Let's Shatter: Final Fantasy Tactics Advance!

[Original Alear]

Poor Montblanc... Helped a weary time traveler in need and welcomed him into his clan, only to be stabbed in the back and left for dead in the Jagd.

I hope you are happy.

See look, Nano mentioned Montblanc's death, you DID change the scene!

[Integrity]

This is probably what's been riling up the beasts in Kudik. Also I like how the only way to describe Flore's occupation seems to translate to 'fat chick'.

I prefer to think of it as, ah, 'ample'. Y'know. Ample.

i mean tits

[Parrhesia]

Did you ever wonder if bangaa ever said 'Yipes!' in this game? Now you know.

My crew is Sabina (Shiva), Nelin (Ice Breath), Ravel (ice-elemental knuckles), Eldena (Doublecast Blizzard-Blizzard), Heath (Turbo robe-boosted Blizzara) and, uh... Muglio (badly needs the AP).

My introduction to Final Fantasy came with the tenth installment. This Shiva is disappointingly clothed by my standards.

bosh

DOUBLE KILL. (courtesy of Heath, who is rapidly rising to favour in the Raw Steel politicking)

bosh

bos- JESUS GOD.

FUCK.

CHRIST SHITTING TWAT.

Save The Queen (henceforth referred to as Enserric the Knightsword because of its stupid name) is holy elemental with absurd damage. It also ENHANCES holy. Nelin is notable for being INCREDIBLY STRONG ANYWAY. Jesus.

The sheer damage potential gave the bomb an orgasm.

I see Ravel buys into Belf's whole "LET'S SAVE EVERYONE BY DESTROYING THE UNIVERSE" theory.

Time to fuck shit up.

They have two mog knights. I have three murderers and Muglio.

This one's annoying because of Damage to MP, meaning someone has to chip down his regenerating five mana before, well...

That.

Holy Blade in action, folks.

... Falgabird?

That's what you're going with?

Seriously?

Well, okay, just don't go bitching to me when I snap them in half.

Let's bail out Nono finally.

Playin' it smooth.

Is Sabina so fast because she isn't encumbered by having shoulders?

The ninja, Chaka, gets the first turn, charges blindly into my ranks, gets blinded and pounded on until near death, White Winded back to full health, and then smacked back down to earth before his second turn.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Get out.

Then they wreck my mages. This obviously has to be solved VERY QUICKLY.

OH HEY NELIN'S DEAD NOW THANKS DOUBLECAST fuck

SCREW THIS.

Everyone's alive thanks to Phoenix Tails... barely. We need some healing, desperately.

And now that everyone's alive? Reduce them now to their most harmless member (and even the gunner's a bitch, he's just a support unit with dumb AI like silencing Nelin which only robs him of Bangaa Cry) and keep throwing attacks at his crazy evade until something sticks.

Fuck me, Nono, you aren't worth the effort

Also you're just gonna haul his corpse up onto the counter? STYLISH.

Higgins beats the record for damage with his stylish 162. Cheer increases the next attack's damage, he's using a very powerful spear and it gives him Weapon Attack + as a support ability, which he has equipped.

oh no a ... falgabird

With Mog Knight minions no less! They're... shit. One of them has blizzard which dealt a mighty eleven damage to Sabina, one of them is dead, and... the last has steal weapon. SHIT. FUCK. FUCK.

Thank you, haste.

Thank you, Reflex.

Incidentally, that southeastern mog knight dodges everything (first enemy to dodge a Last Breath in the entire playthrough, and I've been spamming the shit out of that move) and then hits a 17%.

...Best move.

Muglio's learning dual wield! This lets him look like he's doing quadruple digit damage! The Nosada, which teaches it, is incredibly weak.

Offscreen, doing the Gabbana mission that Eclipse covered earlier, Francheska deals 220 damage criticalling a frog.

Meanwhile, in the Golden Clock which she also covered...

You know how the only problem with Raw Steel is some of its elements are a little slow? Yeah. Thanks, Camus the Gadgeteer!

When he's alone and drunk in a bar after closing hours, Belf mutters to himself about crystals. Benton and Eldena laugh at him behind his backs.

Ezel walks in and loudly announces our respective bounties. Nobody does anything. These are some really apathetic mercs... that or they know we'd fuck 'em up hardcore.

Entering Muscadet reveals that a judge thinks this guy is a member of Raw Steel! That's ... that's slanderous! We'd never employ an animist!

Turns out the guy thinks he's Montblanc. ... Ouch, man. That must hurt to be on the receiving end of.

