blah the Prussian

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, here are chapters 7-8, including Paralogue 1 -So, okay, I can understand a lowly maid like Felicia being able to sneak out, but the Princess and three soldiers? Really? Big Brother Garon is not. -I will say, though, that this chapter is the first I really, really liked, because I had actual units to work with instead of like 3 guys. -On the other hand, some variety in the Faceless would be nice. The Risen were just zombie normal units; the Faceless are all the same and it gets a bit monotonous. --I thought Iago was supposed to be some kind of evil genius, but here he is, directly defying Garon? That's a damn big risk to take over a petty feud with Corrin. -This Paralogue comes up at a very weird time. I can just picture it: Corrin looking at the map, and Felicia says "My lord, should we attack the Ice Tribe?" and Corrin is all "No, fuck you, we go to Hoshido because of the Est Archetype!" -Question: did the Devs intend for Effie to be an unstoppable juggernaut of destruction? -Did Mozu's mother have her when she was like 50? This woman is old, and Mozu is prepubescent! What gives? -Also, that's another charge of war crimes against Corrin when The Hague finally get him. -So I get that Mozu is greatfully for being saved, but wouldn't she be kind of terrified of a Prince of Nohr? Or is she really unaware as to who is sending the Faceless? -Also, somehow Garon never discovers that Corrin has a Hoshidan peasant girl in his army. -For that matter, Garon never discovers this little detour into Hoshido, nor does the Hoshidan army. -You know, some backstory for the Ice Tribe would be nice. Sure, we know Garon took away their autonomy, but what was their history with Nohr? -So Flora is actually royalty? -I can understand the Ice Tribe leader not knowing that Corrin is royalty, but Elise? Royalty are celebrities for a reason; they are important political figure, or at least they will be in the future in the case of Elise. That's like Putin not knowing what Sasha Obama looks like, or something. -Nope. Nope. There is no fucking way Elise is that dumb. She's what, 16? I'm 16. Do you old timers actually think we're this dumb? -So where was Corrin being helped? In the cutscene, he's inside, but the chapter starts outside. -The Ice Tribe soldiers wait outside the villages before going in... why, exactly? -Corrin makes a promise he can't possibly keep to the Ice Tribe leader, and the Ice Tribe leader is dumb enough to go along with it. Seriously, what will Corrin do if Garon says "not good enough" and makes him go back and do it again, or worse, kills him and sends someone like Iago? So that's all for now. The game is picking up in terms of difficulty, and the story, despite my nitpicking, isn't that bad for now. Going to Hoshido for the Paralogue was stupid, though.

Well, yeah, make Garon less of a dick too. Less one dimensional villains pretty much go without saying.

I don't know, you can be a merciful conquerer. Very few actual conquerer killed defenseless POWs for sport.

Well, I'm not disappointed in the game. I also knew the story was bad, just not the details. The actual gameplay, which is how games should be judged TBH, is fantastic.

I almost actually hoped Conquest would have you actually be a conquerer, and unashamed of it. It looks like that wont happen, now.

