SF Dating Advice

[TheAssassinMercenary]

Well, congrats! Communications have never been the issue. As I've said, I was good friends with this girl before I developed feelings for her, and we still are friends. I guess it's a good thing neither of us are taking it awkwardly after I confessed to her last month (or she's just good at hiding it). We haven't spoken of it, and I think we're both afraid of making things awkward. We have quite a lot in common, so that helps with conversations.

This is a little off topic, but I think it's probably related to my situation. I've been having this recurring dream for about four nights now, and every time it plays out the same way. In the dream, I am with my crush, and we are in a fancy seafood restaurant. Two of my friends that I consider my wingmen are there too, at a seperate table. A toddler at a different table is throwing food at me, and I go to the restrooms to clean it off. When I come back, my crush is gesturing for me to follow her, and everything else around me is slowly disappearing, until it's just us, in black space. Then, I suddenly start falling. I scream her name as I continue to fall, and then I wake up covered wth sweat.

Does anyone have any idea what this could mean? I'm open to any suggestions.

[Rapier]

nothing

dreams reflect your thoughts at the time (because that is what they're made of, after all), which are influenced by your experiences (plus a lot of novelty, courtesy of our brain). It is a brainstorm of nonsense. :V

... uh, sorry for not saying your dream is a prophecy about the future and that you're the chosen one.

Edited December 2, 2015 by Rapier

[eclipse]

Sounds like she needs time now. That's not a bad thing.

As for your dream. . .it probably says more about how you view your relationship with her than some sort of prophecy. It could also be external factors at play, because the sicker I am, the more bizarre my dreams get.

[Freohr Datia]

I have no idea when I am upsetting a shy introverted person with conversation. They can talk nicely to me and all when I start a conversation, but when in the next day they pass through me and don't even say "hi", I'm led to think it was a bad experience for them and thus I give up on engaging any further

All I can say is don't make that assumption

I'd say I more fit the "recluse" category. I'm very nervous about initiating conversation with people I'm not familiar with. In my mind it's kind of like... I find the need to wait for "permission" from the other person to speak to them otherwise I think I might be a bother to them. It's very well possible that the reason that person isn't saying hi to you unless you say hi first because they're too afraid to otherwise

There are just.... all sorts of different people. You can't really understand them all. Maybe just... try to open up anyway and wait for the other to stand up for themselves if they're at all bothered. Unless you just really really think they're looking/acting annoyed without saying so...

Edited December 4, 2015 by Tamamitsune

[Rapier]

All I can say is don't make that assumption

I'd say I more fit the "recluse" category. I'm very nervous about initiating conversation with people I'm not familiar with. In my mind it's kind of like... I find the need to wait for "permission" from the other person to speak to them otherwise I think I might be a bother to them. It's very well possible that the reason that person isn't saying hi to you unless you say hi first because they're too afraid to otherwise

There are just.... all sorts of different people. You can't really understand them all. Maybe just... try to open up anyway and wait for the other to stand up for themselves if they're at all bothered. Unless you just really really think they're looking/acting annoyed without saying so...

The bolded part defines me well, I think. That's why I am used to think that way, and that is why it is hard for me to keep positive when I am the only one showing interest (apparently, to me)... But sure, I know I shouldn't always assume the worst. I'll give it a chance - nothing to lose for doing so, anyway.

[amiabletemplar]

Speaking as someone who is...well, let's just say older than most of the people on this forum, there are three pieces of advice I can give. They are far more easily said than done, but if you can do them, you'll be a lot happier with your relationships, romantic or otherwise.

Speak honestly and directly to others. Avoid hiding behind euphemisms. Don't hope that others can pick up on your tone, can "sense" what you mean. Don't get stuck in the horrible, HORRIBLE mire of thinking that it's "better" or "more fulfilling" when people can "just know" what you want. If you have a problem, say something: preferably not while you're in an adverse emotional state, but DON'T let it sit and fester unaddressed. If you have a particularly strong feeling--good, bad, or in-between--share it. When you leave things unsaid, you're asking trouble to come inside and have dinner with you.

