Let's Do It! XCOM: ENEMY UNKNOWN

[Rehab]

No, but I do have at least 2 unfortunately-named dead Argentinian ladies

[Esau of Isaac]

If they'd been Murrikan, it wouldn't have happened.

Speaking of which, I never run across Americans when recruiting. In my first game the majority of my team was from South Africa. Now they're all Australian. Let's take some shrimp off the barbie and put some hotdogs and hamburgers there already. Yeesh.

[IGdood]

I cheated by naming one of my heroes Sid Meier. Shit was so cash.

[Integrity]

let's do it do it to it

[spoiler=omgggggggggggggggggg]

Mind Control is a powerful tool.

FURETCHENNNNNN

Fucking thing had TWO Sectopods in it.

yes ma'am

Ethereals are supposed to be flimsy and girly, not REFLECT BULLETS (yes they do this) and have lots of HP. GAAAAAAAAAAME

they actually flank you

Boron delivers sweet justice.

MIND SHIELD

too bad we'll probably never make one

...didn't I shoot you down?

We're getting really close, guys.

Just ain't fair.

JOSE IRONCOCK is the only man who can do this. JOSE GO

Roll out.

Sectoids? Really, game?

...rift?

what the fuck

The ship is staffed with each kind of alien we've had to face, in rough order of badditude. The Wutz makes short work of, uh, all of them. DOGA melts brains.

Fun Fact: this motherfucker is actually called "Uber Ethereal".

This part took a very, very lot of reloading. Why? You can't cover on this side of the massive door, which fucks line of sight in every way. I was very angry.

So the UBER ETHEREAL has 20 HP and reflects bullets occasionally. Fortunately Jose has acquired me a Muton buddy and nobody has died yet.

DOGA MOTHERFUCKING BLOCKOVICH

[Integrity]

[spoiler=the end]

JOSE

A sequence plays whereby Jose sees the world DIE, and then telekinetically throws his squadmates out of the room.

JOSE WHAT ARE YOU DOING

JOSE IS RAISING THE CRITICAL SHIP INTO SPACE

Jose went out like a star, and became a meteor shower upon his death. Jose Ironcock, we salute you. Please allow a moment to pass before you progress to the next set of images.

[spoiler=other stuff]

WHAM

[Solanum Tuberosum]

dat wuz short

JOSE

[Integrity]

dat wuz short

JOSE

I played a *lot*.

[riariadne]

Glorious.

Short but intense. Another mighty victory for Integrity.

[Scarlet]

That was fast. Wasn't the original a bit longer? (Or did I just get that impression because it had more pointless combat?)

In any case, that was a nice read.

Even though you were playing Classic and did lots of missions with the rating "Difficult" or "Very difficult", you didn't seem to have a whole lot of problems judging from what you showed to us. Is the game really that easy, are you just that good, or did you save-scum the heck out of the missions (in addition to the instances you made us aware of)?

I kinda wonder what this game'll be like in Impossible Ironman difficulty, though, haha. You know you want to do it.

[peener weener]

;_______;

[riariadne]

I kinda wonder what this game'll be like in Impossible Ironman difficulty, though, haha. You know you want to do it.

Apparently the people who have done it so far take a really fucking long time and rely on AI manipulation. But it hasn't been that long.

I feel like this is actually probably about as long as the other one. For Integrity's very own TFtD let's play he took about a month doing a mission each day. He did a bunch of missions every day for this one and did it in a lot less time, so it feels shorter.

[Parrhesia]

Project Michael Testing Process

Col. Gunnington: ... Michael?

Dr. Vahlen: Ja. Like the archangel Michael. Because this is the prototype Archangel Armour.

Col. Gunnington: I don't get it.

Dr. Vahlen: ... Moving on. This is the heaviest armour we have available.

Col. Gunnington: Sweet! I can tank like nobody's business now!

Dr. Vahlen: Quite. But now it has been equipped with a jetpack. The buttons on your right bracer control it, although that is subject to change should we find a more intuitive interface.

Col. Gunnington: Right! Okay, so just push the big red button, right?

Dr. Vahlen: OH GOD NO THAT'S THE SELF-DESTRUCT BUTTON TO STOP THIS FROM FALLING INTO ENEMY HANDS-

Col. Gunnington: ... Why would you put a big red self-destruct button where most people would put the 'go' button? Weird. Anyway... what about green?

Dr. Vahlen: Ja, green's the right button.

Col. Gunnington: A'ight! ... What's that beeping noise?

Dr. Vahlen: Beeping? Hold on a second, what's going on ther-

Explosion.

Col. Gunnington: OH GOD MY BACK IS ON FIRE THERE IS BURNING SHRAPNEL LODGED IN MY SPINE AAAH-

Dr. Vahlen's Notes: Future models of the Archangel Armour will be made keeping Furetchen's colour-blindness in mind.

