Let's Play: Empire Total War! - Knights of St. John run

[Integrity]

DO IT

I want to see TWENTY HOWITZER BATTERIES, STAT.

EDIT: Oh yeah, moving along. Go kill England.

Edited July 2, 2011 by Integrity

[Acacia Sgt]

I'd say let's be random.

Besides, it's Scandinavia, that is always a cool area to get. Norse rules!

[IGdood]

DO IT

I want to see TWENTY HOWITZER BATTERIES, STAT.

EDIT: Oh yeah, moving along. Go kill England.

TROLOLOLOL

I'd say let's be random.

Besides, it's Scandinavia, that is always a cool area to get. Norse rules!

Alright...after England.......perhaps.

Seems like the minor German states don't take kindly to their new neighbors.

They don't even have bayonets. You can send half the boys home! ha. Anyways, I'm pushing up more troops since the newly conquered areas will be rebelling soon.

Hum.

They declared war. They'll get what they deserved.

Hey look, a river. Did you spot it on the campaign map before I entered battle mode?

Their first army is already across the river, while enemy reinforcements are streaming in from behind it.

Double time, grenadier guards. You can deal with enemy cavalry crossing the river.

With their initial force quickly dealt with, we can set up some sort of killing zone for enemy reinforcements crossing the river

The grenadiers will hold off enemies until I can get everyone else into position.

Let's color the water red.

Blam, blam, blam.

Nice uniforms.

Step right in folks it's time to DIE

Maltese Blackguard to the front. Yes I know there's a lot of blokes in front of you, but think of all the chums to the rear of you.

Momentum is overwhelming, and the Wurtembergians retreat!

I'm not gonna let a shitload of experience points like this get away from me. ALL TROOPS, DO NOT FIRE, LOWER BAYONETS, AND PURSUE. I don't exactly order them to charge the routing enemy. I click on the location where the enemy will go, and the soldiers will do the killing as they make contact with the enemy. Otherwise, the chasing isn't as efficient.

Blackguard gains two levels in a single sitting. Well the grenadiers too.

The Wurtembergians bow to the Order.

Hannover is next.

Now our ships will be even more accurate in combat.

The Mughal offer me a pretty nice deal...I mean..infinite military access would be great since that means I can walk my armies around their lands... However, I can do the same thing...when I go to war with them some other time. =)

Hannover blocks the port in Malta, and then my income goes to the negative. I go bankrupt the next turn.

So, let's assault Hannover then. I've got eneough men.

The plan of action is to blast two holes into the enemy fort. I'll rush in my troops into both holes and attack the garrison. Meanwhile a unit will climb the walls and open the gates, so my cavalry can rush in from an undefended side and capture the flag in the middle of the fort BEFORE most of the enemy reinforcements arrive and wear down my weary troops by then. Any questions? No? Alright let's do this.

The first hole is blasted in.

Minutes later, the second hole is blasted in.

Guttersnipers rush in to provide covering fire.

Hannoverian cavalry charge out to intercept and delay my forces. I beg to fucking differ.

That's quite a lot of enemy troops....but as Ephraim said in the Sacred Stones, " I don't fight battles I can't win."

All units, melee mode and charge!

We seem to be making progress....

Fighting in the dark corner of a hole I made...

As some of the enemies were destroyed or routed, enemy reinforcements are now coming in quickly. ANGRY MARINES. HOLD. THEM. OFF.

But their cavalry are practically coming in from everywhere.

Disastrous setback. Due to my failure in positioning.....I put the Termina Division and Jaguar Squad and green dragoons behind the melee cavalry and they opened fire, killing off plenty of the Melon Cutters and Spiky Gitz. Now, will the remainder of the melee cavalry be able to finish the job?

More and more enemy cavalry are coming in...

I lose my cannons; the American Mercs finally finish climbing and have taken the gates. Now my cavalry can enter. I send the mercs to hit the Hanoverians from behind.

Facebiters, move in and provide close fire support!

Some of the enemy panic enough to rout....straight into the blunderbuss shotguns of the Facebiters.

[IGdood]

Cavalry, move out (well what's left of you anyways)! I've forgotten that the Termina Division are primarily melee cavalry, but I've been using them in a dragoon-like fashion for so long I've forgotten that they can actually kick ass with swords.

On the way to the captured entrance they are intercepted and delayed by enemy cavalry.