Alright, alright, real update. Chapter 4 Big Trouble in Equally Big China China ended WWII essentially devastated. The Chinese had been comprehensively defeated, their population had been devastated by Wang’s conscription of them in the last days of the war, and, finally, China was divided. Worst of all, the Qing Imperial Family had been completely wiped out by Wang, leaving a power vacuum. Although Japan and India would jointly occupy China for a few years, by 1950 it was clear that the occupation was unsustainable, and both parties withdrew. Meanwhile, Manchuria, Mongolia, and Sinkiang had been annexed by the Russian Empire. For China, the Warlord Era had begun. Before getting into the war itself, the factions that fought the war are worth examining. Firstly, there was the Second Ming Dynasty, centered around Nanjing. When the Japanese had defeated the Wang regime, they had dragged up some sheltered aristocrat who was apparently descended from the Ming Dynasty named Zhu Rongji, and crowned him Emperor. Zhu was in practice dominated completely by General Chiang Kai Shek, who was one of the few generals of the Sinocentric regime to switch sides. The Second Ming Dynasty was deeply unpopular, and only controlled all of China in practice for about a day. Whatever the case, it was the shortest lived dynasty in Chinese history. In the mountains of Southwestern China, meanwhile, were holdouts of the Wang regime who were still loyal to Chinese Fascism. They were a relatively minor faction, but their official revolt against the Second Ming was what would start the Warlord Era in the first place, so I am obligated to mention them. Moving on. Speaking of warlords, they were essentially leaders of men, be they former generals, crime bosses, or bandits, who found themselves with the most guns in a given area, and then took over that area. Some of them genuinely aspired to rule all of China, while some just wanted money, but the significant ones were the Guangxi Clique in the south, the Shaanxi Clique in the north, and the Ma Clique in the west. The Guangxi and the Shaanxi were both Republican in nature, but neither of them could agree on who was MORE Republican. The Ma wanted an independent Islamic Chinese state. And now we get to the main event. The I Kuan Tao. Zhang Zhulang. The unwanted fourth Abrahamic religion. Zhang Zhulang was (hopefully)the kast prophet in history. He claimed one day in 1945 that Jesus, Moses, and Mohammed had come to him one day in a dream and told him that none of their faiths were the answer, and that the time was now to bring the light of Heaven to China. Zhang woke up the next day and launched into a fiery speech declaring that the Lord was punishing China with their hardships because they had lost the way. For millennia, they had worshipped heathen Emperors. Now, he, Zhang Zhulang, would bring the light of the Lord to them. In virtually any other country, Zhang would have been dismissed as crazy. However, his rhetoric appealed greatly to the group in China that had always gotten the short end of the stick: the peasants. Zhang told them that their troubles were the cause of the immorality of their masters, and that to strike their masters down was their heavenly duty, and that everyone who helped him in his holy mission to conquer the world would surely go to heaven. Uniquely among the Abrahamic religions, and China, the I Kuan Tao faith did not discriminate against women. This gave Zhang an edge over his opponents, having, essentially, twice the (wo)manpower. By 1950, the I Kuan Tao was still relegated to the underground, but it was beginning to get more and more popular. When Guanxi forces essentially crushed the Fascists in 1952, those Fascists mostly converted to the I Kuan Tao. Zhang was growing in power and influence by the day. So why didn't anyone stop Zhang before it was too late? Well, they were all fighting each other. Nanjing was devastated in a three way battle between the Ming, the Shaanxi, and the Guangxi in 1954, and the Ma had fallen into anarchy as more and more Chinese Muslims converted to the I Kuan Tao. Still, though, only 40% of Chinese subscribed to the faith. However, they were the ones with the guns. In the middle of the Battle of Nanjing, Zhang gave the order. The Night of Fire had begun. Maybe the Emperor and the Warlords should have payed closer attention to their people. If they had, they would have noticed