Sometimes you just have to let people know you're in a Dark place.

[Ein]

God fucking damn it...

I'm just so damn tired of feeling like shit.

For those who may not know. I am depressed. I've been depressed for who know how long. I'm quite certain I've been depressed since I was 4 or so.

Why?

I don't know. I really don't fucking know and that pisses me off. You have know idea how much that pisses me off. I really want to know but I have no idea what exactly is the cause.

I didn't have the worst childhood in the world but I didn't have the best. Being an extremely timid and awkward kid growing up having such a hard time trying to fit in and sometimes not being to so kind of sucks you know?

Not having the emotiona; support at home because your step father is an fucking control freak asshole who actually believes your mother is a fucking whore? WHY? Because his retarded family saw my mother with a man in car a few times and simply assumed that man was a so called client when in fact it was her fucking step father who couldn't walk. FUCKING MORONS!

Having to deal with this shit growing up not even knowing what the was the cause of all of this shit sure is fantastic! Being unable to even speak sometimes because the fucking atmosphere is just so heavy. Like if you were to do anything you would get your ass beat. Which happened quite often.

Honestly. What the fuck warranted be being beaten just for making some noise sometimes or not wanting to take a shower which apparently warranted being struck on the head with a cup which drew blood.

That fucking scared me so much. Seeing my blood drip from the top of my head pour into the tub.

What did I do? Why did I deserve that?

As you can see I feel all kinds of hatred toward my mother and step father. Not to mention my biological father who feels like I am his son when he and my mother separated when I was one year old. And APPARENTLY I have to give a shit about him. Oh no! I can't say that! My older brothers and mother still kind of like him!

Fuck him. Just fuck him. I don't care that he's my so called "father".

I actually met him when I was 18 after I graduated from high school and my mother and older brothers were oh so worried that I would cry or something. Fuck them...

Not to mention that I was basically forced to attend CSUN despite the fact I told my parents I felt that I was not ready for such a burden. But no. I absolutely HAD to attend CSUN. Completely unprepared for the responsibilities and they have the gall to give me shit when that didn't work out? FUCK. THEM.

I am so fucking tired of having to fulfill pointless expectations that I have no interest in.

God forbid I have no idea what to fucking do with my life. What's that? I do? How? Why? I should just have something in mind? Really? With all of this emotional support I got at home? From my parents? From my siblings? Who obviously cared about my personal feelings and aspirations? Oh wait! No they didn't. They just expected me to know what to do! That's SOOO nice of them! No wonder I did so well in school all of these years! So it's no wonder I have no goddamn skills in ANYTHING! NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

I have no hope, only despair to comfort me.

Which is perfect for me because that's all I've had as comfort all my life. It's no wonder I'm such an emotional and physical wreck. It's no wonder I'm so fucking depressed and anxious all of the time.

I have no one to thank for this but my family.

I just don't know what to do anymore... I really don't... I just waste my time watching TV, using the internet, or playing video games. It's kind of nice though. Escaping this shitty reality I call my life.

I have no skills in anything. I can't find a fucking job anywhere and my parents expect me to find one anytime now. You know. Without any help. Like I know what to do. I don't know what to do. I NEVER knew what to do!

I just want to scream! I just want to bitch and complain and cry! I don't know what to do! Why?

I'm a smart kid. I've always been a smart kid... I just don't know what to do...

...

This is good... At least I'm crying right now... I'm just so very sad... I'm so confused... I'm just so angry at everything... I really don't know what to do but everyone thinks I know. I don't. I've never known. I just want someone to help me... To listen to me... I just want someone to help me... I really do... Oh... I can't stop crying now. I guess this is good right? Right? I can let go some of this pain I've kept locked up all of this time.

I'm so sorry. I know I shouldn't be sorry. Because sometimes... Sometimes you just have to do something like this... Let people know you're in a Dark place. That you're suffering and you don't know why. You just want someone to listen to your pain. To share it even.

I'm just so very sad... I'm so lonely... So tired... I really do want someone to just help me with everything.

