Fire Emblem 12 ~Heroes~ Translation Project

[FionordeQuester]

Hmmm....really? I don't suppose you guys would mind me posting up the latest version of my rewrite to the intro of FE3, would you?

[Rewjeo]

Arch, I don't think either of us are in the best mood right now, but there is something I'd like to say. If either of us feel the need to say anything confrontational, I think we should just not say it. It is much easier to have a debate that actually ends with one side being convinced when both sides are in a good mood.

I think you're misunderstanding me, and I do see where that comes from. I understand your reasons for why you prefer Malicia, and I have accepted that those reasons make it a perfectly acceptable name. However, what I mean by this whole "I disagree with why it is being used" thing is this more philosophical stuff that Fionorde and I were discussing (which was actually what that comment was a part of,) not that I disagree with the reasons for you personally preferring it. Those reasons are perfectly valid, and I agree with them. Sorry for that misunderstanding.

Edited August 23, 2011 by Rewjeo

[Celice]

which surprisingly suit the character's personality.

[citation needed]

Old woman:

Oh... Please spare this girl.

She is just 10 years old.

She hasn’t even finished her training as a sister.

Marth:

Don’t worry, old lady.

We’re not going to take this child.

Old woman

Huh...?

Aren’t you a soldier of the Empire?

Marth:

No... You’ve got the wrong idea.

We haven’t come here to fight.

If you require anything, please ask.

We have some food, please take it if you want.

Malliesia:

Wait...

Please, take me with you...

Marth:

You...

You’re REALLY only 10 years old?

Malliesia:

Actually I have already become of age...

But, my grandmother lied for me so the soldiers wouldn’t take me away.

Well, I know if I stay here I will eventually be discovered and captured by the imperial soldiers.

Lang’s soldiers are like beasts.

But, you’re different.

You have very kind eyes.

Please, take me out of this country and to your own country.

Is that alright, grandmother?

Old woman:

Ah, of course.

You will be much safer compared to here.

Young lad, I beg of you. Please protect this girl.

If you want, it would be no problem for her to become your bride.

This child, like me in the past, is a beautiful girl.

She will definitely make a fine wife.

Malliesia, if this youth was to be your husband, you would be happy, right?

Malliesia:

Honestly, grandmother.

It’s far too early.

Malliesia doesn’t know what to do.

After the war she vanished without a trace, much to Marth’s worry. Perhaps she has already become a bad girl...

Vince's and RPGGuy's translation patch allude to nothing like that.

Hmmm....really? I don't suppose you guys would mind me posting up the latest version of my rewrite to the intro of FE3, would you?

Go for it. I'd like to read it.

Edited August 23, 2011 by Celice

[FionordeQuester]

Well, after having the first two rejected by General Banzai, let's see if THIS one can get his seal of approval...

Original Dialouge-After five long years, the great war with the Durhua Empire, which caused much suffering and was later called the War of Darkness, ended with the defeat of the Earth Dragon Medius. The warriors who had gathered under the Fire Emblem returned to their homelands, and, to restore the lands from devastation, used up much strength. Among the countries that once made up the seven Kingdoms of Akaneia, Gra and Grunia were ruined. Aritia, Orleans, Macedonia and Talis were also deeply scarred. Even the grand Kingdom of Akaneia was undergoing restoration. Then, at the royal capital Pales, which was still shaken by the war, an important event occurred with King Orleans’s younger brother, Hardin’s marriage to Princess Nina and his ascension as the 24th King of Akaneia. And so, after becoming king, Hardin, although seemingly reluctant, instantly restored the country. He gathered many soldiers to create a powerful army. Following that, he announced the restoration of the Holy Empire of Akaneia, and declared himself Emperor. One year after the end of the war with Durhua, the world seems to be entering a state of peace. But the wheels of fate appear to have an fault.

