Life

I would like to use this thread to announce my maturity over the last two years and return to Mafia. You're all fucked.

Use literal spaces. Hit the spacebar about five to ten times (personal preference) and then don't double space between paragraphs. It'll make your life a lot easier.On Word, I set it for an auto indent of half an inch and use that instead of TAB. I also format my page so that there's no spaceing between lines or paragraphs. That's not what I meant. Rather than find adjectives for "said", describe actions instead of how the person spoke. It changes up the sentence structure and makes it more enjoyable to read. Or describe the situation between sentences. Here's an example from my work. The dialogue sounds a lot smoother and allows for a lot more imagination just because it allows for proper imagination. It describes the scene but doesn't go into overkill. Always a good thing. Read some fiction and look at the way authors write. It's what I do and each time I write something, it sounds better than the last passage.

Sunday. Week in Israel starts on Sunday.

This is why disclaimers exist on the publishing information page. The point is that it is entirely coincidental if it reflects someone in real life IF we are talking about fiction.

So here are my current thoughts (it's a break from my own work and research). I know that you love long chapters. That's fine. But the format drives my brain crazy and I lose total interest in continuing on. I find that I need to skim your stuff because I just get bored. My suggestion: Stop double spacing between paragraphs and indent each paragraph. And stop finding synonyms for the word "said". You describe how every single sentence and it just doesn't flow when that happens. Here's a personal example from my own work of how I escaped that second trap. The problem with this site is that it's too wide and that makes the format look slightly weird here. But in Microsoft Word, it's hella dope. In addition, I don't feel the need to explain how they're talking because you can imagine it. This falls under "show, don't tell". You're still telling. Show instead. Let my mind do the work, not my eyes. EDIT: In addition, you have a very bad habit in your writing. You'll either have a very static conversation (expressed by straight-up back and forth talking with no descriptions for their actions at the same time) or only description. You need to learn to marry the two.

Round 7 (I think). Hook up line going over very well. Tonight shall be a success.

I dont believe in the walk of shame. I either fuck in a public place or in my apartment.

Reload round four. Gin and tonic. Oh baby, tonight will be epic.

Tonight, we drink and record. Im an hour in (Israel, were ahead) and Ive reloaded twice. Being a lightweight, gotta be careful as fuck. So Ive moved to gin & tonic. My goals tonight: 1. Go the distance. Tonight, I am motherfucking Ali. I am the walking man. I am the Survivor. Tonight, I am king. 2. Hook up with a hot girl. Been a long time since a bar hookup but also a long time since Ive been in a bar. 3. One night stand. Best case scenario is if 2 and 3 dont overlap. But if they do, fuck it. Tonight, we enjoy.

Villian? Scarecrow from Batman Begins always stands out. Simply because it's Cillian Murphy.

Get drunk and fuck a slutty nurse.

That I'm in the Combat Engineering Corps of the IDF. Rank: Sergeant, Job: Bulldozer and Sapper Commander.

So this first passage is the first notarized copy. The second is a more recent draft which sounds a lot more like a novel. Enjoy.

I fucked her and then forgot about her. I think I was only in it for the sex.

And... I'm back to happily single. That lets me go to bars and clubs without feeling guilty. Wonderful feeling. I love one night stands.

Let's see. Sleepy Hollow (S1) - I'm enjoying it. The best way to explain it would be "Haven but with a lot more money". The acting is quite decent and Ichabod doesn't come across as this godlike creature that deserves to be worshipped. Castle (S6) - If the show doesn't end at the end of this season, I'll be upset. It's had a great run and it's time to put it to bed, hopefully with the death of Castle in the final or second last episode. Scandal (S3) - Amazing. Love it. Just keep knocking out great episodes. Elementary (S2) - Same idea. A little more contact with Moriarty would be fun but considering that she's in prison, it's not urgent. New Girl (S3) - Fun show. I would sell my soul to Zooey Deschanel in a heartbeat. Once Upon A Time In Wonderland (S1) - Honestly, I'm not impressed yet. Alice is stupidly one-dimentional along with the Red Queen and I keep getting promised a Storybrooke connection. I'll drop this one at the end of its first season if it keeps going like this. That's it. I can't comment on Once Upon A Time since I'm still in the second season but I'm enjoying it. It's not great but it is fun to watch. And Under The Dome is a summer series so that's a no go.