The combined force of 3 cavalry units defeats them, and we proceed on (albeit fatigued)

I pulled out the Avon Gate Foot due to losing 40% of their men and being fatigued. They need rest. Someone else will fight in their place until they are rested.

Coast is clear, let's go!

Meanwhile, the forces still outside set up a firing line to fight off enemy reinforcements.

Cancer Regiment has arrived

I have the Melon Cutters hold the flag. The countdown sure is keeping my adrenaline pumping...the Order Cavalry charge the defenders, hoping that they will be able to relieve some pressure on everyone else.

The charge doesn't do much, since they're so tired.....

Uh oh...enemy rtouched the flag,...timer reset....Melon Cutters in major trouble....

Fuck the defenders, save the Cuirassiers!

FORWARD YOU DOGS TO VICTORY

The Melon Cutters have finally had too much, and they panic and rout.

Note that the Order Cavalry use straight swords, rather than the typical European cavalry saber.

Timer reset again, enemy reinforcements in bound, my units are still trying to break through the defenders at the wall openings....

After some more fighting and 5 minutes, I win.

We win, Hannover is no more.

Replenishment will be delayed due to a lack of funds.

And Integrity, exactly what am I supposed to do with this? LOL

What the.....FUCK!

Also, all the cavalry leveled down after replenishment.

Listening to the band Pendulum while playing Empire Total War seriously gave me such an adrenaline rush....

Edited July 2, 2011 by skitarii

[Parrhesia]

...Does that say D'Amico? I think that means 'of male friend'.

I HAVE FAITH IN HIM

[IGdood]

...Does that say D'Amico? I think that means 'of male friend'.

I HAVE FAITH IN HIM

Well, let's see what happened....

Being outnumbered, all infantry to the ground.

They climb the walls, they enter the gates, and they get shot.

Those who get too close to the line infantry are chopped up into nice bite-sized chunks. Also, the Armed Citizenry served as roadblocks for the Polish soldiers, buying time for my soldiers to put out volley after volley after volley.

Their general commits suicide on the spiky barricade.

I guess we'll live to the end of this battle after all.

The enemy artillery did not flee after their infantry were destroyed. I sally out and melee the remaining cavalry and arty to death.

We survived, and the next turn we have "Classical Economics"

Venice's garrison starves out and it falls to us.

A fleet carrying a small army sets sail to somewhere. Where could it be heading for?

This one's for you, Integrity.

An all-howitzer full stack. Now what the hell am i going to do? Deploy in separate areas and rain hell, of course.

20 Percussion (fire bombing) shells blew this puny group out.

STEEL RAIN. SOME WILL DIE SOME WILL FEEL THE PAIN

Quicklime and percussion. Just....so beautiful.

There is no shelter.

Then I dropped back from the sky when cavalry charged out of the fort, straight at the howitzers. Then the shells missed. All of them.

Not good....we might have to fire the artillery DANGER CLOSE

okay, got rid of those guys...

uh oh..no. no. STAY THE FUCK BACK

More Polish troops are inspired by their provincial cavalry and run out the fort to melee us to death.

Don't wanna lose.. Don't wanna lose...

Fuck it, we'll swarm them with our crewmen and hope they kick ass!

Indeed, Polish asses were kicked.

Not even dragoons scare us!

And the last few of the garrison are bombed to death. Painfully.

That was a close one.

Now misfires will occur less frequently.

Berlin has fallen to the Order.

And that mysterious fleet was sailing to Ceylon, actually. We'll establish a naval base here.

New unit types!

Company Infantry - Practically identical to the regular line infantry, but with a different hat. Personally I like this hat more than that tricorne.

Sepoys - Cheaper, inferior version of line infantry that also happens to be heat resistant.

Company Cavalry - Identical to the regular European "Regiment of Horse" cavalry unit aside from hat. Rather inferior compared to the Order Cavalry unit.

Dresden, Saxony, has fallen to us.

Zagreb, Croatia has been liberated from their Polish oppressors.

Problem, Poland-Lithuania? trollface.

Indian Infantry mercenaries, a 200-man line infantry style unit. However, they do not use bayonets and are weaker than the European and American Mercenary units in terms of stats.

Sarajevo, Bosnia has joined us. I hope we don't find someone named "Kane" there....

Hm, an Albanian Warband. Irregular unit, long-ranged, weak at melee combat.

