Let's Shatter: Final Fantasy Tactics Advance!

[eclipse]

Then here's another factoid: You're MORE LIKELY, but not GUARANTEED to succeed when you see someone jumping. There's a small chance of failure, as I found out on an early dispatch mission.

[Scarlet]

... Uh.

Nothing happens as a result of this. Fire forbidding equipment of that element must be a sequel thing. FUCK! I've just gypped Ravel out of free AP AND a better weapon!

Actually, it does ban weapon attacks of that element... ...but only if you actively start them. As far as I'm aware, attacks caused by Counter (or any similar ability, say, Bonecrusher) can break any number of laws without receiving any punishment.

[Parrhesia]

... Well, that was a regular attack and not a counter. Not only that, but Ravel was merrily clawing off faces with his own Rising Sun all throughout the Cheetahs, where Fire was banned again.

Maybe the R. Sun just wasn't coded right or something?

[Samias]

Weapons with elemental attributes are usable even when their element is "illegal". However, if the weapon itself is illegal, you'll get carded if you use it at all, even with counterattacks. I guess the game doesn't check weapon element the same way it checks elements attached to skills.

[Parrhesia]

EPIC SEGUE it's another reason why air render is the best WHICH RELATES TO THE NEXT UPDATE

Hello, store chick. This is probably where I find out I bought too many gauntlets.

... Yep. Bought too many gauntlets. 1. Air Render. 2. That power is higher than anything else we have right now. Ergo, I NEED THE FUCKING KAISER KNUCKLES.

Looks like I've run out of jobs, so The Cheetahs it is; the next story battle!

This is probably the bangaa equivalent of cheap gin. It raises our defence and resistance quite significantly... not that we're gonna be needing it.

It's Ritz's clan, and they appear to be fighting Clan Pacemaker over turf!

Then again, I don't think her clan would ever be able to afford such a bodacious hat.

Ritz: If we did, we wouldn't be much of a clan, would we?

The green chick steps forward.

Ritz: Shara? What is it?

Shara: Someone's here, Ritz.

Totally Not Belf: Ritz!?

what a twist

nobody could've predicted that

Ritz: Belf?

Shara: You know him?

Ritz: He's from the other world...

Belf: They're not your friends, are they?

(He means the Cheetahs, which is a well-known nickname for the hated Pacemaker.)

Ritz: Nah, just a bunch of bandits living around here. Don't worry, Belf. We'll take care of them.

Belf: I'll help! I came here to get them, too.

Deployment begins! I bring the bangaa, who are behind on JP, and Pauline, who's behind on levels.

Shara and Ritz. Shara is basically Ritz's much cooler Montblanc, just as Ritz is so much cooler than Belf. She helps her get set up and eventually Ritz makes her own clan, with Shara as her right hand. She upgrades to sniper, eventually, and Ritz goes through every single rapier-wielding viera job. Yes, she uses viera jobs despite being human.

Anyway, battle lines are drawn, and Ritz's Reflex skill means all basic attacks miss her. Mid-battle, she strikes up a conversation about how she never expected Belf to join a clan.

Belf: ...

Ritz: You've changed here too, haven't you? I know I have!

The conversation leaves off there. Ritz is pretty much as decisive as ever, I'm sure you've noticed. A more subtle detail? Notice her hair colour.

The Black Mage tries to avenge his former leader by centring a lightning bolt on his corpse. It misses Pauline. It misses Belf. It misses Shara.

He pays for his failures with his life. Bosh!

Vasil has Counter, Air Render and, most importantly, gauntlets. A bangaa after my own heart.

It... really does seem like the wrong man died here.

When the battle is over...

Ritz: It's funny for you to be worried about me, Belf. Thanks, though. You were a big help.

... It pains me to admit Ritz could probably have taken them two on five.

Belf: My name's Belf. Pleased to meet you.

Ritz: Like I said before, he's a friend from the other world.

Belf: Speaking of worlds, do you know what this place is?

Ritz: I thought you of all people would have figured it out! This is "Final Fantasy", the game... but it's real! At first, I thought I had really fallen into the game... but this is our town, St. Ivalice!

Did I mention this world is called Ivalice? This world is called Ivalice.

Ritz: It's like our whole town has become part of this game!

Belf: How could it have happened?

Ritz: I'm trying not to think about it.

Belf: Huh?

Ritz: There doesn't seem to be much point.

Belf: Why not?

And there's the rub. Belf is going to spend the entire game pulling people out of their dream world, CRUSHING what is for many people a utopia, what is never fully established isn't a real world in and of itself...

Ritz: It's like Shara says. Why go back?

Belf: What? You mean you'd rather stay here?!

that does tend to be what 'she doesn't want to go back' means, yes

Ritz: Yeah, I like this world. Don't you, Belf?

Belf: Well, I...

Ritz: If you want to turn everything back to normal... go ahead. But don't expect me to help you. ... Let's go, Shara.

Belf: Ritz!

Ritz: I'm sure we'll meet again, Belf. 'Bye for now. ... I... am glad we met. Really.

And with that, they leave. Why don't we get to play as them again?

