Let's Shatter: Final Fantasy Tactics Advance!

[eclipse]

My turn~!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7toQGXwKHOw

Eh, close enough.

Ribbit.

Let's see what's in store. . .

OH HELL YES! The Hero Gaol is one of those items that gets you something good if taken on a mission. . .like this:

He's worth it, even if he's rather on the slow side.

She's slow, too, but Doublecast is amazing.

If it's raining diamonds, I don't want to be anywhere in the area. Hail sucks. . .now imagine if it never melted!

See that dragon with shades? He hit. That's the result.

Catrine eventually tired of this game of cat-and-mouse, and mopped up for me.

Your crystal fetish is really creepy.

Stop it. Please.

[Parrhesia]

SUPERFIST. i prefer the original though

[spoiler=As promised...]

BLUE MAGE

The human gimmick class, and they work just like they've always done; rarely. The only reason you'd ever want a beastmaster is to harness the full power of one of these, and in full honesty the 'full power' of one of these ain't that great. They're kind of a jack of all trades, with a few nice moves and good stats around the board, but they're nothing special. At least sabres are good weapons, and no other class uses them.

Most notable for getting damage > MP, which is broken as shit in TA because you regen 5 mana every turn and the damage doesn't spill over into HP. You can cock-block a 999-damage Ultima every turn with five fucking mana regen.

Oh yeah now it's time to WRECK some SHIT. All in the name of 'The Ice Cream Man's Girl.' Woo!

First, though, Oasis Frogs. We're guarding a shop from medusae for some reason.

... That was quick.

FFFF IT'S THAT BOOK

OMG

This is Elda's Cup all over again; take it on missions and we get SPECIAL CHARACTERS to join us.

The guy we get from here IS ALMOST AS COOL AS ELDENA. Christ.

... You'll do. That speed's abysmal, though.

As we walk into Diamond Rain, which probably hurts a fair bit, Sabina's... changed.

[spoiler=With two each of Elemental and White Magic abilities, she has become]

SUMMONER

Summoners are a force to be reckoned with. Okay, so they're slow, fragile and their summons use a fuckton of mana, but their summons use a fuckton of mana because they are really fucking good. Ifrit, Ramuh and Shiva are fire/thunder/blizzard variants of some significant power, with a quite massive area of effect. Madeen's the same but holy. Unicorn heals, Kirin has regen, Carbuncle reflects, and Phoenix is a full-revive. If you like your magic big, personal, explosive and about as subtle as a monster truck, then this is your class. Just make sure they actually join as something with a less awful speed score.

CELEBRATE WITH THE ORIGINAL AND SLIGHTLY BETTER SUPERFIST

Jesus, that stings... but Sabina's ready to take revenge! ... So's Stan, probably!

WOOO

okay stan finish 'em

...

Stan?

OH GOD HE HAS ONE HEALTH

TIME FOR THE BOMB'S SIGNATURE MOVE

... what.

okay

Technically you can learn Blowup, but why would you? Like, ever?

Then I realise Stan only knows Blizzara (fuck the first tier spells), so it falls to Sabina to kill the flan!

...

She misses everyone but Francheska and the foremost dragon.

OH GOD THAT IS INDECENT AND NON-SANITARY

The emotional impact of having been licked by a dessert with a tongue the size of her head and torso finally overcomes her, and Francheska falls. This is the paragraph where I remember Fran is a viera in FF12, and I realise that I now have to stop using my amazing nickname for Francheska's clunky and misspelt name.

Pauline shoots a dragon in the face. This... this is what is called 'improvement'.

We move onto The Lost Ring which is a pretty boring mission. Basically we're looking for the ring and OH NO WE HAVE TO ROUT MONSTERS

In A2, they'd have shiny spots you could investigate mid-battle, and they'd be the goal instead of routing. If you wanted you could just gun for them as fast as possible, and it was always convenient.

Monte never really understood the concept of 'healing' as such.

It misses Higgins by sheer fluke, and Pauline finishes off the last enemy. The Sniper class managed to save even Pauline from permanent obscurity.

... The ring was like nowhere near any of the enemies. Fuck me.

Then Benton returns, and then, as now, he has EXCELLENT taste in new meat for the clan.

Lini has Ultima Charge, but I'd rather let it sink in to you all that those are his UNARMED stats.

But hey, that's only the third-best thing about Lini.

The BEST best thing about Lini is that he's an ANCESTRAL HERO.

[Parrhesia]

[spoiler=His class isnt half bad, either]

MOG KNIGHT

These guys are somewhere in between fighters and paladins. They have a paladinly 3-move, they're in between the two in terms for speed and attack, they have better defence than even paladins but less HP than either, have heavy armour but use blades and clothing as well, and can't use robes, and their moveset is largely a reskin of the fighter's. They also have shields. They're pretty cool, and easy to access with one Animist ability.

Also, it's a female mog knight that eventually breaks Montblanc's heart, so... props to them for that.

what

No, fuck YOU, Mog Knight.

[spoiler=the dudes in the hats]

GUNNER

Man this game is so challenging clearly what we need is a class that charms and stops things from 8 spaces and gets Concentrate and lfsdghosdg

Seriously, Gunners are godlike. Guns have 8 or 9 range depending on the rifle you use, and they aren't weak if you train them right (aka in mog knight, animist, or even thief).

Notable for having a godawful statline. Also notable for it not mattering in the fucking slightest, although that speed can smart. Their only good stat is... defence?! Anyway, don't bother dipping into it until you get the important shots, namely Charm and Stop.

TIME MAGE

Time magi are pretty decent, don't let their awful costuming fool you. They have inexplicably superb magic as well as average (!) speed, and that's... really all you need in a mage. They get haste, slow, quicken and stop, and for offense they have Quarter and Demi, which deal 25% and 50% respectively of the target's current HP. They also have reflect and silence for some reason. Best paired with black mage, or maybe illusionist even though illusionist blows chunks.

