Rewjeo

8/10 for availability and movement. If she, say, danced while riding a pegasus, well...

Except having weapons that do very different things will make the units function differently. If my cavalry are now stronger after charging (which I've always thought should be in. It could even help balance them- good offense on player phase, but poor on EP) because lances get a bonus from movement, it's changing them. But say you have lances (as in actual lances, not spears) that get boosted from movement but then also regular spears like we're used to. Then we have both general weapon sets that are only different in stats and some that have "complicated crap." A: Why does your opinion matter more than ours? B: How do you know you would? Have you ever played Berwick Saga seriously and found it unenjoyable because of the lances? So you think that in Fire Emblem we should focus on balancing weapons by making them all similar? And that changing the weapons would make it unbalanced and that's just unacceptable? Fire Emblem is horribly unbalanced. I don't think changing the weapons will do all that much unless IS goes crazy with one weapon type and makes it super OP. Not true. If lances are simply worse than swords, then there's no reason to use them. Swords obsolete them. If lances are overall worse than swords, but still have bonuses from moving, then they have a use still. I don't see how simpler weapons prevents things from being so unbalanced they aren't fun. It wouldn't be stupidly complicated, either. Have an enemy you need taken out ASAP? Send a mounted guy with a lance so you can get there and ORKO him. Have an enemy with a ton of DEF and axes cut through DEF better than other weapons in this game? Send an axe user in. Units just have more specific roles. But generally the brave weapons are very rare. I wouldn't object to have one or two "dime" tomes for each magic type, but I think it would be more interesting if one had a B level Dime tome that was buyable and another had, say, a buyable siege tome.

I got some critique from elsewhere, and taking that into account, this is what I've got. There's more description of the forest again, and more was added to the encounter with the raven (going back more towards the original there) but I think the description isn't so flowery and the raven encounter seems more natural to me. Edit: Ack. Sorry it took so long. I was working more on the prologue and chapter one, but never really finished a draft of either, and then my creativity got drawn to music. Full prologue draft. Thoughts? Doing Hamlet and reading some Thomas Hardy right now, so I think there might be some superfluous language in there... and I hope the dialogue isn't too hard to read without the indentations.

Plenty of people have :/ 1. I'll fix that. I don't want it to physically die as he goes farther in. 2. Derp, it should be "caw and hop."

Did you ever read beyond the original prologue? What happens has to be explained to the main character anyways, so it's not like the reader would have no clue what happened. It would just have to be explained differently. Basically, he had the same sort of question you had- "Why do I care that this happened?" If you jump into the main character's point of view from the get-go, what happened has a bigger impact is the idea, I think. Alright. The original was certainly flowery, too. I guess I didn't change that part of it much. Thanks for the input, guys. I think I know what I'll do with it. I should have a revision up soon. Edit: Okay, this should be more to the point. It's only just over half the length of before. It seemed to be the perfect spring day as I neared the end of my journey home. The forest was coming to life as it escaped winter’s grasp. And yet, as I journeyed on, it grew eerily quiet. The farther I trudged along, the deader the forest seemed to become. Then, a jet black figure landed on a branch a few arm lengths in front of me. It was a raven, a prophetic figure, telling of misfortune. If you believe in those things, that is. I took a moment to observe the bird. Despite the stigma they had with the superstitious folk, I’d always found them to be magnificent animals. It wasn’t often you found one willing to land so near a human. But then the raven started to caw hop around agitatedly. Intrigued, I took a step back and looked around, discovering forty-odd troops marching down the path. They wore the distinctive blue armor of Guldar. That didn’t make sense, though. Why would Guldar have patrols all the way over here? The Gassadian stronghold was between here and Guldar. Fearing the worst, I hurried back to Gassad.

7/10. For whatever reason I've always preferred Florina to her (probably because it's easier to make Flo a good combatant with LHM) but that doesn't change the fact that she's basically Florina with a little less flying utility.

