Pokemon Emerald Abridged

[Jedi]

If only Marill had aqua tail by this point... Nice update James, the battle with may was quite awesome and your commentary was great as ever

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 7: Dewford Town

[spoiler=Garp's Boat]

The last time I checked, I don't give a shit about your bird.

That's what I came for, right?

Yeah. I'm doing some errands for Pablo Escobar Mr. Stone.

Squadala! We are off!

On the boat...

You cannot access this route or the routes between Dewford and Slateport until you get Surf.

Calling Norman...

I'm on Garp's dinghy.

Yeah. The don gave me a phone so that we could stay in contact if I ever need to do more errands for him.

Now kindly hang the fuck up.

This could be useful later on.

Thanks for the ride, mate.

[spoiler=Dewford]

Tiny is right. Only three houses, not including the Pokemon Center or the Gym.

No shit, Sherlock. There's only three houses on this island!

Sure. I like fishing. I used to fish as a kid IRL.

Now introducing, the Fishing Guru's latest state-of-the-art...

**hears crickets chirping**

I don't need your advice, slaphead.

Fishing for Dummies.

I would've been bored to death of living on a small isolated island.

What's wrong with the men in the big city? This place sucks!

I've always wanted to live by the sea, as well.

I'm here to deliver dope to someone named Steven.

Isn't he the gym leader here? So obviously, I should fight him soon.

I'm not really interested in accessories like scarves, but I now have a silk scarf. What this item does is that it raises the base power of Normal-type moves by 10%. Honestly, 10% isn't anything to get a boner over. Deposit it like any other type boosting item.

This kid is talking about memes.

No, and why would I care?

Uh, ha ha. No. Seriously. 'Less Group' is supposedly gay.

Changing this trendy phrase to the closest thing to pornography I can say with the Pokemon Word Bank.

Hehe. I got the whole town hooked on porn.

Damn straight, mate.

Can't agree with you more, mate.

[spoiler=Dewford Hall]

And I can't imagine life without Free Adult Source.

It's hard to teach something like a Poochyena about porn.

What kind of fuck question is that?

Well, you can find pornography all across the internet.

Yeah. Check up Redtube, ya dirty old man.

Basically, a party where people are jerking off.

Oh, this wanker is liking the idea of that!

You mean, who can reach orgasm the fastest?

This is what we call 'pornography addiction'.

Wait... how did you get your mitts on that sort of stuff? You don't even look like you're 18.

Let's see, he has blow-up dolls.

He likely has latex bondage suits.

Is he a subscriber to Hustler?

Aw, I wanted some of his swag, as well.

You will be glad to know I won't be doing something like this again for a long time.

[spoiler=Beach]

Protip: If you gotta take a shit, rush to the nearest latrine and take that shit.

Wow. Something other than a Magikarp. I'll explain Tentacool once I find him in the wild.

Eh. Not complaining.

Either or. I really couldn't give two fucks about where I fish.

As well as the two you see here, he has an identical Magikarp.

I can't agree with you more. I like you. Tabbed.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Mercenary James

[Jedi]

Congrats you were able to hook a whole town on adult comics.. Don't you feel like a monster

[Ema Skye]

Nice work James with the trendy saying. Wonder where they're going to get those Adult Comics now.

ITT: James plays an 18A version of Pokemon.

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 8: Dewford Cave

[spoiler=Hiker Convo]

No. Not really. This isn't Gen 1.

Steven went through here? So where the fuck is he?

So you're just going to part with your Flash HM? Sounds fine with me.

Thanks for the free HM.

Flash is god awful. All this move does is lower accuracy with a 70% success rate. Not something that you want to teach to one of your main dudes as they will be stuck with it until Lilycove.

Basically, Flash will illuminate a significantly larger portion of a dark cave. It's really not all that useful since you can see somewhat ok without it, though I guess the ability to spot Victory Road trainers before they spot you is also useful.

And you need Brawly's badge before you can think of using it out of battle.

[spoiler=New Pokemon]

Makuhita: The first fighting type that you can catch at this point in the game. He boasts incredibly high HP and attack, but the defenses and speed are pretty dreadful. Being stuck with Vital Throw until Sootopolis also sucks donkey cock, though thankfully, he's bulky enough to make use of it.

Zubat: When you go in caves, these assholes are fucking everywhere. Anyway, Zubat is very unimpressive until he evolves since most of his movepool sucks before then. Crobat is pretty good, yes, but I'm not 100% sure that the 15 or so levels of mediocrity are worth it.

Geodude: The rock and ground types rule the midgame, and Geodude is no exception. Like most rock types, his forte is attack and defense, with poor speed and special defense. However, a double water weakness and a trade evolution pretty much dooms him lategame.

Aron: See Geodude, but with Steel/Rock typing instead of Rock/Ground. His defense is just godly. He does have several crippling flaws: Low speed, typing that renders him double weak to Hikers and Black Belts, and a generally shitty STAB selection.

Sableye: Ghost/Dark typing is very interesting indeed as the typing has no weaknesses under normal conditions. Ghost typing also makes him super clutch against Brawly, but after that, Sableye has seen his days.

[spoiler=Shit that happened]

Found this little bastard while searching for Arons. Caught him and named Dudebro.

Nature's not too crippling, but I was hoping to get Rock Head. Such is life.

Teaching him Rock Tomb because he doesn't get any other Rock STAB otherwise. Oh yeah, in care you are wondering how I got 2 Rock Tomb TMs, I used VBA Link to trade with myself, transferring my TM from the .sa2 file to the .sa1 file.

Got rid of Tackle since Mud-Slap might still have some usefulness against steel types, though the damage sucks on MS even with SE. I'd ironically be just as well off with using Rock Tomb as a NVE RT only has 2.5 less power than an SE MS.

You cannot get up this hill without a Mach Bike. I'm pretty sure that the prize is a rare candy, but I'll have to come back after I get Surf and the Mach Bike.

Ii's not too often that I ever get inaccurate moves like Rock Tomb to hit on the first use.

Come back here once you have Rock Smash. You can get a shitty Pokemon called Nosepass here.

Found an everstone while spelunking in this cave. This handy item, when held, prevents a Pokemon from evolving. Useful if you want a Pokemon to learn a move earlier, but can't be assed to press the B button.

Dudebro's first level.

Raven and Bridget also gained levels here, since I felt this was a good time to train them.

[spoiler=Steven]

That's funny. All I found was this everstone.

Your father, the drug kingpin, told me to give this to you.

And now, I get my just desserts.

Hey cool. A TM.

Anyway, Steel Wing is a moderately powerful steel type move that has a 10% chance of raising the user's defense. Unfortunately, Aron cannot learn it, but a certain metal bird certainly can!

Of course I will! What's the point of the game if I can't reach the championship, rite?

This Steven chap might be useful later on, so let's tag him in my phone

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 8x: Dewford Gym

Type Specialty: Fighting

Recommended Types: Flying, Psychic, Ghost

Unrecommended Types: Normal, Rock, Dark

Advice: Pack a flying or psychic typed Pokemon, as those are super effective on fighting. If you either have Ralts or Taillow in your party, like a sane man should, you are pretty much set. If you want to make this gym SUPER-DE-DUPER easy(defensively, anyway), grab a Sableye from the Dewford cave. Thanks to his ghost typing, none of the Pokemon here can lay a hand on him, which is pretty hax(on the other hand, Night Shade tends to do really crappy damage, on average, 4-5HKOing enemies here, assuming Lv10.)

[spoiler=Intro and Clyde]

Fun fact: Brawly was originally going to be named Broly. Too bad Akira Toriyama beat GF to the punch.

Unlike those sissy Geodudes you were fighting last gym, the Machops and Makuhitas you will face here are more durable type wise.

Fighting types will also majorly hurt Rock, Ice, Dark, and Steel types. Fighting has a lot of type coverage by itself. Pairing it with something like Rock can prove devastating.

Oh yeah. The perpetual darkness does suck. Clyde has a point.

Basically, as you beat trainers, the room illuminates ever so slightly. And you can't use Flash in here... not that you can use it WITHOUT THE BADGE YOU GET HERE!

Anyway, for reasons prescribed in the last info box, I'll be mainly using Bridget, with Raven for backup in case things go south(Dudebro is useless here)

[spoiler=Gym Trainers]

Cheap talk coming off a bitch like yourself!

Anyway, this is Meditite. Since Meditite isn't available in Emerald, I'll give you a memo: This thing has huge attack power thanks to its ability, and is very fast for this point in the game. It is also Fighting/Psychic, so Psychic only has normal effectiveness against it(thankfully, I still 3HKO it... well 2HKO since it hurt itself in confusion.)