And with that, we get to put a desert on the map... the Eluut Sands.

For placing locations in certain orders, you get things. Things like these Gysahl Greens, which are a low-grade mission item gained from a recurrent quest.

Enter Sprohm, and it's cutscene time!

Belf offers the hooker an insultingly low sum of money (gotta save for those Knuckles man), and both her and her pimp walk out in disgust.

Belf stares at the kettle while thinking longingly of the two palette swapped chicks from the snowball fight who didn't say anything... tight sweaters drenched in snow... I MEAN UH

Belf is nothing if not smooth.

This resulting conversation is nothing but Montblanc tempting Belf still further. Wealth, power, glory, women with big tiTHIS GAME IS RATED E FOR EVERYBODYcrushes on cute girls...

Anyway, onto dispatches. This is what we need the Ancient Medal for. When Pauline returns from this, Guin offers to join our clan! He's a nu mou black mage! I reject him.

That dispatch gave us homework, so now I can give this guy some notes. Pauline ventures forth.

Oh... 'kay? Ravel can probably punch rocks into submission. When he returns, it's with a moogle black mage. ... Yeah, he's turned away as well.

... I can't help but feel a little guilty.

This is Clan Marble, I think it's the Giza Plains clan. They're... pretty terrible.

Swallowtail seems to do full damage, unlike whirlwind. It's quite nice, as a result. Both of these enemies died, as Francheska is simply ungodly right now.

SUPERB NEWS; with that fight and with Pauline's second dispatch, we now have a new unit received! He's Stuart the Beastmaster! I kick him out!

More importantly, Pauline and Nelin master what they were learning.

Pauline gets to the final stage of the fencing jobs that I need, Elementalist. As for Nelin...

Jackpot.

DEFENDER

Look at that. Look at the above image and reconcile yourself with the fact that that towering bastion of destruction known literally as 'the Defender' has a defence stat a full half-point worse than the fucking moogle juggler. They are also inferior in this regard to templars, mog knights and gadgeteers. They can't use shields, either. Now that that's over with, what a defender WILL provide you with is a fuckton of HP, Attack, Defence and sp- oh. Yeah. Speed. Right. Still faster than paladins, though! They're basically paladins with an offense to speak of, a skill that auto-lifes and -regens them, a couple other cool ones, the FFTA equivalent of Rest and the ability to use broadswords. Oh, and they look like the above. That's a big, important thing.

GLADIATOR

See, these bastards are interesting. They use mostly Fighter skills, but instead of the most useful of them (the ones that entail having range), they get Fire/Bolt/Ice Sword, which I believe slightly increases damage along with adding an elemental ability to the attack. They also get an Ultima. A good statspread, better than fighters, but I still don't like their skills as much; they use the same equipment, too. We'll be using one, but not yet.

DRAGOON

You win some, you lose some; Dragoons have the best attack in the game, good HP and defence, and fighter-level speed. Their skillset is great, having a reaction that makes them nigh-unkillable, they equip armour, garden-variety swords and spears (although they can only jump with spears), and have not only their signature jump but a series of breath attacks as well. They also have an ability called Wyrmkiller and a draining attack that's pretty sweet as well. It feels nice to have a skillset where every ability is great, huh-

Oh, right. Wyrmtamer. Fuck you, 'attempt to remove from battlefield' abilities.

ELEMENTALIST

A cool class that I don't use enough. Elementalists, despite their below-average speed, merely pretty good magic and three movement, are honestly a good class. Two of their spells heal, one using the earth element, one with fire. Then they have five attack spells which only hit a single space in return for possibly causing status. This includes the rare Wind, Dark, Earth and Water. ... And fire a second time. Then there's Elementalshift, which shifts the target's resistances, and having never used it I don't know how it works. I keep it on my red mage, usually, as it's a very nice secondary to have around when you need one of those rare resistances hit, or when you don't want to hit an area.

I send Pauline and Nelin off to do five-day dispatches (Pauline doesn't want to stay in Elementalist long, Nelin's 10 AP off of mastering exorcise, and that's, like, doing anything), and guess who they bring back?

I have no idea why you spawned with so much speed, but I sure as hell intend to keep you in the main team. Welcome aboard, Sabina.

Edited July 3, 2012 by Furetchen

[nano]

This resulting conversation is nothing but Montblanc tempting Belf still further. Wealth, power, glory, women with big tiTHIS GAME IS RATED E FOR EVERYBODYcrushes on cute girls...

Why is it that every human and bangaa in the game are male and vieras female? And the only female human is a viera too!

Oh and there are Nu Mou and Moogles too, though they tend to be a bit more indistinguishable in gender. I think their names imply that they are all-male too.

[Samias]

I think the humans are androgynous enough that I could look at some of them and think of them as female. On the mage side, anyway. The human white mage in particular could pass off as a female if you get any gender neutral names. However, there are no explicitly female names among the humans which is just weird and paladins and fighters are most definitely male.

Nu mou and moogles could also be gender neutral but it's unlikely. You can also see some NPCs who are females of other races, and you do run into female monsters in the story. You just can't play as any definitively female characters except the viera and Ritz.

