FE: Dawn of Darkness Feedback Thread

[Ansem]

i wanna see a response from her tho, even tho its really predictable

wow i' cant believe you came ,all the way to 'put my work down too, i told you already, i dont like the way' you crit my work so im going to ignore it, look at all this positive crit, this proves that my work is good, and your, wrong,

Edited December 9, 2011 by Kai

[I.M. Gei]

Simple, son, she needs more people to break into her hugbox and interrupt her circle jerk.

if you're still gonna write the ED article, start it off with "Thought to be the second coming of My Immortal..."

[Life]

I think you need to reread the few chapters you read, good sir. I realize that my later chapters are better than the earlier ones, but you're telling me so many incorrect things here that it's making me laugh.

Ike and Elincia don't meet up in the first chapter. They meet up towards the end of the second. And you really don't know the meaning of the word selfish, do you? Let me explain. Being selfish is caring about no one but yourself. Elincia is the complete opposite of that. She made sure her people were in good hands before leaving. She worried about how others would fair when they found out she was gone. She asks Azura about both Ranulf and Ike's well being. She's caring about others other than herself.

Also, the characters do have actual personalities. You're not going to learn everything about them in just a few chapters, buddy. They do attempt to get over their flaws too. Kiel makes efforts to conquer his fear of dragons, Marc tries to overcome his short-term memory loss, Lartz tries to be more outgoing, and so on. Azura will even try to get over her fear of spiders (though this won't occur for quite awhile). Ike learns to accept his fame too. This all happens fairly slowly, but hey, these things can't happen over night, you know.

As for personalities, let's see here. Skye is hot-headed and argumentative, and tends to be harsh with his encouragement. Bryan is rather sensitive, can't keep secrets well, and has a bit of a short temper, but is loyal and caring. Marc is generally kind and rarely loses his temper, but it makes him easy to take advantage of. Ike is a big blunt softie who loves food. Elincia is kind and always puts others before herself, but is also rather overprotective and pessimistic. And these are only a few of the examples of the personalities I've fleshed out/come up with.

Oh, and it's impossible for this to read like Twilight. I've never read a single one of those books or seen even one of the movies. I rarely even see the movie previews. So how could I take anything from them?

Lastly, whether or not you like long or short chapters is your opinion. I prefer long ones, so that's what I write. I know others who do as well.

I will thank you for pointing out the problem with my use of said synonyms in these first few chapters, though. I'll fix it as soon as possible.

But just because you don't like my characters, long chapters, and prefer the plot be rushed doesn't make this story bad. Plus, you've only read three out of twenty eight chapters. You can't possibly say the story sucks so soon and you can't tell me to rewrite the whole thing when you haven't read all of it yet. Also, if you're one of the people who bashed my story at Serenes Forest, please kindly leave me alone.

That's the response.

I never knew that a "fear of spiders" counts as a major human flaw. I was thinking more along the lines of being blunt in situations that require delicacy or throwing up walls against personal attacks or stuff like that.

Edited December 9, 2011 by Bblader

[eclipse]

What version of reality is she living in? There's a difference between bashing someone's story just because, and pointing out genuine flaws, albeit in a less-than-gentle way. I have half a mind to make an account and tell her that she's hurting the feelings of the people who really want to help her.

[Loki Laufeyson]

EDIT #2: Anacybele hasn't been on for a week. My fucking god, is she that insecure? Did she actually run for the hills because we told her the harsh reality of her work?

Not usually. I think this...is a new development. She would often just berate members simply for commenting on her stuff if they said something negative and it would go on for ages.

I have half a mind to make an account and tell her that she's hurting the feelings of the people who really want to help her.

My dear, you would be wasting your time.

Ranil, i have a message:

Grow Up.

[Ansem]

There's no point in trying to open up a blind persons eyes, even if you manage to, they still cant see. =/

[Tryhard]

Constructive criticism is now "attempting to piss people off".

Continue on.

[Life]

[09/12/2011 9:34:08 PM] Sonic Rainboom: I always think that they think I'm a failure if they say it's bad.

[09/12/2011 9:34:11 PM] Sonic Rainboom: I guess that's not true.

Ladies and Gentlemen, she has seen the light. Took a while but yeah.

[Dark Sage]

I feel sorry for Geoffery. He has a cunt wife.

[General Banzai]

After perusing this thread, I'm now excited to read this.

To those who either haven't touched the story or have only read the first chapter, you're complete and utter fools.

You canNOT base how well a story is written just by the first chapter.

That's what all major publishers do.