where all their deserters were going. They would have noticed armed bands readying for the day of reckoning. The problem is, though, that they didn’t, so when, at Zhang’s command, all the peoples of China rose up at once, well, it caught them off guard. When their soldiers refused to fight the I Kuan Tao, they must have known they were, in a word, fucked. We can’t know for sure because the Emperor, his family, and the warlords were all dead when the Night of Fire ended. Another thing: Zhang Zhulang was the new leader of China. Styling himself the “Great Teacher”, Zhang began to bring his faith to the rest of China. His first act was to order the peasants to leave their fields, and hunt down the heretics. The famous British comedy sketch “No one expects the Chinese Inquisition!” parodies the events, but it is actually quite true to life: armed bands of fanatics roaming around the countryside, slaughtering anyone they felt like. Most dictators embrace order. Zhang Zhulang embraced anarchy. And his rule had just begun.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, welcome to the continent of Nadeyatsya. I am here to tell you a story of conquerers, of heroes, of villains, of (possibly) love, and, above all, of war. "Will there be dragons?" Get the fuck out. Anyway, I suppose some background is needed, is it not? Very well, then. It all started when the Emperor of the Empire of Sjeavaria, Waldemar III, died. Now, normally, this wouldn't be a problem, but, you see, his only heir was his 1 year old daughter, Augusta. His wife, Empress regent Sybilla, tried her hardest to hold the Empire together, but, unfortunately, the nobility were completely unwilling to support a woman for the throne, and an infant at that! Add vulturous neighbors in the form of Fiore, renowned for its magic wielding nobility, Turania, with its infamous Wyvern cavalry and Jannissary units, and Rhomaia, with its huge peasant levies, all of which supported the nobles, and, when the dust settled, Sjeavaria was only 1/4th of its former size. And so, Augusta was raised into a conquerer by her mother, determined that, one day, she would reunite her Empire. After that, the time will come to retake the land stolen from her Empire by Fiore, Turania, and Rhomaia. That is not to say the other nations did not have problems. Fiore, for example, was plagued by a decadent nobility and a powerless King. Revolution, ultimately, was inevitable. That Revolution would come in the form of a young army officer named Lucien Petit, a visionary. You see, Lucien has been incorporating a little known technology called gunpowder into his armies. With his cannons and muskets, Lucien may be able to finally defeat the mage aristocracy oppressing his countrymen. After that, who knows? With this revolutionary new weapon, why, he could conquer the world! Meanwhile, distant Turania, a nation that worships a different god from the other nations, has been ruled by her Jannissary corps as a de facto military dictatorship for centuries. However, they have grown complacent. They have forgotten that they can only rule the Empire through a puppet Badshah if that Badshah is willing to be a puppet. And the young Badshah Iskander is most certainly not a puppet. He escapes from his gilded cage in the middle of the night, determined to take back his Empire, with the help of the long disempowered Wyvern Riders. And yet, he must also be wary of a revanchinistic northern neighbor, and that Revolutionary Lucien is a clear threat to his hold on power. Augusta may pose a threat as well, but Iskander believes he can reason with her... Speaking of those northern neighbors, lets talk about Rhomaia. You see, Ibrahim's ancestors conquered the holy city of Congrade from the Empire of Rhomaia. Now, Rhomaia's Empress, Eirena, is determined to retake the city. First, though, she must reform her Empire against the wishes of the decrepit Senate, who wish to keep their serfs in bondage. After that, well, she really is keen to defeat that bastard usurper Lucien. And yet, that upstart wench Augusta concerns her too... Four rulers. Augusta. Lucien. Iskander. Eirena. What happens, you ask? Well, that is for you to decide. Who will history favor? Who will go down in history as "The Great?" Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Fire Emblem: ​blah the Prussian wanting his Great Man view of history Empires! Pick a side. Win the war.

