Let's Play FE: Corrupt Theocracy

[The Blind Archer]

I lost a bet in my chat group, that's why I'm doing this one

Alrighty then, I'm gonna be taking a shot at Blademaster's hack, Corrupt Theocracy. Sit back, relax, and read at your own risk. Creator(s) of the hack be warned, I ain't holdin' back.

Ladies and gentlemen, it. Is. SHOWTIME!

INTRODUCTION: THE INTRO TO END ALL INTROS

Note: Thanks to the image limit, this is being split into two posts.

2003? Well, that explains why I feel more energetic today.

Well, here we go! Thank you for joining me here today, I am Dei Enyt, AKA The Blind Archer, AKA "Who the fuck are you". And today, we'll be playing...

... FE7, apparently.

Well, I don't know the development status of the game, myself, so I'll give that one a pass. Let's move along and

start a new game!

Elibe... again? Sonofabiscuit.

Well, every story needs a hero. And heroes need a name that just oozes manliness and heroism.

Commencing "Virtuous Mission"...

There's a trend with Blademaster's hacks. Both this and Sun God's Challenge are introduced by Jake and Anna.

It's... an alright creator thumbprint, I suppose.

Jake, enough with the colons. My body only needs one.

Really? Thanks! I'd never be able to figure out what was happening without you two explaining every little thing that the cast is going to say!

...Oh. How... disappointing...

Wait, we're not in Elibe? I... guess that's a start, yeah.

And we're being attacked by the main villain from Darkstalkers. Are we going to meet Jedah, B.B. Hood, or Lord Raptor while we're here?

... or Jon Talbain? The dude needs more love.

See, aliens? This is why you're supposed to attack LESS-advanced civilizations. How about you start by firing a missile at Uranus?

So, Pyron's "invincible". Nope, not a Darkstalkers plot point at all.

Tell ya what. Those of you following along, lets make a game out of this. Every time I find a Darkstalkers reference,

take a shot of your beverage of choice.

We're at three right now.

"... and their friends found bestiality to be disgusting. Naturally, they wanted no part in that."

If only we could say the same of the Makai Kingdom.

Take a shot

"I say, Jameson, did you notice we've had a second sun in our sky lately?"

"Is that so, Morris? I had wondered why it felt balmy for the last century."

"FireDragon3387? Have a seat."

Some nations are created by struggles for territory. Others are created by trade. Ours? Why, we named them after

the first thing we saw!

For the rest of them, we recommend Levitra.

Hm... why does this sound so familiar... I can't quite figure it out...

As per the standards of fan-made Fire Emblems, countries are set apart by the most common classes in them.

Sounds like one of Pyron's robots got a vast sand pit named after him.

Take a shot

Nergal devolves from mad scientist to whiny nerd that most likely has a very nasal voice.

Ah, whatever. What do you have to say about Holy?

"... and they speak in the Holy tongue of Engrish."

Oh, they're world-devouring fire mages?

Take a shot

"... of Banana Republics, the Republican Party, and the Repot Depot."

What? No Heart clan? Now how am I supposed to summon Dragon Captain Planet?!

The royal bloodlines ran out of clever names as the generations passed.

They also hate conformists.

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME! Good grief, Jake, you take longer to introduce a story than George Lucas.

STATISTICS SO FAR:

Shots taken: 6

Turns taken: I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN A MAP YET!

Whew... alright, that's out of the way. Lets get to some actual GAMEPLAY, shall we?

[The Blind Archer]

PROLOGUE: MISSION START

- The Start of the Mission

Welcome to the glorious country of Repub, a renowned tourist hot-spot. Our main attractions include one lake shaped like a house laying on its side, one big patch of forest, and a completely flat landscape, save for one mountain.

Wait- oh shit. Bandits.

"It certainly is clear, Glass."

He wanted to bury him.

... so far, I've seen at least three reused portraits. This ain't a good sign.

"Lets rob people"

"Why?"

"Because."

"Can't argue with that."

"... they're back to scurr us some more! Please, save me from the scurry bandits!"

And who should answer the call, but the heroes of this story! Everyone, lets give a welcoming ovation to...

Florina, Eliwood, Marcus, and... ... wait, Bors?

http://www.youtube.com/embed/APH1LIJaq7A

Please tell me that Marcus just wants to use abbreviated names...

Dragon country, alarming? Naw, Marcus, quit being so silly~

"I should know. I've interrogated dragons my entire life. Only been burned four times."

"- Dragons is terrible. I could never catch an Ice type."

Florina must be from Holy.