Belf of course responds to this intelligently-

oh for christ's sake

[Parrhesia]

They have seven, so we have five. Then again, two of ours have reraise, so... Belf has to come, Lex turns people into frogs (and desperately needs a better sabre), Randorf steals all the kickin' rad armour (genji armour and two carabineer mails), Benton murders everything and Higgins hastes Randorf before murdering everything.

Jugglers can toss Smiles. Which quickens people, giving them the next turn. In this case, it means Higgins can haste Randorf.

EXTREME VIOLENCE.

Now the Mog Knight is naked...

Bad Breath is the best status skill. It throws about eight statuses at you, each at the same flat chance to hit. Sleeping Poison Frog alone is almost always fatal.

AAAAAAAAAAH

THE FROG LICKED HIGGINS' SHINS

Conrad kills my moogle again, but Randorf can rest easy; his duties are complete.

GET OUT.

Another victory for armour!

Normal combo?

THINK AGAIN BITCH

...

what.

But this battle isn't over yet, folks, oh no! After an incredibly long and gruelling cutscene, we're introduced to the third crystal, which is weak as shit. And now we have to duel Babus. Fuck.

How are we going to beat him?

We aren't. We're going to run around squashing fruits. (they have like 35 hp and no defence, Belf's offence with the Onion Sword is really, really shit.)

Babus has three ways of inflicting damage. His attack is weak, and Belf's defences are strong; so's his evade. His Time Magic demi/quarter get reflected back onto him. Belf's Flame Shield absorbs his Explode.

OH NO ZERO DAMAGE

... jesus, really? REALLY, Belf? I know I picked a really crappy sword for the sake of evasion, but...

yeah uh

that won't end well

So we actually oneshot a fruit instead.

... His mace is fire, too.

Babus literally cannot harm us. We absorb his mace. We absorb Explode. We reflect his time magic.

On the downside, I chose the Onion Sword for its evasion, which is now rendered moot. I basically gave Belf approximately negative offensive potential for no reason.

Fuck me.

He does no damage to us and... we're back. God this fight is boring.

I kill Babus to pass the time. Hey, it means I can stop deploying Belf ever; this overlevelling should keep for a while.

HE RAN OUT OF MP. He is literally sitting on his ass waiting for death. This is humiliating.

I am not exaggerating when I say the only way he could have won would have been to use his fists instead of his hella bitchin' Lotus Rod. Spam Stillness, punch until daybreak. Might even have worked.

Cid is confronted by Losercid. Mewt then turns to him and starts criticising him. Mewt genuinely thinks his judgement of life choices is worth more than Losercid, who, despite the name, is pretty cool by my book.

He's getting off lucky. Babus is literally Mewt's teddy bear.

I like to imagine Babus would totally kill me right now, but has finally realised he is literally incapable of harm. Cid also realises that Queen Remedi should be dead.

YES!

wait, the laws only get stricter from now

FUCK!

I really hope Eclipse covered a lot more than I can be bothered to screenshot. But in any case, Belf basically FUCK YOU SEE THE TRUTHed Cid.

... Belf has a lot of parallels with the Deegan, but I really, really hope it doesn't devolve into rape and death fetishes as quickly. Is Montblanc the demoncat in this analogy?

(if any of you unironically like that shitstain of a webcomic I will laugh at you until I start crying and slitting my wrists)

Cid even says, in a screenshot I was stupid and fastforwarded through, "you have opened my eyes to the truth."

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

aaaaaaaaaaah

Gossip Trio! :D

Also that animist is in enemy colours, clearly that thief is gonna fuck him up

I think this is at or around the point that they introduce three laws per battle. So, uh, no.

Dammit Cheney I love you but it isn't that hard

ONE LAW GOOD, THREE LAWS BAD

...

And I guess by extension ONE LAW GOOD, NO LAWS BETTER but you can't really have both and retain the thinly veiled reference

more like thinly failed reference

mewt you are a fucking failure let's get back to interesting things

OH GOD IT'S THE HOT QUEEN WHO HAS REDDISH HAIR IN HER PORTRAIT BUT IS BLONDE ON THE SPRITE

the human white mage has the same thing, actually

Llednar will serve as Cid's 'replacement'. I hope this doesn't mean replacement father. Llednar is basically Darkworld Mewt; his name's even backwards for Mewt Randell, giving him his incredibly stupid name. 'Twem'? Really?

The Big Find is the next story mission and it has something to do with prospecting near the new swaTARGET BOW

Oh yes.

Target Bows give Concentrate to archers. Concentrate gives 50% accuracy to everything.