Well, I always struggled with writing the prologue and rewriting it doesn't seem to be going any better, so I'll try cutting it and having it explained as the story goes along. Speaking of which, here's a rewrite of the first part of chapter 1. I may change it to third person. We'll see. It was a crisp spring day made warm by the sun. The forest was coming back to life as winter’s hold on the mountains receded. Streams shimmered, full of clear water fresh from the snows of the Gassadian mountains. I caught the call and response of chickadees amongst the rustling of the leaves, which almost glowed green under the sun. It seemed the idyllic day to be returning home. But hidden deeper in those perfect green woods was something much darker. The birdsongs stopped as the canopy thickened, blocking out the sun. There was no sign of any animals around. Even the water seemed to stand still. The only sound came from leaves still rustling in the wind and leaves crushed underfoot. More than the drop in temperature sent a chill down my spine. Then, a jet black figure landed on a branch a few arm lengths in front of me. It was a raven, a prophetic figure, telling of misfortune. If you believe in those things, that is. I took a moment to observe the bird. Despite the stigma they had with the superstitious folk, I’ve always found them to be magnificent animals. It wasn’t often you found one willing to land so near a human. But then the raven started acting peculiarly. It cawed raucously and gestured its head towards me, hopping around on its branch. I admired it some more, but it kept up its strange behavior. Intrigued, I took a step back. That’s when I noticed that it wasn’t pointing at me; it was pointing behind me. I turned to see forty-odd troops marching down the path. They wore the distinctive blue armor of Guldar. That didn’t make sense, though. Why would Guldar have patrols all the way over here? This was Gassadian territory. The Gassadian stronghold was between here and Guldar. They didn’t seem lost, so there was only one logical explanation. I had to get back to Gassad.

I think I'm trying too hard here. This is a very different style from the rest of my writing. I'd guess it's because I'm trying to write well instead of just writing, like I was doing before. Honestly, this is going against my idea of good writing- saying what's necessary and ignoring what's not. Ugh. Thank you for being here to tell me that I'm doing stupid thing, though. Really, it's genuinely helpful. Also, eclipse, my English teacher said I should consider cutting the prologue continue so the reader doesn't know exactly what happened and has to try to figure it out. I'm not sure what I think of it yet. It would change how the first few chapter explain things, but then I was planning on rewriting those anyways. What do you think of that idea?

Why should FE cater to them? How about money for IS. I think that's a good idea.

Okay, Furet, I changed the parts you quoted. Better? Good, even? Armored bodies ran through the opening the wall of the castle. Thunder clapped in the distance, following the illumination of the starless sky with flashes of lightning. Warned only by the creaking of the gates, the slumbering guards of Gassad were cut down by the hordes of blue-clad invaders. The clang of metal upon metal alerted the sleeping monolith. The second row of defenses, stationed within the keep, rushed to barricade the doors. A horn blasted through the castle, armoring the unconscious defenders and pulling them into the fray. The bass knock of wood on wood set the rhythm of the downward march. Confused, stuttering corps murmured down the stairs, keen to learn that there was nothing to learn. Outside the freshly bruised entryway, the storm flashed across a polished form. The white shone as a beacon in the fray before the storm’s strobing light dulled and a rapid rumble of thunder rolled across the battlefield, smashing in the doors. A gust of wind ushered in the blue-clad army. Torchlight flickered through the front stairwell as the downward marching corps arrived in the face of their foe. The form, now orange in the torchlight, sent out the command to charge, and the two armies lunged at each other. Cries of chaos climbed up the keep as the mass of Guldaran bodies lurched around furnishings up and through Gassad’s stronghold. The white-armored form, the famous White General of Guldar, pushed through the stuttering Gassadian corps, leaving a bloody trail in his wake.

People always talk about how great imagery/anthropomorphism is for describing things. I'm taking it that either I suck at it or that it's one of those weird things that people say think should be good but actually isn't. I will stay away from that, then.

Athos exists for like 5% of the time Canas is around. I don't see how that obsoletes him. Basically what Integ said, but I'll give him a 6/10 here. I can't give him a better score than Lucius or Erk.

OK, rewrite of the first 73 words. Thoughts? Armored bodies ran through the opening the wall of the castle. Thunder clapped in the distance, illuminating the starless sky with precogniscent flashes of lightning. Warned only by the creaking of the gates, the slumbering guards of Gassad were cut down by the hordes of blue-clad invaders. The clang of metal upon metal alerted the sleeping monolith. The second row of defenses, stationed within the keep, rushed to barricade the doors. A horn blasted through the castle, armoring the unconscious defenders and pulling them into the fray. The callous knock of wood on wood set the rhythm of the downward march. Confused, stuttering corps murmured down the stairs, keen to learn that there was nothing to learn. Outside the freshly bruised entryway, an excited storm flashed across a polished form. The white shone as a beacon in the fray, glowing with the purity of sun-bleached bone. The storm’s strobing light dulled and a rapid rumble of thunder rolled across the battlefield, smashing in the doors. A gust of wind ushered in the blue-clad army. Torchlight flickered through the front stairwell as the downward marching corps arrived in the face of their foe. A form, orange in the torchlight, dissimilated from the mob. A sound regurgitated from the form, and the two masses lunged at each other. Cries of chaos climbed up the keep as dissoluble mass of Guldar lurched around furnishings up and through Gassad’s stronghold. The beaconous form pushed through the stuttering corps, leaving a bloody trail in his wake.

