Serenes Forest Scribbles 2016. Winners announced!

[Sunwoo]

10 minutes ago, SoulWeaver said:

Yo, Tangerine, do you have the final results for the Writes? I wanted to see how it all ended up, but the topics seem to be gone.

First place was Dragonson. Second place was Too Much Not Enough. Third place was Cages.

[Xaos Steel Wing]

6 hours ago, eclipse said:

As for my story, here's the summary of critiques:

- Wist merely mentioned what my story was about
- Jotari didn't say anything
- EllGee was the only one that had something of note, and that was the ending, which I will explain.  My story is quite literally Paralogue 1, no more (compare her dialogue with Corrin to the actual game script).  For whatever reason, she's absolutely fine with her mother being pounded to a paste, then joining up.  Realistically, she'd probably go with Corrin to make sure that she didn't die to the Faceless, then stick around because she has a new, crippling fear of being alone.  Since this was also Paralogue 1, I couldn't make mention of the nights she woke up screaming, because she saw her mother's death in her dreams, or how she puked after she killed her first person, or how she instinctively freezes after seeing a Faceless, something that she never quite got over (which nearly killed Silas, who ran to save her).  Much as I'd love to do a full psychological evaluation of everyone's favorite village girl, that's outside of the scope of the story.

So, I want an explanation.

Which story was yours again? I keep getting names mixed up. I'll provide an in-depth critique if you wish.

[eclipse]

39 minutes ago, XaosLogos said:

Which story was yours again? I keep getting names mixed up. I'll provide an in-depth critique if you wish.

Sure. Grief and Resolve.

[Tangerine]

WRITES:

1. Dragonson by @SpareTimeEntertainment

2. Too Much Not Enough by @starlies

3. Cages by @Thane

These are the written works' final rankings for those who asked. Congrats guys!

And loving all of the discourse, as always!

[EllJee]

5 hours ago, TheFreelancerSeal said:

[...]When something goes that deep, it's hard to change. As for nurturing my ideas, what I meant was I find no point in letting them grow. It starts with an idea, but to me, nurturing it means taking the time to let it grow into words, then sculpting and working them into the finished draft. The ideas still come, but I find myself wondering why I should let them grow beyond ideas.

[...]I'd probably be too afraid to find a writer's circle, since most of them would probably look down on me, not that I'd blame them for it.

[...]That piece of advice is interesting to me, mainly because it's the complete opposite of how I'd view things. To me, the grade is what gives the work its validation and its meaning. Going back into student mode, to me the effort never meant much to me on a test, but rather the grade saying the effort was worth it.

In order, then.

 

You're familiar with the old joke, right? How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh, just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change. This is part of your hang-up. Yes, things are hard to change. For me, at least (and I won't burden the board with my own issues here), that's quite clear. But you won't ever change if you don't try. Why let your ideas grow beyond ideas? For their own merit.

As far as finding a writer's circle goes, I should remind you of the difference between critique and criticism. Pointing out the flaws in a written work is not the same thing as attacking the writer, and suggesting concrete ways to improve is not the same thing as "I hated it, it sucked." Any writer's circle worth its members knows this. The entire idea of a writer's circle, or a workshop, is that everyone is like you: hoping to improve. Nobody should be looking down on anyone else. If they do, it's a problem with those members, not the idea of a writer's circle itself. Just find another one.

And about tests...

Spoiler

Grades are arbitrary. Once you get a handle on basic statistics, you realize that a grade has very little meaning in and of itself. Trust me on this; from an administrative standpoint, the not-really-a-secret is that grades don't mean much per student. Think about it: If you ace a test with zero effort... what's the grade mean? The effort wasn't worth it because there WAS no effort. A grade tells you how much of a certain set of information you retained and regurgitated as per someone else's just-as-arbitrary criteria, given how well you felt the day you took the test AND how lenient the instructor felt while grading it, plus a whole slew of other variables that actually have nothing to do with you as the student. Grades represent how well you can fit the mold; they don't actually represent how much you learned. We can't statistically assess that with the tools we have, as that's a neurological thing; all we can do is grade what you give back on paper.

It's the problem with grade inflation, and my solution is as follows: When I first started out teaching, my department required me to construct my syllabi under the constraint that a C is average--according to how the grading scale really should work. Got that? A C is average. A C means "You have fulfilled the requirements of this assignment." The bare minimum requirements of the assignment have been done to specification, and you get a C for that. A B means you've done it well. An A means you've done it so well that you've gone above and beyond what was asked of you and surprised the instructor; an A means you stood THAT FAR ABOVE what the expectations were of students at your expected level.

What's a grade good for, then? We're required to assign them to prove that students have the information given them that we've been told to give them (an outdated model of how classrooms should work, by the way), such that they can perform to-spec on standardized tests, thereby earning the school money and relieving their parents' fears of mediocrity.

A grade is not validation for your work on a test or a justification of effort any more than it is a way to categorize students for the ease of administrative purposes. Grades are a fake award with no meaning given to a student so the school can keep getting money. (I'm a little bitter; can you tell?) Grades are the gold stars and trophies given to athletes no matter what team they're on. What's the value of a trophy? None, in and of itself.

Athletes don't play their sport for the trophies--those are just there so they can earn MONEY playing their sport. No, they play their sport because they enjoy doing so--and they get good at it because that's what they spend their time doing. That's ALL they spend their time doing. It's a day job. Like professional musicians. Don't practice? Can't perform. If you're not writing because you like writing, then it's okay if you set it aside for now. But if you love writing? That's all the reason you need to keep going, and screw anyone who tells you not to just because your work doesn't satisfy some arbitrary criteria--including yourself and your own. XD

[Nym]

Since the vote is over, I can post the references of my story for those who read my story or are interested (like for @Wist I think?)

Spoiler

• Both Rezzy and Chloey are characters based of 2 members of SF, Rezzy being obviously @Rezzy and Chloey being @TheSilentChloey, althought the latter is more based on the character that Chloey made for her Awakening story.
• Nym is of course, me
• The ''Open Sesame'' tome is based of the magic phrase of ''Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves''.
• The stuffed animal that Nym made for Rezzy's baby is a reference to Eevee, obviously.
• Mugemin is a reference/parody of the Crimson Mage Megumin, from the anime Konosuba.
• Both Tristan and Harve are based of two of my IRL friends.
• Harve's design is based of the character Genji from Overwatch
• Flona is a reference/parody of the useless Goddess and Arch priest, Aqua from the anime Konosuba.
• Light is a reference/parody of the masochist crusader Darkness, from the anime Konosuba
• Knil (I wrote Kril by accident oops) is a reference to Link from the Legend of Zelda
• Aryl is a reference to Ariel, Link's little sister in the Wind Waker.
• The song that Chloey sings is a parody of the song ''Be a man'' in Mulan
• The 2 maids are a reference to both Ram and Rem from the anime Re:Zero
• ''Look like the cavalry is here'' phrase from the red maid is a reference to Tracer's (from Overwatch) favorite catchphrase: ''Cheers, love! The cavalry's here!''