Edited November 10, 2011 by Ein Silver Rose

[Epic Fail]

I'm sure you don't give two f***s what I think (why should you), but I can sort of get what you feel, only it wasn't my parents who beat me, it was my schoolmates from Years 1-5. Yeah, you could argue that it's totally different and I suppose it is. I suppose I'm a bit luckier, but I don't want to sound like I'm bragging (because I'm fairly certain that's the absolute last thing you need). I've been depressed for a few years now and I'm starting to accept the constant feelings of inadequacy and insecurity (and occasionally feeling like I'm losing my grip on sanity (I guess you could say I'm a lot weaker than you, falling to pieces under such less pressure and you'd be right, I'm fucking pathetic and mentally made out of glass, but that's another story (I think)). All I can say is this, there is always hope, no matter how dark everything seems (not cliche AT ALL).

[Defeatist Elitist]

Alright kid, I am going to tell you what to do. Because I am a super expert.

You need to get up and actually do shit. I mean, I don't have a problem with you sitting around using the internet for the rest of your life, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but you clearly do. Yeah, if you want to get a job/go to school you might not have people to help you and tell you what to do, but that's life. You said you're a smart kid, if so, I'm sure you can figure something out.

If you really don't think your family has functioned as it should, then fuck'em. But you can't just say "oh they suck and because they suck I can't do anything", or more accurately, you can, but that's not going to fucking help. If you actually want to improve your life, I'm afraid you're going to have to take things into your own hands. I don't know where you live, or your exact circumstances, but I can be pretty fucking certain that your situation won't just improve out of the blue. You are not going to get out of this by sheer luck, so you better put some initiative into it.

I really can't help you deal with your emotional problems, and I doubt anybody else can either, because we don't know where they come from. It seems, however, from the way you portray things, that you just crave self-actualization.

Anyway, you say you don't know WHAT to do, but do you know what you WANT to do?

EDIT: I really don't know if this will work for you, but I'm the happiest guy I know, and it mostly comes from not giving a fuck.

Edited November 6, 2011 by Defeatist Elitist

[someonewhodied]

Waaayyy unluckier than me, but much luckier than someone i know (0n these forums =O). I'll keep him anonymous but here is his story.

---Childhood---

His dad abused him and his brother (verbally, physically, or both, im not sure since it was never clarified). He ended up starting to play an MMO starting when he was 6. He liked escaping reality so much that he ended up being able to type at 100wpm in under a week. Yet that was only an escape, not a solution.

(Moral of this? Play a MMO if you need to vent)

---Girlfriend?---

He met a girl through that game (in elementary school years O_o) and eventually went to meet her. She was later raped by her uncle and moved away and he got even more depressed than at first. That girl cut off all contact with everyone because she thought every guy was now a rapist. Now he decided he wanted to get her attention with something he knew she would watch. He took up competetive smash bros (lol). A few years later that worked. That girl had been arrested for shoplifting and met another guy in jail (I think, not sure on this part) but when she hear of him through competetive smash bros, wanted to get with him again. He was all like "but you are with someone else right now, f*** no" She attempted suicide but he called an ambulance on her and she was saved. And she keeps getting his number though he keeps changing it. Like just last tuesday (or the one before?) he got a text from her.

(Women love competetive gamers lol)

---Bigger Problems---

His dad is rich, but a complete asshole. So his parents divorced. His mom is given a certain amount of money each given period until he graduates from high school and moves out. His mom plans to move to Arizona and wants to force him into going with her and paying rent (easy way to support yourself? lol) Therefore, he wants to go to college. The only way for him to afford it though, is to work for his dad after going to law school until his dad dies from an unfortunate accident or passes away. He is now working his ass off at multiple jobs, still playing video games, and getting good grades at school. And he is not asian. He is struggling to (ok now hes not but he was) set a foundation for getting into a good college. He is the 99%

Pretty much all you have to do is prepare yourself for your situations and act accordingly. He was in a just as bad, maybe worse situation (unable to have a future even?) than you but manages that.

hmm. maybe i shoulda used spoiler tags.

Edited November 6, 2011 by someonewhodied

[Original Alear]

What did I do? Why did I deserve that?

Here's the one idea I feel actually capable of addressing: you didn't do something to deserve that. You don't deserve to be treated like shit. You deserve to be treated well. This is just a potentially inaccurate approximation on my part, I could be wrong, but you've always come across as a person who doesn't deserve shit to happen to you because you seem like a good guy, that's assuming anyone deserves to be shit on for their mistakes, personally I tend towards forgiveness in this regard.

Sorry I can't offer more. I just don't know what to say, I'm not in a similar situation except that my life is going nowhere, but I'm not as afraid of that right now because I have an overly indulgent family (in other words, I happen to be lucky in my birth), and I hope against logic and all else to get a paying job at some point.