Legit biggest criticism of the game so far is simply that the Europeans are the blatant bad guys while the Glorious Yamato are purely good. I know they aren't actually Japanese, but historical revisionism is historically revisionist. The fact that a motivation for Nohr attacking Hoshido that isn't "cuz we're the bad guys" is a worrying sign. Basically every time the Hoshidans are like "The Nohrians are pure evil" I hope desperately that this game will pull a Yggdra Union or Bravely Default.

I was joking about the racism, but I must say, I think the game threw the Middle Ages out the window with gay marriage, women being allowed to fight, women actually having rights, etc. I concede the Faceless point. Yeah, I suppose so. I guess I was reacting to Takumi basically being the token dick, and everyone else being perfectly nice. It felt a bit unrealistic.

Oh, Takumi can be pissed all he want after Mikoto's death, it just seems to me that being a dick to MU as soon as he meets him, as well as consistently being a dick to Azura, is well, dickish. Its not that he doesn't immediately love MU, its that he immediately hates MU.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm back, this time with Chapters 4-6! -Okay, first of all, while the Nohr castle was stupidly designed, I actually do like the Hoshido castle design. -Why is Mikoto still Queen, and not Queen Dowager? Ryouma is clearly of age to be King, so given that Sumeragi is dead, she should be Dowager, right? The only country in history that gave the consort preference over the crown prince was Tsarist Russia, at least until... you know what, lets move on. -Mikoto sends her two daughters out, one of whom cannot fight, when she knows that there are a bunch of vicious ogres attacking everything, WITHOUT PROTECTION? -Ryouma, I swear, the next time you kill steal from me, I will cut you! -The Faceless clearly have faces. Add false advertising to Nohr's crimes! -Why don't the Hoshidans counterattack Nohr at any point? Presumably their army would be veterans from fighting the Faceless all the time, so they could at least try. -So why doesn't Corrin know about Azura already? The Nohrian royals are nice people, they would presumably have remembered and missed Azura, and they probably would have told Corrin about it. -If the Hoshidans were able to kidnap Azura so easily, why didn't they try it again? Surely having Elise or Leo too would help them. Then again, I'm not a strategist, so what do I know? -"The Nohrians aren't bringing their best! They're bringing their dancers, their princes! I will build a wall, and make Nohr pay for it!"- Takumi Trump. Was I the only one really annoyed by this character? -While the buildup to the choice is good, it is somewhat mitigated by the fact that you already made that choice when you bought the game. -Drinking game: take a shot every time there's something that Kubayashi wrote that the debs obviously changed. For example: when Corrin is about to mention Elise as his sister, he is cut off. Why? This would be a great point of conflict between Corrin and his siblings, and then immediately followed by the death of Mikoto, it would make the choice a bit more gray, as the Hoshidans are still suspicious of Corrin. -Holy shit, what the hell did Corrin's sword do to the city? We only see it firing like five shots, and its enough to Hiroshify it? -So if Mikoto can do this barrier thing, why can't it keep the Faceless out? It's what I like to call "Selective barriering" or as I like to call it, "Making up powers as you go!" -So now we know that Takumi Trump hates Corrin, but in the prologue dream thing, he seemed perfectly fine with Corrin. I know it was technically a dream, but still, what gives? -I will admit, the choice scene, at least if you choose Nohr, is quite well done. Despite this: Xander, while fighting Ryouma, has the time to look across the bridge into the enemy's ranks, recognize Corrin, and carry on a conversation? -This is a problem in other FE games, but I will mercilessly make fun of it here. Both sides are horrible international war criminals! Sakura and Elise are children, you sick fuck! #StopCorrin 2016. -Ah fuck it. Yukimura's steampunk vehicle thing is pretty fucking awesome. It does beg the question, though: if the Hoshidans can so obviously use steam power, why do they only use it to give this one lazy bastard a robot dog to carry him around! Emperor Meiji Mikoto is not. -Finally, even though Mikoto is dead, Ryouma is still not King yet. *sigh* And that is all for the pre-decison phase of the game! Join me either later today or tomorrow as I dive into and react to the Nohr story!

How the World Ended Just as the Cold War was beginning, everything ended all at once. The Aliens came. Viscous scum beings from the planet Neptune ruthlessly invaded Earth, crushing all resistance. After they won, they enslaved all of humanity, reducing human civilization to a footnote in galactic history. And that, i suppose, is where this story must end.

Well if it is Macbeth, Iago is probably based more on the Shakespeare villain than the Disney character. I do prefer Iago, I suppose, because Iago is much more of a villain than Macbeth.

Wait, so Macbeth is so much better? I mean, Macheth is the most infamous Shakespeare villain of all time, save perhaps for Tybalt.

...conceded.

This isn't a salt thread; its tongue in cheek.

