SF's "Write Your Butt Off" II - Return of Writer's Block

[Ottservia]

@Rafiel's Aria I kind of figured it was something like that cause of how ambiguous the story seemed. In that regard the extreme subtlety can be seen as more of a plus than a negative. but yeah subtlety is a tricky thing especially in writing. You can't give too much information or else it'll be boring but you can't give too little or no one is going to understand it. It's a tough balancing act to be sure but I think you did a serviceable job in conveying what you needed to convey. Though if I could make a suggestion is that maybe you could've shown a little more of Cam's thoughts on how other's treat him besides mostly annoyance. Like have him be a little angry and self-conscious about it. It doesn't have to be much just a couple sentences would do the trick.

However overall I did really like your story and with that confirmation I seem to love it even more. I love open ended stories like yours with how nothing is really black or white so there's really no answer to the questioned posed. It's all up to the reader to answer that question given the information they have and ultimately what they take away from it is all up to them. Sorry I couldn't convey all that in my initial post was trying to keep things short. Regardless I think I know where my vote is going.

[Dragoncat]

@Shoblongoo Man, Elben is a dick. I hate him. I feel for Marcus here and his struggle. I do wonder what happened to Elben and his cronies though, because that was never explained.

[Ottservia]

Alright back with some more feedback:

First up @Shoblongoo's "The Better Man":

I may have yet to complete FE7 but I rather liked this one. I love how eliwood is used as a foil to marcus here and while it was rather short you did a good job of conveying clearly the moral conflict with the characters. My main criticism with it is pretty much the same as with dragoncat's as in there wasn't enough description/narrative to properly give an idea of who the POV character is and properly paint a picture of what's going on in the scene. While the POV problem was solved thanks to the flashback, the description could've used a little work. Then again you did say it was thrown together at the last minute so take what I say with a grain of salt. Overall though you did a good job with whatever time you had.

Next up is @DarthR0xas's "The Cursed of Youth":

Interesting take on Nyx's character. It's a well put together piece. You do a great job of making me feel for Nyx and portraying how hopeless she believes her situation to be. It was also really well put together with good dialogue and description to give imagery without front loading information. That being said, there are some glaring issues from a technical writing stand point I noticed. For one, when a character decides to tell a story it's best to just use a flashback or narration instead of just shoving it all within dialogue because 1. it's confusing in terms of POV and 2. It messes with the imagery of the scene(don't really know how else to describe it). We'll start with POV. because Nyx's story isn't technically a flashback(even though it's written like one) and is dialogue, I get confused if you want to do first person or third person POV because of the over-abundant use of first person pronouns which I get because it's Nyx's dialogue. However it doesn't make it any less confusing. Honestly I don't see why you didn't just use first person POV with breaks between the flash backs courtesy of Leo's interruptions. The story wouldn't at all have been changed and it would've been much less confusing. On my second point is that because its not a flashback and is in fact dialogue but is written like a flashback I'm confused as to what I should be imagining. the contents of the flashback or Nyx talking to Leo in the present? Not helping are Leo's very abrupt interruptions which take me out of the story because of how jarring the scene transition is. One last thing and I must stress this so I apologize if this comes off as rude or blunt but DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE SAID!!!! Ahem sorry about that but seriously I noticed you used words like 'inquire', 'responded', 'replied', etc. as dialogue tags far too often. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing but most of the time it just isn't really necessary. The problem with using those kinds of dialogue tags is that they're too noticeable and in a way feel abrupt and interrupt the flow of dialogue and thus break the reader's immersion for a second. Readers tend to see dialogue tags more as 'periods' or 'commas' more than anything else so they should be as invisible as possible(with exceptions mind you). This is why tags like 'said', 'asked', and 'thought' are great simply because of how inconspicuous they are. They're just sort of there and don't really beg too much attention which is perfect for when your trying to break up the dialogue a bit without interrupting the flow of the writing. Also while I praised the use of description before, I noticed that the dialogue tags were used more often instead of action near the end which is honestly something I struggle with as well especially with dialogue heavy scenes like that. Overall though I liked it even though the execution was a bit sloppy.

