Furetchen's Energy Drink Reviews

[Parrhesia]

5 -- RED EYE CLASSIC

Opening Thoughts: Platinum was pretty good. This will probably be pretty good.

Blurb:

Original blend

of pure spring water,

amino acids and B vitamins.

The perfect

everyday refreshment.

Pretty much the same as Platinum, but with different ingredients. Same eye-bending font size changes.

Presentation: Same as Platinum but red speckles on black rather than black on blue. I prefer it.

Flavour: Kinda sizzling on the tongue, very full, and oddly somewhat fruitish taste. THIS is how you add fruit to an energy drink; sparingly, so nobody notices. For something you can apparently have two of a day, it sure doesn't feel it. This is a good thing. It's pleasant.

Overall: Looks good, tastes good, just a very ... solid effort in general. I approve heartily, and you could do a lot worse.

Four stars. Gets the edge over Platinum for its fuller taste.

Monster Energy (that's the one with ginseng in the ingredients, right?)

How the fuck should I know? I don't know what half the shit they put in this stuff is.

Edited April 19, 2012 by Furetchen

[Parrhesia]

6 -- V

Opening Thoughts: I once drank a 750ml bottle of this at once. Felt good. Only sells 350 down there, though... more's the pity. Also, 1.5 bottles max? Can TOTES combine this with a red eye.

Blurb: To help them get more stuff done, the ancient Amazonian Indians would suck on gobfuls of guarana berries. To help you do more of whatever it is you're into, we've mixed guarana with vitamins and caffeine too.

Also worthy of note: Ingredients are listed as 'Stuff in the Bottle'. I approve.

Presentation: Green bottle, brighter green labelling, sickly yellow liquid. Pretty simple, better than how Rockstar usually overcomplicates things.

Flavour: Smooth, a little biting, rather fruity but just lacks the depth and fullness of the Red Eye. Very similar, though, and I'd say stronger.

Overall: Solid, but not especially inspiring. Strong, though, which is nice. Will probably never be my first choice for a drink, but can always at least be relied upon.

Three and a half stars. Platinum vs. this is a hard call.

Edited April 22, 2012 by Furetchen

[Parrhesia]

lol does anyone even read these

7 -- MONSTER (GREEN FLAVOUR)

Opening Thoughts: I bought a can of this yesterday but ended up forgetting to do the review. I am delighted to have an excuse to buy more.

Blurb: Tear into a can of the meanest energy drink on the planet, MONSTER ENERGY. ®

We went down to the lab and cooked up a double shot of our killer energy brew.

It's a wicked mega hit that delivers twice the bizz of a regular 250ml energy drink.

MONSTER ® packs a powerful punch but has a smooth flavour you can really pound down.

Unleash the Beast!

Yes, the exclamation mark really is much larger than the rest of the tagline.

Presentation: Black bottle, giant green lower-case M. Silver or white writing. My favourite presentation of anything.

Flavour: ... Hard to describe, but very pleasant. You can apparently really pound it down, which I guess is a perk. Absent of any fruit, but a purely chemical feeling, and you can feel the energy as well. Like Nitro Green, but not overwhelmingly powerful and a lot smoother in taste.

Overall: Very drinkable, moderately strong, comes in a respectable 500 ml, but it's the taste that does it. You would even drink this normally. I mean, fuck, it's not a good idea, but you might do. Really hits the spot, covers all the bases, perfect score.

Five stars.

[riariadne]

lol does anyone even read these

yes

[Original Alear]

lol does anyone even read these

I open the topic and scroll through the newest entries, sometimes catching one or two words per paragraph.

[peener weener]

not at all

i thought it was a stupid concept from the beginning

[Raven]

I too like Monster Green.

[Parrhesia]

I'm thinking of doing Orange Mother next, but I could try and take out another godawful fruit cocktail Rockstar taurine cruiser piece of shit. IDK, next person who posts decides.

[uguu]

drink something good

aka not energy drinks

[Parrhesia]

... I actually might expand this when I'm out of energy drinks. Sure.

[Integrity]

lol does anyone even read these

every single one

they make my loving days <3

[Percivalé]

I should do this with bottled teas

I have a bottled tea cap collection. I should be to at least two hundred caps by now.