Remember kids: the most important thing to do during a bandit attack is neither to run nor fight! It's to make

small-talk!

Another abbreviation. Well, guess they are in a bit of a hurry to deal with the bandits.

- BATTLE START -

"- please, save me from the scurry bandits! I'm too scurred to do anythin'!"

Ka-CHING! ... wait, is Bors a soldier?

The goal of this chapter is to find a route using our GPS. There are six turns left on our travel path before

we reach the route.

Get your shots, kids. Abbreviation fever is very contagious.

"They're here to repossess our stolen goods!"

Thanks to Mark's excellent navigation skills, we only have one more turn until we reach our destination.

DAMN! Eliwood, you've been hittin' the gym lately!

No damage while on a forest. How they stole anything is beyond me.

Wait a damn second... a Pegasus Knight, notorious for having the durability of wet paper, does 14 total damage

to a pirate by using a slim lance. Somethin' ain't right here.

... know what? Screw it. Lets be done and get out of here.

"- that someone isn't sticking to his policy on game design."

The bandits sailed here from Tellius.

Wait, why are we talking about economics to a bandit?

"You can't steal money from people. To teach you this lesson, I will give you money."

I hope he meant hostess. I could go for a twinkie right now.

And the Master of the Obvious Award goes to...

Oh, end of the chapter? Yeah, I can dig it.

Well, that's that for the prologue. What astonishing adventures will our Repub Repot Depot get into on the Dragon-Merc border next time?! Tune in to find out!

Turns this chapter: 4

Total turns thus far: 4

Edited August 5, 2011 by The Blind Archer

[Ansem]

Lawd Dei, without your commentating I would have prolly fallen asleep by now

[HF Makalov Fanboy Kai]

yeah....i admit this isn't the best hack out there.

though i enjoyed it...not sure what that says about me.

granted the first 9 or so chapters are kinda there for backstory for the real game.

storyline wise i just accepted that everyone was an new charactor and weren't the ones i've seen in the other games.

Larry being the total opposite of Legult for example.

granted considering how your an master of spriting and i'm but an lowly fan of the entire FE series...your word holds more credit.

that and i've played atleast 4 hacks better then this that i can name off the top of my head...probley more if i think about it

Edited August 5, 2011 by HF Makalov Fanboy Kai

[The Blind Archer]

And we're back! Though things had to be taken care of elsewhere, I took care of them. Like a bawss. Now, onward to...

CHAPTER ONE: THE BOY

- Who's the boy, want to be amigo?

Continuing from where we left off, Eliwood and friends were apparently given a mission, but we are unaware of the details of this upcoming conquest. As we head for the border of the Banana Republic, we are tasked with yet another operation...

And the first thing we happen upon is yet another unnatural patch of forest. Clearly, the Repub are the forerunners in deforestation for cities and roadways.

Oh flagnabbit, Jake! You tricked me! I thought the prologue would be the only time I had a mile-long exposition!

As I had suspected, they ran out of punny names, so they're just naming their kids whatever now.

This better not be a forty-year long game, Jake!

"- six of us left to translate Engrish and two of us left to make run-on sentences and..."

Do Landaxe bandits come back after you throw them?

I smell an impending heel-face turn.

I'm not sure whether I should make a joke about Pokemon Black/White, or a joke about Jello. Too much material in one screen.

Landaxe bandits, Assassin guild... do we meet the Lullaby League as well?

Oh, did I say a heel-face turn? Scratch that. I meant four.

True to Fire Emblem, bandits have trouble discerning names that are entirely different.

Alright, here we have Eliwood talking to Hector and... ... waitaminute... he didn't recycle a portrait? Am I still playing the same hack?

"- place, but he killed himself after he was beaten by a girl that hadn't had much training." Wait, does this make Original the Character a Black Fang?

... what mission?

Jello is renowned among the Landaxes for his elaborate strategies.

Alright, enough of that. Ladies and gentlemen, once again it. Is. SHOWTIME! Let's meet the team!

First, we establish Hector as being related to the star of Space Channel 5.

I don't care about Original the Character right now. I'll get a lay of the land, first.

... now, I ain't a mapper, so let me get a second opinion from some of our more seasoned topographers.

Bartre's showing up with the name "barry". That's pretty much a guarantee that he's going to joi-

... ... ... BALANCE!

Thankfully, Hector apparently knows Bartre.

What a profound explanation.

Hm...

Nope, didn't think so.

So Bartre taught Hector? Huh. That's an eye-opener.

... make that five heel-face turns.