Nu mou time magi wipe the floor with moogles. They get a whole extra point of magic every level and some change in resistance, and only lose in defence by a bit. Moogles can get concentrate, but nu mou get turbo MP, which again backs up their ideally blasty second skillset. Moogles make better pure time mages, but why wouldn't you pick a secondary skillset? ... Why am I debating minutiae in fucking FFTA?

I think it more likely that Lini was called to this place, Pauline.

I'm beginning to love fencers.

This is Lini when he is equipped.

(This Lini is probably an identically-named hero whose distant ancestor was THE Lini, but it's never actually confirmed. Still, in my mind, this Lini comes from a long line of knights called Lini, and when we got the chance to find the ancestral sword of Lini's fighting/drinking/wenching companion, he leapt at the chance. Too bad he isn't going to be using it until he can get the air render MOG LANCE, but eh.)

The boss knight, Rodrigo, having just witnessed Lini the Whateverth kill the animist, observes and copies his technique to deadly effect.

Lex may only have like four magic power, but Protect doesn't rely on it at all; therefore White Magic is a good secondary for him to keep until he gets his thief skills.

hardy you are officially worse than clan dip's archers

Last Quicken means that you get the next turn if you hit Critical. Last Haste is a Mog Knight (and I think something else) ability that hastes you when you're on critical, Last Berserk does that but with Berserk. Last Berserk is shit.

Swallowtail is pretty.

pretty effective

Lini finishes this...

... or so you'd think. The remnant keeps fighting in spite of everything.

I mean, c'mon, we all saw this coming.

"Right here, dude."

Nice trophy. Lini will be using this later. But it's only the tip of the iceberg. Gaol was evidently a Fighter with Double Sword, and this is only his off-hand weapon. Ayvuir Red... you'll like Ayvuir Red.

Clan Banisa is Cadoan's clan. They're pretty good, but still no match even for our B-team. Unseen here is their animist.

This screenshot seems like a good time to point out Belf's setup. Belf is a soldier because. He has a Chocobo Shield and an Onion Sword, both of which give ten evade (each!), and he has Mirror Mail, which gives auto-reflect. 70 evade, reflect, high concrete defence and decent offence. He's pretty kickin' rad.

...

herp

ice magic was forbidden

(I legitimately had an antilaw against this fuck)

It was a pretty dirty fight that I pretty much brute forced through.

don't care

Even so, the moment Stan works off his jail term, he's getting fired. I need someone with a better name and not-106 speed.

The Rangers are a funny old lot. They never leave their home turf, the Nubswood. A pretty easy clan.

Dear god.

DEAR GOD.

Benton cures his girlfriend with the power of violence.

Anyway, we finish the Rangers really easily. When Raw Steel returns, VIOLENCE will happen! Again! See you then.

[eclipse]

I'm so going to hell over linking that. . .



They don't want their experienced researchers near an active volcano. I see how valuable we are. Jerkface.



If it does, it should automatically make Ritz the head of Clan Pacemaker.



Lucius ducks and covers into a nearby room. How convenient~!



This one's a red teardrop in the center of the room. The other one. . .wasn't.



Alternately: Follow the yellow bricks in the room



Bad feelings I have.



Confirmation of bad feelings: 100%.



These are your enemy. They don't move, and their regular melee attack is pathetic. Instead, they will spam a move called Logos, which lowers the target's physical attack and Charms them. There's three ways of dealing with it. One is to arm yourself with anti-charm stuff. Another is to make a law against charm. The third one. . .



Make a "safe spot" by immediately killing a crystal, then outrange them with your magic users. Simple, stupid, and effective.



While waiting for the magical unit to finish up, Thenardi gave Lucius a back massage.



It would've helped if you could sense these things before they happened.



Gary Stu powers activate. I think having Montblanc in this scene would've been completely appropriate.



MONTBLANC, WHERE ARE YOU?



Oh gosh, another cameo by Lyn?



Shut up, Erk. . .I mean, Mewt.



Reality called, it wants to know why you locked the front door.



Normally there'd be a sarcastic post here, but I think the confusion is warranted.



Creepy, ain't it? Look how far away from reality it is!



If one person's idealized world is that far off of reality, I think knocking a bit of reality back into said person isn't asking for too much. That, and living in someone else's dream is weird.



YES YOU MAY COME ALONG.



A Nu Mou who doesn't have Speed issues? COME ON IN!

[eclipse]

~INTERMISSION~

Let me introduce you to Clan Pacemaker; they're still accepting applications~! You've already met Rolan; he just became a Black Mage, so the only difference is his mug.

The fearless leader of Clan Pacemaker, he has ditched all notions of originality to become this. He'll get around to becoming a secondary White Mage, because Blue and White are his favorite colors. So far, he knows Goblin Punch, Poison Claw, and Hastebreak.

The second-in-command, who will eventually be benched forever. By "eventually" I mean "when Rolan learns the Basic Trio of black magic".

Ingg is still The Man, and Air Renders hurt like no tomorrow.

Gilbert's a Ninja in the hopes that his Speed will improve greatly.

DON'T JUDGE ME, I'M A WORK IN PROGRESS!

Thenardi's keeping up. . .barely. Will eventually go Time Mage/Sage, but I want him to get a Life first.

Toynbee doesn't give a crap if he hits like a feather, 'cause his job is to inflict status effects.

Is keeping up about as well as Thenardi. Don't let his crap for Magic/MP fool you; he takes things down fairly quickly.

At first, she was a failure. Then, she got some Red Mage levels to her name, and now she is a wrecking ball. She'll eventually settle into Red Mage/Elementalist, because Doublecasting Elements is amazing.

The other half of the Moogle Status Duo. Dagger is an amazing skill.

Grisanbela's job is to punch things in the face and not care about the consequences.