Whew that was a long one anyway I'll provide my feedback for the final story either later today or tomorrow.

Edited October 26, 2018 by Otts486

[DarthR0xas]

9 minutes ago, Otts486 said:

Interesting take on Nyx's character. It's a well put together piece. You do a great job of making me feel for Nyx and portraying how hopeless she believes her situation to be. It was also really well put together with good dialogue and description to give imagery without front loading information. That being said, there are some glaring issues from a technical writing stand point I noticed. For one, when a character decides to tell a story it's best to just use a flashback or narration instead of just shoving it all within dialogue because 1. it's confusing in terms of POV and 2. It messes with the imagery of the scene(don't really know how else to describe it). We'll start with POV. because Nyx's story isn't technically a flashback(even though it's written like one) and is dialogue, I get confused if you want to do first person or third person POV because of the over-abundant use of first person pronouns which I get because it's Nyx's dialogue. However it doesn't make it any less confusing. Honestly I don't see why you didn't just use first person POV with breaks between the flash backs courtesy of Leo's interruptions. The story wouldn't at all have been changed and it would've been much less confusing. On my second point is that because its not a flashback and is in fact dialogue but is written like a flashback I'm confused as to what I should be imagining. the contents of the flashback or Nyx talking to Leo in the present? Not helping are Leo's very abrupt interruptions which take me out of the story because of how jarring the scene transition is. One last thing and I must stress this so I apologize if this comes off as rude or blunt but DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE SAID!!!! Ahem sorry about that but seriously I noticed you used words like 'inquire', 'responded', 'replied', etc. as dialogue tags far too often. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing but most of the time it just isn't really necessary. The problem with using those kinds of dialogue tags is that they're too noticeable and in a way feel abrupt and interrupt the flow of dialogue and thus break the reader's immersion for a second. Readers tend to see dialogue tags more as 'periods' or 'commas' more than anything else so they should be as invisible as possible(with exceptions mind you). This is why tags like 'said', 'asked', and 'thought' are great simply because of how inconspicuous they are. They're just sort of there and don't really beg too much attention which is perfect for when your trying to break up the dialogue a bit without interrupting the flow of the writing. Also while I praised the use of description before, I noticed that the dialogue tags were used more often instead of action near the end which is honestly something I struggle with as well especially with dialogue heavy scenes like that. Overall though I liked it even though the execution was a bit sloppy.

Thank you for the feedback and kind words. Yeah, in hindsight I would've just made this a first person story, but I started it out as third person so I was kinda stuck with it. And while I wanted Leo's interruptions to feel jarring, since it takes both Nyx and the reader out of the story, it does create some imagining problems. Those would've worked better in first person too, since then you could see Nyx being thrown out of storytelling by Leo's words as well, creating a more coherent narrative through-line. Yeah, I've just been writing a lot for English class, in which the teacher hates the word said, and really likes long descriptions, and that kinda rubbed off in my casual writing. So I'll try to use said more often, and maybe tone down my descriptions for casual writing. The end was something I was kinda just rushing a bit on, which is why it's really sloppy in comparison to my earlier portions.

I hope to be able to read everyone else's stories over the weekend. I read the start of a few of them and they look really good.

[Ottservia]

23 minutes ago, DarthR0xas said:

Yeah, I've just been writing a lot for English class, in which the teacher hates the word said, and really likes long descriptions, and that kinda rubbed off in my casual writing. So I'll try to use said more often, and maybe tone down my descriptions for casual writing. The end was something I was kinda just rushing a bit on, which is why it's really sloppy in comparison to my earlier portions.

Ah I see. Honestly though the whole "don't used said" thing from my experience is probably one of the biggest misconceptions when it comes to writing advice. I had that problem as well when I started writing a couple years ago and it was only after reading some advice online and looking over my old work did I realize that not using said is more so the problem. On the description thing my complaint more so was that there wasn't enough description not that there was too much of it. The beginning of the story was actually beautifully balanced with small little descriptors of actions or thoughts here or there that did a fantastic job of conveying enough imagery and context to get a sense of what was happening as and where they were while also giving great insight into the character's thoughts and emotions. It did all this without info dumping which is really impressive. It's sort of a shame that balancing act sort of fell off near the end but regardless it was really good while it lasted.

