when a live one could easily stab him in the back while he's doing that. Ike would need to take a few moments to pry the weapon out of the dead guy's fingers.

OVERALL:

You describe things well, but it's painfully obvious which way you want the story to go. This isn't always a bad thing, but I'm not a happy reader when the writing forces things to go a certain way (like that entire Elincia debacle in Chapter 1).

I think you just don't like that I've put romance and pairings in this story. As I said, you should stop reading.

No, plot does not need to be rushed, that's something we can all agree on. On the other hand, you do need to actually get it started as early as possible, ideally right after the backstory is finished.

I disagree. Path of Radiance doesn't truly get its plot started until chapter 4 or so when Soren returns with the news that Crimea and Daein went to war. Before that, it's just the mercenaries doing a few jobs for people, which is their everyday lives. Starting a plot too quickly will make it rushed. To properly flesh out characters as well as the plot, you should start the story with bits of their daily lives, like PoR does. For example, Azura shows that she works as a mercenary for a living when she fights the bandits at the end of chapter 1. When Leona and Marc appear, they're just doing their jobs. There's no big war going on yet. Same with Bryan, Skye, and Morris later on (though by this time, it becomes clear that the bandits are after Azura for a reason).

Edited December 1, 2011 by Anacybele

[Nanami Touko]

I'm too biased towards disliking fanfiction, so I'm not going to read it, nor will I comment on it because I haven't read it, but I will say that I think Azura is a rather cliché sounding name, if only because there are so many characters out there that have names that go along with Azure. Not telling you to change it, because I doubt you will, just giving you my opinion :P

[Anacybele]

Really? I've never seen any characters with a name that's the same as or close to Azura. Huh...

[Nanami Touko]

Well, I have, that's why I think it is. Obviously you haven't, so carry on.

[eclipse]

I try to give my thoughts, and you want me to stop reading because I don't like romance?

Very well, but know that Furet is nowhere near as nice as I am.

EDIT: Get thee to the Secret Santa. Perhaps you'll get some inspiration there.

Edited December 1, 2011 by eclipse

[Anacybele]

I try to give my thoughts, and you want me to stop reading because I don't like romance?

Your thoughts looked basically like "Waah, I don't like romance and pairings, so I don't like this!" to me. Sorry if I'm wrong. But also, I didn't say I WANTED you to stop reading, I was only recommending it since you're not a romance fan. I wouldn't want someone to read something that's about something they don't like. For example, I'm not a tragedy fan, so I don't like to read that stuff. So I don't. And I understand. Not everyone will like romance either.

EDIT: Get thee to the Secret Santa. Perhaps you'll get some inspiration there.

Perhaps. I get inspiration from lots of things though. My favorite movies, tv shows, etc. In fact, a few ideas I got for one of my short stories on ff.net were inspired by a tv show and movie I really like.

But still, I may check out this Secret Santa. I'd participate myself, but unfortunately, I'm a busy gal. xP

EDIT: Also, for people who do keep reading this story, I will agree that the first few chapters aren't as exciting as the latter ones. Others have said this too. But this only means that the story just gets better and better. And that's a good thing. ;)

BUT, DO NOT read if you fall under one or more of these categories:

- You don't like the IkexElincia pairing

- You don't like pairings/romance in general

- You don't like long chapters (they get rather long later on)

- You don't like really long stories in general

- You don't like seeing a lot of OCs

I shall repeat this in the first post as well.

Edited December 1, 2011 by Anacybele

[eclipse]

I don't like romance, because most of it isn't particularly well-written. It takes an amazing writer to pull it off correctly. I know I'm not that good, so I stay away from it.

[Anacybele]

Well, I'm told I do it pretty well. To be honest, the first few chapters aren't even quite as well written as the later ones because I wrote them a long time ago, and I think the romances I developed between those other pairings turned out better than the IkexElincia one. So yeah, I'm not expecting people to find the first chapter to be godly amazing or anything.

[eclipse]

Perhaps your readers and I expect different things. Perhaps they realized you don't take well to criticism, and didn't bother saying this. I think the bruised feelings will be worth it, if you're willing to improve.

1. I don't think your romance is very good. Being a stalker isn't romantic. It's creepy and traumatic. That's if I choose to ignore how Elincia wound up there in the first place.

2. Twilight sucks, and should never, EVER be used as a template for anything other than a romance parody.

3. No, Kiryn, YOU post that. Even if it fits.

[Inactive Account]

Drat. She's onto me. Can't a guy lurk a topic in peace?

As for commentary I am kind of dubious about this story and may or may not elaborate later.

Edited December 1, 2011 by Kiryn

[Life]

Well, I'm told I do it pretty well.

Whoever told you this wants you to sleep OK at night rather than watch you slice up your wrists in angst.

This is not good. In fact, it's pretty trash. I'm looking at the quality of the writing (forget the subject, I can read a book about incestual love and be OK with it if the writing is decent) and it's really bad. Go back to the drawing board and learn how to write first. If that means writing compare and contrast essays about books you hate, do it. But don't claim that you're a good writer when I can't even classify this as pulp (which I can at least digest).

EDIT: When I say that I'm OK with incest and stuff, I mean it. Three books come to mind. Mercy Among The Children (David Adams Richards), Middlesex (Jeffrey Eugenides) and Fall On Your Knees (Marie Ann MacDonald). Forget the subject, your actual prose is horrible.