Edited February 8, 2012 by General Banzai

[Anacybele]

...Wow. Did this really continue to go on for as long as it did after I left? I can't believe how much I'm reading. And it's hilarious too. You guys are so entertaining. No really, I mean it. XD

But to be more serious, I came back because someone on DA had pointed out to me that people gave me a hard time about my fic here, and I must have completely forgotten about it, because I thought it had never happened. I'm serious, I really thought that. :P

So I came to see if it was true, and yeah, it is. And when I come back to old conflicts like these, I usually think "wow, was I pathetic back then" when I see my posts. But I find I still believe I made some pretty good points in here.

BUT. Some of my behavior was also still pathetic. And I apologize for that. Also, to prove that I did listen to some of what was said in here as well as some critique on ff.net, my co-author and I rewrote a big chunk of the first chapter of this story awhile back. It should make a lot more sense now. I also am seriously considering rewriting Elincia's flashback in the beginning as well. I've looked at it again, and it does seem pretty cheesy. No, scratch that, incredibly cheesy. Yeah, this thing is getting a big makeover. Man, my writing really was trash back then. lol

Also, from now on, I'd like for us to just ignore our beliefs about pairings and stuff and only focus on the quality of the writing. We could just agree to disagree on that matter. This also includes how in-character (or out of character) Ike, Elincia, Geoffrey, etc are. Someone from this very site, the same person that gave me that one critique review on ff.net said that that shouldn't matter since it's fanfiction and all. And I'm listening to him. So just point out things like typos, grammatical errors, and suggest things like alternate versions of sentences or such, and stuff like that.

Oh, and before I forget, since I left here, I put out three more chapters of this fic.

[Blasied]

I sincerely regret having to raise my voice here (or anywhere really) but I finally willed myself to look over the first chapter. I know that edits may happen, but Elincia leaving to chase after Ike will certainly not be changed and it's been bugging me for a while. Having recently helped a friend play part 2 of RD, it's fresh in my mind and it really is more important than people give it credit for. Elincia finding the strength and resolve to never give up her position and give her people what they deserve isn't something that only applies when the alternative is Ludveck. The welfare of Crimea is the most important thing to her, and she decides that the best way to assure that is for her to be the best queen she can be. I personally can't see her losing that development just because Renning isn't as dead as she thought and now she's free to say "well screw being queen then, let's chase Ike's arse. He has a nice arse."

But alternate character interpretations do exist. I would still suggest that you (and everyone really) read the extended script for chapter 2-E conveniently located here. And also, be warned that the justification of "it's a fanfic, they don't have to be in character" can rub people up the wrong way.

I won't be reading this or fanfic in general, so feel free to disregard me as I am not your audience.

EDIT: You can check a post for typos three times and not see one, then see all of them when you actually post it. /OCD

Edited August 19, 2012 by Blasied

[Anacybele]

I sincerely regret having to raise my voice here (or anywhere really) but I finally willed myself to look over the first chapter. I know that edits may happen, but Elincia leaving to chase after Ike will certainly not be changed and it's been bugging me for a while. Having recently helped a friend play part 2 of RD, it's fresh in my mind and it really is more important than people give it credit for. Elincia finding the strength and resolve to never give up her position and give her people what they deserve isn't something that only applies when the alternative is Ludveck. The welfare of Crimea is the most important thing to her, and she decides that the best way to assure that is for her to be the best queen she can be. I personally can't see her losing that development just because Renning isn't as dead as she thought and now she's free to say "well screw being queen then, let's chase Ike's arse. He has a nice arse."

But alternate character interpretations do exist. I would still suggest that you (and everyone really) read the extended script for chapter 2-E conveniently located here. And also, be warned that the justification of "it's a fanfic, they don't have to be in character" can rub people up the wrong way.

I won't be reading this or fanfic in general, so feel free to disregard me as I am not your audience.

EDIT: You can check a post for typos three times and not see one, then see all of them when you actually post it. /OCD

Hey, I understand. I personally believe that it doesn't make sense for Elincia not to believe Renning would give Crimea the same things she wants them to have. You're right, Elincia wants what's best for her people and Crimea and she greatly cares for them. That's why I had her decide that she doesn't think she's best for Crimea and that the best thing she could do for them is to allow Renning to rule as was and still is his right.

Also, that text you linked me to, it can't be correct. Elincia never actually visited Ike at the fort. She spoke to him privately at the castle. And some of the text where conversations DO happen is different as well. Or is this the Japanese version? Either way, you're still right that Elincia learns from this and wants to continue, but keep in mind that this is before Renning is found and that she also said that she'd give Crimea the future she thinks it deserves, no matter what the cost. Meaning, even if she really has to give up the throne, which I made happen. Things can change, you know. Even the smallest event can make a big difference. Plus, I didn't actually have Elincia decide to leave until months after RD ended, meaning a good while after Renning was actually found.