Always hold yourself to a higher standard than you hold anyone else. This cuts both ways. Give other people more--much more--slack than you give yourself. Attribute the problems and faults in others' lives to difficult situations or factors beyond their control, while taking personal responsibility for the failures you yourself commit. Do not deny success when it occurs--whether your own or someone else's--but be modest, results-oriented, and duty-focused about your own success ("I did only what I promised I'd do/what needed to be done"), while showing admiration for the success of others.

Respect is something you must earn from, but freely give to, other people. Respect is utterly essential to personal interactions, and true respect--not merely general courtesy--is something earned, the result of habitual demonstration of a character of merit. Like trust, respect is a connection built between two people, the result of a pattern of behavior, and a single break from that pattern can ruin it forever. Nobody owes you respect, ever: but, by giving respect to others in all your dealings, you may earn the respect of people who notice and care. Be willing to accept attempts at reconciliation, but also aware that some people will fake it in an attempt to have their cake and eat it too.

Along with these, there are three important things to remember:

The hardest part about being a good person is being one when other people aren't. Facing off against the shitty things other people say and do is a constant challenge. But if you want a good, healthy relationship--even when your best efforts have failed in the past--you've got to keep trying, keep doing what you've been doing. You're going to be constantly fighting against your internal inclination to righteous indignation when people treat you poorly, for example. Or when your girlfriend/boyfriend does that one thing that annoys the hell out of you and you've asked her/him to stop 800 million times.

Unless you're very lucky, very few will thank you for doing these things, and most won't even mention it. I don't mean that people won't say "thank you" when you do nice things, nor that you won't get sweet nothings whispered by your significant other. I just mean that going the extra mile isn't going to get you accolades and rewards. People may think well of you, but they'll still be people--which means being flawed, often self-centered, and often ungrateful.

Doing this stuff is a lot of work, and every single day you'll be tempted to break down and stop. This is equally true for romantic and platonic relationships. Interacting with others in the good way, the healthy and productive way, is a labor of love--but it's still a labor, and it will leave you feeling tired. Don't hide from this fatigue, but remember that it is only through your will that you can overcome it--the very thing that fatigue tries to take from you. When you're tired, reach out to the people that love and support you, let them know that you need to lean on them for a little while--and always be ready to do the same for them, even when you've had a bad day.

Edited December 4, 2015 by amiabletemplar

[blah the Prussian]

So I recently asked this girl who I like out, and basically what it comes down too is that she's too busy this weekend to do anything. What I want to know is, is she still interested in a relationship or should I give up?

[Chloe Neo]

You should ask her out and be truthfull about your feelings

[Knight]

Ask her about next weekend maybe, or ask "when would you be available?," but if she says no or avoids the question there that probably means she's trying to kindly say she's not interested in you.

[eclipse]

So I recently asked this girl who I like out, and basically what it comes down too is that she's too busy this weekend to do anything. What I want to know is, is she still interested in a relationship or should I give up?

1. Did she come up with an alternate time?

2. Was she looking at you or anywhere but you?

(1)'s a bit ambitious, but if she suggested an alternative, she's interested. (2) is important if she didn't look at you (it means she's not interested).

I'd still see if she wants to hang out with you. If the answer is no, and she's constantly busy, that's your cue to lay off.

[blah the Prussian]

She definitely still wants to hang out with me. And she was looking at me when I first made the offer, but she said she was busy over Facebook.

[Life]

She definitely still wants to hang out with me. And she was looking at me when I first made the offer, but she said she was busy over Facebook.

You're OK. Same thing happened to me with my date. She got sick day of (talked to her over the phone and she sounded out of it) and my phone broke, pretty much nullifying a date.

Ask her when she's free.

[amiabletemplar]

She definitely still wants to hang out with me. And she was looking at me when I first made the offer, but she said she was busy over Facebook.

Yeah, I'm with Jim on this one. Sounds like it was just bad timing. Best of luck!

[blah the Prussian]

Thanks!

[Excellen Browning]

Alternatively you can ask her to suggest a date, when she'll be free. But yeah, you're good.

