LET'S PLAY something really messed up

[Parrhesia]

WELCOME TO LET'S PLAY sengoku rance

that's... that's right. I have no dignity or soul left. But I figure, comedy is suffering, right? Right?!

Anyway, this is ... kind of like soulsearching. You see, I've always wondered if I've been more heavily weighted towards gameplay or aesthetics. Rance, for those that don't know, is a pornography with a strategy just sort of jammed roughly on top. Unfortunately, it's apparently incredible. It's rather telling that New Game Plus is basically just skipping the plot.

The thing is that I kinda sorta hate anime, and the thought of two weirdly-shaped people with pink eyes fucking in the back of a car doesn't exactly thrill me with joy, so for those occasions this doubles as FURETCHEN'S ART REVIEWS, in which I review classic works of art that I like. I ... I may run out of paintings.

But I really have no idea what I'm in for. I'm 97% blind. Just want the respectable characters. My strategy will... I'll try to transplant my Byzantine strategy from AoE2 as best I can.

+ Go through a massive economic boom

+ Massed bombard cannons are backed with cheap infantry, heavy cavalry and massed archers

+ Steamroll

I have no idea how or if this will work, at all.

May God have mercy on my soul.

Spoil nothing of this terrible game to me. I want it all to be a surprise!!!!!!!!!

kill me now

Edited January 13, 2013 by Furetchen

[Psych]

I've heard of Rance

Good luck with your hyper weapon

[Original Alear]

Lol I may actually want to read this. Apparently they made Uesugi Kenshin a girl, if she is not the incredibly hottest and maybe facial hair, I will be disappoint.

[Integrity]

Don't worry, she is the incredibly hottest.

EDIT:

It's rather telling that New Game Plus is basically just skipping the plot.

You misunderstood me. Beating the game unlocks a mode where you can skip the whole plot and just play the wargame. New Game + itself unlocks three (four? i can't count at this hour) different paths for the story to take.

Edited January 13, 2013 by Integrity

[nano]

It's a fairly good strategy game with a long learning curve and decent plot and characters. Lots of bonus points if you are familiar with Sengoku Japan or the Rance series (or both).

To be honest the pornographic content are fairly unspectacular, though it does have a strong impact on the game so you can't remove it either.

[Esau of Isaac]

Lol I may actually want to read this. Apparently they made Uesugi Kenshin a girl, if she is not the incredibly hottest and maybe facial hair, I will be disappoint.

She's a cute warrior, man. The scene where her and Rance first meet is downright adorable.

What's more surprising to me is someone like Isoroku Yamamoto becoming a woman... >___>

Anyways the game is great, and for an H-game has some of the best gameplay I've seen. The story can be both surprisingly funny and touching.

Edited January 13, 2013 by Esau of Isaac

[Rapier]

I'll most certainly read a LP of this. I considered playing Rance once, but the weak plot and focus on porn made me go look for something better. Even so, it looks fun and I'd rather be proved wrong.

[Parrhesia]

[spoiler=Session The First]This is it. The first session of Shogun: Total Whore.

Why?

In the midst of heavy fog, there are many men.

Screams and yells.

Sounds of armshields and tassets clashing.

Sounds of feet stomping on the ground.

The sounds of a battlefield---

In contrast, the small girl next to him looks busy.

Oh!

Oda Nobunaga! I know thaWHAT IN GOD'S HOLY NAME IS ON HIS SHOULDER

Why are your eyes larger than your neck

Kou: And you're still wearing normal clothes. At least put your chainmail on.

Nobunaga: Okay, okay, I will, Kou.

Exposition: *pat pat* Nobunaga pats Kou's head.

Here we go.

Nobunaga: Good girl. Good girl.

Kou: Please listen to me!

AAAAAAAAAAAAA

I scrolled down and skipped some text. This will be how I go through the porn. This is where I find out 'gamepad vibration' is by default on. I play it safe and turn it off immediately.

