Pokemon Emerald Abridged

[Smiley Jim]

Hello gang. Due to complications that are beyond my control, the Blazing Sword 100% crit playthrough is on indefinite hiatus. However, to pass the time while I remake my patch as well as start anew, I will conquer Pokemon Emerald in the meantime. Now, I know I have two other playthroughs, but I'll get back to those two when I feel like it. The reason I'm doing this, instead of doing FE5 again, is because this game holds a lot of nostalgic value for me. Anyway, here are the rules of the playthrough, as prescribed by me.

DA RULEZ
- No unnecessary grinding. This is to prevent me from curbstomping the game with overleveled mons.
- No unnecessary save scumming for natures. Unless the nature is really shitty, I keep it. Abilities are fair game as it's 50/50.
- I will be taking notes of various TM's as they are obtained. Like Grandjackal, I generally like to hoard TM's and ultimately never use them. I will be taking note on things that can make use of them.
- I'm on the fence about trading. While I know how to trade using emulators, it's a long and tedious process. YMMV on this one.

Current Team:
Mudkip->Marshtomp->Swampert (Raven)
Ralts->Kirlia>Gardevior (Bridget)
Aron->Lairon->Aggron (Dudebro)

Numel->Camerupt (Sakazuki)

[spoiler=Chapter List]
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

POKEMON EMERALD IS A GO!

Edited December 5, 2013 by General James

[BBM]

Needs more Treecko.

Well, I wish you luck!

[Raven]

I said it in the chat room and I'll say it again here:

You need to capture an Aron and use it. An Aggron in the team would improve the team's awesomeness levels threefold.

Edited June 25, 2012 by Raven

[Ansem]

Swellow sucks

[Nova]

Weren't the complaints about the team predictable?

To join the fun myself: Catch a Wurmple! It so does not suck!

[MacLovin]

One more!

Ralts->Kirlia->Gardevoir!

Preferably Female

[Smiley Jim]

Prologue: The Dawn of JAMES

[spoiler=DISCLAIMER]This playthrough will use screenshots I took from the game itself, because I'm not that good at making videos. However, I am game for boss videos. I do not have a mic though, so you will have to make due with Microsoft Sam or an AMV style video.

Ok, I started up the game and am greeted with Professor Bitch, who tells me about how 'wonderful' Pokemon are, and I then enter my gender and name.

The name's James D. Android. Don't you asshats forget it.

As soon as that was done, I get sent down to the 'wonderful' world of Hoenn.

Mah Trainer ID.

Anyway, I get out of the moving van, and this exchange happens.

[spoiler=Part 1]

Isn't that a little dangerous? I mean I could've gotten crushed by all the furniture!

Nice place. I always wanted to live in the boonies.

How convenient. At least I don't have to work my ass off like a fucking asshole.

Anyway, I set the alarm clock to whatever(it doesn't really matter since clock based events don't work on this ROM.) and grab my free potion.

It's Ok. At least it has a Windows computer and a Nintendo GameCube. I guess I'm happy.

Cool. When is my Nintendo Wii showing up? Or better yet, my Wii U?

They do this in every game, I swear. Except for Gen IV and V.

I then go down and get called by Mam to watch the telly, and by sheer coincidence, Pap is on.

Hey look ma, Pap is on the telly screen!

Oh wait, never mind.

After that shit's done, I get told of my new neighbor, the Bitches. I then go off to their house, then this exchange happens.

[spoiler=Part 2]

Come at me bro!

By same age, you mean there's like a 6 year difference between us. Because I'm 20.

Is 14 legal in this region? I'm asking this because I don't want to go to jail for statutory rape.

You didn't answer my fucking question!

Ok, I decided to go upstairs, and grab the Pokeball, when all of a sudden... May stalks me like a ninja!

Hello, Miss May. My name is James, and I wish to- oh wait, that's SO not the right way to introduce myself.

Does this have to do with a relationship, because I am pretty lonely.

Did Dark Sage and Integrity say anything about me? Because if they did, it's probably negative. Like all the shit they spewed in my FE6 playthrough.

Wow. What a stud, James. What. A. Fucking. Stud.

Isn't it great that Prof. Bitch has his own little helper?

Anyway, I leave the house, and go outside to see Professor Bitch on Route 101.

[spoiler=Part 3]

I have no comment.

Oh, you mean Lv2-3 Poochyena, Zigzagoon, and Wurmple? 'They are SOOO scary!'

That's our classic P.I.D. alarm! Professor in distress! Captain James D. Android to the rescue!

DO YOU HONESTLY NEED HELP WITH A LV2 ZIGZAGOON?! Go fuck youself!

