Magical Glace Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 You can explain outside of the story clearly, but if the story itself is hard to understand, it detracts from the work itself. The last part of mine (the bit where we get Link's POV on how he felt about having to leave everyone and when discovered, kill Soren) was added last minute to clarify his state of mind after defeating Malledus. I felt it was too vague originally. Also @ Ana's review of mine: My work underwent a dramatic change in style when I started trying to focus more on description and emotions of the characters. It used to be very, very dialogue heavy, moreso than your entry for this round, in fact. So now, the dialogue we do get is mainly more description. ...Yeah. I gotta work on balance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anacybele Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Yeah, that's true. It's definitely easy to explain something outside of the story, it's the story itself that also has to be easy to understand. And I see, I see. That explains it then. As for me, I think I just always found it easier to write dialogue than description... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 First, thanks everyone! I had to whip that together really quickly. It's actually a fanfic, but I wanted to write it in such a way where it could be enjoyed without knowing what it's based on. It looks like I succeeded~! I'm gonna rattle off my thoughts about everyone's writing. Glac - I'm familiar with exactly half the important characters, so to do a full plot critique would be, uh, bad. I can see what's happening, but because I only have half of the relevant information, I can't figure out why it's happening. Still, it was enjoyable~! Ana - Your interpersonal interactions are really well-done, even if I don't agree with all of your wording choices. Like Glac, I'm missing some context (as you have your own world that you draw upon - that's perfectly acceptable). Peach - You are now banned for making me want a kitten. You're really good about engaging other senses than sight, and your story format is quite refreshing! It feels like it would make for an interesting picture book (with the "shit" removed, of course!). blah - Your knowledge of history really shines through in your writing! Unfortunately, the stylistic errors get in the way. If you write your stories in an external text editor, I'd suggest turning off the WYSIWYG editor before pasting your text. I could give you some other pointers, if you're interested. Dragoncat - You have a lot of characters! This isn't a bad thing, but there were so many that I lost track of them! I like the practical implications of being in laguz form vs. beorc form. Snowy - I can SEE your world, and it's wonderfully bleak. Likewise, there's a nice, stark realism in the way the guards respond. The lack of other background is probably what hampers the story, but I think this is more due to the constraints of the contest than anything else. Farkas - And you're banned for making me hungry. Can I grab Tilma out of your story, and make her a mod here? Loki - I know you're older than me, but I recognize things like the cassette player, which makes me feel really old. Would love to know why Kristy doesn't think she's normal (pretty sure it was in the summary, but clipsey's too lazy to reread it). me - So I could work on things like "paring down the number of incidents" and "making certain people more relevant" and "FFS give your main character a name and a better physical description". Still, I'm glad I made the deadline! Hope you all liked it~! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MisterIceTeaPeach Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) God damn it. Why are all of them so good? I'm a liitle bit jealous tbh. First of all: I absolute love this idea. This competition made the people want to be creative. It was very fun for me and also a new experience for me, because I never have done something like this before in English, even in German. Also reading all the stories was very enjoyable and made me laugh, but it also made a little bit sad in some situations. Everything was there: Fire Emblem x Zelda, Laguz vs. Beorc, war drama, cute relationships... However I couldn't understand all of them entirely, because I didn't know all the fandoms. I couldn't really decide for a certain one. There's actually a tie between three stories for me. Since I voted already, I have kept my vote not to tip the scales. @Anacybele Thanks! Yeah, my topic dealt with cats. I have experienced some funny and (probably more) weird situations with them. It's not written in a poem-form since there aren't included any poems. I only made a paragraph after each phrase to make it easier to read for you. So it's a little bit confusing that this written text looks like a poem. @Glac Thanks! I know some topics are very VERY strange to imagine and comprehend for third parties. A photo would be worth a thousand words. @Eclipse Thanks! I absolutely expected the reaction about "the shit". Yeah, I know it