Edited October 26, 2018 by Otts486

[Dragoncat]

"Don't use said" is something a lot of people fall for, I did too. School literature teachers, man.

[Ottservia]

another little thing I see people not so much fall for but misinterpret is "show don't tell". People tend to see "show don't tell" as more of an absolute rule and think it means never "tell" and always "show" when really it's more of a really effective tool than an absolute rule. Cause there are plenty of instances when "telling" is more effective than showing like when it comes to condensing a lot of information quickly. Also people tend to interpret "showing" as just body language when in reality it can also be showing a character's thoughts as well in order elaborate on said body language. 

[Dragoncat]

A good example for "show don't tell" I heard, is if you have a grandma talking about her poodle and that's not the main focus of the story, you can just write something like "Grandma spent an hour talking about her poodle as she served us lunch, and then we had to go back to work." Instead of writing out the grandma's dialogue. Pretty much.

[Ottservia]

1 minute ago, Dragoncat said:

A good example for "show don't tell" I heard, is if you have a grandma talking about her poodle and that's not the main focus of the story, you can just write something like "Grandma spent an hour talking about her poodle as she served us lunch, and then we had to go back to work." Instead of writing out the grandma's dialogue. Pretty much.

yeah pretty much this though as I've stated before it's a balancing act cause you have to know the right time to use each "tool" as it were. It's tough but pulling it off right can lead to some really amazing stuff.

[Anacybele]

I don't see what's wrong with not using said. I'm not saying to absolutely NEVER use it, but to see it constantly is repetitive and kind of annoying and that's why school teachers might tell you to use it less. I don't remember them ever telling me to NEVER use it. Just not to ABUSE it.

[Ottservia]

2 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

I don't see what's wrong with not using said. I'm not saying to absolutely NEVER use it, but to see it constantly is repetitive and kind of annoying and that's why school teachers might tell you to use it less. I don't remember them ever telling me to NEVER use it. Just not to ABUSE it.

The problem with using words other than said is more so because of how noticeable they are which can interrupt flow. because as I said readers tend to view dialogue tags more so as a punctuation like a period or comma. In that sense over use of any dialogue tag in general(including said) can be really repetitive and annoying depending on it's placement. This is why above all using description like action and character "voice" to convey who is speaking is much better. Even then said is generally good to use because of how "invisible" it is. 

Then again in writing there are always exceptions to the rule and with careful placement dialogue tags like 'snapped', 'shouted', or 'whispered' can be very useful

[Anacybele]

Just now, Otts486 said:

The problem with using words other than said is more so because of how noticeable they are which can interrupt flow. because as I said readers tend to view dialogue tags more so as a punctuation like a period or comma. In that sense over use of any dialogue tag in general(including said) can be really repetitive and annoying depending on it's placement. This is why above all using description like action and character "voice" to convey who is speaking is much better. Even then said is generally good to use because of how "invisible" it is. 

Then again in writing there are always exceptions to the rule and with careful placement dialogue tags like 'snapped', 'shouted', or 'whispered' can be very useful

I never see any flow interruption at all when words other than said are used. Not sure how anyone else does.

[TheSilentChloey]

20 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

I never see any flow interruption at all when words other than said are used. Not sure how anyone else does.

Perhaps that would be the Aspie side talking?

 

To be fair I use said a lot but as soon as characters start getting emotional then I switch it up and go for the other dialogue descriptors as a rule of thumb.  It can be a bit repetitive but it does for the most part work...when I'm the reader it does at least.

[Anacybele]

1 minute ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Perhaps that would be the Aspie side talking?

I guess, but it wouldn't mean I'm wrong...

[Ottservia]

Just now, TheSilentChloey said:

To be fair I use said a lot but as soon as characters start getting emotional then I switch it up and go for the other dialogue descriptors as a rule of thumb.  It can be a bit repetitive but it does for the most part work...when I'm the reader it does at least.

actually I do the same because if you're going for an emotional scene more powerful verbs are often necessary and in those cases 'said' just doesn't cut it. Really I think it's just a matter of placement and context like usually what interrupts flow for me is when there's a dialogue tag and almost nothing else to compliment it or when the dialogue is very short and back and forth. In those cases generally I like to add a bit of action or just omit the tag entirely. 

