How do I get a girlfriend?

[MacLovin]

Sorry, I just took a good, long look at the USA and decided that the majority of humanity was beneath me :V

most individuals here (SF) aren't, oh no; a lot of them are awesome people who I would consider to be worth my time, but I'm not gonna go out of my way to help people unless they've proved that they're worth helping ~( ' 3')~

and if you'd like me to record a video saying "People just aren't worth my time" or whatever you'd want to convince you that it's not just some internet quip I throw out to troll, I can

Tangerine?

[Excellen Browning]

Lots of text that can be basically summed up like this: I should treat people the way I want to be treated; with understanding and love.

I think I did not too bad a job of summarizing for you.

Now let's give you mine:

1. when dealing with people: treat them the way I want to be treated. This in my case means I usually go with the flow but check with myself when something feels odd.

2. The goal of life is to be happy. Or the same thing but said in a different way (like to serve God). No matter how you achieve it.

3. Judge myself in a Socratic way. AKA by how I think I should live. Judge others in a machiavellian way. AKA by how they actually live. Act according to your judgment.

4. Be honest. Be brutally honest. Be so brutally honest with yourself you know whether or not you'd rape when drunk and horny and stuff like that.

4. Remind yourself that humans are not mechanistic and rarely understand themselves. Even if they themselves don't know, they're organic, non-linear, random, chaotic(their true selves) and everything no matter how much they try to make themselves believe they are orderly, right, just. Being chaotic is fine.

5. As not obvious as it may seem when you're younger, each and all of us are formed by what we experience. Our life philosophies are formed by our inner monologue which has been ongoing for as long as we could think.

And on to the matter at hand. (bluntly)

I honestly think you're one of the lucky ones. A minority. With your situation and all. I know this can happen. And I've seen it happen once or twice. and I've seen a lot more relationships form in a more "traditional" sense, amongst which my own. The usual way a relationship starts is with a certain shared interest in eachother and follow up sexual tension. which is at some point acted upon.

This has created stable and life long relationships and marriages for centuries. And don't play the "but women were surpressed!" card because what we know is what tv shows show us, and that's not a lot. And what we think about this issue is that women were forced into role patterns. Wholly forgetting men were as well. And both of us still are.

So. Why are divorce rates up these days? Two reasons. first, you're using American numbers. More atomistic and selfish than the average American? Hard to come by. "I'm going to take all of it because I just wasted 3 years of my life with you" while blissfully ignoring that the other has just done the same. Second is not the way the way they came to know each other that makes people divorce. It's the way they act after they got married.

And this here bit is a bit of my personal experience and a bit psychology research paper that's actually worth the paper it's printed on for once.

You see after years of making each other and me and my siblings miserable my mother started cheating on my father, at some point being so madly in love with her new man she divorced and married the new guy as soon as was legally possible(turns out the new guy is an illegal alien who used her for the european equivalent of a green card that's a story for another tiiiiiime).

Anyway. My parents made each others life miserable. wanna know why? there's 3 basic reasons, but they're intertwined. Also just for sake of eliminating the possibility they got together in a fashion similar to yours. First is they didn't trust each other. Hilarious right? Good friends right? Trusting and caring right? fucking lies, no matter how much they both want to scream into my ear they really really tried. whenever they had an argument about something both of them were just out to prove themselves right, and most importantly, the other one wrong. Basic power struggle.

Second reason. Neither seems to have loved the other sexually. Okay. Political marriages (the ones where you don't marry out of plain love) were common, still are and end up fine more often than normal marriage reasons.

Third reason. big reason. they were both lazy asses. Before AND after marriage, in friendship and every relationship with anyone eveer, the following is a constant. Relationships need time and energy investments if they are to work out. And guess what quite a few people don't do once they're married? Right. Invest time and energy into their relationship. And guess what this one psychology paper more or less proved? That marriages that do not have both parties investing tend to be short and bitter ones. And of course dem married people who did figure out this bit lived happily ever after.

Now one more interesting tidbit and extrapolation of this, was that this was done on newlywed couples, AKA averaged mid-20 to mid-30 year olds. And also largely "normal people" so guess what? How many of them extensively used internet in starting up their love relationship? That's right, too little to allow for correlation between length of relationship and way of getting together.

Now why did I focus on this one argument? Because it annoyed the all-living fuck out of me. And because I wanted to say something about it. Also don't ever use arguments like that when you know they are BS.

[Lux Aeterna]

... So, ignoring the whole "philosophy on life" posts...

[generic advice]

How do you get a girlfriend? Well, be yourself. And if she doesn't want that, then you're looking for the wrong person.