Revised Dialogue-Long ago, Gharnef, warlock and Pontifex of Khadein, resurrected Medeus, king of the dragonkin, and forged an alliance with him to subjugate the land. One by one, they conquered the grand kingdom of Akaneia and all it's surrounding countries, leaving those who challenged them in ruin. All seemed lost, until a new champion, Marth, took up his blade and assembled an army to destroy them. For five years they fought Gharnef and Medeus before striking them down in "The War of Darkness", as it came to be called. Those who had gathered under Marth's banner went back to their rebuild their homes, knowing that it would take all their strength to heal the devastation scarred into their lands. Meanwhile, at the royal capital of Pales, Duke Hardin of Orleans had ascended to the throne of Akaneia through marriage to her princess, Nyna. He was decisive in his rule, casting from him all hesitation and doubt as he led his people into a new year of prosperity and peace. Hardin then declared himself Emperor and gathered thousands of warriors from across the continent to watch over the new Holy Empire of Akaneia. Sadly, even this would not stop the horrors that were to come...

Edited August 23, 2011 by FionordeQuester

[Momo]

Wow, calling that woman "old lady" and immediately jumping to conclusions about an unavailable girl's private life. Marth's kind of a dick.

[Arch]

Celice, you've gotta read the base conversations. They're absolutely great xD. The crux of the character argument, though, is her repeated reference to herself as "naughty" and a "bad girl." She fantasizes about Marth a lot too... Not entirely up to "malicious," but the implications are there. The FE12 script more heavily stresses her "bad" side (which the FE3 ending very vaguely refers to).

[Celice]

Serve up the script excerpts of the conversations, I never used her when I played the remake. FEChina's and Pegasus Knight are being dorks--I don't recall any other sites that have them up.

[Tryhard]

Okay, so I exaggerated to make a point. You don't have to take everything 100% literally, especially when doing so doesn't serve the topic at all. The vast majority of that stuff is related to specific names, which is not what I was talking about. That stuff is in the past, in case you missed the part where I said "I don't care which one wins, I just want it to be chosen for the right reasons."

By exaggeration, I assume you mean this:

You're irritating me at this point. You fail to address our points ever. And, in case you haven't noticed, we're not arguing for the sake of arguing. We're arguing for the sake of making this as good a patch as it can be.

Your exaggeration to make a point didn't make a point. It just showed that you are choosing not to or are incapable of reading Arch's (and the team's other responders) posts and that you don't agree with their valid reasons, so you decided to bitch and attention whore in this topic. That's what it looks like to me :3. You see, for the serious tone you gave this post, i.e "You're irritating me at this point," it was impossible for anyone to take it at anything other then what you believe. It is the fact that you used "our" and "we're" to signify that you believe that you are in a group of people (in this case, against the name changes) which suggests that you are speaking for other people here. I guess I may as well come out and say that I think a few people in this thread are arguing for the sake of arguing, really.

And can we please stop being so confrontational? I tried to tone that down here. I know there were several places I wanted to say something, and decided against it because all it would serve to do is flare tempers. Can we all try to do the same?

Could you please learn to follow your own advice? You are the one who confronted Arch first. Don't try to run back into your little corner and suggest you were the victim and tell everyone to calm down.

I don't want flame wars. Offending the other person doesn't help anything. It is much easier to discuss things if people don't feel like they have to defend themselves.

Seems to be the only way to get through to you. I speak only what is on my mind, so you're just going to have to learn to take it.

And it seems you have become slightly more constructive in your next few posts. Good. Please keep it that way, because I didn't enjoy reading your last few as you brought up the same points where answers could have been found by searching through the topic (like for example how the poll was strictly "gaining information" and there were NO guarantees that the top voted name would be used). Thank you.

[General Banzai]

Well, after having the first two rejected by General Banzai, let's see if THIS one can get his seal of approval...

It's reasonable, but flavorless. It's basically a simple relay of facts in the most banal and rudimentary manner possible. Go read the intro to FESD, where the writers seamlessly manage to introduce Medeus and Gharnef without clunky descriptors.

EDIT: I forgot to respond to Banzai.