[Raven]

@someonewhodied:

That is a bad situation indeed. But I wouldn't go comparing situations between people, because everyone takes their own situation differently. What may seem less worse to us may actually be destroying the person it is actually happening to more than the other person in their "worse" situation. If that makes sense.

@ESR:

I'm probably gonna expand on Revan's post here, or reinforce it or whatever, but who gives a shit; here it is:

I don't like your situation. By the sounds of it, your family is useless in terms of support and only drag you down. As Revan said in his post, the best way, in my opinion, is to not give a fuck. Look after number one (yourself) and let your father, stepfather, mother, siblings and everyone else get on with their lives. Take life in its stride, and do what you feel you need to do to fix it. Do you really want a job? Do you need a job? What job? Any job, you just need money for now?

If it's a job you want and/or need, it's not gonna come handed to you on a silver plate. You say you are not going to get any help and support from anyone. That's all right, because you can do it yourself. You've been supporting yourself all these years, I reckon you can keep going. All you have to do is stop giving a fuck about the opinions and expectations of your nonsupporting family. You find out what you need to do to get on with life, and you do it, regardless of anyone else and their thoughts. As you say, fuck them.

One day on your path you set out for yourself, you may finally find someone to truly share your past pain with, if that is something you want. But it won't find you. You need to move forward and find it. As they say, "where there is a will, there is a way." Find your will to continue your path.

[Zanarkin]

Pretty much all you have to do is prepare yourself for your situations and act accordingly. He was in a just as bad, maybe worse situation (unable to have a future even?) than you but manages that.

I find it insensitive to compare someone's problems to others. Like Raven said, everyone takes their own situation differently. I for example don't have it as bad as Ein but i still have similar feelings to him. Everybody reacts differently to certain situations.

As to Ein, I'm not in much of a position to give you advice or anything... but if it helps just persevere... don't worry about your family, don't care what they think. It seems they don't care what you feel so don't worry about what they feel you should do. Do what you feel like doing...

Edited November 6, 2011 by SlayerX

[Celice]

You should really investigate why you react this way, and not think about what you feel. Your post is all reactionary. If you don't consider the "why," the reaction is going to become something normative in your life.

[Inactive Account]

It sounds like things have been pretty consistently unhappy for a long time. In that kind of situation, there's absolutely nothing wrong with needing help, with wanting to tell someone that you're suffering. What's important is that you get help from someone who can really provide it properly, so that you can get back to a place where you want to be again. It's best if you can find someone in person to help, but if that's not possible (it isn't always), then the internet can certainly help-- there are online resources for dealing with crappy situations if you're interested in them, or you can simply find someone to talk to. I don't know you all that well, so I don't know if I'd be a particularly good choice for talking to, but if you want information on potential resources, just let me know.

@swd Let's not make comparisons. Comparisons tend to end badly when not used carefully and specifically.

[Rehab]

Alright kid, I am going to tell you what to do. Because I am a super expert.

You need to get up and actually do shit. I mean, I don't have a problem with you sitting around using the internet for the rest of your life, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but you clearly do. Yeah, if you want to get a job/go to school you might not have people to help you and tell you what to do, but that's life. You said you're a smart kid, if so, I'm sure you can figure something out.

If you really don't think your family has functioned as it should, then fuck'em. But you can't just say "oh they suck and because they suck I can't do anything", or more accurately, you can, but that's not going to fucking help. If you actually want to improve your life, I'm afraid you're going to have to take things into your own hands. I don't know where you live, or your exact circumstances, but I can be pretty fucking certain that your situation won't just improve out of the blue. You are not going to get out of this by sheer luck, so you better put some initiative into it.

I really can't help you deal with your emotional problems, and I doubt anybody else can either, because we don't know where they come from. It seems, however, from the way you portray things, that you just crave self-actualization.

Anyway, you say you don't know WHAT to do, but do you know what you WANT to do?

EDIT: I really don't know if this will work for you, but I'm the happiest guy I know, and it mostly comes from not giving a fuck.