[IGdood]

As I march through the lowlands of Copenhagen, the Russian troops there move out to fight me. Let's go!

Time of day.....uhh....evening?

Fusiliers set up stakes on the flanks....just in case. Most likely the cavalry will then try to attack from the rear.

Percussion shells in the field. I've always neglected training Howitzer teams in most of my generic armies...... It's just so easy to spam click training line infantry.

Usually howitzers tend to miss. But the AI's howitzers always hits your guys. So unfair.

Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes, yargh!

Best way to edal with elite infantry? Outnumber them.

Unfortunately Russian troops are quite beastly in melee, so no doubt my troops will rout. I have reserves to replace them, of course, such is war.

"One death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic." I'm not sure if it's a sad thing that I'm starting to understand this quote. Seems like as long as I get results, it's all acceptable. Even though this is a game...but I do get attached....sometimes anyways.

Enough of my inner monologues, this cavalry unit did not touch the Howitzers. They switched direction in the last minute to attack the infantry. Bad choice.

Victory. 4 more similar battles (I swear the Russians pulled troops out of nowhere from Copenhagen, Denmark) happened later. I won them all. I didn't take screenies since they were repeats of the above screenies, except with less troops each time.

Denmark has been liberated from the greenies. The actual country of Denmark still exists in this game, except it's on the island of Iceland. Should I go conquer them?

Moldavia falls to us as my forces move deep into Russia.

Sheet lead cartridges. now our navies will have less of a chance of misfiring their cannons!

Let's hope we don't meet any angry Russians along the way.... (their armies are concentrated with the Polish in Istanbul)

A small navy delivers a big package. Hello Crimea. We are DAEIN.

Say hi to Finland.

Careful maneuvering on the campaign map past the Polish armies....and into their undefended provinces.

[Integrity]

Thank you. Just ...thank you.

[Rewjeo]

So, how many ingame years has it taken for the island of Malta to conquer all of this land?

[Integrity]

It's 1899 now. The campaign starts at 1700.

Each year is two turns.

[IGdood]

So, how many ingame years has it taken for the island of Malta to conquer all of this land?

It's 1899 now. The campaign starts at 1700.

Each year is two turns.

What Integ said. There's a date at the bottom right corner.

Same with Shogun 2. Maybe the screenshots are a bit blurry for you?

The force besieging Vienna, Austria is defending from a sally. let's do this, Order Members!

This time most of the reserves will be in the back.

This is the Albania warband.

So I waited 5 minutes. Then I realized the AI wasn't going to move. So I did my laundry and came back to find this screen. Thank you, AI glitches. You sallying out but not attacking means I win when the battle timer runs out. And you lose troops for losing the battle, even though no actual killing took place. Free experience points!

I believe this is the final tech I can research.

Hungary falls to its besiegers.

Austria falls along with that botched sally of theirs.

Ukraine belongs to the order now. If Russia was the mother, then the Order would be the father taking back custody of the kiddy provinces because the mom is fucked on vodka.

Prague has been taken from the Polish and given to us.

So does Bavaria. I'm practically pumping out stacks of line infantry every turn.

But at the same time, my income is going down from all the enemy raids on my farms, factories, and etc. I'm trying to take their provinces and hopefully their income will go down and their forces will disband. Lies, the AI gets bonuses, especially on hard campaign.

So, I sue for peace with Poland and Russia. They accept. My income jumps back up as I repair all my facilities. They don't declare war on me for some time too.

That's half the Polish army.

I buy military access from Denmark. Armies that disembark without a dock will have to wait a turn before being able to march. Well I wanted to take Iceland without the Danish doing anything. So, I paid them off with cheap military access.

A turn later....

Let's do siege assault..

Well, damn. The game crashes when I try to fight the Danish army. I'm not sure why, but I think that the mod giving the Danish extra units is having problems, so I do the next best thing. Auto-resolve. Luckily that was the only Danish province, and they're wiped.

However, the Danish also happened to be one of my trade partners. Killing them off caused my income to go from 25000 per turn to -16724 per turn. That's very bad. That means that I can't go to war with Sweden and Great Britain as I thought I could. Damn, who knew trade income was this important? I already raised taxes but then my income is still in the red. So, I ended up disbanding a lot of my armies in territories that are rather "secure." Secure as in...bordering the British and Mughal colonies in the Americas. I think I can trust on them to not go to war with me for now.

