Let's Play: Thera Total War

[Rewjeo]

Don't you just love elephants

[IGdood]

Don't you just love elephants

Very much. -pulls out pila-

Methinks I need more javelin cavalry in my ranks. Legionnaires take way too long getting ready to throw. Good thing there's an endless supply of Tushkan Raiders ready to die for a warm bed and soup. Flaming arrows only make Dumbo panic. Javelins actually kill them very, very well.

Of course I can just get a shitload of Elephant Artillery and let hell break loose.

Edited July 21, 2011 by skitarii

[Rewjeo]

See, pila aren't effective against elephants in Rome, just javelins, like from skirmishers. Except skirmishers really suck against everything else, so I never have them in my army.

[IGdood]

See, pila aren't effective against elephants in Rome, just javelins, like from skirmishers. Except skirmishers really suck against everything else, so I never have them in my army.

Massed chariots can kick any cavalry unit's ass. Failing that, get Heavy Peltasts/Illyrian Mercenaries. Incendiary Pigs work well too. But I myself prefer to use ballistae and onagers if possible.

Anyways, update time.

The Valhallan nation offers trade rights to me. Funny how I see princesses doing the negotiating nowadays instead of actual diplomats.

I have a shortage of governors in the newly conquered Tahar provinces, so maybe I'll train some new Generals. They're not as great as the royal family members in fighting, but they'll do.

Nubii falls to us after a failed sally attempt.

Numari Javelins - Forgot if I advertised this unit before, but the only use I can think of for them is garrison duty and killing elephants, but even then they'll suck at it.

Valerius Tiberius leads a small army to besiege Izbila. Yes, the Cataphractii are with him.

Then, next turn the Tahar are royally pissed and sally with a large force.

The small force initiated the attack, and the actual large force led by Yahya is behind me, so I deployed facing the other way.

The small, 100-man band approaches first. I let Valerius deal with them.

Yeah, Valerius and his bodyguard unit alone took care of those 100 Tahars.

Now with that rabble swept aside, let's continue advancing to meet the real enemy force.

I immediately come under fire from enemy catapults, ballista, jezails, javelins, and an arrow storm.

I won't last long under this kind of shitstorm. Not even with all that armor and shields. The Tahar aren't budging either, but their javelin cavalry are running around tossing shit at me. Well, Valerius won't have this kind of bullshit happen under his watch. No, he has the cataphractii charge forth.

And manages to catch the raiders, who are quickly sent to hell.

This pisses the Tahar off enough that all their infantry come charging forth at me. I put the legionnaires on shield wall mode.

I'm losing tons of men from that enemy elephant general bodyguard somewhere in the distance.

And being outnumbered by superior enemy troops (somewhat superior anyways, fucking immortals and Tahar Infantry are dangerous)

So, the cataphractarii go forth to cut up some archers and hopefully they'll survive the hailstorm until they hit catapults

Meanwhile, I have my Mancu Warriors and mondii Axemen attempt to flank the Tahars.

Seems like the enemy knows what I want to do. They keep shooting at my cavalry.

Cataphracts manage to hit catapults, and they send the crew routing.

I've got to take down that Calpih, and fast...

But it would be suicide to go after him right now, so all I can do is charge Valerius repeatedly into the enemy rear. It worked wonders.

They're running! Now, all units, go after the Caliph!

Valerius sir, what the fuck are you doing, get out of there!

Oookay, so I'm taking quite some losses fighting the Calpih's bodyguards, and i realized the Tahar routers had regrouped and are coming back with a vengeance.

Well, he dies, and I have no idea who landed the killing blow.

With renewed vigor, we continue slugging it out with the remaining enemy infantry.

And we win. Major losses all around, though.

Valerius has a propensity for dread already, so why not reinforce it by executing all the enemy soldiers we just captured? I am informed of a bloody execution by the sound of sharp objects falling and blood dripping.

I don't think Valerius will survive this one...

Nevermind, he did. The timer ran out and the AI didn't do anything.

This is one of the new generals i had recruited. Boy, are those some shitty stats.

The Alchemist's Lab will allow me to improve my gunpowder units....somehow.

My spies move around the middle island. I find a very nice Star Wars reference. And it would appear that north of the Tahar is territory of the Faustian Reich and the Valiente.

It doesn't look like they like each other very much.

The Aqueduct will improve public health and population growth.

huh, I was looking forward to fighting these guys.

I land on a little island that is still occupied by rebels. I find a new mercenary unit that's totally eclipsekitty's Pineapple Huggers. Now they're called Matzo Ronin. You want 'em, eclipse? XD

You know, I thought Elephant Artillery was ridiculous, but this takes it up to eleven. Rocket launchers on fucking elephants. HIRED.