Of fucking course. It's pitch black in this room!

Ok, I really don't have much to say...

This is real interesting. A double fight with a Meditite and Machop. This is why I put Dudebro in the back.

Hey! Someone I can finally relate to!

Machop might be decently strong for this point in the game, but Ralts pretty much makes short work of it.

Nice level.

Teleport get!

You aren't even worth battling, but since I want exp, I may as well.

Fun fact: I killed this thing in one hit. And here I thought Makuhita was a bulky motherfucker.

I like your style, but it is I who will crush you! I have an insurmountable level lead on you ON TOP of a type advantage.

Her Meditite is identical to the one we faced in the beginning of this joint.

[spoiler=Brawly]

"AND YOU'RE GONNA BE HURTIN', ALL! TOO! SOON!"

Apparently, Brawly knows the concept of level grinding.

Show me your moves! Falcon PAWNCH!

Boss: Brawly

Pokemon: Machop Lv16, Meditite Lv16, Makuhita Lv19

Difficulty: 5/10

Money Obtained: $1900

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U93UZSOaInE

Decent.

Knuckle Badge get!

This nifty trinket will cause any traded 'mon up to and including Lv30 to call you master.

Again, Flash isn't super useful or anything like that.

Bulk Up get!

Bulk Up is a move that raises attack and defense by one stage. It's sort of like Curse except that it doesn't lower speed. If you have a strong physical sweeper that can learn this, by all means.

Tabbed.

Protip: Sudden bursts of light really fuck up your eyes.

And that's a wrap.

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 9: Pismo Beach

[spoiler=Announcement]I AM BACK, BABY!!!

[spoiler=Garp's dinghy]

Yes, Garp. I already know.

And HERE WE GO!

Totally need Surf to even dream of plundering this sunken pirate ship. There's some real nice booty in that ship.

Oh right. The cocaine. I need to deliver this shipment of cocaine powder in order to progress.

[spoiler=Slateport Beach]

I so wish kicking their sand castle was an option right now. Because I don't like kids.

Soft Sand get. Basically a silk scarf for ground moves.

Yohohoho! Good fucking luck with that. And I am not interested in your games. **kicks sand castle**

Have you tried Port Royal? That place is the best! Well, if you want to dive 200 feet under the damn ocean...

Standard sailor fare. Don't use rock types here. Seriously.

Did you by chance eat a Devil Fruit?

Mostly easy prey for growing 'mons. Again, put your damn rock types away.

Nice.

Fun fact: Soda is actually not a really good option if you are severely dehydrated.

Another Zigzagoon. You may want to stay your Geodudes; he has Surf.

Tabbed just because.

It looks like a big fucking parasol, you little shit.

How fucking retarded can these kids get?!

lol. Tentacool doesn't have anything to threaten you with beyond a 30% chance to poison you and Azurill is pure unadulterated shit.

Double level up ftw.

Got rid of Harden for Metal Claw because Harden sucks and Rock Tomb has low PP.

That's it for tabs on this route, for now.

Basically, a message to retards that littering will bite you in the ass in the long run.

[spoiler=Seashore House]

What an uncreative name, GameFreak.

By the way, this place is full of REALLY bored trainers.

By rewards, you mean a harem of anime girls? Personally, I like the cast from One Piece, but Naruto works too.

Like I said, these guys are only interested in a good fight.

I don't know about you, but Goldeen is a joke. It literally did jack shit to Dudebro here. Rock Tomb PP is getting a bit low, though.

And this concerns me how? Because only one person is going to be crying, and it's not going to be me.

Seriously not a threat. Even a Geodude could take an Azurill seeing how weak it is.

Oh, just because he's a sailor man, he thinks he's a big shot. lolno.

Carry a psychic type and you will see now non-threatening he is.

Yay level up.

Yeah, I'm on fire! I think I just spontaneously combusted!

Soda Pop get. Six in total. Totally buy these over Super Potions. They cost $400 less and heal 10 more HP. That is a VERY good deal if you ask me. The only disadvantage is that you can't buy them in bulk. But being able to heal 70 more HP for far less is well worth the slight annoyance. They boost happiness faster than potions, as well. I decided to buy many of them myself.

And that's a wrap.

Edited September 7, 2012 by Mercenary James

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 10: Fun In Slateport

[spoiler=Slateport Proper]

They are awesome in that they prepare you for a future event. Seriously.

By the way, he means rentals.

Remember that back in them days, it wasn't easy to import/export shit, so people naturally built their cities around highly fertile areas.

Natures 101. As an example, my Marshtomp has a Relaxed nature, which raises defense(a stat which his line specializes in)in exchange for speed(a stat which his line has little of regardless). There are 25 natures in total, with 5 of them doing jack shit for your stats.

I'll head there when I feel like it, but thanks for the tip.

[spoiler=Small Talk]

You're still bitter about that loss, huh?

Well, I've gotten this far, right? I mean, I have an entire game ahead!

Actually you can't. Wanna know why? Paper covers rock.

You're just gonna end up losing again. And I'll have a Swampert by then. Kthnx bye.

Tagged because you have no fucking choice.

[spoiler=Farmer's Market]

You know, my teenage sister is kind of the same way, and to tell the truth, a lot of people are like that.

Dolls. Buy these and place them in your hideaway or your dorm. Now, I wonder if they sell plushies in this game?

You can buy steroids here, but I haven't the money to buy them. I usually sell any steroids that I find through spelunking anyway.

Come back here after you've maximized your Pokemon's effort values. And take note that EVs only really come into play once you reach the Battle Frontier or play competitively.

Seaweed vendor. Did you know that people use seaweed for a lot of products like ice cream and toothpaste? I didn't when I was a kid.

This man will sell you unlimited copies of Secret Power and Hidden Power, but not that this stage.

Basically, he's telling you to wait until you get the TM yourself.

Why does this remind me of the New Age healing brought up by the fake Cherokee on South Park?

Actually, I don't give two fucks about berries, but I'll take whatever you're selling. Berry Powder Jar get!

By the way, you can now play the Berry Crusher minigame in any Pokemon center, and you can get some decent prizes for doing so, including Rare Candies and PP Ups.

[spoiler=Name rater]

Protip: If you get a Pokemon that doesn't match your Trainer ID, whatever shitty name they might have sticks. Take note of that when trading.

By fortune teller, he means that he'll praise any and every name you give your Pokemon. So in effect, he's nothing more than a name changer.

Actually, White Mage was a shitty name I came up with during my stoner days, which is why I came here to deal with that... mistake.

By the way, making the name change to Bridget official. The name actually fits considering my Ralts is male(Ralts's evolutions are VERY feminine in appearance), just like Bridget from Guilty Gear.

[spoiler=Fan Club]

ha ha ha ha! Dudebro is much cooler than that stupid little Azumarril you got there!

Apparently, your chairman is a narcissist who likes to inflate his own ego.

Alright, your first move tutor. These guys will teach you a new move, but they will only offer their services once. Choose carefully. Anyway, Swagger is a move that confuses the target while simultaneously giving them a Swords Dance boost. I recommend against using this move as this move has the potential to backfire horribly(you just gave your opponent a free swords dance, of course you're playing with loaded dice!)

Happiness 101. Oh, this woman will hand over a soothe bell if you show her a Pokemon with capped happiness. To raise happiness quickly, I recommend feeding them steroids, using them in boss fights, and using drink items on them.

While the chairman is right in being the most important man in this building, he is still a self-centered fuck since he thinks no one can best him at Pokemon training.

As in, stuff that I'm not interested in.

The only contest hall in this game is located 3 towns to the east. That's a long way to walk. I recommend either flying or sailing. Unfortunately, they force you to drag your ass there on foot the first time.

You're starting to bore me. Let's continue this conversation never.

I already explained this a few images ago. But you have the right idea, little kid.

On the inverse, Pokemon absolutely hate blacking out. Another thing that pisses the shit out of Pokemon is feeding them that herbal shit that you get at New Age shops.

[spoiler=Moar Slateport]

No shit, Sherlock.

Take note of this mail. You will need one in order to obtain the ability to gamble.

[spoiler=Battle Tent]

NPC telling you about this facility's schtick. basically, you don't use your own Pokemon here, instead you use rentals.

You probably won't, considering the crappy quality of the Bug types you'll find here. Or in general, really. The only good bug types in this gen are Heracross and Scizor.

She's complaining about the really poor quality of Pokemon here, though you may find some gems here and there.

