Candlejack Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 Frey: Yes you are Cain. Abel: We should call Cains "Freys". Cain: But... I DID NOT RUN Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BK-201 Posted November 29, 2009 Share Posted November 29, 2009 Abel: Thinking back, why did we not sacrafice Cain? Cain: Hey! Frey: Because, Jeigan is afraid of blood. Cain: Least I'm man enough. Abel: You didn't even go into battle. Cain: Prove it. Abel: Everyone was killed in the battle and that was a scratch from a branch. Frey: So, you are telling me I got sacraficed because Cain was scratched by a branch and Jeigan is phail. Abel: Yup. Screaming is heard from the dorm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dat Nick Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 Arran: Hey, Est! Why haven't you returned my calls? *Est leaves* Arran: Wh- Hey, what's going on? Est: Arran, I'm so sorry, we can't be together anymore... Arran: W-why's that? Est: I'm sorry, Arran, but I can't bring myself to hurt you! Arran: You're hurting me right now! What's up! Est: I...I have...I HAVE AIDS! And Herpes, and Gonorrhea! And Hepatitis A, B, C, D, AND E! Arran: Sweetheart, that's not a problem! Est: Huh...? But...- Arran: ...I have AIDS, too! And Herpes, and Gonorrhea, AND Hepatits A, B, C, D, AND E! Est: Oh, Arran! *They make out as Lorenz, the janitor peeks out from inside the broom closet and cries* Zagaro: Alright, enough of those failboats. What's going on today? Dolph: Just Old Man Boa's boring French class... Zagaro: A French class, eh...? Boa: Bonjour, où allez-vous? I'm rentrant à la maison. Zagaro: HOLD IT! Surely you can think of some better way to waste these kids's time, Prosecutor Boa! Face it, how many of these children are EVER going to need to speak French in their lifetime!Boa: Hein? Puits… oh….Y arrivé me! Zagaro: Well, since you can't think of anything else productive for these kids to do, I will! Now get your old French ass to the teachers lounge! Boa: Très bien, très bien…ah, cest la vie... Zagaro: Alright. Now who here thinks they know how to fight? *A few hands go up* Zagaro: WELL YOU'RE WRONG! You don't know jack shit about fighting until Zagaro teaches you how to do it! Now, anybody not interested in this class, healbots, mages, and archers, I'm DIRECTLY ADRESSING YOU, you may go home for the rest of the day and we'll figure out something for you guys to do tomorrow. *they do so* Zagaro: NOW! For those of you that have stayed, I'll need a volunteer. Luckily, I prepared one beforehand. Roger: ...Shiida will like me if I do this, right? Zagaro: All right, the first thing you need to know in direct hand to hand combat...check to see if your opponent's dumb enough to leave his balls unguarded. If they are...SOCK IT TO IM! *Kicks Roger in the balls* Roger: AAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHHH! *falls over, everyone laughs* Zagaro: Now, if you can pull this move off, you've pretty much won the fight already. But you still have to finish the sucker off! So then...you start dealing blows to the head! *Stomps on Roger's head* Roger; OWOWOWOOWOWOOW! MY HAIR! MY PRECIOUS PINK HAIR! *Everybody laughs again* Zagaro: From there, just keep hitting him wherever! The ribs- *Kicks Roger in the ribcage*, the legs- *Stomps on Roger's thigh*, and you might even be able to sneak in an arm wrench or two! *Zagaro picks up Roger and bends both of his arms at the same time*. And if he gets up during any of this... *headbutts Roger in the back* Knock 'im back down! Like that! Well, I'd say this poor bastard has had enough! When you're done with your foe...you pick him up- *Picks Roger up* And you THROW the FAT BASTARD OUT OF THE NEAREST POSSIBLE EXIT! *Chucks Roger out of the classroom window, everybody applauds* Gheb: Zagaro, you do not have the authority to take over Boa's French class. Report to the Principal's office, and bring the Vanilla Pudding. Zagaro: I'M ZAGARO! I have the authority to take over YOUR position, fat boy! Gheb: Err, sorry, sorry! Shiida, you bring the Vanilla Pudding. Zagaro: Shiida's under my protection, jerkwad! Gheb: Fine, fine, FINE! Tana! YOU report to my office, and bring the Vanilla Pudding! Zagaro: Now, we'll discuss class setups. You, Rick Astley! What's your game! Draug: I used to be Bottom tier as an Armor Knight. Zagaro: And now? Draug: With the Hunter-General training Program, I've crawled all the way up to High. Zagaro: See how much difference the right class setup can make, kids? Now, I'm afraid that's all the time