SF's "Write Your Butt Off" II - Return of Writer's Block

Ottservia · October 27, 2018

9 hours ago, Rafiel's Aria said:

I think the beginning of this was easily the most clever part because I was convinced it was from Len’s POV up until the end of that first scene. I think the choice of present tense was a little odd, mostly because I find it incredibly difficult to write in, but for the most part you were consistent with it, so I can’t fault you. Your punctuation was absent in some places, so you might want to be careful about it in the future. There are a lot of missing periods and commas.

Thanks I'm glad my intention for that scene worked. I tried to keep the identity of the POV character almost entirely secret throughout that scene so I could later build towards that final flashback and have it have much more impact. In fact initially the execution scene wasn't in my first draft but I added it in just to play around with the mystery. Also the "I'm sorry Len" line at the end of that scene was originally not dialogue but instead a little internal thought at the beginning of the story. the decision to change it into dialogue at the end of the scene was a last minute one to again play with the mystery. In my original draft it was gonna start with the second scene and transition into the "switchtaroo" flashback but I figured putting it near the end would be more effective.

Truth be told I don't pay too much attention to the tense of my writing(which i honestly should just something I need to work on). Which I guess also explains a lot of the missing punctuation. I get so caught up in trying to get across what I wanna get across that I tend to neglect proper grammar. though sometimes the lack of proper sentence structure and grammar is intentional as with the "which is why" sentences. It serves to sort of build tension while also portray that feeling of just wild despair, regret, and anguish. but yeah it is something I need to keep in mind for the future.

9 hours ago, Rafiel's Aria said:

I think you did a good job with Rin’s characterization. Her casual mannerisms didn’t seem very tyrannical, but I definitely got that she was a brat. I also like the image of people rising up to basically murder a young girl. Like she’s done bad things, but they’re also taking an eye for an eye which isn’t necessarily a moral thing either. So immorality for all! I also liked your subtle hints throughout so I feel like I understand Len’s motivation without having to watch the video.

Once again thanks I'm glad I was able to portray that well. I actually had a tough time trying to portray the bratty side while also giving her a sort of childhood innocence. I wanted to make sure people understood she was a pretty bad person while also not making her out to be completely irredeemable. I kind of wish I portrayed more of her tyrannical side honestly and in fact as I told ana I did originally have a cut flashback scene on how she once viewed her people. which went a little something like:

Spoiler

I was selfish. a spoiled selfish brat who had no business ruling a country.

“But my lady the people of this country are poor and starving!” A burly looking man in big red armour pleaded. “Why would you do nothing to help them!”

I look down from my throne and scoffed, “I could care less about the well being of those filthy commoners if they can’t manage on their own then it’s none of my concern”

“Princess Riliane! A country is its people and it’s a ruler’s duty to help them in times of crisis” He continued to plea.

I simply laugh, “The people? Pah they’re nothing but worms meant to slave away so that I may live in luxury! Who cares if they starve! So long as they serve their purpose I have no need to concern myself with them”

“So be it, I see now any further discussion is meaningless” The man said, rising to his feet, “I served your father for many years and he was a great man but to think his daughter would be nothing but a spoiled brat” He sat before walking out of the castle.

My blood began to boil, “The nerve of that man! Insulting me like that!”

“Do you need anything my lady?” Len asks leaning close to me.

“Yes I want you to execute him! By any means necessary!”

Len simply nods, “then I’ll see that it’s done by morning”

A little rough but you get an Idea of what I was trying to get across. I cut it because for one it made Rin out to be a tad too irredeemable and it might've made the story a little a too long.

Also yeah thanks, I tried my best to get across Len's motivations as clear as possible though I feel I could've done a better job. probably my favorite hint as it were was that beach flashback scene.

9 hours ago, Rafiel's Aria said:

If I could critique one thing, I’d say the transitions could be a bit smoother from scene to scene. It was a little easier for me to settle into longer scenes, but the shorter ones were quite abrupt. Finding a way to help the piece flow more smoothly would have really made this excellent.

