Radiant Dragon Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 (edited) I am not the best at these types of discussions, so I apologize if anything I say below is out of line. Feel free to ignore it if that is the case. I will not pretend to understand what you're going through right now. However I feel that now might not be the best time to try and work through a divorce with the foreclosure and debt that needs to be dealt with first. It is my opinion that you need to do some serious soul-searching to come to a decision about what is best for your happiness and, more importantly, what is best for your children, before you take action. I can not condone staying in such a one-sided relationship, but rash action is not what is called for in this situation, either. That being said, the above paragraph is probably completely unnecessary as it sounds you are already keeping all of these things in mind. It gladdens me to hear what you wrote about remaining positive and optimistic, because giving into despair will only exacerbate your current situation. It does sadden me to hear that you're in such a terrible situation, because you seem to be a really great guy from what I've seen on the forums. Things will get better, so do whatever you can to preserve until then. Edited January 31, 2014 by Radiant Dragon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shadowofchaos Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 I'm honestly only still reading this thread because I wanna see where Klok's going with this I will formally apologize to Elie later... but DAMN, this is a good read. Following/10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleph Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 I think I'm more disappointed in the people making posts like ^ that than the people actually shitting up the thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandomX2 Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 Damn, stranger. There's many sides to a story, so I won't offer any judgement or advice. Sounds like you just needed to vent a bit. You have my sympathy, for whatever it's worth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Refa Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 Sorry Elieson, I can't really empathize with you (well, on a level other than WOW THAT SUCKS) leading a comparatively sheltered life, but my hopes and well wishes do go out to you and your children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CT075 Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 as much as i sympathise (wish i could say i feel for you but i really hvae no idea what it's like) with you elie this thread is really only worth it for klok Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 1. This is the wrong thread to be a shithead. Kindly desist. 2. Elie, if you wanna talk, feel free to PM me/find me in my usual spots. Likewise, if you need someone else to help you with mafia, gimme a holler. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluedoom Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 Eh, I can't really say anything different from what a lot of people empathizing you are saying. I do think you shouldn't regret or self-doubt though. You know what's best for your life, just go with your gut, at least you'll be happy that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hawk King Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 Elie that really sucks. Im gonna have to agree with Black ops. Your wife sounds like a terrible person from what you described. If you cant work something out to make your relationship more 2 sided, you need to divorce the bitch. In the meantime, there is nothing wrong with living with your parents until you get back on your feet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki Laufeyson Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 In the meantime, there is nothing wrong with living with your parents until you get back on your feet. It is when you have children in tow. His parents may not have the room for the whole lot. If he has that option and his parents can help out, that could make things easier on him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
euklyd Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 Wow. I can't say much, other than wow that sucks, and I hope everything works out for you and yours. I'm not interested in judging anyone, or offering advice, because I'm sure you know way more about your life and circumstances than anyone here does (let alone what I do), and you have reasons for the things you do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sifer Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 (edited) I can empathize, My parents divorced and my dad stopped paying the mortgage . :( We are going to be evicted soon, just a matter of months I guess. Start planning ahead Elie, where will you live? Do you need to place a down payment for an apartment? Now is the time to have a budget if you don't have one. For subsidized insurance there is Obamacare if that is what you needed. I am sure we can both work out our problems. My mother and her sons(that includes me) have already have a plan what to do when we get kicked out. Thankfully for us, two out of the three sons are 18+ and can help take care of the little one, It must be terrible for him :( Edited January 31, 2014 by sifer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dondon151 Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 unless black op guy has parenting experience, you probably shouldn't listen to what he says. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Espinosa Posted January 31, 2014 Share Posted January 31, 2014 unless black op guy has parenting experience, you probably shouldn't listen to what he says. It's actually almost always like that when people give "relationship advice", whether irl or online: "X doesn't deserve you / You should leave X right away / Don't marry X" as opposed to actual insight how any of the problems should be resolved. My own relationship-related misfortunes left me with very little besides depression that I've found very hard to overcome so I can't be too helpful here, but my advice will be more general: stay reasonable and keep calm so that you don't do anything in emotional affect that you end up regretting later, with all irreversible consequences included. We believe you in, man, and your masculinity which does lie in handling responsibilities reasonably and not pointing fingers at your significant other and exclaiming "get our of my life bitch" everytime something goes wrong (and serious problems are inevitable in married life, and a lack thereof often just conceals a bigger catastrophe that's latent for a long while). Remember that you have the kids whose future is very directly linked to the conditions and atmosphere in which the dawn of their lives happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elieson Posted January 31, 2014 Author Share Posted January 31, 2014 Not much point in condescending you with pity, so I'll just say that you seem like a resilient individual who can overcome many hardships. You sound like you may in the middle of a midlife crisis yourself, having failed to hold up on your plans. Will you be more cautious and defensive moving forward, or will you keep on as you have been up to this point? I'm not that down on myself. I have lots of things in my life keeping my busy, but I like them all. Both of my jobs (and my designing) keep me both engaged and happy, and I certainly enjoy being an involved and active father. I may not be the absolute cream of the crop of parent-dom, but it isn't so hard that it bums me out. It's more like the lack of support that I had grown used to having, and how it hit me like a brick. Personal philosophy really. My children love their mother, so it's my responsibility to make sure that the kids have what it is that they deserve. As for moving forward, well I'm calling the shots now. I have an appointment with a banker later on to get a new account set up and have all my existing funds transferred into it, as I can't always trust that my savings will be there tomorrow. Regarding anything else, well it's more or less "we'll cross that bridge when we get there", with as much research and prep work as possible. Though, I could use some help packing over the next three days. That sounds tough. Judging from what you're describing, seperating yourself from that woman seems like the right thing to do, even if that means you'll be lonely for a while. No point in clinging to a completely one-sided relationship. Just like you have said yourself, though, things will eventually get better. Things rarely go as planned, but just like there are low points in life, so are there high points. Like I said, it wasn't always this way. I figured after her midlife crisis had subsided, things would return to normal. I'm pretty much at the point now where after years, I'm tired of being patient because I have things to do in my life that demand my optimism and focus, and while we'd be fine as roomates (since kids and all), being in a "relationship" is getting to be another story. i don't like you, so this is going to be easier for me to give it to you straight at some point in time you had your manhood cut away from you figuratively and you never found it again. now you're so deep in shit and either more in love with her than she is with you, or you're doing what typical givers do, and going out of your own way and sacrificing your health and priorities for the kids you probably should never had taken responsibility for in the first place (read: because the original decision of marriage was probably not thought very through on your part, not because loving your kids is bad) you're gonna have to fucking man up and cut her loose and take custody of the kids, or you can cut the whole thing loose and be that dad some unfortunate kids have the displeasure of knowing as "he went out for cigarettes one day and never came back into our lives" the decisions up to you but i suggest you start prioritizing what's logical, possible and important for yourself and your progenity as for the money situation and losing the home, that sucks big time. speaking from experience, depending on someone else to help keep your home and home loss all together isn't a pleasant memory to have, and i hope you bounce back p.s. i don't know why you're such a nice fucking guy, but letting a woman (that i would like to think of as my wife) "cheat" for a year on me, then supporting her "temporary boyfriend"? in your own fucking house? are you fucking kidding me? real talk that's a fucking dealbreaker for me, i don't know about you bro, i understand you have kids, and she's the mother of your daughter, but jesus fucking christ have some fucking self respect for yourself instead of being a goddamn doormat i apologize for the profuse language but i just have no other way of expressing my disgust clearly because i'm terrible with feelings All you guys took offense to this, but I don't see what the big deal; his message is/was pretty clear. Get back my manhood (meaning humility and dignity, not manliness, geez), and decide what I want to do with my life, and then act on it. Quickly. It's a good message to see, and I support it. I'm to the point where I'm done being a doormat (as you said), and ready to do something about it. Custody issues, well I'll get to that later in this post. black ops and I have our history, but I think it's pretty cool that he even came in here to say anything at all. have you tried applying for government aid? looks like you could use some right about now. Our "combined" income is mere dollars above the minimum line for me to qualify for subsidized living aid. I might be able to qualify for food stamps, but at this point, with taxes and everything changed, I'll need to figure out exactly how I'm allocating my funds in the immediate future before I can apply for anything. .... Being a grown up really fucking sucks