SF's "Write Your Butt Off" II - Return of Writer's Block

[Shoblongoo]

That’s unfortunate. 

[Dragoncat]

1 minute ago, Shoblongoo said:

That’s unfortunate. 

It is. Like I said anybody who's curious can PM me.

[Shoblongoo]

I respect her privacy—if she wanted me to know she’d have told me. Hope she’s well.

[Dragoncat]

3 minutes ago, Shoblongoo said:

I respect her privacy—if she wanted me to know she’d have told me. Hope she’s well.

Nothing happened healthwise or anything like that. She just feels like SF isn't the place for her anymore.

[Ottservia]

Aww that’s a shame I liked ana. I hope she’s doing okay. I was kind of hoping to see what she’d cook up for the next prompt but oh well if that’s her decision I will respect her for it. 

[Jotari]

Have only skimmed the posts since the round started, so forgive me if I'm reiterating what others have already said.

The Redemption of Grima

Spoiler

A nice idea, but it kind of begins and ends as a nice idea. There isn't much more to the story other than "Grima turns good and S Supports the Summoner." That's basically the entire thing summed up in one line.

The Daein Vagabound

Spoiler

 

Good points here is that the character and set up are interesting and really fit with the theme. Unfortunately, the story is basically an entire synopsis of another story or series of stories rather than being anything of note in itself. It's like reading a more expansive blurb or review of a story instead of being a story in of itself. Ike and Jerec teaming up to fight evil laguz sounds great, I'd rather read that than Jerec remembering the time he and Ike teamed up to fight evil laguz.

Oh and minor thing more to do with spelling than writing; a group of actors are a troupe, not a troop, which is a group of soldiers. Easy to confuse since they both refer to a bunch of people travelling and working together.

 

 

 

[DarthR0xas]

Well, I wish her the best luck and my sincere condolences. I need not know more details, those are hers to keep as far as I'm concerned. With that, I'm going to blaze through the other submissions.

@Rafiel's Aria

Spoiler

I was kinda confused at the time period this was set in, but I just kinda assumed it was a World War 2 esque world with magic, and that worked well. Not really sure if the main character is immoral persay. I don't really get the vibe he did anything bad, just that he's a dick that grew up fast in a cruel world. He smokes, has a sister, and does nice things even when he really doesn't see the point to them. Likeable, sure, immoral, not really. I don't see him stealing a dude's first kiss as that bad. They'd both either say it never happened, or it would become a sort of a joke. Nice read, believable characters, and a decent world, although the lack of details kinda annoys me a tad.

@Otts486

Spoiler

Never heard of this vocaloid song before, so I checked it out prior to reading this, since I figured context was necessary. I was still absolutely confused, although the song was decent enough. If there's one thing I really wanted here, it's commas. Commas would've helped so much with the flow of this piece, since it both acts like a breath for the reader, and a breath for the character. Kinda a lame end in my opinion, but the song doesn't really give too much context or ending, so it fits. Also, the phrase "vomits tears" is both gross and amazing, I am going to have to find a way to use it in real life sometime.

@Dragoncat

Spoiler

Always wanted to play Xenoblade, never have gotten around to it. Anyways, this is alright. I never realized that boss thing on the Xenoblade stage in Smash was actually a person, so go figure. I wish some of the concepts here were expanded upon. The ideas of the afterlife, how they can cross-communicate, more inter-species relationships. Maybe all of that is covered in the main game, I have no clue. I enjoy the natural way you gave exposition to the people (like me) who have no clue about this universe, so good job with that.

@Anacybele

Spoiler

I figured I should still look over this one, even if she is no longer on this forum. I loved this story, even though I though Jerec was Jared for a quarter of this story. I found it didn't excel in many aspects, but it made me fanboy to no end. "Oh, Boyd, he's friends with Boyd!", "Of course he knows Taureneo, who doesn't?", "Oh yeah, I remember when Ike did that". A really fun read.