Motherfucker

So. I reloaded the game back a few turns, saved some more money BEFORE I wiped out the Danish, and now came a new problem. Poland and Russia are at peace with me. Poland is allies with Great Britain, the Mughal Empire, and Georgia. Russia is allied with Poland. My forces have already surrounded the Polish provinces and are ready for the final push. So, I declared war on Poland. Britain, Georgia, and Mughal then joined forces against me. My income was around -100000 or something. Reloaded the game again. I declared war on Russia, but her only ally is Poland. So, by declaring war on Russia, I got Poland to officially be my enemy again, and my trade partners didn't get involved because they weren't Russia's allies. Fucking diplomacy, how does it work!?

This, my friends, is going to be a headache. My computer was lagging to shit just at the campaign map.

With the way the armies were positioned on the map, I can expect reinforcements to arrive from...well...just about everywhere.

Right after I pressed that button, some units were already fighting. Off the map. You know, outside that red boundary? Order reinforcements and Polish reinforcements were already duking the fuck out OUTSIDE the map. Shit, this is hard evidence for the gravity of the situation. Namely, it's SERIOUS BUSINESS.

I form a quick battle line. The Polish are marching to meet my troops. Opening shots: Howitzer battery.

In one corner, line infantry and Albanian Warband reinforcements arrive. Cavalry quickly attack them, but they fight off the first unit.

In another corner, where the reinforcements were fighting, my line infantry came out victorious but I can't control them for some reason.

Shooting up a few cavalry units that try to attack my battle line.

The Albanian warband reinforcement pair were defeated by Polish light dragoons and riflemen. Damn. Well actually the light dragoons were driven off, but then riflemen sniped and routed the line infantry. So I put the Albanians in light infantry mode and hoped they could duke it out with the riflemen, but they were promptly charged by enemy cavalry.

All this fighting and the main battles lines haven't even clashed yet.

Fuck you, Polish cannons.

With new reinforcements coming in to replace my losses, I figure I can expend 4 units of line infantry and the cuirassiers to run up and hit the Polish flank, where their cannons are.

The cuirassiers charge, wiping out some light dragoons and 2 cannon batteries. The infantry are running over.

And shoot whoever's left.

More Polish reinforcements come in. The cuirassiers are expendable. They go wipe out an additional 2 cannon batteries before getting shot to death by Polish light infantry and riflemen. The infantry move in.

Fucking cheating AI. I can only deploy fougasses during the deployment phase BEFORE combat, but the Polish AI are able to deploy fougasse mines as soon as they enter the field. Anyways, this one was triggered by the fleeing cuirassiers, so it killed more Polish than it did the Order soldiers.

Polish reinforcements keep on coming in. These line infantry won't be enough to hold them off. Well, I've got MORE.

CHARGE. They're mostly light infantry so KILL EM ALL.

Just don't look at all the enemy units behind you, the howitzers will take care of them!

WELL. Another light infantry group enters the field, and they deploy an instant fougasse mine. The fuck is this bullshit?

And it's not that one corner of the battlefield I'm worrying about either. The main battle lines are shooting each other, and my reinforcements are being harassed by Polish cavalry reinforcements. It's like a game of RTS with two equal players. As soon as you think you've destroyed enough of the enemy units, more take their place, and as soon as yours are destroyed, you build more.

Push em back! Fire, ALL MUSKETS SMOKING

The Polish howitzer glitch/bug/cheat reappears. That crew of 20 each have an invisible howitzer cannon to themselves. 20 quicklime shells at once annihilated the infantry. MY infantry. I'm forced to charge.

[IGdood]

So, I've got an understrength Order Cavalry unit. let's try to get at those cheating howitzer crewmen with their invisible cannons.

Oh wait, nevermind that plan. Sharpshooters popped out of hiding and sniped the cavalry. My line continues to be bombed, and my own howitzers are having trouble hitting accurately.

Front row, you're mostly down to a few soldiers and almost out of ammo. You will be remembered, your families will receive a bonus for your sacrifice. CHARGE.

Soldiers moan and cry on the battlefield, cannons go boom, muskets go PHTOOM. It's a good day.

Reserve line, move up and FIRE AT WILL. Just try not to hit your friends in front of you.

Enemy cavalry gallop straight for the commander of this battle...the Howitzers. I had forgotten to move the howitzers up due to the immense amount of Polish troops...and...well...

