SF Dating Advice

[Rapier]

It lasted long enough to fulfill it's purpose, at the very least, and maybe it will be used again in the future by someone seeking answers, so it's not like this is the end of the discussion. Anyway, I hope things went well with the topic maker.

I think I'll throw a question there and see how people answer. What do you all think about relationships through the internet?

[Life]

I think I'll throw a question there and see how people answer. What do you all think about relationships through the internet?

Bad, bad and very bad.

Forget the obvious "person may be a 42 year old pedo", I have real experience in this shit that fucked me up emotionally over the course of the last decade.

[Rapier]

Bad, bad and very bad.

Forget the obvious "person may be a 42 year old pedo", I have real experience in this shit that fucked me up emotionally over the course of the last decade.

It seems very hard. I know people who are into these relationships, and they can barely meet with their partners. That seems terrible.

Even if they are truly what they seem to be, distance shenanigans are the worst.

[-Cynthia-]

Online dating can be a good way to meet people- although you are perhaps referring to purely Internet relationships. I don't think most people find those very fulfilling ultimately.

[Lord Raven]

It depends on what you mean by "through the internet." If you're talking about like how 99% of any interaction you've had total was through the internet and you're only communicating through text and sometimes maybe through skype/phone then I think it's doomed to fail. If you met through the internet but have the ability to meet often IRL then I'm neutral, because that's not really an internet relationship anymore but it just started via internet. If you're in a long-term IRL relationship but you've suddenly had to move while the other person is away and all you can do is talk long-distance then I think it's hard to sustain but it's not as bad as the first scenario which I presented.

[Rapier]

Online dating can be a good way to meet people- although you are perhaps referring to purely Internet relationships. I don't think most people find those very fulfilling ultimately.

I'm not sure if I used the correct term. I take "dating" as a romantic encounter. That's not what I was referring to. I was talking about holding romantic relationships formed online.

[ErrantDShepherd]

Online relationships are difficult for the same reasons long distance relationships are hard, but times ten plus potentially not ever knowing the real individual you believe you are communicating with/having a relationship.

----

Any relationship is going to be difficult and complicated, and while some of Jim's assertions may seem a little harsh to me, he does have some good points.

Over thinking/over complicating a relationship, especially before you actually even have one is a recipe for disaster usually.

---

I found that when I went in with no expectations, no pressure for it to work out or not work out... Essentially when I just relaxed and enjoyed getting to know the person over trying to make them "my girlfriend/lover/one and only/whatever" it went far better than when I over analyzed things in terms of dating and relationships.

Life is really too short to get super worked up about these things like we can do... Take life as it comes, enjoy the ride... Don't be afraid to put yourself out there, but don't try too hard either. ;)

----

If you think this person likes you as a person, and believe you are yourself a likeable person... Then have some confidence, be the you that you wanna be, or are most comfortable with. :)

----

Real talk, relationships take a lot of work. I just celebrated my four year wedding anniversary, and five years together... We make it work, because we work on the relationship, and ourselves... and we communicate. If you can communicate with this person, maybe they can be that special someone for you. But don't force them to be. ;)

Edited October 28, 2015 by TheErrantShepherd

[Radiant head]

A relationship through the internet sounds horrible, but I think sites like OKCupid, Tinder, etc. are not a bad way to try to meet new people. Especially when you're in a new city. Though even there, I don't bother because I get the impression that the guy girl ratio on those sites are hilariously bad.

[-Cynthia-]

A relationship through the internet sounds horrible, but I think sites like OKCupid, Tinder, etc. are not a bad way to try to meet new people. Especially when you're in a new city. Though even there, I don't bother because I get the impression that the guy girl ratio on those sites are hilariously bad.

There is the issue of attractive women having their inboxes flooded, guys get ignored by them(sometimes more intentionally than not) and get bitter. It can still work despite this though.

[Rapier]

A relationship through the internet sounds horrible, but I think sites like OKCupid, Tinder, etc. are not a bad way to try to meet new people. Especially when you're in a new city. Though even there, I don't bother because I get the impression that the guy girl ratio on those sites are hilariously bad.

Ehh, I have a bias against dating sites (and seeking people to date over the internet, for that matter). Still, it doesn't need to be through a dating site. Suppose two people met in a forums and started chatting for some time and one (or both) developped a liking to their friend.