As of now the editing team is essentially myself and Vincent. Having more proofreaders and editors would definitely be beneficial once the script translation begins to move along at a faster pace. We'd be looking for people who are talented writers (or at least know their way around the English language).

Well, I'd be interested in applying for a position. As far as credentials go, I'm studying English (with a concentration in creative writing) at the University of California Los Angeles, which I believe is the second-best public university in the US. I'm also an experienced fiction writer; I'd be willing to send samples if you wish to see them.

Edited August 23, 2011 by General Banzai

[FionordeQuester]

It's reasonable, but flavorless. It's basically a simple relay of facts in the most banal and rudimentary manner possible. Go read the intro to FESD, where the writers seamlessly manage to introduce Medeus and Gharnef without clunky descriptors.

Well, first of all, I have to have my revised dialouge be at either the same length as, or shorter than the original dialouge, so I'm having trouble figuring my way out around that. You probably know that, but I was just making sure.

It did seem a little flavorless to me when I read it, but I also remember that the last time I tried to add flavor, you said it weakened the prose by making it "weak, indirect, and pedantic", so I tried to be more "commanding" as you put it. Also, you criticized my use of adjectives (well, technically you said adverbs, but I assume you meant adjectives since I could only find two adverbs, but at least eight adjectives), but I'm confused. You called it "needless", but when I look at the intro...

"However, after a century's passing, the Shadow Dragon returned. He forged an alliance with a fiendish sorcerer who sought to rule the world, and their combines might topple kingdom upon unsuspecting kingdom. Again, darkness threatened to engulf the continent. It fell upon the king of Altea, sole descendant of the dragon-slayer hero, to sally forth with the divine blade and fulfill his blood destiny."

That paragraph uses two adjectives, pointed out by the bolded words. So, I have to ask, when do you consider it appropriate to use adjectives, and when do you not?

Edited August 23, 2011 by FionordeQuester

[General Banzai]

There are actually five adjectives (six if you count "Shadow" Dragon) there, but regardless, that's not very many. Let's look at your paragraph.

Long ago, Gharnef, warlock and Pontifex of Khadein, resurrected Medeus, king of the dragonkin, and forged an alliance with him to subjugate the land. One by one, they conquered the grand kingdom of Akaneia and all its surrounding countries, leaving those who challenged them in ruin. All seemed lost, until a new champion, Marth, took up his blade and assembled an army to destroy them. For five years they fought Gharnef and Medeus before striking them down in "The War of Darkness", as it came to be called. Those who had gathered under Marth's banner went back to their rebuild their homes, knowing that it would take all their strength to heal the devastation scarred into their lands. Meanwhile, at the royal capital of Pales [you fail to identify what Pales is the capital of], Duke Hardin of Orleans Aurelis had ascended to the throne of Akaneia Archanea through marriage to her princess, Nyna. He was decisive in his rule, casting from him all hesitation and doubt as he led his people into a new year of prosperity and peace. Hardin then declared himself Emperor and gathered thousands of warriors from across the continent to watch over the new Holy Empire of Akaneia. Sadly, even this would not stop the horrors that were to come...

The real problem here is that your adjectives interrupt the narrative flow, especially in the first sentence, which is supposed to be intriguing and gripping. Note how FESD's intro doesn't even refer to Gharnef by name. Here, though, you not only use his name but also give his status as a master of magic and his political role in the world. Gharnef is meant to be shadowy and mysterious; illuminating every factoid about him in the first sentence does not achieve that aim.

Furthermore, you mix up your nouns at a few points (one by one they conquered the grand kingdom of Archanea). Later on you have a couple of ambiguous and unclear sentences, which I put in italics above. Then at the very end you throw out a useless adverb (Sadly) which is not only pointless as far as the information it conveys but a weak word to begin with. You're talking about largescale war and the best you can come up with is 'Sadly'? I would omit this word altogether; it really just detracts from the suspense.