Edited July 22, 2011 by skitarii

[Rewjeo]

11 melee attack, 6 charge, and 16 defense is already absurd, but 63 missile attack? I'd pay 550 a turn for that. Do they also shoot rockets while the elephants are beating people up in melee like archers on top of elephants do?

Edited July 22, 2011 by Rewjeo

[IGdood]

11 melee attack, 6 charge, and 16 defense is already absurd, but 63 missile attack? I'd pay 550 a turn for that. Do they also shoot rockets while the elephants are beating people up in melee like archers on top of elephants do?

Probably not. I haven't seen it work with the Elephant Artillery, so probably not with the Elephant Rocketeers either.....

Wel, I think the Tahar have had enough. It's time to go to new lands....and to search for new mercenaries. I want to invade the Pale Knights.

I just realized the Tushkan are a play on the Tuskan Raiders from Star Wars.

Zuabii falls to us. Heheh.. Exterminated.

A Master Explorers' Guild is offered to me. I accept and look forward to the new retainers and ancillaries that will appear in my generals' retinues.

Boarding shiiiips!

A swordsmiths' guild offers to establish itself here. It'll upgrade our melee weapons!

You guys remember that little island between our lands and the Lao Che's? Turns out it's still owned by the rebels, and the garrison is NOT pretty.

My spy creeps through the Paynal lands....and...that will be a bitch to deal with.

Our new diplomat seems to remind me of Merlinus....

The Heavy Armourer will upgrade our legionnaires somewhat! Armor is actually a pretty finicky thing. The benefits are +1 defense only per upgrade level, but then you get various drawbacks. You'll actually be more vulnerable to armor-piercing troops and you get a fatigue penalty multiplier in the heat.

Well, after reinforcing my tiny force at Ganghwa Island it's time to besiege it....I'm not going to assault it. That will be suicide.

The Tahar accept my request to a ceasefire.

Well remember that Barkha Sultanate army back at Troy? They've decided to attack the new governor who was on his way to there. Looks like I'll be going after the Barkha, not the Pale Knights...

New mercenaries have appeared as we land close to the Barkha Sultanate lands.

Hdar Archers - Pretty much identical to the Tushkan, save with MUCH better morale and slightly less defence.

Hdar Swordsmen - Badass-looking motherfuckers with chainmail facemasks who can stand up to our legionnaires.

Hdar Cavalry - They can beat out our Romuli cavalry in charge bonus....and they'll kick major ass in the desert.

Seems like building the final tier of Romuli ranged buildings unlocks the Legionarii Arcebusarii, but I've already got the better Praetoriani version....

BESIEGED.

FROM TAHAR TO BARKHA I RAVAGE THE LAND

NOW ROMULI DNA GOES FROM NEW YORK TO JAPAN I MAKE NO SENSE

This is a strange, strange mission. Wtf?

Paj Nara has fallen. Occupied.

The Barkha at Ponda Baba are pissed off enough to sally out. Looks to be a huge battle.

I got my shield wall. Barkha don't have elephants. I'll win this.

U ready to prove yourself to the Romuli, Hdar?

Annnd all the suspense I've been building up amounted to nothing. The Barkha stand on their high ground, and I stand on mine. They don't proceed to attack, so I win by the timer.

Consequently, I massacre the shit out of Ponda Baba to prevent dissent.

Tullius Caesar has died, oh noez.

The Barkha really don't know what they've asked for, do they?

Funny, on the southern side of the island there is another new breed of mercenary. Although, the shitty kind.

Otjuk Tribesmen - While it's surprising they have a bonus against armor, their stats really don't make up for it. They're only good for garrison duty.

Otjuk Archers - I'll take Hdar Archers any day.

Otjuk Warriors - Garrison duty and sword fodder.

Otjuk Karshi - You suck even more than Daryan the Silver Wolf.

Anyways, then after I posted all these screenshots I find out that I fucked up my installation of Thera due to an incorrect patching. So I fixed it and the game save is not compatibile with the new version. Now I have to restart my Romuli Empire. Don't worry, I'll be back in a few days and try to get more-or-less to the same state I am in now. Sorry guys,

[Parrhesia]

Massed chariots can kick any cavalry unit's ass. Failing that, get Heavy Peltasts/Illyrian Mercenaries. Incendiary Pigs work well too. But I myself prefer to use ballistae and onagers if possible.

On the subject of Rome TW Mercenaries, which ones are worth getting? I tend to get Cretan Archers at every opportunity, as well as Thracians. ...Then again, I'm also rather bad with money, having been in fiscal freefall since the Marian reforms.

[IGdood]

On the subject of Rome TW Mercenaries, which ones are worth getting? I tend to get Cretan Archers at every opportunity, as well as Thracians. ...Then again, I'm also rather bad with money, having been in fiscal freefall since the Marian reforms.