Truth be told, I'm not quite sure what I'm doing with Kert. I certainly don't want him to be some generic evil dude, but I'm not sure exactly what he is beyond that. Of course, now that Smyx and Rewjeo are out of the castle and with the others in the woods, they can stop hogging the story and those who need more development can get some. Edit: Oh, hey, Furetchen posted. Why did it take so long for my computer to recognize that? I posted eleven minutes after you, after all. The first few chapters need work. I'm aware of that. A lot of it, especially in the prologue, is stuff from like seventh grade that I mostly built on once I started writing this again. Some of it makes no sense to me.I promise it gets better as it goes along. You did point out some things I hadn't thought of/been told yet, so thank you for those. Also, that was awfully entertaining at times. But never underestimate the consequences of lance-pointing. It's even worse than fighting a land war in Asia.

This isn't America. Kertankuse can have someone executed for tripping on the stairs if he wants. He only has to feel threatened enough by Smyx and Rewjeo to go that far. Between Rewjeo lying about who he is and Smyx and Kert's (yet unrevealed) past along with both behaving suspicioiusly, it seems perfectly plausible that they would be trying to oust him. A local patriot and someone Kertankuse needed pretty steep leverage to even think he has control over? Beyond that, all that is really known is that Diophus was killed with a dagger and Smyx did not have his with him as of some minutes later. Under those conditions, Birgette's is nothing more than a possibility. Kertankuse was already convinced that he was a traitor and so he took Birgette's side. I guess it is possible that's what drove him to finally say "Screw this, I want them dead ASAP," but I don't think so. Yeah, I don't really know for sure what all my characters think. It's more fun to write a story I'm discovering as I go along. This was my thought process when I wrote it. I'll go back and take a look at that part and see what it's like from the reader's perspective rather than the writer's.

Ah, but, to quote, "Kertankuse was going to have more soldiers waiting just outside his door. This wasn’t a discussion. This was a confrontation." Then it goes on to explain how Kertankuse had come to his conclusion. THEN Birgette comes in. Was that not clear enough? I do see how that could be interpreted simply as him confronting but not condemning them, which would mean the murder would be "what did it." I think at that point Kertankuse was happy to have something else to get them for, but I never meant for it to be the final piece. Also, and this will be ironic, I realize I forgot to reply to the Birgette would be bloody part. I meant to add that into the story and have it explained off as her being next to the body, getting blood on her. But I forgot to do that there, too...

2. By guilty do you mean of the murder? If so, that was Birgette's plan to get Diophus out of the way while blaming it on Smyx. It had nothing to do with getting rid of Smyx and Rewjeo. After all, they were going to be executed either way. This way she could just get rid of another person she felt was a potential threat to her power. That part wasn't supposed to build on Kert's character- although it will affect how he behaves later- it was meant to move the plot along and add some to Smyx and Birgette's characters.

7/10. No horse, sword locked at first, and even with hand axes after promotion, he's not doing anything so spectacular that he's adding to a fast mounted team. It's not like our pallies are having much trouble ORKOing stuff. As has been said before, good combat isn't all that hard to come by in FE7. It's nice to have such awesome combat, but there are things I'd take over it. Especially when he can struggle to reach said awesome combat.

1. Oops, fixed that. 2. How so? 3. Until very recently (as in long after the technology level of this world) executions were done publicly very often. Given that he knew Rewjeo would be recognized, his thought process was that people would be scared even more by it- Kertankuse will find you out. Of course, I'm planning on having Kert shift more towards that line of thinking after that disaster. Were those your only complaints? Don't be afraid to give more critique. It won't upset me as long as it's critique and not criticism.

I'm pretty sure (but someone correct me if I'm wrong) that originally he was recruitable, but it was changed later for whatever reason.

In RD, so it wouldn't be the first time IS limited a weapon in gameplay more than made sense according to the story.

If you take the second definition of Faustian there, I think it fits what he's trying to say. He's saying that FE is sacrificing some of itself for material gain. The question is: Is this a Faustian pact with the devil?

No one ever complained about star shards that I saw, though, and those are interchangeable on any turn ever. I don't think anyone even complained about the rainbow potion blurring the line between units, although I remember people being worried about how easily it might trivialize the game...

Okay, so I have written through chapter 18... I haven't really updated anywhere in a long time, so I guess here's a super huge update for the entire internet. I want to take time to revise what I have so far now, so feel free to be brutal in your critique (not to be confused with brutally criticizing.) http://rewjeo-astorywithnoname.blogspot.com/