[TheSilentChloey]

17 minutes ago, Anacybele said:

I guess, but it wouldn't mean I'm wrong...

I never said you were wrong, just that it might be a cause.

[Rafiel's Aria]

Had a little bit more time but not as much as I wanted. Didn't get much sleep last night either, and I want to review stories with a fresh face, so I'll just post the two I have for now. XD If I've got more energy later, I'll have another go! I'm sorry if I'm repeating any comments already given. I haven't read the other comments because I didn't want them to impact my own thoughts about the stories.

First up is @Anacybele

Spoiler

You had something you wanted to write about, and you wrote about it. XD So in terms of the prompt, you nailed it. You’ve clearly put a lot of thought and love into these characters and want to show as much of your hard work as possible. Immorality and redemption is a sweet theme to go with.

 

I’ll say that I think amount of detail has some pros and cons. On one hand, you’re incredibly clear with what you want to tell the readers. I know all of the background for this story without having to wonder who the characters are or what their connections are to anyone. But on the other hand, it’s a lot of exposition that the author is giving us and not the characters. I feel like a good chunk of the oneshot is the author interrupting the scene to step in and say, “BTW this is how these characters are related and how they feel about each other and how their history has played out” before the readers get a chance to determine that for themselves. One example I can think of is how you described all of this stuff about Raphael’s past, interests, etc. before he physically appeared in the story. I feel like some details you could sprinkle throughout the scene with him instead of just flat-out stating them.

 

Trust your characters to do some of the exposition work for you, so the characters can shine, and you don’t have to take your readers out of a scene to tell them what’s going on, like how they just casually mentioned Geoffrey’s new bride in dialogue. I thought it was a simple thing but plenty effective without hindering the scene.

 

Overall, very detailed and very clean, so I didn’t have any trouble reading it.

Next is @Dragoncat

As a side note before I start reading: I appreciate that the title of the story is "Declawed" and your name is Dragoncat. Also, as a disclaimer, I know about as much about Xenoblade as I do particle physics. (Nothing at all. lol)

Spoiler

Despite not knowing anything about the world or characters, I could follow your story easily enough because there was just enough detail to keep me informed without bogging the story down too much. So while I probably would have understood the story better with some knowledge of the games, I thought the oneshot functioned pretty well on its own. You’re pretty good at writing amusing dialogue. I really enjoyed the exchange between Kaziel and Jaylen because you threw so much personality into them just with their little quips. Part of me probably would have enjoyed a whole story just about them. XD

 

Now on the other hand, I think your more serious dialogue wasn’t quite as impactful since it still seemed rather humorous in a way. I think your scene between father and son could have been a bit stronger with a little less humor. I felt like you were building up this big internal struggle with Farren, and while I liked that Metal Face didn’t seem all that bad in the end after having some time in the afterlife to repent (even though he was still rough around the edges), I think you could have maybe eased your way from “terrifying murderer” to “rough around the edges dorky ghost dad.” The humor could still be there for sure, but even one major serious moment could have had me thinking, “Crap. Kid’s gonna die. Oh wait plot twist…” If any of that makes sense. XD

 

I did enjoy this piece quite a bit though. With the sleep deprivation, some humor was just what I needed.

Also in response to your question before about Cam, I haven't decided yet if he's gay or bi. I'm leaning towards bi-curious with a preference for women. In this particlar story line, I do already have a few gay characters whose romance is a bit more important to the plot. Besides, Cam is more of a free spirit, so dabbling with men and women seems like something he'd do. 

22 hours ago, Otts486 said:

@Rafiel's Aria I kind of figured it was something like that cause of how ambiguous the story seemed. In that regard the extreme subtlety can be seen as more of a plus than a negative. but yeah subtlety is a tricky thing especially in writing. You can't give too much information or else it'll be boring but you can't give too little or no one is going to understand it. It's a tough balancing act to be sure but I think you did a serviceable job in conveying what you needed to convey. Though if I could make a suggestion is that maybe you could've shown a little more of Cam's thoughts on how other's treat him besides mostly annoyance. Like have him be a little angry and self-conscious about it. It doesn't have to be much just a couple sentences would do the trick.

