Satirical Video Game Plot Summary Thread!

[Kngt_Of_Titania]

So the goal of this thread is to provide a vague summary while making fun of the game at the same time. You can pick any game you want (one that you like/hate/whatever), but please make a minor note if you're going to mega-spoiler. In order to give an idea of what I mean, I'll start:

Final Fantasy XIII (Vague Spoilers Ahead):

A bunch of random people who don't know one another act stupidly and all end up in a freaky futuristic tattoo parlor and end up getting these really crappy shiny tattoos of doom (of course, the women have them in sexually suggestive places like the breasts or hips, because they're sluts). They then find out they need to summon Godzilla before the tattoos could be removed, and run off to kill waves of soldiers (who were honestly just trying to give them laser therapy), plants, and mutant deserts/fish because they just fucking feel like it. Eventually you reach this random old pervert dude (who's really, somehow, a 50-ton machine) who kills his big-breasted assistant, sends you to boot camp with robots, and spits you out to a giant-ass planet for lawls (oh, btw, we find out the beginning of the story all happened on a GLASS MOON). They then run around this planet, screaming "DONT LOSE HOPE" until they find out the whole damn thing has no people, at which point the old dude flies down from his Playboy mansion and whisks you away to the glass moon, where he tricks you into the moon's core so you can destroy it (because they're stupid). At the core, a bunch of confusing shit happens, two annoying mysterious chicks who joined you long ago turn into Godzilla, the entire glass moon turns to lava, everybody on the moon somehow SURVIVES, it's a happy ending, and you're all like WTFWASTHATIWASTORIYAMA'D.

Edited January 9, 2012 by Kngt_Of_Titania

[Grace]

Etrian Odyssey (Mild spoilers, but who cares)

You start a guild in a place called Etria, accepting anyone that wants to join (even if they don't seem like competent adventurers) (and adventurers all magically fall into one of nine types like that would happen normally) . You explore the Yggradsil Labyrinth, which is somehow layered in floors, despite it being a supposed natural formation. It transitions from a verdant forest to a dense forest, then to a water wonderland, then a barren desert, then to an underground city. All the while you slaughter innocent monsters like rats and frogs, to giant mantises and elephants. Did I mention everything (and I mean everything (which includes BLOOD CELLS ffs) is trying to kill you? Also, there's apparently a plot, I'm sure I missed it while playing. Something about the world being sustained by the World Tree (or somesuch), and some idiot researcher has combined with it and lived for thousands of years, (he's the final boss) and when you beat him, the tree dies and you effectively destroy your entire world. What's your response after that? Explore more, completely destroying more ecosystems and exploring what would appear to be some sort of hellhole (that's the best way I can describe it. You really have to play it to see). Seriously, you guild never thinks about the repercussions of what they do. You bastards.

(For reference, I really like this game.)

Edited January 9, 2012 by Manix

[Ciarre]

"A hooligan goes on a quest to fix a fountain, but ends up in everyone else's quests. His friend disapproves." -From TvTropes, on Tales of Vesperia.

[Lord Raven]

The best one on tvtropes is the metal gear one:

Guy named after a penis builds a fortress named after a clitoris and is defeated by a guy named after an erection.

And I think they said Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin was about a custody battle and a property dispute and neither survive.

[Original Alear]

Suikoden II:

2 gay guys battle it out for the fate of the world because they can't accept their love for each other. One of them befriends a bear, hilarity ensues; the other adopts a mute girl, hilarity ensues. Luca Blight kills pigs until he dies like a pig himself.

[Momo]

Persona 4: A really, really, really, really long episode of Scooby Doo, except for some reason Freedie went mute and Scooby is now a bear.

[Integrity]

I'm going to let you guys fight about what this summarizes. It's a tricky one, to be true.

Morrigan disapproves (-5)

[Ein]

Shin Megami Tensei 3: Nocturne/Lucifer's Call

Lucifer makes a 17 year old kid one of his generals and you end up killing God because what else are you gonna after playing the game for 50 hours?

[Rehab]

I'm going to let you guys fight about what this summarizes. It's a tricky one, to be true.

Morrigan disapproves (-5)

In my playthrough, Morrigan approved of everything I did. Rebellious smartass pragmatist elven arcane warrior = ultimate Morrigan charmer. B}

You're the least socially-adjusted man on earth, and probably also the most perfect human there's ever been, modified by cutting-edge nanotechnology. In a world thrown into chaos by reams of ludicrously bullshit conspiracies and double-conspiracies, everybody comes to you to force you to clean up their messes, from the United Nations to the Chinese Triads to kids hungry for candy bars. You make everybody else look like shit in the process, and eventually get mindscrewed into omniscience when you're done with all your amoral wanton destruction.