I'll post the story tommorow (a more corrected version this time).

Edited April 17, 2017 by Nym
Added a reference that I forgot

[Jotari]

So for those who didn't see my feedback because it was buried in the forum, here's everything compiled together now. I also decided to throw out some feedback on the ones I didn't comment on before just for the sake of completion. * means its one of the stories I voted for.

Spoiler

A Greater Cause feedback *

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Overall a good story with a nice clear message but the writing is a little patchy. The biggest problem is how frequently Lucia's name is mentioned. It feels like it's every sentence or close to it. Pronouns are there for a reason. We know who the main character is, it doesn't need to be reasserted so much. Especially when she's the only female in the story. There's some other minor things like using the word primal to finish two consecutive scenes or saying it was the sword she used 'moments' ago when she's had enough time to run to her room, change clothes, freak out and wash herself. Don't take the criticism to harshly though it's mostly just pedantic over anaylisis. Overall the story was enjoyable.

 

A Shiver From Beyond the Grave *

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Don't be afraid to use the word "Said." It can certainly be overused and looks very hackneyed when it is but it can be under used too. Replacing it with words like "Comforted" or "Chastised" works every now and then but too much makes the writing seem stiff and unnatural. The scene where they say goodbye to Hugh probably works best in this regard as it describes expressions before going on to say who's talking.

I don't see any point of the scene where they wake up on the mountain. It just reasserts already known information (and in a very expository way with the lines like "My pursuit for knowledge is never ending" said to a character who knows this full well and is criticising him for that trait) and doesn't add anything new. You might need something there so they don't arrive at the shrine too quickly but it needs to be something of value. In fact the story might better off if you cut the entire beginning entirely and just start at the shrine. Aside from establishing Hugh is in the town, nothing before hand is really all that vital and that is where the action begins so to speak.

On the good side, there were some pretty good descriptions, particularly in the second half. I'm also quite fond of fanfics that can solidly fit in canon, describing events implied or mentioned in the series but never actually seen.

 

A Soulweaver's Journey

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Going to eco Eclipse on this one. The formatting on this one definitely needs fixing. Not only is the font to small and irregular but, at least on my browser, practically everything is on the one line making it a massive block of text rather a neat set of paragraphs.

 

Anna's Surprise

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A sweet little tale but honestly not all that surprising. In this case I think it could do with being a bit longer and getting into a formula. It sort of has one with the characters Robin meets but then it kind of comes to a close before it has a chance to really be engaging. I could imagine it as a nice picture book though.

Also the red hair on Robin's face when he wakes up, is that his? I kind of thought it was Anna's going due to the title but then she's presented as being there suddenly. Kind of weird given how no other characters get any physical descriptions.

 

Azel's Epilogue *

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"There were literary dozens of cultists laying low at every corner" Gives me the image of scholars reading in the darkness and looking up and saying "Do you mind!" as Arthur approaches. XD This one could do with another few read throughs, there's quite a few syntax mistakes ("Lady Aideen's weeding" is another particularly amusing one). Normally it's not something I'd mention but it's quite communion this story.

Bit confused with the scene with Alvis and Azel. Is this some alternate history where the Balhalla massacre didn't happen? Bloom was Tailto's brother and he managed to become a king just fine so I don't see how her being Reptor's daughter would make her a bad match in any way. Unless this is some kind of conversation held mere hours before the massacre when Sigurd and co were resting, which still wouldn't explain why Alvis is against the match (and wouldn't Azel already be married at this point?)

Anyway writing mistakes aside it is a good story. I feel as if it is grasping at something important. I'm not sure if it's intentional but there's some good irony with Azel being distant from his son and Victor's own lack of presence in Azel's life (by virtue of being dead but I doubt he'd be all that involved if h wasn't). Arthur's refusal to let Azel take the dukedom surprised me and I do enjoy being surprised by a work.

 

Battle of Alucia

Spoiler

The present tense is really odd. Doesn't seem like there's really much use in it and there are moments when it deviates. The Open Sesame tome did get a genuine chuckle out of me though.

 

Beyond the Horizon

Spoiler

Well that's coincidental, two Canas death stories in one tournament. Begs a comparison even if it's unfair. Overall this one was noticeably less predictable. However in a way that made it  lot more random than it could have been. Cana's wife showing up kind of came out of nowhere and the fact that she didn't have a name was really awkward. I think I might like Beyond the Veil better overall but this one does seem to have more competent writing (the sense of the snow storm was maintained really well throughout). I should not that fire time bias might also be in effect which is a shockingly powerful thing.

 

Cages*

Spoiler

There's something absolutely wonderful about a supposed friend, as close as family, feeling bitter hatred towards someone who is naive about their feelings. I think it's what they wanted to go with with Fiora in Fates but it was just too subtle and had no real pay off (even though you can fight and effectively kill her). Great story (though maybe on a little long side) overall. It's mainly made me slightly more upset with Fate's writing. The whole maid character is so popular in Japanese media at the moment, if they had fully delved into this characterisation it would have been a magnificent subversion.

 

Dragon Son

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Be careful with the flowery language. It can add a certain amount of style but overuse of it can seem very unnatural. Nothing is really added to the story by saying "they reconnoitred Roy's room" over "they searched Roy's room". The second is not only easier understood by the reader but also more accurate. Overall this was a very long story. Far longer than it needs to be. Most of the stories so far have been about 7,000 words by my estimate, this was over 17,000 and it really didn't need to be. It also lost a bit of focus by starting it's view point with Lillina, then moving to Eliwood and then on to Roy (but generally focusing on everyone). Unless you have reason to swap between viewpoints, you generally shouldn't do it. It could have been a story told entirely through Roy or Eliwood's eyes but by splitting the focus in the opening scenes and introducing the story through Lillina's eyes, you made it a lot less clear what the story is actually about. By far it was at its strongest during the middle when the entire cast was gathered together and actually exploring an issue, rather than wandering around having cameos from FE6 characters. I think if that section was presented in isolation with only some mild context editing at the start, it would be a better piece than the overall work. Not that the other bits are bad pre se (I rathe like Eliwood's conversation with Guinevere), it's just that I think the story lacks cohesion overall and becomes bloated with so many non crucial scenes.

I also question why Eliwood didn't immediately tell Roy his mother was a dragon when he was freaking out thinking he was being cursed or punished for using the legendary weapons.

 

 

Fairy Tale Ending

Spoiler

I am quite fond of the whole Alvis Deirdre Sigurd story so this was a pleasant read but overall it was a bit too short to get any real feel for it.