You're also right that there are different interpretations for certain things. Mine is different from that of some other people here. And some others will agree with me. So yeah.

Oh, and I definitely didn't mean to make it sound like "well screw being queen, I'll chase after Ike," or anything like that. I apologize if it came off that way. This is a reason I had revised parts of the first chapter, so Elincia would be more in-character like people told me she should be.

Oh, and believe me, I know OOCness can rub people the wrong way, even if it's reasonable. *is reminded of some of the reactions to how she treated Geoffrey in Knight in Shining Armor* xP

Thanks for your critique, and I'm going to be making further changes to the first chapter, as I've said, and I'll keep what you have ind mind while doing so. Perhaps I'll come up with further ways to explain Elincia's decision. :)

Edited August 19, 2012 by Anacybele

[Ciarre]

It's the Japanese version, translated. The English version cut some stuff out.

[Anacybele]

I thought as much, thanks for clarifying.

[Party Moth]

Alright, it's about time I sunk my teeth into this. I will be getting to the rest of the story, since I do write on and frequent fanfiction.net and usually read the 150,000+ word stories posted there. I'll probably do it chapter by chapter.

To start off: Though this is majorly an adventure novel, I see clearly from the first chapter that romance is a large factor in this story. Now, I may not delve into a lot of romance, but I do care for it enough to occasionally read it and understand that it is perhaps one of the most difficult genres to pull off well. As far as pairing preferences go, I am neither a major advocator of nor a detractor toward Ike x Elincia, though Path of Radiance has given me a soft spot for the pairing. As such, know that I will be likely focusing more toward the action plot rather than the lovey-dovey sections (though I will call out problems I see).

Let's delve into Chapter 1:

I'm going to take this section by section, if that's alright with you. This will probably end up pretty long since the feedback will likely be proportionate to the word count.

Now, to begin...I'm very pleased that you went and rewrote various sections of the first chapter. Geoffrey's new reaction with a bit of outburst and reluctance versus the version Furet and others read is a vast improvement. However, there are sections that remain unchanged in Elincia's segment of the chapter, and those segments still carry many of the issues brought up by Furet and Life (particularly the comma abuse). There are some structural issues, and some passages may need to be rewritten.

One thing about this chapter that has never rubbed me the right way is the fact that when Renning announced Elincia and Geoffrey's arranged marriage, no one stopped to communicate with each other: Geoffrey never spoke up to Renning, and neither did Elincia; Ike never stopped to ask Elincia why this was announced or why the woman he loves is suddenly marrying another man. I can see Lucia and Bastian keeping quiet for the sake of preventing Elincia into running into a rut of criticism from nobles, but this portrayal of Geoffrey baffles me in that he wants the best for Elincia yet won't speak to a man who holds much trust in him and is close to him regarding a simple misunderstanding. I know there is miscommunication amongst people all the time, but the level present in this chapter (amongst rational people of high education who spend much time together and have known each other for years, even) is beyond ridiculous. Ike leaving simply because of Elincia seems like a slight stretch as well, but that doesn't really matter too much since him departing is 100% canon (I've never liked how he sets off and abandons family and friends to begin with, especially regarding Ike and Mist's A support in Radiant Dawn, but whatever).

Unfortunately, I don't see a clear way to fix this while keeping much of the intended tension of Elincia's departure in this chapter. I can only say that you'll have to experiment to find a way to make it work.

Waiting to see Renning brokenhearted and destroyed that one of the only constants in this new Crimea he's experiencing is leaving him with an entire country to run in her place, all without saying a proper goodbye and only leaving behind a letter and Geoffrey's words. AND she took the family treasure on the way out the door. XD

Now, the paragraphs following her exit of Melior are still a little overbearing in some areas: there are a few commas that I'd remove for sentence fluency. You could also shorten up some sentences to add a bit more tension to the bear attack. However, I do like the attempt at some humor and the bit of thoughtless action in these passages (it serves to contrast the long passages of thoughts earlier in the chapter as well as compliment the transition back to brooding in Ike's perspective).

Another thing that irked me: the transition between Elincia and Ike's perspectives is...well, pretty much nonexistent. Many authors prefer to split character perspectives through new chapters if there's enough meat to both perspectives (probably why the "make the chapters shorter" suggestion was given earlier), but since you'd rather keep the chapters at the length they're at I would suggest some kind of line break to separate the scenes.

Now, Ike's scene: as mentioned above, I can't help but struggle in feeling for him since I don't feel like he even attempted to try to reconcile with her or discover the sudden change of heart. As such, I don't have much to say about this section since I have no particular feelings toward it.