we have for today. Get back here tomorrow at the same time you'd normally be at Boa's French Class! Dismissed! *the class runs home, excited to be rid of Old Man Boa's dreaded french class* Shiida: Omygodomygodomygod!!! You're a TEACHER now?! Zagaro: Yup. Shiida: That is _SO_ COOL! You have no idea how awesome it is to be rid of that boring old fart Boa! Zagaro: Just trying to fix this broken mess of an education system best I can. By the way, sweetheart, you came late to class. Shiida: Oh...sorry, I thought the old man was teaching, so I kinda skipped- Zagaro: No excuses, missy. You're gonna have to spend some time in detention. *they start making out in the classroom when they notice Roger slamming the ground rapidly* Shiida: Can he see us? Zagaro: Probably. Shiida: Good. *goes back to what she was doing, all punds intended* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BK-201 Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 Gheb mumbling to himself. Gheb: So I was drunk the other day. Gheb2: Yes. Gheb: Did anything special happen. Gheb2: Zagaro took over a classroom. Gheb: That son of a *****! Wolf: Get into position. Zagaro: Why do I have to be tackling dummy? Wolf: Lets see the other candidates. Ike is gay so no. Ike: What?! Wolf: I am captain. Zagaro: This is going to end badly... Wolf: Wallace is bald. Zagaro: And what does that have to do with an- Wolf: Silence. I have a better reason. Zagaro: Which is. Wolf: You sassed me. Zagaro: Oh ****. Speaker: Zagaro, I know you are getting hurt but come to my office. Bring your broken limbs and Marth's tiara. Football Team laughs as Zagaro slinks off trying to catch Marth. Marth: And my amazing speed stat does it again! Zagaro: Faints* Gheb jumps on Zagaro and they disappear. Marth: I'm going to be a teacher's pet to Paul and Jasmine to annoy Zagaro. Later. Paul: That is- Jasmine: -a great idea. Paul: Sex education- Jasmine: -with personal experience. Paul: Bril- Jasmine: -liant. Later. Paul: We will- Jasmine: -begin with- Paul: -sexual- Students laugh. Jasmine: -personal experience- Students gasp. Paul: -begin with- Jasmine -your support partner. Zagaro: WTF. Shiida: Oh ****. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Candlejack Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 Frey: :o <_< Hmm... who would be a good "support?" *Sees a bunch of ladies already talking to their forced ending mates* "Since I'm sort of not canon... *Checks support list*" Palla, huh? Not bad. Palla: Oh... I guess I have you then. Frey: Mmm hmm. *Strips, then strips Palla* Wait one moment, actually. *Aims his penis at Wolf, charges it up... and shoots a projectile that knocks Wolf off of his feet and into Gheb's crotch* Nobody talks dow to my equal. Not even a slightly lower equal. *Turns to Palla* Frey: Can you... clean my gun? Palla: Absolutely! Athena: *Comes into the class with Navarre* I have vound my partner! Navarre: *Whispers to self* Damn it, I have to plug that thing up before it pisses me off... Ymir: *Furiously pounding Dorothy* Etzel: ... Fuck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BK-201 Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 Later in the dorm. Abel: So you did Palla who had a crush on ME?! Frey: Ya. Arran: Don't tell me you got- Abel: Condoms. Arran: ****. Marth: And we- MERRIC ARE YOU LISTENING?! Merric is seen in a corner with Elice. Merric: Quiet, you'll wake th- Marth: ARE YOU SAYING YOU MADE MY SISTER PREGNANT? Merric: yes.. Marth: You did not just say that! Screams can be heard from the dorm. Ike: So I'm gay now am I? Paul: Yes- Jasmine: -your are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Candlejack Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 Frey: But dude, Abel, aren't you paired up with Est anyway? Arran: ... That's what they say, huh? Cain: Oh God, not another rant... Arran: Shut up! You're a sheep, you ALL are! I swear, the ignor- Abel: FUCK. ARRAN. YOU. DIED. BY. THE. END. OF. BOOK. 2. Arran: ... Your face died at the end of Book 2... Marth: You son of a bitch, Merric! Why the hell didn't you use protection?!? Merric: Hey, hey hey! I'm a magicman! I can make it disappear, man! We're cool... Marth: You damn well better! *Leaves* Merric: ... What shall we name the baby, Elice? Elice: Oh, let's name it... L'arachel! She'll grow up just like her mother... Merric: A healer you get waaaaaaay too late in the game when you already have four or five better healers? Elice: Yes! Oh, how perfect! --------- *Elsewhere* Ike: Okay, so I called you two in here for a