Let's Play: Empire Total War! - Knights of St. John run

[IGdood]

Well not the aiming in sieges, but that arrows actually followed soldiers as they ran. Even if they were twisting and kiting the arrows would adjust and follow....hahaha

[Rewjeo]

That's just too awesome to not have. I am upset at not getting to see that. Since you have to have Steam to run it, it'll auto-update, too, won't it? Darn. Oh, well. Since it's summer, I should be actually getting that computer soon, so hopefully I can actually understand what you're doing through having experienced the game myself

[IGdood]

Finals are over, I start up Empire Total War and for some reason the game freezes at Poland-Lithuania's turn.

Currently rolling back to an older save and seeing if things play out from there. I'll start posting pics again and list any changes from the current playthrough of sorts, provided no problems occur.

[IGdood]

Okay, got to current point in LP:

Stuff to retcon:

Furetchen's "Persuasion" didn't sink.

I never lost Jerusalem. (got around to securing it before moving on to Palestine)

Trained up a second army to go after the Ottomans to the east while our current army of badasses move north towards Istanbul.

I got Cuba.

Edit: Hit the Poland-Lithuania turn bug again. A single turn of theirs is taking up to 10 minutes to complete. Fucktards are trying to delay their doom.

Edited June 10, 2011 by skitarii

[IGdood]

So..heya....back with a long-awaited update. XD

Funny screenshot time of some siege where I placed down spikes at a chokehold entrance and the enemy had an all-cavalry army. Lulz ensued.

So uh, I thought I'd take on a Polish fleet with tons of heavy ships for the lulz. I meant heavy as in 2 heavy firsts...and....seconds...and firsts....

Light galleys on my right, everything else on the left.

Polish fleet is in a double line.

Light galley spam GO!

So while the galleys buy time and get blasted to chunks, my rocket ship keeps on sending rockets over while I try to get my other ships in position. Which is hard, considering I'm sailing against the focking wind.

Somehow Intimidation is unlucky enough to catch fire from a first hit. But, because the crew is so high-leveled and badass, they gave absolutely ZERO shits and remained confident.

Here my privateers are luring the Polish line.

The heavy ships on the left fire around at the rear of the Polish line.

Also, the exploding remnants of my surrendered Light Galleys damage nearby Polish ships. Even in death, i still fuck your shit up!

Indefatigable sails into the middle of the Polish line parks itself there, hoping to cut up their coordination.

And take on two heavy first rates at once.

Short-ranged rocket salvo.

Eeeh nevermind, rocket ship gets blasted and spooked, and routs.

The fourth rate is no match for the Polish heavy ships, and quickly loses its cool. Meanwhile, our own heavy ships are on the other side....hurrying up.

Dammit Rocket Ship Y U SINK?!

C'mon fleet, hurry the fuck up. Damn lack of naval research leading to overall inferior ships.

Let's try to hit them from the front.

Actually let's just randomly sail into them and hope we win.

You first, Intimidation.

White Base joins in.

Another of our 4th rates is unable to handle the pressure, and routs. Meanwhile, Indefatigable duels with the Polish Heavy First Rate Szerzeri on the far right.

Eyewitness accounts report the crew of Szerlzeri being spat on.

I gave the order to board. I can really use another heavy first rate in my fleet.

Surrendered! No need to even jump across and start hacking apart sailors with machetes.

And this one has a name too hard to pronounce and is promptly owned.

For some reason, the game only let me capture one Heavy First Rate and a First Rate. I lost the rocket ship, but oh well.

I'm sure most of you are tired of seeing our named units being featured. Here's a random siege assault on Mesopotamia by an almost pure line infantry army.

Ready.....ZERG RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSH

Since none of them are named I consider all of them expendable.

And I unleash all of them at the Ottoman garrison.

I can't even see what's going on. Generic fury.

Oh woops, forgot to order you guys to climb the walls. Quit shooting.

Go go go go go

Taking a few casualties, but let's keep fighting.

You cannot stop this flood of knightly fury!

Join the Order they said. The pay was good they said.

Opening fire onto the masses of Ottomans below. The perfect recruitment painting for future Maltese citizens.

BLAM BLAM BLAM

Well I lost a third of my men. And I didn't use any tactics anyways.

The first of many middle fingers to the Ottomans. I bet they felt that one on their national pride.

We now have machine tools.

While on the way to Istanbul, we come across the Polish province of Anatolia. We capture it, and put its buildings to the torch as a major FUCK YOU POLES. Remember why the Polish declared war on us in the first place? The Polish monarch believed he was THE legitimate successor to the throne of Malta. Fuck you, sir, fuck you.

