Saint Rubenio

Right. That's the one thing I didn't try, and of course it's the right answer. This goddamned game. Kinda doubt I'll want to go back and do 100%, but sure, duly noted.

Oh, c'mon. I fell blindly into a room, landed on a flower and it instakilled me because I was unable to jump out of it. Now I have to fiddle around with the shitty flying sommersault controls to get back there. What? It three-shots me at full health and I had to take a hundred hours to set a bomb before being able to move forward. I guess it could be worse, but I'd say it's deadly enough.

Last time I encountered the Sax I was like "this thing is super dumb, I'm just on the other room and it isn't chasing me, what a shame, that's not scary at all." I swear this fucking game can read my thoughts.

"Return to your ship. I have important information for you." Information you can't just tell me over the phone? Gee, I wonder if this is a trap. Never mind, I'm just paranoid.

You know, having explored the base fully now, I find it pretty strange that there's exactly one scientist corpse that hasn't been infected in the entire station. The only other scientist I met had already been aXed a question, but then there's just the one guy lying in the cafeteria near the start of the game. I wonder what's up with that. Probably nothing, but you know how I love to overthink these kinds of things. Yeah.

Oh shit, it's that guy! I mean, this is the first Metroid game I've ever played, so it's not as impactful for me, but hey. Yeah, that was it. Had three minutes to spare by the end, it wasn't too bad.

A timed section?! The last thing I need when I'm in the middle of trying to find the secret breakable tiles is a timer of impending doom...! Watch, they're gonna put pit blocks right in front of the door to the target.

The hatchets are: 0 closed X open! 0 stuck Only one color left.

All right, Metroid time. I hope it doesn't take me a million hours to find the secrets to proceed.

Beard Blade comes out today. I must play this game. It is my destiny. To that end, I must finish Metroid Fusion today. I will now allow the devs' funny pranks deter me from wrapping this mission up so I may move on to the beard game!

Ehh I don't mind missing an upgrade or two, to be honest. I'll be glad to just get out of this with all my limbs attached, let alone get the Sooks% lol

Watch, I'll step on some pit blocks and the game will take all of my upgrades from me and make me play the entire game all over again. Duly noted.

Okay, I think that's enough for a night. Judging by the stuff I have now and the estimated length of the game according to the internet, I think I'm roughly halfway through. So that's nice, I can wrap it up tomorrow, unless the devs pull the mother of all trollings - which I wouldn't put past them.

Before proceeding to sector 6, I have decided to backtrack a bit and check the other sectors for areas I'd missed due to my lack of abilities. I have been rewarded by going through a whole area that made use of all of my abilities... Until I ran into a high ledge that I cannot reach because I need to jump even higher than I can after the jump upgrade. So I have gained nothing and now I have to walk all the way back. Well, that's what I get, I guess. Should've known better than to do anything in this game and expect not to get punked.

Yeah, I found it, but still. At some point they have to stop one-upping themselves. They can't just keep on coming up with more and more clever ways to dick me all game long. Right? Right...? I think this entire game is Samus's nemesis, honestly. Everything is out to get her. To be honest, I think the pit blocks were worse. The mimic made me lose some HP, who cares about that. The pit blocks made me waste 30 seconds and having a yawn interrupted is kinda uncomfortable. So in a nutshell, what I'm trying to say is, this game is too good.

Oh my God, now they're pretending to be upgrades so I'll run into them and get trolled. This is too much. I can only take so much at once. I am going to die in real life if the devs don't let up for five seconds.

I saw a missile upgrade just lying there on the floor. I took the opportunity to yawn. The floor crumbled under my feet and my yawn was interrupted by laughter as the developers once again dunked on me. I can't even yawn without disaster striking in this game. Amazing.

Rooben is just Ruben when he decides to act like a terminal imbecile. Most certainly true. Words to live by. I'm going to turn into Rooben-X if this game trolls me one more time Nah I'm kidding, now that I've gotten over the shock of it being completely different from what I expected I'm honestly liking it more and more by the minute Seriously the data room troll was fucking brilliant

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaah! I come all this way to find the D-room, and then that happens. This game. It just doesn't let up, I love it.

Yep. Rooben decided it would be polite to say hi to the main villain. The main villain then proceeded to chase him over three rooms. But I lived. Hah! He who laughs last, laughs longest!

AH HELP I HAVE MADE A MISTAKE AND I REGRET IT I SHOULD'VE BEEN A COWARD RUN

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhh. The thick plottens.

"We're working on it" is HQ's motto, it seems.

If I put any more explosives on that room I think I'll bring the whole ship down on myself. I'd better just make a note of it and come back later. Or, y'know, forget. That's just as likely, if not more.

Apologies for the unreadable text. I did. It honestly did contain absolutely nothing. Not even any of those breakable tiles with a visual hint as to how you're supposed to break them. Nothing. I returned to it after opening the hatchets and it had two regular enemies. that's it.