[Parrhesia]

8 -- MOTHER SURGE ORANGE

Opening Thoughts: I've drank about 150 mls of this thing so far. My head hurts.

Blurb: We asked the boffins in the lab exactly what makes MOTHER a MOTHER of an energy hit. Turns out it's the MOTHER 8 CYLINDER ENERGY SYSTEM. Yep, it's got our 8 energy ingredients under the hood to get your motor running. (If you don't get the car analogy perhaps you should put the can down now princess and select something more suitable to your sensitive little soul). So throw down a MOTHER of an energy hit. We promise no matter how fast you go, it won't cause skid marks.

I love this entire thing. No businessman could make up something so brash and overly masculine. I love it. It speaks of taurine, of explosions, of assault rifles, with all the subtlety of a javelin to the balls. Manly things.

Presentation: Black and orange bottle, lots of silver. Spiky design. They disappointingly have taken out the special caution that 'their lawyers said they had to put there' that warned 'the weak' to stay away as well as the usual list.

Flavour: This says 'orange' flavour. Do not be fooled into thinking this tastes like some mere fruit. This tastes like every orange thing in the world, from musty old cars through vomit to mandarin concentrate. It's very punishing to drink as well, but I'll say this for it; it isn't boring. And by god, you can FEEL the thing melting your stomach.

Overall: My head hurts. I swear this was just a bad can or something... I swear these used to taste better. Definitely do not have many of these in a short or even a long distance of time.

Two and a half stars.

Does anyone know if this has had a flavour change, like the original red Mother? I swear this used to be more smoothly drinkable.

[Parrhesia]

9 -- MOTHER LEMON BITE

Opening Thoughts: I get to keep everything the same as Orange Mother!

Blurb: We asked the boffins in the lab exactly what makes MOTHER a MOTHER of an energy hit. Turns out it's the MOTHER 8 CYLINDER ENERGY SYSTEM. Yep, it's got our 8 energy ingredients under the hood to get your motor running. (If you don't get the car analogy perhaps you should put the can down now princess and select something more suitable to your sensitive little soul). So throw down a MOTHER of an energy hit. We promise no matter how fast you go, it won't cause skid marks.

I am going to requote this every mother review I do

it is that obnoxiously amazing and I love it

Presentation: Same as Mother Orange, but yellow, so I'll go into more detail; the yellow's more in the top of the bottle, the black covering most of it, and there's a V8 engine motif everywhere. 'Eight-cylinder energy system' and all.

Flavour: This says 'lemon' flavour. It actually tastes of lemon. It's really smooth, too, really pleasant, doesn't kill your stomach or your mouth, at least by energy drink standards, but still sends a pleasant shiver down your spine. Goes well with a hot pie.

Overall: Mother is the V8 Supercars Official Energy Drink for a reason, dammit! Except Purple Mother, Purple Mother is shit, but we'll get to that later. Tastes great, extremely drinkable, but just not as good as Green Monster. Green-flavour is just the king of energy drink flavours.

Five stars, but Green Monster is better.

[Thor Odinson]

you should buy me some when I come down here

They don't sell that where I live

[Parrhesia]

10 -- BLU

Opening Thoughts: Another thing I like! Huzzah! Also its top cap open thing is BLUE and I LOVE THAT

Blurb: Disappointingly, Blu doesn't boast at all. This is made up for by the open-top cappy blue thingy. The most interesting thing is 'Made in Poland', which raises the cool factor up a notch.

Presentation: Well, it's a blue can with dark blue spots and Silver writing and trim. There's a topside cap opener thing that's blue. I highly approve of this.

... It also says it was pasteurised?! Christ.

Flavour: It tastes extremely smooth and rather nondescript, but pretty good considering. It's hard to put a flavour to it... it's kinda just taurine-flavoured.

Overall: It has a good taste, it's easy to drink, and it's probably absolutely nobody's first choice. That said, it does have a topcap pop opening wossname in a blue colour.

Four stars. A stout workhorse of a drink.