Anyway, your first battle, or should I say, my first battle. Anyway, choose your starter, and get your ass moving.

I liek Mudkipz. BBM lieks Treeckoz. And some other dude lieks Torchicz.

By the way, I'll get to each starter:

Treecko: A fairly fast grass lizard with good attacking stats, but is very glass cannony. It does not help that grass sucks as a defensive(and offensive)type. Plus he does not learn good moves through level up, other than Lv29 Leaf Blade.

Torchic: A fire chicken that evolves into a Fire/Fighting cockfighting chicken. Like Treecko, he is a total glass cannon and he is also generally unhelpful in the later stages when things start using water moves.

Mudkip: A mudskipper that gains ground typing on evolution, which makes him able to stand up to basically all the gym leaders, including Watson. Unlike the other two, Mudkip's line is a total mighty glacier.

lol. Anyway, this is a pretty easy battle. You will pretty much kill this Zigzagoon in 3 hits regardless of starter while he does absolute crap to you. There is NO reason why you should lose, except that's a lie; if you get to too low an HP level, the Zigzagoon will flee.

Uh, you're welcome...

What the hell are you talking about? This is a great place to chat! I mean, it's not raining Skitties and Poochyenas outside, right?

[spoiler=Part 4]Ok, after the battle, I get taken to the good Professor's lab, where I get to name my starter as I see fit.

Oh come on! It was a Lv2 Zigzagoon! That's not much of an accomplishment!

"REALLY? HONEST AND TRULY?"

Thanks for the tip. I'm going to leave now.

Anyway, mah starter, Raven the Mudkip!

Nature's pretty good. At least it's not Timid or something shitty like that.

Edited October 23, 2012 by James the Hero

[General Horace]

Maybe in the future use spoiler tags for all the pictures, if you have multiple posts on a single page, it can get kinda annoying to try to find the next post.

[Venusaur]

Actually, you didn't get a PC Potion in Gen II, I'm pretty sure you did in Gen IV (not HG/SS, though)

[Smiley Jim]

Sorry that I wasn't updating for the last few days or so. I really wanted to update. I really did. However, due to my Internet being down, I haven't been able to update lately. Hopefully, I will update this weekend, Wednesday at the latest. But not now, as I am very tired at the time of this post. Sorry for the inconvenience earlier.

Have a nice day.

[Raven]

It's all good. I'm a Mudkip, which is relatively awesome.

You did name him after me, amirite?

[Smiley Jim]

It's all good. I'm a Mudkip, which is relatively awesome.

You did name him after me, amirite?

Yes, I did name it after you, since you were the one who requested it, not Lord Raven.

Have a nice day.

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 1: The First Battle

[spoiler=DISCLAIMER]I AM BACK, BABY!

[spoiler=Route 101]

Anyway, I head on over to Route 101, where I battle a few pogeys and level up.

No shit, right?

Zigzagoon: His combat isn't too impressive other than early Headbutt, the first two gyms aren't kind to him, and his stats blow later on aside from Speed. At least Pickup is a useful ability; too bad it was nerfed in this game. In Ruby/Sapphire, you could get goodies like Ultra Balls, Rare Candies, and Nuggets early on.

Poochyena: He is fairly impressive at the start of this game and evolves early, but his usefulness fades later on as his stats are god awful, and really can't compete with your other, hopefully stronger dudes.

Wurmple: Obvious earlygame bug is obvious. Wurmple can evolve into either Beautifly or Dustox depending on a random value. Don't ask me on this value, they both suck ass anyway. Good for Brawly, but that's it.

My first LEVEL UP!

Mud-Slap get! It honestly isn't good. 20 base power? lol.

[spoiler=Oldale Town]

Another small-time town to get the trainer used to towns.

This is a Pokemon Center. Use it to heal your Pokemon. It's free, so you can pop by anytime.

Oh, I probably couldn't already tell because your overworld sprite is that of a shopkeeper.

Anyway, this is a PokeMart. This blue building sells most essential supplies, including Pokeballs, Potions, and Repels.

Potion get!

Yeah, because I do not exactly like backtracking to a Pokemon Center during long trips.

Ok, let's go and see what we can buy right now.

BTW, this shoppe doesn't sell Pokeballs until you have a Pokedex. And unfortunately, it doesn't sell condoms.

Leaving the shoppe because it is full of eediots.

Uh, tell me something I don't know.

You cannot go this way because this asshole is sketching footprints.

[spoiler=Route 103]

Wingull: He's a decent catch early on since Water type offense is admittedly scarce early on if you don't liek Mudkipz, and the flying type cushions his grass weakness as well as making him a good option against Brawly. However, Pelliper's stats really don't cut it later on.