I think it can work, but it takes a lot of caution and the will to go through these hardships. Assuring that person isn't a 42 year old pedo isn't that hard when you can mark a secure public spot for the encounter, if it can't be done before through Skype. Even so, there's the issue of meeting them. Sometimes it is hard (person lives in another state), sometimes it is impossible (person lives in another country or continent). In the former case, paying your travels is expensive and inevitably you'll only be able to meet a couple of times. Also, I don't think people can be fully known over the internet, so it is also possible that a disappointment will come after meeting the person in real life. Plus, introducing yourself as someone known over the internet might be as good as introducing yourself as a leper.

A lot of things can go wrong.

Edited October 28, 2015 by Rapier

[Radiant head]

Oh.

Well as a means of meeting, it's fine, but I don't think they can ever truly know each other unless they meet in person.

[-Cynthia-]

Ehh, I have a bias against dating sites (and seeking people to date over the internet, for that matter). Still, it doesn't need to be through a dating site. Suppose two people met in a forums and started chatting for some time and one (or both) developped a liking to their friend.

I think most people would feel limited by the constraints of a remote relationship- not being able to go to events together, have physical contact, introduce to friends easily etc. is often seen negatively.

[Jedi]

As for relationship advice, the best I can give out is to not overthink shit. A lot of socially awkward people (AKA the vast majority of this forum) tend to run themselves in circles, going over every possible outcome. Just go with the flow and be cool with

I can admit this, yeah I tend to overthink everything and how to approach a girl about a date or something is one of them haha.

Also to the whole online thing, its a matter of trust. I don't think i'd be against a LDR that had you know, chemistry and build up, like a relationship in person.

Edited October 28, 2015 by Jedi

[Sunwoo]

I think I'll throw a question there and see how people answer. What do you all think about relationships through the internet?

It can work. I'm absolutely serious. But it only works if you 1) know the person well enough to know they are actually who they say they are, and 2) are fine with distance between you two. In other words, it only works if you're patient enough to get to know the person to know they are who they really say they are, and you're not so clingy that you can't stand being apart from one another.

[Kirie]

I actually met my husband over the internet. We lived an ocean apart (him in the Netherlands, me in Chicago) and were friends for about a year before we decided to try exploring a deeper relationship. We dated long-distance for about 3 years before I decided to move here and we just celebrated our 2 year anniversary this past September.

It's certainly not for everyone, though. Traditional dating never really worked out that well for me (too many guys just out for sex that assumed I was a slut because I'm well-endowed), so I guess I was more open and willing to explore other options. I'm a very timid individual, so it was much easier for me to open myself emotionally to someone via written words instead of spoken ones, and I think that helped a lot with forming a bond. We didn't have a lot of time to spend together in person, but we would visit each other at least twice a year, and neither of us had much of an active social life that the other was missing out on (he was finishing up university, I was working a lot and writing when I wasn't working). Sure, it sucked like hell being apart for so long, but we loved each other enough to make it work, and now we've spent more time together than we have apart.

For the right people, under the right circumstances, it can be nice.

[Freohr Datia]

I still don't trust myself for advice, but giving input from experience...

Number three, it's absolutely OK to ask someone you've only just met on a date.

Honestly when somebody did that to me I got very suspicious and anxious because I didn't think anybody would ask a person out straight away unless they were desperate for a relationship... I guess it depends on the viewpoint of the person being asked out. (My response was "can we get to know each other a bit better first?" and he agreed to it, shortly after told him "no thank you" after learning that he in fact was a very desperate person who also lied a lot)

But I guess as long as your goal isn't to "win" as soon as you ask him/her out on a date then letting them know you're interested may work out over time because at least they know how you feel and whether they take the date straight away or not, they may at least give you a chance to win them over (and as long as you turn out to be the type of person they like...)

I think I'll throw a question there and see how people answer. What do you all think about relationships through the internet?

Mine happened to turn out really well since we ended up only three hours away from each other. I think that it's probably very very important that they are at least able to meet each other for it to really work out in the end.

But you also said you were just wondering if we think it's good at working out or not? Well, idk if it's good at working out, just that there are definitely people out there who've had successful relationships from meeting online. And I've met in person with the man I met online on and off for 3 years (which, btw Life/Jim, we spent about a year getting to know each other before we got into a romantic relationship, so as I said it really depends on the person) until I moved in with him 4 months ago and let me say nothing's happened over that time to make me think this was a mistake. no, not even his countless farting and burping~

[Rapier]

My main issue with these relationships is that I insist it is not possible to know someone well if you don't meet them in person and actually see them, because you don't get to see how these people behave in their environment. It's easy to "roleplay" on the internet but not so easy in real life... I think. Well, I didn't think too much about this, so I'm not sure.