meeting. Soren: ..... Ranulf: I'm all for being civil, but can you at LEAST tell Soren to help us out? Soren: ..... You aren't even of the same race... Ike: Look, we both have our problems, but I have a solution. Ranulf, you know that cat you have command over? Ranulf: Lyre? She's supported with Lethe, though. Ike: That's only a possibility. She could be with Kyza, or- Ranulf: He's gay. Ike: ... See? You could pair with him! Ranulf: Eh... I guess. Between him or Lyre... Soren: Does this mean that... I get to keep Ikey-poo all to myself? Ranulf: I guess. Soren: :D YAY! Ike: So who is it going to be, Ranulf? Ranulf: Oh, I think I've figured it out... --------- Ranulf: ... And that's my story. So, are you interested? Giffca: Why the fuck not. It isn't like I have any other option. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BK-201 Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 Newsboy: Headline New! Est: Huh? Newsboy: Arran, dead of various ailments. Est: And I'm not dead how? Abel: I got a healer for you. Est: **** you! -------------------------- Abel: - and that is how we broke up. Frey: So who's into you now? Abel: Paola. She won't stop trying to kiss me. Frey: So you stole my girl... Abel: Yes. Frey: How? Abel: You fail even more then Arran at surviving, you don't exist in the book series. Frey: I officially want to kill Jeigan. Later. Paul and Jasmine assigned the same work again due to a massive hangover. Cain: Who do I support with? Paul: Old Jeizer. Cain: Where is he. The closet opens and Jeigan's body falls out. Cain: I'm saved! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TinySteps Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 -Green Hair Anonymous- Syrene: This meeting is now in session. Joshua: PRESENT Syrene: a scratch and a bruise later Syrene: Ok, Vanessa read the last five minutes of our last meeting. Vanessa: OK Syrene: This meeting is now in session Joshua:PRESENT Syrene: Kill him... Ewan: I am going to dye my hair green! Syrene: Kill him too... Syrene: Vanessa read the last 5 minutes of our last session Vanessa:Okay- Soren: Why do we always do this it takes up all of our 5 minute meetings. Syrene; Your hair is black.... Soren: Acutally it's a dark green Syrene: It's too dark. Kill him ~ Rose:Bless my soul Jasmine: We are your subs Rose: For paired endings Jasmine: Rose dear I thought I said that Rose: Jasmine dear let us check the script together Jasmine: Rose dear that sounds like a wonderful idea students: *facepalm* Rose: Bless my soul Jasmine dear you were suppose to say that Jasmine: Rose dear then I shall say it right now Rose: Of course Jasmine dear Jasmine: For Paired Endings Roy*stab* Rose: Bless my soul Jasmine Jasmine: Bless my soul Rose Both: We should have slept together more Pain; We are your subs Agony: For paired endings Edward*stab* Scott:We- kill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Altera the Hun Posted November 30, 2009 Author Share Posted November 30, 2009 *Cafeteria again, the thieves table* Julain: What the fuck? What the FUCK!? WHAT THE FUCK!?! Sothe: What the hell is your problem? Julian: That's the 18th gay joke with me and Gheb this week! I don't even like the guy, goddamnit! Pahn: Yeah, well, you could get into trouble less... Marth: *Passing by* Physically impossible. Julian's been a troublemaker ever since Gharnef's days as Principal. Julian: I'm starting to miss that psychotic bastard... Colm: If you hate it so much, then why do you act like you do? Julian: That isn't me, you blue-haired asshole... Sothe: Oh? Then just who is it? *Meanwhile, Rickard is tied to the flagpole, stripped naked and hair dyed partially red* Rickard: Julian? Dude, I'm sorry, man, it was a joke- OHGODPITBULLS! *Back in the cafeteria, Rickard's girly screams can be heard as if he was in the Cafeteria itself.* Sothe: ...Oh. Colm: Ya know, I'm certain you'd get less flak if you got a girlfriend- *Julian jumps across the table and starts strangling Colm* Julian: I HAD A GIRLFRIEND, DAMNIT, AND SHE TOOK A GODDAMN VOW OF CELIBACY! Pahn: Yeah, like that's stopped any of the other clerics. *Serra, L'Arachel, Natasha, and Laura all sneeze* Colm: Dude... Just... Get... A... New... Girlfriend... *Julian lets go of Colm, who starts gasping for air, and sits back down* Julian: Okay, sure, I could look for a new girlfriend... But who would want me? Sothe: Heather? Julian: I don't have a vagina, dumbass. Sothe: Oh, right. Pahn: What about that Leila girl? I heard she broke up with her ex recently... Julius: ...Which makes her an easy catch! Thanks, man! *Julian gets up to find Leila just as Matthew and Legault come to sit down.