Let's list my people who want Concentrate;

Belf wants it because it'll make his straight-up hitting more accurate, and Monkey Grip's kinda meh. Unfortunately for Belf, I have cruelly decreed him to be a full soldier, so he isn't getting it.

Lex wants it to make his melee better and to make Bad Breath basically an instant kill.

Pauline wants it to make her melee and archery better and to make her instant kill a confirmed instant kill.

Benton wants it; I can't honestly be bothered to get Double Sword, and he's at the stage of tanking where Weapon Defence Up is mostly irrelevant. If tanking needs to happen, Nelin can take it, and he's better at it anyway with Aura.

Randorf and Lini want it, although they'll need to wait for a Longbarrel and they'll have to be gunners in the interim, which is bad because of their terrible growths. They'll be Save X fodder.

Francheska wants it because she's cooler than Belf and is allowed out of Fencer for brief spells. She gets first go at the target bow.

It'd even be really good for Eldena and Sabina, but they have Magic Power Up and Half MP in their base classes, which are about as useful. The Bangaa really want it but can't get it, and Muglio's learning dual-wielding, which is the best support in the game instead of merely the second-best.

And with that settled, see you next time, folks.

[Celice]

Dunno if the laws bother you enough, but I recently stumbled on a patch that will remove them from the battles, I think. In case that sounds nice:

http://ffhacktics.com/smf/index.php?topic=8620.0

[Parrhesia]

. . .

Celice. We've had our differences in the past. But I think I'm going to have to love you forever now.

[Parrhesia]

Hello lads and welcome to FLAN BREAKOU-

If I hadn't missed that Shiva at 70%, I'd have killed them all before any of them would've had a turn. As it stood, Mamaflan's Thundaga would've dealt 150 damage to Muglio... had it, you know, hit.

This guy rolled high enough magic for me to break my own set team and use yet another fucking bangaa.

Dispatch time! Eldena, make some guy some gruel with a chocobo egg in it. Higgins, kill Death.

Who the fuck do you think you are, Gerik?

Holy shit there are a lot of dispatches.

On our way to do them all we stumble across the Gaja Band, who are good men in good classes with good skills and piss-poor equipment. Nothing to be worried about, although the ninja knows dual-wield he can't really do much with it.

This mission is very important. You remember Elda's Cup? Remember how Eldena's murdering everything? Know how Lini would destroy everything in his path if I deployed him, like, ever?

Cheney is better than either of them. He's recruited with the Snake Shield, same as the Cup. This is where we get the Snake Shield from.

Three laws. And they're outlawing blanket things like any colour magic, and the fucking FIGHT command. Disgraceful.

Now the monks can kick the shit out of their enemies in peace. Ravel's now learning Earth Render, which I think I mentioned briefly earlier. It's on the weak side, though.

Alright, going through various dispatches, learning abilities, clearing New Fiel-

HELLO THERE CHENEY.

HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY.

Cheney appears to have less attack than usual, which is offset by HOLY FUCK 144 SPEED

Cristine chose the wrong time to try and join up. We have an archer. We are not interested.

Yes, Cheney actually has to go archer, I want him to get Cupid and Concentrate. Cheney, as an archer, with a medium-low power bow, has the highest attack of anyone in my party besides cheating-through-dual-wield Muglio. Jesus god christ fuck.

This update ends here. I don't think it needs to go any further. Well, no, I lie. Given that I'll never be using any of these shitstains, I may as well introduce the hitherto unmentioned Morpher class. They need five beastmaster abilities and are useless without the hunter skill Capture, which lets you capture monsters on sickeningly low HP with sickeningly low chances of success that I think not even Concentrate affects. This will give them... a weapon, and a tiny skillset copied from said monster. Ugh.

[spoiler=I dont like them very much]

MORPHER

You need to capture an enemy to so much as EQUIP these idiots with a weapon, and what then? You have like three fucking monster abilities, good fucking luck with that! Jesus christ, nu mou are stupid and ugly and terrible. This is their pathetic excuse for an expert melee job?! THIS is what you've slogged through forever in beastmaster for!?!

On the plus side, they look pretty cool. They're also the fastest of the nu mou... matching viera archers for speed. Fucking hell, nu mou...

Edited July 15, 2012 by Furetchen

[Integrity]

Three laws. And they're outlawing blanket things like any colour magic, and the fucking FIGHT command. Disgraceful.

uh dude they're recommending any color magic can you even read

[Parrhesia]

Yeah, but if they recommend something it means they sometimes ban it as well. Colour Magic is no exception.