Mm, I get Mercenary Hoplites whenever possible to give my Roman units something to kill cavalry with since Triarii usually arrive too late and the Marian Reforms are here. Auxilia suck against infantry, and Merc Hoplites don't since they have long spears.

I also grab Scythian Mercenary cavalry archers if I can, as well as Mercenary War Elephants. Former for great ranged support and pissing off the enemy and the latter for scaring the enemy and giving myself a moving group of arrow-shooting tanks. I rarely commit elephants to a melee unless I'm positively certain they won't run amok.(same for Medieval 2 Total War) If I'm just running low on units and I need some fodder I hire those Barbarian Mercenary Warbands and Desert Infantry Mercenaries.

The rest....I'm not really sure.

And yes, Marian Reforms really put a dent in your finances. Going into a Roman Civil War.....even moreso.

Edited July 22, 2011 by skitarii

[Parrhesia]

I know there's a reskin of Thracian Mercenaries who have 2 HP each, but cost like 1600 to hire.

I'm hoping to war soon...I need to kill half my troops and conquer more cities to salvage my income.

[IGdood]

I know there's a reskin of Thracian Mercenaries who have 2 HP each, but cost like 1600 to hire.

I'm hoping to war soon...I need to kill half my troops and conquer more cities to salvage my income.

Uuuhhh....uuuh....Bastarnae! Yeah. I hire those too.

[Parrhesia]

I could have sworn they began with a D, but instinctively I know you're right.

But yeah. Hopefully the Senate becomes sick of me soon, I'm tired of having to keep a couple of standing armies in Italy. I've half a mind to just abandon my other conquests and just to strike now.

[Rewjeo]

The Senate makes no sense. The more I ignore them, the more they like me. The more I focus on completing their missions, the less they like me. I think it's because their missions prevent me from actually conquering land.

[IGdood]

Oh hey guys, I've been playing non-stop for...I forgot how long. Well there was some summer classes too but anyways.....

Fuck the senate. Those old men know nothing but to get weak families to do their dirty work and get all pissy and throw multiple bitchfits befitting a 0-charm princess when you even start to show talent and power.

I worked hard enough that I managed to match the territories I left off with......40-something turns earlier. So, , some changes.....the League of Privateers is dead, but the Uruk Dominion is alive. Jakuta belongs to the Lao Che, who are still our allies. The Valiente are also our allies. What else.....yeah, not much different. Oh, right, the Tahar migrated to the western island where the Paynal are. They haven't asked for ceasefires from me either, so I assume they're kinda strong.

So, what am I doing now? I'm bringing up an army to Jerusalem Bae Eden, which got Jihad'd by the Barka Sultanate. It then switched hands to the Valiente by a Crusade, then got Jihad'd again. Well, I've seen enough of these inferior peoples fight over each other. I'll be taking this settlement myself.

I've already got spies in here. The gates are open. Let's go. Kill them all.

You tell 'em!

Matzo Ronin, specially imported from eclipse's mercenary company. Heheheheheh.....

The Elephant Rocketeers provide covering fire for my troops who are walking to the gate. The enemy run off, not wanting to explode into tiny chunks.

Aside from Elephant Rocketeers, I also have standard issue Rocket Launchers. Less portable, but bigger payload. Plus, the "Asian" voiceacting they have is hilarious. "RAWKET LAUNCHAS!"

What's also extremely funny is that the elephants trumpet very loudly before their handler fires his rockets. Same goes for Elephant Artillery.

The Legio Caesaris got a makeover after the patch. They have mohawks on their helmets now, but the Praetoriani still look cooler in my opinion, with their black armor.

I've actually ridden on an elephant before. It's a very bumpy ride.

Just as our spies had told us, the gates have opened!

The Barka retreat to their town square.

The Uruk Hai will go in as an advance suicide force. They'll hopefully keep people busy.

You're probably wondering how the hell am I taking so many casualties. Well, the Barka practically parked catapults in the middle of the square. My forces are moving in a narrow line formation down the street. Rocks go through targets. You can do the math. Fuck. Oh, and those cavalry guys on the left are Mancu Warlords. They're currently kicking some ass.

CURSE YOU CATAPULTS

Throw. Pila. Now.

Screw those Barka bodyguard 2 HP cavalry with better stats than my own cavalry. Shoot them!

Fuckers have anti-armor maces. They practically chewed through my Equites Praetoriani! No sexy capes could save my elite soldiers.

Yeah I can't really see what's going on in this pic either, aside from the fact that the Barka are putting up a good fight.

A few last spearmen try to hold off my legionnaires....futilely.

I get bored waiting for the bodyguards to die, so I bring in the elephants. I had them fire off a volley or two into the melee, but that ended up killing a bit of my guys, so I just had them go in and gore things.