* Legault: What, he's finished lunch already? Sothe: Nah, he went off to score with that Leila girl. *Matthew, who had just picked up his chocolate milk, crushes the carton in one hand, spraying Colm with the contents.* Matthew: You mean he's gonna go hit on my EX!? Pahn: ...Oh. You're her old boyfriend... Whoops... *Matthew dives across the table, decking Pahn and Sothe on the way, and dashes after Julian.* Legault: ...So now's probably a bad time to mention that Jaffar's out of Juvie, huh? Colm: Yeah. Yeah, I'd say it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Candlejack Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 (edited) Lifis: Speaking of which, where's Nino? She might want to know. Colm: That's a bad idea. I mean it this time. Lifis: Why? Didn't they go out? Colm: Well, yeah, but Jaffar kind of got himself into juvie so he could get AWAY from that crazy bitch. Legault: She's right behind you. Nino: ... BASTARD!!! *Attacks for 4 damage* Colm: lolfail, I'm from FE8, you can't hurt me. Jaffar: I can. *Lethality* Nino: JAFFAR!!! Yay, you're back! *Glomp* Lifis: Wait, I thought he hated Nino! Colm: That... was... to trick... you into going... out with her... Lifis: Asshole. Gheb: Speaking of which, Lifis, to my office now. You too Sothe. Sothe: WHAT DID I DO?!? Gheb: You wore your belly shirt; it gave me a boner. And bring the horse dildo. Ymir: Well, at least I didn't get in trouble. Gheb: ................ YES JULIAAAAAAAAAN!!! Edited December 1, 2009 by Sedgar the Hero Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Altera the Hun Posted December 1, 2009 Author Share Posted December 1, 2009 *Later, at the flagpole, Julian has joined Rickard in being stripped and tied to the poll* Rickard: Ha, serves you right! Julian: Oh, shut up. You wouldn't be here if you didn't cause me so much shit... Are those dog bites? Rickard: Oh, yeah, there's pitbulls roaming around here- OHGODTHEY'REBACK! *Back in Chemistry class, Julian and Rickard's screams can be heard booming through the walls.* Lifis: Jesus Christ, man, remind me to never piss off Matthew! Eliwood: You think this is bad? I heard he once got so pissed off at a guy, he killed the guys parents, cooked them into a chili, and fed them to the poor sap. Lifis: ...That's the plot of an episode of South Park. Eliwood: Where do you think they got the idea? *Matthew chuckles evilly in a corner, which actually manages to disturb his lab partner, Jared.* Wendel: Okay class, today we're going to learn how to make nitroglycerine... *The class stands up and cheers* Wendel: ...Which will result in an automatic month-long detention with Gheb if you're caught making it. *The class goes silent and takes their seats* Wendel: Alright, so all you need is a bucket of water, concentrated Nitric Acid, concentrated Sulfuric Acid, Glycerin, a Styrofoam Container- the ones used for beer, a Pint Sized Glass Flask, A 2000mL Seperatory Funnel, Distilled Water, and a Thermometer. First, keep the bucket of water close, if something does go wrong, you can drown it out with water. This will not happen, as long as you are not a complete dumbass. *Everyone glares at Bartre* Bartre: ...What? How was I supposed to know putting a beaker full of dy ice on a hot plate would cause it to explode? Wendel: Anyways, fill the Styrofoam Container half way full of Ice. This container will be used to cool your flask with all the chemicals in it. The chemicals being cold is 100% REQUIRED. If the ingredients are not cold when mixed, other reactions can take place, and your mixture could explode. *Again, everyone stares at Bartre* Bartre: Oh, get off my case! It only happened once! Marth: Not once Flanderization sets in, it won't have. Wendel: As I was saying, Put your Nitric Acid and Sulfuric Acid in the freezer for a while before mixing them in the flask. That way you do not have to sit around and wait for them to get cold. Bury your glass flask in the ice bath, pour in 200mL concentrated sulfuric acid, and 100mL of concentrated nitric acid, they are mixed together by swirling the container a bit, or mixing with a glass rod, or the thermometer. This mixing will warm them up a bit, but they will quickly cool in the ice bath. When the temperature of the acids is 40F, the glycerin can be added- remember, you must remember that you CAN NOT have glycerin that has water in it. You must have actual glycerin. *In the back, Ymir curses and pulls out a cell phone, typing a note into it* Gheb: Ymir, Geddown here. I know you're planning on making some of that nitros shit. Ymir: DAMNIT! *Shuffles out of class while everyone points and laughs at him.