I personally kind of just stumbled blindly through it and eventually ended up with my girlfriend. BUT I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT NOT ACTING LIKE MYSELF 8D

[/generic advice]

[nolongeractivesheep]

A multifaceted but ill-explained list of philosophies and then a rant about marriage to someone who has seen it even worse than that, and you know, lived it.

That was rather... pedantic. Um, anyway... The tendency to rush into relationships is what kills it more than anything else. The internet is a convenient way to get to know people well, however... For most of my relationships, that's not what I used. I came to the conclusion of dating being utterly useless after watching how it destroys relationships before they've even begun and also through my own experiments. I'm in no way lucky. I had to search for ages to find what I was looking for in a person, and to become their friend made me feel completely privileged.

Marriage is an entirely optional thing these days, and given the tax code, almost something that's better to avoid. My point is that if people know each other inside and out and already accept and love each other in spite and even /for/ all of their faults, it won't turn into some argumentative competition with both parties trying to win. My family tore itself apart this way as well, and I got to deal with all the physical and emotional abuse from that lovely ordeal. The fashion I speak of completely eliminates that possibility, since unless the two enjoy tearing each other apart, my method prevents it from ever progressing that far. I don't think listening to your parent's anecdotes about how perfect they were at first until it all went wrong is going to give you any accurate representation of the facts.

If a relationship cannot work without sex, it was never a relationship at all. Its one thing to be nymphomanic and have a compulsion for sexual activity driving someone's motivations, but when its just normal people, they should be capable of living together and spending life together without sex ever coming up. Naturally if two people are married and are sexual people, they will want sexual fulfillment... But there was almost certainly far far far more than just sexuality that wasn't fulfilled in that relationship.

I suppose I'm probably just the sort of person who sees things in a way that completely annoys you?

... on that note, I think I've steered this thread off topic for long enough...

[Ϲharlie]

Nobody cares if you're on-topic in FFtF.

[buttmuncher.ops]

this thread needs some

[CT075]

personally, i have no problem with the idealistic notion of "treat people the way you think you want to be treated". I have a deep respect for those who have the decency to think about others with no personal benefit to themselves, I really do.

On the other hand, it's hardly practical unless you actually have the money/time/whatever to give it away. If you do, yippee. I have no issue with that, if anything I would have an issue with those who didn't. But to then go around saying "hey, I'm throwing money at people because I believe that they would do the same for me how come you guys aren't" to (potentially) some of the very people you're throwing money at is pretentious and something that only someone who really doesn't understand poverty would say (and I personally find it more arrogant than the "i feel that you're beneath me" attitude). Think about this:

For the sake of example, say I'm an impoverished person working my ass off just to make enough for my family to eat. This is fine, I will work for the sake of my family. Then, some high-horse riding rich person appears and preaches about how I should be donating my money to people, because I want people to give money to me. Imagine yourself in that position, please. You're sitting there, enough above these "lower class" (tentative term) people that you get little to none of the donations but you don't have a lot of spare cash for the nice things (like a house that doesn't have caved-in walls, a car that was made in the past two years, etc). Sure, I'd wish that someone would come give me a hand. But to say that I should make the correct "moral" decision and donate what would potentially have otherwise helped my family [get a new car/fix the leaking roof/get the kids through college] to someone who probably won't even know my name? The "you should be happy to put up with a little inconvenience to make sure that others get something" is, while perfectly fine in theory, only works in a completely polarized society. The rich give to the poor, but what about the in-between? What about those people who have just enough for themselves and only themselves? The attitude of "they can just live a little cheaper for a while" is a very rich attitude indeed; sometimes "living cheaper" means living without a roof, or tightening their belt for a week without food.

By no means am I saying that kindness isn't worth anything. The small things (giving five bucks to the homeless dude on the street, helping a stranger recover a lost coat, etc) are cheap. You won't really miss what you give up for that. But the level I see with some people is that "If I can put up with a 30% income cut [dropping from 1mil to like 0.7 mil] to help the poor, you can put up without that new car." It's not that easy. I wish there were some magic "right thing" button that made everything that simple, but it's not.

Tell me this. If you had to choose between feeding yourself (and I mean like 'the loaf of bread you buy is the only thing you get to eat for the day' kind of 'feeding yourself') and feeding a complete stranger, would you? If these were 100% mutually exclusive, and you were both impoverished to the point of 'whoever doesn't get the food has to go without eating for the next few days', would you? I understand that this is an overly-simplified scenario but this allows for an simple answer - If you can honestly tell me that you would give the bread to the other guy, I'm done. You win, you have the moral superiority.

[Myke]

I remind myself that they're human, and therefore a liar, a cheater, a braggart and a consumer. They've denied the truth, doubted their purpose in life, been swayed by faulty logic and by clever design. They've probably thrown out their share of recyclable waste, spent mornings fussing over their reflection, fantasized about both ridiculous and horrible things. I picture them talking down to their siblings, laughing at someone's misfortune, or committing acts of self-destruction. I remind myself that they're carrying the same toolkit that I am, that they have the same capacity for weakness and for greatness.