Something's not right with the numbers here....

Bae Eden is mine!

It would appear there is a Knights of St. John minor chapter house here, but since I'm not a Christian faction I can't use it to hire the Knights of St. John units. I can only let them tend to the populace as according to their mission statement.

But it would appear that conquering Bae Eden has other advantages. I gain 2 powerful artifacts that turn this man from nothing to somewhat awesome.

The Holy Lance would be the very one that pierced Jesus' side after he got nailed to the cross.

The Holy Shroud.....well seems great against sieges, and it gets more of your men standing up in the Casualties Healed department.

This video depicts some of the massacre at Bae Eden. What I really wanted to record was the hilarious voiceacting of the Elephant Rocketeers.....and people screaming from getting tossed about by elephants. Playing Total War makes you a sadist. Or at least, it's made me into one.

Edited July 25, 2011 by skitarii

[IGdood]

I was wondering, am I starting to sound like a FE villain? if so, which one?

[IGdood]

Small update. o_o

The Merchants' Quarter is an upgrade to the Great Market building. It increases tradeable goods, which is just a fancy term of "more trade income."

However, some provinces have more resources than others, so it pays to keep an eye out for them so you know which provinces can yield greater returns from your investments.

Also, Paulinus is a bastard child from one of my older generals' relationships with an adultress.

the Coaching House is an improvement upon the Tavern.

There's a barka army that's too close to Ponda Baba for comfort. Time to take it down. Reinforcement armies led by a general can be told to be commanded by the AI. This effectively allows you to greatly outnumber the enemy. Instead of waiting for these reinforcements to stream in one-by-one, the game will treat it as a separate entity rather than as an extension of your first attacking force.

To clarify, say in FE you got a 15 unit limit....maybe with 5 more able to join you as your first ones die. Instead, you get to choose those 5 guys in your reserves to get into the battle with you as the green NPC faction.

The AI army can be controlled via the small tab in the upper right corner. There are 3 stances I can choose for it: Aggressive, defensive, and shootout. Aggressive just makes the whole army charge into combat, defensive just makes it slower, and shootout just makes it keep a distance and use ranged units. However, the AI is incredibly stupid and will just make the units run around. Luckily, I'm here. Lower quality infantry in the front, Praetoriani in the back.

I'm outclassed in the ranged field, what with catapults attacking me. I've only got 1 unit of Hdar Archers. Time to advance forward.

Blue = allied units.

HOLY WHAT SHITS CATAPULT KILLED MAH GENERAL

ALL UNITS FORWARD I WANT THEIR GENERAL'S HEAD ON A FUCKING PLATTER

It doesn't help that the AI ally army charges cavalry forward before my infantry get there.

I take rather high casualties from the initial enemy charge....legionnaires can't charge for shit.

I can totally make up dialogue for these Triarii right now.

Triarii 1:"Where's the enemy?"

Legionnarii: "Behind you!"

Triarii 2: Behind who!

You!

I can't hear shit with this weird ass helmet!

AAARGH

Oh, uh, THERE!

Looks like I'll have to do it myself.!

Luckily I've got 2 Caesar's Bodyguards and some other dudes doing work

Took out those catapults....

An officer of the legionnaires took out their general. Good job, maybe you'll get promoted to general one of these days,....

SPARE NONE. KILL THEM ALL.

It's always a tear-worthy moment when you lose a general to an unlucky shot from a siege weapon.

Off to the next settlement!

The Barkha's settlements have almost no garrison in them. Their armies had gathered outside Bae Eden. Unwise move.

As a faction is defeated by losing all provinces, it's family members will then become rebels and their armies will remain. They won't have a goal to achieve anymore, but they will still attack you if they feel confident enough.

Who's next? Holy Order of Pale Knights?

The Pleasure Palace is the ultimate upgrade in the happiness-boosting buildings, heheh.

[IGdood]

With money flowing in, it doesn't take long before I manage to amass a mighty army that will crush the Order of Pale Knights.

I hired a few Otjuks....since the patch buffed their stats a little bit.

BESIEGED.

Pah, the Christians will side with their own. Mithras triumphs over all!

This Alchemy School can upgrade my gunpowder units. Thing is...the Romuli only have 2 gunpowder units...

I withdrew from that earlier siege due to a ton of Pale Knight soldiers showing up. So I kinda screwed around with them until I isolated one of their armies. ATTACK!

They don't have archers, just a ton of crossbowmen.

RACKET LAUNCHA

That's just a warm-up.

That's still a warm-up.

MACROSS MISSILE MASSACRE

URA URA URA

A few templar were trying to get at my cannon. Hdar Cavalry intercepts.