[Parrhesia]

11 -- HEMP BLACK LABEL

Opening Thoughts: This can is loud as fuck and also from New Zealand. Also its lid is oval and I ALSO LOVE THAT

Blurb: I'm just going to count everything as a 'blurb'.

It says STRONGEST BLEND three times. The can size of 440ml is described as HUGE, and it is in fact technically in the name of the can. The tagline is DRINK THE NATURAL HIGH. There is a mock Adult Advisory for 'STIMULATION: HIGHLY ENJOYABLE MAGIC POTION' (this being what H.E.M.P. apparently stands for). There is also a blurb, but it's really boring so I can't be fucked to actually type it out.

Presentation: Loud and ugly, big motherfucking leaf motif, ugly, clashing fonts, black, white, yellow, green and some silver battling for supremacy. Pretty awful, but in a charming way.

Flavour: Best-smelling energy drink. Tastes like TAURINE SODA WATER, pretty much, and that's honestly okay by me. For such an exceptional swagger, it's pretty much the benchmark for competence.

Overall: Everything is better in New Zealand, except energy drinks and incidents of bestiality. That said, this isn't that bad for something the sheep-shaggers came up with, and they must be on a constant taurine high off it if they manage to so consistently fuck up on pronouncing everything.

I really do love New Zealand.

Three stars. Promising appearance, very ... competent flavour, not an overpowering energy hit, but it'll open your eyes and send shivers down your spine.

Edited April 26, 2012 by Furetchen

[Parrhesia]

Well I've now exceeded one energy drink a day so yeah I can't sue anyone now

also this might be a somewhat hyperactive ... thing

'cause i just drank four hundred seventy three mils of

12 -- RED BULL

Opening Thoughts: Red Bull has always struck me as the most deadly serious of energy drinks, or as it styles itself, 'Carbonated Taurine Drink (Serve Ice Cold)'. It's SPANISH. I mean, it's not, it says Made In Switzerland like right there, but RED and BULLS, man, it's SO Spanish.

oh god I've started shaking I don't think this was a good idea

Blurb: There's a bunch of facts and shit. Just facts. Like 'Increases concentration.' That kind of bullshit. But my favourite? The best of all? IMPROVES VIGILANCE.

However, I do think there should be another warning on the can. 'Warning: Overdosing May Lead To Turning Into Ryan Sohmers.'

Presentation: Silver and blue in a pattern I believe is called 'big-ass fuck-off quartering' in heraldry. Red writing and bulls and shit.

Flavour: Oh man oh man I can FEEL that shit and it feels like I can really fuck up this room man I HAVE this shit I WILL CLEAN IT

um

I mean

It just kinda tastes of taurine, without the frills. Kinda... caramel? ... That can't be caramel.

It says 'pasteurised' on the can. I don't think that is a good thing. What the fuck am I drinking?

...

how the fuck do I describe that flavour

okay it um

it tastes of red bull. THERE. Done. Not especially pleasant, not bad either. If you're drinking it, it's for the power.

Overall: Really MACHO and shit, but in an understated way. I mean... understated macho crass. You know? Bold silver and shit... that kind of thing. Oh god this was a bad idea. Tastes alright, really strong, unless that's just me, but it's been like half a day so REALLY STRONG aah

On the negative side it is at least partially responsible for Least I Could Do, so the negative bias probably cancels out the taurine high. Three stars. Understated flavour, gets utility points for the strength.

[Integrity]

you know I thought about this thread yesterday

it's good to see updates

[Parrhesia]

V 2: V HARDER

I saw two cans reading 'blue' and 'black' V. I purchased both to advance the cause of capitalism.

13 -- V BLUE

Guarana Energy Drink

Opening Thoughts: I liked V and will probably like V blue

Blurb: BLUE can be a type of berry, bird, a movie or a state of mind. In this case it's the can... and the mysterious flavour. So what does BLUE taste like? You tell us.

I intend to.

Presentation: Exactly the same as V, but where it was a different shade of green than the overall motif in the background before it is now blue in some ugly, subtle stripes.