 

FE7 Epic

Spoiler

So this one is pretty obviously hard to critique properly given that it's overall style is vastly different from basically anything else. I feel like and flaw I try to point out could be a intentional homage to the way epic poems are which I just don't have enough familiarity with (for now).

 

Echoes From Time

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Futureristic Fire Emblem makes for a nice breath of fresh air, though I feel like the stories missing a bit of meat to it. It's just some brief battle scenes. Not bad per se but jut not really impactful. Also think you missed a great opportunity to establish the time frame by describing Tiki with a more aged appearance. And die Aeon somehow manage to forget she was armed when she was first cornered?

 

Fire Emblem Generations

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Seems strange you'd specify Hecto's wife but not Eliwood. It also seems illogical that he'd stop to put on his armour when he sees a fire. It's not really the most practical thing for fighting flames and it takes a while to put on.

 

Grief and Resolve

Spoiler

My feelings on this are pretty similar to what my feelings on last year's star entry was. It was also pretty brief which is not something I want to say in a way that makes it look like I'm complaining (being too long is something I've criticized a lot of the stories for), being short isn't a bad thing, it does mean however that there's less to latch onto and really talk about.

 

History of Johanna

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Be careful with tenses.  There was a lot of mixing between past and present her for no discernible reason.

 

I'd Do Anything

Spoiler

I like pacifism but I really don't know what to say with this story. It was lacking in some department but I'm just not sure where.

 

In His Lonely Footsteps *

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Good physical description of Nabarl and a great twist. Unfortunately though after given it like half a minute worth of thought I cam to the conclusion that the twist means the first half of the story makes no sense. I also feel like if someone hasn't played the game then they'd be a little lost. You might also want to work on giveing a sense of setting better too. Aside from the first few lines the characters could be seaking in a void of nothingness for what it's worth.

 

No Longer Human *

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Why did Ziharkvthrow away his iron sword? I get that you wanted him to get tge Killing Edge but...swords still cost money. Its really strange for someone to throw their weapon right off a cliff even as a show of peace, given the context at any rate.

I found some of the references to other characters very contrived, with the exception of Haar. His role in the story, while brief, managed to come across as very nuanced and complex. And made good sense in being present.

 

Pray to the Dark*

Spoiler

Of all the stories I didn't comment on the first time round, this is the one I wanted to say something the most about but I just couldn't pin that exactly what I liked and didn't like about it. My feelings were pretty polarizing overall but in the end I did decide to vote for it so it must have been doing something right.

 

The Kindling Flame

Spoiler

The story kind of just happened and that was it. I don't feel like it had any real focus beyond just suggesting a backstory. If someone's father suddenly decides to murder them then I think that's something worth focusing on but here everything just sort of happened.

 

The Path of Conquest and Dragon Pokemon

Spoiler

Bizarre. That really just sums up all my opinions. Not good, not bad, not boring, not funny. Just...bizarre.

 

The Prince of Verdane *

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The tike skips at the start were sort of weird. They were so sudden and large, and all the information within them was repeated later on. However, I do give credit for emulating the writing style of Genealogy of Holy War very well. A lot of the text here does seem like something you could find in the game. Unfortunately while the very expository style of writing works in a game where you have to get information out fast to explain why certain troops are deploying, it doesn't really work as well with a vanilla reading. I did start imagining the story being literally in the game but then Cimbeath's monologue, i.e. the bulk of the story, was so much longer and more detailed then you'd actually get in the game, that it broke my suspension of disbelief.  All in all the story is being pulled in two different direction. It would work better being slowly told over several sections of the game rather than all at once like that (and I don't just mean that based on the time skip but the monologue too. A line like "You fled like a mouse. You ain’t our prince" would work better as a piece of optional text from a  villager). It is interesting to think of Verdane during the intervening years and Gen 2 which gets very little focus after Chapter 1 and you did an excellent job in giving Cimbeath a distinct voice.

 

The Value of Refuse

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A bit strange to have it in a play style format but also describe inner thoughts so unsubtly.

 

Too Much, Not Enough

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Plot twist managed to catch me off guard and I rather liked it for that fact. The title is also great.

Actually I can't remember if I voted for In His Lonely Footsteps but looking back on it now if I didn't then I should have. Overall I think my favorite entry was Azel's Epilogue despite the massive amount of errors that came with it. I guess that sums up my voting pattern overall. The ones that intrigued me the most got my vote over the ones that were technically the best written.

 

Oh yeah and something I meant to say the first time but forgot to (as my original comment was deleted long story) regarding Dragonson, sweet and all but...wouldn't Eliwood feel just a tiny bit put out about his wife sharing their most private and intimate family moments with hundreds of other people without telling him? I'd certainly have mixed feelings if I suddenly discovered my decease wife had a camera in every room of my house life streaming our entire life XD

Edited April 17, 2017 by Jotari

[SoulWeaver]

8 minutes ago, Jotari said:

So for those who didn't see my feedback because it was buried in the forum, here's everything compiled together now. I also decided to throw out some feedback on the ones I didn't comment on before just for the sake of completion. * means its one of the stories I voted for.

  Reveal hidden contents

A Greater Cause feedback *

  Reveal hidden contents

Overall a good story with a nice clear message but the writing is a little patchy. The biggest problem is how frequently Lucia's name is mentioned. It feels like it's every sentence or close to it. Pronouns are there for a reason. We know who the main character is, it doesn't need to be reasserted so much. Especially when she's the only female in the story. There's some other minor things like using the word primal to finish two consecutive scenes or saying it was the sword she used 'moments' ago when she's had enough time to run to her room, change clothes, freak out and wash herself. Don't take the criticism to harshly though it's mostly just pedantic over anaylisis. Overall the story was enjoyable.

 

A Shiver From Beyond the Grave *

  Reveal hidden contents

Don't be afraid to use the word "Said." It can certainly be overused and looks very hackneyed when it is but it can be under used too. Replacing it with words like "Comforted" or "Chastised" works every now and then but too much makes the writing seem stiff and unnatural. The scene where they say goodbye to Hugh probably works best in this regard as it describes expressions before going on to say who's talking.

I don't see any point of the scene where they wake up on the mountain. It just reasserts already known information (and in a very expository way with the lines like "My pursuit for knowledge is never ending" said to a character who knows this full well and is criticising him for that trait) and doesn't add anything new. You might need something there so they don't arrive at the shrine too quickly but it needs to be something of value. In fact the story might better off if you cut the entire beginning entirely and just start at the shrine. Aside from establishing Hugh is in the town, nothing before hand is really all that vital and that is where the action begins so to speak.

On the good side, there were some pretty good descriptions, particularly in the second half. I'm also quite fond of fanfics that can solidly fit in canon, describing events implied or mentioned in the series but never actually seen.