[Scarlet]

Weapons with elemental attributes are usable even when their element is "illegal". However, if the weapon itself is illegal, you'll get carded if you use it at all, even with counterattacks. I guess the game doesn't check weapon element the same way it checks elements attached to skills.

D'oh. Was the "Counter isn't punished" behaviour in FFTA2, then? I'm sure I remember something along those lines.

@Update: Sabina. That speed. Holy crap.

Do you intend to make use of the insanely broken combo that is Summoner + Red Magic (for Doublecast)?

(Well, it's not as broken as it is in FFTA2 with HP Magic, but it's still pretty damn good.)

[Parrhesia]

D'oh. Was the "Counter isn't punished" behaviour in FFTA2, then? I'm sure I remember something along those lines.

I think so. FFTA2 was good about things like that.

@Update: Sabina. That speed. Holy crap.

Do you intend to make use of the insanely broken combo that is Summoner + Red Magic (for Doublecast)?

(Well, it's not as broken as it is in FFTA2 with HP Magic, but it's still pretty damn good.)

Sabina will be a summoner, but I'm giving her Elementalist secondary because I kinda think of doublecast as being Eldena's thing. And because I like Elementalism.

[Iris]

I'm definitely enjoying this, please see it through to the end~! :D

[IGdood]

Ah, this game. Felt so slow and awkward compared to it's cousin, A2.

I never played the original FFT, so I can't comment.

Mewt's acts like a bitch sometimes, but so does Marche. Sometimes.

Iunno. MEH.

[eclipse]

Several things~!

WHITE FLOWERS

The Giza Plains are home to many plants and just as many monster battles. Spiders don't like blasty mages. The end.

See?

WATCHING YOU

Yeah, you're paranoid.

So you get a terrible unit to investigate. White Flowers was done to pass the time.

STARING EYES

Can we use the bombs from last time? PLEEEEASE? No? Jerks.

The mission above gives out the item to unlock this mission. Whee.

It seems that Lucius has been mistaken for a girl. Along with the beefy Bangaa dude with him. Only one answer to this, folks!

Let's introduce Silver Cannon. It's a gun that does damage and blinds people. Blind is a great status effect, as long as it's not on you.

Blind guys get cool shades.

Blinded units have a harder time dodging.

What is it with Nu Mou and terrible lines involving eyes?

Picked him up after some mission or other. He reminds me from Neku from TWEWY, so in he goes!

Look at what Thenardi brought back~!

[Parrhesia]

Earlier I was bemoaning my luck with would-be Raw Steelers joining up.

This White-Mage-who-isn't-Sabina was probably the best of the rabble, including a fencer who wasn't Francheska, a human archer whose strength and defence both failed to break double digits, and some other chucklefucks I've already forgotten about.

Then I got Monte.

This is Monte. Say hello, Monte!

I WILL MAKE YOU BLEED, HUMAN.

Monte's a little ... shy. He'll get over it.

But no, Monte actually came to me as a dragoon! And that's remarkable! Usually people that join off of basic missions arrive at basic classes, and while a warrior or white monk would have been okay for the dragoon I planned to have, a dragoon is, obviously, easily preferable. He's learning jump right now. That attack stat is him with his /worst spear/.

Pauline has classed back to Archer, having dipped into elementalist and plucked from it all the knowledge she needs to succeed. She has 137 attack. By comparison, Fran has 152 which her weapon boosts considerably (the Flyssa is Wind-elemental AND boosts Wind-elemental, a powerful combination), Belf and Monte have 170, Nelin has 179, Benton 176 and Ravel 169. Ravel and Fran are also faster than she is. Pauline is... basically like Rebecca right now, and if you hadn't noticed everyone else is pretty much Marcus.

Speaking of Ravel and units that don't suck, Ravel has unlocked two more classes with acquiring two monk abilities.

BISHOP

They are the best mage that the bangaa have access to! This is because they are the only mage that the bangaa have access to. They do everything, and they do it... pretty badly, to tell the truth. I will be using one because I'm evidently fucking retarded; also it's one of those cool classes I've never used before and want to at least try. Also, they're slow as hell.

TEMPLAR

These fuckers are more like mage knights, with all the tools necessary to fuck up the enemy something harsh. Mostly that just entails their knightsword or spear of choice, I've never really found much actual use for their skillset, but their 3 movement and four-way tie for worst speed in the game is a royal pain in the ass.

We now have all seven of the bangaa classes. Our units are like level four through six by now. Jesus.

Full update arrives tomorrow!

[Parrhesia]

Unbeknowst to you lot (and I swear unbeknowst is a word, whatever my autocorrect tells me), we were about to take out a man who no man would ever fear.

They call him the Dread Raven.

And he is simply fabulous.

Leven (how did they fuck this translation up) wants revenge on us for our part in Borzoi's humiliations at Sprohm and Cyril, and he's brought backup. Yuwain's brought Thunder and Thundara, and his S-ability is Geomancy, which brings everyone's resistances to his abilities down a level. Most people will be treated as now being extra-vulnerable to his blasts, and thunder-absorbant Benton will only be immune, not healed.