Turns out that the Legio Caesaris didn't get a new look in the patch. This unit just looks more awesome because they had an armor upgrade. You can tell by the bronze-colored shield in the unit card.

Ye may be from a future age, but the Romuli stomps all!

Most of their army is made of crossbowmen. Cavalry like eating those for lunch.

And the Matzo Ronin gallop past some Pale Knights in pursuit of the enemy.

One last cavalry charge.

It doesn't take long to before even these fanatics start routing.

What a kill ratio. Some crusaders, indeed.

No.

And suddenly the Povos de Hispania besiege one of my settlements. Well, I'll deal with you shortly after I kill off the Pale Knights.

And their fellow allies the Men of Wotan have joined them. I welcome all enemies!

They've underestimated me.

Abraxas is mine now, previously with the crusaders.

Ohohoho, they've got assassins.

Paulinus, a native of Demos, brings along his ragtag army of dogs and Ly Kan and uruk with him.

No way!

Hispania won't be lasting much longer at this rate.

Eh? That's a lot of Tahar.......archers. Easy.

After a few turns of siege, I think I'll just assault the last Pale Knight stronghold.

Bah, they cower in their town square.

Walls don't last long against the monster bombard.

INFANTRY. ASSAULT THE WALLS. By the way, the guys on the left are the Legio Caesaris with the armor upgrade.

Hammers of Christ? Don't make me laugh. They make their way to the hole in the wall.

And man the tower.

Uruks walk faster than regular humiez, and soz dey GETZ TA CHOP DEM PALE GITZ

[IGdood]

Crossbowmen on the walls? ROCKETS.

Did I also mention that Reptarii run pretty fast too?

Seems like those guys don't want to fight.

Epicness level up. C'mon, how often do you see a samurai, legionnaire, and knight on the same screen?

Ronin be ownin'.

Thou shalt not win.

Things aren't so crowded on the other side.

OKay...now that kind of hurt.

Are those maces?!

These guys are tough nuts to crack.

Whereas some of the infantry managed to fight their way to the city square.

Wow. That's some heavy casualties right there. Those knights just cut down my legionnaires like they were.....iunno...Numaris.

After awhile everyone else joined in the fray.

Screw the templars!

While the fighting continues, I decide to check out the stats of the enemy. Most impressive.

Exhausted, but continuing.

I hope you know how to aim that thing.

And we have a victory!

Begone, knights.

Holy shit, complete recovery of casualties for the Legio Caesaris. Must be that Jesus Shroud thing at work!

We made war on these guys, so I'm not going to sack them or exterminate the populace I do have standards, after all.

The Hispanics, on the other hand......EXTERMINATE. For they were the aggressor.

Hmmm...

A small elite force of mine lands and heads to the town of Romeo.

Well this doesn't look good.

SHIELD WALL.

Javelins, javelins, and lots of javelins.

Damn catapults, took out a chunk of my shield wall.

JAVELIN DUEL.

Keep that cavalry off our backs, scalies!

SHIELD WALL, FORWARD!

Cut 'em all down, you're Praetoriani, dammit!

Meanwhile the cavalry chase ranged units.

Chase chase chase ooooh HOLY FUCK WHAT ARE YOU

Some spearmen charge my reptarii. Well, things don't look too good.

Pull back, pull back, dammit!

Now I'm gonna see how long I can last. My cavalry are no match for that bodyguard unit, so all I'm doing is running around randomly cutting up ranged units and trying not to get caught.

HOLD THE SHIELD WALL.

Espadas Velhas are absolute monsters in combat. They have a whopping 12 melee attack.

What sucks is that a lot of Hispanic units have the "Can Hide Anywhere" trait. These guys just popped up out of nowhere.

Meanwhile, catapults continue throwing crap at me.

Annnnd my captain is gonna die.

[IGdood]

It takes forever to take one of these fuckers down.

Shoot at whatever, go go go!

Looks like we're managing to break them. GO!

Urgh, no use chasing these guys....

Bullets managed to take down around 10 of the bodyguards.

Then this happened.

LAST STAND. FOR MITHRAS! FOR THE CAESAR. FOR THE GLORY OF THE ROMULI EMPIIIIIIRRREEEEE!!!!

Only 1 casualty from getting charged. FUCKING SHIELD WALL YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Then...RNG Blessage happened. My guys stopped dying quickly, and even managed to take down a few bodyguard units. I noticed the timer........

Wow. Just wow.

KILL ALL PRISONERS

GENOCIDE. NOW.

Tortuga falls to a naval force, heheheh,

Paulinus moves into Romeo and bolsters its garrison.

Hispadia belongs to me now!

They really have underestimated me. Fools.

[IGdood]

Looks like the bigger you get, the amount of enemies increase with you.