Ranmaru: The scouts have returned. Kubota Hougan's army has ben deployed. They have about 800 men. Kubota Azuki and Hira Munamoto's armies are already deployed to our front.

The fuck are you?

Mitsuhide: This is no time to be having a civil war within the Oda family.

He says something else really boring which I disregard because of;

I already have a favourite character. Oh yes.

Ranmaru: It's not that simple.You should know too about who is behind Kubota, Mitsuhide.

Mitsu: Ugh.

Nobunaga: Ashikaga, huh?

SK: Damn Kubota, he's not acting like a man at all.

Nobunaga: Well, I would praise their spirit in whatever way I can...

Ranmaru: Please do not say such a thing.

Nobunaga: I really do think so.

SK: Oh... this is so pitiful. He's opposing the most generous man in Japan who would not even speak poorly of his betrayers.

Mitsu: But Nobunaga, he may not have betrayed you because he wanted to. So we should try to talk things out before we fight.

SK: Stop being a chicken, Mitsuhide!

Ranmaru: We knew for a while that Kubota has concerned himself with Ashikaga. I don't know who's using whom, but it's true they're trying to overthrow the Oda family. There is no need to plead for him. Well, this would never have happened unless the opportunity had arisen.

You're a rapist barbarian pillager. Get off the screen. And you, who even ARE you?

(What follows is six lines too moway to repeat)

Nobunaga: So, how is my army?

Lead by a paedophile whose subordinate is a rapist, apparently.

Rance: They're good! better than I thought they'd be.

Nobunaga: Well Japan is in an age of war. Of course we're prepared.

Rance: But you guys have such lightweight protection. Is it any good?

Nobby: From my POV, you're too heavily equipped.

Rance: Hmph This is just about right. Well what should we do?

Nobby: Do as you wish.

Rance: But can I? The enemy used to be your men, right?

Nobby: Yeah, but if they're rebelling at a time like this, I'm sure they were bound to rebel sooner or later.

Rance: Alright. Let's go!

SK: Okay!!

Mitsu: But...

SK: Shut up.

stop making me like you game

Rance is an alligator. Okay, I can deal with that.

BUH-

You have the lowest HP I guess?!

So these are probably spearmen and warriors. Apparently spears are fodder and warriors are hopeless. I can deal with that.

UNIT ANNIHILATED

Pavises forth!

And then my best men are up against their archers in melee. Predictably, we win.

I agree!

Transcribing dialogue's a bitch so I'm gonna do this.

Wait hold on-

You're a slave?

That sure is a line and I'm pretty sure this is leading up to something.

Rance makes her cry and then...

I...

Uhhhh.

OH IT'S FOOD

OKAY

Christ.

boring dialogue

boring dialogue

boring dialogue

t-

okay

That's a thing.

Then Rance hits her.

WHAT AM I DOING HERE

YOU

YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A TEA HOUSE

DEAR GOD, MAN, THE HEALTH INSPECTOR WILL HAVE A FIELD DAY

RATS

ROACHES

SUBSTANDARD DRINKING WATER

JIZZ IN THE FUCKING KETTLES

Nobby gives Rance's slave some food. Rance eats it.

Rance has never heard of the 'She's just my sister' excuse before.

I don't know what this means.

Rance is acting like he's never seen Nobby before. Nobby is still hitting on his own sister. Rance has apparently fucked her except he doesn't recognise her? What is going on?

That's it. I'm going to a Catholic church, right now, to confess my sins.

This comes as a surprise to Rance.

Meanwhile, one scene later;

GUYS I THINK NOBBY HAS A CHARACTER TRAIT

Then he gives Rance his entire nation. Because he's dying of Arranitis. And Oda is down to a single territory.

So he leaves it to this capable young fellow to save his kingdom.

Nobby is a poor judge of character.