I just realized that I forgot to heal, but here's Raven's second levelup.

LEVEL UPPP!

Anyway, let's talk to May.

All you will find here are seagulls, baby hyenas, and raccoons.

Oh, hi there, May!

That... wasn't what I was here for.

Oh cool. Yeah, let's have a quickie and report back to Bitch afterwards. (Note: this isn't the quickie that I was hoping for)

Let's party.

Boss: Pokemon Trainer Haruka(May)

Pokemon: Starter Lv5

Difficulty: 1/10

Money Obtained: $300

Anyway, this battle isn't too hard. All she has is a Lv5 starter, while yours should typically be around Lv7-8. Since she doesn't have a STAB move, you will win pretty handily. Also remember that you have two potions if you've been following this LP, not that you'll need them here.

Note: If you are playing as a girl, you will fight Brendan.

LEVEL UP!

After the battle...

Because Professor Bitch finally found a suitor worthy of marrying his daughter later on in life.

No shit! Me and Raven just met! Though we don't talk much on SF.

I'm more into women, thank you. I'm just like my good friend Sanji.

After I healed Raven, I headed on back to Littleroot Town.

[spoiler=Littleroot Town]

Yeah. I utterly NAILED her!

If by a long time, you mean just when I started my journey, then yes.

Does she have an extensive sex life as well?

Gimme.

I have to hear this shit every single time I get a Pokedex. Seriously, Bitch. Fuck off already.

Does she also show you any new boyfriends that she has made?

And I'm also going to become the Pirate King world's greatest Pokemon Master.

Is it going to be a BJ? I've always wanted one of those!

Ok, I was expecting oral, but I get BALLS instead?! Granted this game was made for kids, but damn.

Because the ones in this area are crap. I know.

I leave this place, and go to get my running shoes...

... yes, mother. I introduced myself to Professor Bitch.

He also said I could bang his daughter someday, too!

Uh, could you also get me a straw hat? I mean, Luffy has one, and I want to look like him. Plus we are both on a journey to the Grand Line Pokemon League.

Sounds about right.

I then go back and heal up my dudes and save for the next exciting installment.

Edited October 23, 2012 by James the Hero

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 2: Onward to Petalburg

[spoiler=Route 102]

Final-fucking-ly! You are done. May I pass now?

What a retard.

Uh, you may need to venture off a little further since this route only contains crap.

Ok, I did not exactly make any screenshots of the capture , but I caught a Ralts. I'd say this is a keeper. I must be the luckiest man in the world to catch one as quickly as I did.

Ralts: This thing royally sucks until it evolves, and even as Kirlia, he still blows. Gardevoir is amazing, though. Trace can be useful, but I'd say that Synchronize is more reliable ingame.

Lotad: He honestly kind of blows early on due to an unacceptable level-up movepool. A stone evolution also hampers any sort of usefulness he might have had since stones show up late.

Oh, by the way, you have to deal with this shit for 2 levels. Also, I hate the nickname I gave it. The instant I make it to Slateport, the instant his name is changed to Bridget.

Come at me, bro!

Calvin's Pokes are pretty weak overall. Just a Lv5 Poochy. But this matchup is kind of shitty. Go, Raven!

BOOM! Headshot! First critical hit of the game!

Moving on now- Like I'm scared of bugs! Honestly, that joke is getting old.

Thought so. Raven, kick their asses! Because Bridget can't.

LEVEL UP!

Yeah, kids aren't exactly tall unless they are part of the Weasley family.

Fought stuff here, Bridget got a level. Also, gotta heal Raven.

Next kid down the line has a Taillow and Zigzagoon. I'll get to Taillow when I feel like it.

Just grabbing some relatively useless berries.

And finally, Tiana comes equipped with another Ziggy and a Shroomish. Note that Bridget is injured because I had a brainfart and didn't switch him out against Rick's Taillow.

Raven's next LEVEL UP!

Water Gun get! Now that's more like it.

Anyway, here's another potion.

[spoiler=Petalburg City]

Does he have any relation to Wally Bear or the No! Gang?

What's wrong with this town? It has all that a growing boy would want!

I honestly do not know what to say about myself.

No shit right? You don't fuck with a man with a fucking SLAKING!

Wait, I remember this asshole. Yeah, the one that forces you to check the gym before he will let you pass.

Do you think I fucking care? Take a hike, asshole.

Yeah, you HAVE to visit the gym before you can go any further. Just like in Pewter City(except that we can't battle here just yet.)

[spoiler=Petalburg Gym]

Yes, I moved in a few days ago. What about it?