Let's move on to Istanbul, lads.

Istanbul, Rumelia has no garrison. What a joke.

A naval college! Finally, I can research naval tech. FINALLY.

[Acacia Sgt]

Good for this to be back.

Huh? Istanbul fell that quickly...? So much for the Ottoman capital... wait, they're still on the game...?

[IGdood]

Good for this to be back.

Huh? Istanbul fell that quickly...? So much for the Ottoman capital... wait, they're still on the game...?

Actually the Polish owned Istanbul. Ottomans are stuck with territories in the middle east, but they're slowly weakening. I went through about 10 full-stack armies of theirs. But they no longer have a naval presence anymore.

Historically, the Knights were a naval power. Well...we're on our way to actually becoming a good one....

That's a fuckload of Polish troops. Think we can hold Istanbul, boys?

A bishop randomly spawns...and....damn that's a shitload of stars. He's going straight to Mesopotamia.

Since Istanbul is considered to be part of the "mainland European area", we have new units that we can recruit.

Lancer Guards, pretty good defense for lancer cavalry. Huge ass charge bonus.

Light cavalry sharpshooters, basically snipers on a horse.

Hussars, light cavalry not meant for the main combat line, with nice hats.

Carabineers, basically dragoons before the term "dragoon" was invented. I forgot if they could dismount though.

24-pounder heavy horse guard artillery, combining the power of 24-pounder foot guns with the speed of a 6-pounder horse artillery. Seen before in the Prussia playthrough.

Line infantry guards, line infantry who are given guard status, but aren't considered guards. What?

Fusiliers, infantry great at shooting things up but suck in melee.

Grenadier guards, one of the many elite guard units.

Engineers, infantry better suited to melee than ranged combat.

Sharpshooters = snipers.

Blunderbuss Shotgunners, really great for tearing your opponents new assholes.

Marines, not the ones I'm using. They aren't part of the Order.

Light infantry, outclassed by the Guttersnipers and Sharpshooters.....except in reloading time.

West European Infantry Mercenaries, basically a group of 200-line infantry and looking identical too.

Horse grenadier guards, tough cavalry unit who can kick ass with both gun and sword.

Technology!

Edited June 10, 2011 by skitarii

[IGdood]

So last time, we finally told Poland-Lithuania that they CAN and WILL be hurt....by torching Anatolia and capturing Istanbul. For too long have they tormented the Order. They send ships to blockade our trade, they land invasion forces in a feeble attempt to aid their Ottoman allies, and the best of their fleets now serve the naval arm of the Knights.

Well needless to say, an enraged nation is dangerous, and now they just sent about 8.6K of their best troops to take Istanbul back. Hold fast, knights.

I'm not worried about the Polish infantry. I'm more worried about all those howitzers out there. If anything, I'll have to abandon the walls and do most of the fighting in the middle of the fort.

I've paired up the native axemen with the Guttersnipers.

Some of the troops on the walls are getting trashed by Polish quicklime shots, and I'm forced to order them to get off.

Those green soldiers aren't the Guttersnipers. They're the...um...the other mounted green rifle-dragoon soldiers.

The Polish are relentless in their bombardments. Before the walls collapse I order most of my infantry off.

Polish Pegasus Knights Winged Hussars in-bound!

I answer back with the biggest fuck-yous. Canister shot set to fire at the corners, non-stop. Cannons have unlimited ammo, and they are more than eager to blast away at a chokepoint like this.

Of course, musket bullets will finish off the survivors and cover the big guns while they reload.

Well even with all the gunfire some of the Polish still get through.

And the answer? Put more guns on the scene, of course!

First wave is broken. Didn't lose too many men.

Guttersnipers use their rifle's range to snipe at far-off soldiers.

But just in case they climb walls and go melee, I have the Marksboyz march over.

Axemen will go hack up people.

Avon Gate Buccaneers oblige their Polish guests' wish to have a gunfight.

I think I understand the color of the Polish-Lithuanian uniform. It hides the undesirable color of blood.

Hack, hack, hack....

Those Howitzers are really annoying. They're bombing the corners of the fort, but are relatively unguarded. Since the Aesir Riders are leading the army, I do not wish to risk them for combat as of yet. I send out the Spiky Gitz and Melon Cutters for some harassing action.

Another corner of the fort crumbles.

Immediately I shore up defenses and wait for the attacks to begin again.