This guy probably couldn't find any good fighting or water type Pokemon.

Unfortunately, the employees don't give out good customer service here. You have to take what they give you.

Torment is a rather interesting move that prevents the target from using the same move twice in a row. While you may find some use for this in the Battle Frontier, you are much better off wasting your time attacking shit or setting up attack boosts.

[spoiler=Team Aqua Lineup]

From what I can tell, that lineup isn't for a One Piece convention, and these guys aren't exactly itching to get Oda's autograph.

He probably wanted to play some Sacred Stones or something. Maybe he's a drafter like Wen or Jedi.

When will this fucker learn that he can't read for shit? Either that or he needs specs.

Good point. Why ARE you assholes even standing in line like a bunch of pissants for anyway?

And that's a wrap, and stay tuned for James's meeting with Eiichiro Oda excursion of the Slateport Museum.

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 11: Night at the Oceanic Museum

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

[spoiler=Shipyard]

There's only one man fit for the job, and it's most certainly not me.

Apparently, this asshole is either very unorganized or ships are a pain in the ass to design.

Hello, I'm James, and I am most certainly not interested in ferries.

Yeah, I brought the stash. 500 grams of unfiltered Colombian cocaine powder.

And just when I thought I was done with this place...

[spoiler=Museum]

These assholes won't budge unless you kick Team Aqua's asses. I'll get to wild Pokemon later since I do not have enough image space to do so.

After backtracking to the museum and paying $50...

[spoiler=Floor 1]

Here's a better question? Who the fuck are you?

Wait two god-picking minutes! You are the asswipe who ambushed me in the woods!

Thief is a weak Dark type move that allows the wielder to steal the target's item, provided the wielder has no held item to begin with. There is just about no point in teaching this to something since enemy held items are useless stuff like sitrus berries. Now, if enemies carried Leftovers, then this move may see more merit.

Why don't you do something more productive in your life while you're at it? Like, I dunno, play Unreal Tournament.

Funny you'd say that, since what you are looking for isn't here.

Most of the stuff here isn't worth jack shit. And I certainly didn't see any diamonds.

'What kind of 'nefarious deeds' can you pull that involve BEACH SAND?'

Wow. Those grunts are poor as shit. I, on the other hand, have over 16K in liquid cash.

You know, I've heard that bill already with PETA. And PETA kills more animals than they 'save'.

They're only not acting because they don't know I have smuggled Colombian cocaine.

[spoiler=Floor 2]

We'll be seeing this vessel later on in the game, but right now, I think I have wasted enough time lollybagging around.

Hi, I am the drug trafficker that Stone sent over. How may I be of service?

Here's the 500 grams of cocaine that you ordered. Take it before those Aqua assholes turn up.

[spoiler=Team Aqua]

Oh god, these fuckers again? Do they ever give up?!

These twats don't know what they are getting into.

Oh, a new face. These guys are quite strong physically, but they are really frail, to the point where any strong neutral STAB will kill them in one shot.

Nice.

The lesson here is to never underestimate your opponent. Also, those two twats are gonna get it for not retrieving my drugs.

Another lesson is to not send useless mooks to do important assignments. That's what elites are for.

Nice to meet you, turd.

I was just looking at these- why the fuck do you think I interfered?

Do I look like I dress in white red bed sheets? I don't think so.

Even if your idea is batshit insane, the idea of expanding the oceans is actually very well-intentioned.

Yeah, to tell you the truth, this eco shit is foreign to me.

Don't worry, I won't be fighting against these assholes for another 3 gyms.

And if I am?

You're welcome. Not that you needed help anyway.

At long last, my drug trafficking job is over! Or so it seems...

Actually, he won't be starting his ocean floor expedition until MUCH, MUCH later on. He'll be spending that time getting high.

This place is boring me as well. I think I'm going to leave this place.

[spoiler=Scott]

Yeah. We met in the trainer's school, remember?

I know damn well who you are. No need to tell me twice.

They wanted drugs, so I told them to fuck off. They didn't listen, so I thumped their asses.

I don't know what this asshole is thinking, but it probably sounds naughty...

I just hope this twat isn't gonna backstab me like my ex-girlfriend did 2 years back.

Tabbed because I don't have a damn choice.

That... is for the best, considering I already have enough people tailing my ass.

If you need me, I'll be in Mauville. Hopefully, we will never meet again.

Smell ya later.

[spoiler=shit I forgot in Chapter 9]

Magikarp: A very useless fish that can only Splash at his enemies until Lv15. Which, by the way, does nothing. Thankfully, he evolves into the powerful leviathan Gyarados, which has monstrous attack power, but lacks good physical coverage.

Tentacool: While they don't look like much now due to a lack of good attacks, Tentacool is actually decent with access to Bubblebeam by the time you reach Lavaridge, and can soak up special hits like a (Ma)champ.

Sorry if I had been a bit slow. I was busy playing other stuff, like TLP and FireRed Omega.

Edited October 31, 2012 by James the Hero

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 12: The Road to Mauville... Where the Deer and the Antelope Work

[spoiler=Changes]

- From here on out, to save image space, I will no longer show you every single Pokemon that a trainer has. However, I will showcase any new Pokemon that show up in a trainer's party before you can catch it yourself(or if it's one of either Surskit, Roselia, Zangoose, Lunatone, or Meditite.)

- R.I.P. CrashGordon94.

[spoiler=Lower Route 110]

Considering that you don't have a bike, you have no choice but to truck it through the grass.

This asshole won't let you pass unless you have a bike.

[spoiler=Professor Bitch]

Oh, it's you. You are the LAST person I wanted to see.

Fuck if I know.

Not gonna lie, never really worked well with people.

Did that drug lord tip you off? Because I never recalled telling you.

How about no.

Dammit! I accidentally pressed the 'Subscribe' button!

If it involves anything romantic, I'm there.

Now kindly fuck off and never show your face to me again.

I'll explain these rats in further detail once I actually find them in the wild, but let's just they that they are mediocre Pikachu clones.

Some level ups that happened during the fight.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahano 1/10

How about no.

Tabbed because it's a good way to rack up experience later on... not that I endorse grinding.

I'll get into detail about this place later. As in, not now. That and I don't have enough image space.

[spoiler=Route 103 east]

Uh no. I've never been into fragrances.

By the way, totally cannot find these things in the wild, but I'll give a recap on them: This thing is a standard grass type with high Spec.A and decent Spec.D, but shitty stats elsewhere. Kill it with fire. Failing that, use a Taillow or something.

Because I'm not a fat bastard like yourself?

Nice. Very nice.

No. Just no. Since when would I need a move that gives Aron +2 in a stat that he already has coming out of his ass? Give me Agility or something!

Since when was a Skitty 'adorable'? Because I myself don't think so.

Only reason I'm tabbing this guy is because he's potentially good exp later on.

You need to go to anger management, because we don't need you hulking out on us, least of all me.

Too bad you need Surf in order to do so. That and the Balance badge.

Remind me how much I hate twins. A better question would be why the fuck I even bothered to take this image in the first place.

Yeahahahahahahahahano. People who use Plusle and Minun are destined to suck, because that's what Plusle and Minun do.

[spoiler=Upper Route 110]

I don't have a bike either, so I have no choice but to trudge through the grass here. Not what I want.

[spoiler=New Pokemon]

Electrike: A pretty good electric type with high offensive stats, but defenses fit for a glass cannon. Take note that raising it from this point in the game is a real pain in the ass due to it learning Spark at Lv20, but it is likely your best option for an electric type in Hoenn.

Gulpin: The first pure poison type that you can come across. It is a fat bastard that excels in HP and defenses, but unfortunately lacks a good offensive game. At least learning Ice Beam for the dragons is kind of cool.

Oddish: Another grass type, this time being of the poison variety. Do not bother with these now, you can catch higher leveled Oddish far later in the game, when its period of suck is over.

Minun: A pathetic excuse for an electric type. It's more or less a clone of Pikachu, but shittier due to no evolution and worse offenses. Also, its ability only works in double battles and it must be paired with the other rat.

Plusle: See Minun, but its slightly stronger, but 8 times rarer. The physics of its ability are pretty much the same as Minun's.

Just leveled up from beating up wild Pokemon while looking for Plusle.

I hear ya! I find Aron and Electrike to be cool! You're probably the first agreeable trainer I encountered in this segment.

I... also hear ya. Trust me, it was a pain in the ass to get my Ralts to where it is now.

[spoiler=May]

Hello to you too!