Psionic Testing: Monica O'Rourke

Dr. Ivander: Are you comfortable? Is everything in order?

M. O'Rourke: I guess.

Dr. Ivander: Excellent. Then we'll start, shall we? I'll just flash these lights in your eyes and we'll see if you have what we scientists call 'the Gift'. Just tell us what images you see in them, alright?

M. O'Rourke: 'kay, I guess. ... Hey hold on a second I have pretty bad epilepssgjznghiyj-

Result: No Gift

Psionic Testing: Augustine Crowe

Dr. Ivander: Alright. Corporal Crowe?

Cpl. Crowe: That's right.

Dr. Ivander: Now, just making sure... you aren't epileptic, and you don't have sexual fantasies about the alien menace. Correct?

Cpl. Crowe: Well... yeah.

Dr. Ivander: Okay... now we'll flash these lights, and tell me what you see.

Cpl. Crowe: Alright. Roll it. ... Oh god. Oh, no.

Dr. Ivander: What?

Cpl. Crowe: Oh jesus no! I ... my body's shot to bits... there's hardly enough left to bury... head's intact, though, gets preserved and sh- shipped back to the States... oh god... a-am I seeing the future? I can't... this can't be! NO!

Crowe tears free from the chains and runs out of the room screaming. Ivander disables the machine.

Dr. Ivander: Hmph! Well, it's clear he doesn't have the gift... X-COM's rates of casualties are hardly notable nowadays! He may not be a psion, that one, but he's got a long, strong career ahead of him...

Result: No Gift

The Last Will and Testament of Corporal Augustine Crowe

I devote all my life's savings to assassinations on everyone in charge of X-COM recruitment. Everyone.

I also wish-

Static, then a new recording plays; the following words are from a clearly Dundalk-accented female.

-that the dashing and wonderful Monica O'Rourke is promoted in my stead and also given a bigger gun and robotic armour, and preferably a tank.

Dr. Vahlen: ... Did you tamper with this in any way, O'Rourke?

M. O'Rourke: I plead the fifth.

Dr. Vahlen: You're Irish, and we're in South Africa.

M. O'Rourke: ... okay, maybe I did fiddle with the wording a bit, but if I had the guile to do that, then aren't I a natural corporal anyway?

Dr. Vahlen: Eh, I guess.

From: President Rufus Baldeagle

To: X-COM Central

Subject: Go fuck yourselves

Dear X-COM fucksticks,

As you may or may not be aware, I overcame a massive deficit of funding and vote-rigging to become the USA's first Independent president last year, and my first year in office was marked by success. The USA flourished. We were happy, we were successful, and the recession of last decade was already being written out of Texan economics textbooks.

And then you come along claiming some alien menace approaches. And you turn out to be right. Not only do you take several US Marines into your elite force, but you let many of them die. Rachel Slamlord? Jarret Falcon? That Birde guy, with a faggy first name? Probably some other guys? Yeah. I have run out of patience for body bags, even if you did put patriotic stars and stripes on them.

And now your satellite that you assured us would ensure our security gets shot down? Fuck you, and good riddance. We will be slashing your funding for DARING to be shot down over our borders. Why? Because fuck you. My approval rating is at an all-time low of 8%, and the Still Better Than The Other Guy index is at a mere 33%! It's a disgrace. So fuck you, X-COM. Fuck your satellite. Fuck your project. Fuck your 'desire to defend the realm by any means available.' And go fuck yourselves, but make sure to do it the fuck away from my country.

Love, Roofie.

Audio Transcript of the Final Battle

Lightning, Shaved Bear, Furetchen, Boron, Graf and Whatever deployed

1456 to 1504

Furetchen: Ironcock.

Silence.

Furetchen: IRONCOCK!

Whatever: What?!

Furetchen: Listen, I know you're, like, about to save the world or whatever, but, like... I just wanted you to know that I totally called this.

Graf: Ja, ja, all very touching. Now shut up.

Furetchen: A'ight. LET'S ROLL, MUTHAFUCKAS- oh, hey, that's what's been talking to us all this time.

Strider: KILL IT! KILL IT FATALLY!

Boron: Oh god oh god oh god oh god

Furetchen: JESUS CHRIST I JUST SHOT MYSELF IN THE FUCKING FACE AAAGH

Lightning: OH FUCK SO DID I AAAAAA

The Old One: Your comrades are brave, but foolish. This will all be for naught. Your efforts are wasted.

Whatever: Shut up. God! I'm trying to do a job here.

Boron: What was that? I'm keeping firing and it's keeping not working well.

Furetchen: he who lives by the alloy cannon... dies by the alloy cannon...

Boron: Hang in there, Colonel! It's only going to be a matter of time before we can get you some aid!