* Wendel: Anyways, meausure out your glycerine to be added. Once 50mL of glycerin is measured out, add it to the Nitric Acid and Sulfuric Acid mixture 5mL at a time. DO NOT pour the glycerin into the acids all at once, or even in 5mL globules. You must slowly add it to the acid mixtures. If the glycerin builds up in one spot, a runaway reaction can occur. *Once again, everyone stares at Bartre.* Bartre: Oh, COME ON! He didn't even mention explosions! *The class gives him the evil eye* Bartre: ...I hate you all... Wendel: As I was getting at- *Suddenly, Gheb bursts through the classroom door, buck naked and holding a similarly naked Ymir over his crotch.* Lifis: Eh, at least he had the decency to censor himself. Ymir: He's censoring himself right into my ass, man! Lifis: Oh. HAHA, SUCKS TO BE YOU! Gheb: Lifis, swing by my office when I'm done here. I've got some "Censoring" I need you to do for me. Lifis: ...Oh, shit. Gheb: As for the rest of you, get the hell outta here. *As if on cue, the rest of the class takes off through the other door and the windows, trying to get as far away from Gheb as possible.* Wendell: Uh, Principal Gheb, what brings you here today? Gheb: Simple. You were stupid enough to lecture a class on how to make explosives. A class with an idiot who manages to blow stuff up without the big bang! Bartre: *From outside* OH, COME ON!! Wendell: But it's part of the district curriculum- Gheb: Not anymore it is. Now drop your pants and bend over, OLD MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!! Ymir: O.O X_X Wendell: ...Oh my... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luminothe Posted December 1, 2009 Share Posted December 1, 2009 MUAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!! I found a way to make self inserts that are technically not self inserts so they don't break the rules. THE TACTICIAN!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BK-201 Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 No. Self insertions or anything resembling it can kill a fanfic. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AstraLunaSol Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 As well as making Gheb rape you. >_> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BK-201 Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 (edited) Tactician raped by Gheb. That would be an odd self insertion. Edited December 2, 2009 by BlackKnight666 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Altera the Hun Posted December 2, 2009 Author Share Posted December 2, 2009 *Cafeteria, the Thieves table. Legault, Colm, Pahn, Lifis, and Matthew are already sitting down.* Legault: So someone got Julian and Rickard off the flag pole last night... Colm: What makes you think it was last night? Legault: I taped it. Colm: Oh. *Deu walks over to sit down at the table* Deu: Hey guys! What's up- *Pahn, Lifis, and Matthew immediately jump up, grab Deu, and drag him outside. A few minutes later, they come back short one blonde craptastic thief.* Colm: Flagpole? Pahn: Yep. With duct tape this time. *Lifis holds up a big roll of duct tape and waves it around a bit* Colm: Nice. Matthew: Anyways, who actually got those two jokers off the flagpole last night? Legault: *Now somehow wearing the Heath Ledger Joker makeup* Oh, I dunno. Ya see, they were wearing masks and black clothes... Lifis: Ninjas? Legault: No, if they were ninjas, they wouldn't have been caught on camera. Lifis: Oh. Right. Matthew: So you have no clue who got them off the pole? Legault: Actually, I kinda do. It was- *Legault is cut off when Julian walks through the door with Leila.* Legault: -The lady who just walked through the door with the kid. And someone else I never figured out. *Matthew, predictably, berserks and dives at Julian. Pahn and Lifis grab him mid-air, yank him back, and quickly restrain him.* Julian: *Completely oblivious to the attempt to maul him* Oh, hi guys. I'm sure you all know my new girlfriend, Leila. Everyone: GIRLFRIEND!? ALREADY!? Matthew: WHY!? WHY, LEILA!? WHY!? Leila: Well, for one, you tied him to a flagpole surrounded by pitbulls because he was gonna ask me out. Lifis: Wait, there's pitbulls out there? *Deu can be heard screaming in fear and agony* Pahn: ...Uh, whoops. Leila: Anyways, since you bullied him for wanting to ask me out, I figured you must be afraid that he'd be a better boyfriend to me than you were. So I decided to ask him out instead. Colm: When did you- Leila: Last night. Colm: Ah. Speaking of which, whatever happened to Rickard? *Meanwhile, Rickard is lounging in the Chorus room with the school's Pegasi Knight club. And Leanne.