I was hoping to second base, but I suppose a battle will do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWgX0OcJlaQ

Boss: May

Pokemon:

Lombre Lv18, Wingull Lv18, Combusken Lv20 (Treecko)

Slugma Lv18, Lombre Lv18, Marshtomp Lv20 (Torchic)

Wingull Lv18, Slugma Lv18, Grovyle Lv20(Mudkip)

Difficulty: 4/10

Money Obtained: $900

A little bit more difficult due to the fact that she now has a third Pokemon, but you should still be able to beat her easily. Again, if you still have the starter killer, use it. Water/Ground moves will kill Slugma and Combusken, Flying moves down Grovyle and Lombre, and as for Marshtomp, use a grass hit. Wingull is pathetic, just kill it with whatever.

My level ups. And what do ya know, Bridget is one measly level away from evolution!

I have absolutely no use for a move that lets Normal/Fighting moves hit Ghosts.

I suppose. And I got myself an Aron, too.

I was hoping for an off-screen BJ(that simultaneously heals my Pokemon), but I guess a dowsing machine will do.

In this generation, the dowsing machine isn't as pinpoint accurate as the ones you get in Gens IV and V due to a lack of touch screen.

I hope to meet you again... soon enough.

She means that I need to be a better man if I'm ever going to ask her out.

Fun fact: I got double paralyzed in this fight, but the level up is pretty cool.

You know what I like collecting IRL? Knives.

Wh-wh-wh-what? How the fuck is that possible, considering that there's a one tile wide railing preventing other people from falling off...

FINALLY! It's EVOLUTION TIME!

Congratulations! Bridget doesn't suck... as much as he used to. But it's still going to be another ten levels before he finally becomes good.

Edited November 22, 2012 by James the Hero

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 13: Shocking Things Up in Mauville

It's been a while. Let's just say that I was busy all throughout December, and I forgot all about this beast. Anyway, here's something that will hail in the new year.

Also, let it be known that I hate the new Photobucket and for some reason, I cannot change it back no matter how hard I try.

[spoiler=Mauville Proper 1][spoiler=Telly kid]

The only shows they air on Hoenn telly are crap like 'Barney and Friends' and 'Teletubbies'. As in, shows I'm not interested in.

You must have some pretty famous friends then. Like Justin Bieber or the guy who plays Fred Figglehorn.

I don't pay enough attention to telly to even care about people putting me on air.

[spoiler=Coin Case]

You know, there's a bike shoppe just around the corner. Just pay $1,000,000 or get a Bike Voucher.

What would you need stationery for anyway? Ever since email was invented, there has been as much need for 'snail mail' as there was for knight's armor in the age of the gun.

You need Harbor Mail if you want to gamble in this game. If you didn't buy Harbor Mail in advance like I did, I suggest backtracking and getting some. They're only $50 each.

Coin Case get!

[spoiler=Rock Smash guy]

If all you do in this game is give me Rock Smash, that's what people are gonna call you, dipshit.

I like the name 'Rock Smash nerd' better.

Yeah, my Pokemon look pretty studly. Especially Raven and Dudebro.

By the way, Rock Smash sucks. The only remotely useful thing about it is that it has a 50/50 shot at dropping the target's defense stat by one stage, but even so, there are far better alternatives, since 20 might just doesn't cut it at this point in the game.

By the way, totally need the Dynamo Badge before I can smash rocks.

[spoiler=Rydel]

The irony in his statement is that I'm far from energetic IRL.

I do not need to know who you are. Mainly because I've actually played this game before.

You have no idea how much running I had to do to get here.

Tell me about it... I had to go through a forest, cross about 120 km of sea, and smuggle 500g of cocaine just to get here.

Just... get me a bike.

Oh yeah. I forgot to tell you the gimmick behind the bike system here. The mach bike makes you go really fast, but it is hard to stop. The acro bike, on the other hand, doesn't let you go at Mach speed, but it lets you do wheelies and bunny hops.

Going with the bike that moves faster, since I don't care about wheelies or bunny hops right at the moment.

Not that I'm ever coming back to this place to switch bikes, but isn't it convenient that the choice between the bikes isn't like Harken and Karel?

[spoiler=Mauville Proper 2][spoiler=Rollout]

He reminds me of the Gorons from the Legend of Zelda. The similarity is that they both use rolling as their main means of locomotion.

I don't think my Pokemon exactly want to roll, thank you very much.

You will see why in the next screenshot.

Rollout is a move that starts out at 30 BP, but is active for 5 turns, with each successive hit doubling in power, up to a maximum power of 480. The one problem with this move is that it takes about 3 turns for it to get strong enough to be worth mentioning. Also, if it misses at any point(or is blocked by Protect), the Rollout counter is reset. Also, using Defense Curl before use will double Rollout's initial power. Basically, you don't want it.

[spoiler=Game Corner]

Part of the reason it's so difficult is that the game tends to force the third 7 to not line up after lining up the first two 7s. Note that this would be illegal to do with a real pachisuro machine.

Here's a good question: Why are you even in a casino in the first place?

I don't know the exact mechanics behind this, but it isn't something I care about, as I royally suck at the slots.

Getting even one bonus is an arduous task in and out of itself, since these machines are probably rigged.

While the temptation of a bigger prize bonus than what you can buy at the counter is too good to pass up, let me remind you that it is the furthest thing from my mind since your chances of getting that bonus are about the same as Naruto hooking up with Sasuke.

I was hoping to get a doll for Lightli, but eh, this will do.

You mean you spend pretty much all your waking life gambling here? I'll pass.

What he means to say is that one table will give triple the payout, but in exchange, it uses up three Game Coins.

I'm not going to go into detail about what TMs you can get here right now, but as of this moment, I cannot obtain them since I don't have enough CoH and I really suck at the slots.

[spoiler=Wally]

You mean like that guy who thinks he's a Goron? He probably came from the mountains to the northwest, like most Gorons do.

Last time I saw him, he looked like he had tuberculosis, but now he's hyper? It seems like the warm spring breeze does wonders for one's health.

Not with a Lv16 Ralts you aren't.

You know kid, your uncle has a point for once.

Yes, you are.

Until you run into a dark type, that is.

He might have gotten stronger, but my lowest leveled Pokemon is 3 levels higher than his, and I have a defensive type advantage.

By the way, not worth even giving him a boss box, because he's pathetic. Dudebro was able to OHKO him with Metal Claw FFS. Unless you are hideously underleveled and/or are only using fighting and poison types, you should be able to take this punk out.

Maybe you should consider getting a wider variety of types to get around your starter's weaknesses. Then and ONLY then will you be fit to battle me again.

It really isn't. You just suck.

At least you're catching on real damn fast.

Probably his tuberculosis.

Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I was just in the area.

Maybe I will show my face there. I need to get something there anyway.

[spoiler=Scott]

Don't you have anything better to do than get into other people's bee's wax?

Me and that sick dog aren't exactly... friends. We are just next door neighbors.

You know, beating up a Lv16 Ralts when I had a Lv19 Aron isn't exactly impressive...

Now go fuck yourself.

And a happy new year to all... and th-th-th-that's all, folks!

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 13x: Sparking Things Up With James Watson

Type Specialty: Electric

Recommended Types: Ground

Unrecommended Types: Water, Flying, Steel

Advice: Get a ground type. There's not much more I have to say. If you started with Mudkip, your chances of winning are extremely high right off the bat. To those who started with Torchic or especially Treecko, I recommend getting a Geodude, leveling it up to around Lv18, and letting it loose on the trainers here.

Btw, the name 'James Watson' is meant to be a play on James Watt, which the standard unit for electrical power is named after. If there's anybody who is actually named James Watson, that's not where I got the name from.

[spoiler=Intro and Clyde]

Watson is kind of like the Lucky Charms cereal: he's shockingly eccentric!

Perfect. Never better.

Unless said water-type has ground typing like Mudkip's evolutions, that is.

He's telling you all about this gym's gimmick, which sounds conspicuously like Guile Lt. Surge's gym gimmick.

[spoiler=Gym Trainers]

That's nice. Try shocking my Marshtomp. Oh wait... you can't.

Thankfully, my own soul is ground typed.

Woah, isn't a Meditite out of place here?

Pretty standard by this point. He's not going to get much in the way of speed.

No, it's not. At least it's not like the gym puzzle from the Vermillion Gym in FR/LG. That puzzle can go eat a bowl of fuck.

You know something, I've never seen more out-of-place Pokemon in a gym in any other game. Well, maybe expect in Diamond and Pearl, but come on! Isn't there like 7 electric type families to choose from in Hoenn?

Pretty good. Too bad he didn't get more speed.