Yeah that was something I was struggling with as I was writing it. I tried to add a little more detail to the "present" scenes to help break up the flashbacks but every time I tried they just ended up feeling redundant as it was just rewording what I just said or didn't fit with the flashback I was leading up to. The break between the first and second flashback was especially difficult because for one the beach flashback was more a last minute addition and I had a hard time figuring out where to place it without it sounding to repetitive to the first flashback. Scene transition is just something I struggle with in general especially when it comes to flashbacks cause it's kind of hard to transport between the two without it feeling jarring or abrupt. I suppose I could've done a better with adding a little more "fluff" or detail. Also The "Len defiance" scene I feel could've been a little meatier with more description of body language and action.

as for my feedback on @AnonymousSpeed's 'The Ethical Issues of the Contemporary Emblem'

Spoiler

Really not much to say here other than it was actually pretty good. Good dialogue, good transition, and a great concept. Also I love how open ended the message is at the end. Not much else to say really. Though If I could make one critique is maybe give a little more variation in setting and the characters a little more to do other than sit across from each other at a table. All in all, It was great.

Dragoncat · October 27, 2018

3 hours ago, Otts486 said:

especially when it comes to flashbacks cause it's kind of hard to transport between the two without it feeling jarring or abrupt.

I'll just point out my entry for round 1, there's a flashback there. I just put a line that said "two years ago" and then at the end of the flashback I put a line that said "present day". Works well. And for scene changes that switch characters or time skips etc, I just do a line of ---- and then the scene.

Here's the link for your convenience.

Edited October 27, 2018 by Dragoncat

AnonymousSpeed · October 27, 2018

I'll go put all my reviews in this one post and put them in whatever order I feel like.

@Shoblongoo

Oof. That's pretty good.

The ending segment, in my opinion, goes on a bit long, and as Roxas pointed out it does present a bit of a continuity error, but I didn't notice that the first go-through.

Love the idea of compliance being talked about. Sehr gut. I might advise that Marcus, rather than bursting in the end to do nothing, simply...stands outside and does nothing. It works better with the idea of turning a blind eye if you don't aim your face at something. Also, I'd maybe save agreeing with Eliwood for Marcus's dialogue and not the non-dialogue text (which has a name for it I'm sure). The story sufficiently expresses its message without it, and it's better to let a message be demonstrated or felt than told.

I don't necessarily like that, aside from non-participant Garlan, Elben and his knights are portrayed as all being somewhat if not outright incompetent, because I think it has this "might makes right" implication or at least a "right makes all the might" parallel which I find a bit too idealistic.

But I still liked it.

@Dragoncat

I didn't beat Xenoblade Chronicles, so I can't comment too much on it. It's alright, but here's some prose that stuck out to me as refinable:

"It might have venom in it that can cause poisoning." If it's intentionally meant to be awkward, it doesn't quite have the right punctuation.

And then Kaizel swiped at Jaylen and he ducked. -> "Jaylen dodged Kaizel's swipe."

@DarthR0xas

I didn't play Fates, so I can't comment too much on it. It's alright, but it switched between past and present tense at least once near the start. Sorry I didn't reach out to you about our proofreading arrangement- I finalized mine very near the deadline so I didn't really have time to send it to you for a final check and since you didn't send it to me to proofread, I...didn't think to ask about it. Sorry.

I don't know if Leo is this dispassionate canonically (see above) but he seems like kind of a jerk in how he reacts to some of this stuff, but he doesn't react all that much either. Kinda not there for a while. There are a few other places I noticed punctuation missing, but the one which was consistently an issue was no comma at the end of quotes that don't end the sentence. What I just said makes sense, right?

@Otts486

My knowledge of Vocaloid stops as Domino's Pizza and Vinesauce, so I can't comment too much on it. Hold on, gotta rewatch that Domino's Pizza ad.