He's going to do something about his awful Speed, I promise.

Nothing a Red Mage level (or fifty) won't fix.

My Paladin. . .one day.

Edited July 7, 2012 by eclipse

[Scarlet]

Nurse is an AoE first aid. I have no idea why it helps Ezel so little.

That's because Ezel's resistance is ridiculously exaggerated.

And yes, resistance reduces not only the effects of harmful magic, but also the effectiveness of healing.

[eclipse]

First, say hi to Isaac~! I need a magic blasty human, and he volunteered~!

HI ISAAC!

You're asking me to break federal law for--

Deal~! Peacemaker nets me Charmshot, and Toynbee's bored.

Gilbert will convince him. With a knife.

Jocie will melt both of you.

Wait, she needs a fire source first. This'll do.

Ingg is more than enough for your needs~!

ONWARD!

That would be the local org--er, I mean, hospital next door.

Indicator #48 that this world might not be real: Ghosts.

This may or may not be part of Final Fantasy Tactics Advance: Saw Edition.

Once again, Lucius misses the obvious - the scenery's changed!

He's only sightseeing. Way to overreact.

Lucius misses his friend~!

Don't start him on his crystal obsession, please!

Thanks for the introduction, now is that your dance crew?

. . .uh-oh. . .this means that conventional healing's not happening.

This battle might be a LITTLE BIT difficult.

Josie's job was to give everyone shades.

I think I screwed up, but for the life of me, I can't see how.

See Lucius' MP? Damage > MP saved the entire run, because Lucius would've been dead in any other situation.

Air freshener. Doesn't it smell fabulous?

If you'd STOP WHINING, I might not be so inclined to break this world in two!

Some whiny brat isn't in charge, for one.

He's doing it to himself.

That's three totema down. What else is in store for Clan Pacemaker? Does anyone care?

[NTNP]

I've really enjoyed reading this. I hope that you keep going all the way until the end.

[Parrhesia]

We start out with Hot Recipe.

This involves letting a restaurant compete with others on the same street by giving it the ingredients for a really hot soup or some shit. It involves genocide, so we're obviously interested.

pauline

dude

it's a fucking dragon right next to you

how did you miss

This bodes well.

The Bangaa shout at everything until everything stops moving, and we have our soup ingredients or whatever.

Sprohmknights. Do you really want to do this? Do you really want to fuck with me, Sprohmknights?

Yes, they do.

I noted the laws carefully before the fight. So carefully that I forgot about them and deployed Francheska anyway.

That said, the Sprohmknights are simply beneath me. They have the beginnings of a clan like mine (Warrior, Monk, Soldier, Fighter, White Mage) but none of the talent.

When Nelin shouts this message at their warrior from his hill, the warrior collapses in shame and defeat.

Francheska's punishment is leniant. We merely don't get any money from the next battle. Mythril weapons are what teach combo attacks, like Belf started with. Blue Mages use sabres, so it looks like Lex can join in on the fun.

We enter Sprohm. Stan! Welcome back. You're fired.

Go fuck yourself, Stan.

Now, time for Hot Awaken-

*sigh*

Alright, time to clear out these motherfuckers once and for all. I bring a magic medal because I think there's a possibility it skews new recruits towards magic jobs, and I need a human black or white mage who isn't Stan.

Let's go. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=_ryRL1FQkBQ

Hejaat, the Blue Red Mage we're fighting here, is a bitch. She misses Lini, but Benton is slowed and pretty much out of the running to be doing anything.

Eldena sets her on fire. Twice.

Her options were healing both her heavily injured comrades simultaneously, or this. She chose poorly.

I know he'll be a bishop after this mission. I know he's an inferior version of Ravel. I know moogles one-shot him. But I can't help but love Higgins.

Higgins~!

Also helps that he's dodged two 39s that would have killed him otherwise from Fira/Blizzara.

Benton ends this farce. I'll say this much for the Borzoi Capi, they died with dignity. Blades in hand, fire in their heart-

Nevermind.

Yes. Yes, it can.

Who the fuck put a moogle in charge of any branch of the mafia, anyway?

We meet Clan Dip again on the way to saving Lutia again. Lex's definition of 'pulled through barely' accounts for one-shotting three out of five opponents.

Eldena's pretty good at this whole 'fencing' deal. Currently she's on her way to Elementalist, and to re-unlocking Red Mage.

Right, now time for Hot Awake-

Fuck me.

I head from Sprohm directly into Lutia Pass. Clan Dip spawns suddenly and interrupts my path. Haven't they learned by now?

why did i reclass higgins into bishop

After this fight, I'm reclassing Higgins into Templar. Their magic growth is still decent, and unlike monks they HAVE an MP growth to speak of.

"WHY DO YOU EVEN KEEP FIGHTING US"

"I DON'T KNOW AAAGH"

Clan Dip headquarters;

Gareth: M'lord Steaphan! Our forces have suffered yet another crushing defeat at the hands of Raw Steel!

Steaphan: Hmph... I think the course of action is clear, Gareth.

Gareth: Yes, milord! The assassin's guild have sent one of their best fighters, and maybe given time they could train others of our forces-

Steaphan: No, you fool! Go out and hire more soldiers and archers.

Gareth: ... Well, uh, milord, with all due respect, is that ... wise?

Steaphan: Pfaugh! They are the best men and women Ivalice has to offer.

Gareth: Well, I mean-

Steaphan: I was a soldier back in the day, Gareth. And look at me now! Tell me what you see, Gareth.

Gareth: ... You're still a soldier, m'lord.

Steaphan: EXACTLY. The old ways are the best, Gareth, and if Clan Dip stopped standing up for them, they would surely die out.

Gareth: Well, maybe we should send these rookies out doing community service like Raw Steel? Then maybe we could get some real weapons for our men. Have you SEEN these shortswords?