Also don't do the "be honest about how you feel" thing. That's how it works in anime and Japan, but not how it works in Europe or America. (though apparently young'uns take their impressions from anime as example of how to do it)

[eclipse]

Being dishonest about how you feel is a great way to get me mad.

In other words, get a feel for the person first. That way, you'll have a better idea of how to approach him/her.

[dragonlordsd]

The only thing I've learned in my short life is that you should always ask sooner rather than later. My biggest regret in high school was when I didn't ask out the girl I liked and my friend did. They broke up three months later, but by that point we had graduated and she went to college out of state. It's things like that that haunt you forever.

[Roxas]

Being dishonest about how you feel is a great way to get me mad.

In other words, get a feel for the person first. That way, you'll have a better idea of how to approach him/her.

or you could just feel the person first.

gets to their heart quicker

[Erdall]

The only thing I've learned in my short life is that you should always ask sooner rather than later. My biggest regret in high school was when I didn't ask out the girl I liked and my friend did. They broke up three months later, but by that point we had graduated and she went to college out of state. It's things like that that haunt you forever.

Seriously, this may bother (specially) you and me, but get over with it. In reality terms, you're WAY too young to think anything like that. Regrets? Come ooooon. A girl who just broke up in three months? Doesn't seem mature enough for any relationship to begin with.

To sum up things, even she seemed sooo fashionable for you, believe me, I had quite few DOZENS of crushes like that. Like everybody else in this damn planet. And life goes on because, specifically, you have a life way ahead to get a proper girl just for you in time.

But the trick is: don't directly look for your better half, just socialize and be friendly with people. With this, you'll may get your chance sometime, ; ) All people I know how they grew up so happy with their respective partners is how unexpected was the first time they met or how they thought that X person could be the one fittable for 'em.

In humble terms, you only need to act in reality itself, be friendly with people and get out more frequently of your house, etc. Believe e, where is the answer in a stupid computer? x'D

Being haunted by one girl ... duh, seriously. And I am the only one here not complaining if I may not find my better half forever? Cause, really, had tons of relationships (generally short-term, though), but I already had looong ago the vision that a woman with enough sized brain like mine (lel) could fit with someone like ... meh.

*Ahem* Now on topic anyway: just don't fear people itself, but also don't get the wrong idea if you may find your right partner or not: everything can happen in this life. Just ... live it well and in your terms as best as you may can. But at least, face reality itself, because there are no exact rules to be bound anywhere. You're at least free enough to decide in your own. You may know for sure when to date, how to go out with someone (specially because you know deep enough about that person, obviously, AND is friendly enough to you for ... obvious reasons, what the hell). In short, there aren't really pro tips about dating.

What's more important, however, is to be humble enough with each other about your feelings. If you merely feel the burn but nothing else special towards that person ... it's a mere waste of time then. I know how 90% of times I am usually right when a couple couldn't last for long by pure experience.

Either way, it takes quite the golden patience just to make a relationship work out quite well. Just pretend like you're besties each other, with some FEW special treatment and move along.

[-Cynthia-]

I don't think anyone would recommend being dishonest about how you feel, but you might want to hold off on disclosing every emotion you have about a person until you're more sure of how things are going.

[eclipse]

I don't think anyone would recommend being dishonest about how you feel, but you might want to hold off on disclosing every emotion you have about a person until you're more sure of how things are going.

Timing is important, but that tends to get confused with "not saying anything" (or worse, being outright dishonest), and THAT'S when things take a turn for the worse.

[Excellen Browning]

Being dishonest about how you feel is a great way to get me mad.

I never said to be dishonest. I said to hold off on saying something along the lines of "I like you senpai" on your first date, which, again, would be fine in Japan but just awkward in Europe/America.

[Shin]

I think that's less a matter of honesty and more trying not to come on too strong. I've definitely been put off in the past by someone who seems way too keen. It kinda gives off the sex pest kinda vibes in some circumstances.

[Terrador]

I think that's less a matter of honesty and more trying not to come on too strong. I've definitely been put off in the past by someone who seems way too keen. It kinda gives off the sex pest kinda vibes in some circumstances.

Why must you air our dirty laundry?

[TheAssassinMercenary]

I don't know... I think a lot of people just have trouble showing their emotions.