Alright, I'm done. Man, that was way better than the actual pizza.

Even though it kinda goes against my MO to say it, it feels...too sympathetic? Like, I'm not saying to decapitate children or anything, but isn't she supposed to be, like...an evil person? That seems more like a background element than anything else, and that's not great, to be honest.

@Anacybele

It could have used proper flashbacks or something- I feel it falls too much into expository paragraphs, and because those are somewhat dispassionate by nature it doesn't convey some of what it should. Like, I get that someone who's overly romantic would issue a challenge to someone and then become their friend, but it comes off as odd the first time around because its mentioned so very historically. That attitude isn't conveyed as it should be. I don't feel the prompt was wholly realized- definitely could have focused more on Jerec, like, kicking puppy laguz and then changing, or something.

@Rafiel's Aria

It was not bad. I don't have too much to say. If I knew more about being addicted to cigarettes, I'd comment on how well that handled, but I don't smoke.

@TheSilentChloey

And whoever would be first will be last.

I don't feel the development was good enough. I like parts of it, mainly the idea of one's reputation affecting those around them and that impact being more hurtful to them than direct attacks on their own character. That's good, but Grima really has no character development, he reappears as a good guy, more or less.

Now for the part which is total garbage, in which I address other people's criticisms i.e Shob's criticisms.

On 10/25/2018 at 2:52 PM, Shoblongoo said:

Well played.

Thank you.

My decision to use the "future" setting was based on this idea of previously less controversial issues becoming more controversial as society progresses, but I can see why the original Awakening characters might have been preferred. It is, however, faced with the issue that a lot of the male cast can S support Nowi which kind of...doesn't help? Most of them...except...Chrom...

Hm.

Using the Awakening cast could have been done, but I thought it might have been a bit morally dissonant when taking into account the game's outlook.

16 hours ago, DarthR0xas said:

Well, since everyone else is going from top to bottom, I’ll go from bottom to top.

I approve of this approach.

14 hours ago, Rafiel's Aria said:

Nice work. I’d honestly like to see more commentary written in this fashion.

It's inspired in part by the Socratic dialogues, but those mostly consist of Socrates and someone who just says "yes very sensible" or "please explain" so they might not be exactly what you're looking for. They are held in quite high esteem, so they'd be a good read anyway.

7 hours ago, Dragoncat said:

I love how you put all the FE continents on the same world here, how else could Pherae take over Begnion? That would make an interesting story in itself. Modernizing the FE world is a neat idea, but I can't help wondering if it's realistic. Thousands of years take place between Marth's time and Chrom's time and there's not much technological advancement, if at all. I liked the twist at the end with Cromwell being a manakete but hiding it, and it makes me wonder if he's so opinionated on this issue because he once loved a human and she grew old and died long before him.

Hey man, just ask someone who doesn't know anything about history and they'll tell you that the Middle Ages were a thousand-year-long period where absolutely no technological progress was made whatsoever, and then look how far it's all come in 500 years.

That was roughly the intended implication, but you all should read it however you want.

Anacybele · October 27, 2018

21 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

It could have used proper flashbacks or something- I feel it falls too much into expository paragraphs, and because those are somewhat dispassionate by nature it doesn't convey some of what it should. Like, I get that someone who's overly romantic would issue a challenge to someone and then become their friend, but it comes off as odd the first time around because its mentioned so very historically. That attitude isn't conveyed as it should be. I don't feel the prompt was wholly realized- definitely could have focused more on Jerec, like, kicking puppy laguz and then changing, or something.

...I don't understand. If you didn't like it, okay, but I don't get how I didn't follow the prompt well. I definitely used a character, multiple characters in fact, that had done something morally wrong in the past. Jerec wasn't meant to be the only focus. The MAIN focus, yes, but not the only one. But I can get that it could've used flashbacks. I just felt that it would've made this too long and people complained that my first entry was too long.