And being that friend from the internet is awful as well when introducing yourself.

I guess I'll simply rush head on and forget about the imminent failure I'll receive, planning be damned. At worst, at least I'll improve her self-esteem? Whatever.

Edited October 29, 2015 by Rapier

[Freohr Datia]

My main issue with these relationships is that I insist it is not possible to know someone well if you don't meet them in person and actually see them, because you don't get to see how these people behave in their environment. It's easy to "roleplay" on the internet but not so easy in real life... I think. Well, I didn't think too much about this, so I'm not sure.

I guess I'll simply rush head on and forget about the imminent failure I'll receive, planning be damned.

Well not only is there "roleplay" but some people just... react differently in screen interactions rather than face-to-face

Like me for example~ I find it easier to talk to people over a screen than in person because I'm a very slow processor, when on the internet people don't really catch that bit in me so easily because it takes a while to type anyway \o/ Typing gives me more time to think. Otherwise in person I'm full of awkward silence and often take 5-10 seconds (or even more~) before I have an actual response to give. And I'm also often very clueless >-> At least on the internet I have time to look stuff up if I get confused ^o^ Or sometimes I just ask them anyway... Otherwise in person I just sit there stupidly~ I must make a very entertaining person..... ;~;

But I disagree that it isn't possible. I think there are still many many people out there who are pretty honest about themselves on the internet (and was certainly the case in my own relationship) so even if you don't 100% catch what they're like, you still get the basic gist of them. And skype calls are really helpful as well, which we did a lot. There's less hiding in a voice talk, I think.

Good luck with whatever you try to achieve, though!! And making mistakes is never a total loss, you just have to make yourself learn from them. And some mistakes can even be fixed, too~!

[Rapier]

Haha, I can relate with that. I'm also a slow thinker who's pretty much the clumsy cuckoolander of any group. Writing gives me time to think, and even then I find myself editing my posts two seconds later, go figure. =P

Its not that people aren't honest on the internet. In real life you get to see how they act and react, how they behave, what they do and all. On the internet you only get a bit of info about their lives and get the impression they want you to see. There's also the longing to be together - it matters a lot. If I were in such relationships, I wouldn't like to be someone far away who can't do anything. I don't consider myself a clingy person (I'm actually very reclusive), but going on a real date, enjoying your time and making yourself known (and preferably giving a good impression) to the people who matter to them (parents, siblings, close friends) is very important. I can tolerate it only for so long.

[Shin]

Ehh, I have a bias against dating sites (and seeking people to date over the internet, for that matter). Still, it doesn't need to be through a dating site. Suppose two people met in a forums and started chatting for some time and one (or both) developped a liking to their friend.

I think it can work, but it takes a lot of caution and the will to go through these hardships. Assuring that person isn't a 42 year old pedo isn't that hard when you can mark a secure public spot for the encounter, if it can't be done before through Skype. Even so, there's the issue of meeting them. Sometimes it is hard (person lives in another state), sometimes it is impossible (person lives in another country or continent). In the former case, paying your travels is expensive and inevitably you'll only be able to meet a couple of times. Also, I don't think people can be fully known over the internet, so it is also possible that a disappointment will come after meeting the person in real life. Plus, introducing yourself as someone known over the internet might be as good as introducing yourself as a leper.

A lot of things can go wrong.

I don't have leprosy I swear

One has to make the best of it. Distance kinda sucks, but it makes you appreciate the time you do have.

[Radiant head]

There's also the risk of predators.

[Lord Raven]

There's also the risk of predators.

I honestly don't think that's as common as you might think though

[TheAssassinMercenary]

I'm neutral towards the Internet as a way to meet people (as several of you have said), but actually dating through the Internet almost never works.

On another note, I told my crush how I feel. We were walking together and I just came out with it. She smiled and looked like she was about to say something, but then we branched off to go to our classes. I'm honestly not really sure how things will go from here.

[Radiant head]

I honestly don't think that's as common as you might think though

Probably, but I guess I think it's something people should be cautious of.

[Lord Raven]

I'm neutral towards the Internet as a way to meet people (as several of you have said), but actually dating through the Internet almost never works.

On another note, I told my crush how I feel. We were walking together and I just came out with it. She smiled and looked like she was about to say something, but then we branched off to go to our classes. I'm honestly not really sure how things will go from here.

she wants it

Probably, but I guess I think it's something people should be cautious of.

Do you define predator as like lying about age (ie older than they say) or lustful? I know none of the former but heard only one case of the latter though the latter was a sociopath.