Order Infantry Guards and Jaguar Squad shown below

Cavalry make it outside, I charge them forward lest they too be covered in quicklime.

They lose a few to the quicklime anyway, but their job is done and I'm calling them to fall back. Well, I shat a brick when i saw those lancer guards in the distance.

Along with those Provincial Cavalry, whom I give 0 shits about. Winded and perhaps even tired, I still order them to engage. It's useless to run away from lancer cavalry, so why not fuck with them and charge them before they themselves charge (and thus negate that huge charge bonus)

To which the Spiky Gitz are very willing to do. The lancer guards were caught off-guard (pardon the word usage) and were promptly pwned.

Oh yeah, the Aesir Riders came out just in case the other two couldn't handle it.

The Polish actually abandoned the first corner where the cannons were, and are focusing on this second corner.

Hmm, their elite troops are showing up. (I've been shooting line infantry thus far)

Guttersnipers make for great marksmen in buildings. They also have a trait that makes them hidden while in buildings, thus the enemy seem to be very unlikely to charge the building.

I term that corner the "killzone."

As the battle rages on my fort seems to be smoldering.

Time to get the Avon Gate Foot off the walls. The howitzers are bombing that area.

Things were going great until huge amounts of Polish grenadiers showed up, and started throwing their fucking balls of ass-whupping at my line infantry.

JUST CHARGE. The Termina Division will cover your asses, GO GO GO

Seeing that mass melee over there, the Polish AI decides that the killzone is a very bad thing indeed. So, they just took the other direction.

This is where the angry marines come in. GET READY WITH THAT FUCK-EM BY RANK.

I cry at the sacrifice of these veteran line infantry (They're fucking level 4!) But they will probably end up replaced by guard infantry down the line anyways.

My cavalry are outside hunting down howitzer batteries.

My veteran line infantry manage to hit level 5, but then a group of die-hard Polish grenadiers decided on a case of "I'M TAKING YOU WITH ME" and promptly nuke the melee (and themselves). Fuck you, Poland.

Aesir Riders, GO!

Another hole opens up.

ANGRY MARINES, DODGE THOSE FUCKIN GRENADES

I win, but only because the battle time limit was up.

[Parrhesia]

Oh, Snipers. That could pro- SHOTGUNS.

I SHOTGUN the SHOTGUNNERS.

SEE WHAT I DID THERE

BECAUSE OF PUNS

...

...

...

Sorry.

Anyway, uh. If you have room, the 98th Colonial Facebiter Corps marches to war. Either Shotgunners or Sharpshooters, whichever you feel complements your force better. I need some claiming backup so that the 'Xth of Vague Pun and/or Insight' doesn't become stale. Well, more stale.

[Acacia Sgt]

Eh, Battle Time Limit? You meant to say this battles are timed? Woah, didn't knew...

[Integrity]

I always turn the Time Limit off.

Why?

Because otherwise my mortars can only pepper for 45 minutes and that makes me sadfaec.

[Rewjeo]

I wouldn't say you won only because of the time. They lost nearly 7x as many troops as you, making for them losing about a third of their troops to about a sixth of yours.

[IGdood]

Oh, Snipers. That could pro- SHOTGUNS.

I SHOTGUN the SHOTGUNNERS.

SEE WHAT I DID THERE

BECAUSE OF PUNS

...

...

...

Sorry.

Anyway, uh. If you have room, the 98th Colonial Facebiter Corps marches to war. Either Shotgunners or Sharpshooters, whichever you feel complements your force better. I need some claiming backup so that the 'Xth of Vague Pun and/or Insight' doesn't become stale. Well, more stale.

Fockin' Furet, you never cease to make me laugh. With the amount of units exceeding 20, I might have to split the current army into two armies (bolstered by other generics, of course). So you'll get shotguns. They'll shotgun the offensive. Most likely will be raised in Istanbul too, which does complement their colonial status.

Eh, Battle Time Limit? You meant to say this battles are timed? Woah, didn't knew...

Yeah, in a battle the attackers must win the battle by the end of the time limit or else the defender wins.

I always turn the Time Limit off.

Why?

Because otherwise my mortars can only pepper for 45 minutes and that makes me sadfaec.

LOL. I keep it on because some victories of mine hinged on the time limit.

I wouldn't say you won only because of the time. They lost nearly 7x as many troops as you, making for them losing about a third of their troops to about a sixth of yours.

That is true, although I would run out of ammo (Termina Division ran out, lulz) and the holes in the walls keep opening up. Of course, we aren't shabby in melee either, but then melee usually results in more casualties.