 

A Soulweaver's Journey

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Going to eco Eclipse on this one. The formatting on this one definitely needs fixing. Not only is the font to small and irregular but, at least on my browser, practically everything is on the one line making it a massive block of text rather a neat set of paragraphs.

 

Anna's Surprise

  Reveal hidden contents

A sweet little tale but honestly not all that surprising. In this case I think it could do with being a bit longer and getting into a formula. It sort of has one with the characters Robin meets but then it kind of comes to a close before it has a chance to really be engaging. I could imagine it as a nice picture book though.

Also the red hair on Robin's face when he wakes up, is that his? I kind of thought it was Anna's going due to the title but then she's presented as being there suddenly. Kind of weird given how no other characters get any physical descriptions.

 

Azel's Epilogue *

  Reveal hidden contents

"There were literary dozens of cultists laying low at every corner" Gives me the image of scholars reading in the darkness and looking up and saying "Do you mind!" as Arthur approaches. XD This one could do with another few read throughs, there's quite a few syntax mistakes ("Lady Aideen's weeding" is another particularly amusing one). Normally it's not something I'd mention but it's quite communion this story.

Bit confused with the scene with Alvis and Azel. Is this some alternate history where the Balhalla massacre didn't happen? Bloom was Tailto's brother and he managed to become a king just fine so I don't see how her being Reptor's daughter would make her a bad match in any way. Unless this is some kind of conversation held mere hours before the massacre when Sigurd and co were resting, which still wouldn't explain why Alvis is against the match (and wouldn't Azel already be married at this point?)

Anyway writing mistakes aside it is a good story. I feel as if it is grasping at something important. I'm not sure if it's intentional but there's some good irony with Azel being distant from his son and Victor's own lack of presence in Azel's life (by virtue of being dead but I doubt he'd be all that involved if h wasn't). Arthur's refusal to let Azel take the dukedom surprised me and I do enjoy being surprised by a work.

 

Battle of Alucia

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The present tense is really odd. Doesn't seem like there's really much use in it and there are moments when it deviates. The Open Sesame tome did get a genuine chuckle out of me though.

 

Beyond the Horizon

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Well that's coincidental, two Canas death stories in one tournament. Begs a comparison even if it's unfair. Overall this one was noticeably less predictable. However in a way that made it  lot more random than it could have been. Cana's wife showing up kind of came out of nowhere and the fact that she didn't have a name was really awkward. I think I might like Beyond the Veil better overall but this one does seem to have more competent writing (the sense of the snow storm was maintained really well throughout). I should not that fire time bias might also be in effect which is a shockingly powerful thing.

 

Cages*

  Reveal hidden contents

There's something absolutely wonderful about a supposed friend, as close as family, feeling bitter hatred towards someone who is naive about their feelings. I think it's what they wanted to go with with Fiora in Fates but it was just too subtle and had no real pay off (even though you can fight and effectively kill her). Great story (though maybe on a little long side) overall. It's mainly made me slightly more upset with Fate's writing. The whole maid character is so popular in Japanese media at the moment, if they had fully delved into this characterisation it would have been a magnificent subversion.

 

Dragon Son

  Reveal hidden contents

Be careful with the flowery language. It can add a certain amount of style but overuse of it can seem very unnatural. Nothing is really added to the story by saying "they reconnoitred Roy's room" over "they searched Roy's room". The second is not only easier understood by the reader but also more accurate. Overall this was a very long story. Far longer than it needs to be. Most of the stories so far have been about 7,000 words by my estimate, this was over 17,000 and it really didn't need to be. It also lost a bit of focus by starting it's view point with Lillina, then moving to Eliwood and then on to Roy (but generally focusing on everyone). Unless you have reason to swap between viewpoints, you generally shouldn't do it. It could have been a story told entirely through Roy or Eliwood's eyes but by splitting the focus in the opening scenes and introducing the story through Lillina's eyes, you made it a lot less clear what the story is actually about. By far it was at its strongest during the middle when the entire cast was gathered together and actually exploring an issue, rather than wandering around having cameos from FE6 characters. I think if that section was presented in isolation with only some mild context editing at the start, it would be a better piece than the overall work. Not that the other bits are bad pre se (I rathe like Eliwood's conversation with Guinevere), it's just that I think the story lacks cohesion overall and becomes bloated with so many non crucial scenes.

I also question why Eliwood didn't immediately tell Roy his mother was a dragon when he was freaking out thinking he was being cursed or punished for using the legendary weapons.

 

 

Fairy Tale Ending

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I am quite fond of the whole Alvis Deirdre Sigurd story so this was a pleasant read but overall it was a bit too short to get any real feel for it.

 

FE7 Epic

  Reveal hidden contents

So this one is pretty obviously hard to critique properly given that it's overall style is vastly different from basically anything else. I feel like and flaw I try to point out could be a intentional homage to the way epic poems are which I just don't have enough familiarity with (for now).

 

Echoes From Time

  Reveal hidden contents

Futureristic Fire Emblem makes for a nice breath of fresh air, though I feel like the stories missing a bit of meat to it. It's just some brief battle scenes. Not bad per se but jut not really impactful. Also think you missed a great opportunity to establish the time frame by describing Tiki with a more aged appearance. And die Aeon somehow manage to forget she was armed when she was first cornered?

 

Fire Emblem Generations

  Reveal hidden contents

Seems strange you'd specify Hecto's wife but not Eliwood. It also seems illogical that he'd stop to put on his armour when he sees a fire. It's not really the most practical thing for fighting flames and it takes a while to put on.

 

Grief and Resolve

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My feelings on this are pretty similar to what my feelings on last year's star entry was. It was also pretty brief which is not something I want to say in a way that makes it look like I'm complaining (being too long is something I've criticized a lot of the stories for), being short isn't a bad thing, it does mean however that there's less to latch onto and really talk about.

 

History of Johanna

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Be careful with tenses.  There was a lot of mixing between past and present her for no discernible reason.

 

I'd Do Anything

  Reveal hidden contents

I like pacifism but I really don't know what to say with this story. It was lacking in some department but I'm just not sure where.

 

In His Lonely Footsteps *

  Reveal hidden contents

Good physical description of Nabarl and a great twist. Unfortunately though after given it like half a minute worth of thought I cam to the conclusion that the twist means the first half of the story makes no sense. I also feel like if someone hasn't played the game then they'd be a little lost. You might also want to work on giveing a sense of setting better too. Aside from the first few lines the characters could be seaking in a void of nothingness for what it's worth.

 

No Longer Human *

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Why did Ziharkvthrow away his iron sword? I get that you wanted him to get tge Killing Edge but...swords still cost money. Its really strange for someone to throw their weapon right off a cliff even as a show of peace, given the context at any rate.

I found some of the references to other characters very contrived, with the exception of Haar. His role in the story, while brief, managed to come across as very nuanced and complex. And made good sense in being present.