@TheSilentChloey

Spoiler

Did you assume the summoner's gender? Interesting idea to use Heroes as a medium to have villains realize more about themselves, as is the summoner having children. That said, this piece was the first one out and feels a pretty rushed. It took me longer than it probably should've to pick-up that Grima was the father to the children, and while that might be my fault, it could also be the fault of some vague wording. I wish that we could see more of the Heroes's reactions to this event. There are some given, but by whom? This could've also introduced a bit of humor, which would've added some spice to the story. For instance, we get a reaction from Oliver, who is flabbergasted that the summoner went with Grima over him. Or maybe from the other Grima, who is ashamed of what male Grima did. We can see that people like Ike have no real issue with it, but many of the Awakening characters take serious concern, as would the characters from Echoes. Perhaps some characters like Hector could be seen playing with the children a bit, while someone like Virion refuses to acknowledge their existence. My point is that this idea and story has such a great amount of potential, and I feel it simply wasn't taken advantage of. What's there is well-written, but I couldn't vote for it in earnest with all of the potential this story missed out on.

With all of those, I have submitted my vote. Guess I'll check back tomorrow to see the next prompt.

[Ottservia]

@DarthR0xas well the song itself is the third in a technically three part series called “the story of evil” the first being daughter of evil then servant of evil and finally ending with regret message. Though out of the three if you wanted to listen to them for any context regarding my story I’d suggest daughter of evil would be the best one cause it explains a lot of the backstory though servant of evil wouldn’t be too bad either. And yeah commas are a thing I need to use more. punctuation in general is just not my strong suit.

Edited October 31, 2018 by Otts486

[Jotari]

3 hours ago, Dragoncat said:

Certain...circumstances have caused Ana to leave SF. Just throwing that out there.

I'm PMed her my comments on her current story along with some parting words. I'm not sure how cold turkey her departure is, if she's gone completely and not checking anything, then I'd appreciate it if you could send it on to her via alternate communication. And she should know she'll always be welcomed and appreciated for Scribbles and Write Your Butt Off entries if she ever changes her mind.

Edited October 31, 2018 by Jotari

[SoulWeaver]

3 hours ago, Dragoncat said:

She's said she's not coming back actually. If you want the details PM me.

Ah, I think I can guess what happened. I do want to hear exactly what tipped her over the edge if she's ok with you sending that to me, though - my hypothesis might be incorrect. Tell her I'm sorry to hear that she's out, and I do hope she at least comes back for Scribbles if it turns out we do that again this year, even if she feels she has to leave again afterwards. Plus I'd say we're always down to have her here in this thread at any rate.

[Jotari]

Declawed

Spoiler

 

Not a bad story at all. The conversation between Mumkhar  and his son was poignant. It was good that it tried to redeem him without fundamentally trying to change him. Someone that messed up would have a hard time caring about their own redemption. I do feel the whole dream sequence was a little corny though, I would have rather we it made use of the world and had him fall into an ether pool or something (Mumkhar died in the ocean, but I'm sure his ether could have rejoined the boonies eventually). Although now that I think about it spirits in Xenoblade Blade arent entirely unprecedented as Evil does talk about the spirits of the dead haunting him.

I would have liked if the focus was a little more in Mumkhar himself for the sake of the prompt. I also question how he knows he's Metal Face's son. Even if his mother told him his father was Mumkhar (which would only happen if Mumkhar gave his real name to her), that doesn't immediately connect him to Metal Face unless Dunban went around telling everyone who Metal Face was for some reason.

Also, fun fact, the High Entia can use their wings to fly, you can see it during one of the end game missions.

 

 

A Princess' Lament

Spoiler

I really liked this one. It covered a lot of ground in a short time. Suggesting at a larger story, but not making it feel necessary to know any extra details due to the focus being kept solely on Len. Although I am a bit confused. Were they actually brother and sister? If not, how did he get away with swapping places with her? And if he was her brother, why was he serving her like a butler? Having them be two different genders worked well for the set up to immediately make it clear what had happened in one line, but unless there's any disguise magic going on, I think it would have been better to keep them as the same gender. Passing a man off as a woman isnt really easy in the given circumstances. And, to be crass, there'd be some raping going on from those rebels if the tyranny was really all that bad. I also question why it's a princess and not a queen.

