SF's "Write Your Butt Off!" Writing Competition XV - Voting Thread

[blah the Prussian]

Well, here's the one for Snowy.

Okay, so for a first foray into alternate history, it isn't bad. The format is interesting (I take it it is meant to be a Wikipedia article?) and I like any world where the Romanovs survive. The main problem it has is believability. Firstly, the POD isn't very clear. It would seem to be Anastasia surviving, but some of what was described before that didn't happen historically; Rasputin was killed in 1916 by pissed off aristocrats, Anastasia never had Hemophilia (that was Alexei) and the Romanovs were actually out of power when the Bolsheviks took power. These differences ultimately do not make that much of a difference, however. Secondly, the whole section about the Monarchist revolt just seemed unneeded to me. There was already a civil war between the Reds and Whites going on when Anastasia was murdered; it would be fine to have it be that a surviving child of Nicholas II provided some much needed unity to an army that historically made Feminism seem monolithic. Some interesting challenges could erupt from there, too, like Anastasia trying to not merely be a puppet of the army officers who restored her to power. Finally, the entire Second World War just didn't feel realistic. First of all, Hitler would have preferred Israel on Germany's border to the Soviet Union, forget about a Monarchy. His entire modus operandi was based around hatred of Bolshevism. It is also for this reason that he would never forge an alliance with Soviet Russia. Secondly, assuming this Germany is the same Germany of our world in 1933, there is no way whatsoever it would be prepared to fight France. The German army was still limited to 100,000 men; Hitler was a deluded moron, but he wasn't that much of a deluded moron. Third, how on earth did Germany develop the Atomic Bomb in 1939, especially if it didn't have Einstein, which I assume it didn't, because Hitler is in power. Finally, the entire war itself suffered from a lack of detail. What was happening with Poland, Czechoslovakia, Austria, and all the other places Germany conquered? Second, what was Germany doing against France all that time, and how was it surviving? What I would recommend for this to be more plausible is to just have the Monarchy be restored by the Whites at the end of the RCW, and to have WWII go along as it did historically. The basic framework of the timeline is good, it just needs some more polish. Don't be discouraged, though, alternate history is very fun, and this was certainly a good start. This article has some pretty good althist writing tips: http://wiki.alternatehistory.com/doku.php/alternate_history/how_to_tl

Meanwhile, if you want inspiration for good ideas, the Alternate History forums are excellent. Timelines such as Look to the West and Decades of Darkness are some of the best stuff I've ever read. Just whatever you do, don't use S.M. Stirling's Draka for inspiration, as that is ridiculously bad. Once again, good start, and keep at it!

[Snowy_One]

Thank you. Though, when I did look up info on Anastasia, I would like to point out that it was noted that, while it wasn't conclusive, there was evidence to suggest that she had it too.

As for the bomb my notion was that, due to the increasing pressure on multiple fronts, Germany decided to go with smaller, untested, bombs in a last-ditch effort. America spent quite a while testing and developing theirs and building it from the ground up. As for WWII... Well... I was half-asleep and rushing to finish before crashing down on my keyboard and afraid I wouldn't make the deadline if I took a nap.

[Magical Glace]

Um... I'd love feedback for mine...

[Snowy_One]

I'd be glad to, just not yet. After dinner.

[blah the Prussian]

Thank you. Though, when I did look up info on Anastasia, I would like to point out that it was noted that, while it wasn't conclusive, there was evidence to suggest that she had it too.

As for the bomb my notion was that, due to the increasing pressure on multiple fronts, Germany decided to go with smaller, untested, bombs in a last-ditch effort. America spent quite a while testing and developing theirs and building it from the ground up. As for WWII... Well... I was half-asleep and rushing to finish before crashing down on my keyboard and afraid I wouldn't make the deadline if I took a nap.

Ah, that's fair enough. My submission for the talking weapon prompt suffered from the same thing. In any case, I didn't know that about Anastasia, but Rasputin was pretty unambiguously hired to help Alexei. Again, this didn't affect the overall story, as Alexei died anyway.

Edit: ninja'd!