* Rickard: *With an arm around Marcia and smoking a cigar* I could get used to this... *Back at the cafeteria...* Leila: ...He's getting plenty of love. Julian: Anyways, I'll talk to you guys later. I'm sitting with Leila's friends today. Ciao! *Julian and Leila walk away.* Pahn: Ah, well, that coulda been worse, right Matthew? ...Matthew? *Matthew just sits there for a few seconds with a blank stare on his face. Then he looks up and starts screaming* Matthew: JULIAAAAAAAAAN!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Candlejack Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 Frey: You need some help in getting revenge, Matty boy? Talk to Lena. She was Julian's previous fling... better yet, talk to Gheb. I'm sure HE'LL be interested in learning his little sex toy is in a new relationship. Matthew: Hehehe, thanks. *Goes over to Lena* Lifis: Dude, that's cruel. Frey: What? He's learning his lesson! Colm: But Matthew might actually KILL Julian; I mean, he's a competent fighter like most of the thieves here! Julian is only marginal! Who knows what could- Frey: What? No, I'm tricking Matthew into telling Gheb that Julian is in a relationship. Pahn: I... don't follow you. Frey: Ever heard of "shoot the messenger"? Legault: You devious little bastard! I should do that with Heath! Heath: I'm right here! Legault: He won't know what hit him... Sedgar: Everyone, I have an announcement to make. Me and Sheeda are no longer in a relationship, due to her having AIDs... among other things. Wolf: Shit man, you got AIDs? Sedgar: What?!? Fuck no, it dissolved as soon as it touched my S-cells. Anyway, she's up for grabs if anybody wants her... *Looks at Roger* Roger: No, I've found somebody already. Sedgar: That soon? Wendy: Yeah, me. *Smooches Roger* Sedgar: Uh... *Looks at Jake* Jake: Really man? Sedgar: What about Marth? He's her forced pairing after all. Marth: Yeah... about that... Catria: I'm his mistress. Sedgar: So I'm stuck with this AIDs whore? Wolf: Hey, at least she's a hot AIDs whore. Ira: Come on Wolf, lets trade math equations. Wolf: My favorite subject! Subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and add the solution! Sedgar: What about multiplication? Wolf: I got a vasectomy. Frey: What?!? You can't have kids now! Wolf: I die anyway, what's the difference? Frey: Fair enough... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Altera the Hun Posted December 2, 2009 Author Share Posted December 2, 2009 *The next day, at the Thieves table. Matthew, Colm, Legault, Pahn, and Lifis are sitting together again.* Matthew: Okay, now Julian AND Sedgar are gonna die. I lost the feeling in my ass after about an hour or so... Gatrie: *Stops after overhearing Matthew* Ha! At least YOU still have bowel control. I need to use a buttplug to keep from spewing all over the place! Lifis: Uh, eww? Phan: I think I'm gonna barf, man... Colm: Dude, we're eating! Legault: Yeah! Get out of here before you spew all over our food! *Matthew shudders, Lifis gags, Colm slams his hands on the table and stand up, and Pahn rishes over to the trash cans* Colm: REALLY, MAN!? JESUS CHRIST! *Suddenly, Ranulf runs into the room and dives under the Thieves table* Ranulf: HIDE ME, MAN! Lifis: What's wrong with you? Ranulf: Well, you see, Me and someone close to a good friend of mine kinda got stuck in an elevator together... For a few hours... and one thing led to another... Colm: ...Which friend would this be? Ike: *Rampaging outside* RANUUUUUUUUUUUUULF!! GET THE FUCK OUT HERE!! RIGHT!! NOW!! Legault: You fucked Soren!? Ranulf: Wha- NO! I'm not gay, you asshole! *Ike immediately bursts in after hearing Ranulf shout out "No", and immediately flips over the Thieves' table to get access to Ranulf.* Lifis: HOLY SHIT! Matthew: OH MY GOD! Colm: MY FOOD! *As Matthew, Pahn, and Lifis give Colm the WTF look, Ike grabs Ranulf by the collar and yanks him to his feet.* Ranulf: OH GODDESS HAVE MERCY!! Ike: I KILLED THE GODDESS, REMEMBER!? Yune: Ahem? Ike: Do yOu WaNt tO DiE!? Yune: EEP! *Dives out the nearest window* *Ike pulls back his fist, and Ranulf flinches. Suddenly everything freezes, and Makalov walks over* Makalov: What's Ike going to do to Ranulf? Who exactly did Ranulf tap? When did Yune get her body back? All these things will be explained in the th next episode of "Fire Emblem High-" *Makalov gets nailed in the face by a flying platter, knocking him clean out* Marcia: STOP BEING SUCH A CHEESY HAM, GOD DAMNIT!