My commander dies in the charge. A chain rout occurs....

And these fuckwits are still alive.

Anyone who's still standing out there....FUCKING CHAAAARRRRGE!

The first group is all but dead/unfit for combat. Here's my second line of reinforcements, fresh and ready for the killing.

Back at the front, the cheating howitzers were taken care of, and I throw what's left of the guys at the Polish infantry. They're too far away from the map border to withdraw anyways.

Here, what's left of them open fire on the Polish. True heroes, these generics.

A few enemy reinforcements won't deter me.

Feels like the battle has restarted itself. It's back to the beginning, just with a lot of corpses lying around.

Pandours? CHARGE.

Light Infantry? CHARGE.

Time is running out, and I'm the attacker here, so I'll lose if I don't rout them all soon.

CHHHHARGE

Wavering? WAVERING. ROUT YOU FUCKERS

Well, they routed, but before the game checked to see that all enemies were defeated time ran out. It was a valiant defeat.

However, I don't suffer a penalty for additional losses. The only penalty I got was that my forces retreated back to my home provinces instead of staying in Polish territory.

Coming up....Intercepted. I hope I don't lose.

That Valiant Defeat...it was a defeat, but that battle was one of the best I've ever had. The immersion, the screams, the gunshots, the explosions, reinforcements pouring in, just....THIS. IS TOTAL WAR.

Edited July 4, 2011 by skitarii

[Parrhesia]

I envy your entire life. That was... that was amazing.

I salute you.

[Rewjeo]

Most epic battle of the LP ever? It's a shame the timer ended it, though. I'm sure you could come up with some reason for RP purposes. Like your army had to retreat to regroup after losing the general. Or they just felt bad after killing like four stacks' worth of soldiers and decided to give the survivors a break.

[IGdood]

I envy your entire life. That was... that was amazing.

I salute you.

Thank you. I return the salute. There isn't much to envy though....

Most epic battle of the LP ever? It's a shame the timer ended it, though. I'm sure you could come up with some reason for RP purposes. Like your army had to retreat to regroup after losing the general. Or they just felt bad after killing like four stacks' worth of soldiers and decided to give the survivors a break.

I'll just say everyone got tired.

Previously on this LP, one of my generals was intercepted whilst marching his army deep into Polish territory. Horrendously outnumbered, let's see if I can pull a victory out of this.

Cavalry at the flanks....

Countered with a square.

The main battle begins. Opening fire. All fronts.

My heavy cavalry intercept enemy cavalry to some effect.

The Polish keep coming. We keep killing. But our numbers are dwindling.....very slowly..

All units, switch direction! Those infantry on my left have folded into the rear line as reserves. Those who were reserves are now at the right flank.

I spy lots of light infantry reinforcements. Looks like this cavalry unit will go on a suicide run.

Well maybe both, since there are just so many of them.

DEM CLOAKS

PUT HOLES IN CLOAKS

FIIIIRE

They seem to be without number!

PLOW THROUGH THEM

No new developments, just people coming to get shot and shoot back.

And my own troops are finally routing. I've got only several reinforcements.

Here I've surrounded a large group of Polish troops tied up in melee combat with some infantry. They were all shot in the back.

Hold the line dammit, HOLD

"There's too many of them! We can't hold!" I retreated my general so he can lead the reinforcements.

However, several units stayed behind and fought valiantly to almost the last man. Despite being surrounded on all sides.

Reinforcements, I hope you follow the example of your brothers, and HOLD THE LINE.

Outnumbered, outgunned, but not outmaneuvered.

Well, my fellow bodyguards. It looks like we're in a sticky situation. SO. Pull out our sabers, and let's have some Polish heads on the floor.

For the Grandmaster's honour, and St. John himself!

General vs. general!

Being a bit overwhelmed.

These winged hussars may be flying, they may have lances, but we've got 12-inch pieces of steel. BAYONETS!

They are without number!

That fellow is the commander of the reinforcements. He gives zero shits.

Charge! Before they reload!

Still they held....still they held.

[Acacia Sgt]

Wow, this is getting intense. Them Polish sure know how to fight back...

