Furetchen's Energy Drink Reviews

[James Bond]

So far from what I have tasted Monster is indeed the shit...but there are also many energy drinks listed here that I didn't even know of...

[Aizenberg]

My fellow human being self enjoys water ohohohohoooooo! So fun indeedy~!

energy drink! get it right!

jesu

[Parrhesia]

TOKEN TWOFER SATURDAY

20 -- RED EYE PASSION

Opening Thoughts: I trust Red Eye to make a not godawful fruity energy drink. Also I hope that 'passion' refers to an emotion.

Blurb: Arousing blend of Siberian ginseng, damiana, schizandra, avena sativa and gotu kola. The perfect way to inspire desire.

My favourite of them yet. Same weird-ass formatting.

Presentation: Same as the others but with purple on black.

Flavour: Gotta give 'em credit for this much, it tastes like fucking passionfruit if they carbonated the shit out of it. It's actually fairly decent. I'll take their word for the ... things on the blurb they said.

Overall: If you're hellbent on having a fruit drink, get this one.

Three stars. I'd drink it over Red Bull unless I needed a massive energy hit, probably not over HEMP or V Black.

21 -- MONSTER (BLUE FLAVOUR)

Opening Thoughts: Low-carb, apparently. So I should probably have been drinking this the whole time. Relatively. Whatever, let's get this over with.

Blurb: Tear into a can of the meanest energy drink on the planet, Lo-Carb MONSTER ENERGY.

We went down to the lab and performed major surgery on the Monster. We hacked out carbohydrates and calories, transplanted the massive buzz and dialed in the flavour.

Lo-Carb MONSTER ENERGY still delivers the big bad buzz you know and love, but only has a fraction of the calories.

Okay, that's all well and good, but I don't think the 'meanest energy drink on the planet' is allowed to count calories.

Presentation: Same as Green Monster but with an ice-blue M.

Flavour: ...

I'm slightly depressed by the fact that I find it as good. It is a little too sweet, but not as carbonated, and it just tastes ... lighter? Like a Coke Zero claims to but actually doesn't? It IS too sweet, but that isn't changing it from getting a five-

wait, that was an aftertaste faintly of cherry medicine. IDK. Drink, you're giving me mixed signals here!

Overall: It's good for a low-calorie energy drink, though god knows what it's used for. "Oh, I need to get my energy back after this wrestling match BUT GOD FORBID I GO ONE CALORIE OVER 'NOT FAINTING'"

I think I'll settle on four and a half stars. Interesting, tasty, but useless.

[Original Alear]

I read some of these. Entertaining. But have they all been successful at lending energy? Is that aspect pretty much the same throughout?

[Parrhesia]

Pretty much, although I'm not that good at telling. But yeah, all the ones that don't really do anything, I've commented as such.

[Excellen Browning]

... It also says it was pasteurised?! Christ.

Pasteurization is a way of preserving food.

dipshit.

I'm genuinely surprised these drinks need to be pasteurized though because their sugar concentrations are so enormously high no bacteria should be able to function in that environment.

Also self made energy drink recipe:

make the strongest cup of coffee you can make. (often african coffee). Add about 20 cubes of sugar.

Alternate and unconfirmed recipe:

Make like 2 litres of the strongest coffee you can make, pour it into a pan and add 40 or so cubes of sugar. Let it boil till about 1/10th of the starting volume is left over.

FOR SERIOUS THAT SECOND RECIPE MIGHT GIVE YOU A HEART ATTACK DO NOT ATTEMPT

[Esme]

I don't even know what this is but it's the best-named thing in ever.

Also the twist at the end was sublime.

Stevia is a little plant whose leaves taste like sugar.

I have some in my backyard and it is so delicious.

[Parrhesia]

22 -- MOTHER

Opening Thoughts: This got an overhaul ages ago. I remember it being an improvement.

Blurb: Same as Orange.

Presentation: Same as the others but with red instead of orange/yellow.

Flavour: Tastes very strongly carbonated, and rather nice. Just kinda... average, generic taurinic. This is what I think of in general when I think of energy drinks if I'm not thinking of red bull.

Overall: Three stars for completely average justice! Better than HEMP and V Black.

23 -- MOTHER PURPLE

Opening Thoughts: I actually did this a while ago but I very distinctly remember the taste and it sucking.

Blurb: IIRC exactly the same as the rest.

Presentation: Same as the others but with purple instead of red/orange/yellow.

Flavour: Chew on some cheap purple bubblegum, then drink some soda water. You have now cheaply and precisely reproduced the flavour. Why would you pay money for this? Someone thought it was a good idea. Those people are morons.

Overall: Rubbish idea. Doesn't even have the decency to be utterly horrible, it's just boring, run of the mill inadequacy.

Two stars.

[Parrhesia]

And now we come to the fruity girl drinks.

24 -- ROCKSTAR PUNCHED PURPLE

Opening Thoughts: I have a friend who is an extremely capable and driven director. I trust her immensely in all things. I have a very high respect for her opinions. She lives off this shit.