Well, I'm not Roronoa Zoro, so it would be easy enough to get here without getting lost.

That's my goal, yes?

"What? Why didn't you get one from Professor Bitch?"

Why couldn't he, like, catch something in Verdanturf? Unless those scary Lv13 or so Pokes are too hot to handle.

Oh come on kid! Just throw a damn ball at it after chipping it down!

I hate babysitting.

Norman, why couldn't you give Wally something like a Zangoose?

Once outside, I have to watch Wally catch something.

I have no comment.

Lucky bastard.

Ok, after his little Zigzagoon weakened it...

Mine, or should I say, Wally's.

Back at the gym...

You stupid bastard! All I did was watch you!

Wally may need tips on how to make his Pokes friendlier. Like NOT using herbs. Those are horribly bitter.

Sounds like fun. I'll get going right away.

Basically, he's saying that you need to be of a much higher level to stand up to him.

Outside the gym:

How about you answer my question first: Who the fuck are you?

What the hell kind of question is that? I wash my clothes once every week!

Sounds about right.

Just you wait! My name's James D. Android and I WILL BECOME THE PIRATE KING GREATEST POKEMON MASTER!

Edited October 25, 2012 by James the Hero

[Jedi]

Enjoying every moment of this James, keep it up! :D

[I don't play for turns]

Why 5 pokemon? Or is there an implied Rayquaza or something?

Edited July 3, 2012 by I don't play for turns

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 3: Petalburg Woods

[spoiler=Route 104]

Protip: You really, really need to weaken things later on, since they aren't submissive like those women on Kink.com.

What's in this house? Oh wait. Nothing. I hope that ghost from Link's Awakening doesn't start following me.

I wonder that too. Too bad I don't have HM08 yet.

You know, I used to run around in the sand as a little boi.

lol Zigzagoon. lol Seedot. Billy is weak.

Bridget's second level up. And finally! An attack! I was getting tired of Bridget being as helpless as Daphne.

Maybe that's why you should wear sandals. Seriously.

Basically, she's telling you that you can't back down a fight once you started.

The last time I checked, Magikarp completely and totally blows. Yes, it does!

I could beat this Magikarp while blindfolded.

Is this Briney man in any way related to Monkey D. Garp?

Taillow: The game's token Normal/Flying mon. While not as good as Starly of Gen IV fame, Taillow is serviceable enough to use throughout most of the game. Guts+Facade is pretty good offense, and it is VERY fast as Swellow.

This rich girl has a Zigzagoon and a lot of money for this stage in the game. Also, Bridget shows how god awfully weak he is, since he's on 4HP at the end of the fight.

[spoiler=Petalburg Woods]

This is required for training Mons that have no damaging moves at base, like Magikarp or Ralts early on.

Yeah, a bunch of weak-ass SHIT!

Lyle's team is a joke. Seriously, a Lv5 starter could sweep this guy.

Decent level up. Don't really have any complaints.

Shroomish: I'm going to be quite honest; Shroomish sucks before evolution. It's somewhat bulky, but can't deal much damage. It's still useful against Roxanne since Grass is SE against Rock, and early Stun Spore is pretty cute. Breloom is worth it, though.

Slakoth: This thing sucks even harder than Shroomish because of Truant. While Slaking has some of the best stats in the game(only Rayquaza has higher in this generation), Truant is enough of a turnoff to not use him.

[spoiler=Team Aqua]

Yeah, I saw a Shroomish a while back. Why?

Well, I'm sorry if you had to waste energy here. It's really not my problem. And those papers are not yours.

Uh, why am I the human shield? Isn't that your job?

Do I honestly look like I'm scared of a wimp like yourself?

Anyway. His team is somewhat higher leveled than what you're used to seeing. Poochyena still sucks ass, though. Just use your starter or anything that isn't like Ralts(can't hit), or Wurmple(sucks ass).

Yay! Level Up!

Maybe you shouldn't have made an enemy out of James D. Android, the future Pirate King Pokemon Master. Now fuck off before I lay the pimp smack on your ass!

Now, I don't want anything more to do with you. You are getting in the way. Leave now.

And my reward: Balls!

If you said that in Smogon University, you would get mocked by the community. You have no idea on how terrible most Bug types are. Check the Smogon tier lists. I guarantee you that the only bugs you will find in Gen V OU are Scizor and Volcarona.

Thought so.

Anyway, picked up an Ether, then left.

[spoiler=Route 104]

I hear you. I eat Spitz on a regular base.