Okay, enough of their drama. Let's move on to part two

Part two is in the following post. Freaking image limit

Edited August 30, 2011 by The Blind Archer

[The Blind Archer]

Chapter 1, part 2

Are we live? Good. Where was I again? Oh, right. What are Jello's Landaxes up to?

... BALANCE!

Normally, I'd be upset. Then again, I've taken all of maybe TEN DAMAGE between all of my units so far. I think it's time for a little payba-

Wait, what?

No, Bors didn't get weaker since we last played. Maybe if we look at the Poison Sw-

...

MOVING ON! Bartre does what he does best. Smash.

Didn't bother getting screens for the entire visit, so let me summarize: It's sob-story about starcrossed lovers, an unnamed noble and dancer. They fell in love, had a family, but the Noble traveled too much, so the Dancer took the kids and left. You'd think we'd get some memento of theirs for the visit. That's not so.

Out of the blue... we get a longbow.

Original the Character has a magic color-changing shirt.

Now, I'm not going to point out the battle palette inconsistencies here. Remember who Gelo's portrait is? Sealen. Remember who his palette-swap portrait is? It's Oleg. Now, think about that for a second. Why did I point that out here?

Because this chapter was yet another curb-stomp.

And there we go.

Huh. I was wondering where we'd get to some mention of something RELATED TO THE CHAPTER TITLE.

Dear Blademaster, Capcom games are not obscure. Please "borrow" elements from less-popular games in the future. Signed: everyone that does some sort of writing.

Street Fighter is so popular, even the Repub know about it.

... man, numbers look so out of place in the dialogue.

Dorcas, Brendan, Jacoban, and Karel?

You are terrible at law enforcement, Eliwood!

And then the boy appears out of the blue, with little mention beforehand.

So, are you Nils or Novala?

And now, we're revealed a major spoiler. Eliwood and Florina are dragons. Of course, anyone could've guessed that, thanks to, I don't know... the Star-Wars-long expose from Jake and Anna, perhaps?

Yes, Florina. He just said that.

"But I thought that's because we were the obvious love-interests for this game."

Oh thank goodness, it's the end of the chapter.

But not before we reveal that Nils/Novala is fluent in Holy's native tongue.

And that's it for Chapter One! We've met the boy, made some new friends, and curb-stomped even more bandits! Now, we are on our way to the land of Holy! Can the boy's fluency help us overcome the language barrier? Will we find the remaining Landaxe bandits? And what of this mysterious Akuma? Is Eliwood ready to overcome the Satsui-no-Hadou? Until next time, this is The Blind Archer... signing out!

... are we still live? That was your cue to cut! Shut that thing- shut the camera- shut- I said- no, just- SHUT IT OFF!

Turns this chapter: 8

Turns so far: 14

Additional shots so far: 0 (You've probably sobered up by now. I may stop that here)

Edited August 30, 2011 by The Blind Archer

[HF Makalov Fanboy Kai]

hahahaha, after beating the hack...somehow, i find this alot more enjoyful.

but yeah, first few levels are total curbstomps. ALSO Poison weapons ignore damage, just if you were wondering.

[Ansem]

I never thought a hack this bad could exist. I mean the only one to rival it is Fragmasters hack ._.

[HF Makalov Fanboy Kai]

I never thought a hack this bad could exist. I mean the only one to rival it is Fragmasters hack ._.

to me this hack was like Gurren Laggan, several moments i did enjoy followed with several moments i didn't enjoy.

i have never heard of fragmasters hack and would like to see it.

[Ansem]

Type it in the search box in rom hacking.

[HF Makalov Fanboy Kai]

Type it in the search box in rom hacking.

thank you good sir, i'll read that LP when i get the time.

[Ansem]

...its not an LP, its a hack ._.

[HF Makalov Fanboy Kai]

...its not an LP, its a hack ._.

http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=22581&hl=fragmastershack&st=0

thats the only result i got, so i'm reading it and i have to agree that fragmaster's hack is the worst hack of all time

[Parrhesia]

Poison weapons ignore damage, just if you were wondering.

He knew that. 11-1=10 and 11-18=0 aren't difficult equations.

And besides, it isn't all weapons. Just swords, and maybe bows. I definitely remember axes for whatever reason failing to operate.

[CT075]

http://serenesforest.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=22581&hl=fragmastershack&st=0

thats the only result i got, so i'm reading it and i have to agree that fragmaster's hack is the worst hack of all time

The sad thing is that I have the entire .doc file of the pirate ship sitting on my other computer. Except I'm too lazy to go get it. And the LP already died. And... well, whatever.