 

Edited October 31, 2018 by Jotari

[TheSilentChloey]

1 hour ago, SoulWeaver said:

Ah, I think I can guess what happened. I do want to hear exactly what tipped her over the edge if she's ok with you sending that to me, though - my hypothesis might be incorrect. Tell her I'm sorry to hear that she's out, and I do hope she at least comes back for Scribbles if it turns out we do that again this year, even if she feels she has to leave again afterwards. Plus I'd say we're always down to have her here in this thread at any rate.

I second this.  It's sad to see Ana go and I hope that things improve for her soon.

[Jotari]

Orchid's Arrow

Spoiler

This was pretty good. The emotional and sense of tone were strong and the world really felt real and lived in with all the references to people, dropped naturally. It's almost surprising that this is the first story set here and that you do t have it fully fleshed out in your head. That being said, I think it had absolutely nothing to do with the prompt. None of the people felt bad at all. Our protagonist was gruff and sultry, which you say you're not used to writing, so I suppose the prompt worked for its intention of getting you out of your comfort zone, and it also got you writing in general which is the competition's main goal, so from the perspective it's a resounding success.

 

A Better Man

Spoiler

This is a pretty good spin on the prompt. I can't be sure I entirely agree with Marcus's guilt. On the other hand, I can't entirely agree with him either. There's really no right answer and that's fantastic. Simple, yet complex. I do question why you used Eliwood over Roy though. Given that it's meant to be him reflecting on all he achieved and weighing it against what he did (or failed to do), having it be later in his life when all of that stuff has more time to pass would make more sense to me. There's even a great in canon set up for it if you'd set it just before the start of Binding Blade when they should have been rushing to Ostia to save Eliwood. Setting it before Blazing Blade means we have no canon events to really judge the result of things (even though the story does still bring up all the future events) and I think that weakens the story a bit.

 

[TheSilentChloey]

7 hours ago, DarthR0xas said:

 

 

 

@TheSilentChloey

  Hide contents

Did you assume the summoner's gender? Interesting idea to use Heroes as a medium to have villains realize more about themselves, as is the summoner having children. That said, this piece was the first one out and feels a pretty rushed. It took me longer than it probably should've to pick-up that Grima was the father to the children, and while that might be my fault, it could also be the fault of some vague wording. I wish that we could see more of the Heroes's reactions to this event. There are some given, but by whom? This could've also introduced a bit of humor, which would've added some spice to the story. For instance, we get a reaction from Oliver, who is flabbergasted that the summoner went with Grima over him. Or maybe from the other Grima, who is ashamed of what male Grima did. We can see that people like Ike have no real issue with it, but many of the Awakening characters take serious concern, as would the characters from Echoes. Perhaps some characters like Hector could be seen playing with the children a bit, while someone like Virion refuses to acknowledge their existence. My point is that this idea and story has such a great amount of potential, and I feel it simply wasn't taken advantage of. What's there is well-written, but I couldn't vote for it in earnest with all of the potential this story missed out on.

With all of those, I have submitted my vote. Guess I'll check back tomorrow to see the next prompt.

How dare you fool!

Yeah well it wasn't like I gave it the time it needed and as I've said before I don't really care since this is just growth and if I don't have the story hashed out in the lest words possible (since I have other much larger projects I'm working on that are much more important than this) then I'm not going to overly worry about it.

Also by default I will not and do not use heroes in my FEH fics that I haven't summoned.  So F!Grima and Hector are out, as is most of the SoV cast and Awakening's cast as well.  It's my unspoken rule that I'm not about to break any time soon.  Also I worked on the assumption people would assume Anna not being okay with it by default.  Ya know because it's two heroes from different worlds?  But no use crying over spilt milk since I kind of broke my laptop in a rage because it wouldn't let me post for some stupid reason.