Edited October 27, 2018 by Anacybele

Dragoncat · October 27, 2018

23 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

I didn't beat Xenoblade Chronicles, so I can't comment too much on it. It's alright, but here's some prose that stuck out to me as refinable:

"It might have venom in it that can cause poisoning." If it's intentionally meant to be awkward, it doesn't quite have the right punctuation.

And then Kaizel swiped at Jaylen and he ducked. -> "Jaylen dodged Kaizel's swipe."

I didn't beat it either lol. That's why it's an AU because I know it doesn't fit canon, especially with a certain someone being alive when he dies in canon. He's mentioned just once in there very briefly. I had to make an AU where he lives because I love the guy and the fandom gives him no love. But anyway.

The first sentence isn't meant to be awkward. The second? You got me there. That would work better.

Ottservia · October 27, 2018

22 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

Even though it kinda goes against my MO to say it, it feels...too sympathetic? Like, I'm not saying to decapitate children or anything, but isn't she supposed to be, like...an evil person? That seems more like a background element than anything else, and that's not great, to be honest.

I mean the entire point of the story is that she realizes that because of the things she's done she's lost everything. Her kingdom, her status, wealth, and even her most trusted I'll say companion for convenience sake. In realizing this she truly begins to really understand how horrible of a person she was and is able to reflect on that. It's because she was such a selfish brat that she's suffering now all alone and again she realizes this and because of that she is able to become a better person. She's not expecting anyone to forgive her but she still has to live if only because dying would betray one of the few things she has left. hell even Len knew letting her live was "wrong" but he did so anyway because he cared for that much. Now I realize I could've portrayed the fact that she was indeed a tyrannical ruler a bit better than just the little execution speech in the beginning but I didn't want her to come off as too irredeemable I guess.

also Just because someone is "evil" that doesn't make them beyond redemption, sympathy, or understanding. I honestly don't really like this kind of mentality because it feels close minded and harsh. I don't really know how to explain this but it implies that everyone only gets one chance and if you f*ck it up you deserve no sympathy without really trying to understand what leads people down those paths in the first place. People make mistakes and those mistakes can lead people down a dark road but does that mean we should treat them inhumanly for a few big mishaps? no I don't think so because in that case we'd be no better than them. I don't know if I explained that well but that's generally how I feel.

TheSilentChloey · October 28, 2018

The following is a snippet that explains Grima’s Redemption. It's part of a chapter of The Crazy Summoner, the story that takes Grima’s Redemption in a more expanded direction. Of course said story is rated E for mature content and wasn't meant to be connect to the entry but...I think it's the better it is.