Edited June 12, 2011 by skitarii

[IGdood]

A heavy first rate joins our fleet.....at the loss of a regular first rate.

Improving the navy....one tech at a time.

Now if only the shotguns are pump action... Someone's going to receive a face full of pellets soon.

Let's keep up our momentum and beat up on some Polish.

Thin red line.

I heard shotguns can bite faces pretty gruesomely.

I have the Facebiters keep behind the line infantry. They'll be shielded by human bodies and will run out when needed.

For some reason, the Polish howitzers seemed to be quite dangerous tonight. Those quicklime shots didn't misfire and most of them managed to pour caustic, painful acid on my infantry.

Charge the fuggin' guns. (This is one of the many batteries left undefended.)

Here one of the Polish crewmen manages to one-stab the commander of this army. Morale plummets across the board. What. the. Fuck.

The line continues to advance, taking out artillery crews along the way.

Light infantry poses a problem. Grenzers carry double-barreled muskets. The pain inflicted is immense.

Annnnd my guys step on traps. I meant mines.

Of course, being nimble enough, the Facebiters manage to outrun flying explosives.

Riflemen snipe at my infantry, the ones who walked on the explosives are routing. What was supposed to be a pretty even battle is starting to turn into a disaster.

C'mon...let's regroup and get our shit together...

Shotgunners run around the battle line, looking for opportunistic moments.

Things look so-so.

Polish elites charge my militia, and rout them.

Shotgunners, blast those fucks!

Shotgunners, form square formation so you don't get fucked up by Polish guard cavalry! Arrrrggggh rage.

Well, plenty of line infantry (mine) get slaughtered, and the Facebiters retreat.

Polish reinforcements arrive at my flanks. I divert troops to deal with them. (bad move, i was only after the battle that I should've just ignored them and concentrated on beating up the main Polish line)

Polish rifles continue dropping my men. Morale is so low most of them rout at half-casualties.

Facebiters try to do what they can in getting the pressure off my infantry. It's not helping enough.

I'm surprised the Polish haven't been shooting them yet.

Rout, rout, rout.

Another stupid move: Never, ever, go toe-to-toe with grenadier guards with just 1 unit.

Reinforcements arrive from our crowd favorites.

Yeah, the Facebiters get ripped a new one.

Facebiters also rout, seeing the loss of their comrades and whole army.

They regroup close to the edge of the map. Let's see if they can make it over to reinforcements.

Guttersnipers take care of some exhausted Polish attackers.

More reinforcements.

Shotgunners regroup again, get harassed by lancer guards, and form square. Both units are exhausted, and it takes ages for them to kill each other.

Guttersnipers deliver sweet, sweet revenge.

By killing their general.

Facebiters using their swords to great effect, contrary to the FE weapon triangle.

They manage to beat back the lancers, and I order them to withdraw from the field.

Shit, breech loaders?

Alright...let's go after them.

Termina Division will go after these artillery guns.

Blam. Still, I'm taking casualties elsewhere from quicklime.

Fuck riflemen, CHARGE!

This is where cavalry will be useful. Melon cutters getting melted by quicklime.

AESIIIIIIIIRRR

[IGdood]

A quick volley from elite grenadier horse guards sends the Termina Division packing. Yup. One volley. Took out most of the Termina Division. Fuck. What the fuck, is this Lunatic Reverse? Fuck this shit.

quicklime shot also obliterates most of the Jaguar Squad.

I quickly press onwards. Breech loader riflemen are NOT to be trifled with. They use rifles that can be quickly reloaded.

A man is still a man, no matter how elite. They'll die to bullets. Here is where the Guttersnipers are useful, countering enemy riflemen when possible and picking off elite infantry.

Good to see the enemy riflemen running.

I didn't see this group of Howitzers earlier. They seem to be hidden and firing at me.....

Cavalry, get those marines!

Except marines unload on the Aesir.

Yeah whuteva, they still rout anyways.

Polish reinforcements keep on coming in the form of snipers and light infantry. Fuck them, I switch to melee mode and just charge. KILL.

Gettimg bombed to hell by their artillery.

Melon Cutters somehow run themselves into stakes. And more quicklime. They die horribly. Most of them, anyways. Having a really bad headache at this point in the game and wanting to ragequit.

Axemen make it to the scene.

More reinforcements, but they're so far back.

Just a few more Polish units. Line up, get ready to volley!

Snipe away!

Flee, you dicks!

Cavalry...get ready to melee again.