Edited May 25, 2015 by blah2127

[Kriemhild]

My whole purpose of writing was to get feedback for my entry, so I would really appreciate it if anybody could provide some. I'd especially prefer harsh critical reviews that can show me which aspects (whether general or specific) need improvement.

I intend to review all the other entries once I get around to reading them. If, for some reason, you'd prefer that I don't review yours in the thread, let me know beforehand so I can PM you my feedback instead.

[Snowy_One]

Critique time!

Glaceon

The big problem here is that you're working with a world where no distinct history happened prior. It's hard to look back and say 'yea, that's what changed everything and look at how things turned out'. This isn't like the alternate world where Jaina followed Arthas to Northrend and ended up becoming the Lich Queen (and yes, that is real), or the timeline where Luke died causing Leia to become the new jedi master (also real), but a world which I am not familiar with in the slightest. As such... I kind of felt this was too... distant. A more defined world would have been great.

Blah

Honestly... this one deserved more attention but it had one major flaw. Too much of this felt like a documentary with little actual personality. This might have been the more realistic, possibly the most realistic, of the stories but it also felt like sitting down to watch a history show. Sure, some of the things were nice and I liked the writing, but I think you sacrificed enjoyability for reality here which... kind of made it annoying. Still, liked it a lot and it was very believable.

Ragged.

GAH! PUNCTUATION! USE IT!

Seriously! It's hard to make out what's going on just because it's hard to know where one character stopped talking and anything else happened! Between the OC world problems I listed before and the bad formatting I can't recommend this in the slightest! I'm not a grammar nazi but I should be able to at least distinguish who is saying what with ease! I'm not even sure 'Jenny' spoke!

Formina Sage

I... Really didn't get this one. Celebi didn't like the world where trainers and humans were... so it made a world where humans considered them monsters to be killed? I mean, sure, there are some rotten egg trainers out there, but the show, games, and everything else has made it clear that this is not how the Pokemon world is supposed to be. So Celebi saw some teen girl treating her Nidoqueen horribly... ignored the old lady trying to comfort... and made a new world? Huh? I might be looking too much into this or missing something, but this one seemed weird. Written well, but weird.

Also, what was the 'point of deviation'? Why did Pokemon and human-kind end up not working together?What caused the poke ball to, not only not be developed, but mankind to see pokemon entirely as monsters? Pokemon and trainers did work side by side before poke balls came around. Conquest, if I heard right, showed that in detal and the show has had plenty of examples of pokemon and humans working beside each-other. And how can one look at a skitty and think it a monster, or a bidoof and think it a threat?

Edited May 26, 2015 by Snowy_One

[eclipse]

Everyone gets critiques from me after the voting's over. Along with my own bit of writing (which you are all free to critique - that means anyone and everyone reading this).

[blah the Prussian]

@Snowy: Sorry, that was kind of what I was going for. It is formatted similar to some of the timelines on Alternate History.com, which I based it on. I can see it not appealing to some, though.

Edit: It had better be the most realistic, going up against Chrono Trigger, Fire Emblem, and Pokemon!

Edited May 26, 2015 by blah2127

[Ragged]

@Snowy: Sorry, that was kind of what I was going for. It is formatted similar to some of the timelines on Alternate History.com, which I based it on. I can see it not appealing to some, though.

Edit: It had better be the most realistic, going up against Chrono Trigger, Fire Emblem, and Pokemon!

For my money, I really enjoyed the story that was being told here - regardless of the form or format. And, I feel like I got a good sense of Hiro Osami and Rommel as characters in their segments.

[Ragged]

My whole purpose of writing was to get feedback for my entry, so I would really appreciate it if anybody could provide some. I'd especially prefer harsh critical reviews that can show me which aspects (whether general or specific) need improvement.

I intend to review all the other entries once I get around to reading them. If, for some reason, you'd prefer that I don't review yours in the thread, let me know beforehand so I can PM you my feedback instead.