Flavour: This tastes

like the nineties

man, that is some weird shit

This is the bubblegum flavour of energy drink. I have no idea why it is that way. WHY are there undertones of bubblegum?! This tastes like a cocktail some guy made me. That was blue. It was also a cocktail, and not an energy drink.

Overall: I mean, it seemed okay until I actually took a draw... it seems rather weak, as well.

Two stars. It's not actually bad, it's just why would you ever buy this

14 -- V BLACK

Guarana Energy Drink + Taurine

Opening Thoughts: I liked V but disliked V blue I'm conflicted

Blurb: Same as normal V. But... I mean, it can be a berry or bird too, and you can be in a black mood. There's probably a movie called Black, too. Surely?

Presentation: Think V blue, but now instead of blue it is black. No stripes. It is an improvement.

Flavour: This tastes like normal V, but with a bitter aftertaste. It also tastes EXACTLY THE SAME AS SOMETHING ELSE I HAVE DRANK AND I CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT.

...

I HAVE DRANK MORE OF THIS SINCE WRITING THAT AND STILL I CANNOT REMEMBER WHAT

Anyway it's bitterer. Not actually particularly bitter. Pleasant overall, easier to drink than the blue.

Overall: Far better than Blue, equal to standard. I always did like black and green as a colour scheme, but it seems to reach its peak in the world of energy drinks.

Three competent stars.

Edited April 27, 2012 by Furetchen

[Guest Goldie]

My fellow human being self enjoys water ohohohohoooooo! So fun indeedy~!

[Parrhesia]

If I'd been drinking water instead of energy drinks I would be a healthier man today.

But I'm not.

15 -- OKF

+ ENERGY Drink

WAKE

UP

Never Sleep

Cocktail & Hangover

Driver-Worker-Study-Party

this is literally its presentation

I have no fucking clue what to call it

OKF+EDWUNSC&HDWSP lacks a certain ring to it

Opening Thoughts: what the fuck is this it's two bucks and tiny so fuck it why not

Blurb: There is a list of things this can allegedly help with or something. DRIVER. WORKER. STUDY. COCKTAIL. HEALTH. PARTY. HANGOVER.

There is also a list of ingredients that has a length intimidating enough to almost qualify.

Presentation: Blue background, you've seen the title, a bunch of arrows pointing upwards in ugly clashing colours. The drink itself is an almost opaque cherry red.

Flavour: It tastes like cherry-flavoured medication, if it was carbonated enough to be painful to drink. Also I felt a grand total of no energy boost. Then again, there's no "DRINK THIS MUCH OF ME AND YOU CAN'T SUE" disclaimer.

Overall: Pretty remarkable in how awful it is; every aspect.

One and a half stars.

16 -- RED EYE EXTREME

Opening Thoughts: Red Eye was good. This Red Eye is black and green. I look forward to this.

Blurb: Pretty much the same as the others, marginally different ingredients.

Presentation: Exactly the same but green instead of blue/red.

Flavour: It tastes... a lot like V Black. But somehow a lot better. Like, REMARKABLY better. It does suffer from being too carbonated, though. God, my tongue... ! Kinda like both V Colours combined into something far better, really.

Overall: Black and green, and black and green drinks are NEVER BAD. This is NO EXCEPTION.

It's also extreme. Four stars.

Edited April 28, 2012 by Furetchen

[Parrhesia]

I went down the road today just to get a double dose of taurine for you guys. And then I saw a brand of can I'd never seen before. It is simply called 28. It has a simple, elegant design. There were two flavours of it, white and black. It is all natural. It uses acai and coffee bean to substitute for chemical flavours used by corporations. It is exorbitant and it tastes like liquid shit.

17 -- 28 WHITE

Opening Thoughts: It's beautiful. It's tiny and white and part of a matching pair and then I went to buy it and it was on sale if you bought two of the can and buying one white and one black counted and augh THIS WAS DESTINY

Blurb: Australia's first low calorie energy drink to use a unique natural sweetener blend, including premium quality stevia. Contains the extract of minimum 28 acai berries per litre.