[Ottservia]

@Jotari Yes they are actually brother and sister and nearly identical in that regard(as the characters are based on the two vocaloids who sang the songs who are pretty much genderbent versions of one another) the two were separated at birth for their safety(I think? The wiki wasn’t all too clear) the son “Len” was presumed dead and when their mother passed Rin decided not to fully ascend until she was of age. About the rape thing:

1. That seems a little  dark for what I was trying to do.

2. The “princess” was apprehended by a prince of another country as well as Len’s sort of adopted older sister ( yeah I know just roll with it)who was the daughter of one of high guards killed by Len on Rin’s orders. Also  it’s not really specified how long “she” was locked up so I think I can get away without mentioning it.

Edited October 31, 2018 by Otts486

[Dragoncat]

Everybody, PM me your parting words to Ana. She's not checking things on here. Also tell me in the PM if you want her reason for leaving.

@DarthR0xas Yes Metal Face is a person. It's covered quite well ingame. The afterlife is all my creation, but there has been homs/entia crossbreeding in canon. The offspring end up as entia with smaller head wings. I realize I didn't cover things well enough for readers who haven't played in hindsight.

@Jotari His remains are on land though. I mean I guess it's possible the waves could have washed him up there but that would be quite the colossal wave. Solid critiques, I guess Dunban did go around telling everybody, him or the others, maybe information was released to the public after the war. Mumkhar hooked up with Farran's mom during the first invasion, so no face units yet so of course she would get his real name. Not to mention...certain bodily functions would be impossible if he was Metal Face then, including...sex/insemination/reproduction. He'd literally be impotent, and Viagra wouldn't help, to put it bluntly. This was covered in the second spoiler that explains the AU although briefly. And yeah Cargo mentioned the flying, but...really? Those wings aren't connected to their shoulders, it should be impossible.

Also you mispelled Egil as Evil and that's glorious lol. I've been calling him Metal Hitler but that works too.

Edited October 31, 2018 by Dragoncat

[Jotari]

2 hours ago, Dragoncat said:

Everybody, PM me your parting words to Ana. She's not checking things on here. Also tell me in the PM if you want her reason for leaving.

@DarthR0xas Yes Metal Face is a person. It's covered quite well ingame. The afterlife is all my creation, but there has been homs/entia crossbreeding in canon. The offspring end up as entia with smaller head wings. I realize I didn't cover things well enough for readers who haven't played in hindsight.

@Jotari His remains are on land though. I mean I guess it's possible the waves could have washed him up there but that would be quite the colossal wave. Solid critiques, I guess Dunban did go around telling everybody, him or the others, maybe information was released to the public after the war. Mumkhar hooked up with Farran's mom during the first invasion, so no face units yet so of course she would get his real name. Not to mention...certain bodily functions would be impossible if he was Metal Face then, including...sex/insemination/reproduction. He'd literally be impotent, and Viagra wouldn't help, to put it bluntly. This was covered in the second spoiler that explains the AU although briefly. And yeah Cargo mentioned the flying, but...really? Those wings aren't connected to their shoulders, it should be impossible.

Also you mispelled Egil as Evil and that's glorious lol. I've been calling him Metal Hitler but that works too.

Evil Egil is no doubt an autocorrect error XD

[Dragoncat]

38 minutes ago, Jotari said:

Evil Egil is no doubt an autocorrect error XD

A fitting one though xD

[Jotari]

The Cursed Youth

Spoiler

 

I find accidentally burning one's sister completely to ash a tad bit overblown. I think you were going for dramatic, but it passed melodramatic and went into absurd territory for me. That kind of set the tone for the rest of the story as things progressively got worse and then it ended. Also what was with that attempted rape bit? Had nothing to do with anything. The idea of the tome being used to vizualize her memories was also a bit wasted. Did they even use it? Was there a holodeck showing Nyx's memories of all the events? Because the narration seems to just suggest she's relating the events by word. You're self crtiisism was pretty on the mark about the ending too. Leo's change from acting cool and collect to suddenly confessing his love felt completely out of nowhere.