I wonder if this guy spends all his spare time searching for shiny Pokemon?

I hope that Watson taught you how to deal with ground types.

Why there are bug type users in this gym is beyond me...

Oh. That's why. At least Illumise and Volbeat kind of suck at killing things. And I'm going to assume that the other non-electric types have moves like Shock Wave.

More level-up goodness from Vanguard Raven.

Every region has to have at least one of these gym leaders/elites/champions(Blaine in Kanto, Pryce in Johto, Bertha in Sinnoh, and Alder in Unova). You know, the ones that have like 50 years of experience over you. The only other person who can make the same claim as Watson in Hoenn is Drake.

[spoiler=James Watson]

Don't you have anything more productive to do in your spare time?

To kick ass and take names and chew bubble gum.

And I just realized, I'm all out of gum.

I'm going to be perfectly honest with you, your gym puzzle kind of sucks. Guile Surge's gym puzzle, on the other hand...

Then I, James Android, the Crimson Reaper, will pelt you and every Pokemon you own with mud!

Boss: Watson

Pokemon: Voltorb Lv20, Electrike Lv20, Magnemite Lv22, Manectric Lv24

Difficulty: 3/10(with Ground type), 7/10(without Ground type)

Money Obtained: $2400

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEjOOAJtpBo

Did I mention, get a ground type?

Some level-ups I got this round. Like I said, having a ground type makes this place go 200% smoother, and it's also cheap experience.

Dynamo Badge get! 3 down, 5 more to go.

Shit that... is relevant, because you will need Rock Smash in order to get to the next branch of the game, and unfortunately, it's not exactly one I'm looking forward to. Besides, I will need to find something to put Rock Smash on because like hell am I teaching it to one of my mainstrays and Nincada can't learn it. God, I wish I caught a Zigzagoon earlier...

This might come in handy... Bridget could use the coverage. Because mono psychic is getting depressing to look at.

Shock Wave is basically an electric typed variant of Swift: it will never miss, regardless of how many evasion boosts the target might have or accuracy drops you may have accumulated. The power is also quite nice for this point in the game. Still no Thunder in rain, though.

Standard procedure, though unlike that creepy-ass stalker Scott, this guy is more of the cheery old man archetype. Reminds me of my grandfather.

I think it had more to do with Watson deactivating the power doors, but w/e.

Next time on Pokemon Emerald Abridged...

I take on a few sidequests involving the trick house and that sickly kid who looks suspiciously like Wolt from Sealed Sword.

Edited January 7, 2013 by Vanguard James

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 14-1: Sidequests(Part 1)

Ok, sorry for being away from this project for so long. I had shit to do, ok? Mostly Fire Emblem related, but I also had to do a safety course as part of my secondary education. I have also dabbled in some ROM hacks that other people have been sending me. However, without further stall, let's get this show on the road.

[spoiler=Route 118]

Teaching Bridget Shock Wave because mono psychic coverage sucks.

Growl was kind of useless anyway. It was either that or Double Team, since neither move is going to be useful to me in the grand scheme of things.

I'm pretty sure that weed can cleanse one's body and soul better, thanks.

The last time I checked, most Youngsters have pretty shitty Pokemon. Except for Joey, and even he only had a flawless Ratatta.

THWOMP level.

In competitive battles, I'd actually consider using moves like Roar and Whirlwind, but considering this is ingame, no. Just no.

You might be good grinding fodder in the near future. Tabbed.

Totally need Surf to get across that river. Too bad I neither have the HM itself nor the Balance Badge...

BTW, his music makes nails on a blackboard sound like fucking Beethoven.

Decent. Lack of defenses is kind of saddening.

Unlike that Roar example, this is a good ingame move. Got rid of DT for it, since evasion spam is kind of cheap.

Once you get as good as the Beatles, maybe we can talk again.

[spoiler=Route 117]

A.K.A. Where Pokemon go to have sex.

I hope for your sake it wasn't a rare TM move that your Mon didn't forget. I heard TMs are hard as hell to come by.

I don't remember a triathlon being hosted anywhere in Hoenn.

I suppose we all have needs... Tabbed.

[spoiler=Wally]

Oh fuck, it's the little shitstain I curbstomped back in Mauville...

Yeah, thanks. Now kindly fuck off.

Remind me to delete his name from my cell phone registry and send the Hoenn Mafia to off him.

This guy has a full party, but they are all insanely low leveled. This will be cake.

Slightly better than the last level up.

Hmmph, come back when you can put up a fight. Because being 10 levels under my dudes is just laughable.

Forgot to add this when fighting Dylan, so now's as good of a time as any to show it.

Apparently, her idea of training properly is that I have a 4 level advantage over her Pokemon.

The air near Verdanturf is also a lot less polluted than the air in Los Angeles.

Just because you team up with someone else does not mean that you are on the same level as me.

Probably not.

How I battle is to get into control of the situation and never lose momentum.

The only thing I would consider nice is for you to get on your knees and give head.

Probably for the best if you let go of the past.

If Psychic Pokemon were as dominating as they were in Gen I, I might have SOMETHING to worry about. Even so, I'm only fighting Bridget's baby form.

This could be handy later on. As in when I need to actually worry about dying.

[spoiler=New Pogeys]

Illumise: A fairly poor quality bug type that can be found relatively easily on this route. The only remotely good thing I can say about her is that she looks cute, but who am I kidding?

Volbeat: Take Illumise, swap her attack with her sp. attack, and give her proper STAB and access to Tail Glow and you get this thing. Unfortunately, he's quite rare, so rare in fact, it took me about 2 hours to find.

Caught it just because I had balls to spare. Too bad I'm not using it, because it sucks.

All you did was switch from using shitty bugs to using slightly less shitty bugs. Next...

. At least +2 spe is good.

So, if I follow my heart and stick to my interests, I can become a ONE PIECE FANATIC?

Obvious point is obvious.

*pours gasoline on flowers and sets them on fire*

Considering my Pokemon's levels are double yours, I'd have to say that yes, I did raise them properly.

Nice.

And I hope to never come here again.

Next time on Pokemon Emerald Abridged:

'What a really relaxing place. It's almost as if I want to stay here forever.'

P.S: Please support this LP. Because I'm going to be quite honest: This project is very time consuming and I'd like it to be worth my time(what I'm saying is that I'm not going to stay on a sinking ship for very long.). And please do not post comments intended to flame me..

[viyut]

There are plenty of people who follow this, me included. Please continue!

Edited March 24, 2013 by Generic character

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 14-2: Verdanturf Town

Sorry for the really long absence. I was caught up in a lot of things. Mostly my Platinum Ratings.

[spoiler=Town Proper]

I also like the music here. It has that serene feeling of peace and harmony. Or soemthing liek that.

He probably has a Salamence or something. Lucky bastard.

You mean that one with all the Whismur in it? What about it?

Oh? That guy...

I checked the place. It has little to offer, besides the Devon Drug Cartel.

I was in need of something that could use Rock Smash, and Poochyena works in a pinch. Shame I'm not using it.

Teaching this little bastard Rock Smash so that neither Raven nor Dudebro have to.

Thankfully, I won't have to visit this place until the endgame.

So, basically a boss rush, rite? Sounds fun.

I'm pretty sure volcanic ash only blows on Route 113.

You mean people like that brat Wally?

This woman will evaluate the happiness of your Pokemon.

I don't baby Pokemon, but thanks for the tip.

No shit, sherlock.

Is it about porn?

Ah... I wanted it to be about porn...

You mean the black belt that is slugging away at that rock in the Whismur cave?

He was probably deprived of pussy for quite a while.

Perhaps the feeling's mutual. The sexual depravity, that is.

How are you NOT feeling depressed? Your Ralts got one shotted by a fucking Aron.

This should be worth a laugh.

As if you could ever REACH my level, much less surpass it.

So, you wanna get assraped again? Because that's what will happen if you challenge me.

Another Battle Tent. I was hoping it was Kink.com's Armory or something.

[spoiler=Battle Tent]

Hello, fuckface.

Nah. Last time I checked, this place was full of noobs.

I may or may not take your advice to heart. Now kindly fuck off.

Why the fuck should you care? I've gotten along just fine with spamming my strongest attacks.

Y'know, healing moves are quite useless ingame because potions will heal for far more.

This sounds like a lot of crock, but he's alluding to the rules of this facility.

This NPC is telling us the basic rules of this battle facility: It functions like a normal battle, but you don't get to choose moves. Instead, your Pokemon will randomly select a move based on its nature. On random occasions(usually if the Pokemon has a moveset that is incompatible with its corresponding nature), it will not act and instead 'appear incapable of using its power'

I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that...