Enjoy the unique tastes and effect of this sugar free, lightly carbonated and fruity acai flavoured drink with guarana and caffeine.

and seeming to serve as an incredibly retarded tagline of sorts;

THE DAY HAS

28 HOURS

(no it doesn't)

... Okay, so it's pretty much the tears of yuppies and Green Party voters. Wait, what did I just see there-

100% NATURAL

NO TAURINE

Awwwwww shit, this ain't gonna be good! [/Coach]

Presentation: You know how I usually say something has silver writing, well, usually there's exceptions in places I can't be fucked to tally up. Not here; all writing is silver. Black barcode, gold eagle motif, white background. That's it. Oh, THE DAY HAS through until NO TAURINE is silver background with white writing for some reason.

Flavour: Worse than ODF. Exactly the same magenta but so much worse. Worse even than Punched! And that was Rockstar combining with fruity energy drinks to make something terrible! I'm actually unable to finish this can!

Overall: This is exactly the kind of thing that Silvano McLivesInNorthsideCanberra drinks on the way to the ballot box to vote for the Greens and thus indirectly pave the way for Tony Abbott to eat the country with his vile festering teeth while he sits back on his bony arse smugly thinking of how those chai latte drinkers can never be as hip as him because coffee beans are made on the backs of slaves so deprived they don't even have iPod Shuffles and ARGH THIS DRINK MAKES ME ANGRY

BAD! SLAM! NO! STARS!

...

*cracks open the black can*

*magenta liquid foams out*

Fuuuuuck.

18 -- 28 BLACK

Opening Thoughts: Fuck my life.

Blurb: Instead of the 'first low calorie drink' bullshit there's a graph. Replace 'with guarana and caffeine' with 'with guarana, isomaltulose and caffeine'... in fact, they've taken out all the parts saying 'no artificial sweeteners', or 'sugar free' or 'low calorie' or 'no aspartame' whatever the fuck that is.

Presentation: Exactly the same but black instead of white. It's the same silver, too, which was fairly light so it looks better on black. There's a white square which the barcode is on, though. Also, with both black and white the can itself has an odd texture. Kinda... cardboard. Probably really natural and shit.

Flavour: Thank christ for the sweetener, it makes this not godawful. Thank you, chemicals! It tastes like a more refined version of ODF, which badly needed refinement. Still too much fruit, but it's tart instead of just ... wtf.

Overall: Better than the alternative, still pretty bad. Keep in mind you're paying a lot to not drink taurine in not large doses.

Two stars.

...

Let's pour one of them into the other one!

19 -- 56 GREY

Opening Thoughts: 1+1=2. ... Well, 2+0=2. (2+1)/2 is proper mathematics and makes one but proper mathematics can go fuck itself I dropped that class over a year ago

Blurb: I'm going to write my own.

THIS DRINK IS THE BLOOD OF THE GREENS FANBASE AND DRINKING IT WILL MAKE YOU WANT TO VOMIT INTO SOMEONE'S EYES

KINDLY REFRAIN UNLESS THEY

the sad thing is the greens are still vastly better than either of the parties that realistically stand a chance of winning

Presentation: ... Well, I poured the black into the white can. So it looks the same as the white can, only... pre-opened? I guess?

Flavour: I think I put in more black than white. It... it actually tastes better. A lot better. I'm a genius. I'm a motherfucking genius. The fruit isn't overdone. I don't know how adding a fruity yuppie drink into something that literally tasted like North Canberra somehow resulted in LESS fruitiness, but there it is. The flavour is like Civic, with the occasional bogans but with some of the class. It's... wine, but an energy drink. I guess? I don't know, I fucking hate wine for some reason. Problem is this tastes VERY dry. Still, very decent for a bad drink mixed with an incredibly shitty drink.

Overall: I no longer have to live with the shame of not finishing a can. I intend NEVER to live with this shame.

But you have to pay five bucks on special and like $6.60 without for half a litre. Monster Green costs three bucks. Two and a half stars.

I want to make my own energy drink somehow. Like, I really, really do.

Edited May 4, 2012 by Furetchen

[Nightmare]

Most enjoyable entry yet.

Also, I'd like to make my own energy drink as well.

[Integrity]

stevia.

I don't even know what this is but it's the best-named thing in ever.

Also the twist at the end was sublime.