It's also, like, the only law that cockblocks Doublecast.

[Celice]

Did laws also sometimes ban what they recommend too? I haven't played the game in years--but I just remember how bitchy the law restriction was :/

[Silvercrow]

Did laws also sometimes ban what they recommend too? I haven't played the game in years--but I just remember how bitchy the law restriction was :/

I don't recall this ever being an issue unless you use your own Law cards, although I have no idea what kind of sadist would add more laws unless you're fighting the second Totema or something.

[Parrhesia]

They don't ban what they recommend in the same fight :p but if it can appear as recommended it can appear under banned as well.

[Klokinator]

I never had an urge to replay this until I started reading this LP, and goddamn now I want to replay it. I think I'll do either a Human only or Bangaa only run, maybe a 50/50, not sure yet.

I might look up some balance patches too, see if they repair some of the shitty classes.

Edit: oh. http://ffhacktics.com/smf/index.php?topic=8970.0

Edited July 16, 2012 by Klokitty

[eclipse]

Due to imgur account restrictions (and PayPal things which I'd rather not do), will be using photobucket for the remainder of this.

Hello there Lodion. I'm sure with a description like that, you're gonna be something to remember!

My entire clan is giggling at the get-up.

This is how a Bangaa facepalms.

This is why he's facepalming.

Let's introduce Dragonheart. It's a great reaction skill that Dragoons learn. . .as long as it's YOUR Dragoon, and not the opponent's one. Otherwise, you'll have to figure out how to get rid of the constant Reraises (it'll respawn every single time he's hit, and it is as dumb as it sounds).

See?

Illusionists can hit the entire field. . .if you count hitting like a feather as a hit.

This is worse than a roach infestation.

One way to deal with Dragonheart is to petrify the offender. This is yet another reason why Viera rock!

Ingg is bored, and wishes to do better things with his time.

Actually, we knocked him unconscious, then shipped him off to a nunnery, where he'd fit right in.

---

I have no idea what you ate for breakfast, but you are most definitely welcome to join my army!

And with that, applications to Clan Pacemaker are closed! I'll probably kick someone out in favor of Shara. Maybe.

---

Yes, yes, the local Hawaii resident in me takes pity.

Aren't we glad FE7 didn't star Lucius?

This guy doesn't know how to do introductions.

He's probably talking about his fly.

"Hey, the water here is crystal clear!"

"I have to destroy the water!"

That line would sound way cooler if the speaker smelled like an old man instead of a little boy.

OHAI THERE INTRODUCTION!

No, Cid, keep quiet! Let this tool do my work for me!

By "Omega" he means "my new Power Rangers toy"

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Dude, you're in charge of hiring and firing in Clan Pacemaker. Now's not the time to wimp out!

. . .never mind. What happens is that you'll automatically deal 0 damage to Llendar. In return, you can start stripping him naked. I ran off with his armor and helm.

Says the guy who's wearing nothing but shoes.

If Cid goes back to the real world half this badass, this entire game would be worth it.

THIS is what the human representative is?!

Shut up Serra.

Shut up Nino.

Shut up Erk, and do something about your hair.

Your point? Better that than the insides of Erk's dreams.

Dude, you're forgetting the lisp~!

If this isn't strong, then Babus must be a grade A wimp.

ITT: Contradiction

Mateus (the totema, not the David Bowie clone) brought along a hoard of undead. Bring white mages, and make sure that you're allowed to use them!

Downside to white mages is that their damage output is questionable.

In the end, Lucius slaps Mateus silly for doing such horrible impressions of everyone.

And all was not lost~!

I didn't see a bill posted in the pub or anything.

"Red-headed Queen Remedi. Battle-ready red-headed Queen Remedi. Etc."

Sew faces on them yoursel--fine, I'll send my doublecaster to set them all on fire. ;/

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I will cut you to pieces!"

"Ingg, this is why Jocie's delivering the poem and you are here."

"Curses."

Stage? Douglas the Juggler's on it!

[Parrhesia]

Yes, fellow LPers, Mateus as a self-defence mechanism sends out... an illusory Belfius THAT COMPLIMENTS HIS PHYSICAL COUNTERPART AND TELLS HIM THAT, YES, HE CAN TOTALLY BREAK OUT OF THE WORLD, STARTING OFF BY KILLING MATEUS.

Gently caress.

Edited July 16, 2012 by Furetchen

[bobflac]

Morphers are actually even more tedious than that. If you feed those monsters a TON of stuff, the morpher powers up. You can max out those Flans' special attack and just devastate everything in your path with standard Fire and Ice spells. 400+ Damage FTW. But it costs like, thousands and thousands of dollars.

