Is it normal to feel bad when you like someone?

[Junkhead]

Hi.

I tend to feel bad more often than not when I like someone. At school, I feel unconfterble when that person's there. It's not the normal nerves, but rather something negative that makes me lose my energy.

[Solanum Tuberosum]

well i dont know if its normal but it happens to me too lol

depends on your personality type i guess

[Serene Flight]

Welcome to the club (yes, there's a club for ppl like us).

Normal? Idk but probably not so common.

[Hawk King]

Just tell her how you feel.

[BrightBow]

Yeah, it makes me uncomfortable when people like me.

I think it's because I'm constantly afraid to make a mistake which turns the whole relationship on it's head. I know, I'm really bad with people.

Edited November 8, 2012 by BrightBow

[FionordeQuester]

I'd say it depends on what sort of thoughts you're having about her. If my hunch is correct about what you're feeling, and you're being haunted by lustful thoughts that involve you boning her, and you're sometimes tempted to do it without her permission, well...you should never do it without her permission, obviously, but I don't think it means you're messed up, if those are the kinds of thoughts that are getting you down.

I think a lot of men, including myself, have those sorts of thoughts at first when we're new to this this. It's just a matter of waiting it out, and once you've waited long enough, all of a sudden they're not so bad anymore, like you just got over a really bad sickness. And this happens whether she actually becomes your girlfriend or not (which wasn't the case with me, as she didn't share my feelings. She still considers us "the bestest of friends" though!).

If I'm correct, then I would make sure to do these things until then...

1) Seek out a good, understanding person to talk to about your feelings, AND BE HONEST about them!

2) Whatever feelings you have are perfectly natural. Don't psyche yourself out by feeling otherwise.

3) Be prepared for the possibility of her not being interested. It happens, and it just means you'll have to move on, and you WILL be able to do that.

4) If you're worried that what you're feeling isn't truly lasting love, just remember, it's also perfectly natural to start losing PASSIONATE feelings about your partner...don't worry, that sort of thing comes and goes in cycles.

5) Definitely abstain from sex until you're sure you guys are in a committed relationship. After that, it's up to you, but just realize that if you guys break up at any point, it's going to be that much harder on her and you than if you guys never had sex. Important processes involving chemicals like Oxytocin happen during sex to build up an even deeper sense of infatuation and closeness with your partner, so if that's done before you guys even know if you would make good friends...the results are going to be pretty messy.

So, what do you think?

EDIT: Actually, you know what, I just realized...are we even talking about someone you have romantic interest in? If not...whoops

If you're talking about normal friends, I've never had the feelings you're talking about before, but, I would probably just say that you ought not to psyche yourself out, and remember what marks a good friend from a bad one. Don't feel bad when they stop calling you their friend just because you won't let them mooch off of you for example.

Edited November 8, 2012 by FionordeQuester

[Excellen Browning]

Hi.

I tend to feel bad more often than not when I like someone. At school, I feel unconfterble when that person's there. It's not the normal nerves, but rather something negative that makes me lose my energy.

No it is not. I at least rcognize myself in it. I figured it has to do with self confidence.

[FionordeQuester]

Actually, you know what? If we're talking just friends, could you please provide one or more examples of what you're talking about? I might be able to picture it in my head better then.

[Junkhead]

Just tell her how you feel.

The thing is, you can't even call it a "crush", or I can't even say I "like" her. I do like her, but the feelings are not that of a normal kind of crush. They really aren't.

Yeah, it makes me uncomfortable when people like me.

I think it's because I'm constantly afraid to make a mistake which turns the whole relationship on it's head. I know, I'm really bad with people.

I didn't say I feel like that when people like me, I said that I feel like that when I like someone. It's happened before.

I'd say it depends on what sort of thoughts you're having about her. If my hunch is correct about what you're feeling, and you're being haunted by lustful thoughts that involve you boning her, and you're sometimes tempted to do it without her permission, well...you should never do it without her permission, obviously, but I don't think it means you're messed up, if those are the kinds of thoughts that are getting you down.

I think a lot of men, including myself, have those sorts of thoughts at first when we're new to this this. It's just a matter of waiting it out, and once you've waited long enough, all of a sudden they're not so bad anymore, like you just got over a really bad sickness. And this happens whether she actually becomes your girlfriend or not (which wasn't the case with me, as she didn't share my feelings. She still considers us "the bestest of friends" though!).¨

I don't have those kind of thoughts about her. That's disrespectful.