Back to Elincia, the comma issues still persist, including one comma I'm sure you didn't even intend to put there.

Deciding to keep her identity of former queen to herself, Elincia, spent two more weeks aboard the ship in relative solitude until one night, when she returned below decks to turn in for the evening.

As she remained on the deck, never taking Ike out of her mind while watching the sunlight sparking off the bay and relished the salty spray of the sea, Elincia wondered how Geoffrey was doing on the matter of meeting with Renning and ending the marriage, as well as her uncle's thoughts about the letter.

In the second quote, the last comma is unnecessary. Another issue is the use of "relished" rather than "relishing", which causes an inconsistency in the sentence fragment.

As for Azura...

While it can be easier to work without the constraining hardships and structures of canon characters, creating an original character can be difficult in execution. This especially causes issues in developing protagonists and antagonists who were not in the original canon. While nothing particularly has come up yet, I do fear for how Azura will turn out character-wise. However, I'm going to save my fears and gripes for when (and if) they become necessary

Now, this sequence: I think it's really strange for Azura to call out Elincia's reason for heading to Altarais that quickly. I mean, yeah, she has green hair and brown eyes, but people in Tellius have rainbow hair; assuming this person is Elincia based on appearance alone is, well, nothing short of crazy, especially since Elincia is purposefully dressing as to hide her queenship. Instead, I'd probably have Elincia audibly note her familiarity with the Regal Sword at Azura's side, which would give Azura a much stronger basis for assuming that this stranger would be looking for Ike.

I also find that story of Ike versus the wolf king...dubious. Just a tad dubious. Especially since Nailah notes that without Rafiel's help (and he's only crossed once with Nailah during the events of Radiant Dawn), it would be suicide for the wolf king to leave and cross the Desert of Death with no guide. And, if it did happen a month after Path of Radiance, why was Ike there of all people? In Daein? And how would this not become widespread since no one knew about the wolf laguz until Nailah and Volug crossed? Unless you're purposefully making this an important plot point (like, the wolf king was really from across the sea at Altarais), the whole incident seems illogical.

As was also mentioned earlier, you could do with reducing the amount of "Elincia gushed, Azura remarked, Elincia finished, Azura replied" when a conversation is only being held between two characters. The readers should be able to occasionally keep track of who's speaking.

Almost finished! Goodness, this is a long read.

Elincia running off from Azura and leaving her behind seems like a bad idea to me, personally. I mean, leaving Azura outnumbered when she could reasonably help seems like a bad idea, especially to run off in a land where she has absolutely no idea where she is or how to find help. And if they're in no hurry to find Ranulf (he tends to return to town a lot, as mentioned by Azura), then couldn't Elincia at least stop to deal with the bandits? Just something that came to mind.

Alright, that wraps up my thoughts for Chapter 1. At this point, I'm mostly wondering what the main plot is, and why I should keep reading. Unless the whole story is Elincia chasing after Ike to reunite with him, I don't exactly see this chapter as a strong representative of and/or an incentive to see the further plot. Nonetheless, I will go on to Chapter 2.

Also, though I'm mostly pointing out things to improve upon, there are certainly plusses to the writing. It's just that I'd rather focus on what should be addressed in order to improve it. All in all, I hope this proves helpful to you.

EDIT: Just discovered the whole "wolf incident" is detailed in your side story, "Ashes of War". Disregard some of that up above pertaining to it, though I still find the whole thing a little odd (but that's not in this story so I'm not going to press it any further).

Edited September 15, 2012 by Duels at Dawn

[Anacybele]

Alright, it's about time I sunk my teeth into this. I will be getting to the rest of the story, since I do write on and frequent fanfiction.net and usually read the 150,000+ word stories posted there. I'll probably do it chapter by chapter.

Okay, fair enough.

To start off: Though this is majorly an adventure novel, I see clearly from the first chapter that romance is a large factor in this story. Now, I may not delve into a lot of romance, but I do care for it enough to occasionally read it and understand that it is perhaps one of the most difficult genres to pull off well. As far as pairing preferences go, I am neither a major advocator of nor a detractor toward Ike x Elincia, though Path of Radiance has given me a soft spot for the pairing. As such, know that I will be likely focusing more toward the action plot rather than the lovey-dovey sections (though I will call out problems I see).

Romance is a factor, yes. After all, pairings are a big thing in FE to begin with. But I wouldn't say it's a large factor. Ike and Elincia get a few chapters of romance. Four other major pairings in the story (all of which are entirely OC aside from Ranulf and the girl I'm pairing him with, which is an OC) get a couple to a few chapters as well. Yet, this story will be 50-55 chapters in the end. Action, adventure, and mystery are all bigger factors in this fic than romance. Just to clarify.