Watch me not care.

Attract is a normal type move that will cause opposite gender Pokemon to get lovesick and not be able to attack 50% of the time. Infatuation isn't a very useful status, so I recommend against teaching this to somebody.

This is the only place in the game where you can buy Nest Balls. These fuckers have an increased catch rate against 'mons that have a lower level. While these balls are quite potent at this point in the game, they really lose their bite as the game progresses.

Wait... could this kid be teaching me Megahorn?! Not that I have anyone who can learn it, but still.

I should've known it was too good to be true.

Fury Cutter is a move that starts off very weak, but the attack grows stronger each time you connect with it. This is generally considered to be a very shitty move. Don't use it.

[spoiler=Caves]

They do. Go look up 'Mountain Pokemon' in the FR/LG Pokedex.

I can plainly see that, bitch. I don't have shitholes for eyes, you know.

I take it he doesn't have anything that knows Rock Smash? May as well get to work then.

Hey hey. All I wanted to do was get into Rustboro and claim my... reward. You know, for delivering the coke to Stern.

Strength is a normal type move that has very high power for this point in the game, and even as stronger attacks become available, it remains a staple on anything that gets STAB on it. It can also push boulders.

And I need the Lavaridge badge for that...

Still a better love story than fucking Twilight.

Why does this creep remind me of Velma from Scooby Doo?

Blackglasses get. These lucky shades will raise the power of dark moves. Not that I have any on my active party right now.

Hey! Gimme back mah lucky shades, ya thievin' bastard!

Here's a handy hint: Look on top of your fucking head.

[Magical CC]

Keep doing man. You are doing a good job, I have a lot of laughs reading.

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 14x: House of Tricks I

[spoiler=The Search]

Took me a while to get back. May as well get this over with.

Why is this island full of creepy old men?

Protip: That sparkle is where the bastard is.

That sparkle was a dead giveaway.

Actually, I feel that Scott is more mysterious. Not to mention more creepy.

And what if I am, fuckface?

... I shouldn't have asked.

So cut that scroll down, weave through a maze, get to the end. Got it.

Let's just get this over with.

[spoiler=The Maze]

So you've learned the 'secret art' of cutting trees from Cut Man, too?

Protip: If you don't have Cut, go back to Rustboro and get it already.

One of the quirks to this place is that you can find stationary lying around. I don't know why. It's not like it's useful for anything.

You don't want to know.

This is why I hate Skitties. Or anything that knows Attract, for that matter. Hopefully, this isn't foreshadowing the annoyance factor of a gym leader battle.

By the way, this cat took 6 turns to kill.

Fairly standard by now.

I knew putting Shock Wave on Kirlia was worth it.

Protip: Every trick house challenge has one of these. Find it to get a password that unlocks the door at the end.

I could understand if this place was actually hidden, but it's in plain sight. How could you NOT intentionally walk in here?

I suggest finding a dungeon map.

I wish I didn't say this out loud...

[spoiler=The Prize]

I know middle school kids who could make more elaborate mazes than that.

And it took me like 15 minutes to cut them down. If I had a Fire Pokemon, I could've burned every tree down in a matter of seconds.

Actually, I happen to be superior to you. By a lot.

Wow. Something that's actually useful.

Well, I do have seven more prizes to go, but...

... considering I've beaten this game multiple times, I feel I do have the right to mock you.

Oh, I'll be back alright.

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 15-1: Route 111 and the Winstrate Family

God, it's been two months. Oh well. Time to update again.

[spoiler=Route 111]

My favorite is... is... let's just say I don't give a fuck.

If it's excitement you want, then come to my place and get in bed with me.

And I get a kick out of making fun of other people's misfortunes.

Actually no, I'm very tired. I'm not usually up at this time of day.

Go eat a Snickers or something. Just don't take it out on me.

If you didn't get HM06 from the guy in Mauville or didn't beat Watson, this is as far as you're going.

I dunno... I've seen many players beat these games while severely underleveled.

[spoiler=Ty and Gabby]

Oh great... paparazzi.

I really wish I just ignored these creeps and went on my way. But this is a 100% content LP, so I have to.

I'm not telling you my real name, so just call me Mr. Android. (ps: I hate my IRL first name, hence why I use my middle name)

You could've wasted your sorry asses on the gym leaders or something.

Tell me something I don't know.

How about no.

I wish it was possible to put 'flip the bird' as an answer, because that's what I want to do after these fuckers wasted my time.

And I'm not watching.

You gotta be fucking kidding me... Unfortunately, the game doesn't want me going in the desert without some goggles or some shit like that.

[spoiler=Route 112]

Numel: Your first available substitute for Torchic. It has high attacking stats, but low speed and subpar defenses. Fire/Ground is also awful past Lilycove.

Caught it just for the hell of it. Meet the newest member of my party.

This is actually a really good nature for Numel. Raises one of his strong points at the cost of something he has little of anyway.

As for the name, it's derived from a Marine Admiral in One Piece. Makes sense too, as like Akainu, Numel (and its evolution) is a living volcano.

By the time I'm done with you, you are going to be be crying. Like a little bitch.

Unfortunately, Saka-san has a long way to go before he can kill even these things, much less Ace.

If there's one thing I like, it's when I burn something after failing to kill it, then the burn finishes them off. I love it.

Like I said before, like a bitch.

I don't do picnics. And your singing sucks.

Sakazuki's first level up. And it looks promising.

I've seen hikers who've said that same shit to me thousands of times, and they buckled once they ran into me.

Well, he's catching up fast, which is good.

All I see in your bag are Hustler magazines.

Why did I even...

[spoiler=Team Magma]

What thing?

I wonder what they need the meteorite for?

I don't know where this Fallarbor Town is, but it sounds just like the slums of Rio.

And it seems these clowns won't move. I really wanted to see the summit of Mt. Chimney today.

[spoiler=Winstrate Family]

And what if I am?

May as well. I got nothing better to do.

Time to run these freaks out of business.

Actually, he was kind of a joke. Considering I have a Lv24 Marshtomp and 2 Lv23s.

Other than taking a long time to take down her Roselia, she was also kind of weak.

To be fair to her statement, she is actually more dangerous then the other three.

And that's why. Pure Power Hi Jump Kick HURTS. I'm probably going to have to switch out.

Just some level ups that happened. Saka-san in particular is one level away from learning Magnitude.

You know, why do these 'sport' moves exist anyway. Switching to a resistance is a better use of your time anyway. I'll pass.

This is basically your prize for beating these clowns. The Macho Brace doubles EV gain, but halves speed. It's... useless now, but will come in handy when I train shit up for the Battle Frontier.

I do not want to know how strong this guy is if he has a team capable of beating the Champion.

Great, can't wait to fight this guy. Hopefully, he's not a joke like these clowns are.

Well, I'm not like those chumps I faced on this route and the next.

I suppose we won't meet until I reach Victory Road. Because I'm also taking the League Challenge.

Next time on Pokemon Emerald Abridged:

'The Battle Tower, already? I'm probably not ready for it anyway...'

Edited August 22, 2013 by General James

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 15-2: The Fiery Path and Moar Route 111

[spoiler=Trainer Hill]

So this ISN'T the battle tower?!

And they are closed.

When I defeat the Elite Four, most likely.

You are going to be waiting here for a LONG time.

Yeah, if this place was, like, OPEN.

I hope you brought along a really strong team.

Except me. Because I'm going to become the pirate king strongest trainer in all the land.

After healing my party and selling an HP Up and some stationery, I head back to Route 112.

[spoiler=Fiery Path]

You are not getting past this barricade until you beat Flannery, and that's a bit off right now, the cable car being closed and all.

Torkoal: Unlike most fire types, this one is more geared towards defense, but its speed is befittiting of, well, a turtle. It's a decent choice as its not 4x weak to water like Camerupt and Magcargo are.

Slugma: This thing is really shitty. Sub par stats before it evolves at Lv38, then gains 2 W4's to water and ground after the fact. Do not want, not even with a cherry on top.

Machop: A fighting type with even more muscle than Makuhita. Learns many useful STAB moves through level, and is quite bulky. Speed is a letdown, though.

Koffing: A defensive poison type with Levitate and Selfdestruct. It's decent, but defensive mons don't work so well ingame, not to mention poison is horrid offensive typing.

Grimer: Take Koffing, remove Levitate, and subtract a shitton of def and put it into HP and SpD, and you get this thing. Like I mentioned with Koffing, this thing isn't worth the investment.