This is just one broad criticism. Sometimes you use characters' dialogue to get across information about the world or backstory (especially Sharon's). This can get a little too transparently expository at times, and cause the dialogue to feel unnatural. I would think about if there were ways you could show the information - like through scenes of action - rather than telling us about it.

Also - and this goes out to anyone who reads this regardless of writing level - think hard about your characters' personalities, how to translate that personality into dialogue, and figure out what they would or wouldn't say (and how they would say it).

[blah the Prussian]

For my money, I really enjoyed the story that was being told here - regardless of the form or format. And, I feel like I got a good sense of Hiro Osami and Rommel as characters in their segments.

Thanks, I was worried that they'd just come off as talking heads as there were no opportunities for dialogue in the memoirs. I think Rommel was the only real person who got a semi narrative part.

[Kriemhild]

Formina Sage

I... Really didn't get this one. Celebi didn't like the world where trainers and humans were... so it made a world where humans considered them monsters to be killed? I mean, sure, there are some rotten egg trainers out there, but the show, games, and everything else has made it clear that this is not how the Pokemon world is supposed to be. So Celebi saw some teen girl treating her Nidoqueen horribly... ignored the old lady trying to comfort... and made a new world? Huh? I might be looking too much into this or missing something, but this one seemed weird. Written well, but weird.

It wasn't just one incident. As pointed out in the story, Celebi wanted a world of freedom for Pokemon. Sharon's perspective was used to illustrate the perspective of why a world where Pokeballs are heavily exploited is a world where Pokemon lose their freedom. Even if all trainers are nice and friendly, it doesn't change the fact that Pokemon still lose their freedom due to being empowered by the trainers through PokeBall technology. The Nidoqueen was simply an example to illustrate the lack of freedom that Pokemon have.

Celebi did not make a world where humans considered Pokemon as monsters to be killed. You probably misunderstood that part of the story. All Celebi did was go back in time and incite the events that would avert the creation of the PokeBall. Because PokeBall -> Peace but no freedom, and Celebi decided to go for a world of Freedom and let humans and Pokemons strive for Peace themselves. The whole thing about Hunters killing Monsters that went out of control had nothing to do with Celebi; it was how the entry depicted how humans would protect themselves from Pokemon in the past when Pokeballs were not there.

Also, what was the 'point of deviation'? Why did Pokemon and human-kind end up not working together?What caused the poke ball to, not only not be developed, but mankind to see pokemon entirely as monsters? Pokemon and trainers did work side by side before poke balls came around. Conquest, if I heard right, showed that in detal and the show has had plenty of examples of pokemon and humans working beside each-other. And how can one look at a skitty and think it a monster, or a bidoof and think it a threat?

The point of deviation was when Celebi called Glen to the clearing, which triggered the Loudred scream. What seemed to be an insignificant event ended up averting the creation of Pokeballs, which created a massive divergence in the future.

Mankind did not see ALL Pokemon as being monsters. Nobody would look at a Bidoof or a Skitty as a threat. Even the Hunters wouldn't consider them as hostile threats. And humans and Pokemon did work together (Trainers like Sharon), but the entry implied that it wasn't a very easy task and very few people could pull it off, since they lacked the convenience of Pokeballs.

As for why did Pokemon and human-kind end up not working together? Maybe I should clarify this further. In the past, before Pokeballs were created, how would humans react to a rampaging Tyranitar that causes a massive catastrophe? They would try to suppress it. That's where the Hunters come in. Now what if you have the opportunity to create PokeBalls? With how convenient Pokeballs are, you no longer need to rely on technology to fight Pokemon, you can just use Pokemon to fight other Pokemon. Furthermore, instead of killing the target, you can just capture them and "train" them. This was Glen's perspective, and this was also what the scientists wanted too.

But what if the PokeBall was never created? This entry also illustrated an alternative approach to suppress rampaging Monsters. Sharon took care of the Larvitar who convinced the Tyranitar to stop. This involved establishing emotional bonds between humans and Pokemon, which was not very easy at a time when PokeBalls didn't exist. Sharon was a rare example of someone who was able to pull something like this off. But if there is no PokeBall in existence, then the best way for humanity to deal with Pokemon would be through this approach of trying to bond with the Pokemon.