However overall I did really like your story and with that confirmation I seem to love it even more. I love open ended stories like yours with how nothing is really black or white so there's really no answer to the questioned posed. It's all up to the reader to answer that question given the information they have and ultimately what they take away from it is all up to them. Sorry I couldn't convey all that in my initial post was trying to keep things short. Regardless I think I know where my vote is going.

Thank you so much for the kind comments and for the critiques because it'll help me be a bit more conscious in the future. If I rewrite this piece, I'll definitely take all your suggestions to heart and hopefully make it a bit easier to read. I definitely think I failed in my initial attempt to do what I wanted to do, but I can think of a few things to do differently now.

[Dragoncat]

@Rafiel's Aria OMG yes the cat pun with the title. That is quite fitting, didn't think of the connection to my username. I was more going for a reference to Metal Face/Mumkhar's weapon. Literally claw bladed gloves. 

Your critique is fair, I guess if I thought of it I could have Mumkhar scare the crap out of Farran, adding something like he thought dear old dad was going to attack him or possess him and turn him into what he was. That would have been a good addition. "Rough around the edges dorky ghost dad" lol. He kinda is. He's quite despicable ingame but you can't help but love him a little because he can be amusing sometimes. A few of his lines:

"Is that all you got, Grandpa?" (taunting the elder of the "good guys" side)

"We don't need her. Look at me, look at me, goody two shoes!" (talking about another character that became a mechon)

"I think a fly bit me."

That last one doesn't need context.

Thanks for the overall nice feedback, I do enjoy putting humor in. On Jaylen: did you notice I gave him a hairstyle like a blue jay's crest? I would have made his hair blue but entia normally have hair in shades of blond, gray, and silver. Nobody has technicolor hair like in FE. Could've done a blueish gray but meh.

Edited October 27, 2018 by Dragoncat

[Anacybele]

14 minutes ago, Rafiel's Aria said:

You had something you wanted to write about, and you wrote about it. XD So in terms of the prompt, you nailed it. You’ve clearly put a lot of thought and love into these characters and want to show as much of your hard work as possible. Immorality and redemption is a sweet theme to go with.

 

I’ll say that I think amount of detail has some pros and cons. On one hand, you’re incredibly clear with what you want to tell the readers. I know all of the background for this story without having to wonder who the characters are or what their connections are to anyone. But on the other hand, it’s a lot of exposition that the author is giving us and not the characters. I feel like a good chunk of the oneshot is the author interrupting the scene to step in and say, “BTW this is how these characters are related and how they feel about each other and how their history has played out” before the readers get a chance to determine that for themselves. One example I can think of is how you described all of this stuff about Raphael’s past, interests, etc. before he physically appeared in the story. I feel like some details you could sprinkle throughout the scene with him instead of just flat-out stating them.

 

Trust your characters to do some of the exposition work for you, so the characters can shine, and you don’t have to take your readers out of a scene to tell them what’s going on, like how they just casually mentioned Geoffrey’s new bride in dialogue. I thought it was a simple thing but plenty effective without hindering the scene.

 

Overall, very detailed and very clean, so I didn’t have any trouble reading it.

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)

I get what you mean, I suppose I could've done with less flat out stating of those details, but I also didn't want to flood the thing with too much dialogue compared to description, so I'm not exactly sure how to pull that off. But maybe this just means I need practice.

[Rafiel's Aria]

3 hours ago, Dragoncat said:

@Rafiel's Aria OMG yes the cat pun with the title. That is quite fitting, didn't think of the connection to my username. I was more going for a reference to Metal Face/Mumkhar's weapon. Literally claw bladed gloves. 

Your critique is fair, I guess if I thought of it I could have Mumkhar scare the crap out of Farran, adding something like he thought dear old dad was going to attack him or possess him and turn him into what he was. That would have been a good addition. "Rough around the edges dorky ghost dad" lol. He kinda is. He's quite despicable ingame but you can't help but love him a little because he can be amusing sometimes. A few of his lines:

"Is that all you got, Grandpa?" (taunting the elder of the "good guys" side)

"We don't need her. Look at me, look at me, goody two shoes!" (talking about another character that became a mechon)

"I think a fly bit me."