-sigh-

What a shitty kill ratio. Fucking mines. I forgot to record the statistics of the individual unit kills. My headache was too painful at the point and I didn't take medicine.

A few turns later, I replenish and....Let's do this again.

The thing I figured out about enemy riflemen is that they work wonders on a thin line that I used the last battle. This time I'll create a double line. Any weakened spots in the front line can then be reinforced by fresh troops from the rear.

Artillery bombs me, but I continue.

Lower bayonets....CHARGE!

Of course...they deployed mines again. FANTASTIC.

The empty positions left behind by the routers are quickly reinforced by fresh infantry from the rear line.

Shotgunners....vs. Shotgunners?

Hurry up, fire dammit fire!

I just love the way those blunderbusses look. BOOM. 30 of theirs dead.

They fire back. BLAM. 30 of ours dead. The fuck is this bull shit? 120 of us killed 30 of theirs, but 90 of theirs killed 30 of us? What fucking RNG is this?

Line infantry charged the Polish shotgunners. Anyhoo, we continue blasting into the backs of unsuspecting opponents.

And at riflemen who are too busy shooting some generic infantry.

Why the hell are you routing? We're winning here!

Get ready for a firefight ?

Whoever can present the most guns usually wins.

Fall back infantry, let the Facebiters show you how it's done.

And after all the shooting, the Facebiters proceed to chase after routers and gut them with their swords.

Especially enemy riflemen. No mercy for them.

Level up, shotgunners!

Our navy gets access to gatorade.

Edited June 13, 2011 by skitarii

[IGdood]

Sorry for the slow updates, been juggling between this, Assassin's Creed 2, Harvest Moon Rune Factory 3, Mass Effect, Mount & Blade.....etc.

[Rewjeo]

THAT IS NO EXCUSE

Even if those games sound like fun right now....

[IGdood]

THAT IS NO EXCUSE

Even if those games sound like fun right now....

And Duke Nukem Forever.....and Viva Pinata....and maybe Dungeon Keeper 2.....

Persia is conquered! (the province,not the faction)

A random blockade, because fuck it, that's why.

I wrest Persia (the province) from the Ottomans, and the actual Persians (who don't own Persia) appear to get mad and declare war on me. I don't call my allies to help because...well... this is Hard mode. Allies will more likely than not give you the finger and not join the war with you (which also breaks the alliance, making them more likely to declare war on me)

No you may not have Jamaica for something I'll be researching soon.

By soon, I meant the next turn.

So, the army with the Facebiters...is now en route to Greece, which after some reconnaissance is completely devoid of Polish troops.

SURPRISE BITCHES

I'm getting really war-weary from all the Ottoman raids on my provinces. I request peace. They accept without a moment's thought.

The garrison of Greece accepts my demand of surrender.....they had no hope of winning anyways...

Does this look familiar to you?

Hey uh....how come my walls are not repaired?

Due to some weirdass glitch the Termina Division now has a maximum troop number of 68, rather than 60. The green dragoons have a maximum number of 120 now instead of 60. So very strange...

To be honest, I actually find having holes in the walls to be easier to defend. On the walls, any segment can be attacked by the AI. With holes, I know the AI will probably pick one or two of them, and try to swarm it. This way I can set up killing zones. And by killing zones, I had trenches surrounding the kill-zones, spiky emplacements at the holes to kill off cavalry, and for the Guttersnipers, they mined the corner hole.

The Polish didn't bring as much artillery this time. Still, i think I'm going to just fight through the whole battle time limit.

Oh Guttersnipers, not only do you have to mine the damn place, you put down your own stakes too.

The AI is retarded. They sent their general in first. Probably because they "thought" that the light infantry (Guttersnipers) are away from the main force, which is a trigger to send in the closest cavalry unit to intercept. In a field battle, it might have worked, but this is a siege. I have guns pointed at every fucking square foot of every entrance, and the Guttersnipers aren't THAT far away.

Okay...so light infantry stakes aren't as effective as pre-deployed pointy walls, but still. The cavalry are dying....but not as much as I expected. The Guttersnipers are running into a building where they can snipe at attackers with impunity...although it's a tactic you've seen me use from before.

Of course...Winged Hussars give zero fucks about stakes and somehow a volley of lead does not deter them.

Sucks to be you, bro.

A better view of my defensive setup.

And one example of how attackers are given lead discouragement balls to discourage them from misbehaving. (If anyone gets the reference here, you will make me very happy)

-sigh-

Have a mine, suckers.