Steaphan: Pfaugh! All you hip young men about town with your 'ebon blades' and 'cinquedeas'.

Gareth: Well, you seem very convinced about teaching all the human archers to concentrate, and the viera have evidently mastered Yoichi Bow techniques... surely there must be some lying around SOMEwhere-

Steaphan: GARETH YOU ARE TRYING MY PATIENCE.

Gareth: ... Sorry, my lord.

We enter Lutia.

Angel Rings confer one shot of Reraise per battle. I am stealing this shit no matter what.

Bishon will fuck us up though. Look at that attack! Christ. Not to mention she also knows Cupid, Concentrate gives a retardedly high bonus to everything hitting (50%?) and her other lackey is a time mage. We're bringing our A-team for this; Eldena, Lini, Nelin... and Randorf for the theft.

CHOP.

ffff-

The shot criticals. For seventy damage.

EYE OF THE TIGER.

NO.

Lini's MP is currently too pathetic to Ultima for a while. It's an inconvenience.

This would have killed Nelin twice over. Also, did I mention that Shell is against the law today? Fuck you, palace.

ELDENA DODGED A 93.

Bangaa Cry you are the best ability. It missed the time mage though, which allowed him to-

NO.

YOU ARE A BAD MAGE AND YOU ARE DEAD.

OH GOD HE KILLED THREE OF MY GUYS IN ONE ATTACK

Nelin gets back up.

ANCESTRAL HEROISM.

WHAT

NO

ONLY I AM ALLOWED TO CHEAT LIKE THAT

FUCK YOU.

AND YOU.

It protects Randorf from three other statuses as well. Randorf gets it because I really, really want him to not be this squishy.

And with that, I'm done. Next update, Pauline will finally actually undergo her final phase of transformation. Look forward to it!

[Parrhesia]

On our way back to the cities, we encounter Clan Banisa and immediately start publically humiliating them by stealing their clothing. I take a Power Sash from the Gladiator as well.

Then I undergo a Hot Awakening.

I present to you; a montage of charm breaking.

(Belf was also charmed)

Here, Belf procs Counter.

Basically Hot Awakening is boring and sucks.

Clan Marble attacks us on the way back to Sprohm... they're from Giza, I believe, and they're shit. Warrior, fencer, archer, soldier, animist.

Let's make things interesting by finally reclassing Pauline.

ASSASSIN

Assassins are shit.

Their weapon selection? Katanas and greatbows, and they wear clothing and hats. PATHETIC. And their abilities are awful, too. Petrification, slowing? Stop? Instant death? Don't make me laugh. Just because you can combine this shit with prissy archer abilities like this 'Concentrate' bullshit doesn't make you a good unit, princess. Don't think your four jump impresses me, or your literally unmatched speed. A soldier could match your attack! Okay, so maybe that's a good thing, but fuck you! Soldiers are a first-tier class, so you're obviously a scrub.

...

At least they got nerfed badly in A2.

... ...

Well, Concentrate did.

... ... ...

Fuck assassins.

We've now beaten the game.

I celebrate with murder. Please note that Concentrate affects this attack.

They line up nicely to attack her. With a dragoon around. Hey, Arthur, Mel, I've got something to say to you. It starts with 'y' and rhymes with 'door both idiots'.

Far Fist works from... afar.

Annoyingly he had to inch over one square for this one.

Belf: Sure, Monte loves working with poultry. He likes to cook them using his own firebreath, you see.

Mulchin: :O

Belf: ... Fine, Sabina can go.

HIGGINS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH AT FIGHTING TO RESOLVE YOUR ROOSTER TROUBLES

This is how you liberate entire regions.

Sure, we'll get around to it eventually.

"That's bullshit man his eyes were totally hazel"

Lini, we agreed you were the heir to the Lini name and it was your distant ancestor whose grave you defiled and stole your sword from. Shut your trap.

So we go to save Ritz and HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT.

Worst law in existance, comin' through! No Copycat means you can't use the action of the last guy to move. I use a lot of the same kinds of moves and always, ALWAYS forget about this rule.

It... it was like a three-day journey. Also, who's in the motley over yonder?

JUGGLER

These guys are pretty cool, not to mention the sheer moxie of fighting in full motley. Despite needing thief levels, they're nothing like the ninja, with the best defence in the game for... some reason. They're also damn fast, with attack around that of paladins. They use knives and clothing, and one of the better skillsets involving either a good status or damage AND a shitty status. Or dagger, which is the best of both worlds with disable and damage. This is all from range, I might add. Then there's Gil Toss, which is pretty much just for throwing money at flans which makes them melt. Oh, and they can quicken, which is sweet.

Hehe, the little fairy's doing a little fairy jig. That's probably good luck or someth

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

WHY IS A JUGGLER LEADING ZOMBIES AND FAIRIES AND THROWING MONEY AT RITZ

(massive quantities of violence later)

Not sure why they needed our help at all, to be honest... orrrrr she could miss.

I still keep wondering why the juggler keeps throwing money instead of, like, knives or chainsaws.

Yeah, something like that!

I think she's berserk, but her sprite is already red enough you can't tell. Also, she's pretty much Francheska with defence.

There were five of us, and five of them. We started seperated. None of us died, and we routed them. I don't think that's 'close'.

This is Ezel's card shop, where we can trade our cards for his. One kind of card becomes cheaper and one more expensive depending on the time, as gossip will tell you. ... Mostly, I just like the idea of someone mildly inconveniencing Mewt.

This sounds like Nelin's kind of thing. He LIKES murder endorsed by the governme- I mean, what?

Randorf has recently unlocked Juggler himself. Apparently only Jugglers can do marathons or something, so he's off to do that.

Then there's this.

Belf: Actually, they're called phoenix downs in the rest of the series-

Thief: 'Series'? What the fuck are you talking about, kid? Jesus wept, a man's DYIN' here.