The next scene shows him probably die in his sleep

BUT THAT'S OKAY

THE TUTORIAL HAS COME UNTO US

AND IT'S TRIPOLAR AS SHIT

WHAT IS GOING ON

... Uhhhhhh.

Guhhhh...?

I like our priorities here. We have to build up an army, but first, sleep with everyone in sight.

That... I will deal with that tomorrow.

Dear god, what is wrong with me.

[nano]

I think an-chan means big brother. Not sure why Kou is shy about saying that though...

Also I have the txt file with all the game scripts if you are interested.

Edited January 14, 2013 by nano

[Balcerzak]

I think an-chan means big brother. Not sure why Kou is shy about saying that though...

Also I have the txt file with all the game scripts if you are interested.

\x\xあんちゃん\x\xと呼びなさい。

Call me \x\xAn-chan.\x\x

And yeah, it's basically a different take on 兄ちゃん in hiragana (instead of going the niichan route), and thus definitely brother-related.

Speaking of scripts, I also obviously have them.

Edit: I suppose I should add in the context lines as well

い、いいじゃないですか。\r兄上で…

C-Come on. I can call you brother, right?

Aniue is a more formal way to address your brother, and anchan is going to be downright familiar, so that's probably a reason for embarrassment right there, at least for Kou.

Edited January 14, 2013 by Balcerzak

[Esau of Isaac]

To explain: Rance "owns" Sill, though it's treated for comedic effect a majority of the time. He bought her in an earlier game.

Chaos is a sentient sword with magical powers that Rance came upon earlier as well.

Spearmen have the ability to raise their Guard stat, which is the chance that they will take the attack that an enemy tried to divert towards an ally. They have lower attack but higher defense as a result of this, so it's always good to have one group of spearmen protect your stronger units that are weaker and/or have fewer men.

An-chan is in essence a cute shortening of the term お兄ちゃん (oniichan). 兄 (ani) refers to an older brother, so this would be making it "an" instead and attaching a familiar suffix to it. Although it sounds more like it should maybe be 安ちゃん to my ears, even though I guess that wouldn't make sense.

[Rehab]

This thread works well for my purposes

[peener weener]

smells of weeb

[Esau of Isaac]

smells of weeb

Smells of grorious Nippon to me.

[Ein]

Well this game is exactly how I thought it'd be writing wise...

[Parrhesia]

So I just read over the last update.

And found this.

...

[Esau of Isaac]

Aww yeah Katsuie livin' the dream~

[riariadne]

what the fuck is wrong with this game

[Rehab]

I hesitate to ask exactly what out of seven it is that you have zero of. My best guess is ALART

Edited January 14, 2013 by Rehab

[Integrity]

I hesitate to ask exactly what out of seven it is that you have zero of. My best guess is ALART

0/7 to relationship level up.

Yes, this means sex to eligible targets.

But sometimes sex happens in between levels.

So it means nothing except for character clears.

[Nanami Touko]

man this topic is pretty great.

[Esau of Isaac]

I hesitate to ask exactly what out of seven it is that you have zero of. My best guess is ALART

It's how many times you've spoken with them out of seven. Once you do that the relationship levels up.

As Integrity said sometimes it includes glorious hyper weapon usage, but there are many characters that do not. Uh, most of them male.

[Parrhesia]

[spoiler=Session 2a]Orgasm Battle continues. God help us all.

On a classy note, too.

Meanwhile, I investigate the prisons, kept by Dokkomo, the most beautiful man in Japan.

This is the part where I threw up into a basin.

Rance hits on Maru and gets no reaction. Maru, you are the only character who I actually respect.

At this screen I can bolster my forces, apparently. I do so, boosting Rance up to 200 dudes. This nearly bankrupts me, and I'm also out of Action Mans, so I end turn.

Hara does something.

And Rance makes an educated tactical decision.

Anyway we have to skullfuck the reds to the south, so I decide to Increase National Power.