Anyway, your first TM, Bullet Seed. I'm going to be QUITE honest here, it is an awful attack in this generation. 10 base power and a max of 5 hits means that you are only going to get up to 50 power with this move, but most of the time it will only hit twice. Only good earlygame or if a better grass move is unavailable.

Best Mons: Treecko, Shroomish, Oddish

Oh yeah. TMs are one-use only, which is gay. Thank fucking god they changed that in B/W. I'm going to see if I can duplicate TMs by trading with a duplicate save file.

While I was grabbing something behind the flower shoppe, Raven leveled up.

Checking the flower shoppe; since I have nothing better to do.

I'm not exactly a green thumb(I generally cut trees, grass, and break other people's pottery), but thanks for the bucket.

Wailmer pail get!

You know, I'm a bit of a sweet-tooth myself. Do you know the closest place where I can get Reese Cups?

Outside...

This lass has grass types. Perfect targets for Torchic users, not so much for Mudkip users. Such is life.

More cases of Bridget getting his ass kicked.

Bridget: Decent.

This rich boy is identical to the lady we just saw a while ago. Beat up as you see fit.

Ok, in order to get this item, you need Cut. Unfortunately, I have none of the following: The HM itself, a Pokemon that can use Cut, and the badge needed to actually USE Cut out of battle.

The first double battle of the game. In Ruby/Sapphire, you could actually skip these two. Not in this game. You have to fight these two

Anyway, the secret to success in a double battle is to have both of your active guys gang up on one guy so that you don't end up taking a lot of unnecessary damage.

Running out of PP... I wish Ralts had some more attacks because this is retarded.

I don't recall someone who has a bunch of Magikarp ever being called an expert, because that's worse than any lie Usopp has ever came up with.

Yeah. I thought so.

The lesson here, kids: Quality>Quantity.

While I did say that I'm omitting berries for the most part; just wanted to mention Leppa Berries. They are far more commonplace than Ethers are and can be easily replenished.

And that's a wrap.

Edited October 26, 2012 by James the Hero

[Raven]

Kinks.com? Now I know where you go in your spare time.

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 4: Rustboro City

[spoiler=City Proper]

Ok, there is much to do since Rustboro is the first big city I have come across, so I am going to cover the city starting from the south and work my way north.

Some kids explaining how evolution works.

The last time I checked, naming a Pikachu 'Pekachu' is not original. All you did was change one fucking letter.

Pretty much this. I generally put a LOT more creativity into my names.

This guy is explaining a mechanic introduced in Emerald; you can engage in a double battle with two individual trainers(that is, against two trainers that aren't twins or young couples)

Well, if honor rolling this place netted Roxanne a Shichibukai gym leader position, who knows? Let's check it out.

[spoiler=Trainer's School]

There you are, asshole!

Yeah, you told me that I was just a runt and ran off.

Much better. The name is James D. Android.

Wait... if you are looking for tough trainers, you should meet Dondon. He's practically the best trainer on SF.

And what if I am?

To be perfectly honest, you can actually get by the story mode without getting Cut or teaching it to somebody.

Let's see what the kids have to say.

Basically, he's saying that having a Pokemon hold something like a potion will have no effect.

This lass is explaining how confusion works. Basically, it serves to create hax. Switching out will negate the effects.

If your Quick Claw allows people to hustle, may I have one? I could use it

Anyway, the Quick Claw is a held item that will randomly allow a Pokemon to attack first regardless of speed(it does not ignore attack priority). It's useful for slower Pokemon, but the proc rate isn't very impressive.

And along with that, I will also take note of any held items I get.

This screen tells you about all the MAJOR status conditions that are in the game. You probably know this already, but here goes:

Sleep: Makes Pokemon inactive for a random number of turns. Counter: Awakening/Chesto Berry

Paralysis: Quarters speed and randomly causes full paralysis. Counter: Parlyz Heal/Cheri Berry

Poison: Drains 1/8 max HP every turn. Also causes 1 HP loss every 4 steps. Counter: Antidote/Pecha Berry

Burn: Halves attack and drains 1/8 max HP every turn. Counter: Burn Heal/Rawst Berry

Freeze: Makes Pokemon inactive. 10% chance of thawing out each turn. Counter: Ice Heal/Aspear Berry

Faint: Pokemon can't battle. If this happens in a Nuzlocke, release. Counter: Revive

Anyway, I head over to the southwestern-most house.

First things first, I got a Premier Ball. It's... basically a regular ball with a fancy name. At least there's no way you'd ever mistake one of THOSE for a Voltorb.

By the way, if you want Premier Balls, go buy 10 Pokeballs. Note that they have to be regular balls.

I'm pretty sure their last name is Stone.