That last one doesn't need context.

Thanks for the overall nice feedback, I do enjoy putting humor in. On Jaylen: did you notice I gave him a hairstyle like a blue jay's crest? I would have made his hair blue but entia normally have hair in shades of blond, gray, and silver. Nobody has technicolor hair like in FE. Could've done a blueish gray but meh.

I didn't notice the bit with the blue jay, but that's a nice touch. XD I don't know a lot about birds in general, so that might've slipped past me regardless. I think blue jays used to live outside my house. They were kinda mean. lol But it's a cute easter egg regardless.

3 hours ago, Anacybele said:

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)

I get what you mean, I suppose I could've done with less flat out stating of those details, but I also didn't want to flood the thing with too much dialogue compared to description, so I'm not exactly sure how to pull that off. But maybe this just means I need practice.

Nothing wrong with practice. When you're writing, or proof-reading, maybe you could try to prioritize what you want to be exposition, and what you can add through dialogue/action to convey something. Like for example, I could write a long paragraph about how character A really hates hot weather and yesterday was one of the hottest days of the year. It was made even worse by the fact that Character B, the love interest and easily the prettiest girl in school, saw just how sweaty and gross he was, and that was utterly humiliating. 

But I can also take the same idea, have Character A wipe some sweat off of his forehead, mutter some complaints about the heat under his breath while he's packing up his books to head home after school. Character B walks past him and giggles, says something about how miserable he looked yesterday, and he tries to laugh it off, but has to spend a few minutes regaining his composure by his locker before heading out. 

You still get the idea that Character A hates hot weather, likes Character B, and was embarrassed, but you get to see it in a way that helps you learn about who these people are in a more organic way.

I personally don't find anything wrong with more dialogue. But that's just me. I try to reserve descriptions for mostly scenery, people, and other things that might be relevent to the scene in the moment. And I like to use characters to convey important events so it feels like the reader isn't just playing catch-up. They're learning what happened with the other characters involved. Sometimes I think exposition is totally fine outside of dialogue, like when you have a first person narrator who kind of acts as a character him/herself. But it really varies. Like I was saying earlier about my own writing, I could stand to be a bit clearer with my own exposition. 

[Dragoncat]

1 minute ago, Rafiel's Aria said:

I didn't notice the bit with the blue jay, but that's a nice touch. XD I don't know a lot about birds in general, so that might've slipped past me regardless. I think blue jays used to live outside my house. They were kinda mean. lol But it's a cute easter egg regardless.

I used to have a bird feeder and the blue jays would screech and chase the other birds away so they could get all the sunflower seeds. They're dicks. I didn't make the guy a dick, but he is the more rambunctious of the two and more noisy/apt to run his mouth, so I guess it fits. Entia are "bird people", basically feather headed elves with more exotic sounding names, so I guess a few are bound to have bird inspired names.

[Anacybele]

10 minutes ago, Rafiel's Aria said:

Nothing wrong with practice. When you're writing, or proof-reading, maybe you could try to prioritize what you want to be exposition, and what you can add through dialogue/action to convey something. Like for example, I could write a long paragraph about how character A really hates hot weather and yesterday was one of the hottest days of the year. It was made even worse by the fact that Character B, the love interest and easily the prettiest girl in school, saw just how sweaty and gross he was, and that was utterly humiliating. 

But I can also take the same idea, have Character A wipe some sweat off of his forehead, mutter some complaints about the heat under his breath while he's packing up his books to head home after school. Character B walks past him and giggles, says something about how miserable he looked yesterday, and he tries to laugh it off, but has to spend a few minutes regaining his composure by his locker before heading out. 

You still get the idea that Character A hates hot weather, likes Character B, and was embarrassed, but you get to see it in a way that helps you learn about who these people are in a more organic way.