I open the fight by casting Protect with Sabina, who is now just under halfway to reaching summoner. Positive statuses have a 100% chance to hit in FFTA.

As for the rest of my men; Ravel has Air Render and is really fast. Nelin's attack is really high, he has very good defence and now he's protected as well. Also his Support ability, which he's learning through the Diamond Armour he wears, is called 'Weapon Def+'. Guess what it does...?

Benton doesn't have as much defence as Nelin (well, it's two higher but he doesn't have the support ability), but he has Air Render and the mage cannot touch him.

HE TOUCHES THE REST PRETTY BADLY THOUGH OUCH FUCK CHRIST KILL HIM DIE FUCK

Defence makes him, by this stage, basically invincible for a turn. He doesn't really need it, though, not with Raven out of range.

The major threat is gone, and with Sabina healing Nelin he's still got most of his health left.

Leven the Raven has Counter, so it's best to toss Air Renders at him; Benton also does four more damage with them.

Ravel was legitimately in more danger duelling the chicken thief.

Particularly if I succeeded at this... but I'd rather just hit him.

See? Nelin's hits get results. also shut up your name's totally leven and that definitely isn't a mistranslation

ICE BURN

The Bangaa have the best quotes, so always deploy them first in sidequests if you aren't deploying Belf (who gets priority). Then they'll get to say shit, instead of your other, possibly nu mou, scrubs.

When I return to Cyril, new items are in stock. Notably;

Far Fist is weaker than Air Render, but it's at four-range and it targets an area.

Defenders can cast Aura to give themselves Reraise and Regen. It's also very, very powerful.

To join the Fire and Ice Lances and their Fire and Ice Breaths, which deal damage in a T-shape from the caster, the Dragon Whisker teaches Bangaa Cry, which is non-elemental and does a bit more damage. Very powerful, too.

This is the most important, though; when something hits you, smack them back.

I buy two brigandines, and after selling a bunch of crap can afford a Lohengrin as well.

I need more money and JP. Beating up Clan Dip is always the way to victory.

Marche is a thief learning Counter, Sabina is a Fencer to unlock elementalist, and Nelin is a dragoon learning some ranged attacks. Here Marche is going to absorb that spear shot, but probably avoid it like an idiot.

Ice Breath in action.

"Do not think your weak flourishes impress me, rabbit giHRGKH"

THIS HAPPENS EVENTUALLY

This means that there is a pathetically easy fight going down at Giza, which rewards us with 80 AP at the end; far higher than normal (usually 40 or 50). If you don't address it, you lose the region and have to redo the dispatch or battle or whatever. Also Sabina is now an elementalist.

NEXT UPDATE: We see what shit is going down in Giza, and we go looking for a legendary moogle or some shit!

[nano]

I think it's unbeknownst with an n.

Anyway an interesting LP so far. Kinda made me want to play FFTA again.

[Parrhesia]

I tried unbeknownst too, but it rejects that as well :<

Time to save Giza.

You know, Missile is actually forbidden this map, but these give buckets of AP and I want Pauline out of Archer, stat.

Besides, Pauline's equally skilled with deplorable at magic AND archery. A bowshot will deal ... 15.

But hey, I always did prefer ice to fire.

Chocobo Rush is this Animist's best spell. It deals damage in a line that goes on forever, but mostly it just looks funny. It dealt six damage to Nelin, and nineteen to Belf.

Finally. The home stretch of Pauline's long journey into becoming a decent unit. Hell, she's probably not shit anymore, just because of Sniper being a really good class.

SNIPER

Snipers are very, very nice to have around. The upgrade to archers, they're very fast, use greatbows and have... a mediocre skillset. They can destroy armour and weapons (very rarely, to my recollection), Doubleshot is two shots for half damage each (situationally rather nice) and Beso Toxico is an otherwise normal attack with a chance to poison tacked on. I approve of it heartily. Better than hunters against humans, worse against monsters, and they don't get Ultima.

With the purchase of a Cranequin teaching her the aforementioned Beso Toxico, Pauline's attack hits a mighty 146! ... With Gauntlets.

Finally onto Village Hunt, where we're looking for a moogle's epic crib or something.

Being an archery class is nice because you don't have to move much, so your turns come faster, often giving the impression of actual speed. Pauline is actually about to kill this goblin!!

This battle is only really notable because it's the debut of Dash Boots, which just flat-out buff your movement by one. I stick 'em on my 3 move guys. Then when I have more money I stick 'em on the rest.

The moogle village is never expanded upon, by the way.

Time to continue the main quest, I guess... Next update! These ... really are getting shorter and shorter.

[TheHeroGaol]

Damn you Furet, now i have to forego my homework and play this again.

Because obviously this game is more important.

Anyways I love this, you better finish it. Or i shall smite you with the Ayvuir Red and Blue.

[eclipse]

While Furet's stuck in the desert, I'm off rounding up ruffians. Specifically, these two:

CLAN ROUNDUP

Well, someone went rogue, and it's our job to smack them down.

Do not tick off the Bangaa.

It's a sad day when Montblanc thinks you're not worthy of his magic.