So, got Fates for my birthday, decided to do this. Warning, I am a snarky asshole, who will say snarky things. Chances are if you like the story of Fates you will hate me. Yes, I do like Cinemasins. In any case, this is conquest, here we go. Prologue: -In the opening cutscene, Ryouma charges a bunch of Nohrian troops apparently without backup. A scene later, we see him surrounded by Hoshidan troops. What? -Every time someone says "Nohrian scum" I say to myself "thats racist!" -If Xander and Ryouma were ever to actually fight, Xander would kick ass because he has a horse and Ryouma doesn't have a lance. -So Corrin never wondered "Hey, why the fuck am I Asian while my siblings are white?" once? Really? -How did Felicia ever get past her job interview, given how clumsy she is? -The Nohrian capitol is ridiculously architecturally impractical. A squadron of Wyvern riders can breach it no problem. -So since Garon is such a dick, why are his kids all so good? Freud is quite angered by Shin Kubayashi's ignorance! -"Hey, Shin, how do we show the audience that this character is evil? "Oh, that's easy, we name him fucking IAGO!" You might as well name your villain Adolf Vessarionovich al-Baghdadi. -So Hans is a smart guy, why does he do a suicide charge when there is no need for it? -Why do the Hoshidan troops guarding the border not flank Corrin and co. after he uses Dragonvein? Hoshido deserve to lose this war; they fail strategy forever. -How the fuck did the Pegasus Knight reinforcements know that Nohr was attacking? Do the Hoshidans have secret smartphone technology? They're based on Japan, not South Korea! -So did Hans just turn himself invisible or some shit like that? Because I don't see how he could have escaped undetected. -How did the Nohrians know Corrin was in danger? Given that it takes someone who isn't a moron on the level of the Duke of Brunswick only about 5-10 minutes to clear the chapter, that means that they would have had to have learned Corrin was in danger and left BEFORE CORRIN ARRIVED AT THE BRIDGE! -Hey, Camilla is a cheater! She can't attack two people in one turn! Unless she has Galeforce, I suppose. -How the fuck does Hans push Gunther off the bridge when Gunther is on a MOTHERFUCKING HORSE? -Lillith ex machina. -My Castle is a terrible mechanic that breaks immersion and should not have been integrated into the main story in any capacity. -How on earth did Corrin think Dragon!Lillith was a bird? I know he's supposed to be sheltered, but I think my dog is smarter than him! -For that matter, how is Corrin such a good tactician? At least for Robin they hand waved it by saying that he was a tactical prodigy, but here they don't even pay lip service to it! Corrin spent most of his childhood imprisoned in a fortress! He has no tactical experience! Its almost as if there is some external force guiding his movements who is also very clever and handsome. -Because that one Hoshidan soldier just happened to be standing right at that spot to capture Corrin, the rest of the game can happen. Thanks, Hoshidan soldier! That's all for now, folks! Expect more snarkiness and assholery as soon as I get back to playing the game, whenever that may be! Based on Thane's absolutely glowing review of the Nohrian story, I'm assuming I'll have a lot more to talk about!

Well, more like introduced me to the concept; I started liking monarchy as a guilty pleasure because I quite liked Chrom (I don't anymore) but basically it opened me up to the ideas that made it not a guilty pleasure anymore.

I do agree with most of this; I think that making Elincia more of a character as well as Ashnard would have improved the story; maybe have an actual scene where we see him kill the King and Queen? Speaking of that, I definitely think that the order of the campaign should have been reversed; liberate Crimea first, then push into Daein, maybe after stopping an initial Daeinese(?) thrust into Gallia. As for the Black Knight, he was fine as a heavy/henchman villain, but everything that made him great in POR was the mystery surrounding him, so after seeing his absolutely moronic motivations in RD, coming back to him in POR is a bit... sad. Ashnard is great because he has the best motivation of any villain in the game, while still remaining utterly unsympathetic.

Always black, because the USSA loves to point out how not racist they are. Those other two ideas are actually really good; also Jean Libert and Anne Libert are Johann and Anna Liebert.

and why he is the best Fire Emblem villain, period. Seriously. I love Ashnard as a villain. He is the only main FE Big Bad that is not supernatural in nature. Sure, he uses supernatural forces, but only to achieve his goal. And that is where, in my mind, Ashnard gets really good. He has a goal centered around an ideology, that of Social Darwinism, and his backstory supports this ideology: of course he would want meritocracy, being 11th in line to the throne! Ashnard has an understandable goal, is extremely intimidating, and never, absolutely never, strays from accomplishing this goal. He doesn't want to make the world worship a dragon, he doesn't want to conquer for conquest's sake, he is an ideologue, representing a human threat in, IMO, the most human story in FE.