Anyway, next stop is the cutter's house.

You know right I suffer from lower back pain?

Like Scott the Dick, he has a queer eye for strong trainers.

And with that, we get... HM01 Cut!

Cut sucks as a combat move. The initial damage looks amazing(50 BP is admittedly good for earlygame), until you realize that 50 power won't exactly cut it once midgame hits(especially if it lacks STAB; and even amongst Normal moves, Strength is superior.)

Also, a bit of advice on HMs: You can use these suckers over and over again, but they cannot be deleted for another move unless you use the move deleter. This is to prevent players from getting stranded in a place that is only accessible by HMs.

Anyway, moving onto the house just north of Cutman's house and the Pokemon Center.

While this guy doesn't explain it, abilities work by giving another attribute to a Pokemon other than stats and typing. For example, Raven's Torrent skill increases the power of his Water typed moves by 50% when he's at 33.3% HP or less.

Eh, I just eat nothing but Kraft Dinner, ramen noodles, and Pizza Minis.

I don't like kids.

Go check Parenting magazine. That's all I can say since child rearing is... beneath me.

Anyway, this is a sidequest involving a hidden phrase that you need to input to make this girl laugh. The default is PEEKABOO, which does jack shit. It honestly isn't worth it.

Anyway, here's my phrase(well, it was actually Sanji's, but that's for another time). It obviously wouldn't work.

Btw, 'mellorine' is a term used to describe a lactose-free alternative to ice cream. According to Sanji, it has the sweet and delicate taste of a fine woman. Uh, I have no comment.

Ok, in the house just east of the gym, there is a camper who will offer his Seedot for a Ralts. Now, I am NOT trading my current Ralts over, but yeah. If you want an early Seedot, here's where you get it, since Seedot are VERY rare on Route 102.

Seedot: Overall, it's not all that impressive, so to say. Like Lotad, its level up movepool is simply garbage. On top of that, it is reliant on TMs in order to get Grass STAB and requires a stone to fully evolve. Not good.

Ok, one last place to visit before the gym.

Basically, Devon is this game's expy of Silph. The only difference is that Team Aqua/Magma don't commit a full scale assault of Devon's HQ like the Rockets do with Silph's.

Wait, I thought those shoes were made by Nike. Are you by chance affiliated with Nike?

Unfortunately, we are not getting up there until later on.

This guy just explained something that I brought up three paragraphs ago. But yeah. Devon=Hoenn's Silph/Wal-Mart

Hey! A super convenient tunnel to the other side of Hoenn! Too bad it's closed.

[spoiler=Route 115]

Learn to loathe caves, since they mostly contain goddamned Zubat.

You are not getting across this stretch of water until MUCH later in the game.

And that's a wrap.

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 4x: Rustboro Gym

Type Specialty: Rock

Recommended Types: Water, Grass, Fighting

Unrecommended Types: Normal, Fire, Bug, Flying

Advice: Bring a water or grass type, as those will do quadruple damage to the Geodudes you will inevitably fight here. Mudkip and Treecko users should be able to tear this gym a new asshole, while Torchic users will need to grind to Lv16 to stand a chance. That being said, you can catch a Shroomish in Petalburg Woods or a Wingull on Route 104 if you started with Torchic and can't be assed to evolve it.

See kids? Do well in school and you can become a gym leader like Roxanne.

Anyway, this chap is named Clyde.

And what if I do?

Well, it's a done deal!

I'm probably not going to need your advice, having played this game for like the tenth time.

Protip: Use water to wet rocks. Actually, Rock has a lot of exploitable weaknesses.

Uh, you suck ass.

The first of many Geodude in this joint.

Not great, but not bad either.

Anyway, this youngster and the hiker next to him have 2 Lv8 Geodude. So I'm not going to bother making 4 screenies since it's not needed.

The first level sucked, the second sucked a bit less.

[spoiler=Speech vs Roxanne]

Hello, my name is James D. Android. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

Of course. This is your final test, to see if you are worthy of that position.

You use Rock types, so I counter with Water.

Boss: Roxanne

Pokemon: Geodude Lv12, Geodude Lv12, Nosepass Lv15

Difficulty: 3/10

Money Obtained: $1500

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWlbDo-cJYg

I'm not going to put any pics of the fight as you can watch the video to see. Stuff that happened:

Level Up. lol.

Bide is just awful. While the output sounds nice(it's basically Counter/Mirror Coat but drawn over two turns), the input is disgusting. You are inactive for two turns while the enemy sets up on your face. So don't.

Something that happened during a test run of this gym.

And FINALLY! EVOLUTION TIME!

