Oguma Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Go Stuffs Kiryn! Sorry I haven't posted here in a while.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riariadne Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 (edited) This story is massive w1n! I'm on page 6, but it feels like I'm on page 30! Keep it up! ... You didn't finish yet, right? EDIT: YES! Star Wars! This story is officially epic!!!!! Edited December 28, 2008 by Reinfleche Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riariadne Posted December 28, 2008 Share Posted December 28, 2008 Sorry for the double, post, not like it really matters though. I finished it so far. I want more! *thinks about that he is supposed to be writing the EPIC tale of chaz..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inactive Account Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 (edited) deleted Edited November 9, 2010 by Kiryn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 *Pulls out writer's hammer.* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oguma Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 *Pulls out writer's hammer.* *Pulls out writers SLEDGEhammer, and writer's exploding chainsaw* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inactive Account Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 (edited) deleted Edited November 9, 2010 by Kiryn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Alright, just making sure. *Throws Rose.* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inactive Account Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 (edited) deleted Edited November 9, 2010 by Kiryn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Looks cute. Very tall and skinny though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inactive Account Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 (edited) deleted Edited November 9, 2010 by Kiryn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riariadne Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 The suspense! I likes it. Yay first to comment on new episode!!! =D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Alright! Here's hoping for more soon! How much longer is this gonna go on? Not that I'm impatient or anything, but it feels like it's been going forever. Lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 (edited) Kiryn leveled her bow at the impostor's back, but, as if it sensed danger, the double beckoned Kiryn's friends back into the base. Separating that into two sentences would have been better; or using a semicolon after "but" instead of a comma. That night found Kiryn outside the base below the window to her room. There are more simply was to write that: "That night, Kiryn stood outside the base, below the window to her room." It is simpler, it gets to the point. Do not think that using a fancy way of saying something is better. Simplicity does a better job of getting to the point. Kiryn found her window closed and locked. Was saying "closed" necessary? Considering that we automaticly see a locked window as closed. But her journeys to other worlds had given Kiryn ample ways for dealing with obstacles, Assuming you did a good job of showing that through the course of the story, that sentence was unnecessary. The false Kiryn was not visible, but that was no indication that it was not there. The underlined part really killed the suspense, since it made it pretty obvious to me that the clone was there. Kiryn jumped onto the shoulders that looked exactly like her own, stabbing the homunculus repeatedly. Saying "the clone" or whatever, would have been enough. You've already reinforced the fact that this thing is a clone; you do not need to do it at every turn. Kiryn planted her feet on its back and killed it over and over again as fast as she could. "Killed over and over" makes no sense, since you can only kill something once. "Stabbed over and over" would have made better sense. Pinned there, Kiryn struggled furiously, though the razor claws tore further into her shoulders. Again, a semicolon between "furiously" and "though" to separate the clauses. "I did say 'when' I kill you," the homunculus remarked, twisting its hand so the claws ripped Kiryn's flesh further. "You've been a nasty opponent. It's only fair that I get to do what I want with your life once I take it. Not that I haven't already had fun..." Bloody hell this part made he roll my eyes. This clone is an idiot; as any intelligent opponent would just kill the foe as soon as to ensure nothing goes wrong (which for clone, it clearly will; as the usual way in badly thought out scenes). Using the burst of strength that accompanied the transformation, she lunged forward, though the terrible claws stuck through her back, and seized the homunculus by the throat. Again, the sentence is too long. Action scenes work far better with short, quick sentences: which create suspense and the sense of immediacy. and seized the homunculus by the throat. One must wonder how Kiryn can move her arms when her shoulders have clearly been far too damaged... oh yeah, this self-insertion character gets a burst of strength just in the nick of time. (Ignoring the fact that no amount of strength would fix the nerves and muscles that would have been damaged.) Before she passed out, she pulled a heal staff out from under her bed, clinging to it so that her injuries would not kill her. Another part that made me roll my eyes with how typical and tripe it is. She just happens to have a magic staff that can heal her so that she will never die, nor will the readers get any suspense over the possibility of this self-insertion character dying. Talk about suspense killing. Edited January 19, 2009 by Man of the Year! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Another part that made me roll my eyes with how typical and tripe is it. She just happens to have a magic staff that can heal her so that she will never die, nor will the readers get any suspense over the possibility of this self-insertion character dying. Talk about suspense killing. Hm? Perhaps you should brush up on your grammar. XD Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 (edited) Hm? Perhaps you should brush up on your grammar. XD A typical flawed argument: trying to discredit me using a single mistake. The fact that I make mistakes, or get it wrong sometimes does not instantly discredit everything I say. Goes to show your level of intelligence; if that is the best thing you can do to argue against my points. (At least Kiryn is capable of debating properly). P.s: Do not bother posting in response unless you have something that actually rebukes my points. Edited January 19, 2009 by Man of the Year! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 A typical flawed argument: trying to discredit me using a single mistake. The fact that I make mistakes, or get it wrong sometimes does not instantly discredit everything I say. Goes to show your level of intelligence; if that is the best thing you can do to argue against my points. (At least Kiryn is capable of debating properly).P.s: Do not bother posting in response unless you have something that actually rebukes my points. 1. You're clearly just after Kiryn, since you've never posted in this topic before and only looked at it just now. So the only reason your here is to criticise her work in order to inflate your ego some more. 2. This isn't exactly the topic for this kind of discussion, but I'll take fault for that for instigating you first. My point is, that I won't respond after this post, if you're so inclined to continue this discussion, then PM me. 3. If you expect perfection from everyone else, you're going to have to deal with posts like my previous one. Trying to force perfection on others, you're going to recieve flack if you screw up in the slightest. 4. I really have no beef with you guy. So don't start trying to turn this into a personal battle by insulting my intelligence. I may not know the precise way to form a sentence to complete and utter perfection, but my major in college was Philosophy for a year, and I aced a course in Existentionalism. It may not make me a genius, but it discredits the idea that I'm an idiot. 5. I'm perfectly fine with you criticising someone's work. In fact, I appreciate that a lot more than the mindless "Great chapter!" that seems to repeat itself over and over from the same people. However, I don't like that kind of "Holier than thou" attitude that you present yourself with. This isn't a battle. Stop trying to piss people off in the way you present your arguments. Just calm down and point out the flaws in a civil manner, and no one will have any reason to do something like I'm doing right now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 (edited) 1. You're clearly just after Kiryn, since you've never posted in this topic before and only looked at it just now. So the only reason your here is to criticise her work in order to inflate your ego some more. I fairly admitted defeat in our debate didn't I? I'm not breaking any rules am I? My criticism are no different to what I usually give are they? Is there any evidence of any personal attack in my post? Do I comment beyond anything I read in the story? Perhaps I do have the intent of reinforcing my confidence; but only out of the worry of the many flawed arguments that immature people would use against me after my fair loss. I could easily suspect that the intent of your response to my post was solely to come after me. (And I am sure you'd know a lot about getting your ego inflated.) 2. This isn't exactly the topic for this kind of discussion, but I'll take fault for that for instigating you first. My point is, that I won't respond after this post, if you're so inclined to continue this discussion, then PM me. Good, I do not wish to take this any further. 3. If you expect perfection from everyone else, you're going to have to deal with posts like my previous one. Trying to force perfection on others, you're going to recieve flack if you screw up in the slightest. I do not expect perfection; but I do expect is for my rule abiding comments to be respected as my right and not unjustly ridiculed with faulty, off-topic arguments. I also expect the right to comment on things I disliked about something without being singled out as a bad person. 4. I really have no beef with you guy. So don't start trying to turn this into a personal battle by insulting my intelligence. I may not know the precise way to form a sentence to complete and utter perfection, but my major in college was Philosophy for a year, and I aced a course in Existentionalism. It may not make me a genius, but it discredits the idea that I'm an idiot. And yet you made such a flawed argument with a clear intend to make a mockery of a perfectly fine, well thought out, rule abiding post; simply because you do not like the contents of it. Nothing can justify the response you posted. So either you were not thinking, or you were lazy, or you were immature. 5. I'm perfectly fine with you criticising someone's work. In fact, I appreciate that a lot more than the mindless "Great chapter!" that seems to repeat itself over and over from the same people. However, I don't like that kind of "Holier than thou" attitude that you present yourself with. This isn't a battle. Stop trying to piss people off in the way you present your arguments. Just calm down and point out the flaws in a civil manner, and no one will have any reason to do something like I'm doing right now. I do not recall ever claimed to be a great writer, or to even being a good writer... or to even being a writer of any talent for that matter. You people have created that image in your own minds. I make honest negative comments, which people do not like; therefore it is only natural that you would create a negative image of me as propaganda: "Oh, Shuuda thinks he's so great! He's a BAD person who clearly thinks he's better than us!" The fact that I use some strong, meaningful words does not mean I am not calm or civil; you're just being over-sensitive and desiring of censorship for my comments. And one last thing. recieve Oh look, you made a mistake in your spelling. But do not worry, I wouldn't think of disregarding your whole post over it. Edited January 19, 2009 by Shuuda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inactive Account Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 (edited) deleted, with apologies Edited November 9, 2010 by Kiryn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inactive Account Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 (edited) deleted Edited November 9, 2010 by Kiryn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riariadne Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 You should just make a feedback thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inactive Account Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 (edited) deleted Edited November 9, 2010 by Kiryn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inactive Account Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 (edited) deleted Edited November 9, 2010 by Kiryn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Better than nothing. Keep it up. ^_^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riariadne Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Wow, that keeps me waiting for more! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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