Belf: i'm only trying to be accurate to the localisations ;.;

Anyway, I like Ezel and people who hate the gummint, so I undergo the trade.

That's... a pretty awesome credo. Or phrase. Whatever.

This is another of the fabled 'why the fuck is this even a main quest' quests, and I will be doing it next time. See you then!

[Klokinator]

Gotta love that magical morning wood.

[Integrity]

First, say hi to Isaac~! I need a magic blasty human, and he volunteered~!

HI ISAAC!

HI ECLIPSE

[Samias]

I realized my copy of FFTA doesn't have some of these translation mistakes. Raven is Raven and not Leven, and Phoenix Downs are Phoenix Downs. HMMMM.

[Parrhesia]

I'm using the NoE version or whatever.

even though the english translation uses american spellings

Edited July 9, 2012 by Furetchen

[Parrhesia]

But first, into the Tower Ruins quest. Lini mentions heroism in the quote that I forgot to get!

...

fuck it, reloading (at least partially because the laws are Colour Magic and Blades)

... I think Heath can stay.

Meanwhile, let's save Eluut!

Lex is arguably my worst non-Montblanc dude. He can literally use two abilities; fight and Protect. He can only learn things by dying to them first. He is underlevelled and I don't have any really good sabres. He oneshots this fairy with around 15 HP to spare.

Sabina's concept of 'friendly fire' extends as far as 'personally try to wear a robe of the same element; fuck everyone else'.

It works.

Tower time, and I don't think Lini's actually saying anything special.

Charge is the Mog Knight ability. It is a rank three law.

LOLGONE

Lini will free HIMSELF from his ability bind!

My excellent defensive formation skills show their brilliance once again.

Lini draws the Ayvuir Blue. The most anyone else has managed to do to him in a single blow has been Eldena's, like, 35. Which is possibly hitting a weakness.

Thanks to Bad Breath, Lini appears to be a poisoned frog who is blind. Oh, dear. Frogs can only fight, deal like 1 damage forever and have awful defence. It's pretty crippling.

Heath is awesome.

We win the fight, but we don't get anything special. Alas.

Normally I wouldn't bother, but being able to control beasts makes blue magic so, so much easier.

Thief: I could get used to this tree-cutting business, brah! So much easier than cutting things that fight back, brah!

Summoner: Indeed! And they sell for a pretty gil. What a bargain!

Belf: Sounds to me like y'all just pussies or somethin'.

...

I mean, uh...

yeah, that

i guess

Thief: Oh dear, we've been discovered, guv!

Summoner: Not a problem, as long as we keep them from reporting us!

They have the numerical advantage; it's 5v7 here. Fortunately, we have all the class, and they're... really stupid. The Time Mage got a slow reflected back onto him. Unfortunately, those thieves are BITCHES to hit.

oh my god guys

reflect exists

you idiots

"Whelp."

Belf gets flashbacks to Hot Awakening. (For reference, the summoner is the only mage here whose spells AREN'T reflectable.)

This is less than optimal.

One of those fucking thieves is down...

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED.

Things are getting tense...

O.O

Oh, cack.

OKAY, THREAT REVIEW

Thief must die.

Sniper must die.

Black Mage is pretty much useless.

Time Mage is only an inconvenience.

I think I can still do this. TRUST IN THE 70 EVADE.

... 70 evade, why have you forsaken me?

COMBO FOR CERTAINTY

CACK.

Belf is doubleshot, and Godfrey the thief doubleturns and flanks him.

I RUN AWAY AND X-POTION!

...

oh. my. fuck.

I just rediscovered the most utterly retarded and stupid thing about FFTA.

Potions. Are. Holy.

Today, Holy is forbidden.

Godfrey's speed resets. He hits Belf, Tifone shoots Belf, Godfrey hits Belf AGAIN. He's dodged every counter that's come his way, the CUNT.

FUCK YOU, GODFREY.

. . .

Game.

I lost due to retarded bullshit like Potions being Holy. Otherwise I could have X-Potioned again, killed Tifone and the others would have been virtually harmless. By virtue of bullshit, I use a savestate.

I wish I legit saved more often.

RIGHT. Belf kills summoner, then archer. Eldena hits Godfrey but misses the other thief this time, the Time Mage doesn't slow Eldena, so she lives to see her next turn, where she kills the thief and heals herself using Doublecast thus bypassing the Holy law, sniper pegs her with a few arrows.

Eldena sets the time mage and sniper on fire twice killing the latter. The hasted black mage doubleturns and murders her. Belf has counter, better evade and reflect.

Victory.

... If the judge knew they were criminals, why didn't he step in? WHY DID HE PREVENT ME FROM ROUNDING THEM UP BY ARBITRARILY PENALISING ME FOR SELF-HEALING WITH LIQUID THAT IS ARGUABLY OF A POSITIVE NATURE?!

Ivalice; where Hunters ensure the safety of the wildlife!

Belf, predictably, mumbles something about crystals. Because he's an idiot.

This, right here? This would make sense to restrict to jugglers. Not a fucking marathon for their stumpy fucking mog legs. As it stands, Nelin will be the life of the party.

ONLY RAISING TOURIST REVENUE CAN SAVE THE AISENFIELD

francheska why do we need the rope back

is this some kind of bdsm thing you have going with benton

The Joyeuse is nice, though, it'll give Francheska a new skill at last; Nighthawk is a 4-range Air Render/Mog Lance type thing, not sure about its power.

I get some early Jerky from a treasure hunt for putting the locations in certain places. It means I can do this;

Lini, did you ever think your quest for heroism would entail waving a piece of meat in front of a fat kid's nose until he finally chases after it and goes outside the house?

Oh, hey~ It's been a while, Borzoi.

Anyway, that's me done for now. Get ready for an especially sexy update next time! Woooo

[eclipse]

While Furet is off doing random things that I can't (dunno why the Borzoi stuff isn't showing for me), I'm gonna do something else with my time. Namely. . .