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junkhead Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Indeed, self insertations are what make a Mary Sue/Marty Stu. -_- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Altera the Hun Posted December 3, 2009 Author Share Posted December 3, 2009 *As Gheb drags Marcia to his office, Ike and Ranulf unfreeze... only for Sedgar to step in.* Sedgar: Hold, it, hold it, just what did this poor sub-human do to deserve a beating? Ike & Ranulf: LAGUZ! IT'S LAGUZ, YOU JACKASS! Wolf: *Walking over* Same difference. What happened? Ranulf: Well, you see, me and someone close to Ike here kinda got stuck in an elevator together... For a few hours... and one thing led to another... *Sedgar and Wolf stare at Ranulf for a few seconds, then look at each other.* Wolf: Well, I can't neccessarily say I could blame you... Sedgar: Yeah, after all, Mrs. Greil certainly is a very attractive woman... *Ike scowls at Sedgar and Wolf, with the look of a rabid insane Mamkute in his eyes* Wolf: Er, I mean, shame on you! You shoulda known better than that! Ranulf: Well gee, thanks guys. Sedgar: You're welcome, Sub-Human- *Ike decks Sedgar in the face, which causes an explosion that launches Sedgar from the cafeteria and into the flagpole, hitting poor Deu and knocking the both of them out* Ike: Now, where were we... *Cracks knuckles* Ranulf: OH, DEAR GOD NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-! *CRACK! CRUSH! WHACK!* Legault: Oh my god... Colm: I can't believe this... Legault & Colm: WHY ISN'T ANYONE TAPING THIS!? *Sothe pops out from behind the flipped Thieves table with a camcorder pointed at the action* Sothe: Don't worry, guys, I got this covered. Colm: Oh, thank god! Legault: You're a life-saver, man! *BANG! THWACK! CRUNCH!* Eddie: Oh my god, Micaiah, it's horrible! ...Micaiah? *Micaiah's passed out, bleeding from the eyes and foaming from the mouth in reaction to the ultra violence* Eddie: ...Leo, Help me cart her into the back room. Leo: Sure. *SNIKT! SPLURT! THUNK!* Est: ...Did he just take his... Serra: Un-huh. Est: ...And put it in his... Serra: Un-huh... *Est goes into the fetal position sucking her thumb while Serra vomits and faints* *BAM! SMACK! HONK!* *Largo walks in* Largo: Hey guys what's going- OHMYGODMYEYES!! *Largo's eyes vomit themselves out of their sockets and Largo passes out from the pain.* *BONK! SQUISH! RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!* *As Ike steps away panting, Ranulf falls to the floor in a mangled heap that's very description is so gory, it'd automatically get this post deleted* Ranulf: *Gurgle gack choke* Ike: ...And THAT... Is what you get, for messing with my mom! *At that moment, Elena herself walks in, carrying a paper bag.* Elena: Oh Ike, You forgot your lunch- OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Candlejack Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Frey: Hey Ike, wake up! Ike: ... Buh buh buh? What happened? Frey: You had a dream sequence where you thought you could kick anyone's ass. Maybe in FE10, but not here, where Sedgar, Sigurd, FE10 Haar, Titania, Duessel, Seth, Gheb- Ike: I GET IT! So, what happened? Frey: You got knocked out by Kyza and dragged into the nearest closet. That probably explains why there's fur around your anus. Ike: I think I'm gonna be sick... *Runs* Boyd: He's going to kill you once he finds out you paid Kyza to gangrape Ike. Frey: You mean he'll TRY to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Altera the Hun Posted December 3, 2009 Author Share Posted December 3, 2009 *Suddenly, Frey wakes up* Frey: Ugh, my head... What happened- *Frey sees the mangled mass that was/is Ranulf. He vomits all over himself, then passes out again.* Elena: JESUS CHRIST, IKE! WHAT DID YOU DO!? Marth: Jesus Christ? Who is this Jesus Christ- Elena: YOU SHUT UP! Ike: But... But mom, he- Elena: Yes, he got me pregnant 9 months ago when he had sex with me after we'd been trapped in an elevator FOR 72 HOURS! Legault: Wait, this happened nine months ago? Ike, why are you- Ike: *Feral growl* Legault: Er, right. Never mind. Ranulf: Hmmmph, Hmph hmph mph hpmh!? (Wait, you were pregnant!?) Colm: ...What did he say? Lifis: The British are coming? Jack and Jill went up a hill? Timmy fell in a well? Ranulf: ...Hmphmph, hmph mphmph hmph mph mph. (Lifis, I'm going to kill you.) Kyza: I think he was exclaiming that Elena was pregnant... Ike: WELL YEAH! HOW DO YOU THINK I FIGURED OUT YOU KNOCKED MY MOM UP!? Elena: IKE! Ike: I mean, HOW DO YOU THINK I FIGURED OUT WHO GOT MY MOM PREGNANT!? Elena: That's better. Wolf: Wait a minute, arn't you married to Greil? Elena: Ah, yeah... Welll... *Last year, about the same time* Greil: ZELGIUS! YOU GOTH PUNK! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!! Zelgius: *As the Black Knight* Lolno u dont *Slaughters Greil* *Present Day* Wolf: Oh... Sorry about that. Elena: Besides, Ranulf had just gone through a breakup of his own with that Lyre girl! Sothe: Oh yeah, she moved to Australia a little over 9 months ago, didn't she? *Everyone nods in agreement* Lethe: Hold it, you idiots! My sister didn't move away, or I woulda moved too! Colm: Oh? Then where is she-? *Suddenly, Lyre walks through the door, carrying a bunch of Australian souveniers*\ Lyre: I'm back from studying abroad- OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO RANULF!? Elena: ...Wait a moment, you mean you didn't leave him? Lyre: Leave him!? I've been sending him postcards every week! What the hell makes you think I left him!? Ranulf: HMPHMPH!? (POSTCARDS!?) *Meanwhile, Skrimir is busy tossing various postcards from Australia into the faculty toilet* Skrimir: Better get rid of these before Ranulf finds out, or I'll be in deep shit! Oliver: *Pops up behind Skrimir* Oh, but my boi, you already ARE in deep shit! Skrimir: ...Oh shit. *Back at the cafeteria* Elena: ...So... You lied to me, Ranulf? Lyre: Ranulf... Cheated on me!? Ranulf: ...hmphmph. (...ohshit.) Elena and Lyre: ...You're boned. Ranulf: HMPHHMPHHMPHHMPHHMPHHMPHHMPHHMPHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (NONONONONONONONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!) *And thus, a brutalizing even more horrific than the first graced the cafeteria of Fire Emblem Highschool.* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Candlejack Posted December 3, 2009 Share Posted December 3, 2009 Frey: Wow, that was a crazy dream. The worst part was when I blew chunks. I don't even know what that feels like, but still. Ranulf: Besides, we all know I take it in the ass by Giffca. Giffca: Yo. Frey: Then who is pairing with Caineghis? Skirmir: Me. Frey: Oh, makes sense. Wait, what about Lyre? Ranulf: Kyza. Frey: I thought Kyza was gay... Ranulf: He is. They're just fighting over me. Although I think Kyza is winning... Frey: Eh, forget I asked. I'm going to go screw the entire female cast of FE5 now... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Altera the Hun Posted December 3, 2009 Author Share Posted December 3, 2009 *Meanwhile, in reality* Kyza: *Overhearing Frey's muttering in his, er, "sleep"* Wait, WHAT!? I'M NOT GAY, YOU BASTARD!! *Kicks Frey's unconcious body and breaks his foot in the process* AUGH!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GUY MADE OF!? *While just about every healer in the school is casting Heal, Live, Mend, Physic, and so forth on Ranulf, and breaking staves by the dozens to boot, Legault, Colm, and Sothe go back over the footage they filmed.* Colm: Oh man, I feel like showing this to Sedgar when he wakes up. Legault: Eh, he'll probably deny it and say we staged it. Sothe: Like he'll deny getting thrown out the window by Ike? Legault: He fell down a staircase. Colm: You know what? We could easily break a million views if we put this on YouTube. Legault: Screw YouTube, we could make a killing if we sent this in to America's Most One-Sided Fist-Fights! Sothe: Three Words- Pay. Per. View. *The three high-five. Suddenly, the PA turns on.* Gheb: *Over PA* Ike, Elena, Lyre, Kyza, and Gatrie, report to my office immediately. I'd have Ranulf come too, but He's had enough punishment as it is already. Gatrie: WHAT THE HELL DID I DO!? Gheb: Nothing, you're just my favorite raeptoy. Next to Amelia, of course. Amelia: Wait, what the hell!? Gheb: Amelia, report to my office as well. Now where were we, Mr. Skrimir? Skrimir: OH GOD, NOT ANOTHER FATTY!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-! *The PA turns off* Pahn: ...Another fatty? Skrimir got nailed by Oliver today, too? Lifis: Who knows? All I know is unless we drag Sedgar away from that pole, there's gonna be a bloody mess out there. Pahn: You think those pitbulls will maul Sedgar? Lifis: I think Sedgar will maul those dogs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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