And I take on the challenge of writing romance because I enjoy it and so I can become an excellent writer.

Let's delve into Chapter 1:

I'm going to take this section by section, if that's alright with you. This will probably end up pretty long since the feedback will likely be proportionate to the word count.

Mkay, that works. Keep in mind though, that the quality of the writing actually gets better over time. None of my reviewers have disagreed with this so far. xP

Now, to begin...I'm very pleased that you went and rewrote various sections of the first chapter. Geoffrey's new reaction with a bit of outburst and reluctance versus the version Furet and others read is a vast improvement. However, there are sections that remain unchanged in Elincia's segment of the chapter, and those segments still carry many of the issues brought up by Furet and Life (particularly the comma abuse). There are some structural issues, and some passages may need to be rewritten.

My co-author does tend to overuse commas, I agree. That's his only problem, imo, but trust me, there are usually even more commas in his version than the final one. lol

And I'm glad you think I improved the chapter a lot. I plan to rewrite Elincia's flashback in the beginning as well. I've realized how cheesy it really is. lol

One thing about this chapter that has never rubbed me the right way is the fact that when Renning announced Elincia and Geoffrey's arranged marriage, no one stopped to communicate with each other: Geoffrey never spoke up to Renning, and neither did Elincia; Ike never stopped to ask Elincia why this was announced or why the woman he loves is suddenly marrying another man. I can see Lucia and Bastian keeping quiet for the sake of preventing Elincia into running into a rut of criticism from nobles, but this portrayal of Geoffrey baffles me in that he wants the best for Elincia yet won't speak to a man who holds much trust in him and is close to him regarding a simple misunderstanding. I know there is miscommunication amongst people all the time, but the level present in this chapter (amongst rational people of high education who spend much time together and have known each other for years, even) is beyond ridiculous. Ike leaving simply because of Elincia seems like a slight stretch as well, but that doesn't really matter too much since him departing is 100% canon (I've never liked how he sets off and abandons family and friends to begin with, especially regarding Ike and Mist's A support in Radiant Dawn, but whatever).

Simply put, nobody wanted to hurt Renning. He was very happy and excited. I would be quite reluctant to tell him he'd made a huge mistake if I were Elincia or Geoffrey. Would you really want to go and destroy that kind of happiness? Plus, Elincia had little choice. With Ike gone, Geoffrey is her only realistic option for a husband, and if she remained queen, which Renning and others really expected, she would eventually need to produce an heir, or at least make an attempt to.

As for Ike, you'd be amazed at what crazy decisions depressed people make. He got suicidal and could not think straight, as I wrote in A Mercenary's Tale. It would explain why he just up and left everyone he cared for without a second thought. He was too depressed, too upset, and perhaps angry at himself that he did and almost did some stupid things. Ranulf went along with him to give him company and support, and to hopefully help him recover. And if I just found out the man I loved and was dating for years was marrying another woman, I'd want to drop off the face of the earth too.

Waiting to see Renning brokenhearted and destroyed that one of the only constants in this new Crimea he's experiencing is leaving him with an entire country to run in her place, all without saying a proper goodbye and only leaving behind a letter and Geoffrey's words. AND she took the family treasure on the way out the door. XD

To be honest, I'm actually going to have Elincia send Amiti back to Renning at the end of the story. xP Along with it, she'll send invitations to him, Geoffrey, Lucia, and Mist for hers and Ike's wedding.

Now, the paragraphs following her exit of Melior are still a little overbearing in some areas: there are a few commas that I'd remove for sentence fluency. You could also shorten up some sentences to add a bit more tension to the bear attack. However, I do like the attempt at some humor and the bit of thoughtless action in these passages (it serves to contrast the long passages of thoughts earlier in the chapter as well as compliment the transition back to brooding in Ike's perspective).

Maybe, yeah. And thanks on the good parts.

Another thing that irked me: the transition between Elincia and Ike's perspectives is...well, pretty much nonexistent. Many authors prefer to split character perspectives through new chapters if there's enough meat to both perspectives (probably why the "make the chapters shorter" suggestion was given earlier), but since you'd rather keep the chapters at the length they're at I would suggest some kind of line break to separate the scenes.

Blame ff.net and MS Word for that. I've actually not been able to find a way to show the transition without the stupid site deleting it for some reason or MS Word fucking up the way the paragraphs look. >_<

Now, Ike's scene: as mentioned above, I can't help but struggle in feeling for him since I don't feel like he even attempted to try to reconcile with her or discover the sudden change of heart. As such, I don't have much to say about this section since I have no particular feelings toward it.

Like I said, Ike was so wrapped up in his depression that he didn't think before he acted. Plus, he regrets leaving anyway, and believes that it's too late to do anything now.