Thenardi's relegated to Beastmaster/other stuff; this guy's gonna go places!

. . .and then a viera shows up and beats out Sammy. Yes, you can come along.

Meet Big Gabbana. I have problems taking him seriously.

So did the rest of Clan Pacemaker.

Ingg has the right idea.

---

Patents already? This world sucks.

To the point, as always.

"Well, if you ignore this bounty on my head."

Lucius is as dense as a bag of bricks.

What about PERMANENTLY PINK HAIR?

This is as bad as insults can get. Curse you, ESRB!

Lucius has been degraded to a bounty.

Suddenly, Clan Pacemaker feels like the third wheel.

"We'll be over here, playing cards. You let us know when you're done."

Gilbert is dual-wielding, even though the results screen doesn't show it.

Here's the proof. One-shotting squishables is awesome.

I think Lucius has bigger things to worry about, like Ritz kicking his ass.

Awkward moment is awkward.

What a sweethear--

Shut up Serra.

---

Didn't realize that The Scouring was a totema mission, so I don't have too much to report.

Bring a Thief who can jack armor. Someone's wearing a set of Genji Armor, and you WANT this.

After beating up the scrubs in Muscadet, you're warped underground somewhere. It's a one-on-one fight with Babus and a bunch of fruits, with the main objective being to beat up the fruit pods. There's many ways to deal with Babus; reclass to Paladin and wear Mirror Mail and Flame Shield, hit level 20 in something that's bulky and can take magic damage. . .or use the Blue Mage's Damage > MP. Babus isn't the fastest thing in the world, and you'll always get a turn in before he does. In short, as long as you don't touch your MP, you will regenerate it every round, and since Babus doesn't go twice, he can't touch your HP. EVER. Meanwhile, Lucius the White Mage was able to smack the fruit with a Bless Staff. Note that if you've got the Cure Staff, you're SOL, unless Lucius has a secondary ability that can deal damage without using his weapon/MP. After a long battle which consisted of Lucius breaking fruits with his staff, I won.

---

Why am I wasting my time on this?

THAT KNIFE HITS PRETTY HARD, JOCIE GO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS MISSION NOW!

---

Picked up a battle mission called The Wanderers. Someone was stabbed to death, and we need to investigate? Shouldn't be too hard.

. . .uh-oh. Tonberries. They'll either drop 90% of your health, or inflict damage equal to the number of units you've killed thus far. In other words, RUN! HIT THEM FROM A DISTANCE! KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Leave it to the judges? NO. BURN THEIR CORPSES!

---

Ingg ran off before I could ask anyone else. He cleared it, so whee~!

---

This doesn't look too bad. . .

I found you, so I think that's more than "naught".

. . .I can't take him seriously.

Ingg thinks you're ugly.

Neksu agrees. In a rather amusing twist, my two Bangaa were the only survivors.

Only now you figured that out?

---

Newspaper wars~!

I despise bad journalism.

This sounds tough and all, until we remember that judges prevent people from dying.

You are the MAN, Mujika (picked him up randomly).

Pay no attention to the whiny ringleader. Instead, look at the White Monk in red. Kill him immediately, or he revives his fallen comrades.

Bring a Thief who can jack accessories and helms. This is a nice set of armlets.

Vieras will appreciate the new headband.

It takes guts to kick a news reporter when he's down.

[Parrhesia]

The next Hero Gaol mission. They went to Aisen and there was a battle. Here, the enemies all suck... seriously, there's a viera archer with a LONGBOW.

Pauline proves herself incapable of dodging, like, anything. 'S cool.

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

Higgins isn't very good at dodging and not being criticalled either.

man the extra defence human archers get sure didn't come in handy ever

Fencers: what viera think tanks are like.

Evidently this is the FE9 version. You know, with the whole 'no redeeming qualities' schtick.

You, on the other hand, will suffice.

Gukko is the Borzoi chief, a dual-wielding fighter. I'm going to obliterate him.

Benton's been kicking ass since the first Borzoi mission, and he ain't about to stop.

OH NO MY MP DAMAGE

Well to be fair that DOES take out Last Breath, but eh.

Earth Render attacks in a line.

ITS RANGE IS FOREVER

I like Nighthawk already. Fencers are fragile, so being able to hit at a range helps a lot.

Killed by a moogle's throwing knife. I think HUMILIATION needs to be announced now.

The Borzoi clanmates are quick to avenge their boss HAHAHA FUCK YOU ANGEL RING.

"CHICKENS, MAN. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THAT?! FUCK YOU, MAN."

Saving the Eluut Sands...

oh no i'm blind WELL FUCK YOU THIS HAD A 60% CHANCE TO HIT ANYWAY

oh jesus did someone REALLY tip him off to a crystal being somewhere

Here's Babus talking smack to us.

[spoiler=Babus is a custom class.]

This is the Runeseeker, Babus' custom class. It's like the Hermetic in being unreclassable, slow as hell and with incredible magic power; unlike the Hermetic it's worth a damn, and something of a bitch to find. They use maces, which are sorta okay weapons? Their attack is alright, but most of their damage comes from Explode, which does heavy fire damage. Stillness inflicts Stop in an area, Quarter and Demi are as the Time Mage skills, dealing percentile damage. Don't underestimate Babus.

Basically we pretty much just stumbled on each other, and Belf, being an idiot, casually mentions his interest in DESTROYING THE WORLD. Babus wants us dead. I want his stuff.

Stop bitching.

Also Babus is the coolest character in the game because when Belf forwards his 'everything is totes fake' theory Babus LAUGHS IN HIS FACE.

Barely useful status, go!

God guys you're in the way of me mugging your leader

One down. Randorf's a thief because he didn't have shield-stealing mastered.