was a little bit overdone... Unfortunately I didn't have a smart phone with a camera at hand, when I experienced most of these situations. Edited March 31, 2015 by Mister IceTeaPeach Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blah the Prussian Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) Okay, explanation for my story: The reason there is more showing than telling is that the main character isn't Steven, it's the Narrator. The story is to some extent about their views as well. The whole point was to feel disconnected from reality as the reader. Who are the Reader and the Narrator? That's for you to decide.On to reviews!Glaceon: The concept of a FE/Zelda crossover is a very interesting one. Hell, it would be great if you made it into an entire fanfic! Unfortunately, this is partly because there are some parts that need to be expanded on. For example, why is Soren living so long? I don't think Branded live that long in canon. Overall, a really good and also sad read!Ana: The story is well written. The problem is the lack of context. Presumably the pairing is IkElincia, but it's not really mentioned. There are also some characters mentioned but never expanded on. I think it would be better if it was part of a larger fanfic. Overall though, it is an interesting and well written piece. IceTea: This seemed to me to be a collection of really short stories. While the stories themselves are cute, breaking them up the way you do somewhat breaks up the flow of the narrative. Most of the stories themselves work, however. Dcat: While this is a spin off of WOC, it stands on its own, which is good, even though I'm familiar with the source material. There are some punctuation errors, but nothing too major. The story works well as a short story, with a simple but enjoyable plot. Snowy_One: This story was one of my favorites. It was extremely well written, and you do a good job of creating the atmosphere. I also like the theme (that good leadership sometimes clashes with kindness) and like how ambiguous the whole thing is. Good job. Farkas: This works well as a short story because of how to the point it was. No complaints here, but it's nothing revolutionary. Loki: This was my favorite. The characters are easily understood and well developed, and the plot is enjoyable. I do like that it ended the way it did, because leaving what the creature is up to the imagination makes it scarier, and its unlikely that a satisfactory resolution could be reached in the short time there is to tell the tale. Great job! Eclipse: The imagery in this one works very well. My only complaint is that the fantasy element wasn't really needed. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to class. Edited March 31, 2015 by blah2127 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Okay, explanation for my story: The reason there is more showing than telling is that the main character isn't Steven, it's the Narrator. The story is to some extent about their views as well. The whole point was to feel disconnected from reality as the reader. Who are the Reader and the Narrator? That's for you to decide. The stylistic stuff I was talking about were the stray size tag and the scrunched-up paragraphs. As for the actual content of the story. . .you'll need to give the person reading your story (who may or may not be the Reader you mentioned) a reason why they should care about the Reader, the Narrator, or who the Narrator is talking about. Otherwise, it looks like the Narrator is spouting something about someone who is being somewhat objectively described, and IMO that's not engaging. The style you seem to have chosen is one of the harder ones to master - I'd say it's ever-so-slightly easier than writing a proper romance. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Etria Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Farkas - And you're banned for making me hungry. Can I grab Tilma out of your story, and make her a mod here? Heh, after dealing with how many generations of stubborn warriors she would be the best mod. Because she has her ears everywhere and knows all your secrets~ Thanks, guys, for your kind words. After half a year of writer's block it's good to hear that I didn't completely lost it. (And what can I say, I love the good old fluff <3) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blah the Prussian Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Yeah, in hindsight, this story itself would probably work better if it was longer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Magical Glace Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Glaceon: The concept of a FE/Zelda crossover is a very interesting one. Hell, it would be great if you made it into an entire fanfic! Unfortunately, this is partly because there are some parts that need to be expanded on. For example, why is Soren living so long? I don't think Branded live that long in canon. Overall, a really good and also sad read!Soren will, chances are, live veeeeery long, far longer than Ike. Soren's a black dragon branded, and branded already live longer than beorc, but chances are, being born to the longest lived kind of laguz out there is going to amplify that. Sephiran/Lehran is a heron who lost his powers 600 years before FE9/10, and Dragons age slower than herons. If I made a complete FE/LoZ crossover, it'd probably be FE6/TWW. Maybe FE6/MM. Haha... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blah the Prussian Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Soren will, chances are, live veeeeery long, far longer than Ike. Soren's a black dragon branded, and branded already live longer than beorc, but chances are, being born to the longest lived kind of laguz out there is going to amplify that. Sephiran/Lehran is a heron who lost his powers 600 years before FE9/10, and Dragons age slower than herons. If I made a complete FE/LoZ crossover, it'd probably be FE6/TWW. Maybe FE6/MM. Haha... Yeah, you're probably right. It's been a long time since I played the Tellius games, at any rate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anacybele Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) Ana - Your interpersonal interactions are really well-done, even if I don't agree with all of your wording choices. Like Glac, I'm missing some context (as you have your own world that you draw upon - that's perfectly acceptable). Ana: The story is well written. The problem is the lack of context. Presumably the pairing is IkElincia, but it's not really mentioned. There are also some characters mentioned but never expanded on. I think it would be better if it was part of a larger fanfic. Overall though, it is an interesting and well written piece. Yeah, I was afraid of that. I guess I shouldn't have tried to turn a potential sequel scene into a one-shot. xP Although I probably still could've added more context with more description anyway. I thought I'd dropped enough hints on the Ike x Elincia pairing though. Kael's eye color is one of them, only Elincia has golden brown eyes out of the Tellius females Ike interacts a lot with. And Ike obviously has blue eyes. Then Kael later says his mother once looked regal, and that word literally means "royal." But I also probably should've written "as regal as my mother was when she was Crimea's queen!" instead of just "as regal as my mother was!" or something similar as well. I just didn't want to mention it too much because I know not everyone here likes that pairing and all (which means yes, if I ever win one of these contests, I'm not going to go making any pairings the theme for the next one. xP Closest I'd go to that is just romance in general). And eclipse, you said you didn't like some of the words I used. Which ones were those? This might help me to use better ones in the future. And I know I also struggle a bit with wording choices as well, as my co-author fairly often swaps out some I've written. What do you mean my own world though? Yes, I did create a new continent, but this story took place in Tellius. Kael even says he and Lalita had left for Tellius sometime before this scene happens. I guess I should've made that clearer too, by saying that the warehouse they're using is in Crimea. But thanks for the reviews, guys! I'm glad I'm not that bad of a writer after all! ^^ Edited March 31, 2015 by Anacybele Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blah the Prussian Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 So when does the next contest start? I just got an idea that I am quite eager to put into words. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anacybele Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 (edited) Right after voting ends at the soonest, which is the end of Thursday, I believe. Whoa, we have a tie now. o.o Edited March 31, 2015 by Anacybele Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Laufeyson Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 (edited) Oh man. You guys liking those characters, now im a bit afraid to continue the story. My plans for that are quite large and very scary. Very very scary. Ruh roh. A tie! :o Edited April 1, 2015 by Loki Laufeyson Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anacybele Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Yeeeah, I might not want to continue reading if that's the case. ._. Nice Scooby Doo impression. XD I love Scooby Doo! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 And eclipse, you said you didn't like some of the words I used. Which ones were those? This might help me to use better ones in the future. And I know I also struggle a bit with wording choices as well, as my co-author fairly often swaps out some I've written. In order: While you do draw off of Tellius' world, it's one of many ways things could've ended up; thus, my assertion that it's your own world. Now, if this was a fic about what was going through Ike's head during RD's 3-13, it would be another matter. I'll grab some random passages, and attempt to explain myself. A grimace then scraped the boys face, his golden brown eyes squeezing shut tight I sort of see why you'd use "scraped", but it leaves the wrong