I had Order Militia garrison that building in front of everyone. Their melee stats are pretty good, and the AI seems to be drawn to assault the first garrisoned building in a fort, which will tie them up.

Did I mention that those spiky walls slow down infantry too? It won't kill them, but they have to take their time climbing over it.

What a mess. One thing I hate about light infantry is that they actually bother to plug up the gap and just shoot at you from there, whereas all other unit types will just go into melee mode and try to rush your defenders.

A long time passes, and the Termina Division runs out of ammo. So they get switched out.

Every corpse lying in the gap and beyond were killed by the Guttersnipers. Everyone else's range only extended to inside the fort.

I was sure I only killed about ~2000 in battle, but because I was "victorious", the game then treats the remaining enemies as "fleeing" and autoresolves my units running them down it, so basically I got 3000 free kills (and minimal losses)

An undefended Anatolia surrenders.

We be rolling in cash and unbridled hedonism.

A new heir...hmm...

Rebellions spring up in Anatolia and Persia, but they're nothing fire-by-rank can't take care of.

That other province next to Greece also surrenders.

I request peace with Poland for the heck of it. They miraculously accept.

Oh great Poland-Lithuania, YOU have been humbled.

So right now things seemed to have more-or-less stabilized. The Knights of St. John have established themselves as a respectable Mediterranean power. As of now, I'm planning on recovering (and lowering the tax rate so my cities don't grow poor) and replenishing my troops.

However, provided nobody declares war on me, I'd like to ask you, my fellow Knights of the SF Round Table, for opinions on my next course of action.

1. Fuck Poland, we'll stop at nothing until they're obliterated.

2. Fuck the Ottoman Empire, we spit on it and will finish what's left of them from this Earth.

3. Fuck the Mughal Empire, they attempted to wrest control of our assets in the New World and will pay for it. (Note that they own all of India. A war with them will be bloody.)

4. Fuck South America and those independent countries of Gran Columbia and Mexico, we'll grab their lands for our own purposes.

5. Other.

[Parrhesia]

I say we pick out the smallest lands first, and set up for a huge title fight later. Methods of doing so are at your discretion, although the Americas sound tempting...

[Integrity]

Mughal took India? What the FUCK?!

I say we fuck America. The whole thing.

[Acacia Sgt]

We now have the Ottomans at their last breath, right? Well, I'd say we go and finish them off.

[IGdood]

Okay, so that's all the "votes", I suppose, fellow Knights?

Well, I'll just wipe out Ottomans and whatever I can grab in the Americas then. (I don't feel like pissing off Great Britain for now.)

[IGdood]

Hello hello, this is a big update, so if it looks like I've left you hanging, it means I'm probably still typing up posts.

So we grab ourselves some more naval tech. Great. We're at peace (mostly) too.

Reformed Naval Administration just unlocks access to more naval tech...that's about it.

Improved Grape Shot "improves effectiveness" of grape shot. But I rarely use grapeshot though....

So, most of North America is owned by Great Britain and the Mughals. The rest of the lands are owned by Native Americans. South America is owned by Gran Columbia, Mexico, and Great Britain. The Knights own the islands close to the continent. The natives, Mexico, and Gran Columbia would be easy pickings. I'd rather not mess with the Mughals and British just yet.

Well the Ottoman Empire and their pitiful remaining two provinces (which somehow manage to provide enough money for 6 full-stacks, fuck you Hard campaign AI bonuses) declare war on me.

With Istanbul rather safe (with about a shitload of Polish armies on the border) I send our main army ( I need a name other than "main army") along with another army of line infantry to take over the remaining Ottoman provinces. They'll be bordering on Georgian provinces, which I'm fine with. Georgian armies really suck.. They don't even have tech since they didn't build a school. If the Ottoman provinces bordered with Russia, then I won't be taking them since the AI tends to declare war on you if your provinces are next to theirs.

Now you're probably wondering, what's the current status of the world right now? Why isn't the AI fighting each other? Well, they're all allied with each other. They won't be fighting each other anytime soon. Sweden is on their tiny island and staying neutral. The Dutch own Western Europe (Spain, France, and their own territories). Poland owns most of Europe in the middle, but I'm chipping away at them (sorta). The Mughals own most of India and their American colonies. Great Britain owns the Isle and their American colonies. As for me...I own the Middle East and Northern Africa, along with a lot of islands in the Americas. Unfortunately...that's about it for us. We may be able to handle 2 nations at a time, but 3 is the magic number, and will break us. Also, there's all the tiny minor nations like Persia, the Native Americans, and small German states such as Courland and Wurtemberg, but really they're just annoying.