When I get home, I'll post the opening passage from my redone Chapter 1. I'll put up the the official first version (what's up is copied from notebook which is my idea pad) and with a redone passage from my second draft which sounds a lot more like a book. I've also changed the working title to "Count Your Days" because that sounds a lot less cliched than "Heal Me".

Not gonna lie, even in my new draft, it sounds forced. I'm going to need to rewrite the whole thing to make it flow a lot more.

Appreciated. Ever since I moved to Israel, my English language skills have been declining. Since I've already rewritten a vast majority of chapter 1, most of your points don't apply to the most current draft but they're still good to know. Also, the single word/phrase stuff is more of a stylistic choice. Just saying.

Let's see... These are all of my currently caught up shows as of Saturday evening. Castle Sleepy Hollow Scandal Elementary New Girl Under The Dome Once Upon A Time In Wonderland (it's only two episodes but not that great, still watching) I'm currently working on season 2 of Once Upon A Time but that's about it. I tried GoT, Homeland and The Walking Dead and hated all of them. Go figure.

Haven't said it yet.

Here's the start to Chapter 2. I'm probably going to have to add more to Chapter 1 after this simply because it's rather short. Also, this book is mature so read at your own discretion. In addition, I've already figured out my mistakes. This is only a VERY rough draft, simply for the idea. CHAPTER 2 365 days left. Kacie was busy making tea when the doorbell began ringing. She considered answering it but there was a slight problem. It would probably be an issue for the other person if the door opened and a naked girl would be standing there. It wasn't as if she was hideous - actually, she was gorgeous - but if it turned out to be her father, that might make things awkward. She ran to the door and checked via the peephole. It wasn't. Good. At this point, she didn't give a flying fig about how the guy outside would feel. She was just in it for the high of the reaction. She opened the door wide and waited for a look of surprise and embarrassment to come. It didn't. "Kacie Myers?" Suddenly, it was Kacie's turn to be shocked. There was a cute guy standing outside and he hadn't flinched at the sight of a naked girl answering her door. It was almost as if someone had warned him... Then it hit her. She crossed her arms and stared at him. "John sent you, didn't he?" A chuckle. "Yep. Might want to put something on to wear; You'll catch a cold... and an arrest on the way to breakfast." "And why the fuck would I do that?" "Because you..." He started to speak but something behind Kacie distracted him. "Kace, do you think that you can make... WHAT THE FUCK?!" Marie had come down the steps but screamed the second she saw the door open and some random guy standing there with Kacie. Usually, this wouldn't be an issue but Marie happened to also be naked. She ran back up the steps and slammed the bedroom door closed. Kacie turned back to the stranger and smirked. "So why the fuck am I coming with you again? I could be be upstairs fucking her right now, you know. And I kinda prefer her to my dad's bitch." The stranger clicked his tongue similar to a dolphin noise. Looked like a nervous tick to her. "OK, let's do this the fun way. Option A is you putting on clothes and meeting me at the bistro down the road in fifteen minutes." Kacie smiled at the guy's idiocy. Clearly, he didn't know her. "Say I don't like that option." "Well, behind door number two is me coming back here in twenty minutes and dragging you by the ear to breakfast. Oh and I don't give a fuck about how deep you've buried your tongue in her pussy, you'll still be coming with me." He watched as the smile slowly evaporated from her face. This guy was serious, judging by the look in his eyes. "My suggestion is that you make that girl do the Walk of Shame without me around." "She could always be my girlfriend and actually live here." "She isn't. Fifteen minutes." With that, he picked up a briefcase that had been lying beside the door and walked away. Kacie stared. This guy was good. Really good. This could actually be fun.