imagery in my mind - something a lot bloodier! Dilan protested, his mouth dropping wide The imagery here is also awkward, because Dilan's talking. Come on, thats a bunch of horse dung! Saying something stronger than "nonsense" and weaker than "bullshit", while sounding natural, isn't an easy task. I'm partial to "That's a load of crap", but I think it might be too strong for your purposes. Kael. I do get it. Believe me you. . . .and I'm not sure what that last bit is supposed to express. --- Now, about that tie. . .let's do something about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunwoo Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 I noticed that eclipse broke the tie between her and Florina by shifting her votes around. I am not opposed to this, but I'd suggest that if people want to swap their initial votes to not do it more than three times, and to not let anyone else influence where your final vote ends up either. There's still a bit over 48 hours left in the voting period. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Had it not been a tie, I would've left my votes as-is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunwoo Posted April 1, 2015 Author Share Posted April 1, 2015 I figured as much, but someone brought up to me earlier the chance that there might be vote-swapping due to "behind the scenes deals" or something, so I figured I should just make my stance on vote-swapping clear for the future. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 Ah, gotcha~! Yeah, I don't encourage rigging - be honest, and if things don't pan out the way they should, c'est la vie. Hopefully, it won't come to that (because this is a video game forum, and it's not like we're vying for a publisher's eye). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Percivalé Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 oh... the idea of public feedback actually makes me kinda nervous (I have a bad phobia of public criticism it's a long story I don't feel like explaining), so everyone giving all the stories reviews in the voting thread is like... oh god what are they gonna say about mine when I enter next time... aaaa I'm still interested in entering (sorry about forgetting this time, LOL) but shrug, I wonder if there's anything that could help me get over that in this context bc I love love love feedback on my writing. it's such an unfortunate bind I'm in That aside, I voted for Loki and eclipse! Will post my thoughts later when I have time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 (edited) EDIT: Whoops. Too many open windows. But I might as well make use of my blunder, sooooo. . . oh... the idea of public feedback actually makes me kinda nervous (I have a bad phobia of public criticism it's a long story I don't feel like explaining), so everyone giving all the stories reviews in the voting thread is like... oh god what are they gonna say about mine when I enter next time... aaaa I'm still interested in entering (sorry about forgetting this time, LOL) but shrug, I wonder if there's anything that could help me get over that in this context bc I love love love feedback on my writing. it's such an unfortunate bind I'm in That aside, I voted for Loki and eclipse! Will post my thoughts later when I have time. The critique should be limited to the scope of what you wrote - if it bleeds off to you as a person (and it's not nice), I'll yell at them. Y'know how I get cranky when people attack the person behind the role PM in mafia? It's something similar. Either way, go for it~! If I say anything, it's for the sole purpose of helping! Edited April 1, 2015 by eclipse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Percivalé Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 (edited) The critique should be limited to the scope of what you wrote - if it bleeds off to you as a person (and it's not nice), I'll yell at them. Y'know how I get cranky when people attack the person behind the role PM in mafia? It's something similar. Either way, go for it~! If I say anything, it's for the sole purpose of helping! Thanks, eclipse! it really means a lot, seriously. I guess when it comes to writing competitions it's a bit different. I have huge confidence issues and everyone knows that. But I do pride myself on my writing and I feel like it's the only talent that I have that I can say I'm really... good at. But I'm always scared no matter what that I'm not good enough. I won a kind-of prestigious poetry award on Sunday and that was a SUPER huge self-esteem boost because lately the anxiety about this has been awful. I'm scared of showing my writing in public and people not thinking it's good. I've spent my whole life perfecting this (probably only) thing I'm good at and... it's such a dilemma because I really love feedback and criticism but then the "you will never be good enough for a publisher and here are ALL THE REASONS WHY and here are ALL OF THE THINGS YOU ARE DOING WRONG etc." voice in the back of my head attacks me and it sucks. It's why it took me so long to post in RP. Like, shit, it's just