[Maji]

Xenogears: Moody asshole who hates everyone fights people in a giant gundam, and bangs a hot chick as a result of it.

EDIT: Final Fantasy IV- Darth Vader has a mid-life crisis and finds out that the Emperor is actually a giant turtle who hates everything.

Edited January 13, 2012 by Maji

[Life]

Bioshock - Boy finds drugs. Boy uses drugs. Boy develops Oedipus complex. Boy then uses little girls to get other guy addicted to drugs. Other guy dies thanks to needle overdose.

Moral of the story: Don't do drugs.

[MacLovin]

heres one

Stereotypical megalomanic with godly power wants to take control of world

[Intoner Two]

Summoner II (Will Contain Spoilers):

In the sequel to a rather underwhelming launch title for the PS2, you play the Queen of Medieval-Era kingdom who was crowned at the age of 4 because some totally-not-evil-middle-eastern-waif claims she is a goddess reborn. 15 years later, she is joined by a blue-is-the-new-black-skinned, land-mermaid assassin who failed to kill her after coronation because "aww, so cute" and possible lesbian lusts; the veteran knight who was the muscle that won her kindgom's independence, also a racial bigot and eternal bicker buddy of the aforementioned assassin; the suave pirate with a British accent who's bald except for a single, long braided-ponytail with a knife fastened to the end, also a kick chick sans chick; the muscled Star Treck Data-expy, now bare-chested and moar schizophrenic; the badass acrofatic juggernaut who's part of a race referred to as "the Ancient Ones", slings a mean hammer but can literally eat your soul if he wants you to get in his belly; the former's girlfriend-with-her-soul-in-a-robot, fires lasers from her arm or just kamikazes because she's the most honorable and last but not least, some old sage who walks like his back's been thrown out--searches for his daughter because that's what daddies do and he's the only character that was in the prequel to this game. Turn's out that after journeying to the center of the World Tree and then having a pyschadelic coma-dive that proves our MC Queen is yes, a God among you, Data's inner demon still wants to kill you (like he tried to do earlier, desecrating a sacred tomb in the process ) oh and some random idiots still think they can invade your kingdom but that's why you raised a super velociraptor-ish monster pet earlier if you were smart to pay attention to the hundreds of "oh yeah, you can do this" sidequests that absolutely litter this 24 hour game (half being from the sidequests). Kill them, kill the waif, beat Data up, get pawned by his inner demon, Queenie and Ancient One's girlfriend-with-her-soul-in-a-robot perform the fusion dance, exorcise the Big Bad and end up transmogrifying into the new World Tree because it's the right thing to do and God can't possibly die forever, now don't you feel fine?

yeah, run-on sentences ftw~

[Renall]

Wizardry VI: Some adventurers, a dragon, and an evil overlord get into a fight over a pen. Things end with a spaceship launch.

Tales of the Abyss: Some guy thinks everyone sucks, so he wants to replace them with exact copies of themselves. The only marginally successful attempt at actually doing this leads to the guy who kicks his ass. Whoops.

Final Fantasy Tactics: Apparently you can have upward mobility in a feudal society, as long as you lie about absolutely everything. Also, a boy collects rocks so he can bang his sister.

Arc Rise Fantasia: A guy becomes the champion of a genocidal worldview because nobody actually told him what he was doing. This causes half his friends to go crazy, but at no point does anyone actually explain anything, instead having a scavenger hunt. Eventually the hero gets fed up with this bullshit, kills God, and takes a nap.

Record of Agarest War: To save the world, successive generations of heroes must wrangle three-ways with women who are strangely completely okay with it. The final hero chooses to fight destiny by instead forming a harem of over a dozen women, all of whom are equally okay with that.

[Soren37]

Final Fantasy III (DS)

After going through a lame opener where apparently you, your best friend, some hot red-head, and a guard are the only ones who can stop the forces of evil from destroying your entire world, and you now must pick a class, I mean, "Job" and go through a series of strangely disconnected but all equally important quests because WORLD WILL ENDZ. After defeating a giant turtle, a genie, a rat, a thief, a dragon, some weird Medusa head, a guy with a skull for a head, 4 frogs, a kleptomaniac with golden armour, 3 knights, some weird bird man, some guy that doesn't even matter, two geriatrics because they said you had to, and the twin to the guy that doesn't even matter, you finally get to the big bad evil guy who apparently plopped his fat ass down on the "Dark" side of Light-Dark balance scales. After beating him, you are told that THIS ISN'T THE END and the thing that actually created the Dark World decides to still show up and throw a party for the world she's going to end, in which the whole world will blow up. After going through the dark world and finding out that the light world did something like this 1000 years ago, which doesn't even really matter because WHY WOULD YOU STOP THE LIGHT and then you throw shurikens, summon a few dragons and beat the shit of the thing that said "End the World".