Back to Elincia, the comma issues still persist, including one comma I'm sure you didn't even intend to put there.

Yeah, that first one is a typo. lol

In the second quote, the last comma is unnecessary. Another issue is the use of "relished" rather than "relishing", which causes an inconsistency in the sentence fragment.

I see.

While it can be easier to work without the constraining hardships and structures of canon characters, creating an original character can be difficult in execution. This especially causes issues in developing protagonists and antagonists who were not in the original canon. While nothing particularly has come up yet, I do fear for how Azura will turn out character-wise. However, I'm going to save my fears and gripes for when (and if) they become necessary

Fine, but I've been told that I create good characters and none of them have gone Mary Sue/Gary Stu. My characters did use to be crap though. For example, the first fan OC I ever made, Kelli, who is for the Zelda series, was terrible before I made a lot of changes to her, lol. Now people think she's interesting. I have about 8 years of experience writing fiction and fanfiction. So yeah.

Now, this sequence: I think it's really strange for Azura to call out Elincia's reason for heading to Altarais that quickly. I mean, yeah, she has green hair and brown eyes, but people in Tellius have rainbow hair; assuming this person is Elincia based on appearance alone is, well, nothing short of crazy, especially since Elincia is purposefully dressing as to hide her queenship. Instead, I'd probably have Elincia audibly note her familiarity with the Regal Sword at Azura's side, which would give Azura a much stronger basis for assuming that this stranger would be looking for Ike.

Azura could've had more reasoning to suspect that the stranger was Elincia. I just didn't elaborate. I wanted to keep things simple here.

I also find that story of Ike versus the wolf king...dubious. Just a tad dubious. Especially since Nailah notes that without Rafiel's help (and he's only crossed once with Nailah during the events of Radiant Dawn), it would be suicide for the wolf king to leave and cross the Desert of Death with no guide. And, if it did happen a month after Path of Radiance, why was Ike there of all people? In Daein? And how would this not become widespread since no one knew about the wolf laguz until Nailah and Volug crossed? Unless you're purposefully making this an important plot point (like, the wolf king was really from across the sea at Altarais), the whole incident seems illogical.

Firstly, I came up with that Ike vs wolf king story before I knew RD existed. Second, you'd have to read the actual short story that this incident occurs in (Ashes of War).

As was also mentioned earlier, you could do with reducing the amount of "Elincia gushed, Azura remarked, Elincia finished, Azura replied" when a conversation is only being held between two characters. The readers should be able to occasionally keep track of who's speaking.

True. I do reduce that in later chapters.

Almost finished! Goodness, this is a long read.

Heh, brace yourself. The chapters only start to get longer later.

Elincia running off from Azura and leaving her behind seems like a bad idea to me, personally. I mean, leaving Azura outnumbered when she could reasonably help seems like a bad idea, especially to run off in a land where she has absolutely no idea where she is or how to find help. And if they're in no hurry to find Ranulf (he tends to return to town a lot, as mentioned by Azura), then couldn't Elincia at least stop to deal with the bandits? Just something that came to mind.

There's only three bandits. Elincia kills one. Leaving Azura against two. Lyn was against two in the prologue of her game. I don't see what I did wrong here. xP

Alright, that wraps up my thoughts for Chapter 1. At this point, I'm mostly wondering what the main plot is, and why I should keep reading. Unless the whole story is Elincia chasing after Ike to reunite with him, I don't exactly see this chapter as a strong representative of and/or an incentive to see the further plot. Nonetheless, I will go on to Chapter 2.

Nope, Elincia chasing after Ike isn't the whole story. In fact, she reunites with him late next chapter. I like to start stories with the lives of the characters and then get into the plot. It's one reason I liked PoR so much. It started simple, with the GMs doing some jobs, then we find out OMG Daein and Crimea at war!!

Also, though I'm mostly pointing out things to improve upon, there are certainly plusses to the writing. It's just that I'd rather focus on what should be addressed in order to improve it. All in all, I hope this proves helpful to you.

But of course. Thanks. :)

EDIT: Just discovered the whole "wolf incident" is detailed in your side story, "Ashes of War". Disregard some of that up above pertaining to it, though I still find the whole thing a little odd (but that's not in this story so I'm not going to press it any further).

Yeah, as I said, I came up with that story before I knew RD existed, so I'm not surprised if someone is confused at first. I clear things up later when Kiel and Sara, the wolf siblings Ike befriended in Ashes of War, return for the quest in DoD.

Edited September 15, 2012 by Anacybele

[Party Moth]

Fair enough. To each their own, I suppose.

The wolf thing makes a whole lot more sense with that in mind. Once again, disregard my comments toward it.