[spoiler=Route 111 Continued]

This guy is foreshadowing a marathon of puns in the Lavaridge Gym. Especially considering who the gym leader is.

If by 'battle', you mean 'date', then I'd be happy to oblige.

Ok level, nothing too special.

While this level isn't too hot either, it's important anyway because...

Saka finally gets a decent ground move!

Well, I fought my way past 3 gyms and some Eco-terrorists. I think I'm fairly strong by this point.

Yeah... your style kind of sucks. Largely because my levels were better.

Tabbed.

[spoiler=Secret Power]

Looks to me you're pissing in a tree.

Uh, Cut doesn't work on these big trees.

Is it Explosion?

Well, it's not Explosion, but Secret Power is a fairly strong attack for this point in the game. It also has the added effect of inducing a status condition or stat debuff depending on the terrain. I'll add a list later.

Oh. So you DON'T cut the tree down, then.

Like Penthouse magazines? Because I have a shitton of those at home.

Protip: You can also make secret bases out of shrubbery in a later part of the game.

Smell ya later. Smell ya later forever.

And from this point on, you can by Secret Power in Slateport.

Oh god, she just reminded me of the fucking Pokemon Musical in Black and White?

More catching up. He should be at my level soon.

If you want REALLY strong friends, you should meet my associates Jedi, Sho, Doofina, and Sharpy.

Do you have, like, Lum Berries?

Unfortunately, berries of this kind are useless at this point in the game.

We'll be needing different colored berries for what I'm planning on doing once we reach Lilycove, but not now.

Let's just say you are going to have a difficult time finding challengers here. I mean, who the hell even comes up here anyway?

Just 3 more levels...

[spoiler=Creepy Old Woman]

Just to be clear, elderly women are NOT my type. However, I could use the healing.

'Well, considering that my Numel ran the gauntlet, yes. Yes, they are.'

May as well. Don't mind free healing. Not that Pokemon Centers aren't free.

I wish I hadn't...

I am not getting in bed with this old bitch again. That and my Pokemon are healed already.

You are creeping me the fuck out.

Next time on Pokemon Emerald Abridged:

'Uh, why is it snowing in the middle of fucking AUGUST?!'

Edited August 22, 2013 by General James

[Vicious Sal]

Chapter 15-2: The Fiery Path and Moar Route 111

'Uh, why is it snowing in the middle of fucking AUGUST?!'

Southern hemisphere? c-D

Also, really enjoying this so far, keep it up. ^^

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 16: The Wasteland

[spoiler=New Pokemon]

Spinda: A panda with 60s in all stats. The only remotely cool thing about it is that no two Spinda have the same spot pattern. Still, one of the worst Pokemon in this game.

Skarmory: A defensive behemoth with very good defensive typing. It also gets Spikes at later levels, if you're into that sort of thing.

Caught it just for the hell of it. Also, is it just me or do blades made from Skarm feathers tend to be more durable than the average blade, considering how physically durable these things are?

[spoiler=Route 113]

'So you're telling me this shit on the ground is not snow, but ASH?!'

I should totally find a 5x5 field and make swastikas in the grass.

Oh shit! Ninjas!

I don't have a soot sack, so no.

I was kind of wishing for more attack, but whatever works, I guess.

That shit didn't work in Naruto, what makes you think it will work here?

Here's a good question: Where in the hell can you find Lv19 Arons in the wild? Oh wait, you can't.

Oh, I didn't know that Darros was in this game, much less in this shithole.

Was kind of expecting a level like this.

These dirt mounds tend to contain hidden items, in this case, I found a nugget. Unfortunately, it's not a Chicken McNugget.

'Beats me. Why am I fucking freezing here?'

Now that you mention it, it's not too hot here either. Where I live, I usually just sleep during the day to escape the heat.

Who needs a parasol to block ash? Me and my guys just shake that shit off.

*Has a quickie with Madeline*

How the fuck do you turn ash into glass? It's ash, not sand!

How many of these Naruto wannabees are there on this route?

Oh shit! They now have grenades!

More HP is always nice. How about getting some more speed?

'Mind if you taught me something cool like Naruto's Shadow Clone Jitsu as well?'

Double Team is a cheap move that boosts evasion. While there are no clauses against evasion spam ingame, I generally avoid moves that are reliant on hax.

It's also proof that God hates us all. Take a look at what happened to Pompeii.

I should recommend you for a script writer position on 4Kids Entertainment. Like you, they also throw in horrible jokes.

[spoiler=Glass Shoppe]

Hm... I should really reconsider buying shit here. After all, glass tends to break easily, and I'm always on the move and can't afford to be careful.

Tell me something I don't know.

Are you special needs or something?

So... you're the guy who makes glass items, eh?

Unfortunately, I'm not filling this sack with Reese's Pieces...

'So, take the sack and painstakingly pick up ash from the ground? Sounds like my idea of fun. NOT!'

This is going to take a while...

'Aren't you a little young to be smoking?'

After spending around 15 minutes in the grasses on this route, I manage to procure enough ash to get two flutes.

Check the sack. Over 750 grams of ash.

Ok, here's the rundown on the pipes you can get in this game:

Blue Flute: Cures sleep

Yellow Flute: Cures confusion

Red Flute: Cures infatuation

White Flute: Decreases wild encounters

Black Flute: Increases wild encounters

I decided on getting a blue flute and a yellow flute. Because sleep and confusion are annoying as fuck.

'How are you warm?! I'm fucking freezing!'

And with this rock, I can pelt your birds out of the sky.

Annnd... FINALLY completely caught up.

'Oh wow. This place is even shittier than I ever imagined!'

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 17: The Slums

[spoiler=Town Proper]

You mean how shitty the living conditions are here?

Probably some street rats trying to steal food I guess.

I haven't even been to Lavaridge City yet.

And you don't get to meet him. Wonder what his team was...

I'd tap that.

And it looks like a deformed rat missing arms.

[spoiler=Pokemon Center/Mart]

[spoiler=Lanette]

Here's a better question: Why the fuck are you blocking the PC?

Yeah, I made an account a little bit after starting my quest. What else?

That and you're an admin on Bill's storage website. It's obvious that you'd have information on my account.

Yeah. I wanted to check out some stuff on RedTube.

And my real name is C. James Williams.

To be fair, I don't do a lot of catching.

Small question: Are you into S&M?

They probably looked like dinosaurs. I wouldn't know.

It's a waste of time IMO.

I'd rather use my Moon Stone on a Nidorino or Nidorina, not a fucking Skitty.

Please tell me you're joking. Delcatty is not much of an improvement on Skitty.

Delcatty is just as ugly as Skitty is.

[spoiler=Metronome]

I'm not good with money either. I actually managed to blow $1K in 2 months.

Get a job, bitch.

Hey, a move tutor. Where have I seen those before?

Metronome is a move that calls any move at random except for Struggle and Metronome itself. It's a somewhat fun move if you like an element of luck, but I usually go for reliability.

This guy's probably going to be important soon.

[spoiler=Move Relearner]

Correction, you're the move maniac. Move tutors teach moves that Pokemon would normally never get naturally.

This guy is useful for one thing: Getting moves that evolved Pokemon would learn at Lv1(ex: Blaziken getting Fire Punch)

And I'm fresh out of Heart Scales. That and I don't have anybody who needs a move to be relearned.

[spoiler=Battle Tent]

ANOTHER of these places? And let me guess... Scott's here too.

[spoiler=Scott]

Hello fuckface.

They're probably blind to the fact that the living conditions here are squalid.

And no one in this shithole has that kind of drive. Well, other than me, but I'm just a tourist.

Do what?

And that kills any relevance that conversation had. Now, kindly fuck off.

Uh, this isn't a camping tent.

You really are a stupid bastard.

Good luck with that. And god forbid you run into a water or grass type.

Um, you ARE just a kid.

You are no different from the other ninja kids I faced in the wasteland east of here.

Yeah, the joint in Slateport is a Battle Factory clone and the Verdanturf tent is a Battle Palace clone.

I'm not exactly a fan of the Battle Arena's ruleset, but I'm not going to rip on other people's favorites.

[spoiler=Digging Brothers]

'Also not affiliated with Molemen!'

He's basically a PokeManiac who specializes in collecting fossils and fossil Pokemon.

I like digging holes too. Too bad my housemates keep filling them back in.

Hm, you giving me an E-tool or something? Or perhaps the Dig TM?

Dig is a decently powered ground move that takes up two turns; the first turn you are impervious to any attack except for Earthquake, Magnitude, and Fissure. Quite handy since we are entering fireland.