[HF Makalov Fanboy Kai]

He knew that. 11-1=10 and 11-18=0 aren't difficult equations.

And besides, it isn't all weapons. Just swords, and maybe bows. I definitely remember axes for whatever reason failing to operate.

whoops, forgot the other weapons

yeah the bows and axes didn't work with poison.

[The Blind Archer]

Hey! C'mon c'mon!

CHAPTER TWO: BETRAYAL

- Spah 'round here!

Who cares where exactly we left off. Time for another curb stomp.

Go away, Anna.

Mining technology has advanced significantly, allowing man to convert even the most rugged cliffside into a formidabble gate.

"That must be why I could see Marcus so clearly behind you, m'lord."

"- Serenes Forest. As a member, I am obligated to complain about arbitrary topics as they come up."

Pictured above: the average character tier discussion.

Pictured above: the average FFtF poster.

Pictured above: the average level of self-importance held by the Fire Emblem fanbase.

Pictured above: a normal person.

Blademaster, you have successfully personified the entire Fire Emblem community in just five screenshots! Give yourself a pat on the back!

We just think we're all so awesome, don't we?

And the internet rejoiced.

"Incident" is loosely used as a term for "curb-stomped bandits".

Blademaster types with the palm of his hand.

Yes. We're totally that important to gaming as a whole.

It'll be quicker for me to list the hacks that don't try to be FE4 have implied rape.

I dunno, man... Hey, anyone up to offering a second opinion?

... are you a wizard?

Oh, right! A battle! SOLDIERS! ASSUME THE POSITIONS!

Bit early for the prep screen to come into play, but whatever. I'm a bit disappointed that I'm short a head this early on, though. Now, who to ditch... Hector, or Original the Character... hm... I would get more negative response if I ditched Hector, which DOES sound tempting... but I can't stand looking at Original the Character. GOODBYE.

Now, let's rock this joi-

... What...

... the hell...

... is going on!? ABORT! ABORT!

Hitting Start right as Anna appears on screen stops that snafu... but it shouldn't even be in there. Agh!

Oh well, crisis averted. Moving on.

Yawn...

Yaaaaawn...

Yaaaaaaaaaa- wait a tic.

Clearly, going to a name archive such as Behind the Name is more effort than necessary for this project.

"-difficult finding an original name is!"

Pictured above: the average insult delivered by a FE fan.

THE CURB HATH BEEN STOMPED!

Weren't very tough? Surely you jest! I think my foot fell asleep during that fight!

Spoiler: My side is the only one that did any charging. Don't think too hard about that.

And here I thought we just finished the entire game! Thank's for informing me otherwise, fictional character!

From there we... go right to chapter select? Really? That's it? Where's the betrayal? Who betrayed who, just now? I didn't see any backstabbing happen! On the other hand, maybe the title wasn't referring to a betrayal within the plot... maybe the intent was to betray my expectations with the ending. It was short, uninformative, didn't reveal any secrets we already knew about, and Eliwood didn't give the boss any money! This is so deep... I feel utterly deceived right n- oh, right, it's done.

Turns this chapter: 3

Turns so far: Banana

Currently, it's still more fun than Do5

Edited September 24, 2011 by The Blind Archer

[Ansem]

Oh my god this is so bad its good.

Anou's turn x3

[HF Makalov Fanboy Kai]

what if someone could make an hack to be somewhat like FE4 without it...well sucking.

[Integrity]

How did I miss this last month.

[IGdood]

What the fuck it's so sucky it's funny.

[The Blind Archer]

Dodgson! We've got Dodgson here!

CHAPTER 3: FOG OF WAR

- The Mist Fights Back

And once again, we are back on the continent of Terra. Last time we were here, we were betrayed by expecting a betrayal that did not happen. However, this time the chapter name is exactly what's on the tin! For the first time in this game, the chapter title is relevant throughout! This would normally be a cause for celebration, but the Holy army is moving upon our heroes once again!

And we open with Jake, who opens with some redundancy as Jake opens redundantly.

But who cares about Jake right now? I do a much better job of summing up previous events. Now, let's go onward to-

.. Caelin? Flagnabbit, I knew this was an Elibe hack! BLADEMASTER!!!!

Soldier, if you know they're approaching, does it really mean they're taking advantage of the cover?

Well, we've come to expect FE's very own red-shirts to be little more than comedy relief at this point, so let's meet our newest guests.

And here we have Darin, the Marquess of Laus, and Eleanora, wife of Lord Elbert of Pherae. Though, in this case, Eleanora and Darin are married. How can I tell? Simple; they have the same hair color. Fire Emblem is predictable like that.