So why am I still so reluctant?

Oh joy, I just flicked in the toppy cappy openoid metallocopter thing. Into the drink. HOPE I DON'T CHOKE ON IT~

Blurb: Pretty much the same as the others

Presentation: Quite remarkably terrible, but in an almost pleasant way. Golden top instead of silver, red opentop capper, purple can, more gold trimming, mostly black, gold and white text... it's regal! And shit!

Flavour: ... Driven and highly competent friend of mine, I'm never letting you shout me drinks.

It's... it does taste like guava, it does that much. The taste is best described as 'overripe', and that's currently how my intestines feel. Poor bastards, to be subjected to this! It's a shitty drink from a company that is intrinsically Bad At This.

I feel ill.

Overall: One and a half stars. Tastes better and is less potentially radioactive than ODK, but will make you feel ill.

25 -- MONSTER EXTRA ORANGE

Opening Thoughts: Extra Green's weaker and shit cousin. Claims to defy gravity. Like, it literally says 'Anti Gravity'. IDK why, but it's cool.

Blurb: Same as Extra Green. No complaints here.

Presentation: I linked the can earlier; it's Extra Green, but orange.

Flavour: The king of shitty fruity girl drinks, mostly because it prioritises taurine over the common banana. Interesting thing about the Extra Strengths; their caps are designed so that you can only drink a small amount at a time; the hole's pretty small and constricted (interpret that last fragment however you wish). The mild constipation has the effect of making each draw a lot more ... noteworthy. It makes you really nurse the drink, kinda. It's also not joking when it says extra-strength; you can FEEL that shit. Why am I drinking this right after a Rockstar when both say just to drink one a day? I don't know, but by god I'm doing it. It has just a hint of the actual tropics in it, and that's enough for me. Anything more... nah, fuck that shit.

Overall: A man's fruity girl drink. Honestly pretty good on every angle.

I don't know why I don't just stick the rating in the flavour anymore, because the presentation and macho don't actually factor into it, but I'll be damned if I change this shit NOW.

Three and a half stars. Best tropical taurine. It's a real pity Monster Orange itself is ... just a bit shite. Relatively, at least.

Edited May 11, 2012 by Furetchen

[Parrhesia]

26 -- MONSTER RIPPER

Opening Thoughts: Despite the better name, Green Flavour kicks the shit out of it. So does Blue Flavour, and Anti-Gravity... hell, the orange ones at least get the better names.

Blurb: The Juice is Loose...

The magical smells in the air driving out to surf the North Shore of Oahu was our inspiration for Monster Ripper.

We started with a killer combo o local tropical juices, added in some original Monster flavour, then souped it up with a full load of our potent Monster Energy blend.

Banzai!

Monster Ripper... a radical Juice Monster hybrid with explosive flavour and the big bad Monster buzz you will love!

50% juice - 100% energy!

Presentation: Very... iron feel to it. Dark metal and shit. IDK. It looks like a factory with all this corrugated iron everywhere.

Flavour: You know, this has one of the best blurbs, but... it tastes kinda shit. It's like oversweetened fruit juice. Still, you definitely feel the energy.

Overall: Eh. Two and a half stars, worst in the range... but still respectable, I'd say.

So I guess that's the end, all that's left is like Sugar Free Red Bull and like Orange and Pink Rockstar and fuck that

I mean surely there's not that much lef-

Wait, what? No, don't be mad. You can't do that to an energy drink. That would be fucking crazy. Wait, wait! You're fucking crazy! No, don't force me to... ! AAAAAARGH

...

. . .

How... curious. I feel the raw power coursing through my limbs! Aha... ahaha... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

A NEW CHALLENGER ARRIVES

27 -- HAMMER X-PRESSO MONSTER COFFEE SKULL ENERGY

Opening Thoughts: Oh yes. This... this feels right.

Blurb: Let me explain; this is like 200 ml of iced coffee, combined with 85 of taurine. Why would anyone do this? BECAUSE THEY ARE THE BEST SCIENTIST.

There's no blurb, alas.

Presentation: Colours are BLACK, BURGUNDY and GOLD. The skull in the title is actually a skull and the other words are all in different fonts. The m on the can is more burnt into it than anything.

Flavour: Tastes like... two halves of a whole. It's beautiful. It's eye opening. It can strike you down. My hand SHAKES and TWITCHES. And... and...

I'm sorry. It still cannot get a perfect score.

Overall: You see, the problem here is that the idea is fundamentally a rubbish one. It works PURELY on the basis of it being BLESSED BY GOD. This is like 285 ml in the can, but it starts with some empty... and it just feels empty. There just... isn't much of it. Drink it if it's energy you want... but you can, alas, do better for flavour.

Four and a half stars.

...

But the can smokes from the lid when you open it.

You know what that means.

BIAS POINT.

FIVE. POINT. FIVE.

And that is the last of the drinks to enter the arena of Rivett Shops because I know the rest are shit. But hey, this WILL get slow updates whenever I find something new. I'll link it in my sig or something, idk. But in any event... see you around.