 

Pray to the Dark*

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Of all the stories I didn't comment on the first time round, this is the one I wanted to say something the most about but I just couldn't pin that exactly what I liked and didn't like about it. My feelings were pretty polarizing overall but in the end I did decide to vote for it so it must have been doing something right.

 

The Kindling Flame

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The story kind of just happened and that was it. I don't feel like it had any real focus beyond just suggesting a backstory. If someone's father suddenly decides to murder them then I think that's something worth focusing on but here everything just sort of happened.

 

The Path of Conquest and Dragon Pokemon

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Bizarre. That really just sums up all my opinions. Not good, not bad, not boring, not funny. Just...bizarre.

 

The Prince of Verdane *

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The tike skips at the start were sort of weird. They were so sudden and large, and all the information within them was repeated later on. However, I do give credit for emulating the writing style of Genealogy of Holy War very well. A lot of the text here does seem like something you could find in the game. Unfortunately while the very expository style of writing works in a game where you have to get information out fast to explain why certain troops are deploying, it doesn't really work as well with a vanilla reading. I did start imagining the story being literally in the game but then Cimbeath's monologue, i.e. the bulk of the story, was so much longer and more detailed then you'd actually get in the game, that it broke my suspension of disbelief.  All in all the story is being pulled in two different direction. It would work better being slowly told over several sections of the game rather than all at once like that (and I don't just mean that based on the time skip but the monologue too. A line like "You fled like a mouse. You ain’t our prince" would work better as a piece of optional text from a  villager). It is interesting to think of Verdane during the intervening years and Gen 2 which gets very little focus after Chapter 1 and you did an excellent job in giving Cimbeath a distinct voice.

 

The Value of Refuse

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A bit strange to have it in a play style format but also describe inner thoughts so unsubtly.

 

Too Much, Not Enough

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Plot twist managed to catch me off guard and I rather liked it for that fact. The title is also great.

Actually I can't remember if I voted for In His Lonely Footsteps but looking back on it now if I didn't then I should have. Overall I think my favorite entry was Azel's Epilogue despite the massive amount of errors that came with it. I guess that sums up my voting pattern overall. The ones that intrigued me the most got my vote over the ones that were technically the best written.

I don't know if you noticed or if you just never followed up and I misremembered, but you just have your first critique on mine, which is just confusing to most of the people here as they missed Eclipse's original critique. If you did follow up, do you mind switching the newer critique in? If you didn't follow up, ignore me.

Also as a note to Tangerine, I'm probably going to be editing my piece sometime this upcoming week to fix the readability now that I have a decent idea of proper paragraph break placement. Is that fine for the official entry or will I need to copypaste it to a new Doc so that we can preserve all the entries exactly as they are?

[Jotari]

2 minutes ago, SoulWeaver said:

I don't know if you noticed or if you just never followed up and I misremembered, but you just have your first critique on mine, which is just confusing to most of the people here as they missed Eclipse's original critique. If you did follow up, do you mind switching the newer critique in? If you didn't follow up, ignore me.

Also as a note to Tangerine, I'm probably going to be editing my piece sometime this upcoming week to fix the readability now that I have a decent idea of proper paragraph break placement. Is that fine for the official entry or will I need to copypaste it to a new Doc so that we can preserve all the entries exactly as they are?

Sorry but I never did get around fully reading your story. I tried, several times, but the wall of text just made it more effort than it's worth. In terms of critique though the most useful thing I can say to you is what I said before. Every line of dialogue should be placed on a new paragraph. If you do get it fixed then I will read it and give feedback on the story itself.

[Tangerine]

You can edit the docs, I don't think it'd be a big deal.

[SpareTimeEntertainment]

15 hours ago, EllJee said:

And speaking of Virgil/Dante/Milton... This may be an appropriate time to say for those of you for whom it wasn't painfully obvious that I entered the FE7 Epic. And holy dang does it suck. I look at it and I see errors, failures, things I wished to include but didn't, things I had to include and was trying to avoid. I've a long, long way to go before I'm to the point where I'm satisfied with my work (since I doubt that will ever happen). This was an experiment on my part, since I'd never worked in dactylic hexameter for quite this long a piece before. Let this stand as evidence to what I'm talking about above.

MY MAN! You had my vote; the complexity and validity of your attempt was staggering. As an epic poetry enthusiast I gravitated towards it the second I saw it in the entries, and I will be honest from the first line I thought I was completely smoked. I was so blown away by it, and still am, that I fail to see many of the flaws you or other parties have listed beyond character vocabulary choices and mannerisms of speech. Even then, that is a near-insurmountable stylistic difficulty of working with Homeric meter, in ENGLISH no less. I am in awe of your achievement.

8 hours ago, Tangerine said:

WRITES:

1. Dragonson by @SpareTimeEntertainment

2. Too Much Not Enough by @starlies

3. Cages by @Thane

These are the written works' final rankings for those who asked. Congrats guys!

And loving all of the discourse, as always!

I am honoured beyond words with the appreciation Dragonson has received here. I honestly did not expect it to place, I thought it unwieldy, overly sentimental and, as has been pointed out, much much MUCH too long. Thus, I am left humbled and filled with thanks for all the love it's gotten. I thank everyone for the most wonderful of competitions, I enjoyed reading all the works I possibly could (Got through about 3/4 of them!) and all the spectacular art and misc. entries - so much talent! I don't think anyone who entered has the right to be too hard on themselves - I've found something to love so far about every single piece I've seen.

(Special note to two more of my favourite entries - @starlies, you broke my damned heart. Eliwood and Ninian is my OTP, and your story essentially had me sobbing. You deserve every bit of praise you've gotten and more! @Jotari, the work you put into Hatari Investigations is unbelievably impressive. The variations meant I had fun going through it a good couple of times. You made a real feature out of the form you chose. If you make any more of these, I would be delighted to read them!)

[whase]

My entry was the Ike on a bike cosplay. I had really gotten my hopes up after being first during the first day, and then being second or shared second during most of the rest of the voting. But I guess it wasn't meant to be, too bad, I was really hoping to get some purple Cipher cards. (Purple isn't a Cipher color I'd invest in, but still some great cards to have.)

On 10-4-2017 at 4:47 AM, EllJee said:

[...]

Ike Cosplay

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It’s incredibly rare to see FE9 Lord costume for Ike rather than Ranger, or one of his FE10 variants. I blame Smash for that. Kudos to you for knowing the source material, and good work on the Ragnell. (I’ll ignore the bike.) If you have the means, there’s a few minor detail type things that would really beef up this cosplay: there are ways to style wigs, and Ike’s hair is a little spikier. It’d also kick this into gear if you worked in the metal plating over his gloves or boots—or if you found boots rather than modern hiking or sport shoes. And one tiny gripe: The pauldron’s a little off-center from the arm. Maybe that’s just how it’s attached or how this individual photo came out, but a nudge on that for the next photo shoot will polish off the cosplay.