No, Babus hasn't had the chance to move in between thefts. Randorf's purpose is now served, but I'm kind of on the warpath anyway, so I may as well kill a few enemies.

Or that, that works too.

I take out his Templars as well. The fight's basically over.

"I'M STILL RELEVANT!"

...

[spoiler=that landed for more than three damage]

ALCHEMIST

Alchemists are the same as sages, with differences I can't really be bothered to figure out. Marginally faster, too, with incredible resistance. Basically no attack or defence, though. Interesting thing about Alchemists; they get Item as a free command without having to select it as a secondary skillset. That's... really all there is to say about them.

Enough, let's get on with it.

But Babus isn't done.

...

Mewt, you don't deserve someone this awesome. He ports out, flipping the bird at Belf and doing multiple pelvic thrusts before dematerialising.

so like now there's a bounty on our heads

this is so retarded only like two of our guys fight well enough to resolve this battle

i guess one of the kids hulks out and benton has to slice off his knees or some shit

oh god why

I'm Australian, you fools, all I'll do is make a godawful soap opera out of you all

Pirates, meet Nelin. I'm sure this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Raw Steel: Killers, Anarchists, Shipwrights.

Also Monte failed at Golden Gil despite jumping at it... guess Eclipse was right. See y'all next time for some more RAW STEEL.

[nano]

Marlboro dead bodies look so cute.

Also Neighbours suck.

[Original Alear]

Meet Exdeath Famfrit.

That's not Exdeath that's Cloud of Darkness. This is Exdeath:

I don't remember if he's in FFTA.

[Parrhesia]

Right, let's do this-

The Thing: Noooo! Nobody can see me like this and live!

Ravel: Yes I did see you! Monster!

i really wish this wasn't actually the dialogue

This is totally not the right place to showcase control aah

This is our brilliant use of control. To make her use an ability on our blue mage. An offensive one.

This is why. Twister halves enemy HP, like Demi.

This chick was married to a human. Incidentally, after Lex became the second guy to break triple digits on our team after someone critted a particularly squishy guy in Clan Dip sometime, the fight basically devolved into chip damage; the beastmaster did 5 a swing, Randorf 9, Air Render 12 and punching about 17.

Oh hey isn't this familiar

Thane: HEY GUYS LOOK IT'S DRAGONS THIS IS A PERFECT TIME TO BRING ME AND I'LL TEACH LEX DRAGON FORCE AND IT'LL BE SICK COOL

Monte: You don't know shit about dragons. I'll fucking murder you if you take one more step nearer the fight.

Thane: ... ;.;

Behold, the fabled 'Muscle March' formation.

Glory be, Higgins finally has the 24 MP for haste!

...pffffffffffffffffffffffffff

STOP ONESHOTTING EVERYTHING.

After a protracted battle (translation: My bangaa get pounded and don't manage to kill anyone, although the blue WOULD be dead had I remembered to reequip Monte's Dragon Whisker) Benton finishes it alone.

Checkin' the rumours at the pub...

Huh, he really escaped? Well, Raw Steel can't be blamed for this in any way, considering we-

Wait a minute.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Whatever, we'll fuck up the Gullwings the same way we did for Borzoi. Bring it!

Lex's instructions were to 'grab the mail by any means necessary'. This isn't going to be theft, under HIS command. This is going to be aggravated assault.

GIVE US THE FUCKING MAIL.

okay so that didn't actually kill everyo-

WE WANT THE FUCKING MAIL.

The survivors of the twin dragon god blasts cower.

In fairness, these are pretty rough dudes by the standards of mailmen. Also this entire mission becomes about eight times better if you harness totema in its completion. In fact, now that we have totema that do damage and don't belong to moogles, we're going to spam them on missions that don't involve difficulty to speed them up.

They were all too willing to. Monte, blind, killed that soldier with a 5% bangaa cry.

Anyway, we get to place Baguba Port post-Addreamfiad thing we summoned, and in Baguba we meet Montblanc's loser brother, Nono. His airship was stolen by ruffians in the Jagd of Dorsa. Jagds don't have laws which makes them the best places ever, and the fact that you can die there is totally irrelevant. ... Oh, yeah. If you end a battle in the Jagds knocked out, you die. Minor hitch. Anyway, off to saving a dude's airship!

... you barely know the guy. He's just your annoying friend's annoying brother.

Whatever, let's just mug these losers. ... okay, seriously, this is a tough mission. The enemy are all fast and deadly, and you can't leave a man behind. I don't want to cheapen it with Totemaspam, either.

This is Montblanc's finest hour, striding into the southern Jagd to crush their barely-tamed beasts. I'm sure with his Firewheel Rod he'll be fine. When Belf called for volunteers to solo the south, Montblanc was first to step to the plate.

The Toughskin used Resonate, which inflicts Disable on certain guys over the whole battlefield based off of... something. Heath is basically free to murder things with his ludicrous damage. Turbo MP is a godsend.

The Hunter is simply ADDICTED to Aim: Vitals, which inflicts a random status. I think it can reduce you to a single hit point, too. In this case it seems to have disabled Belf. Belf was already disabled.

In addition to Turbo MP, Heath wears a Black Robe, which gives Fire/Lightning/Ice a bonus to effectiveness. Fire, Ice and Lightning are all he'll ever need, baby.

Unfortunately Turbo MP also doubles your mana cost for everything. Heath spends the rest of the map cowering in the north vaguely.

Are you joking? Lawless, man! I'll take permadeath in exchange for no laws any day of the week!

gon' get our kickin' rad genji armlets~

gon' get our second mirage vest~

gon' get our dark gear~

See? He got over it.

We'll get better units later. Like Cheney here. Cheney is pretty much objectively the best bowman in the game. And no, incidentally, Nono makes no mention of Montblanc's death. The scene is completely unchanged.

And that's an update. Hope to see y'all around next time!