Lay it on. My goal is to get this published so anything and everything helps. Edit: It feels prudent to mention that I've already rewritten Chapter 1 into my computer and worked on it much more. The concept is still the same but it feels much better (and longer) at this point.

A little bit of back story on this one. I'm about to finish up my army service and when I go to school, I think I'm going to go into journalism but via English lit studies. However, I've always wanted to write and publish a novel. I've never been able to find a story that actually convinced me that wasn't contrived until now. Basically, this story is designed to be a modern retelling of a famous fairy tale. I got the idea from watching Once Upon A Time since the premise of that show is about using real life to emulate fantasy. This is also the only fairy tale off the top of my head that actually can be transposed into real life almost directly. I'll let you figure out which one I'm talking about in due time. The writing itself is very sloppy currently. I just worked out my idea a couple of hours ago and the idea changed numerous times until I put it on paper. I'm just copying straight from my notebook at this stage. It's rather short and will probably grow in length but this is my current idea. CHAPTER 1 365 days left. Gurgling water filled the empty silence of the room. It sounded like the sound of the Hudson River creating a mini-waterfall after rushing past large rocks. Almost peaceful - if it hadn't been designed as an alarm. Shawn groaned and opened an eye. The world came into focus rather slowly, almost as if beer goggles were slowly being lifted from his face. The sound from his clock was starting to drill into his brain. He turned over and stared at the bright red digital numbers. 8:00. Fuck. He slammed the snooze button and considered rolling over. Difficult decision. The he remembered that he had a new contract. Which meant that he actually had to get up. Shawn sat up quickly and immediately winced. Too quickly. The hangover hit him like a freight train. He grabbed the giant bottle of water sitting on the nightstand and began to drain it. At the halfway point, his brain began to scream. Stop it! I'll be good, just stop the pain! Shawn kept going until he finished, exhaling deeply for good measure. Today was going to be shit and the last thing he needed was to be hungover until noon. He stood up and wobbled for a second. Black spots swam before his eyes as his brain fought to re-orient itself. The leather jacket he had been wearing last night was lying discarded on the floor. He picked it up and emptied the pockets. Gum. A parking ticket. His cellphone. And a small black box. Motherfucker. He put the box on the nightstand and started running through contacts on his phone. M. Massey, Mike, Mom, Morrison... Myers. John Myers. His new employer, if you could call him that. Shawn took a deep breath. He was going to need to freshen up before the phone call. - "Look, Mr. Myers. I know that I already wrote up the contract and you're willing to sign but considering my own personal on-goings..." "And why should I care about those?" Shawn sighed. "I'm telling you right now that you don't want me to start today. In fact, you do not want me anywhere near your daughter after last night. Professionally speaking." Silence. He had just blown the contract of his life but after Amanda last night... He knew this was the right idea. "I'll double your first month's pay." The guy was desperate. Shawn was already going to make a small fortune from the job. And now doubling? "Uh... I'm not sure I..." "Heard correctly? You did, Mr. Beck." Shawn could hear the desperation in Myers voice. In fact, it was actually difficult to ignore it. "This is for my baby girl. I came to you because everyone that I've talked to told me that if there was anyone who could help, it would be you. They call you a healer, a magical medicine man without drugs. One lady even told me that you must have descended from heaven." Shawn laughed. "That didn't happen to be Diane Gervais, did it? She exaggerates all the time whenever talking about me." "You're missing the point, Mr. Beck. You are my best chance to save her. Please." Myers was about to break down. Shawn cursed silently and made a gut call. "Fine. What's the address?" He heard a sigh of relief from the other end. "273 Downton Street. It's by Spadina Station. Thank you very much, Mr. Beck." "Don't thank me yet. I'm still convinced this is the wrong thing to do." "I don't. Goodbye, Mr. Beck". With that, the line went dead in Shawn's hand. Fuck. Motherfuck. Shawn kicked himself for his idiocy in a moment of weakness and reached for his boots. His day was about to get longer.