Douglas, being the Moogle gentleman he is, refuses to hit a lady. Instead, he robs her blind.

Ingg has no such inhibitions.

The Judge wouldn't let me, I tried!

A CHALLENGE

"We're peacemakers, not some sort of ham reject!"

ALWAYS check the laws before entering battle, or you'll end up with this. This wound up being worse for Baham, because of:

Featherblow

Poison Claw

Whirlwind

Blindshot

Montblanc is a bloody troll.

YOU BASTARDS PICKED THE WRONG BANGAA TO MESS WITH!

Black mages squish easily.

I think Ingg was having too much fun with the law.

You ticked off a White Monk with Air Render, silly.

[Venusaur]

No Cinqueda (Has Steal Weapon, get by grinding to 30 Negotiation, courtesy of Race Wanted)? No Steal Weapon (Steal from a thief in Wanted! Diaghilev Godeye)? No early Chill Rod (steal from Gelato until he equips it)?

C'mon, don't call it a "Let's Shatter" unless you're going to ruthlessly break the game in half (figuratively) while it's screaming at you to stop. And then you don't stop. Ever.

I mean, you guys are doing pretty good so far (I hope you kill off Montblanc eventually), but I was hoping that Belf would rip skills right out of the enemies' brains. And that an Assassin will eventually make it into one of your guys' parties.

Don't let all the negativity throw you off though, I do still enjoy this LP, and I hope that it chugs on all the way to the end!

Oh yeah, another tidbit: the shops are based upon how many battles you've fought. Nothing else. So, by abusing this, you can have Heaven's Clouds and other such high tier shop weapons available before the third story mission!

[Parrhesia]

No Cinqueda (Has Steal Weapon, get by grinding to 30 Negotiation, courtesy of Race Wanted)? No Steal Weapon (Steal from a thief in Wanted! Diaghilev Godeye)? No early Chill Rod (steal from Gelato until he equips it)?

c'mon i didn't want to rip off OrangeFluffySheep THAT blatantly

Oh yeah, another tidbit: the shops are based upon how many battles you've fought. Nothing else. So, by abusing this, you can have Heaven's Clouds and other such high tier shop weapons available before the third story mission!

Huh, really? Fuck that, though. We're still poor!

Let's get into the thick of it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=PmTnfNtohpU&NR=1

The laws are insignificant to me, so I bring only the strongest. And Pauline, who is still badly underlevelled.

Now an elementalist, Sabina can destroy flans pretty easily. Elementalism is nice because it gives the rare damage types, like water, that can be really useful sometimes. Unfortunately, she misses, and Pauline who still has Spirit Magic for some ungodly reason can only do 22 damage.

HAHA I WILL AIR RENDER YOU wait you were on that cliff a second ago FUCK

Oh hey, that's right, I forgot, RAVEL WILL FUCK YOU UP.

The effect of arcs; with an bow, there are some shots you simply cannot make. This cliff goes on approximately forever, and ten times out of ten Pauline will shoot into it.

Beso Toxico, on the other hand, doesn't use an arrow in the animation at all; the arrow doesn't have to fail to arc on anything, so you can hit anything in range regardless of cover. Abilities like this are nice to have around.

OMG FORESHADOWING

no seriously this could pass for a generic mission

Montblanc: Geez... We get jobs like this every once in a while.

No shit, Montblanc, it's literally 'kill the infestation of ferals,' it's standard fare for Raw Steel by now.

Belf: I wonder what causes it?

THE NEED FOR RAW STEEL TO GAIN EXP REGULARLY.

Montblanc: There are a number of theories, bro. I for one believe the crystal theory.

Belf: Crystal?

Montblanc: They say the palace made these magical crystals, mate! With magic so strong it affects the animals.

Belf: So you think a crystal is nearby?

Montblanc: I don't know, mate, it might just be a rumour after all. How could you make anything in a wrinkle in space?

Montblanc, you just said you believed the theory. You idiot.

They walk off, until Belf turns around...

And his crystal fetish begins.

I'm not sure how we can help, but it pays good money... Nelin, away!

Obviously this demands the attention of our best man imbued with the necessary grace and tact. And that man shall be Monte.

The seemingly insurmountable challenge of 'a rock'. Francheska, I know you're illiterate, but get the damn book anyway.

Belf: Benton, I have a task that requires the greatest mental stamina and fortitude. You are to liberate the region of Lutia Pass within a month, do we understand each other.

Benton: My blade is yours! Now tell me, what infidel do I smite?

Belf: ... I don't think you understand me. Read this.

Benton: ... So like, do I murder the rival franchises? Who do I kill? I don't get it.

Belf: Just put up the fucking flyers, Benton.

We will be able to start this mission in about half the game.

Sabina: He's way out of your league. Like seriously, he's got so many other options, all better than you, and he's also cheating on you. With a man. Who is also a bangaa. Does this guy even know you think he's your boyfriend?

Next time on Raw Steel: We make good progress.

[eclipse]

Making another post just for this mission because it'll make the post above nearly unreadable.

Here's what happens after the desert. Lovely, isn't it?

Famous last words the first.