I personally don't find anything wrong with more dialogue. But that's just me. I try to reserve descriptions for mostly scenery, people, and other things that might be relevent to the scene in the moment. And I like to use characters to convey important events so it feels like the reader isn't just playing catch-up. They're learning what happened with the other characters involved. Sometimes I think exposition is totally fine outside of dialogue, like when you have a first person narrator who kind of acts as a character him/herself. But it really varies. Like I was saying earlier about my own writing, I could stand to be a bit clearer with my own exposition. 

Yeah, I do see your point. I just feel that some description is also needed to add even more depth to the setting, characters, and plot. Not everything important can be conveyed through dialogue alone. But as I said, I do understand your point and it is valid.

[DarthR0xas]

Well, since everyone else is going from top to bottom, I’ll go from bottom to top. So I’ll start with my buddy @AnonymousSpeed.

Spoiler

It took me a while to get this, had to reread it. You pack a lot of meaning into not many words. Your subtlety is amazing. The plot twist that Cromwell was a Manakete came out of near left field on the first read, but I could pick up on hints throughout the story towards that after realizing. The stone was a dragonstone, and the pointed ears are something that IS started adding to the dragons in the art. If there had to be one small problem I had with the story, it would be that not a lot happens. These situations seem so interesting to me, that I want more detail on everything. But as is, it’s really just an interrogation, small bridge, and then talking at a diner. It’s so good I want more, and that’s a great thing. Seriously dude, great job.

 I might as well talk a bit about mine, as it was my first, and I have thoughts about it that I feel need to be written out.

Spoiler

Many of the problems with mine could be easily fixed if I had just done some more proper storyboarding. When I read the prompt, the first thing that came into my mind was the Nyx story, and it was such a cool idea to me at the time that I started writing immediately, without really planning where I was going or when I would stop. I would consider this the beta version of this story, since I really rushed the end. That ended up hurting it, and instead of an emotional payoff it merely felt forced. With this being my first time trying something like this out, I have really learned a lot about writing stories in a cleaner, more distinct manner, and I think now I'm starting to develop a better understanding and a style. Next prompt I swear I’m going to do better.

 To finish the night, I’ll talk about @Shoblongoo writings.

Spoiler

I like this idea, Marcus having done something shady in the past. While I think Marcus doing nothing does make me like him less as a person, it makes me love him more as a character. He’s more dynamic now, and shows clear signs of growth. That being said, I have a few issues with this story, mostly in the writing. In the beginning, Eliwood’s speech is great, but my problem is you writing things like Eliwood “spoke with wisdom beyond his years”, and that he “had been moved by their pleas”. It is apparent that Eliwood is doing those things, and telling us them straight-up kinda ruins the moment slightly. Most of the problems are near the end of Marcus’s flashback, where there is not only two long lines of parallel sentences, but also something that pulled me out of the experience entirely. In fact, I hadn't even really noticed how the annoying the repetition was until the issue of when this takes place came up. While a few parallel sentences can fill the reader with a sense of truly hitting rock bottom, this is way too many. First was the line of ten sentences with “He never would”, which is bad enough, since we’re kinda getting sick of this repetition, but then after only a three line break we get into the seven sentence repetition of “That” followed by usually a pronoun. I would’ve condensed the ten into at least five, probably cut out a few that are unnecessary. Also, I’m really confused as to when this takes place. Because it clearly starts during the opening arc of FE7, yet the latter part of FE7, and all of FE6 is referenced, which makes no sense, since Marcus hasn’t lived through those moments of his life yet. That all results in a large chunk of the story that just takes you out of the experience of what is mostly a pretty good story about how Marcus sacrificed the lives of the few for many, and how doing so haunts him.

 

Edited October 27, 2018 by DarthR0xas
spacing

[Rafiel's Aria]

Phew. Okay. Made it through the rest of the stories, but I haven't decided on my vote yet, so I'm going to mull over it a little bit more. Totally not procrastinating. 

@Otts486 You're up first!

Spoiler

I actually think I’m familiar with this song without listening to it again to be sure. I used to be a pretty big fan of a lot of Vocaloid songs. Those content creators really know how to tell compelling stories.