[IGdood]

So on a rainy Maltese night, grandmaster Skitarii was awoken to the knocking of a door. He bid the guest come in. It was a messenger. "Any news?" he asked. "Sir...the Finland invasion...." The messenger hesitated. Skitarii's face was grim. Speak. "Well...." the messenger handed a bloodied journal to the Grandmaster. Skitarii's hands shook as he opened the journal....there were bloodstains everywhere, some of the words smeared out in rusty flakes. "This......this is...."

July 4th, 1903. Operation Overlord is underway. Most of our forces had been entrenched alongside the Polish border for years now, gathering their strength and readying for the final push. The best of the Order's soldiers have been put on separate navies, invading some of the Polish lands by sea, where their forces cannot intercept us. However, we were sent to Finland to free it from the Russians. Our task was to carve a path from Finland to Ukraine, connecting these provinces together and removing the Russian and Polish naval presence. However, we underestimated the amount of Russian troops stationed in Finland. We were outnumbered. There was no retreat for us, for there was no dock during our disembarking, and we had to waste time. I hope we survive this. To be frank...I have not led an army before, I am a mere officer of a mortar battery. Yet, to entrust me with such a task, and the Grandmaster's Finest. I have heard tales of their exploits, from the veterans' of the Termina Division and their battles with the Barbary States, the Guttersnipers and their unequaled marksmanship, the Spiky Gitz, Aesir Riders, and Melon Cutters and their ferocious charges, to the Jaguar Squad and their resourcefulness in hiding and springing from ambush....to the steadfastness of Ironcraw, the Avon Gate Foot's brutal fighting techniques and warcries....(blood smears off the rest of the text) - Francesco Greco

We used the double line strategy, tried and true as stated in the Codex of the Order. The Facebiters and Guttersnipers were positioned along the edges of the line, ready to take out charging cavalry.

The Russian force truly is frightening. All of their units were armed with the pinnacle of technology and the best of training. There were no regular infantry units, only guards, grenadier guards, riflemen, and guard cavalry. They also outnumber us, I pray that St. John will guide us through this.

The advancing cavalry were easily shot down.

But their marines, not so much. Our mercenaries lacked the training, but they made up for it in numbers. However, enemy fusiliers and other assorted infantry came to our right flank. The militia, experts in close combat, were ordered to charge. Their morale may be low, but these Maltese citizens only did two things on their island: Hunt, and farm.

The Spiky Gitz were ordered to circle around and hit the fusiliers from the rear. It was very successful, and broke them instantly.

The Aesir Riders were not so fortunate. The Russian sharpshooters switched targets from the Marksboyz to the cavalry, and opened fire. They were still cut down, although the desired effect was not achieved as quickly.

The line infantry in the middle of our line were unable to hold back the expert Russian melee fighters, and it began to crumble despite ranged cavalry support.

Our own guard troops struggled to contain theirs. Their grenadiers made their way over to my mortars...and...I quaked in my boots. But I saw the looks of the other elite soldiers. They stood resolute, their own comrades dropping to the floor in spurts of blood. But still they fired.

I fled. My men were not trained in swordsmanship. We were no match for the Russian grenadiers.

At this point the handwriting on the journal changed.

This is Olanius Pius, officer of the Garrison Guard. Commander Greco has fled. I wouldn't blame him, as our lesser soldiers have also fled. The Russians flee just as easily with concentrated fire, however they are quite numerous and my men are tangled up even worse than that time with the Ottomans. As of now we have defeated their first army and their second army is trickling in. Our flanks are still covered. The Guttersnipers have volunteered to fill in a gap in the front line left behind by the militia and line infantry.

New report: The Spiky Gitz charged a group of Lancer Guards to stop a flank attack that would've caused massive casualties to the infantry. We owe our lives to them.

The Facebiters have also formed a square to stop cavalry from flanking us, thus allowing us to better deal with the incoming Russian infantry.

New report: Russian howitzers have begun to pour quicklime on our right flank.

I have looked for possibilities to deal with the Howitzers, but there are breech loaders watching the field out there. The Marksboyz will have to endure the torrent of acid for now.

Horse grenadier guards hit our flanks. They fall easily to musketfire, but they dealt much damage themselves. I would say they are nearly equal to the green dragoons, and have the fighting abilities of the famed Anon/b/ Knights.

New report: The breechloaders seemed to be inspired by their grenadier comrades and have decided to charge the Marksboyz. The Jaguar Squad circled around and fired into the mass of Russians.