[Parrhesia]

Get in there my son!

I don't really have to grind AP that much anymore. Lini to concentrate (I just got the longbarrel~), Muglio to dual wield, Cheney to gtfo of archer forever. We win Save Eluut taking literally no damage.

Searching for AP... Lini finally goes gunner and does that gunner-only dispatch I've been ignoring. Meanwhile, we encounter the Koringwood Band!

White Mage, Monk, Bishop, Archer, Animist? Mo' like Koringwood BLAND!

...

They can't all be winners. And that applies to clans, too; Koringwood Bland have some nice abilities, but their equipment's shit.

Heath knows Thundaga now. It's boosted by Turbo MP (which I forgot also boosts accuracy), as well as two pieces of equipment (I don't think it stacks). This animist dies in one shot.

Let's see if I don't fuck up the whole 'mage' thing again.

Gee willikers, gang, it looks like that wacky Clan Dip has us cornered in Jagd Dorsa!! Is there any way out for our her-

we just murdered five people

We really do a ton of missions in these last two updates, they're just, like, all clan battles, save Xs and dispatches.

On the way to The Big Find, we accidentally hit Clan Clatz-

HELLO.

A'IGHT.

Thank you, Pauline.

*bonk*

wait, that's weird. None of my steals have any chance of worki-

YOU WHORE.

We kill him and the rest of his crew. Clan Clatz are that guy, an animist, a pretty great time mage (well, he knows stop and slow), a gadgeteer with like everything and a pretty good juggler.

Somewhere in the interim, Lini learns Concentrate without having gained a single gunner level. Time to kick ass; all he needs now is 60 MP so he can ultima freely. Muglio, meanwhile? Dual-wielding fighter. Can hit 300 attack if he so desires.

Oh. These idiots have been laying a trap for me in The Big Find quest update mission thing. Sucks for them, I've been ignoring that shit for like four years now. Damn right I'm late.

"Don't worry, man, I'm sure they didn't spend that time in the offscreen-from-the-LP equivalent of a training montage."

THIEVES!!!

The next short conversation when Belf walks in confirms they've been waiting for us. Also, despite Cid pardoning us and letting us free, THERE IS STILL A BOUNTY ON OUR HEADS.

NOT EVEN AN OVERSIGHT.

This motherfucker has steal weapon and no maintenance. He's going to be humiliated.

Now Cheney is a hunter. He has a medium-low power GREATbow instead of a medium-low power shortbow. The world is afraid.

... But Augusto isn't, and decks him out at three-range.

I get the slight feeling this is going to end badly.

I'm right.

This is the only ability I will ever need to steal. Randorf can now begin stealing the entire game.

My duties done, I turn Thenardi into a monument to my victory.

The bodycount rises...

Strikeback's nasty, and it meant Muglio couldn't straight out deck the guy, and as a result lost.

The counter abilities are as follows;

COUNTER will counter any physical attack made against you.

BONECRUSHER will counter with vastly increased power, but the attack needs to connect.

STRIKEBACK parries any basic attack made at 1-range, and you counter back. By far the most finicky, but it can be nasty.

REFLEX, to compare, will just dodge any basic attack full stop, but you don't get a counter.

We stole Thenardi's memories. And then turned him into a statue, forever.

MISSION SUCCESSFUL GUYS

And then he walks away.

Showcasing Counter; Francheska (in the process of almost getting concentrate) tried to shoot the soldier, but didn't quite make the shot; instead hitting Randorf (in the process of ALSO getting concentrate). Randorf's Counter triggered and he shot Francheska in the face. Then he levelled up. *facepalm*

this motherfucker right here

He has that much defence. And Weapon Defence Up. And decent evade. And two hundred hitpoints. He's like what Belf fantasises himself to be.

Nelin using either the best or second-best broadsword in the game; 36 damage.

Lex using a terrible sabre I really want to replace; 5 damage.

You know how awesome Damage > MP is? I've just discovered it's shit if you, y'know, actually use MP. Like, to my surprise, Lex actually really relies on. Bad Breath would down this sucker in a heartbeat.

Pretty bad move, but eh, good for a laugh.

WAS IT WORTH THE HUMAN COST

(yes)

Then it's another poacher-fragging mission. Notice the laws in place. Notice the two rather prominent enemies in the north there.

The other enemies are a beastmaster with a ring I could kinda use I guess, a hunter with a bow I want, and... two boxes.