The Vashta Sultanate don't seem to appreciate that I removed the Pale Knights and Barka from their vicinity, and have declared war on me.

These Tahar won't assault my settlement. They intend to starve it out. I am not going to let that happen.

Auxilia form the front line. The rest of the formation is configured to my usual one.

Well, looks like I'll be engaging multiple armies at once. Well, bring it on!

I think I'm going to send everyone out and start killing things. After all, most of the enemy are archers. Should be easy, right? I got elephants and all.

Arrow after arrow is launched at my forces. But we got big shields...casualties are minimum....mostly....

Forward! Kill!

My Tushkan Raiders sweep along, tossing javelins where appropriate, but most of the time they're carving up archers with their swords.

I had my elephant units focus fire on the Tahar bodyguard. It goes down very very quickly.

And by quick, I do mean 30 seconds.

Well, yeah, I killed their general, but the bodyguard unit is still dangerous and decides it'll fuck my line 6 times since Sunday.

I charge my elephants forward...since...well you can see the numbers. Even against archers my auxilia legionnaires are having some hard times.....stupid enemy cavalry.

Well..that one elephant unit seemed to get owned....sending in the next.

Still quite a lot of enemies...

Well, I won....somehow.

Thanks to the elephants.

Surprisingly, the Tahar pay for the prisoners I've taken. I was kinda hoping they don't pay....

See those black splotches? That's called "Devastation" Enemy armies in your land will leave these spots behind, which decrease your overall income.

Meanwhile, I take the fight to the Tahar. They've controlled most of that island to the west. I'm sure to encounter heavy resistance.

Buuut, I do have some new mercenaries.

Mesopec Archers - Shit stats all around, the only thing good about them is no upkeep when garrisoned. They don't even have the long ranged missiles trait.

Wakkanea - Our galleys are better. That is all. And only slightly more expensive too.

Mesopec Warriors - Sure, they've got 30 more soldiers....but they still suck.

Bodaway Warriors - Now this is one unit I wish to try out. Because grenades are awesome.

Aztlan Warriors - Now these guys look pretty intimidating. 15 attack is overkill. 14 defense is retty good, although they'll get their asses handed to them if they get shot.....but 2 HP!

The Vashta lifted their siege for some reason, but I'll just use that as an excuse to wipe them out too.

Fuck off, bitch. No peace for you.

Trying to fight back? We'll see how this goes....

Yeah, they initiated the battle with my smaller army...

This is a regular general's bodyguard. Not the royal family version. They kinda suck.

They try to charge my triarii with cavalry.....and so are promptly raped.

My Espada mercenaries....on the other hand...got raped by cavalry charges. Swordsmen just don't handle cavalry very well.

Well, let's see if I can use the general in an offensive manner...

Ah gee, it's that scary-mask bodyguard unit.

These 2-handers proceeded to carve apart my legionnaires like nobody's business....Sad.

Well, I've got routing forces, and the chances of me winnning the battle is pretty low. Well, maybe I can take down their general before I lose.

And the general kinda sucks in combat....he just lacks the oomph of the royals.

Tch, even the commander routs. Lovely.

[IGdood]

Well, I did manage to take down their general....and then I gave up the battle.

Unfortunately....I cannot pay.....you will be avenged, my fellow Romulans!

And vengeance begins by mass-murder.

Hehehe, got myself a Hispanic sacred artifact.

Vashta: 0 Romuli; 1

Kinda funny that they leave their settlements unguarded.

Walking around....

And I've been wandering into Valiente territory...and I actually like the mercenaries!

Free Company Musketeers - That melee attack is surprising, as well as that defense. However, they're high tech firearms units, unlike the Arcebusarii....or Jezails, who use archaic gunwpoder weaponry.

Aventuros - Armored pikemen. Don't let the stats fool you. Pikemen have a long melee reach, allowing them to poke people to death without fear of retaliation. The only things that fuck pikemen up are ranged weapons....and getting attacked from the rear or side. Still....these guys could use some discipline....

Aventuriers - Armored crossbowmen. Crossbows are slow to reload, but they pack a big punch and pierce armor.

If those Vashta attack, I wonder if I'll be able to hold all of them off.

Hmm, I thought this was Vashta territory. Turns out the Gaelic nations have secured a foothold here.

The previous Romuli army may have been defeated, but Gaius the Bastard is determined to make this one a victory. He's brought with him a mighty host of SPARTANS.

It would appear we are surrounded.

Pretty long pikes, eh?

Well, let's try to beat back that force coming from the corner.

Heheh, Spartan Hoplites with the armor upgrade wear capes.

That bodyguard cuts through my swordsmen, but I brought tons of spearmen today. ATTACK!

Remind me not to use Spartan Cavalry again. They really suck.

poke, poke, poke.