In reality, a fly had bitten Lucius in a place I'd rather not describe.

NOOOO! The game is breaking in two!!

Game?

You heard nothing.

Meet Lucius. More verbose and less useful than Lyn.

What are you mumbling about?

A chick that's manlier than you.

Yep, and if you break it, Vanille will mistake you for Hope and give you a BIG kiss~!

This world was created because Lucius didn't do his summer reading.

There's a 40% naked chick in there, I swear!

FF13 wasn't this bad with crystals!

Dude, learn your name origins.

I knew this room was big, but I didn't think it would echo this badly.

"Now stop putting me, light, and profane in the same sentence."

Etiquette is one of Lucius' priorities. Clearly.

Meet Exdeath Famfrit.

You ARE standing there, questioning the nature of this crystal. Easy mistake and all.

YOU ARE STATING THE OBVIOUS.

In another universe, Yoda facepalms.

What do you do when surrounded by enemies whose most prominent feature is a gigantic eyeball? You make sure said eyeball doesn't work.

Otherwise they'll do it to you. Mind you, this is as accurate as Gilbert gets, and not only did he land this hit, he critted. Gilbert doesn't like being blind!

Famfrit has a nasty beam attack (OHKO'd Thenardi the Status Healer), Lightspeed (5% hit rate when attacking my ninja from the front while blind), and Demi. You kind of want Demi, as it's one of those attacks that isn't instantly fatal.

Ingg decides that he's had enough.

You should've asked this, like, before the fight.

POSSIBLE THINGS THAT THIS COULD BE ABOUT: Flowers, underwear, cars, gummi beans.

CORRECT ANSWER: Gummi beans. Ever see what happens when one gets into an engine?

BEHOLD THE POWER OF WHITE GUMMI BEANS!

Weren't we talking about a crystal earlier?

In this world, you are invisible to most. You must find a partner, and complete the mission in seven days, or--ahem, I was distracted.

Lucius would be the worst Pokemon trainer ever.

Once that mission is completed, moogles can summon their Totema. Consider it a one-time field nuke that requires max JP, IIRC. I don't remember using them much.

[Scarlet]

Once that mission is completed, moogles can summon their Totema. Consider it a one-time field nuke that requires max JP, IIRC. I don't remember using them much.

The ones that actually do HP damage are really good, though. It's like Illusionists on crack, or more accurately, pretty much an "I win this mission" button if there are no particularly tough enemy scrubs present.

Unless you're underleveled, I guess.

[Parrhesia]

I usually use them for SAVE WHEREVER missions.

"WE ARE CLAN DIP, AND YOUR DOMINION OVER THE PASS SHALL NOT LONG oh jesus what the fuck is thaaaaaat-"

[Parrhesia]

Anyway, I start off by doing what Eclipse has covered. Like A Challenge! which is the Clan Baham thing. Your title does change, by the way, to 'Baham Faction [Clan]'. But I would rather beat his ass down, so I do that.

Eager to test his new Firewheel Rod, Montblanc seeks out the enemy leader, Mintz!

Fuck you, Montblanc.

Fortunately, the enemy is even worse at picking their fights than Montblanc. The result here is predictable.

Belf is in thief purely for Counter, but I REALLY want those thief armlets and he just happens to have the right knife equipped...

I seriously swear Belf having the Jambiya was coincidence. It is literally my only knife.

Ravel and Pauline line up to mostly kill him, he air blasts both, killing Pauline but letting Ravel critkill him on the Counter. I love Counter.

This man is going to be a mage. I'm deadly serious.

Blue Soldiers on the map are quest-relevant clans, not necessarily friendly ones. Mintz showed up as one, too.

yes

i have paid 600 gil to seek you out with a band of armed warriors and then pay you 3000 gil

Fuck you, Clan Crow.

Interesting fact; that black mage's name is Crowe.

They begin the fight by ineffectually raining me with projectile damage. Even though that archer has charm, which would at least force me to hit myself.

Lex is wondering what he's doing here without a sword.

The heavily injured White Mage hits Ravel with a staff. This works about as well as the last one.

The rest of Clan Crow goes down really, really easily, and I get;

someone whose destiny lies in magic. No, really!

Sabina returns with another fucking nu mou black mage. I reject him.

Twisted Flow comes and goes. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUqCPtNAdYY

Belf calls this formation 'Chicks vs. Dicks'. He is very proud of it.

Nelin hit the 200 attack mark with the Dragon Whisker, and as a result he is basically god.

... You motherfucker.

Francheska's ... maybe a bit fragile.

This is with Attack Down?!

gg monte

Surprisingly, Famfrit just does 19 back. His melee is pretty shit.

Nelin, you legend. MVP for sure, although Sabina comes close for Slowing the beast.

Mewt sure does love his first-world problems.

Brat: Papa...

Cid: Babus came running into my room just now. (or something)

Brat: Babus...

Cid: Did something happen?

Brat: Papa...

jesus christ

Brat: I just remembered something horrible! All the kids at school were throwing snowballs at me... and one of the snowballs had a rock in it!