And then I drink alcohol.

[Death']

wow guys. wow. yeah you are so much kinder and more selfless than everyone else, your tl;dr posts are pure evidence that you are a fantastic, thoughtful human being and a true role model.

Anyway as to how to get a girlfriend, compliment her butt. And like the other guy who suggested, take her to IHOP!

[Rehab]

take her to IHOP!

Not that I don't enjoy how this thread has turned out, and not to add to confirmation bias, but..

I mean who doesn't want to be taken to IHOP

Edited April 11, 2012 by Rehab

[Freohr Datia]

I would want to be taken to IHOP if only because I've never been there before =3

[Zanarkin]

I would want to be taken to IHOP if only because I've never been there before =3

I'd take you there but you don't like guys with a short haircut :(

[Aleph]

I would want to be taken to IHOP if only because I've never been there before =3

I

what

Are you sure you're too far away? I would MAKE you go to IHOP.

Then I would MAKE you order chocolate pancakes (yes, plural)

[Death']

I'd take you there but you don't like guys with a short haircut :(

no one likes guys with short haircuts.

[Sunwoo]

Eh, in all honesty, I'm not sure why people are so fussed about finding a girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other. And this isn't me trying to be mean or sarcastic or pessimistic, I really don't understand.

We all pretty much want to be around people whom we get along with, who have common interests as we do, and who are willing to support us. The thing is ... friends do this as well, not just your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other. And unlike the latter, you can have plenty of best friends. So ... really, what does a boyfriend or girlfriend offer you that a friend couldn't? Being the "one and only"? This doesn't mean much when true friendships last longer than relationships, and "the one" is nigh impossible to find. Having a boy/girlfriend could possibly bring out a side of you that you didn't know existed. Suddenly, you're annoyed at every opposite-gender friend your boy/girlfriend has? Not spending as much time with your other friends? You're insecure and wondering if you're "good enough" for your significant other? And what about that very likely possibility that you and your boy/girlfriend will break up?

I truly don't understand why people want to a boyfriend/girlfriend instead of seeking to strengthen their friendships. The most important question to ask yourself before you want a girlfriend or boyfriend is this: "what does having a boy/girlfriend offer me, that a regular good friend cannot?" And you have to really think this one through. Don't just say something like "I can get laid" or whatnot. A true friend should offer you everything that a boyfriend or a girlfriend would be able to. Except that friendships generally last longer and can expand to having more than just one person. It's better to have a large support group of friends. Not just that "one person" who may or may not be "the one" and "all that special."

To sum up my wall of text, the friend-zone rocks. And I don't want to leave it.

[Freohr Datia]

I'd take you there but you don't like guys with a short haircut :(

Poor you XD

I

what

Are you sure you're too far away? I would MAKE you go to IHOP.

Then I would MAKE you order chocolate pancakes (yes, plural)

Yes I am quite sure.

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooo I'm too tinyfuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

[Sunwoo]

(sighs) I have a wall of text on the previous page, if anyone cares to read it.

[Strawman]

This thread got strangely serious for an FFtF thread...

On the other hand, girlfriends are over rated. What you really need is to just go have crazy wild sex, protected of course, with random women you meet at parties!

Take this advice from someone who is insta friend-zoned by any girl he talks to for more than like 2 seconds. lololololololololol

[Freohr Datia]

(sighs) I have a wall of text on the previous page, if anyone cares to read it.

I saw it!

Personally I would be fine if I were just friends with someone I really liked because if we're like best friends ever then I would be happy with that!

But sometimes people will feel a much stronger attachment for one person over everybody else and what you want to do with that person (hugging, kissing, etc) is not quite the thing you would feel like doing with all the rest of your friends XD Just the one person. So they have a name for that! XD Your significant other! So you end up making that person your significant other and they have their status in your own eyes~ In my eyes, being with someone and holding them in that "status" is showing you want a stronger friendship with that person, more than anybody else! Of course as has already been said in this topic, apparently not many people think of it in that way XD It seems as if very few think in that way.....

I don't see anything wrong with either method, really... Just depends on how devoted you feel to a person compared to others, maybe...

And yeah, Strawman, I felt this kind of thread should've been put into general instead and now that people have been posting seriously that just reinforces what I think. =o

Edited April 11, 2012 by Freohr Datia

[Sunwoo]

Personally I would be fine if I were just friends with someone I really liked because if we're like best friends ever then I would be happy with that!