What is this? My Mudkip just evolved? Yes it did! No longer is Raven a mere Mudkip, he is now a MARSHTOMP!

Finally! A quality ground attack!

Stone Badge get!

The whole point of badges is that the more you have, the more HMs you can use as well as the higher level you can have a traded Pokemon before they disobey you.

And here's your first Gym TM.

Rock Tomb is a serviceable rock type move that does good damage for this point in the game, as well as instantly lowering speed. It does, however, lose its muster later on. It is, however, the only rock type move you can teach to someone before the BF other than the horrible Rollout.

Her explaining shit I've already told you.

Maybe I should go after Brawly's B15,000,000 bounty badge, then.

Clyde after the battle:

It honestly didn't do a damn thing.

If that didn't happen, you're in trouble.

You mean Pirate King?

Yes. Yes it does.

Edited July 10, 2012 by Mercenary James

[Raven]

And thus, Raven tears Roxas a new hole of your choice.

You're gonna catch an Aron? Those things are a9zing.

[Smiley Jim]

And thus, Raven tears Roxas a new hole of your choice.

You're gonna catch an Aron? Those things are a9zing.

Why yes, I will catch an Aron. Haven't thought of a name yet.

[Konnor97]

May I propose Jonathan?

Edited July 12, 2012 by Konnor97

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 5: Rusturf Tunnel

[spoiler=Rustboro]

Wait, what? I wasn't poking in anyone's business!

Where's that daft cunt running off to?

So that dude was running off with drugs?

And if I am? It could've easily been my homie counterpart, Ace D. Cyborg.

If you can't keep your drugs safe, well that's too fucking bad.

Thanks for the tip. Now beat it, motherfucker.

[spoiler=Route 116 part 1]

[spoiler=Some new Pokemon]

Whismur: This thing has a wide movepool and has ok attacking stats, but it does have a rather poor start and takes until lv40 to fully evolve. A decent enough choice.

Abra: He starts off rather helpless since the only move he has is Teleport(kind of like Ralts, except that he has to deal with his helplessness for 9 levels as opposed to 2.) If you bother to level grind him, Kadabra is generally speaking a better Kirlia, and Alakazam is pretty much god incarnate(or he was, back in gens I and II)

Skitty: Are you fucking joking? There aren't words to describe how god awful Skitty is. On top of being super rare, none of Delcatty's stats are any higher than 70. Oh, and stone evolution sucks ass. Avoid at all costs.

Nincada: Just like with most bugs not named Scizor, Pinsir, or Heracross, its stats suck. Ninjask is very fast, but he can't take a hit to save himself, and Shedinja is even worse. I'll get to Shedinja when the time comes.

Uh no. They do not. Wait... aren't you the kid with the top percentage Ratatta? Joey, wasn't it?

Well, this is a new face. I'll get to Machop once I'm able to catch one.

BAND-AIDS HEAL EVERYTHING!

I've heard this line before. He's obviously lying.

Pretty much the highlight of a bug kid's team.

Leveled up and learned a very banned move in competitive play.

Anyway, after the fight, I went back, healed Bridget, and bought 9 potions. Back on Route 116...

Caught this guy because I need something that can Cut. Probably could've done better with like a Zigzagoon, but whatever.

Were you raised by those over-demanding Chinese parents? Because I sure wasn't.

Anyway, nothing to look at.

Some people telling me about how this tunnel leads to a dead fucking end.

Your first 2-on-1 double battle if you ventured on Route 116 first. Not all that exciting a lineup. The youngster also has a Lotad.

He's about to rock me... like a hurricane!

Anyway, two Geodude. Nothing to be really proud of.

8 more levels, and he will officially not suck... as much.

First Confusion hax of the game.

[spoiler=Route 116 part 2]

Anyway, I'm done there, so I teach Nincada Cut and cut down the tree.

Nothing to see here. Pretty much.

You either only accepted challenges from weak people or you're fucking lying.

Yeah no.

I'm already bored of this crap already.

Anyway, moving on...

Firstly, why were you in that cave in the first place?

The last time I checked, Whismur don't give a rat's ass about loud noise since they're deaf.

Maybe they can feel vibrations like graboids can?

Well, Team Rocket/Aqua/Magma/Galactic/Plasma peons are idiots.

I was about to enter the cave, when I meet this old fucker:

First off, who the fuck are you?

Why are you making such a big deal about a fucking bird?

I'll get to what this indent does after I beat Watson.

There's a reason it's blocked. So you can't just skip Dewford and immediately go to Mauville.

[spoiler=Rusturf Tunnel]

Leveled Bridget on one of the many, many Whismur in this cave.