The Old One: Cast them aside. This should just be between you and me. The two greatest psions the world has ever known.

Whatever: ... Okay, you know what? Sure. Let's just fucking do this so I can get back to Rio and party.

Massive shockwave; Whatever's brain almost implodes upon itself.

Whatever: ok that didnt feel great

Shaved Bear: THIS FIGHT ENDS HERE, FEEBLE ALIEN. SHAVED! BEAR!

A burst of plasma, staggering the Old One.

Whatever: Time to end this. Everyone... get out of here.

Lightning: i cant walk someone tell me if all this blood is mine

Whatever: GO!

A final, overpowering psionic force shuts down every comm-link; however, the epilogues of the relevant are recorded here for posterity.

Doga 'Shaved Bear' Blockovich honoured Pene-de-Hierro's last requests and lived out his days in Brazil, eventually becoming its benevolent dictator.

Dave 'Lightning' Strider was weak enough that Pene-de-Hierro's mind blast pushed him all the way into the Pacific. He was found by X-COM three weeks later, his corpse being used as a totem by an island tribe.

Ciaran 'Furetchen' Gunnington fell into a mattress factory being used as a front for a brothel underground it. As a result, he survived the fall in what was later described as a 'totally fucking slapstick' way, surrounded by attractive prostitutes. His last words before blacking out were reportedly, "Am I in Heaven?"

Monica O'Rourke never earned a nickname while she stayed with X-COM, but eventually published her memoirs in the form of a film, "Fuck X-COM And Fuck Everyone Involved With The Project." Despite an amateur cast, it was a smash success before being mysteriously shut down by men in black suits.

Gregor 'Hurlbat' Manhands died the way he lived; holding a rifle, broke and largely unnoticed. It is said he was stabbed by one of his seventeen wives when she became aware of the other sixteen.

Xin 'Boron' Li and Friedrich 'Graf' Wutzenstein went on to marry and have exceptionally ethnically diverse children. They continued the X-COM project, all the way until the great merging of the cities, and the beginning of Project Apocalypse...

Edited October 17, 2012 by Furetchen

[IGdood]

HEROIC SACRIFICE.

Good LP, good LP. Badass motherfuckers all around.

Now we'll have nothing awesome to look at unless I continue my Fallout Tactics LP, start a Myth 3 one, or wait for Rome 2 Total War to come out where everyone gets a custom legion.

Fuck yer.

[eclipse]

Welp, looks like I was a bullet case.

[Integrity]

That was fast. Wasn't the original a bit longer? (Or did I just get that impression because it had more pointless combat?)

In any case, that was a nice read.

Even though you were playing Classic and did lots of missions with the rating "Difficult" or "Very difficult", you didn't seem to have a whole lot of problems judging from what you showed to us. Is the game really that easy, are you just that good, or did you save-scum the heck out of the missions (in addition to the instances you made us aware of)?

I kinda wonder what this game'll be like in Impossible Ironman difficulty, though, haha. You know you want to do it.

First bit: eighteen updates (i sorted them by folder :3), ~20 hours total /played. For reference, I /played about 20 hours in the original X-COM and that was with a clunkier interface and EQUIPPING SOLDIERS. I did take fewer screenshots, and I ran a few lategame missions that produced basically nothing for content. All told, I'd say the game was about the same length, maybe a littler shorter.

Second bit: I savescummed the crap out of some things, but I tried to make you guys aware of when I did. Otherwise, there were mostly just spotty loads like "furetchen was in heavy cover under dense smoke and got killed by a suppressed muton" that I was too mad with to roll with. Notably, several times you see a stunned new enemy I did abuse the shit out of it just to see if we'd get anything fun - most notably, I went through like 10 loads to get the stunned Muton Elite towards the end, discarding several where Boron just killed him.

EDIT:

Monica O'Rourke never earned a nickname while she stayed with X-COM,

Actually, she totes did in her last mission.

Edited October 17, 2012 by Mr. Sparkles

[Rehab]

IMO Classic with saves is a bit harder than Radiant Dawn (western) Normal, and for a longer period, but once you start upgrading your weapons and your troops become hardasses, it can snowball quickly. Classic Ironman will be at least a little messy almost no matter what, but play carefully (as in ZERO big mistakes, and think about how to deal with something going wrong before you make a move) (and maybe abuse the AI a little) and it's not quite too bullshit. I don't even want to know about Impossible, I have no trouble imagining it's either think outside the box (abuse the AI) or die

[Ike-Mike]

Good one.

And the Earth was saved in under a year, no less.

[IGdood]

I like how Firaxis claimed that Impossible Ironman is only theoretically possible.

[IGdood]

Hey Integrity, are you planning on doing a LP with this?

http://kotaku.com/xcom-enemy-unknown-gets-its-first-major-expansion-this-1175378649