Erk Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laughs. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vicious Sal Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 Big Muscular man steps into a bar, bit of a Arnold Shwarzenegger type. HE walks up to the bar, and gobbles up a drink that belongs to a little ratface type of man. The ratface man suddenly starts crying. Big guy, a bit flustered asks what's wrong, he only drank his beer. "That's not it! Today, my wife left me, because i saw her with another man! My kids hate me, My car was stolen, and now, you the big handsome dude come in here and take in MY fucking poison! I hate my LIFE!" Bleh... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Original Alear Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 You guys are funny. I have even laughed at jokes like this before. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raven Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 A guy walks into a bar. Says "Ouch". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fenrir Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 A guy walks into a bar. Says "Ouch". I knew this was coming... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freohr Datia Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 xD *can only find jokes on google* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ansem Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 A black guy walks into a white bar he orders a drink he drinks it up and leaves Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mikethfc Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 Its hard to top the German sense of humour: I found this in the textbook I was using for history last year: [spoiler=Why are the new frontier posts in the Third Reich now equipped with wheels?] A: In order to facilitate Hitler's new territorial demands in continental Europe And its not a proper homage to the without this beauty [spoiler='Why did the chicken cross the road'?] Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late. Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home. Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman. "Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flies". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack of the Dead Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 Raven kinda beat me to it but... 3 Blondes walk into a bar. You would have thought one of em would have seen it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whase Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 only joke I ever remembered; 3 men go to a pool, only the pool seems to be empty. the lifeguard tells them it's a magic pool and shows them how to use it. the lifeguard runs towards the pool, jumps, yells "water", and 2 seconds later he's swimming in water. the 1st man says, "this isn't hard", runs towards the pool, yells "beer", and 2 seconds later he's swimming in beer. the 2nd man says, "that's not hard at all", runs towards the pool, yells "wine", and 2 seconds later he's swimming in wine. the 3rd man says "I can do that too", runs towards the pool, trips, yells "shit", and 2 seconds later... it's shorter in Dutch >.< Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mikethfc Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 only joke I ever remembered; 3 men go to a pool, only the pool seems to be empty. the lifeguard tells them it's a magic pool and shows them how to use it. the lifeguard runs towards the pool, jumps, yells "water", and 2 seconds later he's swimming in water. the 1st man says, "this isn't hard", runs towards the pool, yells "beer", and 2 seconds later he's swimming in beer. the 2nd man says, "that's not hard at all", runs towards the pool, yells "wine", and 2 seconds later he's swimming in wine. the 3rd man says "I can do that too", runs towards the pool, trips, yells "shit", and 2 seconds later... it's shorter in Dutch >.< Interesting there's a variant of that joke over here only it involves an Irishman, a magic slide and an unfortunate use of the exclamation "wheeeeeee" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack of the Dead Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 3 friends are in therapy for their addictions. One is an alcoholic, one is a chain smoker, and the other is a sex addict. The doctor comes out and shakes his head. he says to the Alcoholic, "Your body cannot withstand anymore alcohol. If you take another drink you will die." He goes to the smoker, "If you smoke another cigarette, even half a cigarette, you will die." He finally goes to the sex addict. "any type of sex and you die. So the three guys leave and while they are walking to their car, they pass a bar. The alcoholic looks at the bar and says. "guys, I can't take it. It's been a good life, But i need a drink. I'm sorry guys. It's been nice knowing you." He goes in, takes his drink, and dies. They guys decide to just go home then. What else could they do? As they stopped at a light, the chain smoker looks out the passenger window and sees a man smoking. He throws out half his cigarette on the ground next to their car. The smoker says, "Dude, I can't take it. I gotta have this last smoke." "Dude! Don't do it! The doctor said that if you even had a half a cigarette, you would die!" "I can help it. I got to have it." The sex addict turned and looked him in the eye. "If you bend over and pick up that cigarette, we both die." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fenrir Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 (edited) "If you bend over and pick up that cigarette, we both die." LOL that's good. Edited July 25, 2011 by Fenrir Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ansem Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 only joke I ever remembered; 3 men go to a pool, only the pool seems to be empty. the lifeguard tells them it's a magic pool and shows them how to use it. the lifeguard runs towards the pool, jumps, yells "water", and 2 seconds later he's swimming in water. the 1st man says, "this isn't hard", runs towards the pool, yells "beer", and 2 seconds later he's swimming in beer. the 2nd man says, "that's not hard at all", runs towards the pool, yells "wine", and 2 seconds later he's swimming in wine. the 3rd man says "I can do that too", runs towards the pool, trips, yells "shit", and 2 seconds later... it's shorter in Dutch >.< i lol'd Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erk Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 No one caught the watchmen reference. I shed a tear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phoenix Wright Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 This one time at band camp... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kintenbo Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 Women politicians. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack of the Dead Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 Women politicians. You mean Nancy PelOSHITWHYDIDSHEGETELECTED? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kintenbo Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 You mean Nancy PelOSHITWHYDIDSHEGETELECTED? All of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fenrir Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 All of them. This man speaks the truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack of the Dead Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 Nancy peloshit the most. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Original Alear Posted July 27, 2011 Share Posted July 27, 2011 Umm, here's a bar joke. A man walks into a bar and you know what forget it this joke sucks ass. Why do I find this even remotely funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kintenbo Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 All of them. I'd like to make an amendment. Gabrielle Giffords is an exception. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kriemhild Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 No one caught the watchmen reference. I shed a tear. So sorry, I haven't read Watchmen... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Original Alear Posted August 9, 2011 Share Posted August 9, 2011 So sorry, I haven't read Watchmen... It's about deism, something the founding fathers liked a lot, or at least a couple of the smartest ones. VERY good comic, OK but not great movie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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