I HIGHLY recommend saving this TM for when you try to do the Regi quest, as you need Dig to complete it and this is the only TM28 you get. And the other means to get Dig are... undesirable.

As much as I want to get through the Regi quest, being stuck with Mud-Slap until the Seafloor Cave is unacceptable. Teaching Dig to Dudebro ASAP.

Tell me something I don't know.

Sure, why not?

Wow, this guy is just as greedy as the Molemen on Corna.

And we can't go in there without goggles.

Next time on Pokemon Emerald Abridged:

'Down boy, down!'

Poochyena: *Jumps up and bites my ballsack*

Edited September 6, 2013 by General James

[RJWalker]

Sour about that ballsack.

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 18-1: Meteor Falls(Part 1)

[spoiler=Roar]

Your dog must be a very disobedient one, I guess.

Please be Earthquake, please be Earthquake...

At any rate, Roar is a move that if used in the wild, will cause the battle to end. If used in a trainer battle, it will force your Pokemon out and randomly shuffle the next incoming Pokemon. It's... more of a competitive play move than anything, really.

And I swear... this dog excites more easily than that dog that I had sold last winter due to hyperactivity.

[spoiler=Route Proper]

Uh, I've tried fishing and battling in the past. And I always seem to lose my catch while the battle is happening... Odd.

Hm... this is new. Unlike some of the other water type we've faced up to this point, this one's ground typed. Electric moves won't work, so don't bother.

Let me guess... you caught a Magikarp. Those ARE the largest things you can catch on this route.

Maybe not to the scrubs on this route, but not me.

Some ok level here. Nothing much to really say.

Ok, this my friends is a medicinal herb. These have the same properties as certain other healing items, but they are incredibly bitter. Do not use these unless you are in an absolute emergency.

And the only reason for that is because my rod can only catch fucking Magikarps.

Exercise? I usually SLEEP after each meal. True story.

Nothing special. He should get Psychic soon.

Yay... more crap that is useless to me.

[spoiler=Lanette]

Hello nerd.

This is what I call 'compulsive hoarding'. It's really unhealthy. You should probably tidy up.

Not the latest issue of Hustler, but I suppose a plush toy will work just as good.

Should probably do this in the future, since I want to keep my Battle Frontier 'mons and my breeding stock separate.

... What's this?

Wow... your storage system seems to be horribly outdated, then.

User friendly stuff, like.... the ability to not have to switch boxes when the current one is full?

And you STILL won't let us in your secret garden, asswipe!

Don't worry. It will get better. Nowadays, there's a bank where players can store over 3000 Pokemon.

I used to be a fan of camping when I was a lad, but over time, I lost interest in anything not pertaining to PCs.

Let me guess... something I have caught before?

You are an even bigger asshole than Dark Sage, do you know that? Tabbed.

[spoiler=Wild Pokemon]

Swablu: A stereotypical bird 'mon that, for some reason that defies all logic, evolves into a dragon. While dragon typing is nice(partly due to no fairies in this gen), 70/70 attacking stats are not. There are much better dragons down the road. Don't waste your time on this one.

Seviper: Poison type with strong mixed attacking stats and mediocre speed/defenses. Best way I can describe something like this is... mediocre. Next.

Don't know why I caught this one. Guess I just wanted to hear about its feud with Zangoose. The irony about that entry is that Zangoose and Seviper are in the same egg group, and therefore, and potentially be lovers.

Hey cool. Free money. Not like I'm going to be needing these until I do my breeding and EV training for the guys I'll be using in the Battle Frontier.

'After stomping your campfire, always douse the embers, and stir the ashes with a stick!'

Cool. More attack is appreciated.

While both moves are kind of useless, Growl is even more useless. Hence why I got rid of it for Focus Energy.

And I doused it again. Tabbed.

Says the guy who forgot to bring sunblock. UV rays are stronger the higher up you go.

Well... I have two things that are evolved. And unfortunately, Dudebro doesn't evolve until fairly late.

Words cannot describe how stupid you are. It echoes just fine higher up.

Next time on Pokemon Emerald Abridged:


'If you're wondering why this one has been so short, it's because there's a lot of plot exposition in part 2, and I want to put all of Meteor Falls in one segment.'

[Smiley Jim]

Chapter 18-2: Meteor Falls(Part 2)

[spoiler=The Falls]

Solrock: It's a rock/psychic type that joins right before a fire gym, so it can see some immediate use there, but otherwise isn't terribly useful due to below average stats and having detrimental defensive typing in the context of Hoenn's lategame.

Fun fact: Being the embodiment of the sun, this thing gets a lot of fire moves through TM and can even learn SolarBeam by level. However, its special attack is too shitty to make use of such moves.

[spoiler=Team Magma]

Why are they so psyched up over a fucking rock?

You honestly think you can threaten me? Because my Pokemon are not only stronger than yours, I also have 3 guys with type advantages over fire.

And I think the cavalry has arrived...

Except it's those clowns... What do they want this time...

Considering you're outnumbered and have a type disadvantage...

So THAT'S why those clowns were blocking the entrance to the gondola back in Ch15.

Then they leave like the cowards they are...

Yeah, I was delivering cocaine. Why'd you ask?

I think you must be confusing me for some other fucktard named James. He works as a secret agent.

Do I look like one of those clowns to you?

My elders told me that same shit when I was a kid. I've been there.

So says the loonies who engage in destruction to expand the oceans. Fucking hypocrites...

I'm getting the feeling that we're going to antagonize each other down the road.

Maybe you should. Better to do that than loiter here like a bunch of simpletons.

Let me guess... they are going to try to channel the cosmic energy from the meteorite into the volcano and trigger an eruption? Sounds like something they'd do.

Well, those assholes are blocking the only road to Lavaridge Town, so I may as well go over to Mt. Chimney. God I love plot exposition...

As if I couldn't tell from your labcoat...

Here's a handy hint in the future: Don't do business with guys wearing red hoods or guys who look like pirates.

And you are a retard for trusting them.

You mean the pirates that showed up earlier? Me and them have had a rather... sweet and sour history, if you know what I mean.

Even I don't get these eco-terrorist types.

I dunno, try to channel cosmic energy into the volcano and trigger an eruption? I wouldn't know.

This, my friends, is a moon stone. This item will evolve Jigglypuff and Skitty, but unfortunately, it won't see any use in this run seeing as I'm NOT using either of those two. Too bad Nidoran isn't in this game...

And this is as far as you're going in this shithole until you have Surf and Waterfall. A real shame too, seeing as there's a motherfucking DRAGON in the deepest recesses of the cave.

Don't worry, I'll come back here later.

[spoiler=Route 115]

Correction: Your strongest skill is getting depressed skull fractures.

Dudebro: 'The Dudebro just got a lot more Bro!'

I honestly don't know why I taught him Take Down, considering he doesn't have Rock Head. Ah well, should work until I have access to some additional coverage.

Annnnd... he cracked his skull open and none of the king's horses and none of the king's men could put his bastard head together again.

And while you're at it, do something about that hole you made in your brain when you did your brick smashing trick. Tabbed.

How is this place secret when I can literally see you from the other side of this route?

At any rate, if you want to REALLY train in secrecy, I recommend surfing north towards the cliffs on this route. Tabbed.

Let's see what this collector has. Probably has something I CAN'T get.

Next time, try finding a less busy place to do your meditation. That is all.

Zangoose is yet another thing that isn't in Emerald, so a brief summary: This thing has massive attack power and good speed, but is very frail. It also gets Swords Dance VERY early. Thankfully, it can't really do shit to rock or steel types.

And here's Spoink. We'll be able to catch one soon, but for now, let's just say that even at this low level, it already has Psybeam. That shit hurts a lot at this point in the game.

And Raven just got tenure!

[spoiler=Devon Corp Guy]

Well, if it isn't the fuckface that couldn't deal with a lone drug pirate.

I only did it for the money.

Well, after I had to defend it from drug pirates.

You're welcome, bitch.

Stop with the flattery.

Riiight... where's my money?

Please tell me you now have Master Balls.

What I just got was a Repeat Ball. This ball has increased effectiveness against things that you've already caught. Utter waste of time IMO.

They also sell another type of Ball that will be covered in the next screencap.

Timer Balls are also available here. These balls increase in strength the longer a battle drags out. Unlike Repeat Balls, these ones ARE useful, since most legendary battles tend to drag out for like 20-30 turns.

Next time on Pokemon Emerald Abridged:

'Which way back to Mt. Chimney? I'm pretty sure that I'm going the right way, but...'