As for the scene breaks, I do believe that Fanfiction.net's editing options include a line break that you can insert into the writing. That should help with the scene shifts since the site does accept its own line breaks. XD

Also, only three bandits? The number of them was never mentioned, only a "group" of them that had appeared. "Ring-leader" tends to denote a larger group, so I was under the impression of at least five or six of them. You might want to mention how many there are in the story if that's the case.

I'll get around to Chapter 2 later tonight. (I'm doing this here rather than Fanfiction.net because I don't have that pesky 8,000 character limit that wouldn't suffice for a good review of something this length)

[Anacybele]

I didn't mention the number of bandits? lol oops. I kinda should have, I guess. xP

But I did want to make it seem like DoD would be difficult if it were a game.

And alrighty. I should also point out that for some reason, whenever I type "?!" at the end of some dialogue, ff,net deletes the "!" part. I have no idea why. >_>

[Life]

I'm back to crucify this a second time. A little nicer this time since I'm hoping that you might take the advice.

I just looked over the first chapter again. Where was this rewrite you mentioned? Looks the exact same as the last time I read it. Still too many commas and sentence structure is pretty poor. Let's get specific, shall we?

The memory of the man she loved kept ringing through Queen Elincia's head as she sat in her bedchambers within Castle Crimea. That had been her first kiss, in the moonlit castle gardens under the stars.⁶ It had been, admittedly, clumsy and awkward at first.¹ This didn't bother Elincia overmuch; if anything, she enjoyed the underlying revelation that she was his first love as much and he was her first. Their time together had been scarce, brief moments of joy stolen from the business of ruling Crimea and leading the war effort, but they were always worth the wait.² After having lost so much, her parents and his, and enduring so much, two wars against unspeakable evil and seeing so much misery and death, their time together had allowed them to get something back and a shred of happiness that lightened their burdens and gladdened their hearts.³ But, even that was now denied.⁴ This train of thought reminded Elincia of a poem Bastian had been reading lately. She couldn't remember the poet's name, nor the exact quote, but it was about how there was no greater misery than to remember, with bitter regret, a time of pure happiness.⁵ Since her lover's departure, Elincia felt the truth of this every day.

This is a pretty poorly written paragraph since I have no reason to finish it (I get bored halfway through). I'll separate syntax and content into different categories.

Syntax: I numbered every single sentence that reads awkwardly. (1) shouldn't have the word "admittedly" in the middle of the sentence. It reads really badly. Putting "Admittedly" at the start of the sentence would work a lot better. (2), (4) and (5) prove that you need to review your comma rules. The word "but" should never be followed by a comma. Ever. (3) is far too long and actually forces me to reread the sentence to make sure I don't get confused. Why? Because it's far too wordy. (3) and (6) also have extra commas where they're not needed. The problem is the sentences seem to need them because you haven't used proper sentences (no predicate). I also think that you should have started a new paragraph after (4).

Your syntax problems boil down to this:

1) Your grammar is shit. Learn your comma rules, sentences are far too awkward.

2) You use 1000 words when 10 will suffice. In short, stop the run-on sentences.

3) You enjoy using sophisticated words without them actually needing to exist.

Content: On the content side, I'm very bored by what's written here. (1) is completely redundant because I've already been told numerous times already that Ike's never kissed a girl. I don't need to be beaten over the head with it. The next 4 or so sentences scream about Ike/Elincia shipping which is fine but like I said, the amount of effort you take for me to understand that "yeah, she likes him and he likes her" is like beating a dead horse. It's pointless and wastes both time and energy.

How to fix the paragraph? Content-wise, stop telling me exactly what happens. Let my mind wander a bit. Saying "E loves I, I loves E and that's the way it'll be" means that I have no reason to keep going with the story. I already know how it's going to play out. Syntax? I said the same thing a year ago and I'm repeating myself now. Learn your grammar rules and enough of the run-on sentences. You could also use some plain speaking. Here, I'll rewrite the paragraph for you myself.

Elincia snapped to from her daydream. OK, so maybe the kiss with Ike was a bit awkward at first. Did it really matter? He was her first love and she was positive that the reverse also held true. The problem was that neither got to see each other most days. Ike traveled in his circles while Elincia had been Princess and tended to by her royal retainers. No matter how much they had in common, the pair just could not make enough time in their days for the other. And since the day Ike left the kingdom, Elincia felt even more depressed than before.

It reminded her of a poem. She couldn't remember who wrote it or the name or anything, just the fact that Bastian used to recite it every now and again. Something about how the greatest misery came from remembering the happiest moments in life. Pretty ironic but Elincia couldn't help feeling as if it was completely true.