Except nothing happens so I do this instead. Which then prevents me from declaring war with anyone except my generic spearman. Fuck.

So I just say sod it and charge 'em. This man is displeased.

He tries to sue for peace before the war even starts, much to this chick's chagrin.

[/i]whiiiiiipped[/i]

Also they employ the KKK.

The Red Army's leader's subordinate uses the same graphic as my Archer Captain, by the by.

Okay.

why is everyone redded out

I LOAD THE SAVE AGAIN

What does that even mean

So I work out something about the neeeded value, and by something I mean I still don't have a clue. I get those blokes to declare war while the others 'prepare for battle.'

Hara Chief's WAG is obsessed with cloth or something.

[/i]whiiiiiipped[/i]

Wh

buh

gh

Bitch, please, you're the tutorial and you know it.

I want his hat. I am going to kill all his dudes and then kill him and take his hat.

someone defended rance as a person yesterday in IRC

I

yeah, I really don't get it

Triumphant music is playing here.

It's worthy of mention I'm playing this because nobody else is in the house.

rrrrrrrright

this is

FURETCHEN'S DREAM CAR

Australia's car companies are engaged in a constant cultural battle between Ford and Holden. For those that don't know, Ford is strictly inferior to Holden and has absolutely no benefits. Seriously. Fuck Ford.

The casual observer might assume (correctly) that I am in the Holden faction. This is reflected by my choice of dream car. Well, one of them, anyway. You see, I have one true 'dream' car, one I'd never be able to afford. That would be any form of Lamborghini. I've always had a natural bias towards them for unknown reasons. Perhaps it's that they're all fucking mental, and I've always respected that.

Anyway, Holden doesn't really make many cars of its own design, as it were. But then, few companies do; you'll see Opels/Holdens/probably some American cars branded as Vauxhalls in the UK. It's strange, like that. Anyway the only ones I can name with certainty would be the Commodore and the Monaro, and MAYBE the Barina. Anyway, it's the Monaro I'm talking about, which is basically a muscle car built after the discovery of handling.

Now, with that done, back to the-

...

one down

299 to go

Worthy of note, by the amount of time I had to spend scrolling down, pretty certain that was by a distance the longest scene in the game so far. It was also the least sexy thing I've ever seen. I've shared a dressing room with a woman unfortunately shaped like someone nine months pregnant. Given that it was a dressing room I've seen her shirtless. It scarred me for life, and yet that was somehow still more titillating than what I've just witnessed.

Time to beat up Sexual Hara-ssment.

whut

anyway, Nobby beats Rance at swordfighting then almost has a heart attack, I dunno

HEY THESE FACES SEEM KIND OF FAMILIAR

these guys have a cool colour scheme, but they are NO MATCH for Watford FC!

THE MIRROR MATCH

except one generic has 349 more dudes

I captured a generic!

I... I can't fight back!

the hell are you

or you

or you

New irritable looking generic!

Hooray!

My numbers are more conservative this time. Which pays off, as theirs are /pathetic/.

Monks can self-heal though apparently.

You know what they don't do? Not get shot by arrows.

And the generic takes out their leader. I kill their leader, and capture the spearman.

But more importantly, support up with this chick! Woo!

stay tuned tomorrow because fuck me if I am not keeping a backlog, I cannot keep this up at one session a day

[Balcerzak]

A tip for you. There are three non-combat stats. Negotiation, Construction, and Exploration. You can see the cost of each effort before you select it. You can then look at the appropriate column in the unit list to make an informed choice.

Or you could maybe fix your install so you actually have numbers displayed, but I don't remember if that takes effort (switching the codepage for non-unicode programs), or just the version 1.01 installer, to be perfectly honest.

[Esau of Isaac]

Yeah, you need to get a better translation or something. When I saw the values for the commanders equal P, Q, S, etc. I actually had a nice chuckle. Gotta make sure you get at least P0 to declare war. >__>