The third and final dream illustrated the new future, a future without Pokeballs where Trainers strived hard to get along with Pokemon and keep everything peaceful, without directly robbing the Pokemon of their freedom in the way Pokeballs would. This was the future that Celebi wanted, and the entry was trying to imply that this kind of future would be inevitable IF Pokeballs were not created. All Celebi did was avert the creation of Pokeballs.

In any case, if you misunderstood my entry, that means I didn't do a good job of actually clarifying it, sorry. I'll try to work on that more. Thank you for pointing this out to me.

@Snowy: Sorry, that was kind of what I was going for. It is formatted similar to some of the timelines on Alternate History.com, which I based it on. I can see it not appealing to some, though.

Edit: It had better be the most realistic, going up against Chrono Trigger, Fire Emblem, and Pokemon!

Uh, Glaceon's entry isn't about Chrono Trigger...

This is just one broad criticism. Sometimes you use characters' dialogue to get across information about the world or backstory (especially Sharon's). This can get a little too transparently expository at times, and cause the dialogue to feel unnatural. I would think about if there were ways you could show the information - like through scenes of action - rather than telling us about it.

Also - and this goes out to anyone who reads this regardless of writing level - think hard about your characters' personalities, how to translate that personality into dialogue, and figure out what they would or wouldn't say (and how they would say it).

Ah, yes, others have pointed out the same issue with my entry. The dialogue seems to be more like a narrative tool than actual narrative dialogue. This is an aspect that I'm trying to improve on. Thank you for your input.

Anyway, my own reviews of the other entries:

[spoiler=Glaceon]Very solid and interesting entry. I enjoyed reading this a lot. The writing was well-done, especially the segments with dialogues. You're really good with those. I also liked the theme about how the Historians valued the preservation of the timeline over the wellbeing of the human civilization. This portrayal really feels like an approproate example of the common conflicts between entrusted job responsibility vs helping mankind and society. Though I think the fact that Chrono didn't really intend to help the humans (he was kinda coerced by the mustache guy) kinda weakens that point of the story.

The entry also seemed to imply another theme, from when Chrono says "Which do you think the humans prefer? What they have? Or what was written?", about humans altering their own fate. However, I felt that this point was also kinda weak in the story because it wasn't humans themselves that altered their fate, but rather, it was a supernatural external entity (Historian) who came in and altered the fate for them. Humans didn't technically choose their future.

Also, I think the sudden shift in the perspective to the 50 Year Later scenes could've been a lot smoother. Also, since the two versions of the 50 Years Later scenes were supposed to contrast each other, I think Astra needed more attention for the rewritten version. In any case, this was a really nice entry and I liked it a lot.

[spoiler=blah]Minor stuff:

It is probable that after April of 1943 the Germans had no hope of winning the war. This assessment is probably correct.

"It is probable that... ...This assessment is probably correct." See the redundancy?

AN: This is part of the actual speech Hitler made. I got it from the Daily Telegraph. Credit goes to them. And Hitler, I suppose, but fuck that guy.

The last part actually made me smile, since the tone stood out so much from the rest of the entry (since it was an author's note). This is actually when I realized that you did a really good job of preserving the documentary-like form for everything else in the entry.

Anyway, I'm gonna be honest here. I'm not exactly a history enthusiast. Therefore, I actually had a really hard time actually reading your entry due to the documentary-like format of the presentation. Also, my utter ignorance about these stuff left me clueless as to what the prompted event was, and I was also unable to appreciate the divergence.

That being said, these issues are not your fault. It's just that your entry was geared to specific audiences, and I'm far from them. As such, I apologize for not being able to provide valuable feedback. Please don't let this discourage you, as I hope you can continue to write entries of this nature for this WriCom for your own practice and that the readers who are able to appreciate this style will be able to provide useful feedback too.