Having to actually get up and do shit may be exactly where the hard part is, though- in between a depressed person and doing things they have to do, even things they want to do, there may be a terrible lot of internalized self-doubt, or even hatred. One may know that their feelings are getting in their way, and yet find themselves unable to overcome them. My experiences with depression may suggest that your advice, to just go do shit and stop worrying, (a bastardization of a paraphrase if there ever was one, forgive me for it) is not what some of us want to hear. It isn't entirely misplaced, because that is probably the goal we all want to work towards, but it rather comes off as trivializing the pervasive, not necessarily logical feelings that depression can cause.

It's up to Ein to interpret, of course, but I prefer to give and receive validation, where possible.

@Ein: I'm not sure where your feelings are at right now, but if you're feeling the same as you did when you typed your post, I'd like to say that it's OK for you to feel depressed the way you describe, even if the reasons why aren't clear. You deserve to share your problems and your feelings, and it's unfair to not really have somebody to do that with, to say the least. You also deserve to share with somebody who can help you better than Serenes can. Are you staying at a university or your own apartment at the moment? There should be free counseling available at a public facility, either way. It may not be what you really feel like you need, but I'd like to assure you that it would be a good first step to get there.

It's also OK to be unsure whether you need therapy, and to question it. Therapists who do their job well, though, are there to serve you, and will help you as much as you want to be helped. I really recommend you see if you can have a preliminary appointment somewhere, if you haven't already, at least to try to understand your position and where you want to go. It's different for everybody, but I hope that as you discover what your options are, you'll be able to define your problems for yourself, and eventually define your own solutions.

[Defeatist Elitist]

Having to actually get up and do shit may be exactly where the hard part is, though- in between a depressed person and doing things they have to do, even things they want to do, there may be a terrible lot of internalized self-doubt, or even hatred. One may know that their feelings are getting in their way, and yet find themselves unable to overcome them. My experiences with depression may suggest that your advice, to just go do shit and stop worrying, (a bastardization of a paraphrase if there ever was one, forgive me for it) is not what some of us want to hear. It isn't entirely misplaced, because that is probably the goal we all want to work towards, but it rather comes off as trivializing the pervasive, not necessarily logical feelings that depression can cause.

Indeed, I apologize, my post really was predicated on the assumption that he was upset because of things in his life, not due to a condition, and I probably should have made that more clear. Obviously if you're depressed it doesn't really matter what you do in a lot of cases because you will simply feel unhappy.

[Aethereal]

I don't know you, at all, so I hope I don't come off as insensitive for giving advice when I may not be fully aware of what everything meant.

In any case, I think a big problem for some people, like yourself, is that you're comfortable with the pain. It sounds to me like you need to recognize the things that aren't making you happy, and get the hell away from them. I'm online, or playing video games, or watching TV far too much myself, so I may not be the best example, but when I had serious issues happen in my life I had to take a break from all that. And I know that's hard because it's your escape, but it's still necessary. It sounds like you think your family is pretty worthless and incapable of helping you, and you're probably right. Some people are just fucking terrible, and I'm really sorry that you got stuck with people like them, but the only way to distance yourself from them is to start your own life, independent of them. And that's hard too, but you have to do it. You have to be the one who gets yourself a job, or into a school you like, or even just move away from them. Even if it's a slow process, you HAVE to start it. It sounds like you don't have a role model figure in your life, and I know how that goes, so when you start having problems that you've never had to deal with before, it can seem overwhelming. But you seem like a smart enough person, you can figure it out, even if it's difficult, or you mess up from time to time. It sounds to me like you live under your family's thumb, to no fault of your own, but you have to stop being comfortable enough there to let it continue. Video games, TV, and the internet are awesome releases and escapes, but they're no solution, and anything that isn't a solution is just wasting time that you could be spending fixing the things that are really bothering you.

In any case, good luck with everything, and I hope just letting stuff out helps you, and you find what will help you get out of this.

[eclipse]

Wow, that sounds like the story of my life. . .well, whether you go to see a therapist is up to you, but I think it might help. At this point, it sounds like you could use someone impartial to talk to, and possibly a shoulder to cry on. Speaking of crying, don't be afraid to do it. It'll help ease the pain inside.

[Ein]

Uh... Thank you all for your replies. I spoke with my therapist on Monday about this outburst of mine. >_>

Any who. I've been dealing with some anger and rage issues after identifying the root cause more or less two weeks ago. I dunno.

Just letting you guys know I've calmed down since Saturday. I was just feeling pretty crappy because I can't really admit to some issues and some junk. Yeah. >_>