The Melon Cutters have also taken this opportunity to circle around and hit the Russians int he rear, but the horse grenadier guards turned around and opened fire, breaking much of the momentum of the cuirassiers.

The Aesir Riders had galloped across the whole battlefield, avoiding Russian troops. They finally found an opportunity to charge the Howitzers. It didn't break them, and the Riders had to withdraw as a group of marines came running by to catch them.

New Report: The melon Cutters fight in a 1:1 kill ratio with the Russian grenadier horses. The decisive breaking factor was the Jaguar Squad, who fired into the rear of the Russians.

By St. John! The Polish howitzer crews seemed to have meddled with the occult once again! They're firing 20 quicklime shells, decimating our troops fast. We must act now, with those rifles out of the way we can intercept them.... The Guttersnipers also took heavy casualties.

Unfortunately the Aesir are unable to intercept, as they are being pursued by Russian marines.

The Spiky Gitz were forced to withdraw, although not quite as reluctant as they had hoped. Being pelted by 20 quicklime shells is.....brutal.

New report: Inspired by our acts of bravery, the Facebiters charged a Russian hand mortar company, bravely dodging the grenades shot at them. The melee was quick and brutal.

The last of the Russians, the exhausted marines who were pursuing the Aesir, were quickly gunned down as they reached our lines.

July 5th, 1903. The Russians were relentless. The first attack had taken a large toll on us, and already another army marches in its place. This second attack would be easier to defeat compared to the last one, but they had brought their legendary 64-pounder Tsar Great Cannons to bear on us. St. John preserve us. I have lost more than half my mortar crew, as well as the army. Still, the men are cheerful, as though they were at peace. Is this what it means to be one of the Order's Finest?

It was a very rainy morning. One must wonder if the droplets are St. John's tears.

[IGdood]

But I do not have much time to write now. I have to focus on the battlefield. The Russian general galloped up to us and thought to taunt us. He was shot dead.

Horse grenadiers tried to flank us through the woods. The combined charge of all our cavalry stopped them.

The gunshots raged as all the men fired as much as they could. I myself had to help with loading the mortars.

The fighting in the woods was fierce, with neither side refusing to give ground. Not even the horses were fazed.

I turned around to see Ollanius Pius and his men engulfed in a wave of Russian cavalry. They just turned around, and stuck their bayonets into the closest mount and continued firing.

The Facebiters ran to shoot the horse grenadiers. Unfortunately, they were too late in saving the Spiky Gitz and the Aesir Riders. Most of them were killed.

I turned around once more to hear cries of "RETURN FIRE YOU VODKA-DRENCHED SHIT-SMELLING COCKSUCKING FUCKHOLES!" The ANGRY MARINES, always furious for some reason, were particularly today. They awoke and gave a great feral cry.

This battle was clean and quick. It was...... pure. I....I will not run away again. That is not the way.

July 6th, 1903. We sighted a third Russian attack force marching our way. They are only a few hours away. I looked at the remaining of our army, and they looked up to me. They know what was coming. They know this battle would be their last. I was never a good speaker, but today, I had to say something. I opened my lips, and only one line came out. "Well, we're not getting out of this. So let's take as many of those Russians with us, shall we? When you gut them with steel, you look them dead in the eyes and you tell them that YOU sent them to hell." The cheers came, along with clapping and "FUCK YEAH" from the ANGRY MARINES.

Our uniforms were tattered, bloodied, and muddied. We fought to our last, still with bandages, some with fresh blood on. They came, they engulfed us, and we made them choke. Indeed, they suffered greatly at our hands. For every drop of our blood spilled, we spilled a gallon of theirs. For every man of ours they killed, we took down 4 more.

New, and Last, Report: This is officer Ollanious Pius. Commander -bloodsmear- has fallen in combat. We gave those Russians a good beating. As of now, I only have a handful of brothers left fighting with me. We are broken in body, but never have we been stronger in spirit. I am proud to have served the Order of St. John. May we all meet again at the right side of our patron, Saint John of the Hospitallers.

Grandmaster Skitarii closed the journal. He asked the messenger,"Where are the final killing records of Grandmaster's Finest?" "Milord, they were not recorded down, but from gossip and reports gathered from our spies it was believed that all of our soldiers performed equally well in their last stand." "....." "Further instructions, milord?" "Knight them all. Prepare an induction ceremony. They...they deserve this."