FIRE ARROWS INTO THE BOXES

Aim Vitals likes to simulate dealing 115 damage sometimes. I hate it when that happens.

Heath knows one healing spell. That spell is Curaga, which heals all three of these men for over their maximum HP. Nice.

This is the part where it turns out I don't win by breaking the boxes. I have to flee.

Fuck FFTA's law system.

But hey, it turns out they spawn again in a couple days. So... we kill them. Again.

Redwings?! In MY Baguba Port?!!? Disgraceful.

This is totally just them trying to con us into beating up Clan Dip out of spite.

It's gonna work.

It's pretty obvious Gunner Randorf's my most steampunk guy, so he gets to invent the gaslamp or whatever.

Continuing up from the last poacher mission, we're flushing the last of 'em out!

Nelin knows what's up.

Their hunters get the first moves and bombard us with sonic booms. Then the thief smiles this hunter, who... hits Cheney with a 22% Beatdown. Taking him out. MOTHERFUCKER.

These poachers would take me in an even fight, but it's not gonna be that easy! I have the powers of the HUD! They ... don't know Randorf counters their shots.

I don't think Bonecrusher does this, and I'm pretty certain Strikeback can't.

This is a real bloodbath.

You were a worthy opponent, my friend.

Despite their best efforts to keep us under lockdown with disable, we finally kill their archer and their Damage > MP thief.

Slow melee really is obsolete in these kinds of fights. Nelin must have spent his entire dirt nap thinking of that one-liner.

[Parrhesia]

Fucking Magus Sisters. Let's free Baguba, lads, make an end of it.

Sometimes a shortbow's arcing just isn't enough.

This is Sidewinder.

It does double damage to monsters.

Unlike Ultima Shot, it needs no MP instead of, well, sixty.

I guess they thought the normal practice of having the enemy corpse stand up to deliver its last words would just be stupid here, so they decided to let a dead snake deliver the line instead. Much more sensible.

Now they're just making excuses.

It's a shame when my friends cameo in my LPs to the extent of 'namesake arrives, has awful durability, Cheney shits on her, leaves crying'.

I'm sure some pussy will claim that using two swords is cheating. Nevertheless, Muglio is attending.

We're helping a tourism board. Or taking a vacation. Or something. For now, this involves killing flan.

Yep. We're on holiday. To win our holiday, we must defeat all enemies.

Brilliant.

Clan Marble 'likes a good clean fight', and I intend to give them one, starting with PURGING THEM WITH FIRE.

Higgins likes their idea of a good, clean fight.

Just a good, clean fight.

I got the Manganese as Lex was learning concentrate. It's not perfect, but it's decently powerful, and now it's backed up with concentrate. Other things backed up by concentrate: Halving HP in an area, reversing HP and MP totals, TURNING PEOPLE INTO SLEEPING POISONED FROGS.

Another of the Redwing idiots is here to save the day...

Yeah, sure.

That's his trump card.

This is mine.

Looks like you just got restored to the EARTH, Lich!

...

Because you're the Falgabird of EARTH!

... ...

This is why I'm unemployed.

As if karma struck me down for my puns, I walk in to fight this guy. With Damage to Animals forbidden.

However, I THINK I can circumvent it.

You go, Nol.

Inflict poison. Wait.

APPROXIMATELY FOREVER LATER...

FUCKING. FINALLY.

I had to bite a yellow card for that bad breath, but it was that or someone'd get red.

Now onto the last Falgab-

Nevermind.

Now it's a bunch of dispatches needing seven battles in all. Most of these are clan wars and save wherevers, while I slowly grind towards EVERYONE HAS CONCENTRATE status.

Desert Rose introduces us to Concentrate Cheney. This is terrifying. Belf and Benton are the last two that need concentrate. Really, Cheney and the concentrate brigade are the only people who actually need skills.

We're here to give a guy a vase for his flowers.

What do you mean, 'How the fuck was I meant to know that'?

Hey let's do this Desert Patrol mission that's been hanging around forever-

Oh, hey cripple.

'k bye

YOU TWO-TIMING SON OF A-

YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE ME ON?! MOTHERFUCKERRRRR

We bring our best. There are seven of them and five of us... remember Magic Wood? Yeah, no.

Then again, in magic wood they had two THIEVES that murdered everyone. Here they have... soldiers.

90% chance. She has enough MP now to use this twice a battle, by the way, back to back.

Yeah, that's nasty on top of 95% accuracy. Belf's using the sword we got from freeing that fat kid a long time ago.