[spoiler=Snowy]Another entry based on history, which made it difficult to appreciate the divergence due to me being clueless about. Again, this is more of my fault for being ignorant. Anyway, although this entry was written like a narrative story, I couldn't really get invested into the story because of how... detached (?) the events felt. As in, aside from the italic sections (which were really good), everything else just felt like a report about the events that happened. There should be more insight on what Anastasia thought or felt, as opposed to just explaining all the events.

Another issue (which may be related) is that I am having a hard time finding any meaning in this story. Like, these events are pretty nice and all, but what is the relevance of conveying this story? There doesn't seem to be any theme or message or significance, aside from simply reporting a series of events. Maybe I'm missing it due to not actually knowing much of history to appreciate the divergence in this story, but even then, I'm not quite sure I can see the meaning behind a story about how Anastasis surviving due to small insignificant factors leads to a great divergence in history. Just because the round prompt demanded an insignificant event to act as the trigger doesn't mean that the overall entry as a whole should be insignificant as well.

Upon looking stuff up, I found that Anastasia was actually a real person, whose personality fits those of the story, and there were, indeed, rumors about her surviving and even the existence of other women who claimed to have been her which is consistent with the story. This is actually really amazing, since it shows that you really did your research and constructed this story based on actual known information, resulting in a story that could have realistically become our history. Good job on that!

[spoiler=Ragged]The writing style of this entry was really unique, though I would have to question its practicality. I'm not quite sure why such a story was presented in such a format, through the dialogues of a single person only, with absolutely no other content whatsoever. As unique as this style may be, I really can't see any advantages of such a presentation. Unless I'm missing a really fundamental aspect in the story, which leads to my next point.

I really can't understand what's going on. Like, I get there's a County Fair and I can kinda follow the conversations (despite only one side being illustrated), but then once the fire starts, everything starts going crazy. Six eyes, glowing with white light, a throne out of lawnmower blades, etc, what the heck just happened? It reminds me of Umineko Arc 2's ending. Either way, I don't have a clue what's going on, and attempts to reread it at separate instances did not yield any useful conclusions. I'm sure you must have some kind of deeper meaning, instilled through hints placed around the entry, but I'm not competent enough to be able to decipher it, sorry.

[spoiler=Summer]Yet another entry where everthing is told through a single character's perspective, with absolutely no other visible content in the story. Maybe this style isn't so unique after all. In this case, however, I can see the purpose behind writing the entry like this. It does a very effective job of conveying Micaiah's thoughts and feelings while she is an incredibly unstable and irrational mental state that just keeps getting worse as the entries continue. Her perspective was conveyed very well in this entry.

This entry, however, suffers from the same issue as Ragged's entry, in that I still have no clue what's going on. It wasn't until about one-third into the entry that I realized that the person she killed at the start was Sothe, but I still can't understand what circumstances led to that. And this kinda applies to most of the entry, in that I just can't understand what's going on that's inciting these reactions, besides the fact that Micaiah is irrational without Sothe. I assume that the point of this entry was to show how Micaiah goes crazy if Sothe is out of the picture, but I fail to comprehend the events that are depicted in this entry that are supposed to illutrate this point.

Edited May 30, 2015 by Formina Sage

[eclipse]

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

Summer and Formina Sage are tied! Tiebreaker voting will end on Sunday, May 31 at 9:00 PM HST. I may be a bit late, though, so sit tight!

Summer and Formina Sage, please think about what you want as a prompt! The winner will determine the next writing contest theme! If you'd like, you two can PM me, and I'll post it when time's up.

Edited May 30, 2015 by eclipse

[blah the Prussian]

@Formina Sage: Derp. I am clueless about Chrono Trigger, so when I saw the name Chrono I suppose I just naturally thought it was a Chrono Trigger fanfic. My fault. In any case, I see what you're saying, and I do actually have an ongoing story here that is very similar to my entry in format. Thanks for the feedback.

[Magical Glace]

Aww, I didn't even get the chance to see who voted for me...

[Rapier]

So far, I've liked both fics, but Formina Sage's let me have a better view and feel of the characters, while Summer's didn't. I suppose if there were dialogues or depictions of the scenes they were in (see blah and Snowy's stories), this wouldn't be an issue.