What I need to see before I make my own attempt at editing this is the actual cinematic that plays while this text scrolls. In FESD, for instance, the introduction plays over a dynamic and panning picture which corresponds with what is happening in the text (Medeus is on-screen when they talk about Medeus; Gharnef when they talk about Gharnef; then a picture of thousands of soldiers fighting when it talks of darkness engulfing the land. A key challenge would be to get the text in this patch to line up with such a cinematic (assuming there is one). FESD is ripe with instances where the writing is enriched by the excellent artwork. One such occasion I remember well is the introduction to Chapter 22, with the image of Michaelis and his knights coupled with a dramatic description of the beating of thousands of wings.

[FionordeQuester]

Yo, Banzai, I've found a Youtube video that has the intro to this games main story, so here you go!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-gGiXh8en8&feature=related

Will you be requiring anything more?

Edit: Could you please learn to follow your own advice? You are the one who confronted Arch first. Don't try to run back into your little corner and suggest you were the victim and tell everyone to calm down.

You know, it did seem as though he was sorry. I don't think he was trying to say that he was the victim, it seems as though he's just tired of arguing in a negative way and would like to know that you guys are all cool.

Edited August 23, 2011 by FionordeQuester

[Rewjeo]

Your exaggeration to make a point didn't make a point. It just showed that you are choosing not to or are incapable of reading Arch's (and the team's other responders) posts and that you don't agree with their valid reasons, so you decided to bitch and attention whore in this topic. That's what it looks like to me :3. You see, for the serious tone you gave this post, i.e "You're irritating me at this point," it was impossible for anyone to take it at anything other then what you believe. It is the fact that you used "our" and "we're" to signify that you believe that you are in a group of people (in this case, against the name changes) which suggests that you are speaking for other people here. I guess I may as well come out and say that I think a few people in this thread are arguing for the sake of arguing, really.

Yes, I realized a lot of this stuff later. I guess that in a topic that can move so quickly, I got sorta rushed to post. I'll try and avoid that now.

Could you please learn to follow your own advice? You are the one who confronted Arch first. Don't try to run back into your little corner and suggest you were the victim and tell everyone to calm down.

I'm not saying I didn't do anything. I'm saying that I think things will go better if we debate rather than just yell at each other, and I will make an effort to do the same thing myself.

Seems to be the only way to get through to you. I speak only what is on my mind, so you're just going to have to learn to take it.

The difference is how you say it. You can insult someone because they got something wrong, or you can just point out that they got something wrong and correct them.

And it seems you have become slightly more constructive in your next few posts. Good. Please keep it that way, because I didn't enjoy reading your last few as you brought up the same points where answers could have been found by searching through the topic (like for example how the poll was strictly "gaining information" and there were NO guarantees that the top voted name would be used). Thank you.

Am I not being clear enough in what I have said? That's a genuine question- you're not the first person to misunderstand. Anyways, I do understand why Malicia is preferred and that the polls were for gathering information, but what I am saying is that they should be for more than that if the goal is to make this patch as good as possible. That's how it seems to me, at least.

[General Banzai]

Now see, we're going to need the tone of the introductory text match up with the music that is playing there, for sure. That will be a major consideration in word choice and adjective use. The images there also convey their own meaning.

[FionordeQuester]

Are you sure about fitting it to the music? It seems a little too fanciful and out of synch with the images to me, especially with the ruined village in the 2nd picture and the dark fog in the sky in the fourth. It seems too calm.

Edited August 24, 2011 by FionordeQuester

[Celice]

You don't literally sync the tone of the writing the music. however, you don't want to write in a certain style that's going to clash with the surrounding ambiance, such as the art style, music, and pacing. You want a flowing experience, not a jarring one :/

[FionordeQuester]

Alright then. Thank you Celice. And General Banzai, I now have a new goal. Henceforth, I will not stop rewriting things until I can come up with something that even you would be satisfied with. How's that sound? Thanks for critiqueing each of my paragraphs by the way, never be afraid to go into as much detail as you feel is necessary, I won't be insulted!