[...]

Thanks for the review. I went with FE9 lord Ike because I wanted to make Ragnell, but wanted to stay true to Path of Radiance. (I'm not buff enough to pull of a FE10 Ike.) I went with the bike because I thought the joke would add to it. I thought there might be more cosplays in the contest and figured I needed something to make mine stand out more. Would it have been better to have sent in a "regular" cosplay picture?
I actually did try to style the wig, and failed horribly. I plan on trying again, but money and the chance of failure puts these plans in the not so immediate future. My horrible failure on the metal plating on the hands and feet made me leave them out for this picture, but I do have plans to try again on those soon. I've been getting annoyed by the pauldron too, I already improved on them in the hope they will stay in place for the next shoot. ^^

[EllJee]

I figured the bike was at least a little intentional. I'm not sure there's a "regular" cosplay picture, so I think whatever your sense of artistic layout tells you to do is probably the right choice at the time. (And yeah, I thoroughly understand failed components and leaving them out due to money and other constraints.) Very glad to hear you're still working on it, though! It's definitely too good so far to toss.

[TheSilentChloey]

On 4/10/2017 at 5:16 AM, EllJee said:

Young Tactician

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Nice work on shading, especially the fabric folds at the back of the coat between his legs. (Side note: it almost looks like he’s shirtless under the coat.) If anything here, the sheer expanse of the background actually detracts from the tactician himself; there’s so much empty space that what IS there, especially completely centered as it is, seems almost drowned out.

 

Spoiler

I will say that the background was intentional.  I think it would have been better to crop the image to shrink the background and draw attention strictly to him.  However I know I will probably have to fix that at some point.  Thanks for letting me know.  And I didn't actually notice that he looked shirtless  that's actually very funny!

 

Edited April 17, 2017 by TheSilentChloey
Post fixing!

[Sunwoo]

I'm realizing just now that I haven't really talked about anything other than the stories, so just wanted to mention this about the other categories. Congrats to the artist who placed first, the miscellaneous winners, to the eventual winners of third place for the drawings, and to all the participants in all of the sections. And a special congrats to the runner-up artist, I especially adore your artwork 

Edited April 18, 2017 by Sunwoo

[Jotari]

On 4/17/2017 at 8:11 PM, SpareTimeEntertainment said:

(Special note to two more of my favourite entries - @starlies, you broke my damned heart. Eliwood and Ninian is my OTP, and your story essentially had me sobbing. You deserve every bit of praise you've gotten and more! @Jotari, the work you put into Hatari Investigations is unbelievably impressive. The variations meant I had fun going through it a good couple of times. You made a real feature out of the form you chose. If you make any more of these, I would be delighted to read them!)

I probably won't write another one. At least not for next year's contest (I have something more serious in mind for that). It was quite a bit more challenging than I expected (of course I was working towards the original deadline, if I knew how much time I actually had I would have taken it easier). I thought I could get a lot more content out of certain sections (particular the ShantyPete ending which I planned to be an entire third route) but it wasn't easy trying to balance having interesting choices with actually keeping the story moving and not feeling like padding. If I do make another one I'll probably tone down the number of endings significantly. I'm the kind of guy that enjoys exploring every single route of a visual novel and getting every piece of dialogue but I think in this instance the lack of visuals and even more so the lack of a save feature meant so many different endings were only detrimental. The fact that it was one story in the competition rather than being something someone approaches independently also meant the large number of endings probably aren't what people were interested in.

Edited April 18, 2017 by Jotari

[PeaceRibbon]

A big congratulations to our winners and a thank you for all the lovely compliments and criticisms on my write! The amount of positive energy from everyone involved this year was just heartwarming and the entries in all categories were top class. In fact, I'm pretty excited to get started on more drafts for next year! Keep being an awesome group you guys. :)

[Tangerine]

Probably going to be skipping this year since this one cut into so much of 2017 due to our delays lol. I'm planning a couple of other events for 2017 either way, the first being a launch stream + giveaway with Ghast for the SoV release.

Scribbles will certainly be back though, even if not in my hands! I made sure the staff would continue it even if I couldn't :P.

Edited April 18, 2017 by Tangerine

[PeaceRibbon]

Ah. A shame I guess but sounds fair to want to switch up events on this site for variety. I guess we'll call this a deadline extension?

Edited April 18, 2017 by PeaceRibbon
spelling error

[Tangerine]

More that I just don't want to overdo it on Scribbles; if I were to do one this year then it'll have been such a short amount of time since the end of the last. Don't want to burn out our artists and writers with too many big events!

[SoulWeaver]

5 hours ago, Tangerine said:

More that I just don't want to overdo it on Scribbles; if I were to do one this year then it'll have been such a short amount of time since the end of the last. Don't want to burn out our artists and writers with too many big events!

Nah, man, bring it on, I got like a million old OpenOffice Docs I can just mix'n'match ideas from for pretty much anything you come up with.

…Unfortunately, I plan on leaving on a mission this year, so I guess taking it easy for 2017 and consequently 2018 works for me. We'll see how things end up rolling along!

…But seriously. If any sort of contest idea with a writing focus comes up while I'm still here I want to know about it, especially if Cipher gets involved - heck, I'd love to see an online Cipher tourney here someday!

Edited April 19, 2017 by SoulWeaver

[eclipse]

So maybe make Scribbles the opening-of-the-year thing?

Anyway, now that I have a couple more responses from people, I'll work on finishing up the stuff in my sig.  Then. . .tee-hee~!

[TheSilentChloey]

2 hours ago, eclipse said:

So maybe make Scribbles the opening-of-the-year thing?

Anyway, now that I have a couple more responses from people, I'll work on finishing up the stuff in my sig.  Then. . .tee-hee~!

That would actually be really great!  I'd have a lot of fun with that!  and who knows we might just see me enter in a writes

[Jotari]

If you guys want to enter Serenes hosted writing stuff then I will direct you to the Write Your Butt Off Contest. Which is supposed to be a bi weekly affair but is sort of floundering due to lack of interest.

[Wist]

On 4/17/2017 at 1:22 PM, Nym said:

Since the vote is over, I can post the references of my story for those who read my story or are interested (like for @Wist I think?)

