Heir of Dragons and Beasts Posted January 7, 2020 Share Posted January 7, 2020 (edited) This is the feedback for the story, I would like positive feedback and what I could do to improve. Also I'll be posting every Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Please follow the story topic for updates Edited January 10, 2020 by PeonyofLeosa Dreamworld Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Gerwald of Vallora Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 So I think I mentioned it before I found what you have for your story interesting so far, but I'm curious, what kind of continent is it set on? On top of that, what kind of races and mechanics are you thinking of? IE: Manaketes/Taguel, Laguz, ECT. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 You only seem to have a few characters so far, and kinda bare bones descriptions at that. Some more info on the setting would be nice. What countries exist, how do they operate? What landmarks and terrain does each country have? How do the countries interact with each other? Is there a dark cult like the Agarthans/slithers that they all have to fight? Who's the protagonist and antagonist? But since you posted bios, I'd like to plug my 2nd gen 3H. "Everybody lives" AU. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Z9743GsK0Cq8u1rV7nzXDyP6wdpohhvgxMyK2DJuHFY/edit?usp=sharing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Von Ithipathachai Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 ...What Dragoncat said. Again, there's not really enough to go off at the moment for helpful feedback to be given. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heir of Dragons and Beasts Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) 18 hours ago, Dragoncat said: Who's the protagonist There isn't a Byleth character I kind of thought what if three houses didn't have Byleth and got the idea. The four lords are the main protagonists Edited January 10, 2020 by PeonyofLeosa Dreamworld Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 1 hour ago, PeonyofLeosa Dreamworld said: There isn't a Byleth character I kind of thought what if three houses didn't have Byleth and got the idea. The four lords are the main protagonists Doesn't answer any of my other questions. All of these things need to be decided. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heir of Dragons and Beasts Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) Just posted the history of Banbha it might be a tad much to read and might be a tad bit confusing. But also would like positive feedback on what I could make better. Also to answer @Sir Wolfram of Vallora the races I plan on including are: Manaketes Demons Bakeneko Swan Maidens Tengu - the same as the Swan Maidens except they turn into Brown Swans while the female turn into White Swans Onikuma Tanuki  Edited January 10, 2020 by PeonyofLeosa Dreamworld Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Gerwald of Vallora Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 2 hours ago, PeonyofLeosa Dreamworld said: Just posted the history of Banbha it might be a tad much to read and might be a tad bit confusing. But also would like positive feedback on what I could make better. Also to answer @Sir Wolfram of Vallora the races I plan on including are: Manaketes Demons Bakeneko Swan Maidens Tengu - the same as the Swan Maidens except they turn into Brown Swans while the female turn into White Swans Onikuma Tanuki  Nice. I like the variety, although I can't imagine how useful a swan would be in combat. Then again, I've seen plenty of angrery geese, so maybe they would be effective in some way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Von Ithipathachai Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 17 minutes ago, Sir Wolfram of Vallora said: Nice. I like the variety, although I can't imagine how useful a swan would be in combat. Then again, I've seen plenty of angrery geese, so maybe they would be effective in some way. They sound vaguely similar to Heron Laguz. But I'm not really sure how all these different races will fit into a Three Houses-like system. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heir of Dragons and Beasts Posted January 10, 2020 Author Share Posted January 10, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Von Ithipathachai said: They sound vaguely similar to Heron Laguz. But I'm not really sure how all these different races will fit into a Three Houses-like system. Each of their classes excel in a certain weapon besides their stones. Swan Maiden/Tengu - Wind Magic: Their ancestor was gifted by Alizeh with enchanted wings that would allow them to utilize wind magic as a form of fighting. Bakeneko - Brawling: When they can' t transform that's when the claws and fists come out. Onikuma - Axe: Onikuma are known for using axes for breaking stone or when being