But sometimes people will feel a much stronger attachment for one person over everybody else and what you want to do with that person (hugging, kissing, etc) is not quite the thing you would feel like doing with all the rest of your friends XD Just the one person. So they have a name for that! XD Your significant other! So you end up making that person your significant other and they have their status in your own eyes~ In my eyes, being with someone and holding them in that "status" is showing you want a stronger friendship with that person, more than anybody else! Of course as has already been said in this topic, apparently not many people think of it in that way XD It seems as if very few think in that way.....

I don't see anything wrong with either method, really... Just depends on how devoted you feel to a person compared to others, maybe...

I can understand that, really. But that just brings up some more questions for me: why can't we just hug all of our friends? I hug all of my friends. What exactly does kissing offer? Why do people want to do it? Why does a stronger attachment have to mean wanting to date that person?

This is probably just a difference between you and me, but I find that unless you know for certain that the person you make your significant other is truly "the one", relationships may be a faster way to end friendships and potential friendships and other non-romantic relationships. My two friends from undergrad? They got along so well when they were just friends. Then they got together. They were together for the rest of the year, broke up after 1st quarter the next year, and the breakup was probably one of the contributing factors to my female friend transferring to another school.

Again, this is probably just who I am. For some reason, I'm not interested in relationships. I've never been interested in them, and when I truly thought about it I've never felt anything more than friendship for a guy. I'm perfectly happy and I get all the emotional support I need from my group of friends. So I really don't understand how this one specific person, your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other, is supposed to be more important than all of my friends and give me more than what all of them could ever give me.

Mind you, I've felt and been ditched a couple of times in undergrad when three out of five friends were in their dating stage, so I'm particularly bitter towards relationships. And I've never seen romance as being anything important.

[Aleph]

The easier to carry you to IHOP against your will with, my dear.

Edited April 11, 2012 by Aleph

[Dr.Sholes]

You have to be all like, "Hey baby, my name's Helios. Wanna go see my limo?" and then she'll be like, "Dayum! He gots the moneeeyz! Hellz yeah!" Then you kidnap her!

No, but to be serious you just have to talk to her and not get too close until you're dating. Also, make sure she's not a psycho before you ask her out... Not a good time...

[Aleph]

You know that from experience huh

[Junkhead]

I have never asked a girl out...

[Freohr Datia]

I can understand that, really. But that just brings up some more questions for me: why can't we just hug all of our friends? I hug all of my friends. What exactly does kissing offer? Why do people want to do it? Why does a stronger attachment have to mean wanting to date that person?

This is probably just a difference between you and me, but I find that unless you know for certain that the person you make your significant other is truly "the one", relationships may be a faster way to end friendships and potential friendships and other non-romantic relationships. My two friends from undergrad? They got along so well when they were just friends. Then they got together. They were together for the rest of the year, broke up after 1st quarter the next year, and the breakup was probably one of the contributing factors to my female friend transferring to another school.

Again, this is probably just who I am. For some reason, I'm not interested in relationships. I've never been interested in them, and when I truly thought about it I've never felt anything more than friendship for a guy. I'm perfectly happy and I get all the emotional support I need from my group of friends. So I really don't understand how this one specific person, your boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other, is supposed to be more important than all of my friends and give me more than what all of them could ever give me.

Mind you, I've felt and been ditched a couple of times in undergrad when three out of five friends were in their dating stage, so I'm particularly bitter towards relationships. And I've never seen romance as being anything important.

Oh everybody always hugs all their friends. There's not really anything against that at all. But kissing is just what some people enjoy, who knows, maybe it's even part of their dna or whatever to enjoy that kind of touch. Maybe some others just don't develop that and that might be where you stand in this.

Just because they ended up breaking up after getting together doesn't entirely mean it will always be the same. It could just be that they thought they should be more when really they weren't as compatible as they thought. But there are successful relationships out there and many old people tell of their stories, of how long they've been with their significant other. Not everything works out the same.

Yes, that sounds like it could just be for you. You just haven't grown enough attachment. I think that there are probably some out there who could and those who go through all the heartbreak are either doing it wrong (like thinking too much of sex or loving each other, when I kinda just feel that all it takes is a stronger bond and support) or they just weren't compatible enough. But finding someone you could make things work out with can be pretty rare. Probably why we all hear of nothing but the drama that comes with people that want these. That does make it seem that it'd be way way way easier to just keep everyone as friends. But of course it would feel much better to take the easy way out~ That's often how I am. But I still haven't had enough experience yet. So I may not be the right person to talk about this at all XD

That's pretty sad =[ I can see how it'd make you feel that way. Again, I've had almost no experience at all. I've always made it a point to myself to get to know someone as a friend before doing anything else, because then I think it would keep things as real as possible. Because they might act more as themselves if they're not thinking of trying to act the way they think I'd want them to act. Or also because I wouldn't have to feel so committed if they really are terrible people.