sometimes. This is a kind of personal question, but if you were to divorce your wife, could you gain custody of the children? This is a thorny issue regarding the oldest boy, seeing how he's her's, but like, is there a way? Cuz if so, and it being relatively painless, i would suggest divorcing. It may suck, but yeah. If theres a way to work it out between you two, great. But it sounds like that may not be very easy or even eventful. And now you have to look for a new place to live on top of it. Im not sure what housing costs are like in your location, but the US has been having issues with costs lately. Its serious balls. Trying to get a place on such short notice is also shitty. Good luck, mang. Yer so young...like seriously...Its pretty rough when someone so young gets all this heaped on at once. (yeah, 25 is young.) What? One of those children is his biologically. Come on... The housing market in the US is shaky as all heck, because the Dollar isn't what it used to be. Also, getting a divorce is a tricky situation. With My wife and son being here from Canada on a K1 Visa, I have to be careful and make sure that a divorce doesn't cause her (and thus, Tyler), to be deported back to Canada for stupid violations. Immigrating legally into another country is a pain in the ass, and custody of a foreign child is leagues more complicated. I'll take a closer look at documentation over the next few days and see what I can figure out. MAXIMUM TROLL ENGAGED Klolk, classic. 10/10 I didn't get it all I wish I could do more than just offer condolences and pray for you, but I'm afraid that's all I can do right now. Do you really live in North Houston? I just checked, and apparently that's only about 600 miles from where I live. If I could, I'd head over there and give you a hug (I'm not a cuddler like you, but I'm fond of hugs, even with guys). Sadly, I don't have that luxury, so I can only pray that everything works out with as little pain and stress as possible. Just north of North Houston, actually. There's another couple of SF members in Texas around me (Redwall and Ciarre come to mind). Neat to see another person that isn't that far away from me though! wow never change SF This Should've posted this in General instead of FFtF, Elie. ;/ Eh, doesn't matter as much to me where it is, because I just needed to get it off of my chest. Elieson, I don't know you at all, but I'll pray to the gods I don't believe in for your sake. (In all seriousness, I'm pretty much an atheist...) ...I agree. Doesn't bother me. I'd consider myself a Diest, if anything (which isn't that much different). I am not the best at these types of discussions, so I apologize if anything I say below is out of line. Feel free to ignore it if that is the case. I will not pretend to understand what you're going through right now. However I feel that now might not be the best time to try and work through a divorce with the foreclosure and debt that needs to be dealt with first. It is my opinion that you need to do some serious soul-searching to come to a decision about what is best for your happiness and, more importantly, what is best for your children, before you take action. I can not condone staying in such a one-sided relationship, but rash action is not what is called for in this situation, either. That being said, the above paragraph is probably completely unnecessary as it sounds you are already keeping all of these things in mind. It gladdens me to hear what you wrote about remaining positive and optimistic, because giving into despair will only exacerbate your current situation. It does sadden me to hear that you're in such a terrible situation, because you seem to be a really great guy from what I've seen on the forums. Things will get better, so do whatever you can to preserve until then. Pretty much these too. Pessimism never really helps, and I learned that at an early age while watching my dad succumb to it during his divorce (I was 8 at the time, it took 2 years for him to bounce back and snap out of an almost "cruise controlled" state. My optimism is what keeps me pressing forward, because there is a solution out there, I just have to find it. Elie that really sucks. Im gonna have to agree with Black ops. Your wife sounds like a terrible person from what you described. If you cant work something out to make your relationship more 2 sided, you need to divorce the bitch. In the meantime, there is nothing wrong with living with your parents until you get back on your feet. Again. She didn't start that way, but of course, things change over time. More on this later. It is when you have children in tow. His parents may not have the room for the whole lot. If he has that option and his parents can help out, that could make things easier on him. If my daughter was <4, it'd be a big deal, but now, it's not quite as bad. We have been discussing it (my father/stepmother and I), and they've welcomed us into their home for the time being. They're trying to sell their house, so I don't know how long we'll be able to live with them, but: A home is a home My family is supportive in their own way, which I generally accept My kids, especially my daughter, loves them (as well as likes them) The biggest thing is that my wife doesn't like them a whole lot, and a significant chunk of why we moved out originally is because of them trying to take over the role as mom/dad to the kids, which while I spoke up against periodically, she completely despised. At this very moment though, if we were to move back in with my family (for however long that might be), I have no problem with it. She's been invited, but if she chooses not to (which I suspect she may say), she's more than welcome to come by and see the children. Her plan is to move into an apartment that we can afford (which realistically, is a pretty small 1 bedroom apartment), and that's not giving my children a home that they deserve. I have a better option available, and I'm going to try to take it. I can empathize, My parents divorced and my dad stopped