Took me quite awhile to write this. But....it was a Total Party Kill. They're gone. They made an epic last stand and fought to their last breath.

[Parrhesia]

"They... they are dead. The sons of Malta have fallen."

Agustino di Visco shook his head, melancholic through his very soul. "Our finest are gone."

Another voice coughed, this one belonging to a brash young firebrand of the court. "No, Viscount," he said. "They are more alive than any...they who have died the death of a TRUE warrior!"

He glared around the court at the wincing faces of the aging nobility. "Have you grown so old that you have forgotten our teachings? Our honoured Measure?"

"The Measure of the Hospitaller-"

"Has been forgotten too long!" roared the youth. "Too long, I say, we have COWERED in our holdings, allowing the young to die for us while we grow old and decadent here, in Malta, resting on the laurel of our forefathers... NO! This cannot stand. Another army shall fight on the horizon, the Royal Army of Malta, and I ALONE shall be their leader! ALL EUROPE SHALL QUAKE AT OUR PASSING!"

There was a roar throughout the court, and it was on this most crucial of moments that Europe's fate span on a coin's edge.

Only the Lord himself could tell whether His faithful would fall in a blaze of glory, or rise up and conquer for the glory of the Order.

[IGdood]

Anyone have suggestions on replacements? The previous other named characters are somewhere in the warzone, I just don't know which army since I've got plenty of garrisons and armies walking around.

However, since the Order belongs to the "minor nation" category in the game files, we actually don't have that much unit variety than say, if we played as a major nation such as Great Britain or the Polish. We don't get breech loading rifles, we don't get 32 pounder howitzers (we have the standard 24 pounders)....etc.

Indeed, Furet. A new elite army of Malta will rise.

Edited July 5, 2011 by skitarii

[Acacia Sgt]

Man, those Russians will pay! Gah, there went almost all of my named units...

Will think of the replacements soon enough...

[IGdood]

Man, those Russians will pay! Gah, there went almost all of my named units...

Will think of the replacements soon enough...

Yeah...not even the Termina Division, the OLDEST veterans of the Maltese Army survived. Holy hell, they've been in service for 200 years since the beginnings in the 1700s when the Order was having problems with survival alone!

Reminds me of Sigurd.....

My poor...ANGRY MARINES. Perhaps the Cancer Regiment will live up to their name.

Thing is, this is only a set of three battles in ONE zone.. I've got about 5-6 potential battlezones scattered around the Polish lands. The thing is, each one will take a ludicrous amount of time. Do you want me to post all of them as I wage war or only the important ones? If I post all of them, things are gonna be pretty slow.

Edited July 5, 2011 by skitarii

[Parrhesia]

Finland is verily our Barhara.

Feel free to pick and choose. This is to be a truly elite army after all, and it would not become the order to elect for form over function.

[spoiler=YE LISTE]

Sharpshooters/Fusiliers/Something Snipish

82nd Dessedor Longshotsmen

96th Napoli 'Argent Brigade' Rifles

Marines/Company Infantry/Something Basic

29th Facebreaker Battalion

60th Scabrous Brigandines

1st Barhara Dudefellows

Cavalry of some kind (Order?)

Bruno's Brutalisers, 85th Malta

Luca's Lacerators, 86th Malta

Artillery

Whole Lotta Rosie

Little Friend

Take highlights from the rest, as well as particularly vital battles (sieges over capitals or whatever). But keep the spotlight on the main group.

Edited July 5, 2011 by Furetchen

[Acacia Sgt]

If it's out Barhara the Aesir Riders were definitely the ones most upset know that they are in... Valhalla... *shot*

Okay, bad attempt at a pun (heh, Finland is practically next-door of Scandinavia), but anyway...

For my fallen cavalry, I shall request the rise of the 'Arni Militia' (Order Militia Cavalry) and 'Fearsome Vanir' (Order Cavalry). Meanwhile, the 'Brown Eagles' (Mounted Tribal Auxiliary) set forth on the path the Jaguar Squad never saw the end of.

Quite, it'll basically be the mkII of my fallen guys. I could probably have been more varied, but first let's see how these fare against the chaos that is Northeast Europe... or any other battlefront I'd guess...

[Parrhesia]

The Royal and Most Valiant Army of the River Como can and will fight anywhere and everywhere.

...Don't ask me why Como. I don't even think we HAVE Northern Italy.