[Snowy_One]

It wasn't just one incident. As pointed out in the story, Celebi wanted a world of freedom for Pokemon. Sharon's perspective was used to illustrate the perspective of why a world where Pokeballs are heavily exploited is a world where Pokemon lose their freedom. Even if all trainers are nice and friendly, it doesn't change the fact that Pokemon still lose their freedom due to being empowered by the trainers through PokeBall technology. The Nidoqueen was simply an example to illustrate the lack of freedom that Pokemon have.

Celebi did not make a world where humans considered Pokemon as monsters to be killed. You probably misunderstood that part of the story. All Celebi did was go back in time and incite the events that would avert the creation of the PokeBall. Because PokeBall -> Peace but no freedom, and Celebi decided to go for a world of Freedom and let humans and Pokemons strive for Peace themselves. The whole thing about Hunters killing Monsters that went out of control had nothing to do with Celebi; it was how the entry depicted how humans would protect themselves from Pokemon in the past when Pokeballs were not there.

While this does explain it better I don't think it invalidates the main problem. Namely that humans and pokemon have been shown to have worked together just fine in the past before the poke ball came about as well as having shown them get along perfectly well in the modern era without the need for poke balls. It just seems like a massive overreaction to the setting.

On a semi-side note I remember seeing a theory once that said that pokemon are at their healthiest and best when they are allowed to battle. So much so that it even surpasses what diet and exercise can provide. However, out in the wilds this can lead to many negative things and often results in predator/prey outcomes. By being close to humans who only rarely desire to kill pokemon, especially ones with trainers, are allowed to fight and grow stronger with the threat of death and lasting injury greatly diminished. While this is only a fan theory (and not mine) I do think it's an interesting explanation for how the pokemon world turned out the way it did.

[eclipse]

We have a winner! I will post Formina Sage's prompt in the actual writing competition topic!

I'll save critiques for later. I haven't had my dinner yet!

EDIT: Oh, and my "entry".

Title: Interference

Words: ~1570

Universe: The Legend of Heroes: Trails in the Sky

Other notes: Minor spoilers, but they're not particularly blatant

Liam hummed happily, as his monitor played what looked like a movie. A little girl walked on a cobbled street. Her brown pigtails swayed merrily as she toddled towards a tall building. The rhythm was rudely interrupted when she lost her balance and tripped over a rock. She rolled over, the shock of the impact keeping her silent. Slowly, she got to her feet, and stumbled a few steps forward, before falling down again. As a woman ran towards the fallen girl, a single red light turned on, right above the monitor.

"HEY!" A black-clad man yelled at Liam, whose head jerked up from the screen. "We've got a divergence in progress." The man's finger pushed a button, and the scene froze.

"A divergence? But nothing seems out of place over here!" Liam protested.

"Most of the divergences are minor, and don't result in any major changes to history. Every now and then, an alternate timeline tries to superimpose itself over the proper one. Your job is to note where this happens, so we can fix it. Understood?" Liam hastily grabbed a notepad and pen, and jotted down the name of the stream and the location of the divergence.

The black-clad man pushed the button again, and the scene resumed. Through the fine bits of static that peppered the screen, the woman carried the girl back down the street. Another screen, which displayed various names, focused in on a single name.

"Lena Bright seems to be the woman's name," the man in black muttered. "Take down whatever appears in red, too. Like her date of death." Liam's eyebrows knitted, as he took down her new date of death, which was set sometime in the future, instead of when the divergence occurred. This time, Liam unpaused the stream.

The scene faded out, and focused in on what appeared to be a dining room, complete with the woman who appeared to be Lena and the little girl, who'd grown up a bit. Unlike the previous feed, this one had sound.

"Your father's coming home today," Lena stated, her eyes on the pot in front of her.

"That's great! When I grow up, I'm gonna be a soldier, just like him! I'll get to protect the Queen an' everyone else!" the girl replied enthusiastically.

As the girl trotted towards Lena, the profile monitor emitted a dull beep. Liam paused the feed, and looked up at his boss. The older man's face almost matched the color of his greying sideburns.