Nice. (It ends up doing 186.)

Cheney is kinda fragile, though, but we avenge him in the end.

It's all good. You guys are honestly a really cool clan.

And the defender leaves peacefully, having just revealed all. Which is to say nothing, as Raiden isn't a complete idiot and didn't give him a name or anything.

The 'place region' thing has you with a hovering region (here the Delia Dunes) over a map. We just dropped an entire desert on Clan Belmia. Suckersssss

They want revenge!

Belmia's a great clan in composition (Thief, Ninja, Assassin, Sniper, Gunner; the ninja dual-wields) weighed down by shitty equipment, like this Zanmato.

See, all it does is teach this crap- HOLY SHIT

YOU ARE NOT VERY NICE

Heath must be so right now

aw yeah

And with that, I am done for the night. Join me next time for a fuckton more of this!

Edited July 17, 2012 by Furetchen

[Parrhesia]

Challengers, eh? We fit the bill, I'm sure. Let's go.

We also pick up the final redwings quest.

So into Delia for Challengers.

No. No, we very much are not.

Although when we steal your sword and armour? Yeah, I guess then we're contenders.

And for this...

Best sword in the game, people. Although that IS 'sword', as in 'not knightsword'. Broadswords get the most damaging weapons, though, Eclipse and Estreledge are both in the seventies.

Belf now has three hundred and six attack.

The next Hero Gaol quest has us facing the world wyrm, who has mistaken Muglio for that other dual-wielding fighter, Gaol himself!

Monte has been waiting for this moment.

Cheney is now at full power. Almost 300 attack, 7-range, chucking sidewinders around like nobody's business. An all-monster map is a playground to him.

Poor bastard had an ultima and a sidewinder dropped on him before he could move. THE WYRM HAS TURNED, GERLAND!

...

did i really just make that pun

Summons are my kind of magic.

Well I guess we'll have to make do with one of them, three Ultimas, a Doublecaster, Cheney's seven-range, Last Breath, fucking everyone having concentrate, Bad Breath, Ice Breath, Sidewinder, Wyrmslayer, an unfair amount of two Angel Rings and the Chirijiraden.

HUP. HELLO.

The leader of the Redwings, reduced to his last four men.

IDK man, rather a mission item than fighting Cheney.

Now I have a very simple plan for this map.

Step One: Cheney casts Boost. His next attack will do an ungodly amount of damage.

Step Two: Throw a Smile his way.

Step Three:

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, can you give me the fucking blade, please?

I smile the enemy defender to get him out of the way. Then it turns out I can't simply Exorcise the guy, making the whole thing pointless. So you know what I gotta do?

UNHEAL THAT SON OF A BITCH.

Oh, trust me, I'd dearly have loved to do the same.

Ayvuir Red has 62 power and 10 defence. It rests in Lini's hands because Muglio's powerful enough already.

We can find a dictionary in the rubble. For some reason we need one.

One of our idiots is going to spend a month in deep research to come up with an answer like "Probably the perpetual mist".

And with that the Redwing chain is-

FUCKING HELL.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN TO GIVE UP.

Also our enemies are two assassins called Celia and Redy, lead by the templar Silverlock. Christ.

The bangaa clang into each other while I mug Rede of her Masamune, Genji Shield and Genji Armlets.

Mage or not, Air Render will always be useful.

They're more laughable than your murderous capering, juggler.

As our reward we get the gratitude of the people of Muscadet. And this helmet, which is, in a word, bitchin', and in two words, hella bitchin'.

NO.

I'm going to pretend she's talking about local civilians.

ICE BURN!

Then she summons a giant tree that scatters leaves everywhere and drains MP.

Curing sleep.

This can't be good.

Nelin is in his element; Expert Guard means he can't take damage until his next turn, and all the lamia did was DELAY his next turn. He also has re-raise and regen.

Pauline was one-shot :/

The Lamia just keeps chewing on the literally invincible Nelin while the magi wail on her. It works.

The Eclipse broadsword is godlike. Nelin wants it so, so much.

I want to do THIS so, so much.

YES!

GAHAHAHAHAH

And now, it's plot time.

Oh, Belf...

It's the same mission Eclipse covered, so I'll cut to the chase.

It feels dirty, but we accidentally walked in here with Knightswords down, crippling Twem and probably fucking up HAHAHAHAHHAA NINETY NINE FUCKING SPEED?!!? SERIOUSLY!? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU

Ultimately, I can only jack his armour, and my attempt to grab Angel Whisper fails. The time limit is fucking tiny, seriously.

