Inactive Account Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 (edited) Any feedback for Lyle's and my story goes here. Please focus on plot rather than just copy editing... -ahem- Edited January 19, 2009 by Kiryn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 (edited) Since I lack time right now, I'll start off by correcting a few errors you made. Every so often a slot in "Where are they?" Asked a woman. "Are they injured?" Asked the girl holding the children. Since the dialogue ends with that kind of punctuation, "asked" is the start of a new sentence and therefore must be capitalised. The new boy sat up "Where am I? Who are you people?" She demanded This next part I quote is a tad confusing. "I'm Amy," she told the newcomers. "These are Lilia and Lukas. What are your names?" "I'm Amy" ends with a comma, meaning that the next time she speaks that she is continuing her sentence. But the next time she speaks, you start with a capital, indicating a new sentence... so either the comma should be a full stop, or the "these" in the next part should not be capitalised. Edited January 3, 2009 by Man of the Year! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inactive Account Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 The new boy sit(sat) up EEP that's embarrasing. Thanks for catching that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I also forgot to mention something rather important: paragraphs. You should either put a space between paragraphs, or you have no space but you indent the first line of every paragraph, or you should use the pilcrow. Since I hear you cannot do indenting on this forum, that would mean that spacing would be the most suitable way to indicate a new paragraph. Spacing paragraphs is also beneficial to the readability of the text, since it avoid turning the story into looking like one huge block of text. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inactive Account Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 Yes, apparently my attempted indent failed. Sigh. -fixes paragraph spacing- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judge Judy Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I like how its starts off. Cool, can't wait for the next part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I like how its starts off. Cool, can't wait for the next part. And that would be my job. I'll try not to keep you all waiting too long. ^_^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I'm glad you didn't write it in script. You're pretty good at prose, so I don't understand why you would want to write it in script. Good chapter/block, although the use of characters outside of their respective stories annoys me a little. It's not my business, though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oguma Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Ooooh! This is good! Two of my favourite SF writers co-writing/writing a story! Awesome! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deity Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I also read the prologue. There is truly nothing wrong with your style, I'm not gonna criticize you, but the characters that appeared there could of been introduced with a little more detail, not just woman, man, etc. You could have described a bit what they looked like. ^^ Still, I'll follow it until I get bored with it. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Agro Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I also read the prologue.There is truly nothing wrong with your style, I'm not gonna criticize you, but the characters that appeared there could of been introduced with a little more detail, not just woman, man, etc. You could have described a bit what they looked like. ^^ Still, I'll follow it until I get bored with it. :D Wouldn't really make sense to describe characters in pitch black now, would it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deity Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Wouldn't really make sense to describe characters in pitch black now, would it? Despite the darkness, the ones already there already were finely adjusted to it, lol. So... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 The dark deed you have requested is done. Er. Update. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Judge Judy Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Yeah I like Lyle's part too. Keep up the good work ^__^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dathiason Kx Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 This is good. Interesting use of the royal peeps. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shuuda Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 (edited) In regards to the second part of this chapter: written here by Lyle. One thing catching me eye right now, I'm spotting a bit of tense mix up here. A few (but not all) examples of where I saw this: Shocked by the fact that he’s in the presence of such high standing people, he regains some hope of rescue. The first part is in the past tense, but after the comma it becomes present. Should it not be "he regained some hope of rescue" if you are sticking to past tense? “Hah!” Said the snarky cat laguz. “Sit here and wait. What do you expect us to do?”Emily scowls at the laguz and mutters under her breath. "Said" is past tense I do believe, but when you use "scowls" and "mutters" instead of "scowled" and "muttered" Chase breaks the silence. “How long have you guys been here?” This is present tense, but... Ranulf added ... this is in past tense. “...That-” She’s interrupted by the door above them opening again.“Hey!” Janaff attempts to fly out of the hole, The top line is in past tense, but the bottom line is written in present. Emily was shocked at his perception, but she tried to bluff. “What do you know about me?”“Deny it all you want. But at the very least, you gotta accept that we’re all in this together, so we may as well get along.” He gets up and walks over to his original place. Again, the top line is in past tense (shocked) but the bottom in in present. ----------------------- PICK A TENSE AND STICK TO IT! Edited January 4, 2009 by Man of the Year! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_____ Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Despite the darkness, the ones already there already were finely adjusted to it, lol. So... ._. I'm sure it's meant to be mysterious. You've never seen/heard of the dark room with silhouettes? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Perhaps I should had working on that. (Badum-tish.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Malexis Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Ooh! Looks nice, aside from what Shuuda pointed out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not Changed by VASM :( Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 I love it Kiryn. Can't wait for Lyle's Part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oguma Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 OMIGAWSH KIRYN, WRITE SOME! I like this! It's good! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not Changed by VASM :( Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Word's don't describe the amount of love I have for this story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mufasa Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Word's don't describe the amount of love I have for this story. Creepy, yet flattering. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
riariadne Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Creepy, yet flattering. Where have I heard that line before...? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freohr Datia Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 Just read it! Yay! Can't wait for more of it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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