a silly forum RP/a nonserious forum writing competition, why am I so worried? But I still am worried. Finally getting more active in WW was a HUGE accomplishment for me and I'm still proud of that. I hope I can do the same here and finally start showing my (mostly) serious writing to people, even if I'm still kinda scared to death about it... Edited April 1, 2015 by Quote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anacybele Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 (edited) In order: While you do draw off of Tellius' world, it's one of many ways things could've ended up; thus, my assertion that it's your own world. Now, if this was a fic about what was going through Ike's head during RD's 3-13, it would be another matter. Ohhh, now I see. Thanks for clarifying that. I sort of see why you'd use "scraped", but it leaves the wrong imagery in my mind - something a lot bloodier! Huh, well, I don't always use words like "scraped" in sentences like that, since I like to vary my vocabulary instead of using the same words over and over. But maybe it isn't a good word there anyway. xP The imagery here is also awkward, because Dilan's talking. Yeeeah, I think you're right. I should've put "Dilan's mouth dropped wide" and then his dialogue. xP Saying something stronger than "nonsense" and weaker than "bullshit", while sounding natural, isn't an easy task. I'm partial to "That's a load of crap", but I think it might be too strong for your purposes. Well, I used "horse dung" because I recalled Frederick using a similar line in Awakening ("Pegasus dung"). :P . . .and I'm not sure what that last bit is supposed to express. "Believe me you" is just another way to say "believe me" really. But I've seen it said that way before, even in literature. Edited April 1, 2015 by Anacybele Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dual Dragons Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 So... thoughts?@Glaceon:I like the concept of mixing the Tellius lore and the WW Hyrule and that WW is the only Zelda game I played. I thought it was cool to have the Hero of Winds and a Mage associated with wind come together.I think I lost some context when considering Link's state of mind and why he had to kill Soren. I read the post where you talk about killing Malledus and that was thrown over my head reading the text. Still, I liked what I read and thought about it. @Anacybele:You're very strong with emotion and it's good. Your word choice, I agree with the others. Sometimes it doesn't fit and your phrasing can be off. (The "Believe me you" should be "Believe you me.") @MisterIceTeaPeach: Liked the drabble-like stories. They didn't have a traditional beginning, middle, or end--but I felt they didn't need to be traditional. There were a couple mistakes (gender pronoun switch, for one instance) but they didn't distract me for long. @blah2127I think I got what style you were going for. It was journalistic/objective that could almost be read as though in a textbook if you took out some of the more personal side-notes from the narrator.I have to agree with the others though: objective PoV can be very hard to pull off. People like to feel connected to characters and want text to be engaging. The objective style I think needs to work with what you are going for.Do you want the audience to care about Steven, or do you want Steven to act as a proxy of Nameless Man #9573034 who happens to be in a terrible war? You told the audience his backstory and then cut him short of his life really quickly.I want to say you were going for that he was a person in a war with a life but, in the end, he really doesn't matter. He's just one of the numerous people in the war that will never get mentioned again and can be listed as a number in a textbook.The style doesn't fit with the information/tone provided. It's like you want us to care... and then not care in the end.@DragoncatA very fluffy story--which is not inherently a bad thing. It could have benefited from a more involved plot. @Snowy_OneThe terrors of war! With multiple instances of loss and stress, the mother priestess may or may not have made the right decision. Interesting read.There were moments of long sentences and over-explaining, points where information could be assumed but you explained as though the reader wouldn't get what you meant--at least, that's how I took it. @FarkasVilkas is a very angry character but protective of his bro. I can understand feelings like that.I don't think I had a lot of problems. I liked Tilma. @Loki LaufeysonDamn teenagers...A good set up but I think it could be explored some more. I was interested but it abruptly stopped. It's an open interpretation but I guess I didn't feel... satisfied... with? I guess is the word? I can't really put my finger on it. @eclipseI was in the Bio major for a time quit that for a planned veterinarian career; and, yep, got to be prepared for these kind of sights.This one I really liked. I got a few ideas of what the stories could sum up to but I'd rather not say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.