Look. I'm not a creative writer at all. If anything, I do essays and stuff since my forte is reading and analyzing. But I guarantee that my take on your paragraph reads a lot more smoothly than yours.

Now I could take a paragraph from the last chapter written and do the same thing but that would take me a long time. That being said, I can easily do it if you start bothering me with excuses about how this is the first chapter and you didn't see that line and... well, whatever excuses you're prone to making. I'm giving you criticism because you asked for it and you returned. In fact, you also flaunted your story in the FE10 forum so I figured I might as well check it out again. So there are your mistakes. You want to be taken seriously? Fix them.

EDIT: I took this from the page where you host the story, not the version posted here. Just so you know.

Edited September 18, 2012 by Life

[Anacybele]

It looks the same because you're not reading the part I rewrote. The rewritten section is later. I never said I rewrote the ENTIRE chapter.

Also, I wouldn't call your post nice. "Your grammar is shit" is rude. Not to mention my school teachers, including the ones from college, always told me I had excellent grammar. Oh, and like I said, my co-author is the one that likes to abuse commas. I actually delete a few here and there, so there's usually even MORE of them before the final version of a chapter is posted. I'll be sure to delete more of them next time if need be. I don't want to be rude to my co-author, but I do this in hopes that he sees that I think he uses too many commas.

All in all though, I agree with you that some of those commas that are there now are unnecessary and I can see how some of your points are true. I'll fix things up when I have the opportunity.

[Life]

It looks the same because you're not reading the part I rewrote. The rewritten section is later. I never said I rewrote the ENTIRE chapter.

Well, there's your issue right there. You should have rewritten the entire story, never mind chapter.

Also, I wouldn't call your post nice. "Your grammar is shit" is rude.

It may be rude but it's also true. That writing is atrocious.

Not to mention my school teachers, including the ones from college, always told me I had excellent grammar.

Then you had terrible teachers who never understood English grammar. Just because they had low standards doesn't mean that the rest of the world does too.

Oh, and like I said, my co-author is the one that likes to abuse commas. I actually delete a few here and there, so there's usually even MORE of them before the final version of a chapter is posted. I'll be sure to delete more of them next time if need be. I don't want to be rude to my co-author, but I do this in hopes that he sees that I think he uses too many commas.

This is an original excuse. I never knew that there was a co-author who helped from Chapter 1. In fact, I wasn't aware that there was a co-author at all. I was under the impression that this was only your work, mostly because of you bragging about it.

I will also call bullshit on the commas because of the grammar mistakes I've just highlighted. YOU don't know how to use commas.

All in all though, I agree with you that some of those commas that are there now are unnecessary and I can see how some of your points are true. I'll fix things up when I have the opportunity.

You don't get it, do you? It's not just the commas that bother me. It's the sentence structure. It's the love for a thesaurus when it's not needed (a mistake I made early in my writing career). It's the winding sentences that seem to have no end. And other sentences which just confuse me due to switching topic mid word.

The entire chapter needs to get rejigged from scratch.

[Anacybele]

Well, there's your issue right there. You should have rewritten the entire story, never mind chapter.

No. I've already put out 32 fucking chapters. There's no way I'm rewriting ALL of that. Also, you've only read the first chapter. You cannot legitimately say the whole story needs rewritten. How do you know that the quality of the writing doesn't get better over time?

Then you had terrible teachers who never understood English grammar. Just because they had low standards doesn't mean that the rest of the world does too.

I don't see how COLLEGE teachers can be so terrible.

This is an original excuse. I never knew that there was a co-author who helped from Chapter 1. In fact, I wasn't aware that there was a co-author at all. I was under the impression that this was only your work, mostly because of you bragging about it.

Now you know. Also, I don't brag.

You don't get it, do you? It's not just the commas that bother me. It's the sentence structure. It's the love for a thesaurus when it's not needed (a mistake I made early in my writing career). It's the winding sentences that seem to have no end. And other sentences which just confuse me due to switching topic mid word.

I like the sentences this way. It's a combination of my style and my co-author's and we really like it. Deal with it.

The entire chapter needs to get rejigged from scratch.

As I said before, no.

Edited September 18, 2012 by Anacybele

[Sunwoo]

Okay, I'm going to read through this story when I have time to see what I can find that may need help. But for now, Anacybele, try to at least listen to Life. Ignore the tone of his posts and look at the MESSAGE he's trying to get across.

[Anacybele]

Sorry, but I refuse to listen to someone who is downright rude to me. Also, the only message I see is "lol your grammar and writing sucks, rewrite this shit."

Keep in mind that I did write these chapters years ago, though. My skills have improved by miles since then.

Edited September 18, 2012 by Anacybele