Spoiler

~~~Grima~~~

Chloey had gone quiet and for the time being at least I had her to myself. Of all the humans I could have potentially mated with...she wasn't too bad I suppose, weak and frail perhaps, but not unlike any of them. She felt warm underneath my fingers and hands. She was still laying with her head in my lap, a serenity across her face I found myself liking more than I thought I would. The desire to explore her was somewhat strong but I tempered it. I wanted her to be awake when I got to that. I wanted…

Curse these wretched feelings! I should be ending the world not creating life with a human!

Yet...I must admit the image has an appeal I'd not thought of. To have a mate, to have offspring…

No…

I am the Wings of Despair and the Breath of Ruin! I am not some worm!

I am…

Hopelessly in love with the human resting on me.

To think that I could fall so easily...it...it should scare me…

Yet it does not.

What is wrong with me? I see her and I feel…

“You are your own being Grima.”

Curse it all! I want her!

I want her to be mine. I want her to be mine! I want…

Curses!

Curses and damnation!

I am not meant to feel like this about an insect!

I am not...meant to feel…like this...over an insect…

“Grima…” I jolt and only then do I realise she's still asleep, resting on me. Her blond hair tied back off her face that I'd much rather she wore out, if only to give me the excuse to run my fingers through it…

I can't be…

She's so serene. What have I ever done to have something like this? Is the universe giving me...this frail human? To what end? Surely this must all be an elaborate dream conjured up from the desperate remnants of what is left of the man whose body is mine now…

I...I can't…

I want her so badly…

I…

Love…

Her…

To the hells with it all. Curse these wretched feelings and their hold over me! I can't leave her like this.

I shouldn't have let myself lean forward and kiss her!

Dragoncat · October 28, 2018

2 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

The following is a snippet that explains Grima’s Redemption. It's part of a chapter of The Crazy Summoner, the story that takes Grima’s Redemption in a more expanded direction. Of course said story is rated E for mature content and wasn't meant to be connect to the entry but...I think it's the better it is.

That was really good. I'm a sucker for romance and smut myself, I may read it sometime...

Also I think you meant M instead of E.

TheSilentChloey · October 28, 2018

1 minute ago, Dragoncat said:

That was really good. I'm a sucker for romance and smut myself, I may read it sometime...

Also I think you meant M instead of E.

Nope I meant E for Explicit.

Dragoncat · October 28, 2018

1 minute ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Nope I meant E for Explicit.

Yeah I clicked the link and found that out. My smut is still M rated, I'd use E for like, really raunchy smut. M works just fine for adorable fluffy smut.

TheSilentChloey · October 28, 2018

1 minute ago, Dragoncat said:

Yeah I clicked the link and found that out. My smut is still M rated, I'd use E for like, really raunchy smut. M works just fine for adorable fluffy smut.

Well if the smut doesn't do it the swearing will lol.

Dragoncat · October 28, 2018

5 minutes ago, TheSilentChloey said:

Well if the smut doesn't do it the swearing will lol.

Yeah I did see a bunch of F bombs in there. I guess it's up to your rating system.

TheSilentChloey · October 28, 2018

1 minute ago, Dragoncat said:

Yeah I did see a bunch of F bombs in there. I guess it's up to your rating system.

I have a low swearing tolerance so it does rate higher than some things lol :XD:

AnonymousSpeed · October 28, 2018

6 hours ago, Anacybele said:

...I don't understand. If you didn't like it, okay, but I don't get how I didn't follow the prompt well. I definitely used a character, multiple characters in fact, that had done something morally wrong in the past. Jerec wasn't meant to be the only focus. The MAIN focus, yes, but not the only one.

To an extent, you're right, but I feel that Jerec formerly disliking Laguz is glossed over too quickly.

5 hours ago, Otts486 said:

Now I realize I could've portrayed the fact that she was indeed a tyrannical ruler a bit better than just the little execution speech in the beginning but I didn't want her to come off as too irredeemable I guess.

I can understand that desire, and I do agree with your general attitude about sympathy, but she isn't portrayed as too much worse than a brat. As someone who's not a vocaloid fan, I'm maybe missing some useful context here, but in order to effectively convey repentance, you have to convey the sin too.

Edited October 28, 2018 by AnonymousSpeed

Anacybele · October 28, 2018

16 minutes ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

To an extent, you're right, but I feel that Jerec formerly disliking Laguz is glossed over too quickly.

Oh, okay. That's fair then.

Ottservia · October 28, 2018

14 hours ago, AnonymousSpeed said:

I can understand that desire, and I do agree with your general attitude about sympathy, but she isn't portrayed as too much worse than a brat. As someone who's not a vocaloid fan, I'm maybe missing some useful context here, but in order to effectively convey repentance, you have to convey the sin too.

okay that's fair. Also I apologize if my first response came off as rude or anything. I suppose I just misunderstood your point. Also I wrote the story with the mindset that no one had listened to the original song so I tried my best to give as much info as possible without boring the reader.

Also here's a flashback I cut from the original draft because I didn't know where to place it and that I believe it would've made the story too long. It's a little rough and a bit sloppy near the end but it gives a basic idea on what I was trying to do.