Mewt is like if Tommen and Joffrey Baratheon had a baby, I swear. I've never seen someone this egotistical with this little actual self-confidence.

Brat: Everyone listens to whatever I say. My word is... law. This is my country! Nobody picks on me!

I kinda have to admire Belf for shattering Mewt's dreams of being good at anything.

oh yeah in this reality mewt's mother is alive

HE TRADED THE LIVES OF COLIN, LYLE AND GUINNESS FOR THIS CHICK

To be fair she's kinda hot

I'll take that trade

Remedi: To our people, I am Queen Remedi, but always remember... to you, I am your mother, and I love you very much. And your papa is the highest judge in the land! That means that all the judges will protect you.

No. Oh, god, no, please, don't, I, why did we-

WELL MAY WE SAY GOD SAVE THE QUEEN

FOR NOTHING CAN SAVE THE JUDGEMASTER GENERAL

Remedi: One of the crystals has been destroyed.

Cid: What?!? Are you certain? ... I see. There will surely be no complaints about stronger laws, then.

YES THERE WILL

FUCK YOU

Remedi: I leave it in your hands, Judge Cid.

Cid: As you wish.

Brat: Mama...

There's a quick cutscene I cbf to get through; basically Belf decides he needs to destroy the world by killing every crystal.

Then you get to place Cadoan, which eventually I do.

Someone: I can't believe they strengthened the laws again...

Belf goes to investigate and finds;

The gossip trio, the coolest cats in all Ivalice! These three serve as exposition through the ENTIRE GAME. If you'll allow me to indulge my personal headcanon on these guys, all three will eventually join me..

Cheney: I swear the queen takes pleasure in watching us squirm!

Quin: Hey, hey, watch what you're saying! You never know who could be listening...

The Only Cool Nu Mou: Hah! Pretty soon, laws will be nothing but a bad memory!

Basically the nu mou anarchist claims to know of a man who sells 'antilaws', which nullify laws. Very bad foreshadowing happens that he is TOTALLY NOT EZEL BERBIER THE ANTILAW GUY HIMSELF. The next actual mission starts if we re-enter Cadoan, which I will probably do... by accident.

Anyway, I'll see you next time and hopefully with a meatier update.

[Parrhesia]

Worthy of note; this update has exactly fifty images. As a result, one class goes unintroduced for now :p

Soundtrack!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXg67_XbLJQ

I timed these screens very badly, but when Belf wanders through Cadoan in the middle of the night, he sees Ezel Berbier chased by ruffians!

...

PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LOOK AT THAT FUCKING HAT

Crout: Why don't you just turn yourself in quietly?

Ezel: No, I've never been good at sitting in one place for long.

He jumps down to meet with us-

Oh dear.

He follows this statement up with the word 'genius'. In quotation marks. OH GOD, SARCASM! IT BURNS!

Ezel: Well, these things happen. Life wouldn't be any fun if you always won!

Crout: Seize him! And feel free to break whatever you want! Just keep his head in one piece!

Ezel: Please, take it easy on me! I'm a sensitive man, you know!

There have been several points throughout this LP at which I have hinted that Belf just might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer.

This group of foes would normally be pretty tough, and includes several classes we haven't seen before.

Ezel, for his part, has a custom class. It is the second-worst class in the game. His only good stats are Magic Power and Resistance, and he can't actually leverage that Magic Power. At all. He can't reclass, either. He's stuck to spamming Azoth and prodding people with maces even worse than Pauline used to fight. Fortunately, Azoth will trivialise this fight.

NINJA

The opposite of the paladin, although oddly their OA doesn't have them dual wielding (an exclusive skill to the Ninja) whereas the paladins... do? Anyway, I maintain the paladins pull off the turban thing way better. Their HP is pathetic, but their attack is good and their speed is astonishingly high. Oddly, their magic is good, too. Unfortunately, the Veils that make up their skillset are really weak chip with occasional debuffs attached. However, they can learn dual-wielding, which is frankly amazing. A good class even without their signature ability.

ILLUSIONIST

One of the few classes that one could really highlight as being 'bad'. Say what you will about Soldiers, they can take a fucking hit and they dish 'em right back. All Illusionists are good for is feebly chipping everyone on the field at once. Oh, and they are pathetically slow (Nu Mou are tied for slowest class in the whole game, Humans are barely faster than Paladins) with awful HP/Defence and you know how mages don't really care about attack well let's be honest illusionists are awful at that as well. Avoid at all costs, although half MP can be kinda neat.

HUNTER

Arguably the best archers in the game, certainly in my opinion. Hunters are fast (almost as fast as thieves), strong (strength matches soldiers), and have full movement. Their ability set is very strong, and works well against humanoids as well as monsters. They get the Ultima Shot, the human Ultima attack, and with the Sidewinder ability can do double damage to monsters. Sonic Boom is Far Fist but dependent on weapon and thus better. Their other abilities are... mostly useless, but these three are the solid core of Hunting, and they will serve you well. Slightly inferior statistically to snipers with better stats; use whoever you prefer. I favour hunters, but usually have one of each.