Edited July 10, 2012 by Furetchen

[Integrity]

Nono makes no mention of Montblanc's death. The scene is completely unchanged.

Is Montblanc's death ever referenced again?

[nano]

Poor Montblanc... Helped a weary time traveler in need and welcomed him into his clan, only to be stabbed in the back and left for dead in the Jagd.

I hope you are happy.

[Bluedoom]

Awwww... poor Montblanc. I love them moogles. <3

Also Beatdown and going archer is awesome, srsly. And Far Fist. Especially when you've trained as a fighter. Same thing with Moogle Rush and Gunner, except you get a better range.

Also I dunno why but I've always thought Morpher/Sage were awesome classes for the Nu Mou, and honestly going Templar is good for Bangaas. You guys should totally get an Assasin , really. Makes the game so much easier. XD

[Parrhesia]

Is Montblanc's death ever referenced again?

Never really directly. Ezel tends to replace him in scenes from now on, I think, with slightly different dialogue.

Poor Montblanc... Helped a weary time traveler in need and welcomed him into his clan, only to be stabbed in the back and left for dead in the Jagd.

I hope you are happy.

Montblanc made certain that the INSANE GUY who wanted to SHATTER THE UNIVERSE had a launching pad to MURDER.

Awwww... poor Montblanc. I love them moogles. <3

Also Beatdown and going archer is awesome, srsly. And Far Fist. Especially when you've trained as a fighter. Same thing with Moogle Rush and Gunner, except you get a better range.

Also I dunno why but I've always thought Morpher/Sage were awesome classes for the Nu Mou, and honestly going Templar is good for Bangaas. You guys should totally get an Assasin , really. Makes the game so much easier. XD

Beatdown gets obsolete with dual-wielding. I like dual-wielding in this game. I'm assuming you mean archers because of concentration? And Pauline's been an assassin for ages, not like the game NEEDS to be made easier. I'm intentionally gimping my team's levels, not using a particularly optimal setup and even then the only thing to stand in my way is that potions are holy.

Morpher requires too much setup, Sage is sickeningly slow but is good apart from that. You just really, really don't want to start as a Sage. I'm going to be using someone who starts as a Sage.

[Parrhesia]

Fuck sidequests! Raw Steel knows about the bounty, alright... we also know about how you are COCKSUCKERS.

yeaaaaah that'll teach 'em

"Yeah. About five foot two, kinda pudgy, fucked up hair, answers to 'Mewt Randell'. He's kinda crazy, got some delusion about being the prince of Ivalice or some shit. Go get 'em, tiger."

This is the part at which Belf finally realises he's being talked about. Maybe. He's pretty slow sometimes.

Then they ask him his name and clan. HE ANSWERS HONESTLY.

he's like ramza except driven by blind stupidity instead of honour

"What could we possibly have done to make THIS happen?!"

I've suffered worse insults than this in my day.

You know you're doing well when the enemy takes out your mage before any of you can move.

Heath has 'Return Magic' as an R-ability. If you cast magic at Heath, HE WILL THROW IT BACK IN YOUR FACE.

Also note how the paladin raised his mage back u-

Nevermind.

Losers.

HOW DOES THIS SURPRISE YOU?!

...

No comment, let's just do this.

"The Palace is being bombarded with cases of any old mercenary showing up at their doorstep with a freshly murdered human corpse, and is seriously reconsidering their really fucking stupid policy on not actually identifying who the bounty is for."

... Also, if they didn't give a name, why did Clan Ox know we were the targets BASED ON OUR NAME?

"You mean this?"

um.

Nu Mou banter is the worst.

Also I don't like the way he says '... most interesting.' He seems to get aroused by Control. It scares me, but Lex demands I keep him around.

White Wind heals in an area for exactly as much HP as the caster has. It's awesome.

Now we can do this.

Right! Job's a good 'un.

Another place where you'd expect to see a required class. Hell, it's a carnival game; jugglers make more sense here than at a fucking marathon.

Sounds like a job for Monte. You know, the laconic guy who hates everyone and has a speech impediment.

did you know that when you get units back from prison they're stripped of their equipment

i seem to have forgotten this

anyway we beat Friend Trouble and OH GOD WHY

GADGETEER

Gadgeteers are the worst class in the game.

Okay, so think about it this way. Gadgeteers come right out of the box with bad movement, average (meaning 2 which is the lowest) jump, and abysmal speed on par with warriors. Their attack is pretty good, backed up by knuckles. Their defence is higher than defenders, but they don't get armour. Their HP is alright. So basically, what you have is a Moogle Warrior without armour or HP or attack and worse weapons with three movement.

Except there are a couple genuinely good warrior skills. What does the Pandora skillset have for us? A series of Target All spells. It casts Haste, Dispel, Poison, Blind, Cure, Doom, Sleep or Wall on an entire team. Half the time, it fizzles.

... Oh, wait, what was that? No, it doesn't fizzle. IT TARGETS THE OTHER TEAM. A FULL COIN FLIP OF THE TIME, YOU HAVE JUST HASTED THE ENEMY ALLOWING THEM TO TENDERISE YOUR DEATH SENTENCED PARTY.

Gadgeteers are the worst class in the game.

This is probably what's been riling up the beasts in Kudik. Also I like how the only way to describe Flore's occupation seems to translate to 'fat chick'.

Three thousand gil. You literally just offered me one at that price.

he wasn't offering us money

he was offering us slightly illegal goods

They're overlevelled, and all of them are ranged. I bring an all-melee team against them. Two gunners, two archers, two hunters... it's a bloodbath. Lex and Ravel drop almost instantly, but so do their archers and a hunter, and one of them disables Francheska.

Ultimately, we carve them up, but it's an almost close-run thing.

I have no idea how this solves the Ample Noblewoman's first-world problems in any way, but okay.

Anyway, see you all next time for the continued stumblings of Belf!

Edited July 11, 2012 by Furetchen