Siege timez!

Our other elite army manages to get a surrender from this Ottoman province.

Hey look they're sallying!

I expect a quick battle. I was wrong.

Short story is long. The AI stayed in the fort, and I let the timer run out (they're sallying, which makes them the attacker.) I win, but the game decides that both sides suffered 0 casualties. In the meantime, I browsed forums and 4chan.

Here's a screenshot of the India theater. Mughal owns all, except Poland owning Goa. The island of Ceylon is owned by the Kandy Rebels and I believe it'll be a great staging ground for the Knights.

I send in a fleet of Light Galleys to raid the trade route here.

It's time to scout out the Trade Theaters. In Empire Total War, theaters are different sections of the world map (in case I didn't cover that) The European, American, and Indian theaters are where we'll be doing most of our fighting. Trade Theaters contain trade nodes, specific circles where you can place ships with the ability to trade to give you money. The nodes are probably all full by now, but we'll take a look around.

A huge Polish fleet in the India theater materializes out of nowhere and pwns the shit out of my light galley fleet.

Poland really enjoys blockading Malta's port, probably because they know most of my income comes from trade. if they do blockade it, my income of 12000 per turn can quickly drop to a deficit of 9000 per turn. You do the math. Of course I'll intercept the fuckers before they get to my port.

Now that I have enough ships of the line, I'll be forming two groups/lines of four ships each. The miscellaneous ships (White Base, Privateer, galleys) will be micromanaged and directed to wherever they are needed.

When ships are grouped together, they will follow the ship in front of them. Before I was obsessively controlling every ship individually, and I'm not the best naval commander out there so I figure that grouping might actually be more effective, allowing me to take a look at the big picture. Those two lines show the intended path you want them to move in, while the striped lines show the path that the ships are sailing.

You know, I'm sorry to say that even now I have trouble identifying between first rates and heavy first rates and second rates. Looking at their cards doesn't help, since I tend to get confused. I have to rely on the mouse, which is usually elsewhere so the screenshots won't be saying which ships is what. I do know that Indefatigable is at the highest level....though.

Line 1 engages the Polish fleet.

Privateer provides long-ranged support out of range of the enemy ships. White Base is pretty far away, but can come in anytime to give a punch.

And it gives a punch now, although it didn't seem to do much.....

Damn ship punches White Base back. It hurt. Sorta. Well I lost 4 cannons. Ow.

I never mentioned Line 2, did I? Well it's cutting into the Polish line from elsewhere. I believe snipping a single enemy line with two smaller lines is known as the "Scissor Maneuver"

Still, the Polish fight back pretty hard. My fourth rate takes a beating and decides to flee. Light galleys sink and surrender, but that's expected from them.

Even with groups things can still get messy....just like a land battle.

I wasn't watching where White Base was sailing, and it took a full on volley from a Heavy First Rate. Ouch.

That's one...two...three....well that's too many holes. White Base won't be sailing/fighting anymore in this battle. It's mandatory that you keep an eye on the holes in your ship hulls. If they're close to the bottom, try not to make the ships sail so much, or else they might take on water inside the hull. If you're already winning and you got some really beat up ships, you might want to turn off fire at will and keep them stationary so sailors can pump out water. The same goes for ships on fire. Make them stop sailing and turn off fire at will and the crew will try to put out fires.

Well, the Polish are defeated.....they put up a good one though.

I forgot to take a pic of the stats screen. =(

I decide to assault the last Ottoman province. There isn't much to say....it played out like any siege battle.

Except they put up a pretty good last stand.

Goodbye Ottomans!

Russia doesn't like me....from dishonoring treaties. What treaties? You mean going to war with your allies Ottoman and Georgia?

Reinforcements arrive to relieve our elite army of garrison duty. So let's move out...and...

...and look at trade nodes....and....

HERP DERP INTERCEPTED. I will be sure to look out for those swordsmen.

The Marksboyz have been taking a beating the last few battles (they did...right? or was I dreaming?) So I'll let them be in the rear.

Ah yes, I'll have the Facebiters stay close to the Guttersnipers. I'm sure their combo of long range, short range, good cop, bad cop, will serve us well.

Screenshot of our West European Infantry Mercenaries. Much more well-dressed compared to our line infantry, and more numerous...but stats are about the same.

Georgian reinforcements pop out of the corner of the battlefield. General first. Guttersnipers attempt a killing volley.

They fail. So the Facebiters try one too.