Edited August 24, 2011 by FionordeQuester

[CT075]

ITT: fans continue arguing about whether or not they should stop having pointless arguments.

[General Banzai]

You don't literally sync the tone of the writing the music. however, you don't want to write in a certain style that's going to clash with the surrounding ambiance, such as the art style, music, and pacing. You want a flowing experience, not a jarring one :/

Exactly.

What I'm trying to say is that one can't simply look at the textual version of the script and edit from there. There is a visual and audial medium to take into account as well.

[FionordeQuester]

I see.

[-Cynthia-]

Alright then. Thank you Celice. And General Banzai, I now have a new goal. Henceforth, I will not stop rewriting things until I can come up with something that even you would be satisfied with. How's that sound? Thanks for critiqueing each of my paragraphs by the way, never be afraid to go into as much detail as you feel is necessary, I won't be insulted!

I would keep in mind that Banzai is not the sole authority on what qualifies as good writing or not. If you rewrite something and and most people think it's adequate, then go with it. The project should not revolve around one person's personal opinion.

[Celice]

Celice, you've gotta read the base conversations. They're absolutely great xD. The crux of the character argument, though, is her repeated reference to herself as "naughty" and a "bad girl." She fantasizes about Marth a lot too... Not entirely up to "malicious," but the implications are there. The FE12 script more heavily stresses her "bad" side (which the FE3 ending very vaguely refers to).

So uh, ever gonna back up that she actually says this?

[Arch]

We were planning on showcasing her supports with My Unit for an update video, so I'm not sure that we should be releasing the excerpts just yet. I'd say "just trust me on this one," but I know you probably will not. Nevertheless, you'll see it soon enough.

Edited August 27, 2011 by Arch

[Celice]

We were planning on showcasing her supports with My Unit for an update video, so I'm not sure that we should be releasing the excerpts just yet. I'd say "just trust me on this one," but I know you probably will not. Nevertheless, you'll see it soon enough.

No, the original Japanese script, to verify that's what she's actually saying. Not what your patch is going to have in it.

EDIT: Found it meself.