ambushed. Tanuki - Sword(Kind of got this idea from Raphtalia from Rising of Shield Hero) They utilize their high speed to attack enemies with swift sword attacks when their stones have run out of power. Demon - Dagger : Demons utilize their abilities to not be seen and throw daggers from afar. Manakete - Light Magic: Manaketes were taught Light magic by Anath as a way to guide the humans to peace and heal their own or to destroy those born of malice. Edited January 10, 2020 by PeonyofLeosa Dreamworld Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted January 10, 2020 Share Posted January 10, 2020 I have read your plot synopsis. The only non human race you mention is the manaketes, how do the others fit in? And the four demigod girls, what are they doing now? Are they working to help bring back their father? Being worshipped by humans, and working to keep their father in the past where he belongs? Or a combo of the two with each one having their own views? Who was the mother, and what about her made this god fall for her? Was she a warrior priestess or something? Think about how Byleth's mom is described, very briefly but we can gather from what Jeralt says about her, why she was so special and why he loved her. I think your non human races using the human weapons would be an effective masquerade deal. Think of Rhea using magic until she's really pissed and takes dragon form. Something like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heir of Dragons and Beasts Posted January 13, 2020 Author Share Posted January 13, 2020 On 1/10/2020 at 2:42 PM, Dragoncat said: I have read your plot synopsis. The only non human race you mention is the manaketes, how do the others fit in? And the four demigod girls, what are they doing now? Are they working to help bring back their father? Being worshipped by humans, and working to keep their father in the past where he belongs? Or a combo of the two with each one having their own views? Who was the mother, and what about her made this god fall for her? Was she a warrior priestess or something? Think about how Byleth's mom is described, very briefly but we can gather from what Jeralt says about her, why she was so special and why he loved her. I think your non human races using the human weapons would be an effective masquerade deal. Think of Rhea using magic until she's really pissed and takes dragon form. Something like that. Thanks I'll have to redo it then and implement them in Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sir Gerwald of Vallora Posted February 5, 2020 Share Posted February 5, 2020 On 1/13/2020 at 6:22 AM, PeonyofLeosa Dreamworld said: History of Banbha: Long ago, the land of Banbha was ruled by eight races: the Humans, the Manaketes, the Demons, the Tanuki, the Onikuma, the Bakeneko, the Swan Maidens, and the Tengu. There was peace between them for a hundred years, yet over the hundred years the eight clans began to fear each other, as the years went on some of the clans began to form alliances with others to take the others out. This fear would eventually lead to the war referred to as the War of the Eight, this war would continue on for 5 years until it was brought to an end as Banbha had run out of life. Banbha was dying, yet the eight clans still wanted to continue their fight for total control of the land that’s when the children of the eight leaders decided that the war needed to end so that Banbha could live and their clans wouldn’t die out. The children prayed to the heavens and hoped that someone would answer their prayers that someone would make this war stop… as they began to lose hope, their prayers were answered. From the heavens descended four all powerful gods: Anath - The Mother of All Life, Vulcan - King of Fire and Warcraft, Isis - Queen of the Skies and Stars, and Thoth - The Father of Magic. The gods brought and end to the war and restored Banbha back to life, the gods gave the eight clans gifts to prevent the land from ever dying out again. The gods kept watch over Banbha in particular Thoth, for he had fallen in love with a human priestess by the name of Krista, she was beautiful and always kind to the other seven clans. Thoth decided that he would disguise himself and meet her, so he did and when he laid eyes upon her he knew that she was the one meant for him… The two would eventually grow closer and eventually married, from their love they bore four beautiful daughters and a son. Thoth and Krista were happy because they had a family, and were deeply in love but that happiness was destroyed due to the growing feeling of greed and jealousy… Krista was killed by a clansman from one of the eight clans this drove Thoth to insanity, filling him with grief, anger, and sadness. Thoth eventually found an ally in a woman who knew the pain he felt and with her help raised an army and declared war on the eight clans… This