I've had my share of empty lust thoughts before, but not about her, of all others.

So, what do you think?

Well, I really do thank you for taking your time wriiting that up. It seems you have experience backing you up.

Personally, I wouldn't mind being friends with her...even if I can't even do that.

No it is not. I at least rcognize myself in it. I figured it has to do with self confidence.

?

"It's" not what? That doesn't make any sense. You should bold specific areas to see what you're referring to.

And yes, it has something to do with self-confidence, I suppose- But self-cofidence can only go so far if that person doesn't see you the way you see yourself. >_>

[Excellen Browning]

What I meant is that it's not unnatural or not normal when you feel odd or bad when you're trying to be with someone you like. Or to find it draining, for that matter.Hell, probably most of the people I know pretty well have that feeling.

Edited November 8, 2012 by Daigoji Excellen

[Junkhead]

Oh...

But I heard a few people say it's a good feeling, even if it's more often than not.

I don't expect to be the only one who feels like this...

[Espinosa]

Self-esteem, vanity and desire to possess are pretty normal categories in sexual/romantic relationships. And a lot of those do start with casual interest that grows when communication starts and the two sides put in some effort.

[FionordeQuester]

I don't have those kind of thoughts about her. That's disrespectful. I've had my share of empty lust thoughts before, but not about her, of all others.

Well...actually, maybe it wasn't so much that, so much as it felt like my body was about to explode during that time. I remember that if I did start having those thoughts, I did my best to shake them off, no matter how tempting it was to entertain them, and no matter how badly I wanted to try to become her partner RIGHT NOW. It was...honestly a very trying time for me...but as I said, it got better in a matter of months. In fact, I don't even seem to have those sorts of feelings for the aforementioned girl now (now we're just best buds).

It was the very first time I've ever been in love with someone, so maybe that had something to do with it as well.

Well, I really do thank you for taking your time wriiting that up. It seems you have experience backing you up.

Yeah. I felt nervous about going into how I struggled with lustful thoughts, but, I wasn't going to potentially let someone else look at a post, realize how mundane it was , and think they're must be something wrong with them because they're having the feelings they have. Because that's the sort of self-defeating attitude that makes things all that much harder.

Personally, I wouldn't mind being friends with her...even if I can't even do that.

Ah, I wouldn't worry about a thing as far as being friends go. As long as you find talking to each other at least somewhat interesting, share some interests, and contact each other semi-regularly, it should be a snap. That's how it usually is for me anyways.

[Agro]

I don't have those kind of thoughts about her. That's disrespectful.

I've had my share of empty lust thoughts before, but not about her, of all others.

How is wanting to bone someone disrespectful? It's completely natural and normal and if you're trying to suppress those thoughts you're probably turning yourself into a serial killer.

edit: whoops missed the "without her permission" part

Edited November 9, 2012 by Agro

[bottlegnomes]

Well the without her permission part is a serious problem, and should never ever be done, but it sounds more like he's got a Madonna-whore complex (yay Freud). There's nothing wrong with having lustful thoughts about someone you're friends with or have a crush on.

Basically, are you in the friends zone? If you are, and there's someone you think she likes, you're jealous. Otherwise, you're probably psyching yourself out. Go for broke.

[Ansem]

just stop being a fgt

[Original Alear]

Hi.

I tend to feel bad more often than not when I like someone. At school, I feel unconfterble when that person's there. It's not the normal nerves, but rather something negative that makes me lose my energy.

Give in to the swoon.

OR

There are those who are weakened by their affections, because they believe feeling affection is a weakness.

hehehe

I'm sure everything everyone else said is right.

Edited November 10, 2012 by L1049

[FionordeQuester]

Well the without her permission part is a serious problem, and should never ever be done, but it sounds more like he's got a Madonna-whore complex (yay Freud). There's nothing wrong with having lustful thoughts about someone you're friends with or have a crush on.

Basically, are you in the friends zone? If you are, and there's someone you think she likes, you're jealous. Otherwise, you're probably psyching yourself out. Go for broke.

Hmm, are you talking about me or Soul?

[bottlegnomes]

Soul.

[Junkhead]

How is wanting to bone someone disrespectful? It's completely natural and normal and if you're trying to suppress those thoughts you're probably turning yourself into a serial killer.

edit: whoops missed the "without her permission" part

I think it's disrespectful to think of a person that way.