HERMETIC

The second-worst class in the game, and Ezel cannot reclass at /all/. It has two skills, the admittedly blatantly overpowered Azoth we'll see in a few moments, and Astra, which makes the next status to target a guy miss. Which would be an interesting psychological experiment on a human opponent; I mean, would you throw something you knew would be a dud just so your NEXT statuses would hit? I guess that's what Beso Toxico is for, to casually dispel/use up that Astra. Or something. Ezel cannot actually attack barring his mace, which he backs up with three movement, an awful attack power and pathetic speed.

This defender has 200 defence already. He is also slow as balls. If Sliprain goes off, well... he's pretty much gone for the rest of the fight.

Sliprain goes off.

OH DAMN THAT SMARTS. At least Ezel has Block Arrows, so the Hunter's useless against him, and the Ninja's useless at range in general. You have to get to Ezel quickly, though.

On Belf's first turn;

Belf: So you were Ezel all along.

Ezel: Ah, well, I guess the moogle's out of the bag.

Belf: Who are these guys? Why are they after you?

Ezel: Just a little misunderstanding about a job... I ask for 100,000 gil, and they call me a gouger!

Belf: 100,000 gil?!

Ezel: Yup. That's all it takes to make laws go away... pretty cheap, really.

Belf: ...

Ezel casts his signature spell; Azoth. It puts every enemy to sleep. Literally only the hunter dodges.

Crout wakes up. Briefly. He is literally down before taking a turn, and the defender's the same.

Nurse is an AoE first aid. I have no idea why it helps Ezel so little.

This was the Hunter using Sonic Boom. Fuck you, Hunter.

Air Render cares not for range, and Monte cares not for desperate pleas for mercy.

This deals ten damage. Air Render, had Benton hit him on either of two 70s, would deal fifty. It ends up being Monte who impales him twice.

When the fighting is done;

Belf: Are you alright?

then;

Ezel: I am Ezel Berbier, at your service.

Belf: Yes, yes, I know who you are.

Fucking finally.

Belf: I'm Belf.

Ezel: Had I more time, I'd love to thank you more properly... but as it is, I must be off!

Belf: Someone else after you?

Ezel: Something like that. It's hard when everyone thinks of you as a genius.

Gossip bros?! :D

Ezel: ... They only say that because they are jealous! This, too, is a burden we geniuses must bear.

Oh. D:

Ezel: The Judgemaster himself! I'm honoured.

Belf: Huh? Mewt's dad is the Judgemaster?

Cid: Might I ask you to come with me? I'd like to hear more about these antilaws of yours.

Ezel: I must respectfully decline. Sorry, but judges rub me the wrong way!

i guess you could say

that ezel forced his hand

Ezel: Ah, an advanced law! Only the Judgemaster cna use those. If I use any ability at all, it's the slammer for me! I'm practically shaking in my boots!

Cid: Ah, I'm glad you are familiar with advanced laws. Saves me the trouble of explaining them to you.[/i]

"I am uncertain why you felt the need to tell me about them, but I am certain the blond kid appreciates the exposition."

Cid: And I do so dislike violence.

Belf: Ezel!

Ezel: Behold, the antilaw!

There's a flash of light, and the duo are gone. The rest of Raw Steel are probably already in the pub.

I guess now we all know who believed in the heart of the cards more. Cid calls off his men.

JESUS BELF HE FUCKING TOLD YOU IT WAS DIRECTLY

WHAT ELSE COULD "BEHOLD THE ANTILAW" POSSIBLY MEAN

YOU LIMP-COCKED PILLOCK

The rest of this conversation is boring; basically Ezel will now sell antilaws to us! But now that they start dropping off of basic missions, we'll likely never need the service.

I have no idea how the unearthly fuck Nelin will help him with this, but it'll make him get Bangaa Cry.

This mission gives us the Elda's Cup. I WANT the Elda's Cup.

ok

I get the Elda's Cup. I use Elda's Cup on a run of Chocobo Help. Chocobo Help is completed.

She wants to join me now.

well her stats are alright a bit on the slow side but

JESUS FUCKING GOD

yess

Time for a trial fight! Clan Dip, you just stepped into a world of hurt. Note how Clan Dip blows already. Archers are chipping my thief. The viera, with a better weapon and attack growth, dealt TWO to Nelin. Except she missed.

okay blind is pretty crippling in TA

That said, he could still crit that white mage down to a level where Fran could murder her.

The archer disables Fran, which means she can't act for like three turns. So Eldena sets her on fire.

Then sets her body on fire.

The fighting now done, Lex can transform into THE BLUE MAGE. The mage in the gossip trio? Lex was going out buying these duds in Cadoan in a Masculine And Probably Heterosexual Window Shopping Triad.

His stats aren't great, but that's just because his sabre is shitty. We need it for 100 AP, to get the Learning ability.

We also have to defend Lutia Pass from Clan Dip again. ... Yeah, it must REALLY suck to be one of these guys. No, their equipment and abilities never scale.

YOU CAN RUN, RAYTON

BUT YOU CANNOT HIDE

Anyway, that just about wraps it up for Raw Steel this update. Catch you next time!

Edited July 7, 2012 by Furetchen