woman was referred to as the Dark Empress of Exordia. The clans were unprepared for the war, they were then enslaved and soon this gave birth to the Exordia Empire. The darkness that began to befall the land, spread until Banbha was consumed and the clans hope was crushed. Yet, wherever there was despair there was also hope… From the darkness, they rose bringing hope to the clans once more. They were called the Divine Heroes each hailing from one of the eight clans: Alexander : Boonie King of Salvation Harmonia: Blazing Dragon Saint Odette: White Swan Queen Azazel: Hellish Trickster Ariella: Lioness Queen Auberon: Black Bear King Saburo: Crimson Sky King Alfred: Swift Striker These eight heroes were given weapons to put an end to Thoth and the darkness he had spread throughout the world… The war began between the Divine Heroes against the Dark Empress and Thoth, But then something happened, something that drove Thoth even more insane… His daughters and son betrayed him They took up arms against him, hoping to change his mind and end the war  The heroes brought an end to the dark god's tyranny and then sealed him away. Light shone over Banbha once more and from on then there was peace for eternity. The four daughters now known as the Four Priestesses of Harmony, aided in the restoration of Banbha. Each year they would put on a performance combining all of their powers into one and heal Banbha, this performance was called the Song of Restoration. To honor the priestesses, the Divine Heroes created the Festival of Four. This Festival would lead to the birth of a new alliance between the eight clans. Born from the new alliance between the eight clans The Humans were given eight kingdoms The Manaketes were given an Empire The Swan Maidens/Tengu were given a kingdom in the forests. The Bakeneko/Onikuma/Tanuki were given a kingdom in the mountains. And the Demons were given a kingdom in the deserts  But, many years from now the dark god will return and he will have his revenge... I just read through what you put down in the main topic, and I like what you have. These are all good ideas and I like where it's going. This all makes for a good setup, and if made a little less expositiony and set as an opening narration, this would do great help to let everyone get a chanve to know the story. Overall, you have some really good ideas. I hope to hear more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heir of Dragons and Beasts Posted April 3, 2020 Author Share Posted April 3, 2020 So I am currently working on this and may have changed a few things In progress: Prologue, Ch1, Ch2, and Ch3 Currently completed: Main P and Lords Houses and Characters Classes and Skills Wondering if someone wanted to draw some of the characters if your not busy atm? Â Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heir of Dragons and Beasts Posted April 21, 2020 Author Share Posted April 21, 2020 @Von Ithipathachai @Sir Wolfram of Vallora @Benice @Goddess Serra @Dragoncat https://docs.google.com/document/d/1M-axCjTLU2FKCTvtSsnuDzg2OpbkzcztZQTxC20T7Gk/edit?usp=sharing I made a google doc for the Main Characters and some of the locations I have so far https://docs.google.com/document/d/1F7f-LrXx7iNUq829MzyJ0JC21jaNX-GprK56RSHtI1Y/edit?usp=sharing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Von Ithipathachai Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 Swanahilde's section looks weirdly indented for some reason, like it's a sub-kingdom of Armaros even though it probably isn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heir of Dragons and Beasts Posted April 21, 2020 Author Share Posted April 21, 2020 thanks I fixed it I plan on making this into a fan-game just like how you did with Ascension @Von Ithipathachai Do you know how to get access to the Lion Throne Engine? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Von Ithipathachai Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 Â Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted April 21, 2020 Share Posted April 21, 2020 Hey, you've done a lot of work here! I always thought it would be fun if Byleth had a dragon form, like your "Byleth" is a manakete. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heir of Dragons and Beasts Posted April 21, 2020 Author Share Posted April 21, 2020 Well Alain in terms of story-wise is similar to Byleth however character wise their different Alain is a fully speaking male protagonist @Dragoncat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dragoncat Posted April 22, 2020 Share Posted April 22, 2020 2 hours ago, PeonyofLeosa Dreamworld said: Well Alain in terms of story-wise is similar to Byleth however character wise their different Alain is a fully speaking male protagonist @Dragoncat Even better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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