Gotcha, asshole.

Next wave of Hispanics, imminent!

Regroup!

Mostly javelin infantry....

Units, go forth!

Intercepted, sucker.

Aventuros unleash hell in the form of a pike wall to the enemy.

That Hispanic force waseasily driven off....but there seems to be more in the corner.

Some cavalry show up to abuse my archers, but they got ganged up on.

Pikemen units will set to brace when guard mode is turned on.

More rape. Harharhar.

Annnnd somehow my general gets killed.

Right before I won too....asshats.

Execute them all...FOR GAIUS.

Victory!

Eh? I won? Oh, it was when I reached 50 provinces...

Discover yet another mercenary.

Free Company Pikemen - Inferior stats, but at least they'll follow your orders.

Crusader Knights - Surprisingly the stats are a bit lower thna I expected, but that charge bonus is great!

Cog - A ship that seems better than a galley ever would.

[IGdood]

I told you there'd be heavy resistance. This looks messy.

What a colorful bunch you are....

I assume those things are the flaming beehives they're holding.

I had the other army come in as AI reinforcements...maybe they'll be more useful this time.

Well, enemies everywhere. So what to do? Get 'em before while they're still streaming in, starting with the closest one. The Aztlan Warriors....these guys seriously aren't normal humans. They run FAST.

Pah, mere skirmishers. A few cavalry and they're crying for their parents already.

On closer inspection it would appear the Aztlan are quite.....big. The unit description said they were giants but I didn't expect them to be actual giants....!

Who knew such primitives could throw grenades of such power? The range is pretty good too!

Burn, Tahar dogs!

Well, this battle is pretty easy. Just brushing off Tahar after Tahar.

Checking up on the allied army....meh, they're already winded?

A few immortals stop my lines, along with some catapults. Damn I hate Immortals.

Matzo Ronin, cut down those siege crews!

I really like that insanely high attack of theirs.

Hahahaha puny Tahar, flee before daddy!

I guess the performance of the AI allies is acceptable....

Tossing grenades into the melee is pretty fun. Until it hits your own units.

Not even archers are safe!

Mancu Warriors have sexy helmets.

Seriously, why the fuck are they everywhere!?

Most of them are just running away though, and deserve to be cut down.

They kinda remind me of Sacred Stones ogres, except much better. And faster. And more skillful.

Looks pretty good. Victory.

Pichanto belongs to us!

So does Bae Asra.

And Bae Hyra. But the Vashta aren't gone. Looks like they actually hail from elsewhere on the map....

LOL NABOO.

Another battle with the Hispanics? Alright.

The deployment zone wouldn't let me deploy me to the area that I wanted to, so I relocated as soon as the battle began.

These Renaissance-era mercenaries sure look really bright compared to the grim, dark colors of my Romulan soldiers....

This is their enemy king. He's gonna be a pain to kill. His bodyguard, even moreso.

Too bad they don't have bayonets.

A javelin throw-out commences, except the prime targets are my most colorful units. Heheh.

Somehow my Numari Jezails ran into the enemy forces and through them...I forgot to turn off Skirmish Mode for them...so they tried to evade the enemy by themselves. Anyways...I ordered them to withdraw...else they'd be dead meat anyways.

Harhar, the king charges straight into my anti-cavalry units. DIE.

About half of them are running away.

Mercenaries vs. Mercenaries?

[IGdood]

The Hispanic king charges back and forth, bouncing between units. My spearmen try to go after him, but the other soldiers are getting in the way, both friendly and enemy.

After awhile, I get pissed off enough to tell everyone to go after the king.

He slaughters a lot of my soldiers like bishops slaughtering monsters in FE 8, but my guys won't give up. They're Romulans!

"YOU MOTHERFUCKING HISPANIC GET YOUR BITCH ASS BACK HERE AND ALLOW ME TO RAPE IT WITH MY MOHERFUCKING TRIDENT YAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH"

My whole army was actually behind the camera when I took the screenshot. I couldn't stop laughing. And yes, I KNOW there's some Hispanics somewhere at the end of the map.

Well, the king ran off somewhere. Couldn't find him. So I guess we'll get ourselves back into formation and march over to the remaining enemy.

Then HE reappears, cuts up a few Tushkans and legionnaires, and gallops around harassing my forces, but making sure he isn't surrounded.

Then, he takes out 20 Praetoriani by merely CHARGING. Granted, it was from behind, but they just died touching him. SHIT.

He's really surrounded now. I send in myc avalry to keep him from escaping. He continues to OHKO my units (they just die from his sword, they don't even flinch/block/dodge)

After a minute of getting stabbed and sliced at, he finally goes down. Whew.

To my generics, this little takedown was epic enough to warrant celebrations. I dance a bit in my seat.