And in Mateus' chamber...

He comes across a familiar face...

and music strikes up from the side...

Edited July 18, 2012 by Furetchen

[Parrhesia]

Did they send me daughters

When I asked for sons?

You're the saddest bunch I ever met

But you can bet before we're through

Mister, I'll make a man out of you

Tranquil as a forest

But on fire within

Once you find your center,

You are sure to win!

You're a spineless

pale

pathetic lot

And you haven't got a clue

Somehow I'll make a man out of you

"I'm never gonna catch my breath..."

"Or say good-bye to those who knew me!"

"Boy, was I a fool in school for cutting gym."

"This guy's got 'em scared to death!"

"Hope he doesn't see right through me..."

"Now I really wish that I knew how to swim... !"

Be a man!

We must be swift as the coursing river

Be a man!

With all the force of a great typhoon

Be a man!

With all the strength of a raging fire

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!

Time is racing toward us

till the Huns arrive

Heed my every order

And you might survive

You're unsuited for the rage of war

So pack up, go home, you're through

How could I make a man out of you?

Be a man!

We must be swift as the Coursing river

Be a man!

With all the force of a great typhoon

Be a man!

With all the strength of a raging fire

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!

[Parrhesia]

The montage completed, Belf now knows that he has what it takes!

FUCK YOU.

DON'T FUCK WITH HUMANS.

"... Anytime now. ... Yup. Just gotta wait for the world to explode. I'm sure I will survive this."

"Well, better get onto killing pretty much everyone in the entire world. Including the rest of my clan. Fuck."

Cheney's feeling chatty.

Mewt has;

+ Resurrected the dead

+ Turned his bullies into fucking undead

+ Declared an annual holiday in which everyone shows up and gives him presents.

"Well, chief, we don't actually know anything. But when you find the bastard, sure, we'll dismember him all you want."

... God damn it, Ritz.

...

When I went into the Wanderers I loaded a 'state. TIME TO KILL MATEUS AGAIN.

I do get his armour again. Nothing really changes.

Hush, Lini! These look like good, innocent citizens.

GOOD MORROW KIND SIaaaaaarghh fuck fuck fuck

Piss this.

Lini, we oneshot all three of them. That isn't 'finally'.

Stop drooling in anticipation, Monte, it's rather undignified.

okay let's not let her get oneshot next time

... um. Nobody? Ever?

WE'RE HERE TO FIGHT YOUR MONSTER.

... oh. Okay. If you're gonna give me that I am very okay with this.

Almighty kills every law in place. Unfortunately, it's now useless, because Ritz running most of Ivalice away from me means WE ARE IN A JAGD.

... Well, so much for Cheney.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

"Throw fire at it forever" works much better.

"... out with me on a couple dates?"

oh god why

Delia is warning me of an attack coming from Roda headed towards Baguba, and they've... mired themselves in Jagd Ahli. Fuck me.

They're on the wrong side of Ivalice for that, mate.

... Why not? :|

"Hey, chief."

"Yeah?"

"Every time we try and take back Lutia, they bring some kind of giant god thing."

"Yeah."

"So why... do we keep... doing it... ?"

Nothing stops me from taking a mage there.

"It's a double negative! Get 'im!"

Motherfucker thinks he can hit Higgins?!

Motherfucker... is right. Damn!

And I'll be using it, too. Not for the dispatch mission that needs it, not yet.

This man is the reason why. Equipped with a common blade, headband and gauntlets, that's THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FOUR ATTACK.

No more escort mission bullshit, let's EXPLODE THE MAP.

Dunno, Eldena, but it's too bloody many.

. . .

FUCK MY LIFE.

DIE IN MOISTURE.

YOU ARE A STATUE NOW.

WHY THE FUCK WOULD WE EVER INFLICT THIS ON OURSELVES?!!?

EZEL. HELP A BROTHER OUT-

go fuck yourself, Ezel.

[Dr. Tarrasque]

Dmg2: Animal is the best law ever because it's the only one that seems to show up at the best time. Skills/Techniques is an instant classic.for Fighters.

Edited July 18, 2012 by Sirius

[Scarlet]

WHY THE FUCK WOULD WE EVER INFLICT THIS ON OURSELVES?!!?

To earn some easy extra JP when there aren't any monsters around, I guess, as this also adds "Recommended: Status", and status effects can be inflicted by just about anyone.

[nano]

Epic montage is epic.

[Parrhesia]

Spoiler: Next update Dmg2Animal cockblocks me again. I SWEAR I AM NOT FUDGING THESE.