Note: If by chance this contradicts what I have previously said at any point, this canonically overrides whatever it contradicts. Interlude: The Superheros As discussed in previous chapters, the superhero genre was first created by writer and artist Joseph Geobbels, with his Overman character. Since then, superheros have gone from cheap entertainment to a legitimate genre of high works of fiction, with comics today being honored as just as important as other forms of art and entertainment. Thus, it is worth going into detail about some of the most important and recognized superheros, and their basic history. Uberman: Created by Joseph Geobbels, Uberman was the world's first superhero. His backstory is that he was the heir of the planet Krypton, before a Revolution led by the evil General Zod forced the royal family to send him as a baby to planet earth, where he was adopted by farmers in East Prussia. Uberman soon discovered he had incredible abilities due to being on Earth, and used them for the good of mankind. While his archenemy is the aforementioned General Zod, he has also clashed with such villains as Alexander Luthor, who has been everything from a corrupt politician to a business tycoon, to Braniac, an extremely intelligent robot. Uberman got his own movie in 1970, although recent movies starring him have flopped. Still, Uberman remains an iconic superhero. Iron Man The American comic writer Stan Lee would soon produce Communism's answer to Ultraman: Iron Man. Set in a world where America is still dominated by Capitalism, Iron Man stars James "Rhodie" Rhodes, a lower class worker who is employed by tycoon Tony Stark to test out his new suit of armor. After he discovers that Stark is evil, Rhodes vows to use his suit to fight the evil tycoon. Although its themes are obviously in favor of Communism, the Iron Man comics are still entertaining reads, and the Communist themes have decidedly toned down in recent years. Colonel Germany Another example of propaganda done right, Colonel Germany was originally a blatant recruiting advertisement during WWII, but he has since evolved into a very nuanced character. Gregor Halmann was a scrawny weakling who couldn't join the army, until he was injected with a serum that made him a super soldier. He wields an extremely sturdy sword and shield into battle, and his costume is inspired by the Teutonic Knights. Although his first run ended in the 40s, he was brought back in the 60s, the story being that he was frozen in ice in a fight against the French. His archival is the Monster, real name Jean Libert, who was forced by the Fascist French into a super soldier program as a child. The trauma left him insane, and he now has a position as the world's most dangerous serial killer/terrorist. The Monster is considered, generally, to be one of the most compelling parts of the comic. The Colonel would be joined starting in 1971 by Anne Libert, the Monster's good sister. Nemesis Nemesis is probably the second most famous superhero, after Uberman. He was created by Walt Disney, an American exile living in the Russian Empire. Nemesis was originally Bruce Wayne, a rich boy living in the fictional American city of Gotham. After the Revolution, his parents were murdered in front of him, and he became Nemesis, dedicated to getting revenge against the Communists. His comic is notable for being far, far darker than other comics, with Nemesis regularly killing his enemies. His enemies include the sinister Commisar Gordon, head of the PBI in Gotham, and the Joker, another resistance fighter who targets innocent civilians. The name "Nemesis" comes from the Greek god of vengeance.

Oh yeah also Ms Bunch I will grant you that Metal Face is a solid antagonist but you know what would fucking suck? If he was the main antagonist of Xenoblade. Fortunately, the main antagonists both have reasons for their actions.

Male: Alexander Female: Catherine

Hello, everyone, and welcome to blah the Prussian shamelessly advertising his story idea! Here we go! The hero should be a warrior Prince who is a seasoned soldier instead of a dumbass who can't change his own diapers without Jeigan. His best friend is one of similar character from another nation. The two countries are allies against a violent Revolution; let's say it's based on Robespierre's Republic of Virtue. In Act One, the two friends defeat this Revolution. The villain of this segment should be an ideologue; there is a reason why Ashnard is my favorite FE villain. He can be sympathetic if you want. Then, though, after the revolution is defeated, the interests of the two nations begin to collide. The two princes ascend as Kings, and are forced into war with one another in the interests of their nations. Neither one, really, is the bad guy; they are doing their duty as monarchs, which trumps friendship. Alternately! The PROTAGNIST is a conqueror. He can maybe, for example, liberate the people from serfdom, and do other good stuff like that, but the primary motivation should be conquest. FE: Napoleon edition, baby.