This line is also unintentionaly hilarious.
"although my vocabulary was not as advanced as it now it."
And lastly, when you're using quotation marks for multiple paragraphs, standard practise is to have open duotation marks at the start of each new paragraph, but no end quotes until the end of the monologue.

 

 

The Ethical Issues of Contemporary Fire Emblem

Spoiler

This was a fun one (and for once you have it an appropriate name!). Hard to really comment on it though as it was less a story and more a philosophical debate framed as a story (although the characters were still distinct, so it wasn't entirely that either). Looking at it from a debate stand point, I think it would have really helped if we got to see Lai ourselves and make some conclusions as to how much of a child she is (because as childish as they some times act, Nowi and Tiki aren't entirely written to be children. Fae is though). Even with her specific case aside, including a manakete in the discussion to view the situation from the other side would have been interesting too.

Edit: Looking at some of the other critiques, I guess the main guy was meant to be a manakete, but for some reason I took the reveal to mean he's half manakete. I guess my mindset was that if he was a full manakete it would have been more obvious from the start.

 

Edited November 2, 2018 by Jotari

[DarthR0xas]

2 hours ago, Jotari said:

I find accidentally burning one's sister completely to ash a tad bit overblown. I think you were going for dramatic, but it passed melodramatic and went into absurd territory for me. That kind of set the tone for the rest of the story as things progressively got worse and then it ended. Also what was with that attempted rape bit? Had nothing to do with anything. The idea of the tome being used to vizualize her memories was also a bit wasted. Did they even use it? Was there a holodeck showing Nyx's memories of all the events? Because the narration seems to just suggest she's relating the events by word. You're self crtiisism was pretty on the mark about the ending too. Leo's change from acting cool and collect to suddenly confessing his love felt completely out of nowhere.

This line is also unintentionaly hilarious.
"although my vocabulary was not as advanced as it now it."
And lastly, when you're using quotation marks for multiple paragraphs, standard practise is to have open duotation marks at the start of each new paragraph, but no end quotes until the end of the monologue.

Yeah, I could've done better. The attempted rape was meant to help you sympathize with her a tad more, and then her fighting back was meant to give her some agency, but I undermined that with the next bit, making it pointless in hindsight. After about the point where she meets the old man is where I started rushing, so that's kinda why everything from that point on is significantly worse. I meant to do some stuff with that idea, but that got thrown out the window and I just never bothered to remove the part about the tome. Thanks for that grammar tip, didn't know about that. I'll be sure to use it in the future.

Edited October 31, 2018 by DarthR0xas

[Rapier]

Since we've reached the end of votals phase, Shoblongoo wins this round. Congratulations, man.

Please come up with a theme and the round will start as soon as you do. When I get home, I'll post a timer going from the date of your post to the deadline after three weeks.

[Dragoncat]

Congrats Shoblongoo! You've won two of these now.

[Shoblongoo]

Nice. Thanks guys.

So I think my last prompt scared a bunch of people off--I'm gonna fight my worst impulses to type out a paragraph long wall of instructional text and just keep this one short and simple, since that seems to be what people are most comfortable dealing with. 

Write a story about a character in a failing relationship, and how + why the relationship is falling apart. 

Edited November 1, 2018 by Shoblongoo

[Dragoncat]

I would have had something for your last prompt but writers block combined with a nasty cold caused me not to.

I wanted to try to switch fandoms next time, but this is totally Reyn's father Cal. You might remember him mentioned, although briefly, in my entry for round 1. Is everybody bored with the Xenoblade or not? It's just fresh in my mind I guess. But if people are bored with it yeah.

[Ottservia]

I have a shell of an idea in my head though I'll be busy the rest of the week so we'll see what I can get done