"That sound from the profile monitor means that multiple people's histories have been altered. But I can't figure out what was supposed to happen, or why." Liam's boss unpaused the feed, and took the notebook and pen from his subordinate. "This was supposed to be your training stream, but something's gone horribly wrong. Until we find out what happened, I'll take notes."

The feed skipped, before refocusing on the front door of a house. The girl ran about in the yard, humming to herself. Suddenly, one of the bushes rustled. The girl's pigtails trailed behind her as she ran towards the noise. She stiffened and fell over, blood pooling underneath her. From the bushes, a boy appeared. He regarded the girl's corpse, no expression apparent in his hazel eyes. Then, he turned his back on her and walked into the house. The scene froze, and Liam's boss cursed under his breath.

"Oh, now it cooperates," the older man grumbled, as Liam caught a glimpse of two profiles.

"Estelle Bright, deceased today," Liam muttered to himself. "And Lena's date of death is the same as Estelle's."

"That's just the info I needed," Liam's boss said glumly, as the stream restarted.

A man in full military uniform paused outside of the house. His gaze fell towards the pool of blood near the bushes, and the trail that led towards the front door. He cautiously opened the front door, and cried out as he saw the girl and the woman at the table. The girl's pigtails fell stiffly to the left, and the woman's eyes stared at the ceiling. In a single fluid motion, the man's sword came out of its sheathe, and he parried the boy's strike. The man looked at the boy, whose knife was splattered with blood. The boy looked back at the man, no emotion in his face. With a yell, the man swung his sword down, splitting the boy's skull in half. Then, the man darted upstairs.

"Joshua, deceased today," Liam read off, as several sirens blared. By now, a couple of Liam's coworkers had gathered around the screen. This was a major divergence, and they were quite rare at the Gateway of History.

"Hey, restart the feed already," Oliver, one of the other workers, whined.

"Not until I'm done!" Liam's boss snapped, the pen furiously flying across the pages of the notebook.

"Just how many different profiles were hit by this?" Theresa wondered out loud. The divergent stream flowed again.

"Cassius Bright was scheduled to return home three days ago," the first figure said to the second one. "But instead we found the bodies, over here. Two were on the chairs, and one was near the doorway. The bodies at the table were identified as Lena Bright and Estelle Bright, his wife and daughter."

"There's no way he'd kill his family!" the second figure yelled, stamping his foot for emphasis.

"The third corpse has not been identified, as the blow that killed him disfigured his face," the first figure continued. "The Brights have been buried in the church cemetery. The unknown corpse has been cremated."

"But who could've killed them, and why did they prop the Brights up at the dining room table?" the second figure wondered aloud. "And what about that pool of blood near the bushes?"

"It appears that one of them was killed outside, then brought into the house. A bloody blade was found in the house. We think that the boy was a friend of Estelle's, and an intruder broke into their house and killed them. As Cassius was an important figure, it could be for any number of reasons." The first figure walked out, as the second figure examined the chairs again.

"Huh, so I'm supposed to hammer out a conclusion based on so little evidence?" the second figure mused.

"Hey, you're in a restricted area!" The second figure turned, as three men in military uniforms approached. "Civilians are not permitted here!"

"But I'm a Bracer! We've been called to investigate--" One of the military men held up a hand.

"Bracers? PAH. You're nothing more than civilian vigilantes who don't know when to keep to themselves. This is military business!" The two others in military uniforms grabbed the self-proclaimed Bracer and dragged him out of the room.

"At least the military and Bracer's Guild are at odds with each other," Oliver commented, his eyes on the profile screen. "Some things never change."

"I think that's enough information," Liam's boss stated, shaking out his writing hand. "It looks like Lena died much later than she should've, and Estelle and Joshua died much earlier. Furthermore, I nabbed this bit from Cassius' profile."

"Huh. Cassius wasn't supposed to be in the military?" Theresa mused. "Why would that be important?"

"I managed to save a bit of Cassius' employment history before the divergence overwrote it. Here." Liam's boss held the notebook open.