マリーシアとクリス♂１

【マリーシア】

ね、あなた

マルス様のお付きの騎士ね？

【クリス】

ああ、そうだ。

名をクリスという。

君は？

【マリーシア】

わたし、マリーシア。

あなたに教えて欲しいことがあるの。

わたしの王子様…

マルス様のこと。

【クリス】

わたしの王子様？

確かにマルス様は王子様だが…

【マリーシア】

マルス様はね、

他のけだもののような男たちとは

全然違うの。

とても優しい目で、

わたしにそっと手を

差し伸べてくれたのよ。

おばあちゃまの前で

結婚の約束までしてくれて…

【クリス】

そ、そうなのか？

おれが聞いていた話とは

違うようだが…

【マリーシア】

ああ、今目を閉じても思い出すわ。

マリーシアが山賊に襲われそうになって

助けてーって叫んだ時…

白馬に乗ったマルス様が

さっそうと駆けてきて…

【クリス】

いや、

マルス様は白馬には乗っていない。

【マリーシア】

細かいことは良いの。

ああ、二人の結婚式は

どこが良いかしら？

マルス様はアリティアを望まれるかも、

でもおばあちゃまにもマリーシアの

花嫁姿を見せてあげたいし…

それから式の後はね、

二人きりでお城の窓から

夜空を見つめたりして…

『きれいね』ってわたしが言うと、

『君の方がもっと綺麗だよ』とか

マルス様がささやいてくれて…

それで、それで二人はね、

そっとくちづけを…

きゃーきゃー、

マリーシアったら！

【クリス】

あー…

盛り上がっているところ

すまないが、

【マリーシア】

もうだめですマルス様ったら、

マリーシア、恥ずかしい！

【クリス】

マルス様は

先日ご婚約されたばかり…

【マリーシア】

でもでも、マルス様が

望まれるのならマリーシア…

きゃっ。

【クリス】

まったく聞いてないな…

しばらくそっとしておこう。

マリーシアとクリス♂２

【マリーシア】

ひどい、ひどいわ･･･

くすんくすん。

マリーシア、もてあそばれたの。

【クリス】

ああ…その話なら聞いた。

君はジェイガン様に言ったらしいな。

『マルス様と結婚したいから

二人だけで会わせて欲しい』って…

それは、ジェイガン様に

雷落とされるのも無理はない…

【マリーシア】

だって、マルス様ったら

あんなにキラキラした目で

見つめてきたのよ。

おばあちゃまだって

すっかりその気でいたのに…

ああ…マルス様は

マリーシアの乙女心を

もてあそんだの…

【クリス】

いやいや、違うだろう。

誤解を生むような発言はやめてくれ。

おれの主君に

あらぬ風評が広がっては困る。

【マリーシア】

だって、初恋だったんだもの…

くすんくすん。

【クリス】

な、泣くな…

わかったわかった、

焼き菓子か何か買ってやるから

泣きやんでくれ。

【マリーシア】

子ども扱いしないで。

マリーシアもうオトナなの！

それに、焼き菓子なら

甘いのじゃないとダメなんだから…

【クリス】

結局、焼き菓子は欲しいんだな…

【マリーシア】

マリーシア、

おばあちゃまが焼いてくれるような

甘いパイが好きなんだから…

【クリス】

わかったわかった。

なんとかするから元気を出してくれ。

【マリーシア】

クリス…ありがとう。

わたしとマルス様の恋を

応援してくれるのね。

【クリス】

へ？

【マリーシア】

そうよね。

こういうことって

本人たちの気持ちが大切だもの。

じいのジェイガン様に反対されたって

マリーシア、くじけないわ。

ありがとう、クリス。

マリーシア、がんばるからね。

【クリス】

…どうしたものだろう。

マリーシアとクリス♂３

【マリーシア】

あ、クリス。

【クリス】

ああ、マリーシア。

近頃はマルス様のお部屋に

忍び込もうとしなくなったな。

おれも仕事が一つ減って良かった。

【マリーシア】

うん、わたしね、

実は最近迷ってるの。

マルス様との恋、

どうしようかなって…

【クリス】

そうか。

君もやっとわかってくれたんだな。

君は少し思い込みの

激しいところがあるから…

これからは

もっと広い世界を見た方が良いな。

【マリーシア】

マリーシア、もうオトナよ！

【クリス】

ああ、

おれも村で暮らしてる頃は

そう思ってたよ。

でも、騎士訓練で仲間と出会って、

今もこの戦いを重ねて…

その度に気付かされた。

あの時のおれは子供だった。

もっと色々な世界を

見聞きしないといけないって。

【マリーシア】

そうなの？

【クリス】

ああ。君はまだ若い。

将来を決める選択は

ゆっくり考えれば良い。

君はこれから成長して、

もっと魅力的な女性になるんだから。

【マリーシア】

クリス…

ありがとう、クリス。

【クリス】

わかってくれたならいいんだ。

【マリーシア】

あのね、クリス…

クリスは、

結婚式はどこが良い？

【クリス】

へ？

【マリーシア】

マルス様にはちょっと及ばないけど、

あなたは強いし優しいし…

わたしの王子様に

してあげてもいいかなー、

なんて。

戦場でおびえてるわたしにね、

『大丈夫だ、おれが傍にいる』

ってクリスがささやいてくれて…

それから、

わたしをぎゅっとだきしめて…

きゃっ、マリーシアったら！

【クリス】

わかったわかった。

君が大人になったらな。

【マリーシア】

もう、また子ども扱いして！

マリーシアはもうオトナなのに。

何年後かに、

すごくきれいになったわたしを見て

後悔しても知らないんだからっ。

Male-Chris supports. It sounds more like she's romanticizing an image of Marth. Not wanting to fuck him.

Edited August 27, 2011 by Celice

[Aleph]

that says marisa