Please, don't take it too literally- Most would say something along the lines of "BUT WITHOUT LUST THE HUMAN RACE WOULD NOT EXIST" when I say this, but this isn't directly linked, and it isn't the case.

I am sorry if my train of thought variates too much from what is supposed to be "normal", "logical" or "natural", but those really aren't excuses (especially the "it's natural" line". Of course it's natural to be attracted to a person, but thinking of having sex with them when you actually have feelings for them is not something I find decent.

Sorry, I just have morals.

[Rehab]

This thread thus far

Soul IMO it depends how you look at it

"I want to use that person's body to achieve an orgasm," okay yeah that's being disrespectful

"I want to be close enough to that person that we could both feel comfortable letting our guards down enough to touch each other," okay if you factor in all the pressure and other possible negative feelings somebody might have on the subject then it could be less than totally respectful, but in a vacuum I don't think it's immoral so to speak

[Original Alear]

Soul IMO it depends how you look at it

"I want to use that person's body to achieve an orgasm," okay yeah that's being disrespectful

"I want to be close enough to that person that we could both feel comfortable letting our guards down enough to touch each other," okay if you factor in all the pressure and other possible negative feelings somebody might have on the subject then it could be less than totally respectful, but in a vacuum I don't think it's immoral so to speak

I think that feeling bad about such feelings may convey a respect for the person that exceeds any disrespect represented by sexual desire (or it could just be puritanical quackery).

As for a sexual desire, I think even a very selfish and objectifying one can be beyond the scope of intent, and I think that which is beyond intent cannot be respectful or disrespectful (i.e., if gravity causes me to bow under the weight of a burden, that is not a sincere sign of respect - only a bow I make under the weight of my respect for my limitations, subject to gravity, sincerely conveys my respect for gravity). Actions taken according to that desire would probably be disrespectful. One shows respect through action and through inaction, but not through wanting.

"Ambition metastasizes in the absence of scruple."

Edited November 15, 2012 by Mouse

[Ohnonono]

There could be a variety of reasons why one would feel bad when they like someone. For example, one of the reasons is that you feel you are not deserving of such a person. Sometimes when you feel you start to like someone, you tend to stop right there, and reflect on the differences between you and that guy. For example, you might go on thinking that said person is good while realizing a lot of your weaknesses, thus making you very hesitant on your approach towards them. I think this reaction is quite natural, as in a way it'll spark a motivation for yourself to start reflecting on your self-worth and think how you can make it better. Up to the point where you two can see each other as equals and not "No, they're such great people, I don't deserve to breathe in the same air as they do."

At least that's what I think about it.

[bottlegnomes]

I think it's disrespectful to think of a person that way.

Please, don't take it too literally- Most would say something along the lines of "BUT WITHOUT LUST THE HUMAN RACE WOULD NOT EXIST" when I say this, but this isn't directly linked, and it isn't the case.

I am sorry if my train of thought variates too much from what is supposed to be "normal", "logical" or "natural", but those really aren't excuses (especially the "it's natural" line". Of course it's natural to be attracted to a person, but thinking of having sex with them when you actually have feelings for them is not something I find decent.

Sorry, I just have morals.

Like I said, Madonna/Whore Complex. Time for a 5 second definition. Madonna/Whore Complex: when you can't view people you respect or have feelings for in a sexual way because you feel it's disrespectful or demeaning and you can't respect or have feelings beyond lust for people you view in a sexual way because you feel they aren't worthy of respect.

It's one of the few Freudian theories I think has any merit. You're far from the only person to feel this way. I'm not saying you're guilty of the latter part; that would be an asinine assumption on my part, but the first part sounds fairly accurate.

No offense, but "I just have morals" isn't exactly a good defense, unless you don't want to have sex with anyone unless you're married to her or feel that way about all girls or something along one of those lines. Like Rehab said, something along the lines of "I wanna cum in your butt" (I apologize for the crudeness, but I'm really trying to illustrate a point.) is disrespectful because you're objectifying the person, but "I want to engage in an act that will bring both of us great pleasure both physically and emotionally as well as strengthen our relationship" is anything but disrespectful; it's a symbiotic relationship.

Edited November 30, 2012 by bottlegnomes

[Junkhead]

I understand what you mean.

But things like these aren't ones you can argue against by just using logic. Things like honor and faith don't use athiest, cold, scientific logic to be explain or argued against.

This of course, is one of those cases. I know when to be a gentlemen when it matters.