Well, let's keep going shall we? These guys are just easy.

CHAAARGE

What....WHAT?! Random catapult snipes my general. FUCK.

Well, this bodyguard is expendable now. Get out there and kill everyone you see!

Not bad.

For the fallen general Paulinus! KILL ALL INHABITANTS.

Wow, my royal family is dying off quite a lot. They're all getting old....like the Baby Boomer generation.

The city of Valiente also belongs to the Empire now. Hispania only has 1 province left.

That was fun.

[Rewjeo]

Shit that royal bodyguard was ridiculous. I only ever have problems killing faction HEIRS in Rome, and only because they're cowards and flee. The kings tend to stand and fight- and die.

[IGdood]

I feel ya, Rewjeo. Kings are too hardcore to break.

Why is it that the Tahar always seem to outnumber me?

But I got elephants. What COULD go wrong?

Hmm...funny, Numari units with the armor upgrade makes them look like the Tushkan...

The first few enemies are greeted with a shower of flaming beehives.

Then a few lucky flaming arrow shots and trebuchet shots probably pass some mental check on my elephants, and ALL of them begin to run amok. BEHIND my lines. I order them to commit suicide at once.

Okay.....so the odds are now against us without the elephants. Well, we'll have to rely on our general to carry the day.

Annnnd i let my general blaze through the Tahar lines (mostly Numari soldiers) until he reached the catapults.

Now regrouping and awaiting the big army to get here. Oh yeah, notice how I've placed the Mesopec Warriors in front of my legionnaires to soak up arrows, hahaahahaah.

Hashashim and Tushkans, maybe I'll get a good battle.

Archers, open fire!

Unfortunately, this time they're smart enough to shoot at my Bodaway Warriors instead of my intended meatshields, forcing them to pull back.

Still, beehives away!

I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end.

Commence melee! CHARGE!

A few beehives send them charging....in the other direction.

Then they finally pull their wits together and start fighting.

And my cavalry go chasing down their ranged units. I seriously need more cavalry in my armies...but Romuli cavalry....I don't know why, they just don't appeal to me as much as medieval knights do. I wonder why? I mean, they're more useful, with their pila.....but they got bad charging stats.

Flee, fools!

Wow, I'd thought I'd lose more men.

Unlike Empire Total War, if you lose a sally battle, the garrison is automatically killed off. Therefore, Hunahu is conquered.

This piece of news sure was lulzworthy. Seduction backfired!

I forgot to take a pic of the pre-battle screen, but I'm assaulting Naboo, the last settlement of the Hispanics. I'm too impatient to wait for them to starve.

It's kinda nice to see armor upgrades reflected visually on units. Previously, these Espada only seem to be wearing padded shirts. Now they've got helmets and chainmail.

There's 2 sets of walls I need to breach. i've got 5 sets of ladders and 2 rams. Ladders can only be used once, but the majority of the enemy are on the walls. Looks like I'll use 4, 2 on each side of the gate.

TO THE WALLS!

Hordes of hispanic infantry rush to the walls to fight off my soldiers. Arrows fly and hit my soldiers from the rear thanks to those towers.

For the time being, they've achieved local superiority on the walls.

Hmm, seems like I'm gaining the upper ground now.....

Throwing javelins at me!?

The ram finally manages to break open the gates. Now I can rush everyone else in.

The axemen retreated actually, leaving behind only these guys.

Pikemen kick major asses when you've got other troops supporting them.

Go go go!

While the gates are broken, the gatehouse itself still belongs to the enemy.....and boiling oil is poured onto my troops as they run in. Ugh.

Raping with a wooden pole.

Second ram, move out!

Ladders too.

Time to breach the inner walls.

Die, axemen!

After a long time, the gates are rammed down. Spearmen, get in there and kill the bodyguard units! Those bodyguards are huge.

Even with super-effective weapons they still take forever to go down, and each of them are perfectly capable of killing more than his weight's worth of spearmen.

Edited July 29, 2011 by skitarii

[IGdood]

My captain is killed, and my troops fight harder than ever.

This guy, I believe, is one of the faction heirs. He refuses to die.

Well, after awhile, he dies, and my troops advance, ready to kill off another king.

These axemen are just a minor speed bump. FORWARD

I win by countdown. The king survived until the end, but he's dead now anyways with us winning.

Ha, only the Aventuros had a positive kill-death ratio.

Naboo is now ours to be occupied.

Hmm...what a beaut. How much for your hand in marriage to my faction leader?

Alright, deal.

Sure he's 48, but still healthy. Somewhat.

Hmm, what should I do now....

Go after the Vashta Sultanate?

Conquer the Valiente?

Scout around?

...wait...i didn't receive a faction destroyed message regarding Hispania....they're still around somewhere!?