ARE YOU THREATENING ME?

I then decided to waddle closer...

Of course it is worthless! What do you expect, dumbass?

You don't have Rock Smash either? Me and you are in the exact same spot, mate.

Bring it on, bitch!

Anyway, he has a Lv11 Poochyena. Nobody here cares.

Lv 17 get.

Too bad you're in a kid's game. I'm pretty sure most crooks could ROFLstomp a kid IRL.(Note: To all aspiring child heroes: going after criminals is a VERY shitty use of your life. And there are no dragon balls to revive you if you do die. So don't.)

Gimme.

Like I said, I couldn't give a rat's cheesy ballsack about your fucking bird.

Mind if I call you Garp?

Take me to Dewford.

Oh, you mean that empty cottage that I thought housed the Ghost from Link's Awakening?

This is as far as you will go without Rock Smash.

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 6: The PokeNavi

[spoiler=Rustboro]

Take your drugs and fuck off.

All I get for my troubles are BALLS?! This guy seriously needs to be teabagged.

Am I finally gonna get laid?

[spoiler=Devon Corp]

Nice place.

Yeah, the don would've been pissed if that goon took off with his cocaine.

What would a shipyard want cocaine for, anyway?

Yeah. I heard that your drug lord likes to give Colombian Neckties to people who lose their dope.

Is this one of those places where you have to wait like three hours like in the Medicenter?

Five hours later...

Final-fucking-ly.

At Pablo Escobar Mr. Stone's desk.

You mean head of the Medellin Devon Drug Cartel?

All in a day's work.

Yeah. 100 kg of cocaine powder. Why?

I don't know who this Steven is, but it sounds just like Lance.

Now I'm getting somewhere.

Oh, what the fuck does this thing do?

Oh, it's basically a map and compass. 'Wonderful'.

There's treachery afoot.

Thanks for the free healing.

After the meeting...

Pokemon-based ideas that don't work.

We'll be getting to this guy later.

[spoiler=Rustboro]

What is it? Is it a YouTube app like I asked for?

Yes. Give me that YouTube app.

You gave me a PHONE? Is that all you assholes could come up with?

That's super useful.

Calling the drug lord because it's required to progress any further.

Uh, ok. Why did you give me a phone, when I asked for a YouTube app?

May as well, since that's how you rematch those peons from earlier..

Ok, now that's creepy.

[spoiler=May]

Cool, huh? Though I wanted a YT app.

Well, at least I can call you if I want a quickie.

Oh, you saw Garp. Yeah, he was paranoid about a fucking Wingull.

I don't give a rat's fuck about the Pokedex.

Brave words coming from a complete noob like you, May-chan.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7PYIsIHliQ

Boss: May

Pokemon:

Lotad Lv13, Torchic Lv15 (Treecko)

Torkoal Lv13, Mudkip Lv15 (Torchic)

Wingull Lv13, Treecko Lv15(Mudkip)

Difficulty: 3/10

Money Obtained: $900

Basically, carry something that can kill the starter(Taillow/Wingull for Treecko, Wingull/Marill for Torchic, Shroomish/Seedot for Mudkip). You shouldn't have any difficulty. The reason why I spammed DT here was because Treecko would assrape me otherwise.

Uh, I heard something else as well. Garp was once a vice admiral in the Marines.

[spoiler=On the way back]

I liek schoolgirls so I'll add you to my PokeNavi bookmarks.

You sound like a cool guy, being a future super nerd and all. Registered.

Yes. Yes you should.

Perfect.

Now, this has absolutely nothing to do with registering peeps into the PokeNavi's match call, but here's the item that was inaccessible earlier(it's an X accuracy).

Yeah, I got it for free by the man who owns the company who made it.

Yeah, I wanna be rich too. May our friendship be long and prosper.

Hey wimp. I may wanna battle again. Here.

Now that that's done, let's explore the eastern part of this wood.

Miracle seed get. I also found a great ball and an x attack, not that they will be useful at the moment.

This game, as well as other Pokemon games, feature hidden items that you need to dig up. Usually, the location of a hidden item is fairly obvious, such as in an isolated rock.

This isn't Orre, so you don't get a snag machine for snagging other trainers' Pokemon. Sucks to be you.

Hello, my lady. And just take a look what I just got from the Devon Corp President!

Tabbed because you can make me rich later.

Also, new Pokemon, even though I should've run into one a long time ago;

Marill: This thing has massive attack thanks to Huge Power, but it has an awful physical movepool and no proper STAB. Avoid.

I hate backtracking, but I'll add you just for the sake of completion.

Edited July 15, 2012 by Mercenary James