"I mean, they're not using it very well, but..."

So, there IS a Raptor playable in this! Looks like I might just have to start my shot counter up again. Let's see how this plays out.

Well gee, I wonder who that would be? ~

The obvious two-for-one deal is on it's way.

Meanwhile,

Bauker practices for his next debate session with Wire. Ol' Bauker always did have a way with words.

He heard that his buddies Paint and Marker were coming into town soon.

SILENCE! ... I KEEL YOU!

And on that wonderful note, it's time for battle!

- BATTLE START! -

Once again, I'm not allowed my full team in early game. And once again, I'm opting to ditch Original the Character.

GO FOR BROKE!

NO! NOT THIS TIME, JAKE! START START START START START!

Whew... now then, as we've discovered, this map is covered with fog. However, this time around, fog has the added nuisance of screwing with our GPS locator. Since we can't determine how many turns are left on our route, it's just a matter of going slow and asking for directions.

Well well, looks like this won't exactly be a curb-stomp today. Enemy's finally getting competent.

... nevermind.

And when the turn has come to an end...

Erik and Eagler make the scene! Huzzah!

However, it seems that Erik is dealing with some slight amnesia. He can't seem to remember the grudge he's held against Eliwood all these years.

Sorry, Holy, but your army just became the asskick-ee.

... See that, villagers!? Blunt and right to the point! We're not clogged with some pointless sob-story or filler that should be reserved for houses! They get right to the point and tell us what we're getting within moments of arriving to the village! The rest of you could learn a thing or two from this young lady!

Eliwood and Erik meet face-to-face, and...

... ... I... don't know how to react to those names. Are those even names? I just... I just don't.

... OH LOOK, A HOUSE! NOW I DON'T HAVE TO PONDER THOSE NAMES!

Suddenly I feel as if I'm watching Vietnamese Pokemon Crystal. However, this is neither fishing-fishing nor win-win

... Florina has fucking medium-awareness. Well, time to rebuild the Wall of Doom again.

Yeah, great place to spawn a Monk. Where he can't move and escape.

Hell, he might as well be unarmed. These Holy soldiers are idiots.

Eagler scoffs at your triangle advantage and bonus damage.

Good lord... Bauker is channeling Valtome. If this guy doesn't go down right this instant, we can kiss this world goodbye.

Thankfully, our red-shirts are unusually competent for a Fire Emblem.

And with that, lets move on to the ending!

Two-purple haired parents = one brown haired-kid. Blademaster, how dare you defy the rules of Japanese genetics and remember what recessive genes are!

I actually agree right here. I could stand to indulge myself in some ice-cold water, take a swim, wash up, go fishing...

... I'm confused. Are the Black Fang involved or not? I need to know if I'll be screaming at the sky again.

You mean the same soldiers you brought with you in this chapter? That's it, next chapter's already over. On to chapter 5.

Now then, Erik, why the sudden interest in tagging along?

Oh, you have a reason. Or rather, your reason has two reasons.

D'aww, ain't that the sweetest? Nothing shows love like forgetting wartime politics and going after the dame you've got the hots for, am I right folks?

And that wraps things up for Chapter 3: Chapter content is relevant to the title! Today, we've made an official alliance with the Wind Clan, and will be accompanied by the crown prince himself! What awaits us at the Water Clan? Will Eliwood secure their alliance with Lady Ulala? Will Erik fulfill his heart's desire? And will Florina's medium awareness result in her breaking through my monitor? We'll find out next time in... CHAPTER FOUR: DEFENSE!

... but before that, there's one serious note I'd like to leave everyone on.

See that? It's a cleric, in a fortress surrounded by peaks. Now, you're thinking "alright, you've got Florina, what's your deal". Well, here's my deal: if I didn't have Florina in my loadout AND all of my 2-range weapons were used up, know what'd happen here? None of my units would be able to attack. This chapter would be unbeatable. I'd be forced to restart the chapter after offing all but one Cleric that doesn't move and can't be reached, because of the loadout. And I'm not talking "my character died" forced-to-restart; players do that by choice. No, this is potentially "unwinnable by design" forced-to-restart.

This is NOT good game design.

Turns taken: 10

Turns so far: Dunno. GPS is still moist from the fog.

[IGdood]

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL MOAR

[Thor Odinson]

I thought same hair colour denotes siblings.

...Incest? outside of FE4/8?

[Integrity]

I thought same hair colour denotes siblings.

...Incest? outside of FE4/8?

Kyle and Syrene.

I REFUTE YOUR POINT