[Nightmare]

Bravo.

[Integrity]

But the can smokes from the lid when you open it.

oh my god

congratulations you have sampled a lot of energy drinks

[riariadne]

best topic of all time

[Parrhesia]

so i was wandering around civic and I found like

'Monster Import' or some shit

and it tasted pretty much the same as green. Had an eagle on it. Tasted... pretty identical, though, despite promises of a 'smoother Euro-style flavour'. Blurb did end with 'if you can open this with one hand you probably get a lot of dates'. I feel that's noteworthy.

So that gets a five, but not an entry.

Then there's this.

28 -- ROCKSTAR

Opening Thoughts: Oh, Rockstar. You have toyed with me for so long with your fruity energy shit minions who taste awful, with your glitzy covers, your gold tops, your clashing colours... no longer! I have tracked you down to your core, and here I shall have you once and for all!

Will probably taste the same as Mother.

Blurb: It was exactly the same as the other 'for athletes and rockstars' one.

Description: Percentage of Daily Energy Intake: 13%. It is thirteen Rockstar Recoveries from the first post.

Flavour: ... Tastes liiiike...

OH GOD IT BURNS

seriously the right side of my mouth is actually kinda sizzling

It doesn't really taste like anything other than burning

Why, Rockstar

whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Overall: An anticlimax.

Two and a half stars. Worse than Recovery.

[Parrhesia]

29 -- BLU LEMON AND LIME

Opening Thoughts: So you got Blu. Blu comes in a blue can with a blue lid. The colours on this are green, yellow and silver. What the fuck?

Blurb: Regrettably it dates back to like a month ago and I don't remember.

Description: It looks really ugly. Like, silver background, yellow and green overlapping squares on top of that, it's just unsightly. Green can-lid-open-thing instead of blue.

Flavour: Tasted... tasted powerfully of tic-tacs. While it settled nicely on the tongue, it felt somewhat empty and soulless. Blu had sold out for its little spinoff, and it depressed me.

It was still pretty good, though.

Overall: While an interesting and worthy spinoff for a solid energy drink company, Blu Lemon and Lime fails to deliver any actual improvement.

On the low end of three and a half stars. See you tomorrow for a special quadruple update.

[Integrity]

WELL HELLO

[Raven]

I was thinking about this thread the other day and now here it is hi.

[Parrhesia]

QUADRUPLE UPDATE

30 -- RED RED BULL

Opening Thoughts: So Red Bull has patriotically released red, blue and silver bull individually. This one claims to be cranberry.

Blurb: THE RED EDITION. THE TASTE OF CRANBERRY. THE EFFECT OF REDBULL.

Description: I like the presentation; silver text on a red can with red liquid. Best of all the top-cap thing is red AND has a cut-out of a bull on it. Which I find amazing, tbh.

Flavour: ... Tastes like carbonated cranberry juice. I guess one can't fault them for accuracy, but why would they do that?

Overall: Why would they even do that? Seriously?

Three stars. It's different, I guess.

31 -- BLUE RED BULL

Opening Thoughts: So Red Bull has patriotically released red, blue and silver bull individually. This one claims to be blueberry.

Blurb: You can probably predict the differences. Also these ones claim to be made in Austria, and I could've sworn the main brand was Swiss-brewed.

Description: Replace all mentions of 'red' with 'blue'.

Flavour: Tastes less of blueberry and more of taurine. More traditional, and I like it.

Overall: Still, if you're gonna drink red bull, drink... red bull. None of these give the same buzz. Three stars.

32 -- SILVER RED BULL

Opening Thoughts: This was the first one I drank. I put the rest in the fridge for reasons you can probably predict by now. The day left to stew in its own awfulness has not helped it.

Blurb: Allegedly lime-flavoured. Because everyone knows that lime is silver.

Description: Silver can, the text is black. I read some of the ingredients. Like 'Glycerol Esters of Wood Rosins'. And 'Colour (Brilliant Blue FCF). The liquid is clear and colourless.

Flavour: Tastes like if you bite into a lime. This is not a pleasant experience in the slightest. While it gave me a kick, that wasn't the kick of energy so much as a kick directly to the testicles.

Overall: The best idea! The worst execution. One star.

So I have three different brands. Individually, they disappoint me. But together... can something be made of them?

33 -- STARS AND BULLS

Opening Thoughts: THIS IS THE HEAVIEST GLASS OF LIQUID I HAVE EVER HELD

Blurb: DROWN YOUR THIRST IN THE DIVINE JIZZ OF AMERICA

Description: Well, it's a deep red liquid. Deeper than Red, and ... not purple, like Blue. Silver was clear liquid so w/evs

Flavour: Tastes... honestly quite okay. It's giving me the jitters even now. I have, through my crude mixture of pasteurised liquids, achieved energy drink mediocrity. It does taste rather too fruity, and it's not a glorious success like Yuppie Tears, but it's still... not the average of its parts!

Overall: Extremely tolerable. Three stars, yet again.