"He resigned shortly after the divergence, in the unaltered timeline," Liam read off. "And in this one, it's shortly after his family was murdered. Or rather, he disappeared."

"Didn't that Lena chick live longer than she was supposed to?" Oliver asked. "Perhaps her death caused him to resign?"

"Did you get any other information from the unaltered timeline?" Theresa asked.

"I managed to record this," Liam said, as he took the notebook from his boss' hands and flipped to another page.

"Why is Estelle's occupation listed as Bracer?!" Liam's boss blurted out. "She clearly said she wanted to join the military!"

"She'd have less reason to, if her father resigned," Theresa said, stroking her chin. Liam's boss' eyes never left the notebook.

"Cassius' date of death isn't flashing red, like everyone else's," Oliver noted. "Estelle would need time to grow up before she joined the Bracers. So the boy must not have killed either of them in the original timeline."

"Joshua's date of death was outlined in red," Liam added. "So he wasn't supposed to die on that day, either."

"We know how things changed," Liam's boss said sternly. "And we know where they changed. The question is WHAT."

"Didn't Lena's progress stop when she reached her daughter? What if Estelle never tripped?"

Liam's boss beamed. "Good one, Liam. That means we need to clear the road of debris right before Estelle runs down. Let's move!"

Edited June 1, 2015 by eclipse

[blah the Prussian]

Can you review our stories as well?

[eclipse]

GLORIOUS FREE TIME~!

Glaceon - Names aside, it was a gutsy take on the prompt! The only thing I don't understand is how Chrono could see. . .well, anything in that jail cell.

blah - I think your writing style is more suited to this kind of prompt! However, I also think it would've helped if you'd mentioned what exactly changed in your alternate history, as the Rape of Nanking is. . .kinda traumatic for an independent research subject. My guess is the Germans refusing to hand over the civilians. If I had a vote, I would've given one to you.

Snowy - Russian politics are completely over my head, but I can figure out where your discrepancy was! I'm somewhat surprised that anyone would recognize Anastasia after so many years - people change as they grow! If there were three votes, you would've gotten one.

Ragged - I think the thing that hurt you the most is the formatting. The breaks between the sections are fine, but the sections themselves seem smooshed together. Gil's character was communicated nicely through the narrative, but there were a bunch of other names that I wasn't sure about - I guess they're his co-workers? Lastly. . .I, uh, couldn't figure out what caused the change, but I'm pretty sure that the town being turned into some freaky apocalyptic setting wasn't supposed to happen? It was an interesting piece, regardless!

Summer - Has been banned for expounding on the alternate history of Tellius better than I did Ahem. . .other than not understanding why Pelleas didn't surrender sooner, I felt that this was really well-written. If I had a vote, it would've gone here!

Formina Sage - For an "unknown" Pokemon, there's a lot of assumption about Celebi! Still, reading a Pokemon-but-not-quite fic was interesting!

[blah the Prussian]

@ Eclipse: No, it was actually the Japanese noticing. Historically they didn't and some ridiculous number of Chinese were saved. Thank you for the compliment, also.

[Magical Glace]

Glaceon - Names aside, it was a gutsy take on the prompt! The only thing I don't understand is how Chrono could see. . .well, anything in that jail cell.

You mean looking at the wall?

...Do a lot of people go blind in jail?

Alternately, I could just say he's a supernatural entity and leave it at that.

Regarding names, yeah, they're all over the place in entymology. I wanted a consistent theme with the Historian naming, that theme being time, which resulted in Greek first names and a Japanese surname.

And yeah, trying to convey the world fully enough that the divergence was notable took quite a bit of effort.

[eclipse]

You mean looking at the wall?

...Do a lot of people go blind in jail?

You showed the divergence, but I was under the impression that Chrono got to see his results.

[Magical Glace]

You showed the divergence, but I was under the impression that Chrono got to see his results.

Oh

He knew something had to be drastically different for his execution to be carried out. And being a Historian, he did have a "it wasn't pretty" general idea about the original outcome, even if he wasn't a good student.

So in short, he inferred.