They also fail. That fucker is still alive and well, smashes into the Guttersnipers and Facebiters. Facebiters at least have a square formation to fight cavalry with, but the Guttersnipers....

...not so much. It's like giving a Soren a fucking knife and telling him to go stab a armor knight. NO.

Although I am glad that the Facebiters took the brunt of it. Guttersnipers would've been annihilated from that torrent of cavalry.

Well...we lost 40 Shotgunners already. I'd like to do a double facepalm but my hands are on the keyboard and mouse.

"Look sir, they're charging us."

"We have glowing gloves, POWER FIST THEM."

Meanwhile, the other Georgian group is unable to break through my lines.

Probably because the more beautiful your uniform, the more awesome you are. Garrison guards wear standard issue Seraph Robes that give low AC, bitches. (not really, but I'm a sucker for uniforms....and hats...gotta love hats...no cat in the hat though.)

[IGdood]

Come and get shot!

I get the Aesir Riders and Melon Cutters into position....

Hmm...maybe I should put up more troops to shore up this flank....

Maybe I should be scared of these guys? Maybe...

BLAM. EAT THIS.

Guttersnipers are happily firing away at the flank....enemy cavalry incoming...preparing to intercept with my ow.

Facebiters shoot at the enemy in the melee...

And on the other side, I fold back my flank in response to those soldiers trying to circle around.

Melon cutters charge at those swordsmen! They're cutting our infantry to ribbons.

Despite it being a rear attack, the swordsmen hold and do not break. Pull back, Cutters! This is a textbook example of the Cavalry Cycle. You charge, give it a few moments to see if the enemy breaks, and if they don't, you pull back and charge again. Using one cavalry unit for this is inadvisable because they will tire out easily. But since we have the Aesir......

....they can charge.

GO go go!

Second time breaks them like I broke my boiled egg this morning.

Meanwhile, the Shotgunners try to hold off the enemy horde, but it's not working.

Order is RETREAT!

Retreat failed...order is....hey hey I didn't tell you to CHAIN ROUT..... (Chain rout is when one routing unit causes other nearby friends to rout....and the cascade begins)

Order Militia --> Facebiter --> Mercenaries --> Guttersnipers (YES EVEN THEY ROUTED WTF IS THIS)

REFORM LINE DAMMIT

I will quote Shogun 2 Total War: "OWA MENH ARE RUNNING FROM TEH BATTERFIERD. SHAMEFUR DISPRAY!"

hey look general's bodyguard.....KILL THAT FUCKER

Also, massed cavalry charge.

Square formation THIS. Oh wait, they don't even have that ability.

Now it's their turn to chain rout. Hell yes. Probably cause I killed their general.

I suppose the Marksboyz slaughtered a lot of people while I was away.

Georgian skirmishers look kinda funny.

Surveying the line, i wonder why so many jaguar Squad died. Oh woops, I put the Termina Division behind them. FRIENDLY FIRE.

Stupid skirmishers. DIE

Well...stupid chain rout....

Well...it's time to get out of here....and off to the Americas. Turns out I can't replenish that oversized green dragoon unit.....

An empty trade node. How can this be?

BOARDING SHIPS.

Whee let's go to the Americas! Like a cruise trip.

Now we can sail even FASTER

I promote the captain of the Indefatigable to the rank of admiral. WHY IS HE POLISH. HEEL FACE TURN

Well we made it..

Gran Columbia has 3 provinces. Mexico only has 1. You do the math.

In the meantime I capture Corsica and Sardinia from the Polish. Those islands are mine.

Sail FASTER

So the Pueblo join you in your futile attempt to defend your homeland from our imperialistic interests? FUCK YOU IN THE NAME OF CAPITALISM AND EMPIRES.

I'm in ur province, sieging ur settlement.

They sally. I hope an actual battle occurs.

Nice hats dude.

To be continued....as I am leaving the house for now.

[Acacia Sgt]

Oh great, so we'll be eventually be fighting Russia? In Soviet Russia... wait, it's not even the time for that... or perhaps it never will be.

Gah, no, White Base got heavily damaged! Phew, at least it didn't sink. At least I'm prepared for that in the case it does sink, I'm requesting it's replacement be called 'Argama'. lol

Oh boy, so it's Mexico next. Ever since it showed up I was fearing this. Now I'm in a loyalty crisis... wait, the map doesn't even show the part where I live. So who cares anyway!? Go forth Knights of St. John! *shot*

Edited June 24, 2011 by Acacia Sgt