paying the mortgage . :( We are going to be evicted soon, just a matter of months I guess. Start planning ahead Elie, where will you live? Do you need to place a down payment for an apartment? Now is the time to have a budget if you don't have one. For subsidized insurance there is Obamacare if that is what you needed. I am sure we can both work out our problems. My mother and her sons(that includes me) have already have a plan what to do when we get kicked out. Thankfully for us, two out of the three sons are 18+ and can help take care of the little one, It must be terrible for him :( It's almost nice to see someone else going through the same sort of crap I am. Not that I wish it on anyone or anything, but the sympathy is there, and it makes me feel like I'm not the only one, and it's not as bad. Know what I mean? It's actually almost always like that when people give "relationship advice", whether irl or online: "X doesn't deserve you / You should leave X right away / Don't marry X" as opposed to actual insight how any of the problems should be resolved. My own relationship-related misfortunes left me with very little besides depression that I've found very hard to overcome so I can't be too helpful here, but my advice will be more general: stay reasonable and keep calm so that you don't do anything in emotional affect that you end up regretting later, with all irreversible consequences included. We believe you in, man, and your masculinity which does lie in handling responsibilities reasonably and not pointing fingers at your significant other and exclaiming "get our of my life bitch" everytime something goes wrong (and serious problems are inevitable in married life, and a lack thereof often just conceals a bigger catastrophe that's latent for a long while). Remember that you have the kids whose future is very directly linked to the conditions and atmosphere in which the dawn of their lives happens. My number 1 motivation in life is to be the best dad that I can be. If it means that I need to bite my tongue now and then, or keep a level head 24/7, I will adhere to that as best as I can. To everyone, I appreciate the good wishes. I mainly needed to get it off of my chest, and had nowhere else to really put it out there except by shouting it in my backyard to my Spanish neighbors or taking it with me to work in the evening. For the time being, my father is out of town, but I have access to his trailer, so I'm going to spend the next two days packing and moving, with whatever help I can get from my wife. The owners of the restaurant that I manage was kind enough to lend me use of their [pretty empty] storage unit for some time, so I have a place to move things while getting them out. Priority number 1 after the kids is to get all of our precious belongings and such out from our home, before the red slip is taped to the door. He returns on Tuesday, 24 hours prior to the foreclosure being presented to my door, so I'll figure out where I'm staying before then. Apartments aren't in high availability right now, so with my parents it'll probably be. They aren't exactly excited about it, but sympathize with me, that the children need to be somewhere familiar, in a place that they'll be taken care of and have the space they need to be themselves. Waifu objects, but that's her problem now. 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eclipse Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 A WILD RADIANT DRAGON APPEARED! Glad to hear that things are (sort of) working out. I'd suggest posting semi-serious stuff in General, at least. It'll make us mods happier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FionordeQuester Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 Elieson, everyone else said everything that needed to be said in regards to how much this sucks (and it truly does suck), so...now I have two questions... 1) Have you guys filed for divorce and/or have already talked about doing so? 2) Have you talked with her about these issues of yours? About how you feel like she's been distant from you and all of that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleph Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 I feel like if he's here to read our responses he's not using his time as effectively as he should be. Go ahead and keep making shitty posts though guys! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FionordeQuester Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 (edited) Eh, I don't think it's a waste of time. I mean, I DO think he'd be better served trying to talk to a marriage counselor, but, it may not be an option for him at this point. And when you don't know what to do, well, it's usually good to try to get another perspective on your problems. Edited February 1, 2014 by FionordeQuester Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moira Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 (edited) I wish you and everyone involved good fortune. I am not in a position to give any credible advice that would be useful to your situation, so this is the best I can do. As for the whole manhood thing, using words such as those are bound to cause confusion. If what you did mean was dignity and humility ( I dont want to assume what you meant at this point) it might have been better to just say that, because thats not what i first took it to mean, same as others. As for klok, after all the other posts, I didn't have it in me to read all of yours, which I'll have to do at a later point in my life. I also cannot express my feelings on your signature in words as of yet, so i'll get back on that later too. Once again, good luck with your situation! edit: I feel like I should know what fftf means, but I really dont. anyone care to give a quick response? Edited February 1, 2014 by n00srac Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleph Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 Marriage counselor?! This dude needs like a debt consolidation or some shit. A loan maybe? His credit is