  Reveal hidden contents

• Both Rezzy and Chloey are characters based of 2 members of SF, Rezzy being obviously @Rezzy and Chloey being @TheSilentChloey, althought the latter is more based on the character that Chloey made for her Awakening story.
• Nym is of course, me
• The ''Open Sesame'' tome is based of the magic phrase of ''Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves''.
• The stuffed animal that Nym made for Rezzy's baby is a reference to Eevee, obviously.
• Mugemin is a reference/parody of the Crimson Mage Megumin, from the anime Konosuba.
• Both Tristan and Harve are based of two of my IRL friends.
• Harve's design is based of the character Genji from Overwatch
• Flona is a reference/parody of the useless Goddess and Arch priest, Aqua from the anime Konosuba.
• Light is a reference/parody of the masochist crusader Darkness, from the anime Konosuba
• Knil (I wrote Kril by accident oops) is a reference to Link from the Legend of Zelda
• Aryl is a reference to Ariel, Link's little sister in the Wind Waker.
• The song that Chloey sings is a parody of the song ''Be a man'' in Mulan
• The 2 maids are a reference to both Ram and Rem from the anime Re:Zero
• ''Look like the cavalry is here'' phrase from the red maid is a reference to Tracer's (from Overwatch) favorite catchphrase: ''Cheers, love! The cavalry's here!''

I'll post the story tommorow (a more corrected version this time).

Thank you! I guessed there'd be a fair number of references.

On 4/17/2017 at 3:51 AM, eclipse said:

As for my story, here's the summary of critiques:

[...]

So, I want an explanation.

I can't answer why your story didn't do as well in the polls as it could have. But as you're keen on receiving honest criticism what I can do is tell you what edits would have resulted in me voting for it. I didn't see a response regarding author anonymous feedback so I did end up writing this evaluation after learning it was your story.

Also, I don't write much fiction and you or others may disagree with some or all of the points. Still, I hope it may be useful.

Spoiler

The story is fine. The plot is fine. The imagery is fine. The writing is mostly fine.

What I think needs attention is how exposition is used (the classic "show, don't tell" argument). The narrator sometimes pulls the reader out of Mozu's head. But I think pulling readers into her head and keeping them there is vital to the success of the story.

This can be accomplished with some subtle revisions:

1. Giving characters more agency

Spoiler

1.1 I think the the story would benefit from the characters being better credited with their actions. When they aren't making choices, it's harder for the reader to get into their heads. This saps the story of immediacy and emotion.

In this passage, the narrator is telling the reader a sequence of events.

Quote

She gasped, her emotions getting the better of her. A tear left a searing trail on her cheek, then another. Her head instinctively jerked up as something heavy echoed through the forest. The sobs in her throat slowed, then stopped, as the stomping slowly became louder.

Here are the events.

Quote

She gasps. A tear falls. Something echoed. Her head jerks. Her sobs slow. Her sobs stops. The echo gets louder.

As readers, we watch these events happen. But Mozu's only action is an involuntary gasp. She hasn't done anything for us to interpret. It's hard to feel a personal connection with her.

Here's the same passage with her given more agency.

Quote

She sobbed, and a tear left a searing trail on her cheek. Then another. But she jerked her head up when she heard something heavy echo through the forest. She slowed the sobs in her throat, then held her breath as the stomping slowly became louder.

She does five things now, and is responsible for four of them (even though some are involuntary).

Quote

She sobs. A tear falls. She hears something and she jerks her head. She slows her sobs. She stops breathing. The sound gets louder.

This means four times as many opportunities for the reader to figure out her motives.

• She sobs. Are her emotions catching up with her?
• She jerks her head. Is what she heard a threat?
• She slows her sobs. Is she trying to identify the sound?
• She stops breathing. Is she scared she'll be noticed?

The original passage begs the same questions. We acknowledge her situation. But in the revision we feel Mozu's fear. We were invited to put ourselves in her position, so we sympathise with her when we come up with our answers. Giving her just a bit more agency here has ramped up our emotional investment in the story.

1.2 Here are some other passages where this can be done.

Quote

The girl’s vision blurred, as she thought back to the events that had happened mere hours ago.

vs

Quote

Her vision blurred as she thought back to the carnage she had escaped mere hours ago.

Having Mozu "escape" makes the events more explicitly personal to her and the reader.

Quote

As her mother's body was pounded into the ground, Mozu fled.

vs

Quote

She fled as the monster pounded her mother's body into the ground.

Giving the monster more agency makes it more threatening because it's actively killing.

Quote

She should’ve slowed down for her mother, or fought off the monster with her naginata. Then her mother would be alive, and safe, and far away from the horrors that had so cruelly pounded the village flat.

vs

Quote

She should’ve slowed down for her mother, or fought off the monster with her naginata. Instead, she'd left her to die, let her be killed by the horrors that so cruelly pounded the village to rubble.

Having Mozu take responsibility for the consequences of leaving her mother makes her regret more personal, poignant, and pathetic.

1.3 There are many places where this is already handled well.

Quote

She planted the butt of the naginata against the ground, and cradled the shaft with her elbow, before staring at her hands.

...and...

Quote

She ran past the last set of houses, before the village turned into pure farmland. She ran through the vegetable fields, trampling seedlings and brush alike. She stopped once she was under the cover of the trees, her breath coming in ragged gasps. Her shoulders heaved, as she buried her face in her hands.

...and...

Quote

She buried her face in her hands, and let the tears fall. Everyone she knew was dead, and she’d nearly joined them.

...and...

Quote

Mozu quickly stood up, and thrust her naginata with all of her might. She reeled backwards, the blade of her weapon failing to penetrate the creature’s skin. She watched the creature’s fist, mesmerized by its slow upwards motion.

These are great examples of passages where Mozu is given sufficient agency. I think doing this more consistently throughout the text will make it easier for readers to get into her head. We will be scared with her, then cheer when she resolves to fight.

2. Reducing exposition

Spoiler

2.1 There are scenes which would be more intense if the description were not so straightforward. Too much exposition pulls us out of characters' heads, depriving us of their emotions.

I've marked in red sections where the narrator is interpreting for the reader.

Quote

Weapon in hand, she slowly rose to her feet, the dull thuds becoming louder, and more pronounced. The forest’s uneven ground made running away difficult, and another fall would allow whatever was stomping through the forest to catch her. Snapping branches accompanied the stomps. She readied her naginata, biting back a scream as the monster appeared before her. It was easily double Mozu’s height, and probably four times as heavy.It was humanoid, with sickly green skin, garbed in nothing but a mockery of a loincloth. Its wrists were bound with the broken remnants of shackles, while its face was hidden behind some sort of spiky helmet.

The description is great. As readers we understand the dire situation Mozu faces, and we have a clear picture of what the monster looks like. But we're not living it because the narrator's doing that for us.

Let's try giving the reader more space to make their own observations.

Quote

Weapon in hand, she rose to her feet, wincing as she tried to ignore her injured knee. The thuds became louder. She started to step back, but stumbled as her foot struck another root hidden in the leaves. The thuds, now accompanied by the sound of snapping branches, drew closer. Taking a deep breath, she readied her naginata.
 
As the monster appeared from between the trees she bit back a scream. Trembling, she looked up at the strange spiky helmet hiding its face, then down to the broken shackles hugging its wrists. She froze as the sickly green giant, garbed in nothing but a mockery of a loincloth, lumbered toward her.