 

I think the beginning of this was easily the most clever part because I was convinced it was from Len’s POV up until the end of that first scene. I think the choice of present tense was a little odd, mostly because I find it incredibly difficult to write in, but for the most part you were consistent with it, so I can’t fault you. Your punctuation was absent in some places, so you might want to be careful about it in the future. There are a lot of missing periods and commas.
 

I think you did a good job with Rin’s characterization. Her casual mannerisms didn’t seem very tyrannical, but I definitely got that she was a brat. I also like the image of people rising up to basically murder a young girl. Like she’s done bad things, but they’re also taking an eye for an eye which isn’t necessarily a moral thing either. So immorality for all! I also liked your subtle hints throughout so I feel like I understand Len’s motivation without having to watch the video.

 

If I could critique one thing, I’d say the transitions could be a bit smoother from scene to scene. It was a little easier for me to settle into longer scenes, but the shorter ones were quite abrupt. Finding a way to help the piece flow more smoothly would have really made this excellent.

Next is @Shoblongoo.

Spoiler

Wow. This is a super solid piece. Like it’s really good, and I’m beating myself up that I can’t really think of much constructive criticism to give you. I just really liked it. Your dialogue is great, Marcus’s inner struggle is super compelling, and the transitions are smooth too. I suppose if I have to nitpick something, the descriptions about how awful Elben is are entirely unnecessary in my opinion. “Bugger that. This is the good part!” is MORE than enough to convince me he’s awful. And Marcus’s “what does he mean?” followed by “You know what he means” is probably one of my favorite exchanges.

 

The nerd in me also likes your varied sentence structure. I dunno… There’s just something refreshing about seeing a lot of variation. Makes things fun to read.

And now @DarthR0xas

Spoiler

First of all, I like the device you use to tell Nyx’s story. It’s pretty creative, and I like the idea of a tome that brings memories to life. I think you could have played with that a bit more. Nyx or Leo could have interacted with the memories or reacted to them in some way. Nyx’s narration is clear and gets the point across, but it lacks some emotion. Watching your favorite sister burn to death again would probably spark some uneasy emotions or at least a physical reaction. Leo’s presence kind of disappears when she’s telling his tale, and it makes me wonder what he thinks of it while it’s happening. Is he interested? Repulsed? Taking notes? Having them interact a little more between the story would have helped connect the beginning and the end and create a stronger bond between the two so the ending probably wouldn’t feel as rushed, but I totally understand the struggle to end something when you’re running out of steam. Better finished than unfinished!

 

So congrats on finishing. I like Leo quite a bit as a character, but I know close to nothing about Nyx. She always gets RNG screwed in my playthroughs so I don’t use her. She and Subaki are kind of always benched because my game’s RNG hates them. I like the in-depth backstory for her though. It makes me like her a bit more.

Last but not least @AnonymousSpeed

Spoiler

Wow. I think your piece wins in terms of creativity. This is an approach I never would have thought of myself, but it combines something as base as forum debates with something as elegant as philosophy and something as relatable as a cop show. The dialogue is witty and smooth. The writing is smart, and it’s a piece that makes me think without losing me in technicality or fluff. Your set-up is quick and to the point, and everything from the characters to the setting make it feel very real to me. I feel like the very first scene functions as a oneshot itself, and you easily could have ended it when Laius goes home since I feel like that action itself gives people something to think about. But the second half does clarify things more and provide some interesting ideas for discussion.

 

Nice work. I’d honestly like to see more commentary written in this fashion.

 

[Dragoncat]

@DarthR0xas This reminds me of Greek mythology in a way, and not just because Nyx's family has Greek names. Okay mostly that, but also the events in her backstory sound like something out of Greek mythology. Solid piece.

@AnonymousSpeed I love how you put all the FE continents on the same world here, how else could Pherae take over Begnion? That would make an interesting story in itself. Modernizing the FE world is a neat idea, but I can't help wondering if it's realistic. Thousands of years take place between Marth's time and Chrom's time and there's not much technological advancement, if at all. I liked the twist at the end with Cromwell being a manakete but hiding it, and it makes me wonder if he's so opinionated on this issue because he once loved a human and she grew old and died long before him.

Edited October 27, 2018 by Dragoncat