probably dumped on by this point but yeah he has financial problems affecting his ability to take care of himself. Never mind taking care of his presumably unfair marriage. Look what the next poster said, that everyone else has said when not being a shithead like klok, or a bigger shithead by praising klok and discounting Elieson's thread: "not in a position to give any credible advice". This is pretty spot on. Yes, "other perspectives" are usually something you'd strive for to have an objective view about a given scenario, but really? What can a bunch of dumb kids and well off adults provide in this less than appropriate medium? I get that Elie needed a place to vent, and this home away from home was the place for him to do it, but he needs the sort of real help we'd love to give and have no ability to. Well, some of us would like to give it. It seems others would rather tool around. Yeah maybe this should have been posted in general. I certainly wouldn't have seen it in that case but maybe that's not a bad thing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FionordeQuester Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 (edited) I'd still say he should see a marriage counselor if he still wishes to be with his wife in any capacity, and he's able to do so without risking serious harm to his financial situation. I mean, who better to help counsel him on his marriage than someone who has that as a job? EDIT: Actually, now that I think of it, that might be a good test of whether or not his wife is worth trying to patch things up with. Is she willing to go to marriage counseling, or is she so wrapped up in herself that she won't even do that much? If not, I'd say that's a good indication of whether or not trying to stay with her will work. Edited February 1, 2014 by FionordeQuester Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prims Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 Marriage counselor?! This dude needs like a debt consolidation or some shit. A loan maybe? His credit is probably dumped on by this point but yeah he has financial problems affecting his ability to take care of himself. Never mind taking care of his presumably unfair marriage. Look what the next poster said, that everyone else has said when not being a shithead like klok, or a bigger shithead by praising klok and discounting Elieson's thread: "not in a position to give any credible advice". This is pretty spot on. Yes, "other perspectives" are usually something you'd strive for to have an objective view about a given scenario, but really? What can a bunch of dumb kids and well off adults provide in this less than appropriate medium? I get that Elie needed a place to vent, and this home away from home was the place for him to do it, but he needs the sort of real help we'd love to give and have no ability to. Well, some of us would like to give it. It seems others would rather tool around. Yeah maybe this should have been posted in general. I certainly wouldn't have seen it in that case but maybe that's not a bad thing Obviam gets it. I hope things work out for you, Elie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inui Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 is this guy really my age and already married with two children and has been for 7 years wtf I'm 25 and just now getting an apartment and wouldn't even dream of having kids yet. ~_~ i don't like you, so this is going to be easier for me to give it to you straight at some point in time you had your manhood cut away from you figuratively and you never found it again. now you're so deep in shit and either more in love with her than she is with you, or you're doing what typical givers do, and going out of your own way and sacrificing your health and priorities for the kids you probably should never had taken responsibility for in the first place (read: because the original decision of marriage was probably not thought very through on your part, not because loving your kids is bad) you're gonna have to fucking man up and cut her loose and take custody of the kids, or you can cut the whole thing loose and be that dad some unfortunate kids have the displeasure of knowing as "he went out for cigarettes one day and never came back into our lives" the decisions up to you but i suggest you start prioritizing what's logical, possible and important for yourself and your progenity as for the money situation and losing the home, that sucks big time. speaking from experience, depending on someone else to help keep your home and home loss all together isn't a pleasant memory to have, and i hope you bounce back p.s. i don't know why you're such a nice fucking guy, but letting a woman (that i would like to think of as my wife) "cheat" for a year on me, then supporting her "temporary boyfriend"? in your own fucking house? are you fucking kidding me? real talk that's a fucking dealbreaker for me, i don't know about you bro, i understand you have kids, and she's the mother of your daughter, but jesus fucking christ have some fucking self respect for yourself instead of being a goddamn doormat i apologize for the profuse language but i just have no other way of expressing my disgust clearly because i'm terrible with feelings A+ post, would read again. I comprehended fine. Whatever advice you give, if you think the problem is that he is not fitting his assigned gender role, it loses its credibility.You should give gender-neutral advice or give none at all. nigga shut the fuck up LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inui Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 my advice: never trust 3DPD and avoid them as much as possible yes I am extremely sexist and won't deny it because my experiences with women, from my mother to friends to girlfriends, have ALL been terrible my grandmothers are the only good women out there disregard females and acquire currency to raise your kids Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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