Some of the exposition has been transformed into events we can experience. Rather than being told running was difficult, we see she's unable to run easily. And rather being told how big the monster is, we see her sizing it up by looking up at its face then looking down to its arms.

Before, we could only acknowledge the terror of her situation. Now that we stay in her head, we feel her terror because we're looking through her eyes.

2.2 Here's a different kind of example.

Quote

Though the person’s garb was something completely alien to her, she recognized the warm smile that greeted her, one that extended to the person’s red eyes. It was the same look that her mother gave her, after a hard day’s work. She bit her lip, as a stray tear found its way down her face.

Compare it to a slight revision with less exposition and more character agency.

Quote

Though she eyed his unfamiliar garb with suspicion, she recognized the warm smile reaching to his red eyes. It was the same smile her mother would give her after a hard day's work. She bit her lip as a tear made its way down her face.

It's really not very different. All that changed is instead of being told Mozu found the person's clothes strange, we see the strangeness through her eyes. As a result, we stay in her head throughout the scene. When she picks up on her mother's smile, we feel her transition from suspicion or confusion to trust and comfort (do something else if you don't want her suspicious/confused).

2.3 As with character agency, reducing exposition shouldn't require significant rewriting. It also shouldn't be done to excess. There are passages like this one where the exposition works really well.

Quote

What if this person tripped on a random tree root, just like she had? What if the monster didn’t fall from the golden sword’s slash? Her last memories of the village resurfaced, but this time, she didn’t feel the usual rush of tears. Instead, she felt the blood drain from her face, as her hands tightened around her naginata. Yes, she could run and hide, but it would mean that others might die to the same monsters that ravaged her village. These strangers owed nothing to her or her village, yet one of them had protected her, then offered to keep her safe.

Half the passage is description, but it all sounds like it's going through Mozu's head. This is what this story needs!

These don't pertain as much to the story itself, but I noticed a couple mechanical things you could work on:

3. Confusing descriptions

Spoiler

3.1 Renaming characters interrupts the story. It reminds the reader their reading rather than experiencing something. Surprisingly, it can also makes it harder to understand who's doing what.

Quote

The girl’s vision blurred, as she thought back to the events that had happened mere hours ago. She’d called to her mother, begging for the older woman to take her hand. Her mother pleaded with her to flee, the older woman’s legs no match for the monster behind her.

Using both "her mother" and "the older woman" to refer to the same person feels stilted. She's "renamed" multiple times, even when the subject hasn't changed.

Quote

Her vision blurred as she thought back to the carnage she had escaped mere hours ago. She'd begged her mother to take her hand so they could escape together. But her mother pleaded with her to flee, insisting she'd only slow her down.

This is actually less confusing than the original because "her" and "she" always refer to Mozu except where context makes it clear they don't.

3.2 At the story's end, renaming characters made it unclear how many people there were.

Quote

She buried her face in her hands, and let the tears fall. Everyone she knew was dead, and she’d nearly joined them. She dimly heard the other person say something, and answered without thinking. She gasped as a finger gently wiped away her tears.

Is "other person" other to Mozu or the swordsman? Is s/he a compatriot of the swordsman? Later on, someone in fancy garb runs by. So is there a strangely garbed person and then a swordsman, or are both of them strangely garbed? At the end of the story, I don't know if Mozu's gone off with one, two, or several people. Cleaning up how they're referred to should make this much clearer.

3.3 These were few and far between, but a few descriptions were a bit unwieldy.

Quote

The person with a sword turned towards her, hand extended.

vs

Quote

The swordsman turned towards her, hand extended.

I assume you were avoiding gendering the person. But I'm not sure this is the best way to do it. Swordsman is more elegant and should hopefully suffice if there are no clear indications of gender anywhere.

Quote

Whatever else the other person said was lost to the singular sentence that rattled through her mind.

vs

Quote

The words echoed in her head.

This is a single, stark image which perhaps mostly captures the most important aspect of the original sentence.

3.4 More importantly, I found the following characterisation a little strange.

Quote

This is how she died – away from her village, her family, and everything that was familiar to her. Though her mind tried to convince herself of her impending death, her body shifted, bracing the naginata’s butt against the ground. If she could just injure it, she could die happy.

I don't buy the narrator's assertion here. It had looked like she was being forced to fight because she knew she couldn't escape. Why would injuring it help her be at peace? Personally (and of course feel free  to disagree), I think it would be more credible and impactful to focus more on the source of her regret and sadness: being a sole-survivor, and only because she abandoned everyone.

Quote

She bemoaned that this is how she would die – alone in the woods, away from her village, her family, her mother...

Still, she shifted her body and braced the butt of her naginata against the ground. She knew it was futile, but it was all she could manage. Maybe she should have stayed, and died defending her home instead of out here on the run. As she readied herself for the monster's final blow, she wondered if there was anyone left at home to forgive her.

Maybe you don't want to go in this direction. That's fine. But keeping the focus on her core struggle may make a stronger impression. This might require some streamlining in other parts of the story too. But I think it'll be worth it.

4. Overused commas

Spoiler

4.1 These commas are splitting what should be single clauses.

Quote

The girl’s vision blurred, as she thought back to the events that had happened mere hours ago.

...and...

Quote

She ran past the last set of houses, before the village turned into pure farmland.

...and...

Quote

Her shoulders heaved, as she buried her face in her hands.

I especially noticed commas before "as", like in the first and third sentence above. In these cases, I would get rid of the commas or replace "as" with "and".

I've summed up my thoughts below.

Summary

Spoiler

The story really is interesting. Exploring Mozu's mental state at such an dire time puts you in a position to push readers into really considering the harsh realities of worlds and scenarios that form the backdrops for these games. No one else really tried to do this, not with as dire and contained a scenario as Mozu's, making it all the more valuable and refreshing.

The better you can put people into Mozu's head at this time, the more effective this push will be. If you'd managed this more cleanly I would have voted for your story because it would have made me really feel what Mozu's feeling. You're most of the way there. Like you mentioned earlier, you can't do a full psychological evaluation. But you have given us a snapshot, and a snapshot can be as powerful as any movie.

Addressing the following two points will assist in Mozu's characterisation and make her a much more relatable and impactful character.

• Things shouldn't happen to characters. Rather, characters should do and experience things. This makes it easier for readers to get into a character's head.
• The narrator shouldn't interpret scenes. Show what you want to say through things the characters do. The narrator explaining too much risks pulling readers out of a character's head.

Revising with the following three points in mind ought to clear up ambiguities in the writing.

• Prefer pronouns over descriptions. This usually makes a story easier to follow.
• Make sure characters' thoughts and actions reflect the their internal struggles.
• Try to remove unnecessary commas.

Or so I think anyways.

 

 

Edited April 19, 2017 by Wist
I can't grammar.