Edited December 1, 2011 by Bblader

[Anacybele]

Perhaps your readers and I expect different things. Perhaps they realized you don't take well to criticism, and didn't bother saying this. I think the bruised feelings will be worth it, if you're willing to improve.

Actually, I do take criticism. It's just that I don't feel anyone has given me any constructive critique yet.

1. I don't think your romance is very good. Being a stalker isn't romantic. It's creepy and traumatic. That's if I choose to ignore how Elincia wound up there in the first place.

2. Twilight sucks, and should never, EVER be used as a template for anything other than a romance parody.

3. No, Kiryn, YOU post that. Even if it fits.

Alright, accusing me of using Twilight for inspiration is going too far. I've never read a single book or seen a single movie from that series. Everyone says they suck. So how can I possibly be using it? The movie I was referring to was National Treasure and even then, that was for a different story all together.

Also, I was never intending to portray Elincia as a stalker here. That would be stupid.

This is not good. In fact, it's pretty trash. I'm looking at the quality of the writing (forget the subject, I can read a book about incestual love and be OK with it if the writing is decent) and it's really bad. Go back to the drawing board and learn how to write first. If that means writing compare and contrast essays about books you hate, do it. But don't claim that you're a good writer when I can't even classify this as pulp (which I can at least digest).

Now you people are just plain getting insulting. Get out of my thread if you can't properly critique my writing without being rude.

[Life]

Now you people are just plain getting insulting. Get out of my thread if you can't properly critique my writing without being rude.

I AM properly critiquing you. I'm telling you that you need to learn how to write properly.

[Anacybele]

No you're not. Saying "your writing is trash, go learn to write properly" is not proper critique. You need to learn how to write criticism.

Also, I get help with my writing from a good friend of mine whom I think is the best writer I've ever met. His work is excellent. So, if you call my writing garbage, you're calling his so too, and his work is popular.

Edited December 1, 2011 by Anacybele

[eclipse]

If you were expecting a pat on the back, I'm sorry. But abandoning your life's duties to be with the one you love, and being able to track his boot prints is pretty far on the stalkerish scale. Think of some guy in your classes who you don't like. Now imagine him saying he can find you like that. How would you feel?

[Nanami Touko]

No you're not. Saying "your writing is trash, go learn to write properly" is not proper critique. You need to learn how to write criticism.

Whenever someone gives you proper critique you brush it off.

Also, I get help with my writing from a good friend of mine whom I think is the best writer I've ever met. His work is excellent. So, if you call my writing garbage, you're calling his so too, and his work is popular.

Twilight is popular, and it's a piece of shit. What's your point?

[Anacybele]

I never said I was expecting a pat on the back. I certainly wasn't expecting to get insulted and accused of using TWILIGHT of all things to write my fiction.

And if it was a random guy, yeah, I wouldn't like it. But if was my boyfriend, if I had one, then no, I wouldn't mind.

Lastly, Ike wasn't the only reason Elincia abdicated the throne. She also felt that she wasn't suited to rule and that Renning would be a better ruler. This becomes clear. And besides, wouldn't you feel sad if you were far away from the one you loved and had just practically been forced to marry someone else?

Whenever someone gives you proper critique you brush it off.

No, I don't. There hasn't been any proper critique in here yet. If you're talking about my sprite thread, I did take some of the critique I got in there. I improved some mugs with exactly the advice I was given.

Twilight is popular, and it's a piece of shit. What's your point?

Yeah, popular with idiot fangirls. My friend's readers actually look like intelligent people. I read the reviews.

Edited December 1, 2011 by Anacybele

[Nanami Touko]

No, I don't. There hasn't been any proper critique in here yet. If you're talking about my sprite thread, I did take some of the critique I got in there. I improved some mugs with exactly the advice I was given.

Then your definition of "proper critique" is skewed. Critique is not meant to be nice. It is meant to help you improve. So if you want everyone to be nicey nice to you, choose a different site. I hear Gaiaonline has a very kiss-ass writing community.

Yeah, popular with idiot fangirls. My friend's readers actually look like intelligent people. I read the reviews.

Intelligence is subjective, as is quality. My point was that popular =/= good. Just because your friend's writing is popular doesn't mean it's good, nor is yours just because your friends say it is.

Edited December 1, 2011 by seph1212

[Anacybele]

Then your definition of "proper critique" is skewed. Critique is not meant to be nice. It is meant to help you improve. So if you want everyone to be nicey nice to you, choose a different site. I hear Gaiaonline has a very kiss-ass writing community.

I never said it was meant to be nicey nice. But it's not meant to insult people and make them feel like failures either. I'll have you know that I scored very high on the writing section of my college entry test and I did better than a lot of my classmates in the writing class I took in college a year back (I left school because I was moving away and felt that I wasn't ready to continue). My professor was impressed with me. I didn't get the best grade I could've gotten at the end of the semester, sure, but even so. You can't tell me I'm a terrible writer.

I'm in no way saying I'm the best writer in the world, but I have plenty of experience. I've been writing since I was in freaking elementary school.

Oh, and for the record, I read the reviews on my friend's writing again just now. They tell him he writes very well, and that he describes things, fleshes out characters, and other stuff excellently.

Edited December 1, 2011 by Anacybele

[Nanami Touko]

You can't tell me I'm a terrible writer.

Watch me

you

are

a

terrible

writer

:3