Apparently you're all orphans from another world too, but I'unno, it got like, 2 text boxes max.

[Ike-Mike]

Contra: There's a 30 live code that allows you to get to the ending easier.

Super C: There's a code too, but it's different and only gives you 10 lives.

Contra 3: You will only see the true ending on Hard.

Contra 4: You will never see the ending on Easy.

Contra Hard Corps: You can watch many endings on any difficulty.

Contra Rebirth: You don't play this game for the plot.

[Agro]

FE6: stuff happens to people we don't care about, then more stuff happens in place we don't care about, and then more stuff happens in a time where no one cares.

[Momo]

FE6: stuff happens to people we don't care about, then more stuff happens in place we don't care about, and then more stuff happens in a time where no one cares.

That's a weird way to spell "Every FE ever"

[Anouleth]

FFVIII

Squall: ...

FE9

Ike: I am honest, pragmatic, likeable, and generally a nice guy, but I don't really have any expe-

Titania: You should command the Greil Mercenaries!

Lethe: I am impressed by your ability to apologise!

Caineghis: You MUST rescue the princess!

Sanaki: You should command my laguz slave investigation!

Reyson: I am impressed by your random fluke in discovering my sister!

Elincia: You should command the Liberation Army!

Black Knight: I am somehow impressed by the fighting ability of someone who has been seriously fighting for less than a year!

FE10

Micaiah: Why does everyone like this Ike guy so much?

[Maji]

Aight, let's get to business, spoilers somewhat:

Dragon Warrior: Contest between the soldiers of who can get down Princess Gwaelin's garments, and the hero won, and was forced into a life of labour as a result.

Dragon Warrior II: Three kids get lost in the woods, and stumble upon an old house, and get their asses handed to them over and over

Three kids aimlessly wander the world and find things and kill god at some point, minor details!

Dragon Warrior III: Incompetent King with ten lines scams a country gal' into saving the world with three other local deadbeats.

Dragon Warrior IV: Some guy who hates everything gets punched in the dick by a twelve year old notRussian Princess and loses instantaneously.

Dragon Quest V: Sigurd returns to Barhara only for Alvis to kill him, and it's up to Celice to save the world

Dragon Quest VI: Hey hero, I heard you like dreams, so the Arch Fiend put a dream in a dream, so you can identity crisis while you dream of having an identity crisis!

Dragon Warrior VII: So, Ark from Terranigma went all "yea, fuck that, elder" and left the stage, so three brats go and fill in for him.

Dragon Quest VIII: The typical Disney witch isn't fucking around any more and is done with all this cutesy shit.

Dragon Quest IX: Why leaving naughty children locked in basements isn't really a good thing...

[Original Alear]

FFVIII

Squall: ...

You forgot , I think Squall predated the internet on rampant use of facepalm.

[Anouleth]

You forgot , I think Squall predated the internet on rampant use of facepalm.

Okay.

FFVIII

Squall: ...

Zell: Hi, I'm a nice, friendly but a bit goofy guy that's basically your best fri-

Squall:

Quistis: We should go and save the world from an evil sorceress who seeks to take over the wor-

Squall:

Rinoa: I have the hots for you, but at the same time I'm struggling with my latent sorceres-

Squall:

Seifer: I want to kill you because I'm a knight (?)

Squall: ...whatever.

[Original Alear]

Okay.

FFVIII

Squall: ...

Zell: Hi, I'm a nice, friendly but a bit goofy guy that's basically your best fri-

Squall:

Quistis: We should go and save the world from an evil sorceress who seeks to take over the wor-

Squall:

Rinoa: I have the hots for you, but at the same time I'm struggling with my latent sorceres-

Squall:

Seifer: I want to kill you because I'm a knight (?)

Squall: ...whatever.

/thread

[Defeatist Elitist]

Here's a few:

Isabella has founded Judaism. Isabella has declared WAR on you! (Civ IV of course)

100 Brigades of Jacobin Rebels have risen! The fools in Russia have declared war on us! (Victoria 2)

(EU3)

[IGdood]

Shogun 2: Total War

Ashigaru peasants are cheap, but they suck!

Samurai are godly, but they're too expensive.

My research and weapon upgrades make peasants both cheap AND awesome!

The point of the Sengoku Jidai was about samurai and shit, but DAMN, these peasants are godly when used correctly.

Spam peasants.